Disclaimer: I'm making no money off of this. This is not, I repeat, is not the real Order of the Phoenix. It is just a thread I'm spinning. Enjoy!
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Chapter 1: The Mission
It was on a crisp May morn that Harry was summoned to Dumbledore's office. He sat down in a chair and was just making himself comfortable when Dumbledore walked quickly into his office and began to pace in front of Harry.
"Well, Harry, let's review, shall we? We have tried to defeat Voldemort by torching him, mocking him, humiliating him in front of his friends, yet none of these methods have been successful." Harry nodded, glumly.
"It turns out, however, that the reason we cannot kill him is because he has used a very powerful spell to insure his immortality. According to my sources, Voldemort has quite the affinity for canoeing; in all its shapes and forms, he cannot resist it. Besides that, he is also very good at canoeing and has led the Albanian Canoe team to win the World Cup for two years running. Apparently, Voldemort used the very potent Omnibotus spell to bring him immortality."
"The omnibotus spell," interrupted Harry, "I've never heard of that…"
"Of course not. Those who use it are few and far between because of what it entails. The user will remain immortal as long as no one beats him in a canoe race. If he is beaten, he will die instantly."
Harry stared at Professor Dumbledore in horror. "You don't mean…"
"Yes, Harry, tomorrow you will begin your training in the fine art of canoeing."
Harry continued staring at Dumbledore and gulped.
"Your first task, Harry, will be to pick a name for your boat, your team and the people on your team. These steps are very important. Yes, some would say they are almost as important as the training itself. But you must do it soon, Harry, for the fate of all humanity rest on your shoulders."
Harry sat in the Great Hall, stabbing kippers with his fork and mumbling under his breath as Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Fred, and George stared at him.
"Stupid canoeing…why couldn't he have been a Quidditch fanatic? I can play that…but no…he has to like the one sport that sends shivers up my spine."
"Oh for god sakes, Harry," exclaimed Hermione. "You've been muttering all night! And if you stab those kippers one more time, I'm going to shove my fork into your larynx."
Everyone stopped staring at Harry and began to stare at Hermione; Ron edged his chair away from her uneasily. Hermione glared at him and turned to address Harry again. "Really, Harry, what is the matter with you?"
"Voldemort, the only person alive that could possibly like -no, enjoy- canoeing," Harry spit out bitterly.
"Huh?" Hermione and the Weasleys stared at him again; wondering if the pressure of being "the boy who lived" had finally made him snap.
"I'm not crazy, either, so stop staring at me like I am! It's just that Dumbledore told me that the only way to kill Voldemort is to defeat him in a canoe race. It has to do with some spell he did to make himself immortal. It's called "Omniscient boat" or something like that."
At that moment, both George and Fred burst out laughing as though they had never laughed before. "Canoeing," gasped Fred. "You-Know-Who is a canoeist!" The doubled over in laughter.
"Oh, yes," Hermione said, excitedly. "The omnibotus spell, I've heard of that! It's very complex…no wonder he picked it." Hermione's interest peaked while Ron muttered under his breath, "surprise, surprise, not a spell around she hasn't heard of."
"Oh, get over it, Ron," interjected George, who was still smiling. He turned to Harry and asked, "So, what is it you have to do to beat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named at canoeing?" He winked at Fred and they both started laughing again.
"Shut up," said Ginny. "This is serious. Well, what do you have to do, Harry?" Harry told them all the details of his task.
"O.K.," said Ron. "So you've got to get yourself a team. I say you've got a pretty good team right here: Hermione, Ginny, Fred, George, you, and me. How many people do you need to beat You-Know-Who?"
"I dunno…but I suppose six is a good number. Though I wouldn't mind having the British Rowing Club, the American Olympic Swim team and a military squad helping, too."
Ginny stared at him with her mouth hanging open. "Boy, you're no overestimating you chances there are you?" She said in a surprised yet amazingly sarcastic voice.
"I hope not," he replied without a trace of humor. Fred shook his head, still chuckling as the rest of them finished their supper in silence.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Chapter 1: The Mission
It was on a crisp May morn that Harry was summoned to Dumbledore's office. He sat down in a chair and was just making himself comfortable when Dumbledore walked quickly into his office and began to pace in front of Harry.
"Well, Harry, let's review, shall we? We have tried to defeat Voldemort by torching him, mocking him, humiliating him in front of his friends, yet none of these methods have been successful." Harry nodded, glumly.
"It turns out, however, that the reason we cannot kill him is because he has used a very powerful spell to insure his immortality. According to my sources, Voldemort has quite the affinity for canoeing; in all its shapes and forms, he cannot resist it. Besides that, he is also very good at canoeing and has led the Albanian Canoe team to win the World Cup for two years running. Apparently, Voldemort used the very potent Omnibotus spell to bring him immortality."
"The omnibotus spell," interrupted Harry, "I've never heard of that…"
"Of course not. Those who use it are few and far between because of what it entails. The user will remain immortal as long as no one beats him in a canoe race. If he is beaten, he will die instantly."
Harry stared at Professor Dumbledore in horror. "You don't mean…"
"Yes, Harry, tomorrow you will begin your training in the fine art of canoeing."
Harry continued staring at Dumbledore and gulped.
"Your first task, Harry, will be to pick a name for your boat, your team and the people on your team. These steps are very important. Yes, some would say they are almost as important as the training itself. But you must do it soon, Harry, for the fate of all humanity rest on your shoulders."
Harry sat in the Great Hall, stabbing kippers with his fork and mumbling under his breath as Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Fred, and George stared at him.
"Stupid canoeing…why couldn't he have been a Quidditch fanatic? I can play that…but no…he has to like the one sport that sends shivers up my spine."
"Oh for god sakes, Harry," exclaimed Hermione. "You've been muttering all night! And if you stab those kippers one more time, I'm going to shove my fork into your larynx."
Everyone stopped staring at Harry and began to stare at Hermione; Ron edged his chair away from her uneasily. Hermione glared at him and turned to address Harry again. "Really, Harry, what is the matter with you?"
"Voldemort, the only person alive that could possibly like -no, enjoy- canoeing," Harry spit out bitterly.
"Huh?" Hermione and the Weasleys stared at him again; wondering if the pressure of being "the boy who lived" had finally made him snap.
"I'm not crazy, either, so stop staring at me like I am! It's just that Dumbledore told me that the only way to kill Voldemort is to defeat him in a canoe race. It has to do with some spell he did to make himself immortal. It's called "Omniscient boat" or something like that."
At that moment, both George and Fred burst out laughing as though they had never laughed before. "Canoeing," gasped Fred. "You-Know-Who is a canoeist!" The doubled over in laughter.
"Oh, yes," Hermione said, excitedly. "The omnibotus spell, I've heard of that! It's very complex…no wonder he picked it." Hermione's interest peaked while Ron muttered under his breath, "surprise, surprise, not a spell around she hasn't heard of."
"Oh, get over it, Ron," interjected George, who was still smiling. He turned to Harry and asked, "So, what is it you have to do to beat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named at canoeing?" He winked at Fred and they both started laughing again.
"Shut up," said Ginny. "This is serious. Well, what do you have to do, Harry?" Harry told them all the details of his task.
"O.K.," said Ron. "So you've got to get yourself a team. I say you've got a pretty good team right here: Hermione, Ginny, Fred, George, you, and me. How many people do you need to beat You-Know-Who?"
"I dunno…but I suppose six is a good number. Though I wouldn't mind having the British Rowing Club, the American Olympic Swim team and a military squad helping, too."
Ginny stared at him with her mouth hanging open. "Boy, you're no overestimating you chances there are you?" She said in a surprised yet amazingly sarcastic voice.
"I hope not," he replied without a trace of humor. Fred shook his head, still chuckling as the rest of them finished their supper in silence.