"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"How am I looking?" said Legolas. He was lying on his side, very close and facing her.
"Like.......I don't know....like THAT," she said. "You know what I mean, Legolas."
He sighed softly and continued playing with her fingers. "Do you have feelings for him, Irulan?" he said finally.
Irulan's eyes widened. "What?" Legolas kept looking at her with an expressionless face for a long moment. Finally she continued: "Legolas, you really need to stop this. I thought we were done with this issue."
He kept playing with her hand for another minute. "You have not answered my question," he said.
Irulan rolled her eyes. "No. I mean yes, I love Eomer. He has always been a good friend and protector. But other than that, I have no feelings for him."
He looked into her eyes and kept doing so, until Irulan felt like she had enough. These men were truly beginning to get on her nerves. True, she could end all that by telling the truth about her feelings.......but she needed time, damn it! "You just mean to torture me," she said and snatching her hand back, rolled her back to him.
Legolas swallowed softly. 'Not again!' he thought with a panic rising in his chest. He gently threw his arm around her waist, but Irulan gave no indication that she felt it. "Irulan," he said gently, but she refused to answer. Legolas felt the fear in him growing. 'She dare not shut me out!' he thought, but it truly sounded desperate. Irulan would dare anything, of course. But then, he had deserved this reaction. She had stood up to him, had she not? As a matter of fact, he had been so surprised by that, he had lost often concentration during his 'talk' with Eomer. Irulan had stood by his side. She had refused Eomer....for HIM. Legolas hastily cursed himself for being selfish now.
"Why do you doubt me so?" she said suddenly.
Legolas was baffled. "Doubt you? I do not doubt you," he said. He wished he could see her face.
"Yes you do, Legolas. Not in the matters concerning yourself - I know you have always been open and honest to me about your own feelings. But you doubt me when it comes to others."
"I would never think like that about you," he said, astonished that she would believe him to be like that.
"No, I don't mean to say..........you don't think I would play you. But being a mortal I guess, you think I will run off eventually. As a matter of fact, you said that yourself, did you not?"
Legolas was silent for a moment. He had offended her, even though he had never meant to. "I have made observations, yes. And yet, I have enough sense to know that my observations are not a rule for every mortal."
"Then why?"
Legolas gently pulled her towards him until her body fitted perfectly into his. He encircled her waist again and softly kissed her nape. "Irulan," he said softly, "I fear to make a mistake with you. You are wrong - I do not doubt you, I doubt myself." He was quite for a moment, but then continued: "I wish you to be happy. This wish is beyond any other for me. Even if it means that your happiness will not include me." He pulled her closer by the waist and held a tight embrace. Irulan could feel his warm breath on her nape and his body behind her, like a protective cloak. "I will not blame you if you chose another. Nor will I........stand in your way," he said and then swallowed softly, for his voice failed him. He had no idea how to do that when the time called for it, and yet he had promised himself that he would not risk Irulan's happiness for his own selfish reasons.
Irulan sighed and surprised him by sitting up. He sat up behind her and embraced her waist. "What is it?" he said softly, placing another kiss on her nape. Irulan did not answer but massaged her face softly. Once more he wished he could see her expression. She finally broke the embrace and stood up. Legolas jumped up to his feet and tried to establish eye contact. "Are you angry with me?" he said cautiously.
"No," said Irulan and gently shook her head. "I just.......I......" she broke off and looked into the distance. "I need to walk a little," she said finally. Legolas looked down at her with a confused look. Then he looked around him. It was very dark, but the darkness was broken by campfires and the light of the full moon above them and his elven eyes could see clearly in this light. Yet, it was very late at night and everybody, except the watchers, seemed to be asleep.
"Now?" he said softly, not knowing what else to say. It was perfectly normal, but.......why did she break apart from him like that? Irulan nodded. "Can I come?" he said and expected an angry glance, but to his surprise Irulan smiled and said, "Yes, of course. Join me." His heart made a leap at this pleasant offer. Irulan turned around and walked away, and he followed her.
They walked for a long time under the moonlit rocky hills, climbing up and down. The world was washed in black and blue and seemed like a completely different place from the terrain they had been walking on for days now. 'I certainly will not miss Rohan for some time,' she thought ruefully. 'First the endless running....and now this constant walking! This country is cursed!' She sighed softly and continued, following Legolas. It was not as dark as many other nights. And yet, Irulan saw no reason to take a foolish step and hurt herself while she had a perfect guide with her. So Legolas led silently, and she followed.
"You have something on your mind?" Legolas said finally. It was not a real question, for it was too obvious, but it was the safe way to approach the subject, he thought.
"Yes, I do," sighed Irulan.
A moment of silence set in. "Does it concern the Druids?" he said finally. "Or your dreams perhaps?"
"No......no, it does not," she said. Another silence set in. 'Alright, how do I say this? I should have read those romance novels more carefully, damn it!' she thought.
'Just say the words, Irulan,' said her alter ego. No, she definitely could not. Those three words were impossible to say. She had tried practicing before, but without success. 'You don't have too many options here,' said the voice in amusement. She sighed again. 'Don't worry, I am prepared for this,' she shot back, knowing that it was a lie. True, she had tried to think of some things, but they sounded incredibly stupid even in human standards. An elf would probably be terrified by them.
"Legolas," she said suddenly, and swallowed softly, "do you remember how you told me about the........the wind and the grass?"
Legolas looked back at her, smiling for an instant and then resumed his walk again. "I certainly do."
"Well........I was......thinking about that," she stammered. 'Do not stammer, you fool!' she thought to herself. Legolas did not answer. He was obviously waiting for her to continue. Only Irulan was hoping that he would say something and thereby steer the conversation. She really had no idea how to continue with this. A moment of silence passed and she almost slipped on a piece of rock. "I was......I was thinking that maybe you were wrong."
Legolas halted and looked back at her with raised eyebrows. He did not say anything, though. She stopped too, looking over the hills. "I mean......not wrong. I mean......confused, sort of."
"Confused?" said Legolas, and his voice said very obviously that he did not understand at all.
Irulan sighed with desperation. "Maybe you are the wind and I am the grass," she said finally. Her alter ego actually laughed and if it had a solid form, Irulan would most certainly beat it to death right now. She glanced up at Legolas and he was looking at her with an unreadable look.
"Pray explain," he said finally.
Irulan stepped around him and resumed her walk, knowing that he would follow. "What do I mean?!" she said in desperation. "That's what I mean!" He was supposed to understand, damn it! He was the elf! He should read the metaphors.
"Do you mean to say that I am bending you against your wish, Irulan?" he said suddenly and she missed another step. Legolas caught her before she could fall, but she slapped his hand away once she stood again.
"NO! What kind of interpretation is that?"
Legolas blinked in surprise and remained still. She cast him another angry look and continued to walk. He followed behind. A long silence stretched. "I mean.......you know......you blow like that wind......and it blows right at my heart." She had to stop stammering! 'There! It can not be clearer than that!' she thought with satisfaction.
"Your heart?" said Legolas with a frown on his face.
"Yes."
A long silence followed. "Irulan......do you possibly mean.......I talk or act without thinking and harsh......like I did back at the camp...and wound your heart?"
Irulan moaned and turned around. "Legolas! What is wrong with you?" she said with frustration.
He looked at her with painful confusion. "Forgive me Irulan, I do not understand."
"You sure do not!" she said and began walking again. 'Stupid elf!' she thought, 'how much more obvious can I be?!' "Alright," she said a moment later and softened her voice, "bad example. Maybe I should put it in another way." She thought about it for a minute, then continued: "I think we are very much similar to Aragorn and Arwen. More than you probably think we are." She turned to ask what he thought of that, but suddenly Legolas was not right behind her. Confused, she turned around and found him looking at her, his head slightly cocked, from a few steps away. She walked back to him. 'Finally he understands!' she thought.
"Irulan," he said in a hoarse voice, "do you......." he halted. Then he swallowed and forced himself to continue: "do you mean......to part from me?"
Irulan groaned and covered her face with her hands. "Legolas, I will kill you," she mumbled from behind her hands.
"I might actually desire that at the moment," he whispered deftly to himself, looking away, not knowing what to do.
"You stupid elf!" she boomed suddenly. "What is the difference between me and you and Aragorn and Arwen?"
Legolas swallowed and tried to think. Though he felt completely incapable of that at the moment. Irulan would leave him. She did not want him. He tried to breathe again.
Irulan felt desperate now. Her inner voice was shaking with laughter and she just wanted to cut her own head off in hope that it would finally shut up, too. "They are in love with each other!" she yelled finally. Legolas did not look in the state of answering anyway.
He looked up at her with pain in his beautiful blue eyes. "But I AM in love with you, Irulan," he said softly.
"And I am, with you, you stupid man!" she boomed. All those metaphors, for nothing! She had tortured herself to death thinking of those. For nothing!
Legolas blinked. If he would not know better, he would think his ears were deceiving him. She had actually said......but......she meant to leave him......and yet.........
Irulan sighed and began to walk back to the camp. It was a long distance and she had had enough walking with this mindless elf who could not even understand the most obvious metaphors! Legolas grabbed her arm as she passed by him, and turned her to him. "You......are in love with....me?" he whispered, his eyes boring into hers. She was so taken aback by that look, she could only nod. Legolas let go of her suddenly and took a step back.
A moment passed. An hour passed. A century passed. Something very odd happened, for this time the whole world DID indeed explode in him. A sharp pain along with unbelievable pleasure surged through him suddenly and never in his entire life, had he felt something even similar to this. He swayed softly and slowly walked up to the base of a rocky hill, turned around to place his back to the stone wall, then he glided down and sat on the soft grass, lost in a world of his own. He felt his heart actually painfully being squeezed. Suddenly he could not breathe either. Irulan was in love with him. Another mind blowing surge of sensation passed through him and he almost groaned at his weakness in the face of such a force. A part of his mind was desperately trying to understand his state and he could feel the soft pulse of fear trying to reach his consciousness, but another part of him had given up understanding and just lay there, surrendering to anything that would come.
Irulan had been watching him from the corner of her eye and now she stared at him openly with widened eyes. 'What is going on here?' she thought with utter confusion. She re-winded the whole conversation in her mind quickly and replayed it, but STILL he did not make sense. He began to tremble slightly and she could not take it any longer. She ran up to him and remained rooted in front of him, not knowing if she should touch him or not. What if he was going through........what if he was sick? 'No, elves do not get sick,' she thought. Yes........but what if it was an elven sickness of some sort? 'An elven sickness?!' she thought baffled. No, that made no sense. But then.........neither did this whole thing.
She slowly leaned over and tried to establish eye contact while keeping a distance to give him a comfortable space. Legolas' eyes looked glazed for a moment and she began to fear for real when he blinked and he looked himself suddenly. "Are you alright?" she whispered with urgency. He nodded softly. "Well....." she said uneasily, "you don't look alright." He waved his hand as if to say he was fine, but could not find breath to reply. Irulan hesitated for a moment, then slowly approached him and finally sat close to him. "Legolas, what is happening?" she said with a tinge of fear now.
He laughed softly and it came out like sobs. "Nothing," he said finally.
"Stop it!" she said, this time louder. "Are you in pain?"
Legolas smiled up to her and nodded softly. "I am," he said with difficulty.
Her eyes widened. "Wh-What? Why?" and she scanned him hastily for wounds, but though he seemed to be trembling, she saw none. "Where is the wound, damn it!?"
He took her hand and guided it to his heart. "Right here," he whispered.
Irulan looked up at him with irritation. "That's not funny, Legolas. Tell me now, you foolish elf!"
He laughed softly at that again and closed his eyes to swallow hard. He felt so dizzy. Maybe he was dying indeed. "Open your eyes!" said Irulan with anxiety and shook him softly. Legolas opened his eyes to look at her. She looked worried beyond reason, and it was funny that she should be so and yet, he could not explain to her now why that was. It was an effort he simply felt not up to. Irulan scooted closer and touched his face. "Legolas.......please......what is it?" she stammered and she sounded about to cry.
"I don't know," he whispered finally. "Wait a little while."
So Irulan waited and moments passed like centuries. She felt like biting her fingernails with anxiety and constantly glanced back towards the camp, wondering if she should run off screaming for Aragorn.
A few minutes passed and Legolas began to feel better. He felt the world returning to him and the painful intensity receding slowly. A few more minutes, and alas, the pain in his heart faded away and his pulse returned to normal. He felt air surging through his lungs.
"Legolas, can you walk? If you can not, I will run and get help; wait for me here!"
He softly shook his head. "I am well, Irulan. It is behind me now."
She looked him up and down suspiciously, then touched his forehead again. It was as cool as ever. His trembling was gone, though. She took a deep, ragged breath. "Legolas.......do you have any idea how much you scared me? I thought I was going to die myself, you foolish elf!"
He sighed softly and looked at her. "I love you, Irulan," he said, and it seemed to be an answer to everything.
"And I love you," she said with a tinge of anger. "But you almost killed me!"
He smiled and took her hand to kiss it. "I love you."
Irulan closed her eyes and shook her head slightly. 'Men!' she thought. She moved forward and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. "And I love you," she whispered.
He trembled slightly again and she felt panic rise in her. But it passed swiftly this time. "Why did you not tell me?" he whispered.
"I was........afraid," she said and it sounded absolutely stupid. She knew now that she could have spared him a lot of suffering if she had told him before.
Legolas looked at her, amazed. "Why?"
Irulan shrugged and looked away. "I guess I am just a distorted creature, that's why," she said finally.
Legolas slowly sat up and reached out to touch her cheek. "I knew you were meant for me," he whispered and took a deep breath. "A part of me was so afraid you would go for another. But another part knew you were mine. I have found you again."
Irulan smiled slowly. "Have we met before, Legolas?"
"Though I have no proof of that, I know we have and I know we will yet again.......as I know that I love you now." He swallowed softly and blinked away his tears. This overload of emotions was astonishingly painful and yet........... relieving. The fire in him, although subsiding now, was still a warmth, pulsing like a second heart. He realized suddenly that there was no difference to feelings. When strong enough, their boundaries melted and all became one. And that one feeling was nothing that words could come even close to describe. He closed his eyes and let it be. It did not want description, then there should be none.
Irulan felt like crying. Legolas was obviously going through something and one moment it seemed good, but the next moment she feared for him, for he looked in pain. And she could do nothing about it! Her accursed kind was unable to reach out and share his sensations - much less dampen them. She just sat there in utter confusion and feeling helpless.
"Don't you dare leave me!" she said finally. She had often thought that she would die, leaving Legolas behind, but him dying before her! That was impossible! Suddenly Irulan understood what he must have been feeling for her and her mortality. 'What kind of person can endure such pain?' she thought.
Legolas opened his eyes and shifted slightly to sit more upright and more comfortable. "Leave you?" he said in confusion.
"I mean.......Legolas, are you feeling better or worse?"
Legolas thought about that for a moment. The onslaught of feelings in him was subsiding. And that was both good and yet......not that good. A part of him felt the desire for its continuance. "I do not know," he said softly and tried to understand his inner turmoil.
"That's it! You are scaring me!" she said in exasperation.
"Irulan, don't be afraid. I am well. It will pass," he said gently.
Irulan did not know what to do. She felt like crying. 'What is going on?!' she thought with desperation again and suddenly, once more understood what Legolas must be going through with her most of the time. She remembered the day she had the nightmare in Edoras and suddenly decided that she should follow his example. She leaned in and softly kissed him. He looked back at her pleasantly surprised. "You must forgive me," she said slowly.
"For what?" whispered Legolas.
"For everything!" she yelped, and then added softer: "Everything. I have been so horrible to you!"
He slowly sat up completely and leaned back. A smile spread on his lips. "There is nothing to forgive Irulan," he said softly. "I feel better already."
"And I will do anything you ask," she said hastily.
His eyebrows shot up at that. "Anything?" he said with disbelief. Irulan nodded softly.
"I trust you not to ask me anything.....drastic, of course," she said with a tinge of unease.
"Of course," said Legolas with a grin. A moment passed between them. "Come here," he said softly. Irulan smiled and moved to sit closer. Legolas grinned like a little child. "It will certainly take some time to get used to this," he said with amusement. "Come closer," he whispered a moment later, and Irulan obeyed. He softly grabbed her hair by the roots and leaned in to kiss her slowly and intensely. Irulan kissed him back and he deepened the kiss until everything else dissolved around them and only the kiss remained. Legolas gently pushed the doors to her soul and Irulan gave away under his touch, letting him in. He pulled her even closer and Irulan wrapped her arms around his neck, her hands softly combing through his hair. He encircled her waist with his free arm and embraced her firmly, at the same time, tilting her towards his lap and she pulled him along, their kiss still deepening. Finally when they broke it, they were both dizzy, and yet yearning to be united again.
"I think........." Irulan said, still a little out of breath, "you feel a lot better."
"Indeed, I do," whispered Legolas, smiling. He pulled her to his lap, her arms still around his neck and shoulders and his, cradling her. He leaned in and placed gentle kisses along her neck, moving down to her throat and her collarbone. Irulan closed her eyes with the sensation pulsing inside her. Once more a flame spread through her, but this time, she decided to surrender. "Legolas," she whispered as he moved up to her neck again. He kissed the sensitive skin below her ear. Irulan gasped.
"Yes?" he whispered, not halting for too long and continuing.
"Are you......trying to seduce me?" she said with effort, because it was becoming ever harder to hold on to reason. "I suggest you stop", she stammered. Legolas chuckled lightly and once more found her lips and engaged in a searing kiss.
"I can not," he said, when he broke it. The fire in his eyes was enough to burn her to ash. It spoke to a deep fire within herself, luring it out. She shifted slightly, unable to resist a soft sigh escaping from her lips. "Let me touch you," Legolas said softly and kissed her throat. Even if she wished to say no, Irulan completely lacked the will power to form the words. Besides, suddenly she had this funny idea that his touch might actually cool the flame that was burning her body.
"Yes," she whispered barely, burying her face into his neck as he resumed his path across her neckline. She began to kiss his cheek and his neck and Legolas moaned softly. For some reason, that moan ignited a passion in her, that she had been completely unaware of before. Legolas kept her in his grip with his arm cradling her back and freeing the other one from the embrace, slowly moved it up from underneath her tunic. A gasp shook her when his cool fingers touched the soft flesh of her smaller back. He caressed it and felt her give in with every soft caress. She softly kissed the rim of his sensitive elven ears and Legolas could feel something in him threatening to snap at that. He moaned again and removed his hand to reach the neckline of her tunic from outside and swiftly pushed it aside to reveal her shoulder.
Irulan thought she might surely lose control with the touch of his hand on her back, but the touch of his open mouth kisses on her shoulder just drove her out of her mind. She arched instinctively towards him and clung to the fabric of his tunic as if her sanity depended on it. A blast of fire erupted in her, taking over with every minute. "Legolas!" she whispered again, and had no idea what to do. It felt as if she was only hanging to sanity by a thread. His hand found its way to her back again, and he pulled her closer and up, to trace his path from her shoulder towards her chest. He found the base of her throat and kissed her softly on the little valley between her collarbones. Irulan leant back her head and arched towards him. 'I have to stop! Now!' she thought, but the weakness of that thought was obvious. She wanted Legolas to continue. Continue forever!
"Irulan," he whispered when he managed to break free, "do you trust me?" Irulan tried to think of something to say, but her mind was completely blank. She nodded softly. A moment later she was lying on the floor with Legolas gently lying on her, kissing her throat and approaching her other shoulder. His hand moved from her back to her stomach and he gently pushed aside the tunic from her abdomen. The cool touch of air sent a slight shiver through her. But that was nothing compared with the sudden feeling of his warm lips against her belly.
Irulan was so stunned, she almost sat up, but Legolas continued as if she had not moved at all and she could only sink back and softly grab his hair. He continued kissing her waist, up to the point the belt of her tunic allowed. His lips, his soft hair, his hands on her made Irulan completely snap. She would give herself to him, damn the consequences! He could have her. Right here, right now. As a matter of fact, he should take her, for this fire was becoming unbearable.
"I can not endure this," she whispered, wriggling softly under his touch. Legolas moved up again and kissed her gently. "Neither can I," he said with a hoarse voice. "But.......I would not take you like this, Irulan," he said finally. He closed his eyes and swallowed. His body was spinning, spinning and evading him and he fought the iron temptation to give in to it. He placed his head on her chest, and lay down on her, trying not to crush her with his weight. "Not like this," he whispered again, still fighting the urge.
Irulan felt like screaming for him to go on and take her, damn the rest, but she bit her lower lip and embraced him gently. She had never felt this way before. Even though her relationship with Hasmir had been far more intimate, this sort of fire was never involved in that. She felt him panting softly with his own effort and embraced him harder. Vessun was right......feelings WERE dangerous! A passion like that......could do anything!
After a long time, Legolas gently glided off to lie on the soft grass and encircling her waist with his arm, pulled her with him to lie on her side as well, facing him. They looked at each other for a long time. Finally he pulled her by the waist until their bodies touched and softly kissed her on the lips and on the cheek. "I have never wanted anything as much as I want you," he whispered to her ear.
"Neither have I", she said, kissing him back. "It was like.....a fire," she sighed.
"Yes," he said softly and caressed her cheek. "You are a flame. I wish to be burned by you," he whispered.
Irulan sighed and buried her face in his chest. "The circumstances are not kind to us, Legolas."
"But we have come this far. We shall go further," he said slowly and stroked her hair.
Irulan sighed. "Maybe I should run, then," she said with the ghost of a smile.
"Then I shall chase you," he said kissing her again. "and claim you as mine." Then he grinned slightly. "Or.......I might simply ask you......since you will do anything for me now."
Irulan gasped and hit him on the shoulder. "You dare not!"
"Oh yes, I dare!"
"Where is the gentleman elf I knew?"
"I do not know. He has deserted me," he said and held her closer to him.
"How am I looking?" said Legolas. He was lying on his side, very close and facing her.
"Like.......I don't know....like THAT," she said. "You know what I mean, Legolas."
He sighed softly and continued playing with her fingers. "Do you have feelings for him, Irulan?" he said finally.
Irulan's eyes widened. "What?" Legolas kept looking at her with an expressionless face for a long moment. Finally she continued: "Legolas, you really need to stop this. I thought we were done with this issue."
He kept playing with her hand for another minute. "You have not answered my question," he said.
Irulan rolled her eyes. "No. I mean yes, I love Eomer. He has always been a good friend and protector. But other than that, I have no feelings for him."
He looked into her eyes and kept doing so, until Irulan felt like she had enough. These men were truly beginning to get on her nerves. True, she could end all that by telling the truth about her feelings.......but she needed time, damn it! "You just mean to torture me," she said and snatching her hand back, rolled her back to him.
Legolas swallowed softly. 'Not again!' he thought with a panic rising in his chest. He gently threw his arm around her waist, but Irulan gave no indication that she felt it. "Irulan," he said gently, but she refused to answer. Legolas felt the fear in him growing. 'She dare not shut me out!' he thought, but it truly sounded desperate. Irulan would dare anything, of course. But then, he had deserved this reaction. She had stood up to him, had she not? As a matter of fact, he had been so surprised by that, he had lost often concentration during his 'talk' with Eomer. Irulan had stood by his side. She had refused Eomer....for HIM. Legolas hastily cursed himself for being selfish now.
"Why do you doubt me so?" she said suddenly.
Legolas was baffled. "Doubt you? I do not doubt you," he said. He wished he could see her face.
"Yes you do, Legolas. Not in the matters concerning yourself - I know you have always been open and honest to me about your own feelings. But you doubt me when it comes to others."
"I would never think like that about you," he said, astonished that she would believe him to be like that.
"No, I don't mean to say..........you don't think I would play you. But being a mortal I guess, you think I will run off eventually. As a matter of fact, you said that yourself, did you not?"
Legolas was silent for a moment. He had offended her, even though he had never meant to. "I have made observations, yes. And yet, I have enough sense to know that my observations are not a rule for every mortal."
"Then why?"
Legolas gently pulled her towards him until her body fitted perfectly into his. He encircled her waist again and softly kissed her nape. "Irulan," he said softly, "I fear to make a mistake with you. You are wrong - I do not doubt you, I doubt myself." He was quite for a moment, but then continued: "I wish you to be happy. This wish is beyond any other for me. Even if it means that your happiness will not include me." He pulled her closer by the waist and held a tight embrace. Irulan could feel his warm breath on her nape and his body behind her, like a protective cloak. "I will not blame you if you chose another. Nor will I........stand in your way," he said and then swallowed softly, for his voice failed him. He had no idea how to do that when the time called for it, and yet he had promised himself that he would not risk Irulan's happiness for his own selfish reasons.
Irulan sighed and surprised him by sitting up. He sat up behind her and embraced her waist. "What is it?" he said softly, placing another kiss on her nape. Irulan did not answer but massaged her face softly. Once more he wished he could see her expression. She finally broke the embrace and stood up. Legolas jumped up to his feet and tried to establish eye contact. "Are you angry with me?" he said cautiously.
"No," said Irulan and gently shook her head. "I just.......I......" she broke off and looked into the distance. "I need to walk a little," she said finally. Legolas looked down at her with a confused look. Then he looked around him. It was very dark, but the darkness was broken by campfires and the light of the full moon above them and his elven eyes could see clearly in this light. Yet, it was very late at night and everybody, except the watchers, seemed to be asleep.
"Now?" he said softly, not knowing what else to say. It was perfectly normal, but.......why did she break apart from him like that? Irulan nodded. "Can I come?" he said and expected an angry glance, but to his surprise Irulan smiled and said, "Yes, of course. Join me." His heart made a leap at this pleasant offer. Irulan turned around and walked away, and he followed her.
They walked for a long time under the moonlit rocky hills, climbing up and down. The world was washed in black and blue and seemed like a completely different place from the terrain they had been walking on for days now. 'I certainly will not miss Rohan for some time,' she thought ruefully. 'First the endless running....and now this constant walking! This country is cursed!' She sighed softly and continued, following Legolas. It was not as dark as many other nights. And yet, Irulan saw no reason to take a foolish step and hurt herself while she had a perfect guide with her. So Legolas led silently, and she followed.
"You have something on your mind?" Legolas said finally. It was not a real question, for it was too obvious, but it was the safe way to approach the subject, he thought.
"Yes, I do," sighed Irulan.
A moment of silence set in. "Does it concern the Druids?" he said finally. "Or your dreams perhaps?"
"No......no, it does not," she said. Another silence set in. 'Alright, how do I say this? I should have read those romance novels more carefully, damn it!' she thought.
'Just say the words, Irulan,' said her alter ego. No, she definitely could not. Those three words were impossible to say. She had tried practicing before, but without success. 'You don't have too many options here,' said the voice in amusement. She sighed again. 'Don't worry, I am prepared for this,' she shot back, knowing that it was a lie. True, she had tried to think of some things, but they sounded incredibly stupid even in human standards. An elf would probably be terrified by them.
"Legolas," she said suddenly, and swallowed softly, "do you remember how you told me about the........the wind and the grass?"
Legolas looked back at her, smiling for an instant and then resumed his walk again. "I certainly do."
"Well........I was......thinking about that," she stammered. 'Do not stammer, you fool!' she thought to herself. Legolas did not answer. He was obviously waiting for her to continue. Only Irulan was hoping that he would say something and thereby steer the conversation. She really had no idea how to continue with this. A moment of silence passed and she almost slipped on a piece of rock. "I was......I was thinking that maybe you were wrong."
Legolas halted and looked back at her with raised eyebrows. He did not say anything, though. She stopped too, looking over the hills. "I mean......not wrong. I mean......confused, sort of."
"Confused?" said Legolas, and his voice said very obviously that he did not understand at all.
Irulan sighed with desperation. "Maybe you are the wind and I am the grass," she said finally. Her alter ego actually laughed and if it had a solid form, Irulan would most certainly beat it to death right now. She glanced up at Legolas and he was looking at her with an unreadable look.
"Pray explain," he said finally.
Irulan stepped around him and resumed her walk, knowing that he would follow. "What do I mean?!" she said in desperation. "That's what I mean!" He was supposed to understand, damn it! He was the elf! He should read the metaphors.
"Do you mean to say that I am bending you against your wish, Irulan?" he said suddenly and she missed another step. Legolas caught her before she could fall, but she slapped his hand away once she stood again.
"NO! What kind of interpretation is that?"
Legolas blinked in surprise and remained still. She cast him another angry look and continued to walk. He followed behind. A long silence stretched. "I mean.......you know......you blow like that wind......and it blows right at my heart." She had to stop stammering! 'There! It can not be clearer than that!' she thought with satisfaction.
"Your heart?" said Legolas with a frown on his face.
"Yes."
A long silence followed. "Irulan......do you possibly mean.......I talk or act without thinking and harsh......like I did back at the camp...and wound your heart?"
Irulan moaned and turned around. "Legolas! What is wrong with you?" she said with frustration.
He looked at her with painful confusion. "Forgive me Irulan, I do not understand."
"You sure do not!" she said and began walking again. 'Stupid elf!' she thought, 'how much more obvious can I be?!' "Alright," she said a moment later and softened her voice, "bad example. Maybe I should put it in another way." She thought about it for a minute, then continued: "I think we are very much similar to Aragorn and Arwen. More than you probably think we are." She turned to ask what he thought of that, but suddenly Legolas was not right behind her. Confused, she turned around and found him looking at her, his head slightly cocked, from a few steps away. She walked back to him. 'Finally he understands!' she thought.
"Irulan," he said in a hoarse voice, "do you......." he halted. Then he swallowed and forced himself to continue: "do you mean......to part from me?"
Irulan groaned and covered her face with her hands. "Legolas, I will kill you," she mumbled from behind her hands.
"I might actually desire that at the moment," he whispered deftly to himself, looking away, not knowing what to do.
"You stupid elf!" she boomed suddenly. "What is the difference between me and you and Aragorn and Arwen?"
Legolas swallowed and tried to think. Though he felt completely incapable of that at the moment. Irulan would leave him. She did not want him. He tried to breathe again.
Irulan felt desperate now. Her inner voice was shaking with laughter and she just wanted to cut her own head off in hope that it would finally shut up, too. "They are in love with each other!" she yelled finally. Legolas did not look in the state of answering anyway.
He looked up at her with pain in his beautiful blue eyes. "But I AM in love with you, Irulan," he said softly.
"And I am, with you, you stupid man!" she boomed. All those metaphors, for nothing! She had tortured herself to death thinking of those. For nothing!
Legolas blinked. If he would not know better, he would think his ears were deceiving him. She had actually said......but......she meant to leave him......and yet.........
Irulan sighed and began to walk back to the camp. It was a long distance and she had had enough walking with this mindless elf who could not even understand the most obvious metaphors! Legolas grabbed her arm as she passed by him, and turned her to him. "You......are in love with....me?" he whispered, his eyes boring into hers. She was so taken aback by that look, she could only nod. Legolas let go of her suddenly and took a step back.
A moment passed. An hour passed. A century passed. Something very odd happened, for this time the whole world DID indeed explode in him. A sharp pain along with unbelievable pleasure surged through him suddenly and never in his entire life, had he felt something even similar to this. He swayed softly and slowly walked up to the base of a rocky hill, turned around to place his back to the stone wall, then he glided down and sat on the soft grass, lost in a world of his own. He felt his heart actually painfully being squeezed. Suddenly he could not breathe either. Irulan was in love with him. Another mind blowing surge of sensation passed through him and he almost groaned at his weakness in the face of such a force. A part of his mind was desperately trying to understand his state and he could feel the soft pulse of fear trying to reach his consciousness, but another part of him had given up understanding and just lay there, surrendering to anything that would come.
Irulan had been watching him from the corner of her eye and now she stared at him openly with widened eyes. 'What is going on here?' she thought with utter confusion. She re-winded the whole conversation in her mind quickly and replayed it, but STILL he did not make sense. He began to tremble slightly and she could not take it any longer. She ran up to him and remained rooted in front of him, not knowing if she should touch him or not. What if he was going through........what if he was sick? 'No, elves do not get sick,' she thought. Yes........but what if it was an elven sickness of some sort? 'An elven sickness?!' she thought baffled. No, that made no sense. But then.........neither did this whole thing.
She slowly leaned over and tried to establish eye contact while keeping a distance to give him a comfortable space. Legolas' eyes looked glazed for a moment and she began to fear for real when he blinked and he looked himself suddenly. "Are you alright?" she whispered with urgency. He nodded softly. "Well....." she said uneasily, "you don't look alright." He waved his hand as if to say he was fine, but could not find breath to reply. Irulan hesitated for a moment, then slowly approached him and finally sat close to him. "Legolas, what is happening?" she said with a tinge of fear now.
He laughed softly and it came out like sobs. "Nothing," he said finally.
"Stop it!" she said, this time louder. "Are you in pain?"
Legolas smiled up to her and nodded softly. "I am," he said with difficulty.
Her eyes widened. "Wh-What? Why?" and she scanned him hastily for wounds, but though he seemed to be trembling, she saw none. "Where is the wound, damn it!?"
He took her hand and guided it to his heart. "Right here," he whispered.
Irulan looked up at him with irritation. "That's not funny, Legolas. Tell me now, you foolish elf!"
He laughed softly at that again and closed his eyes to swallow hard. He felt so dizzy. Maybe he was dying indeed. "Open your eyes!" said Irulan with anxiety and shook him softly. Legolas opened his eyes to look at her. She looked worried beyond reason, and it was funny that she should be so and yet, he could not explain to her now why that was. It was an effort he simply felt not up to. Irulan scooted closer and touched his face. "Legolas.......please......what is it?" she stammered and she sounded about to cry.
"I don't know," he whispered finally. "Wait a little while."
So Irulan waited and moments passed like centuries. She felt like biting her fingernails with anxiety and constantly glanced back towards the camp, wondering if she should run off screaming for Aragorn.
A few minutes passed and Legolas began to feel better. He felt the world returning to him and the painful intensity receding slowly. A few more minutes, and alas, the pain in his heart faded away and his pulse returned to normal. He felt air surging through his lungs.
"Legolas, can you walk? If you can not, I will run and get help; wait for me here!"
He softly shook his head. "I am well, Irulan. It is behind me now."
She looked him up and down suspiciously, then touched his forehead again. It was as cool as ever. His trembling was gone, though. She took a deep, ragged breath. "Legolas.......do you have any idea how much you scared me? I thought I was going to die myself, you foolish elf!"
He sighed softly and looked at her. "I love you, Irulan," he said, and it seemed to be an answer to everything.
"And I love you," she said with a tinge of anger. "But you almost killed me!"
He smiled and took her hand to kiss it. "I love you."
Irulan closed her eyes and shook her head slightly. 'Men!' she thought. She moved forward and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. "And I love you," she whispered.
He trembled slightly again and she felt panic rise in her. But it passed swiftly this time. "Why did you not tell me?" he whispered.
"I was........afraid," she said and it sounded absolutely stupid. She knew now that she could have spared him a lot of suffering if she had told him before.
Legolas looked at her, amazed. "Why?"
Irulan shrugged and looked away. "I guess I am just a distorted creature, that's why," she said finally.
Legolas slowly sat up and reached out to touch her cheek. "I knew you were meant for me," he whispered and took a deep breath. "A part of me was so afraid you would go for another. But another part knew you were mine. I have found you again."
Irulan smiled slowly. "Have we met before, Legolas?"
"Though I have no proof of that, I know we have and I know we will yet again.......as I know that I love you now." He swallowed softly and blinked away his tears. This overload of emotions was astonishingly painful and yet........... relieving. The fire in him, although subsiding now, was still a warmth, pulsing like a second heart. He realized suddenly that there was no difference to feelings. When strong enough, their boundaries melted and all became one. And that one feeling was nothing that words could come even close to describe. He closed his eyes and let it be. It did not want description, then there should be none.
Irulan felt like crying. Legolas was obviously going through something and one moment it seemed good, but the next moment she feared for him, for he looked in pain. And she could do nothing about it! Her accursed kind was unable to reach out and share his sensations - much less dampen them. She just sat there in utter confusion and feeling helpless.
"Don't you dare leave me!" she said finally. She had often thought that she would die, leaving Legolas behind, but him dying before her! That was impossible! Suddenly Irulan understood what he must have been feeling for her and her mortality. 'What kind of person can endure such pain?' she thought.
Legolas opened his eyes and shifted slightly to sit more upright and more comfortable. "Leave you?" he said in confusion.
"I mean.......Legolas, are you feeling better or worse?"
Legolas thought about that for a moment. The onslaught of feelings in him was subsiding. And that was both good and yet......not that good. A part of him felt the desire for its continuance. "I do not know," he said softly and tried to understand his inner turmoil.
"That's it! You are scaring me!" she said in exasperation.
"Irulan, don't be afraid. I am well. It will pass," he said gently.
Irulan did not know what to do. She felt like crying. 'What is going on?!' she thought with desperation again and suddenly, once more understood what Legolas must be going through with her most of the time. She remembered the day she had the nightmare in Edoras and suddenly decided that she should follow his example. She leaned in and softly kissed him. He looked back at her pleasantly surprised. "You must forgive me," she said slowly.
"For what?" whispered Legolas.
"For everything!" she yelped, and then added softer: "Everything. I have been so horrible to you!"
He slowly sat up completely and leaned back. A smile spread on his lips. "There is nothing to forgive Irulan," he said softly. "I feel better already."
"And I will do anything you ask," she said hastily.
His eyebrows shot up at that. "Anything?" he said with disbelief. Irulan nodded softly.
"I trust you not to ask me anything.....drastic, of course," she said with a tinge of unease.
"Of course," said Legolas with a grin. A moment passed between them. "Come here," he said softly. Irulan smiled and moved to sit closer. Legolas grinned like a little child. "It will certainly take some time to get used to this," he said with amusement. "Come closer," he whispered a moment later, and Irulan obeyed. He softly grabbed her hair by the roots and leaned in to kiss her slowly and intensely. Irulan kissed him back and he deepened the kiss until everything else dissolved around them and only the kiss remained. Legolas gently pushed the doors to her soul and Irulan gave away under his touch, letting him in. He pulled her even closer and Irulan wrapped her arms around his neck, her hands softly combing through his hair. He encircled her waist with his free arm and embraced her firmly, at the same time, tilting her towards his lap and she pulled him along, their kiss still deepening. Finally when they broke it, they were both dizzy, and yet yearning to be united again.
"I think........." Irulan said, still a little out of breath, "you feel a lot better."
"Indeed, I do," whispered Legolas, smiling. He pulled her to his lap, her arms still around his neck and shoulders and his, cradling her. He leaned in and placed gentle kisses along her neck, moving down to her throat and her collarbone. Irulan closed her eyes with the sensation pulsing inside her. Once more a flame spread through her, but this time, she decided to surrender. "Legolas," she whispered as he moved up to her neck again. He kissed the sensitive skin below her ear. Irulan gasped.
"Yes?" he whispered, not halting for too long and continuing.
"Are you......trying to seduce me?" she said with effort, because it was becoming ever harder to hold on to reason. "I suggest you stop", she stammered. Legolas chuckled lightly and once more found her lips and engaged in a searing kiss.
"I can not," he said, when he broke it. The fire in his eyes was enough to burn her to ash. It spoke to a deep fire within herself, luring it out. She shifted slightly, unable to resist a soft sigh escaping from her lips. "Let me touch you," Legolas said softly and kissed her throat. Even if she wished to say no, Irulan completely lacked the will power to form the words. Besides, suddenly she had this funny idea that his touch might actually cool the flame that was burning her body.
"Yes," she whispered barely, burying her face into his neck as he resumed his path across her neckline. She began to kiss his cheek and his neck and Legolas moaned softly. For some reason, that moan ignited a passion in her, that she had been completely unaware of before. Legolas kept her in his grip with his arm cradling her back and freeing the other one from the embrace, slowly moved it up from underneath her tunic. A gasp shook her when his cool fingers touched the soft flesh of her smaller back. He caressed it and felt her give in with every soft caress. She softly kissed the rim of his sensitive elven ears and Legolas could feel something in him threatening to snap at that. He moaned again and removed his hand to reach the neckline of her tunic from outside and swiftly pushed it aside to reveal her shoulder.
Irulan thought she might surely lose control with the touch of his hand on her back, but the touch of his open mouth kisses on her shoulder just drove her out of her mind. She arched instinctively towards him and clung to the fabric of his tunic as if her sanity depended on it. A blast of fire erupted in her, taking over with every minute. "Legolas!" she whispered again, and had no idea what to do. It felt as if she was only hanging to sanity by a thread. His hand found its way to her back again, and he pulled her closer and up, to trace his path from her shoulder towards her chest. He found the base of her throat and kissed her softly on the little valley between her collarbones. Irulan leant back her head and arched towards him. 'I have to stop! Now!' she thought, but the weakness of that thought was obvious. She wanted Legolas to continue. Continue forever!
"Irulan," he whispered when he managed to break free, "do you trust me?" Irulan tried to think of something to say, but her mind was completely blank. She nodded softly. A moment later she was lying on the floor with Legolas gently lying on her, kissing her throat and approaching her other shoulder. His hand moved from her back to her stomach and he gently pushed aside the tunic from her abdomen. The cool touch of air sent a slight shiver through her. But that was nothing compared with the sudden feeling of his warm lips against her belly.
Irulan was so stunned, she almost sat up, but Legolas continued as if she had not moved at all and she could only sink back and softly grab his hair. He continued kissing her waist, up to the point the belt of her tunic allowed. His lips, his soft hair, his hands on her made Irulan completely snap. She would give herself to him, damn the consequences! He could have her. Right here, right now. As a matter of fact, he should take her, for this fire was becoming unbearable.
"I can not endure this," she whispered, wriggling softly under his touch. Legolas moved up again and kissed her gently. "Neither can I," he said with a hoarse voice. "But.......I would not take you like this, Irulan," he said finally. He closed his eyes and swallowed. His body was spinning, spinning and evading him and he fought the iron temptation to give in to it. He placed his head on her chest, and lay down on her, trying not to crush her with his weight. "Not like this," he whispered again, still fighting the urge.
Irulan felt like screaming for him to go on and take her, damn the rest, but she bit her lower lip and embraced him gently. She had never felt this way before. Even though her relationship with Hasmir had been far more intimate, this sort of fire was never involved in that. She felt him panting softly with his own effort and embraced him harder. Vessun was right......feelings WERE dangerous! A passion like that......could do anything!
After a long time, Legolas gently glided off to lie on the soft grass and encircling her waist with his arm, pulled her with him to lie on her side as well, facing him. They looked at each other for a long time. Finally he pulled her by the waist until their bodies touched and softly kissed her on the lips and on the cheek. "I have never wanted anything as much as I want you," he whispered to her ear.
"Neither have I", she said, kissing him back. "It was like.....a fire," she sighed.
"Yes," he said softly and caressed her cheek. "You are a flame. I wish to be burned by you," he whispered.
Irulan sighed and buried her face in his chest. "The circumstances are not kind to us, Legolas."
"But we have come this far. We shall go further," he said slowly and stroked her hair.
Irulan sighed. "Maybe I should run, then," she said with the ghost of a smile.
"Then I shall chase you," he said kissing her again. "and claim you as mine." Then he grinned slightly. "Or.......I might simply ask you......since you will do anything for me now."
Irulan gasped and hit him on the shoulder. "You dare not!"
"Oh yes, I dare!"
"Where is the gentleman elf I knew?"
"I do not know. He has deserted me," he said and held her closer to him.