Chapter Six: Miss Middle Earth
According to Aragorn, we were to spend a week or two in Lothlórien meaning I had plenty of time to carry out my plan. We had already spent five days in the Golden Wood. But that was the least of my worries. I was concerned especially with Emily. She was still carrying on the obedient puppy dog routine and was now becoming a love-sick and obedient puppy dog. Finally I decided to ask her about it. Since I despise the word 'boyfriend' in anyway, I played a very important role in my other friends love lives. NO, I didn't not play matchmaker.well.maybe once but-Never mind.
So, on the sixth day of our arrival, I marched up to Emily, a determined look plastered on my face.
"Emily Wallace!" I began. "Are you hitting on Aragorn?" she gave me a startled look, which quickly changed to a beet red, defiant one.
"No! Why would I?" she asked lamely.
"The jig is up, Alien! I can see you stalking our agent even as we speak!" I said, flashing an invisible ID "MIB, freeze!"
"What's that supposed to mean, Most Interfering Bestfriend?" she replied dryly.
"Just remember, soldier," I said, ignoring her comment. "He's already has a girlfriend, or whatever the little child wants to call it. No interfering with people's love lives for you, kiddo!" She raised her arm in threat and I ducked. She was glaring at me, fuming silently.
"Er.Oh, well, I think I hear Legolas calling me!" I said hastily and scampered off, smirking. I knew that she knew Legolas had in fact gone with Aragorn and Frodo to meet with Galadriel and Celeborn.
Most everyone else had wandered off to do things themselves, which meant I would be alone for a while. I slipped over to my little 'area' and grabbed hold of the bow and quiver Legolas had given me. I went off to find a secluded spot, in hopes of practicing in peace. Carefully I placed an arrow on the bow, and pulled the bowstring back, mocking a shot. I tried to remember what Legolas had told me. As annoying as he seemed when he was teaching me, the Elf had experience.
I stood there for a moment, feeling the rough bow beneath my hands. I shook myself out of my faze and repositioned my hands more correctly. My feet didn't really feel right, and them seemed very out of place. Shifting them a little, I brought my bow up again. The sound of someone approaching made me lower it quickly.
A fair Elven woman was approaching, her hair falling down from a crown of wild flowers in long lengths. Her blue eyes stared at me intently, a slight smile playing upon her lips.
"Who are you, who wander alone in this place of solitude?" she asked daintily. I decided right away that I didn't like her. She look far to lady- like for my mind. I despised all who thought girls were supposed to be delicate flowers of beauty or whatever those empty minded people though.
"I don't see why it matters to you. You, though, must be Miss Middle Earth of something. Tell me, how many times did you enter the contest and win?" I answered shortly, swearing under my breath. A wide, prissy smile fluttered onto her face. As much as I hated thinking those girly words to describe her, they fit this pathetic excuse for a female perfectly.
"True, it matters naught to me, " she said slowly, her sweet voice dripping with honey. I grimaced. "I, however, am Lady Ariavasiel. I do not know who this 'Miss Middle Earth' is."
"Oh, it's a real pleasure," I said, my voice dripping in sarcasm. "I'm Darth Vader." She looked puzzled for a moment, then laughed, a happy laugh. I shuddered at the sound.
"Will you tell me your real name please? T'would be a fair exchange, since I gave you mine," she said merrily.
"My name is Bartholomew."
"What an interesting name. Lady Bartholomew, what brings you here to this clearing with such adornment?" she asked, her voice politely confused. I sighed as she pointed at my bow.
"I am running away from home, dear friend," I said in a mournful voice, trying extremely hard not to laugh. "My mother and father do not care for me, and I fear I am on my own now. I have taken this weapon in hopes of defending myself, though I know it is folly, as I could never do such a thing. I have not the intelligence level to hold this silly boy item." I ended with a sigh of 'regret.' I was actually breathing deeply to keep from cracking up. The look on the Elf's face told me she was buying my 'sob story.'
As I opened my mouth to continued, someone from behind me started to laugh. I whipped around, almost loosing balance, to see Emily, Legolas and Aragorn stepping out from behind several trees. I glared at them.
"You ruined it you oafs! She believed the whole thing and then you come in and start laughing at me!" I said with a scowl. Emily only grinned. I tilted my head slightly to see how the Elf was taking this (you really expect me to remember the ditz's name?). She was batting her eyes at someone, much to my surprise. Who in God's name was here that she would do that to?
I suddenly remember who had accompanied Emily. Aragorn and a certain Elf.When I realized this I groaned and turned my head in Legolas's direction. He was staring up at the sky (or rather the tree branches in this case), pretending not to notice. I smirked inwardly. Well, someone's going to have her girly, elvish tantrum when she gets home when she sees he's not paying attention to her.
"That was the most unbelievable sob story I've ever heard," Emily continued. "Who would ever buy that?"
"Well, Snow White over there sure did."
"Oh.who's she?"
"How am I supposed to know? I want nothing to do with the empty minded thing," I stated gruffly. As if on cue, the Elf started to speak.
"Forgive me, my lords and lady, I am Lady Ariavasiel," she said prettily, enough to make me sick. "I am pleased to make your acquaintance!" I started making quiet puking noises behind my hand. Childish, but perfectly descriptive of my mood. Legolas looked a lot like he was about to do the very thing. Aragorn, being the gentleman he shouldn't have, nodded and did a polite bow. Legolas followed in suit, a little more grudgingly though. Emily just stared at her.
"I am Aragorn, and these are my comrades, Legolas and Emily," he said shortly, purposely stripping all three names of their titles.
"Can I call you Nasal Passage for short?" Emily asked. I erupted into a fit of little laughs.
"No, of course not!" replied Ariavasiel hotly (hey, I remembered her name!). "I've never met a ruder lady than either of you!" She gave us a very lady-like glare.
"At least I'm not a freakin' house wife! At least I can do things by myself and I don't scream when I mess up my appearance!" I shot back at her. If there's one thing I hate, it's a snobbish Miss Popular who thinks she's the center of the universe. They get to me. I never once thought I had been reading Tamora Pierce too much though.
"I keep waiting for one of to explode," Legolas interrupted airily. I grinned at Ariavasiel, who was blushing deep red and muttering apologies. I had very much wanted to wipe that prissy smile off her face, but I still took great pleasure in watching Legolas do it.
"Now if anyone has any objections to it, I'm taking my student off to practice," Legolas said and started to steer me away. "Come on, um r'aug iell." I glared at him for his insult. Though I couldn't speak much Elvish, I could tell what he was saying.
"Oh go throw yourself into a river, Pointy Ears," I grumbled and he grabbed on of my ears. "I think you'd look lovely with Elf ears, don't you?" he said offhandedly and gave my ear a little yank. I gave a startled yelp and he let go, snickering.
"Remember, little grasshopper, you must sleep sometime," I muttered, mostly to myself. "Oh yeah.student?" I asked in a louder voice. He only grinned and went off, with an excuse that he wanted to talk to Gimli.
****
"Oooooh, Sammy, my friend!" I called in a singsong voice. "I have a new Elf song to show you." Sam gave me a tense look before trotting over to me. Emily's face broke into a sweet smile as she began the song she had devised a long time ago.
"I'm a happy tree elf, tree elf, tree elf! I'm a happy tree elf, la da da dee!
Oooooh look there's a little fox, he looks like he wants to plaaaaaaay"
And she ended the song with a loud crunching sound, as of eating bones. I burst out laughing at Sam's horrified look. He then regained his dignity and glared at us.
"What makes you two fools think an' Elf would fit in a fox's mouth?" he asked with an angry look.
"We don't. Obviously, since it's have to be a huge fox to eat someone like Legolas.It's called humor, Sammy old boy."
"Well, it's not at all funny to me!"
"You're opinion doesn't count because you're just a perverted hobbit who likes gardening." "I-I-I." he stuttered, spitting with rage. "I've had enough of you too idiots! I'm going to tie you up and haul you around in sacks from now on!"
"Oh look, Emily, the wittle hobbit tinks he's sooo big and scary! I've got news for you, midget, I'M FOUR FEET TALLER THAN YOU!" I cried with a grin. Sam stomped away to his dear Frodo as Emily and I began to howl with laughter. An angry, purple hobbit is a hilarious sight. Particularly if he threatens you.
****
We had stayed in Lothlórien a full two weeks down. My archery had improved greatly and I even managed to convince Legolas to let me loosen a few arrows. In the time spent there I almost forgot about the quest entirely. Though I despretly wished that pathetic ecuse for an Elf would leave me alone, she didn't. Ariavasiel kept popping up everyone, throwing spiteful remarks at me. I was getting really tired of it. You try having some blond thing jump out at your when you're about to launch an arrow.
I decided that something had to be done about it. The Elf couldn't go on like this. So, one of the times she decided to "drop by" I asked her about it. It was when I was with Emily, watching her polish her sword for the eleventh time this morning.
"Emily, are you going to sit there all day and clean that thing?" I asked lazily.
"No! I'm just bored," she retorted and I sighed.
"You are too bored now a days. Should we go do something evil?"
"Like what? I can't think of any more foul ideas to try out on Sam," she replied and set down the cloth she was using. I was about to reply when I heard a bit of giggling. Groaning, I stood and started to poke my hand through a larg bush nearby, knowing that Ariavasiel was hiding somewhere. She wasn't in the bush however.
"God, where is that freak of an Elf?" I cried in exasperation as Emily smirked. "And stop laughing at me. She's driving me crazy!"
"You and me both," I heard someone behind me say. As I turned, I saw Legolas walking toward his, Ariavasiel at his heels. A grin slowly spread onto my face and he glared at me.
"Well someone's got a stalker." Emily commented slowly and set her sword down. I listened to Ariavasiel talk to Legolas however, and not my friend.
"Please will you come with me?" the she-Elf pleaded.
"No! I've told you a hundred time, NO!" Legolas cried out in anger.
"I think that means 'go away and never come back because if you do I'll be reading to use you for target practice,'" I told Ariavasiel with a mocking smile.
"You stay out of this, you cocky *BEEP*," she snarled at me.
"Make me you little."I trailed off, but started again. "Meepneep meepfee meeper meeplahy moop!" Everyone stared at me except for Emily, who started to snicker. I was talking in our secret language we made up with our friend Bonnie, called the Meepish Language.
"What was that?" Ariavasiel asked suspiciously.
"Oh nothing. I just called you a fuzzy pink, crudy, mongoose," I replied sweetly and watched Ariavasiel's face gather a confused and angry look.
"Why you little-" she started to say but I cut her off.
"Just go away or else I'll curse you to an oblivion. And green makes you look like an oversized cabbage by the way," I said tartly, gesturing to her forest green dress. She glared at me, then Emily. With a last glance at Legolas, who was trying very hard not to break into laughter, she stormed off.
"At least we won't see her for a while." Legolas said finally.
"I doubt it. I didn't insult her very much."
"But she took it very badly. Just watch, you'll see," he replied. I dearly hoped so, because if she jumps in my face again, I just might rip her pretty little self to shreds and scatter her bloody remains for the vultures to eat.
*****
I hope it didn't take me too long to update. I'm hoping to add chapter seven on soon. TASAKAPEOTKAUU: Gaaa.away from the Lego-backpack demon fangirls. I'm armed with my spork of doom. *sits on backpack protectivly.* I hate those stupid fan girls.they're like Ariavasiel actually. *grin* Anywayz, I think you'll have ta ask Tolkien's grave if you can have Haldir... I don't own *starts to weep* LOTR! (as seen in too long disclaimer.lol)
Dy: THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN! I am such an airhead.
A/N-The Meepish Language is copyrighted by the Katie and Emily DJ Company and.nevermind. Me and Emiloo made it up (w/ the help of our friend Bonnie) so therefore it's COPYRIGHTED. Not REALLY but please don't use it as your own. Even if I only put in one sentence. *grin*
OTHER A/N-From what I found out, "um r'aug iell" means "evil demon girl" in Sindarin. I found it out off of a site called The Sindarin Dictionary. Yeah, like in the story, I have no idea how to say much in Elvish. *sobs momentarily* Anyway, I have no idea if it's right or not, because I just put together the words "evil" "demon" and "girl." If anyone has any tips to help me with Elvish, my ears are open! *grin* This is the url for the Sindarin Dictionary: http://www.jrrvf.com/%7Ehisweloke/sindar/
According to Aragorn, we were to spend a week or two in Lothlórien meaning I had plenty of time to carry out my plan. We had already spent five days in the Golden Wood. But that was the least of my worries. I was concerned especially with Emily. She was still carrying on the obedient puppy dog routine and was now becoming a love-sick and obedient puppy dog. Finally I decided to ask her about it. Since I despise the word 'boyfriend' in anyway, I played a very important role in my other friends love lives. NO, I didn't not play matchmaker.well.maybe once but-Never mind.
So, on the sixth day of our arrival, I marched up to Emily, a determined look plastered on my face.
"Emily Wallace!" I began. "Are you hitting on Aragorn?" she gave me a startled look, which quickly changed to a beet red, defiant one.
"No! Why would I?" she asked lamely.
"The jig is up, Alien! I can see you stalking our agent even as we speak!" I said, flashing an invisible ID "MIB, freeze!"
"What's that supposed to mean, Most Interfering Bestfriend?" she replied dryly.
"Just remember, soldier," I said, ignoring her comment. "He's already has a girlfriend, or whatever the little child wants to call it. No interfering with people's love lives for you, kiddo!" She raised her arm in threat and I ducked. She was glaring at me, fuming silently.
"Er.Oh, well, I think I hear Legolas calling me!" I said hastily and scampered off, smirking. I knew that she knew Legolas had in fact gone with Aragorn and Frodo to meet with Galadriel and Celeborn.
Most everyone else had wandered off to do things themselves, which meant I would be alone for a while. I slipped over to my little 'area' and grabbed hold of the bow and quiver Legolas had given me. I went off to find a secluded spot, in hopes of practicing in peace. Carefully I placed an arrow on the bow, and pulled the bowstring back, mocking a shot. I tried to remember what Legolas had told me. As annoying as he seemed when he was teaching me, the Elf had experience.
I stood there for a moment, feeling the rough bow beneath my hands. I shook myself out of my faze and repositioned my hands more correctly. My feet didn't really feel right, and them seemed very out of place. Shifting them a little, I brought my bow up again. The sound of someone approaching made me lower it quickly.
A fair Elven woman was approaching, her hair falling down from a crown of wild flowers in long lengths. Her blue eyes stared at me intently, a slight smile playing upon her lips.
"Who are you, who wander alone in this place of solitude?" she asked daintily. I decided right away that I didn't like her. She look far to lady- like for my mind. I despised all who thought girls were supposed to be delicate flowers of beauty or whatever those empty minded people though.
"I don't see why it matters to you. You, though, must be Miss Middle Earth of something. Tell me, how many times did you enter the contest and win?" I answered shortly, swearing under my breath. A wide, prissy smile fluttered onto her face. As much as I hated thinking those girly words to describe her, they fit this pathetic excuse for a female perfectly.
"True, it matters naught to me, " she said slowly, her sweet voice dripping with honey. I grimaced. "I, however, am Lady Ariavasiel. I do not know who this 'Miss Middle Earth' is."
"Oh, it's a real pleasure," I said, my voice dripping in sarcasm. "I'm Darth Vader." She looked puzzled for a moment, then laughed, a happy laugh. I shuddered at the sound.
"Will you tell me your real name please? T'would be a fair exchange, since I gave you mine," she said merrily.
"My name is Bartholomew."
"What an interesting name. Lady Bartholomew, what brings you here to this clearing with such adornment?" she asked, her voice politely confused. I sighed as she pointed at my bow.
"I am running away from home, dear friend," I said in a mournful voice, trying extremely hard not to laugh. "My mother and father do not care for me, and I fear I am on my own now. I have taken this weapon in hopes of defending myself, though I know it is folly, as I could never do such a thing. I have not the intelligence level to hold this silly boy item." I ended with a sigh of 'regret.' I was actually breathing deeply to keep from cracking up. The look on the Elf's face told me she was buying my 'sob story.'
As I opened my mouth to continued, someone from behind me started to laugh. I whipped around, almost loosing balance, to see Emily, Legolas and Aragorn stepping out from behind several trees. I glared at them.
"You ruined it you oafs! She believed the whole thing and then you come in and start laughing at me!" I said with a scowl. Emily only grinned. I tilted my head slightly to see how the Elf was taking this (you really expect me to remember the ditz's name?). She was batting her eyes at someone, much to my surprise. Who in God's name was here that she would do that to?
I suddenly remember who had accompanied Emily. Aragorn and a certain Elf.When I realized this I groaned and turned my head in Legolas's direction. He was staring up at the sky (or rather the tree branches in this case), pretending not to notice. I smirked inwardly. Well, someone's going to have her girly, elvish tantrum when she gets home when she sees he's not paying attention to her.
"That was the most unbelievable sob story I've ever heard," Emily continued. "Who would ever buy that?"
"Well, Snow White over there sure did."
"Oh.who's she?"
"How am I supposed to know? I want nothing to do with the empty minded thing," I stated gruffly. As if on cue, the Elf started to speak.
"Forgive me, my lords and lady, I am Lady Ariavasiel," she said prettily, enough to make me sick. "I am pleased to make your acquaintance!" I started making quiet puking noises behind my hand. Childish, but perfectly descriptive of my mood. Legolas looked a lot like he was about to do the very thing. Aragorn, being the gentleman he shouldn't have, nodded and did a polite bow. Legolas followed in suit, a little more grudgingly though. Emily just stared at her.
"I am Aragorn, and these are my comrades, Legolas and Emily," he said shortly, purposely stripping all three names of their titles.
"Can I call you Nasal Passage for short?" Emily asked. I erupted into a fit of little laughs.
"No, of course not!" replied Ariavasiel hotly (hey, I remembered her name!). "I've never met a ruder lady than either of you!" She gave us a very lady-like glare.
"At least I'm not a freakin' house wife! At least I can do things by myself and I don't scream when I mess up my appearance!" I shot back at her. If there's one thing I hate, it's a snobbish Miss Popular who thinks she's the center of the universe. They get to me. I never once thought I had been reading Tamora Pierce too much though.
"I keep waiting for one of to explode," Legolas interrupted airily. I grinned at Ariavasiel, who was blushing deep red and muttering apologies. I had very much wanted to wipe that prissy smile off her face, but I still took great pleasure in watching Legolas do it.
"Now if anyone has any objections to it, I'm taking my student off to practice," Legolas said and started to steer me away. "Come on, um r'aug iell." I glared at him for his insult. Though I couldn't speak much Elvish, I could tell what he was saying.
"Oh go throw yourself into a river, Pointy Ears," I grumbled and he grabbed on of my ears. "I think you'd look lovely with Elf ears, don't you?" he said offhandedly and gave my ear a little yank. I gave a startled yelp and he let go, snickering.
"Remember, little grasshopper, you must sleep sometime," I muttered, mostly to myself. "Oh yeah.student?" I asked in a louder voice. He only grinned and went off, with an excuse that he wanted to talk to Gimli.
****
"Oooooh, Sammy, my friend!" I called in a singsong voice. "I have a new Elf song to show you." Sam gave me a tense look before trotting over to me. Emily's face broke into a sweet smile as she began the song she had devised a long time ago.
"I'm a happy tree elf, tree elf, tree elf! I'm a happy tree elf, la da da dee!
Oooooh look there's a little fox, he looks like he wants to plaaaaaaay"
And she ended the song with a loud crunching sound, as of eating bones. I burst out laughing at Sam's horrified look. He then regained his dignity and glared at us.
"What makes you two fools think an' Elf would fit in a fox's mouth?" he asked with an angry look.
"We don't. Obviously, since it's have to be a huge fox to eat someone like Legolas.It's called humor, Sammy old boy."
"Well, it's not at all funny to me!"
"You're opinion doesn't count because you're just a perverted hobbit who likes gardening." "I-I-I." he stuttered, spitting with rage. "I've had enough of you too idiots! I'm going to tie you up and haul you around in sacks from now on!"
"Oh look, Emily, the wittle hobbit tinks he's sooo big and scary! I've got news for you, midget, I'M FOUR FEET TALLER THAN YOU!" I cried with a grin. Sam stomped away to his dear Frodo as Emily and I began to howl with laughter. An angry, purple hobbit is a hilarious sight. Particularly if he threatens you.
****
We had stayed in Lothlórien a full two weeks down. My archery had improved greatly and I even managed to convince Legolas to let me loosen a few arrows. In the time spent there I almost forgot about the quest entirely. Though I despretly wished that pathetic ecuse for an Elf would leave me alone, she didn't. Ariavasiel kept popping up everyone, throwing spiteful remarks at me. I was getting really tired of it. You try having some blond thing jump out at your when you're about to launch an arrow.
I decided that something had to be done about it. The Elf couldn't go on like this. So, one of the times she decided to "drop by" I asked her about it. It was when I was with Emily, watching her polish her sword for the eleventh time this morning.
"Emily, are you going to sit there all day and clean that thing?" I asked lazily.
"No! I'm just bored," she retorted and I sighed.
"You are too bored now a days. Should we go do something evil?"
"Like what? I can't think of any more foul ideas to try out on Sam," she replied and set down the cloth she was using. I was about to reply when I heard a bit of giggling. Groaning, I stood and started to poke my hand through a larg bush nearby, knowing that Ariavasiel was hiding somewhere. She wasn't in the bush however.
"God, where is that freak of an Elf?" I cried in exasperation as Emily smirked. "And stop laughing at me. She's driving me crazy!"
"You and me both," I heard someone behind me say. As I turned, I saw Legolas walking toward his, Ariavasiel at his heels. A grin slowly spread onto my face and he glared at me.
"Well someone's got a stalker." Emily commented slowly and set her sword down. I listened to Ariavasiel talk to Legolas however, and not my friend.
"Please will you come with me?" the she-Elf pleaded.
"No! I've told you a hundred time, NO!" Legolas cried out in anger.
"I think that means 'go away and never come back because if you do I'll be reading to use you for target practice,'" I told Ariavasiel with a mocking smile.
"You stay out of this, you cocky *BEEP*," she snarled at me.
"Make me you little."I trailed off, but started again. "Meepneep meepfee meeper meeplahy moop!" Everyone stared at me except for Emily, who started to snicker. I was talking in our secret language we made up with our friend Bonnie, called the Meepish Language.
"What was that?" Ariavasiel asked suspiciously.
"Oh nothing. I just called you a fuzzy pink, crudy, mongoose," I replied sweetly and watched Ariavasiel's face gather a confused and angry look.
"Why you little-" she started to say but I cut her off.
"Just go away or else I'll curse you to an oblivion. And green makes you look like an oversized cabbage by the way," I said tartly, gesturing to her forest green dress. She glared at me, then Emily. With a last glance at Legolas, who was trying very hard not to break into laughter, she stormed off.
"At least we won't see her for a while." Legolas said finally.
"I doubt it. I didn't insult her very much."
"But she took it very badly. Just watch, you'll see," he replied. I dearly hoped so, because if she jumps in my face again, I just might rip her pretty little self to shreds and scatter her bloody remains for the vultures to eat.
*****
I hope it didn't take me too long to update. I'm hoping to add chapter seven on soon. TASAKAPEOTKAUU: Gaaa.away from the Lego-backpack demon fangirls. I'm armed with my spork of doom. *sits on backpack protectivly.* I hate those stupid fan girls.they're like Ariavasiel actually. *grin* Anywayz, I think you'll have ta ask Tolkien's grave if you can have Haldir... I don't own *starts to weep* LOTR! (as seen in too long disclaimer.lol)
Dy: THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN! I am such an airhead.
A/N-The Meepish Language is copyrighted by the Katie and Emily DJ Company and.nevermind. Me and Emiloo made it up (w/ the help of our friend Bonnie) so therefore it's COPYRIGHTED. Not REALLY but please don't use it as your own. Even if I only put in one sentence. *grin*
OTHER A/N-From what I found out, "um r'aug iell" means "evil demon girl" in Sindarin. I found it out off of a site called The Sindarin Dictionary. Yeah, like in the story, I have no idea how to say much in Elvish. *sobs momentarily* Anyway, I have no idea if it's right or not, because I just put together the words "evil" "demon" and "girl." If anyone has any tips to help me with Elvish, my ears are open! *grin* This is the url for the Sindarin Dictionary: http://www.jrrvf.com/%7Ehisweloke/sindar/