Chapter 3: A Rowing Machine Named Marvin
Harry woke up late the next morning, rubbing his eyes and wondering if it had all been a dream. Then he noticed everything that had been on top of his nightstand was now on the floor. He sighed and picked everything up before dressing and heading downstairs to the Great Hall.
Ron, Hermione and Ginny were already seated at Gryffindor Table when Harry arrived; Fred and George were at the opposite end of the table, cruelly testing their new Monster Tarts on first-years. The Monster Tarts were just one of the Weasley Wizard Wheezes that had been invented, and subsequently tested, at Hogwarts since the beginning of the year. The money Harry had given them from the Triwizard Tournament had certainly done wonders to their production capabilities.
Harry sat down next to Ron and took a healthy serving of porridge, toast, and marmalade for breakfast. Ron was sitting there, staring at a fortune cookie and trying to predict his future by studying its various contours. This was merely the latest of bizarre units Professor Trelawney was teaching them and all Divination Students were certain the fumes in her room were starting to affect her for the worst.
Professor Trelawney had presented them the fortune cookies the previous Monday, informing them that they would now be studying methods of telling the future used in different cultures. However, Harry felt pretty certain that these fortune cookies were not foreign; the bag she stored them in was clearly labeled "Hogsmeade Chinese Restaurant, Liu Ping proprietor. Seamus had snorted and said, "Hmph. I bet she just likes Chinese food and with that new take-out restaurant in Hogsmeade…" Harry and Ron laughed…or at least Harry thought Ron laughed. It was hard to tell when he was wearing a gas mask. Ron could very well have been choking on poisonous fumes instead.
That outburst had landed them with the additional assignment of predicting their fortunes for the next lunar month ("Chinese wizards use the lunar calendar, not the solar, students," Prof. Trelawney had told them.) and Ron was struggling to finish his before Divination started.
"Let's see…it's bent at a 56 degree angle, I wonder if that means anything." Ron glanced at his textbook. "'Stressful period'," he read." 'Wear sunscreen'. What is that suppose to mean?"
Hermione shook her head at Ron, obviously not approving of his last minute homework session. "Honestly, Ron. If you're going to take Divination, you could at least try to finish the assignments before breakfast on the day they're due. You never see me with that problem in Arithmacy."
"Yeah, well, you try taking Divination and see how well you do."
"I did, remember?"
"Oh, yeah." Ron sighed and got back to work.
Hermione smiled and reached over and pulled the small piece of paper from the inside of the cookie.
"Hey!" exclaimed Ron, trying to snatch it back. Hermione just laughed and said, "Here, Ron, this fortune makes a lot more sense: 'You will be devoured by a large, hairy monster'. And we have Care of Magical Creatures this afternoon."
Ron glared at her and tried again to grab it but she passed it to Ginny. Ginny turned it over and said, "Wait! That's not all! On the back, it says: 'Learn Chinese: Ni hao ma? How are you?' That could be useful, if the monster speaks Chinese, that is."
Ron glowered at them both and snatched the 'Muggle' fortune back. "It's not funny. I can't just use the fortune inside of it; she'll know because 'it's only meant for entertainment and has no bearing on the real future," Ron said in an amazing interpretation of Prof. Trelawney's voice.
Ron sighed, went back to work, and, after only a few seconds began to write, "Will be eaten by a Chinese-speaking monster during care of magical creatures". Hermione rolled her eyes.
At that moment, a great flapping noise filled the Great Hall as hundreds of owls flew in carrying parcels to all the students. One parcel caught the attention of everyone in the hall. It was big, bulky, and carried by roughly 10 barn owls. Harry cringed as it was dumped on their table and the owls flew away.
"No! I wasn't finished with that cookie yet!" cried out Ron, trying to salvage the broken pieces of his fortune cookie, but there was no hope of getting any more of a fortune out of it than what was already written.
Hermione stared at the package and said to Harry, "Well, aren't you going to open it? It's postmarked to you."
Harry nodded slowly in response and began to peel off the brown paper. It was a rowing machine. Puzzled, Harry picked up the accompanying letter and read it.
Dear Harry,
I heard about your up coming mission from Dumbledore and figured this might help. Don't worry about the cost; I got it for a special price due to its…unique personality.
Sirius.
"Well, who sent it?" asked Ginny.
"It's, er, from my godfather. A rowing machine to help us prepare for our mission."
"Oh, grand. A rowing machine. Wow." Ron's voice dripped with sarcasm. "Doesn't really help. It's a boat we need, not a machine."
"Well, actually I think I have a --," started Harry, only to be interrupted by Professor McGonagall.
"Potter! What is this contraption and what is it doing on the Gryffindor table?"
"Er, it's a rowing machine, Professor."
"A rowing machine, Potter?" She stared at him incredulously.
"Um, yes. To help me build muscles for -er- the up coming Quidditch match with Ravenclaw." He still couldn't bring himself to admit he had to learn canoeing.
Professor McGonagall closed her eyes and sighed. She seemed to have given up trying to make sense out of anything anymore. "Very well, Potter. Get it into your Dormitory before your first class; I don't want to see it. Weasley," Ron looked up from the sad remains of his homework. "Help him carry it up there." She turned and walked off as Harry and Ron scooped up their school things, picked up the rowing machine, and heaved it out of the Great Hall, leaving behind a mass of staring students and Malfoy's petulant laughter.
They lugged the rowing machine up the stairs to the Gryffindor Common Room, carefully avoiding all of the trick steps. Ron and Harry set it down next to the wall and stared at it.
"I wonder how it works…" Ron said reaching out and taking the blue and white instruction manual. "Galaxian Genuine People Personality Products, Inc. Um, okay."
"Let's see what the instruction manual says, I mean on the inside." Harry took the dog-eared booklet from Ron and opened it to the first page.
"'The Galaxian Company has been creating quality products to ease the lives of wizards and witches around the world since 1548. And now the latest addition to our collection: The Row-a-matic rowing machine, 1000. The Row-a-matic comes with a genuine people personality like all of our products and promises to increase your ability to row under all sorts of conditions. To receive a catalogue of other Genuine People Personality Products available, please send your owl to 59 Peregrene Road, Plymouth, England." Harry paused before continuing. "Your products name is Marvin."
"Marvin? You've got a rowing machine named Marvin?"
Harry grimaced. "Apparently. 'Galaxian Genuine People Personality Products, Inc. It's a wizarding company, Ron. Haven't you heard of it?"
"Nah, must be one of those obscure ones."
"But it's located in Plymouth and other locations around the world."
Ron shrugged and they stood there, looking at the machine. Harry felt a sudden feeling of premonition as he looked at Marvin, who was blissfully unaware of his surroundings. Then the bell rang, informing them that they were late for Divination.
Divination went, well, badly. Prof. Trelawney was not impressed with their excuse for being late ("The rowing machine made us late…Prof. McGonagall made us take it up to Gryffindor.") or with Ron's fortune cookie prediction. Even Harry's wasn't up to snuff. Although he was dying four different ways in the next Lunar month, she still had a bone to pick with him. "Harry, " said Prof. Trelawney, "your cookie's color clearly states that you won't die from crowning but from hanging…or was it Chinese water torture, ah never mind." Harry rolled his eyes at Ron who was being forced to explain the unlikeness of any monster ever speaking Chinese in a foot long essay.
Potions was hardly any better. Snape seemed to have gotten worse over the course of the year and took strange joy in watching the fifth years struggle to create complicated invisibility potions. After Neville accidentally turned his Cauldron and table invisible for the fourth time, Snape assigned all of the students a four foot long essay with the title of "Analyze and Evaluate the Different Invisibility Potions and Their Antidotes."
By lunch, Ron and Harry were definitely feeling the O.W.L preparation stress and wanted to collapse right then and there. Hermione, on the other hand, was still looking slightly chipper.
"Boy, guess what we did in Arithmacy today!"
"Let's not and say we did," mumbled Ron. Harry silently agreed with him.
"What, Divination go badly?" Hermione asked with a smile.
"Yeah," said Harry, "You could say that. That stupid rowing machine made us late for Divination."
"And Professor Trelawney didn't predict that? How surprising." Hermione's sarcasm breathed new life into Ron and he laughed.
"Yeah, but about that machine. Apparently it's some sort of what was that corporation's name, Harry?"
"Genuine People Personality Products, Inc."
"Wonder what that is…guess I'll just have to ask Mum 'cause I don't have a clue."
"Tsk! Honestly, don't you guys ever read anything?" Hermione said in an annoyed tone of voice.
"Well, fine then, Miss know-it-all. What is that company?"
"It's an old wizarding company that went out of business about 50 years ago. It produced all sorts of things to help wizarding families around the house, in the field, etc. All of them had, well, genuine people personalities. It turns out that that was what caused it to go out of business. Nobody wanted their household appliances to have genuine personalities. You know, it gets kind of annoying when your mop refuses to mop the floor because it's tired or it doesn't think the floor is dirty enough or it is too busy flirting with the family brooms." Harry nodded. That made sense… "So, in the last 100 years, and in a last ditch effort to survive, the Company turned to sporting equipment. Their reasoning was that people would love having a broom that urged them on in Quidditch and complimented them when they did well. Around that time, canoeing and all sorts of boating was becoming increasingly popular and I guess that's probably when your rowing machine came out, Harry." Hermione took a spoonful of peas as Ron stared at her with a look that seemed to alternate between frank admiration and deep-felt disgust.
"Just out of curiosity, Hermione, but is there a book in that library that you haven't read?"
"Yes, most of the restricted ones. Madame Pince won't let me," Hermione replied with a smile. She turned to Harry and asked, "So, what is the name of your wonderful rowing machine, Harry?"
"Marvin. His name is…Marvin."
"Marvin?"
"Yes. Marvin."
Hermione Quickly shoved a spoonful of peas into her mouth so she wouldn't laugh. She swallowed and having regained her composure, said: "Well that's an interesting name, Harry, though not one I would ever give to anyone."
Ron laughed and Harry rolled his eyes in annoyance.
Marvin…indeed.
Harry woke up late the next morning, rubbing his eyes and wondering if it had all been a dream. Then he noticed everything that had been on top of his nightstand was now on the floor. He sighed and picked everything up before dressing and heading downstairs to the Great Hall.
Ron, Hermione and Ginny were already seated at Gryffindor Table when Harry arrived; Fred and George were at the opposite end of the table, cruelly testing their new Monster Tarts on first-years. The Monster Tarts were just one of the Weasley Wizard Wheezes that had been invented, and subsequently tested, at Hogwarts since the beginning of the year. The money Harry had given them from the Triwizard Tournament had certainly done wonders to their production capabilities.
Harry sat down next to Ron and took a healthy serving of porridge, toast, and marmalade for breakfast. Ron was sitting there, staring at a fortune cookie and trying to predict his future by studying its various contours. This was merely the latest of bizarre units Professor Trelawney was teaching them and all Divination Students were certain the fumes in her room were starting to affect her for the worst.
Professor Trelawney had presented them the fortune cookies the previous Monday, informing them that they would now be studying methods of telling the future used in different cultures. However, Harry felt pretty certain that these fortune cookies were not foreign; the bag she stored them in was clearly labeled "Hogsmeade Chinese Restaurant, Liu Ping proprietor. Seamus had snorted and said, "Hmph. I bet she just likes Chinese food and with that new take-out restaurant in Hogsmeade…" Harry and Ron laughed…or at least Harry thought Ron laughed. It was hard to tell when he was wearing a gas mask. Ron could very well have been choking on poisonous fumes instead.
That outburst had landed them with the additional assignment of predicting their fortunes for the next lunar month ("Chinese wizards use the lunar calendar, not the solar, students," Prof. Trelawney had told them.) and Ron was struggling to finish his before Divination started.
"Let's see…it's bent at a 56 degree angle, I wonder if that means anything." Ron glanced at his textbook. "'Stressful period'," he read." 'Wear sunscreen'. What is that suppose to mean?"
Hermione shook her head at Ron, obviously not approving of his last minute homework session. "Honestly, Ron. If you're going to take Divination, you could at least try to finish the assignments before breakfast on the day they're due. You never see me with that problem in Arithmacy."
"Yeah, well, you try taking Divination and see how well you do."
"I did, remember?"
"Oh, yeah." Ron sighed and got back to work.
Hermione smiled and reached over and pulled the small piece of paper from the inside of the cookie.
"Hey!" exclaimed Ron, trying to snatch it back. Hermione just laughed and said, "Here, Ron, this fortune makes a lot more sense: 'You will be devoured by a large, hairy monster'. And we have Care of Magical Creatures this afternoon."
Ron glared at her and tried again to grab it but she passed it to Ginny. Ginny turned it over and said, "Wait! That's not all! On the back, it says: 'Learn Chinese: Ni hao ma? How are you?' That could be useful, if the monster speaks Chinese, that is."
Ron glowered at them both and snatched the 'Muggle' fortune back. "It's not funny. I can't just use the fortune inside of it; she'll know because 'it's only meant for entertainment and has no bearing on the real future," Ron said in an amazing interpretation of Prof. Trelawney's voice.
Ron sighed, went back to work, and, after only a few seconds began to write, "Will be eaten by a Chinese-speaking monster during care of magical creatures". Hermione rolled her eyes.
At that moment, a great flapping noise filled the Great Hall as hundreds of owls flew in carrying parcels to all the students. One parcel caught the attention of everyone in the hall. It was big, bulky, and carried by roughly 10 barn owls. Harry cringed as it was dumped on their table and the owls flew away.
"No! I wasn't finished with that cookie yet!" cried out Ron, trying to salvage the broken pieces of his fortune cookie, but there was no hope of getting any more of a fortune out of it than what was already written.
Hermione stared at the package and said to Harry, "Well, aren't you going to open it? It's postmarked to you."
Harry nodded slowly in response and began to peel off the brown paper. It was a rowing machine. Puzzled, Harry picked up the accompanying letter and read it.
Dear Harry,
I heard about your up coming mission from Dumbledore and figured this might help. Don't worry about the cost; I got it for a special price due to its…unique personality.
Sirius.
"Well, who sent it?" asked Ginny.
"It's, er, from my godfather. A rowing machine to help us prepare for our mission."
"Oh, grand. A rowing machine. Wow." Ron's voice dripped with sarcasm. "Doesn't really help. It's a boat we need, not a machine."
"Well, actually I think I have a --," started Harry, only to be interrupted by Professor McGonagall.
"Potter! What is this contraption and what is it doing on the Gryffindor table?"
"Er, it's a rowing machine, Professor."
"A rowing machine, Potter?" She stared at him incredulously.
"Um, yes. To help me build muscles for -er- the up coming Quidditch match with Ravenclaw." He still couldn't bring himself to admit he had to learn canoeing.
Professor McGonagall closed her eyes and sighed. She seemed to have given up trying to make sense out of anything anymore. "Very well, Potter. Get it into your Dormitory before your first class; I don't want to see it. Weasley," Ron looked up from the sad remains of his homework. "Help him carry it up there." She turned and walked off as Harry and Ron scooped up their school things, picked up the rowing machine, and heaved it out of the Great Hall, leaving behind a mass of staring students and Malfoy's petulant laughter.
They lugged the rowing machine up the stairs to the Gryffindor Common Room, carefully avoiding all of the trick steps. Ron and Harry set it down next to the wall and stared at it.
"I wonder how it works…" Ron said reaching out and taking the blue and white instruction manual. "Galaxian Genuine People Personality Products, Inc. Um, okay."
"Let's see what the instruction manual says, I mean on the inside." Harry took the dog-eared booklet from Ron and opened it to the first page.
"'The Galaxian Company has been creating quality products to ease the lives of wizards and witches around the world since 1548. And now the latest addition to our collection: The Row-a-matic rowing machine, 1000. The Row-a-matic comes with a genuine people personality like all of our products and promises to increase your ability to row under all sorts of conditions. To receive a catalogue of other Genuine People Personality Products available, please send your owl to 59 Peregrene Road, Plymouth, England." Harry paused before continuing. "Your products name is Marvin."
"Marvin? You've got a rowing machine named Marvin?"
Harry grimaced. "Apparently. 'Galaxian Genuine People Personality Products, Inc. It's a wizarding company, Ron. Haven't you heard of it?"
"Nah, must be one of those obscure ones."
"But it's located in Plymouth and other locations around the world."
Ron shrugged and they stood there, looking at the machine. Harry felt a sudden feeling of premonition as he looked at Marvin, who was blissfully unaware of his surroundings. Then the bell rang, informing them that they were late for Divination.
Divination went, well, badly. Prof. Trelawney was not impressed with their excuse for being late ("The rowing machine made us late…Prof. McGonagall made us take it up to Gryffindor.") or with Ron's fortune cookie prediction. Even Harry's wasn't up to snuff. Although he was dying four different ways in the next Lunar month, she still had a bone to pick with him. "Harry, " said Prof. Trelawney, "your cookie's color clearly states that you won't die from crowning but from hanging…or was it Chinese water torture, ah never mind." Harry rolled his eyes at Ron who was being forced to explain the unlikeness of any monster ever speaking Chinese in a foot long essay.
Potions was hardly any better. Snape seemed to have gotten worse over the course of the year and took strange joy in watching the fifth years struggle to create complicated invisibility potions. After Neville accidentally turned his Cauldron and table invisible for the fourth time, Snape assigned all of the students a four foot long essay with the title of "Analyze and Evaluate the Different Invisibility Potions and Their Antidotes."
By lunch, Ron and Harry were definitely feeling the O.W.L preparation stress and wanted to collapse right then and there. Hermione, on the other hand, was still looking slightly chipper.
"Boy, guess what we did in Arithmacy today!"
"Let's not and say we did," mumbled Ron. Harry silently agreed with him.
"What, Divination go badly?" Hermione asked with a smile.
"Yeah," said Harry, "You could say that. That stupid rowing machine made us late for Divination."
"And Professor Trelawney didn't predict that? How surprising." Hermione's sarcasm breathed new life into Ron and he laughed.
"Yeah, but about that machine. Apparently it's some sort of what was that corporation's name, Harry?"
"Genuine People Personality Products, Inc."
"Wonder what that is…guess I'll just have to ask Mum 'cause I don't have a clue."
"Tsk! Honestly, don't you guys ever read anything?" Hermione said in an annoyed tone of voice.
"Well, fine then, Miss know-it-all. What is that company?"
"It's an old wizarding company that went out of business about 50 years ago. It produced all sorts of things to help wizarding families around the house, in the field, etc. All of them had, well, genuine people personalities. It turns out that that was what caused it to go out of business. Nobody wanted their household appliances to have genuine personalities. You know, it gets kind of annoying when your mop refuses to mop the floor because it's tired or it doesn't think the floor is dirty enough or it is too busy flirting with the family brooms." Harry nodded. That made sense… "So, in the last 100 years, and in a last ditch effort to survive, the Company turned to sporting equipment. Their reasoning was that people would love having a broom that urged them on in Quidditch and complimented them when they did well. Around that time, canoeing and all sorts of boating was becoming increasingly popular and I guess that's probably when your rowing machine came out, Harry." Hermione took a spoonful of peas as Ron stared at her with a look that seemed to alternate between frank admiration and deep-felt disgust.
"Just out of curiosity, Hermione, but is there a book in that library that you haven't read?"
"Yes, most of the restricted ones. Madame Pince won't let me," Hermione replied with a smile. She turned to Harry and asked, "So, what is the name of your wonderful rowing machine, Harry?"
"Marvin. His name is…Marvin."
"Marvin?"
"Yes. Marvin."
Hermione Quickly shoved a spoonful of peas into her mouth so she wouldn't laugh. She swallowed and having regained her composure, said: "Well that's an interesting name, Harry, though not one I would ever give to anyone."
Ron laughed and Harry rolled his eyes in annoyance.
Marvin…indeed.