Chapter Nine: The Fellowship Receives a Rude Awakening and Bartholomew is
Kidnapped Again
The small, innocent piece of metal glinted in the sunlight. It was such a useful thing, yet none of the oafs knew what it was. I had forgotten that the paper clip wasn't invented yet. But now, that was all in the past. I was the supreme ruler of their attention now. I was standing in the middle of the four hobbits, holding the paper clip high about my head.
"This is a sacred object of my people," I said in a mysterious whisper. "It contains power beyond any mortal or immortal. It has a will of it's own. It is neither evil, nor good. It is called-" I was abruptly cut off.
"KATIE! Get your lazy arse over here and help us unload the boats!" Emily shouted at me from the bank of the river. We'd just reached our goal point, and I had no intentions of helping them unload the boats. I glared at her and didn't reply.
"It is called-" I started again but Emily was still yelling at me.
"You idiot! Get over here NOW, or else I'm demanding your poster and action figure back when we get home! And you're mother will give them to me!" Emily cried, trotting up to get me.
"What poster and action figure?" I asked innocently.
"Your Legolas ones."
"Oh. Well, you'll have a hard time getting those since we'll be staying here a while. Now go away, I'm performing the Ceremony of the Paper Clip," I replied.
"What?"
"It's a Migoem tradition, remember? The Paper Clip is only given to the bravest beings of them all," I said and smiled sweetly. When we were in fifth grade we were told do make our own civilization and make up all the junk that goes along with it. Migoem was the result of our insane plot to make the project turn into a crazed experience. Turning back to the hobbits, I raised the paper clip up again.
"It's is called...The Paper Clip!" I ended with a dramatic voice. Slowly, I lowered the piece of metal and presented it to Frodo.
"Frodo, son of Drogo," I said solemnly. "I give you The Paper Clip as a sign of your bravery. May you keep it with honor." I bowed with a flourish and marched off with Emily, who was ranting on about how stupid and insane I was.
"I can't believe you tried to tell them that load of crud! It's not like they're going to believe it," she said and pulled me over to the boats. I grabbed my stuff and set it down on the ground.
"At least I didn't try to convince them that my nose was an amazing musical instrument or that it's fun to shove beans up other people's noses," I said airily.
"You said the word 'nose' twice in the sentence."
"Who gives a toenail worth if I say a word twice?"
"The Paper Clip Guardian does," Emily replied shrewdly. I slapped the top of her head and she did the same back to me. I returned he attack with a kick in the shin and dodged her next assult. I raced forward and jumped behind Legolas. Emily accidentaly kicked him in the groin (that kick was meant for my rear, I know it...) before she knew she was doing it. She sort of stared at him for a minute. He raised his gaze and stared at her with the evil look. It was pure evil this time. She opened her mouth and let out a scream.
"ARAGORN!!! LEGOLAS IS GONNA KILL ME!!!" she shrieked and ran off to find sanctuary with Aragorn. I stepped out from behind the Elf, who was slowly straightening himself from the "cringing" position he'd been in before.
"That was for tying me up, Elf Boy. Now, what was the lesson we learned today?" I asked sweetly.
"When all else fails, use mortal brats as target practice," he said and mocked reaching for an arrow. My eyes widened.
"I didn't do anything! It's your fault you were in the line of fire!" I cried and jumped away, smirking.
"Did I say I was going to use you?" I thought about this for a moment.
"No...But Emily is my partner in crime. You can't kill her. But you can use Sam if you want. He scares me and soon he'll be after us all and not just Frodo!"
"What are you talking about?"
"Hmmm...Maybe I was talking about the fact that Sam is a guy-loving pervert!"
"That was unnecessary information."
"It's for your own good. When young people like you get to be this age, you must learn the facts about growing up," I said with a sickeningly fake- sympathetic sigh. I started to hum the tune to those sad, pathetically wrong videos they make you watch about puberty in Elementary. I could tell the Elf was confused so I shut up. I felt someone watching me and looked up find Boromir staring at me from across the camp. I shoved my hat (*cough* The one which is no longer Gandalf's), which I'd put on earlier, and gave him my best 'leave-me-alone-you-stupid-fubble-bubble" look. Instead of leaving me alone, he sent me a very rude sign with his finger. Honestly, this guy never learns. I smirked in his direction, absently rummaging through my bag, and pulling out the bag of stale cookies. Very stale. Like five months and over stale. With an innocent glance toward Legolas, I sidled over to Boromir.
"Hey, Boromir. Whatcha doing?" I asked and he merely looked up at me, suspicion written all over his face. "You know, I have these things that taste really good. I don't really wants scared anymore, so I was wondering if you did." I dropped the bag of STALE cookies by him with an expression of what I hoped was pure innocence and went back to my seat next to the Elf. Legolas shot me a wondering look and I shook my head, telling him I'd explain later. I picked up my book and started "reading" while watching the Man-Freak out of the corner of my eye.
He looked over to me, and I swiftly adverted my gaze to the page in the book. When he looked away I began watching him again. He picked up the bag of cookies and pulled one out slowly. Then, carefully, he took a small bite out of the end. Bringing my book up to cover my face (which I was splitting into a wide grin) I listened to him spite of the cookie and crush the rest of it to crumbs.
I spent the rest of the afternoon switching off from annoying the Fellowship in various ways to reading to taking care of Mo while she chased Sam around with his own frying pan, screeching, "GET AWAY FROM MY GUINEA PIG!" Finally, Aragorn called for everyone to go to sleep. I plunked myself down between Legolas and Aragorn, smirking.
"I sleep talk," I said to no one in particular.
"Why does this not come as a surprise?" Legolas replied dryly and laid down. I stared up into the sky, once again wondering why it always seemed so far away when you we on your back looking at it, but not in any other position. Slowly, I found myself drifting off to sleep.
**************
"HOLY GRAPES, THE BANANAS ARE ATTACKING THE CAPITOL!!! SOMEONE CALL OUT THE MARINES!!!!" My screech echoed through the forest. Legolas shot out of his sleep or meditation or whatever Elves do, grabbing his knives which we next to him. Gimli and Aragorn and Boromir were already taking hold of their weapons as well. I sleepily jerked out of my slumber and looked around, oblivious to the fact that I'd woken them all up.
"Wa's 'a matter?" I asked groggily. "Are we are Mount Doom yet, Mommy?" Emily stomped over and roughly hit my head. I rubbed my skull, now fully awake.
"What was that for!?!?" I cried and glared up at them all.
"Being awakened by the sounds of you screaming in my ear is not a pleasant experience," Legolas said dryly. The four hobbits walked over, one or two of them rubbing sleep from their eyes.
"What happened?" Pippin asked.
"Oh nothing. My dear friend, Bartholomew, has just been granted a death wish. LORD IN HEAVEN, Katie you woke me up from the greatest dream!" Emily half yelled in my ear.
"And I can guess who that was about. Maybe even two someones," I muttered and she sent me a warning look. Those two names I was cursed with forever. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, those two names happened to be Aragorn and Spanky. (A/N: Spanky is the code name for an anonymous person who will remain so for now because I value my life and since Emily is my editor, I better zip this mouth of mine, agreed?)
Legolas shot me a look of irritation before sheathing his knives. Aragorn and Boromir did the same with their swords. The Elf walked over and grabbed the top of my ear between two fingers. "Hey, um, can you let go? That really hurts you know..." I muttered. I've had this happened to me before and it's smart just to make sure your ear doesn't get pulled.
"No. Now, I'm going to ask you, do we need to gag you when you sleep too?" he said, only the faintest trace of a smile on his face.
"Nooooo."
"Good," he replied and let go of my ear. I rubbed the spot where he'd been pinching it.
"One of these days I'm going to do that to you! And it'll hurt more, because I'll do it with a pair of tweezers! TWEEZERS I TELL YOU!!!" I yelled at his retreating figure. Aragorn moaned softly and only told me to go pitch myself in the river.
"Katie, dear," Emily said sweetly. "I think it's time we visit the padded room, don't you?"
"Yes, Wally, you sure could use that padded room."
"No, idiot, for you."
"No, idiot, for you."
"Katie, not this earlier."
"Katie, not this earlier."
"LORD IN HEAVEN SAVE ME!!!" she cried, throwing her hands up.
"LORD IN HEAVEN SAVE ME!!!"
"Legolas...can we switch identities? You can put up with her better."
"Legolas...can we switch identities? You can put up with her better."
"No. I think you can cope with pain well enough," Legolas replied.
"You're really evil, Pointy Ears," Emily sulked.
"You're really evil, Pointy Ears."
"Katie, you just dissed your role model."
"What else is new?"
"I'm a role model? What in the Valar's name is a role model?" Legolas asked, clearly confused.
"HA! You're not copying me anymore!" Emily said triumphantly, ignoring the poor Elf completely.
"I know."
"You do?"
"No, but I like to let you mortals believe that."
"You're messed up."
"So are you."
"I'm hanging up now."
"Emily...you're not on the phone."
"I knew that."
"No you didn't." And so ended the Conversation of the Idiots. It went down in Middle Earth history as the most abnormal conversation ever to be held in their world. Ha, I wish. Though you never can tell what the oddballs in our Company have told to the innocent lives in Middle Earth...
Sooner of later I knew that Aragorn would call us all together to decide where our journey would take us. In fact, that later time was in 2 hours. We gathered around the small fire Gimli managed to conjure earlier.
"We now come to a difficult decision. Should our Company go with Boromir, to Minas Tirith, or to Mordor, where we finish this quest?" There were several murmurs throughout the group but no one spoke otherwise. "If Gandalf had any plans for this moment, he never spoke of them to me. Once again, though, the decision seems to fall on the Ringbearer, for he is really the one with the right to say."
"I don't care as long as there's no Neo-Nazis waiting to slit our throats and spill our internal organs out in the streets," I said nonchalantly.
"Katie, you have issues. Quit interrupting," Emily muttered. All heads then turned to Frodo, who was staring at the ground, silent for a few minutes.
"Give me one hour to think on this. Tis a difficult problem you have given me, and I shall need time to come to a conclusion," he said finally. Aragorn nodded and Frodo slowly walked off, Kirby at his heels. I eventually stood up and stretched.
"Soooooo....what do we do now?" I asked in a too cheerful voice.
"Hang you by your ankles in a tree," Emily suggested. "C'mon Legolas, grab the rope and I'll get the victim."
"That's an appealing idea," the Elf replied dryly. As they said these words I sprang up and started to run.
"YOU FOOLS WILL NEVER CATCH ME! THE GREAT QUEEN BARTHOLOMEW REIGNS OVER THE WORLD!! BWHAHAHA!" I yelled and started to scramble up a tree. Emily followed and grabbed my foot.
"There's no escaping. It's your own fault you woke us up and put everyone in a foul mood," she scolded and pulled me down. I fell backward and landed with a thump on the ground. Quickly, I tried to run away, and ran smack into Legolas who was coming back with the length of rope.
"You guys aren't serious...I mean, the blood could rush to my head and I could die..." I said gingerly.
"We won't keep you up but ten minutes," he assured me with that evil grin. So much for solving the problem last time. I was doomed to die young, I swear. It looked like I would be plotting the murders of a certain Elf and Idiot soon...
WELL, kids, Katie was a good girl and finished the chapter. I know this chapter is completely pointless and you probably are thinking, "Why in God's name did she put this if it's main purpose was to amuse her?" Well, you answered your own question with the question. It was to amuse me. I just woke up about an hour ago so have pity on my insaneness. Here's a note to you other author: if you eat LOTS of sugar and get sugar high when you write your random humor stories, they turn out better in my opinion. In my case, it was a rice krispie and about ten mint patties. Those mints are flippin' good.
From the reviews I got from the last chappie, I'm beginning to think that I'm actually loved...*sniffs* I'm so happy! You people who review make my day...Now, after you read this, why don't you direct your mouse down to the review button and tell Katie if you thought this chapter was stupidly pointless or not. *grin* I'm glad you guys like the last one.
Surfer-Gurl: *sighs* I suppose I'll learn to cope with the people who respect Boromir. I personally, have never liked him and think of him as a full-of-it freak. That's just my opinion, but it gets to me that he tries to take Fro Fro's ring!! *cries momentarily*
Dragonlet: Oh lord save me if that happens. No, this will NOT be an Emily/Aragorn thing. That would be too scary. REALLY scary. But with you thinking Lego is yours...BACK UP OFF CHIGGA WIGGA!! (sry, my friend says that a lot) *looks at backpack which Lego is in. Stashes backpack in safe with an iron lined interior, with a built in ejection spot in case anyone tries to steal Legolas.* MINE! MY PRECIOUS! *evil laughter is heard*
The small, innocent piece of metal glinted in the sunlight. It was such a useful thing, yet none of the oafs knew what it was. I had forgotten that the paper clip wasn't invented yet. But now, that was all in the past. I was the supreme ruler of their attention now. I was standing in the middle of the four hobbits, holding the paper clip high about my head.
"This is a sacred object of my people," I said in a mysterious whisper. "It contains power beyond any mortal or immortal. It has a will of it's own. It is neither evil, nor good. It is called-" I was abruptly cut off.
"KATIE! Get your lazy arse over here and help us unload the boats!" Emily shouted at me from the bank of the river. We'd just reached our goal point, and I had no intentions of helping them unload the boats. I glared at her and didn't reply.
"It is called-" I started again but Emily was still yelling at me.
"You idiot! Get over here NOW, or else I'm demanding your poster and action figure back when we get home! And you're mother will give them to me!" Emily cried, trotting up to get me.
"What poster and action figure?" I asked innocently.
"Your Legolas ones."
"Oh. Well, you'll have a hard time getting those since we'll be staying here a while. Now go away, I'm performing the Ceremony of the Paper Clip," I replied.
"What?"
"It's a Migoem tradition, remember? The Paper Clip is only given to the bravest beings of them all," I said and smiled sweetly. When we were in fifth grade we were told do make our own civilization and make up all the junk that goes along with it. Migoem was the result of our insane plot to make the project turn into a crazed experience. Turning back to the hobbits, I raised the paper clip up again.
"It's is called...The Paper Clip!" I ended with a dramatic voice. Slowly, I lowered the piece of metal and presented it to Frodo.
"Frodo, son of Drogo," I said solemnly. "I give you The Paper Clip as a sign of your bravery. May you keep it with honor." I bowed with a flourish and marched off with Emily, who was ranting on about how stupid and insane I was.
"I can't believe you tried to tell them that load of crud! It's not like they're going to believe it," she said and pulled me over to the boats. I grabbed my stuff and set it down on the ground.
"At least I didn't try to convince them that my nose was an amazing musical instrument or that it's fun to shove beans up other people's noses," I said airily.
"You said the word 'nose' twice in the sentence."
"Who gives a toenail worth if I say a word twice?"
"The Paper Clip Guardian does," Emily replied shrewdly. I slapped the top of her head and she did the same back to me. I returned he attack with a kick in the shin and dodged her next assult. I raced forward and jumped behind Legolas. Emily accidentaly kicked him in the groin (that kick was meant for my rear, I know it...) before she knew she was doing it. She sort of stared at him for a minute. He raised his gaze and stared at her with the evil look. It was pure evil this time. She opened her mouth and let out a scream.
"ARAGORN!!! LEGOLAS IS GONNA KILL ME!!!" she shrieked and ran off to find sanctuary with Aragorn. I stepped out from behind the Elf, who was slowly straightening himself from the "cringing" position he'd been in before.
"That was for tying me up, Elf Boy. Now, what was the lesson we learned today?" I asked sweetly.
"When all else fails, use mortal brats as target practice," he said and mocked reaching for an arrow. My eyes widened.
"I didn't do anything! It's your fault you were in the line of fire!" I cried and jumped away, smirking.
"Did I say I was going to use you?" I thought about this for a moment.
"No...But Emily is my partner in crime. You can't kill her. But you can use Sam if you want. He scares me and soon he'll be after us all and not just Frodo!"
"What are you talking about?"
"Hmmm...Maybe I was talking about the fact that Sam is a guy-loving pervert!"
"That was unnecessary information."
"It's for your own good. When young people like you get to be this age, you must learn the facts about growing up," I said with a sickeningly fake- sympathetic sigh. I started to hum the tune to those sad, pathetically wrong videos they make you watch about puberty in Elementary. I could tell the Elf was confused so I shut up. I felt someone watching me and looked up find Boromir staring at me from across the camp. I shoved my hat (*cough* The one which is no longer Gandalf's), which I'd put on earlier, and gave him my best 'leave-me-alone-you-stupid-fubble-bubble" look. Instead of leaving me alone, he sent me a very rude sign with his finger. Honestly, this guy never learns. I smirked in his direction, absently rummaging through my bag, and pulling out the bag of stale cookies. Very stale. Like five months and over stale. With an innocent glance toward Legolas, I sidled over to Boromir.
"Hey, Boromir. Whatcha doing?" I asked and he merely looked up at me, suspicion written all over his face. "You know, I have these things that taste really good. I don't really wants scared anymore, so I was wondering if you did." I dropped the bag of STALE cookies by him with an expression of what I hoped was pure innocence and went back to my seat next to the Elf. Legolas shot me a wondering look and I shook my head, telling him I'd explain later. I picked up my book and started "reading" while watching the Man-Freak out of the corner of my eye.
He looked over to me, and I swiftly adverted my gaze to the page in the book. When he looked away I began watching him again. He picked up the bag of cookies and pulled one out slowly. Then, carefully, he took a small bite out of the end. Bringing my book up to cover my face (which I was splitting into a wide grin) I listened to him spite of the cookie and crush the rest of it to crumbs.
I spent the rest of the afternoon switching off from annoying the Fellowship in various ways to reading to taking care of Mo while she chased Sam around with his own frying pan, screeching, "GET AWAY FROM MY GUINEA PIG!" Finally, Aragorn called for everyone to go to sleep. I plunked myself down between Legolas and Aragorn, smirking.
"I sleep talk," I said to no one in particular.
"Why does this not come as a surprise?" Legolas replied dryly and laid down. I stared up into the sky, once again wondering why it always seemed so far away when you we on your back looking at it, but not in any other position. Slowly, I found myself drifting off to sleep.
**************
"HOLY GRAPES, THE BANANAS ARE ATTACKING THE CAPITOL!!! SOMEONE CALL OUT THE MARINES!!!!" My screech echoed through the forest. Legolas shot out of his sleep or meditation or whatever Elves do, grabbing his knives which we next to him. Gimli and Aragorn and Boromir were already taking hold of their weapons as well. I sleepily jerked out of my slumber and looked around, oblivious to the fact that I'd woken them all up.
"Wa's 'a matter?" I asked groggily. "Are we are Mount Doom yet, Mommy?" Emily stomped over and roughly hit my head. I rubbed my skull, now fully awake.
"What was that for!?!?" I cried and glared up at them all.
"Being awakened by the sounds of you screaming in my ear is not a pleasant experience," Legolas said dryly. The four hobbits walked over, one or two of them rubbing sleep from their eyes.
"What happened?" Pippin asked.
"Oh nothing. My dear friend, Bartholomew, has just been granted a death wish. LORD IN HEAVEN, Katie you woke me up from the greatest dream!" Emily half yelled in my ear.
"And I can guess who that was about. Maybe even two someones," I muttered and she sent me a warning look. Those two names I was cursed with forever. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, those two names happened to be Aragorn and Spanky. (A/N: Spanky is the code name for an anonymous person who will remain so for now because I value my life and since Emily is my editor, I better zip this mouth of mine, agreed?)
Legolas shot me a look of irritation before sheathing his knives. Aragorn and Boromir did the same with their swords. The Elf walked over and grabbed the top of my ear between two fingers. "Hey, um, can you let go? That really hurts you know..." I muttered. I've had this happened to me before and it's smart just to make sure your ear doesn't get pulled.
"No. Now, I'm going to ask you, do we need to gag you when you sleep too?" he said, only the faintest trace of a smile on his face.
"Nooooo."
"Good," he replied and let go of my ear. I rubbed the spot where he'd been pinching it.
"One of these days I'm going to do that to you! And it'll hurt more, because I'll do it with a pair of tweezers! TWEEZERS I TELL YOU!!!" I yelled at his retreating figure. Aragorn moaned softly and only told me to go pitch myself in the river.
"Katie, dear," Emily said sweetly. "I think it's time we visit the padded room, don't you?"
"Yes, Wally, you sure could use that padded room."
"No, idiot, for you."
"No, idiot, for you."
"Katie, not this earlier."
"Katie, not this earlier."
"LORD IN HEAVEN SAVE ME!!!" she cried, throwing her hands up.
"LORD IN HEAVEN SAVE ME!!!"
"Legolas...can we switch identities? You can put up with her better."
"Legolas...can we switch identities? You can put up with her better."
"No. I think you can cope with pain well enough," Legolas replied.
"You're really evil, Pointy Ears," Emily sulked.
"You're really evil, Pointy Ears."
"Katie, you just dissed your role model."
"What else is new?"
"I'm a role model? What in the Valar's name is a role model?" Legolas asked, clearly confused.
"HA! You're not copying me anymore!" Emily said triumphantly, ignoring the poor Elf completely.
"I know."
"You do?"
"No, but I like to let you mortals believe that."
"You're messed up."
"So are you."
"I'm hanging up now."
"Emily...you're not on the phone."
"I knew that."
"No you didn't." And so ended the Conversation of the Idiots. It went down in Middle Earth history as the most abnormal conversation ever to be held in their world. Ha, I wish. Though you never can tell what the oddballs in our Company have told to the innocent lives in Middle Earth...
Sooner of later I knew that Aragorn would call us all together to decide where our journey would take us. In fact, that later time was in 2 hours. We gathered around the small fire Gimli managed to conjure earlier.
"We now come to a difficult decision. Should our Company go with Boromir, to Minas Tirith, or to Mordor, where we finish this quest?" There were several murmurs throughout the group but no one spoke otherwise. "If Gandalf had any plans for this moment, he never spoke of them to me. Once again, though, the decision seems to fall on the Ringbearer, for he is really the one with the right to say."
"I don't care as long as there's no Neo-Nazis waiting to slit our throats and spill our internal organs out in the streets," I said nonchalantly.
"Katie, you have issues. Quit interrupting," Emily muttered. All heads then turned to Frodo, who was staring at the ground, silent for a few minutes.
"Give me one hour to think on this. Tis a difficult problem you have given me, and I shall need time to come to a conclusion," he said finally. Aragorn nodded and Frodo slowly walked off, Kirby at his heels. I eventually stood up and stretched.
"Soooooo....what do we do now?" I asked in a too cheerful voice.
"Hang you by your ankles in a tree," Emily suggested. "C'mon Legolas, grab the rope and I'll get the victim."
"That's an appealing idea," the Elf replied dryly. As they said these words I sprang up and started to run.
"YOU FOOLS WILL NEVER CATCH ME! THE GREAT QUEEN BARTHOLOMEW REIGNS OVER THE WORLD!! BWHAHAHA!" I yelled and started to scramble up a tree. Emily followed and grabbed my foot.
"There's no escaping. It's your own fault you woke us up and put everyone in a foul mood," she scolded and pulled me down. I fell backward and landed with a thump on the ground. Quickly, I tried to run away, and ran smack into Legolas who was coming back with the length of rope.
"You guys aren't serious...I mean, the blood could rush to my head and I could die..." I said gingerly.
"We won't keep you up but ten minutes," he assured me with that evil grin. So much for solving the problem last time. I was doomed to die young, I swear. It looked like I would be plotting the murders of a certain Elf and Idiot soon...
WELL, kids, Katie was a good girl and finished the chapter. I know this chapter is completely pointless and you probably are thinking, "Why in God's name did she put this if it's main purpose was to amuse her?" Well, you answered your own question with the question. It was to amuse me. I just woke up about an hour ago so have pity on my insaneness. Here's a note to you other author: if you eat LOTS of sugar and get sugar high when you write your random humor stories, they turn out better in my opinion. In my case, it was a rice krispie and about ten mint patties. Those mints are flippin' good.
From the reviews I got from the last chappie, I'm beginning to think that I'm actually loved...*sniffs* I'm so happy! You people who review make my day...Now, after you read this, why don't you direct your mouse down to the review button and tell Katie if you thought this chapter was stupidly pointless or not. *grin* I'm glad you guys like the last one.
Surfer-Gurl: *sighs* I suppose I'll learn to cope with the people who respect Boromir. I personally, have never liked him and think of him as a full-of-it freak. That's just my opinion, but it gets to me that he tries to take Fro Fro's ring!! *cries momentarily*
Dragonlet: Oh lord save me if that happens. No, this will NOT be an Emily/Aragorn thing. That would be too scary. REALLY scary. But with you thinking Lego is yours...BACK UP OFF CHIGGA WIGGA!! (sry, my friend says that a lot) *looks at backpack which Lego is in. Stashes backpack in safe with an iron lined interior, with a built in ejection spot in case anyone tries to steal Legolas.* MINE! MY PRECIOUS! *evil laughter is heard*