Rommie's Message
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Summary: In chapter one, Harper delivers a very disturbing message. In chapter two, Rommie has a talk with Dylan about it, and has to watch him throw up after about three minutes of the message. But she manages to dissuade him from going to the bridge and verbally lambasting the poor Prime Minister.
A/N: Note the conspicuous absence of the stage notes. I have, for the sake of Claire's dignity, removed them. You should be able to guess the vague outlines of the stage anyway, just from the context. I have, however, retained a few of them, especially near the end as the story become more action and less talk.
Chapter Three - In which Rommie asks Tyr for advice
Rommie – Tyr, I'd like to talk to you.
Tyr – [stops eating] Ah…would this concern the message Harper has been babbling about?
Rommie – Harper's been babbling about my message?!
Tyr – Most vociferously. [supercilious, lilting tone]
Rommie – I am going to kill him!
Tyr – No! Well, not until we've found a new mechanic and he's finished modifying my gauss rifle.
Rommie – We're getting sidetracked. What I wanted to ask you, Tyr, was –
Tyr – My advice on this situation?
Rommie – No, but that'll do.
Tyr – At the least, do nothing.
Rommie – Nothing?
Tyr – You must look at the bigger picture. The Nazbulia Trade Federation is vital to the local economy, and the Prime Minister is vital to the NTF. In only thirty years he has completely reformed the old Nazbulia Commerce Administration. It's become far more comprehensive, more powerful, and most importantly, larger. The NCA's jurisdiction was composed of only Nazbulia Prime and its satellite colonies. The new NTF now spans the entire sector, and its actions have powerful effects throughout the nearby sectors as well, including the Holy Order of the Templarum, which has so far been a major blockade in the revival of the Commonwealth in this area. Nobody with a powerful enough navy to oppose the Order is inclined to, and they can do quite well without the Andromeda. The only systems joining are the small and weak, whom the Order can attack easily. But the NTF has its fingers in almost thirty percent of the Order's overall commerce, and almost eighty percent of its military commerce. It can send the Order's economy into a significant depression just by increasing its fees by a fraction of a percent.
Rommie – So…do nothing. Just ignore it?
Tyr – At the least. At the least. Ignoring it will serve only as a temporary delay, though. If the Prime Minister still has the determination and spark that first got him his exalted position – and believe me, he does – he will press on. And sooner or later you'll have to give him a definite answer. In the meantime, you can turn this to your advantage.
Rommie – How? I'm not going to accede to his outrageous demands if he signs such and such treaties and does such and such to such and such numbers! Out of the question.
Tyr – Ah,, how ignorant you are of the finer points of diplomacy, my dear Andromeda!
Rommie – Tyr. This is extortion, not diplomacy.
Tyr – What is diplomacy but extortion, threat, and continuous haggling? One sets a ridiculously high demand, backs it up with an equally ridiculous threat, then lets the other make a ridiculously low offer. Eventually, the threatening, blackmailing, and demanding reaches a more realistic level. Then after much bargaining the two sides settle upon midpoint that gives both parties some of what they each wanted, at a fairly acceptable cost.
Rommie – Fine. How do you suggest I blackmail this man without performing any of those disgusting acts?
Tyr – Sometimes the promise of a boon is almost as good as the boon itself, yes?
Rommie – So I drop a few hints that I might do as he asks, if only he does certain things?
Tyr – No. Good fates, have you never bribed a shady dockmaster?
Rommie – [nose in air] High Guard dockmasters were above such petty persuasion.
Tyr – Well, that just makes it all the harder. Listen up, then.
Rommie – I'm listening.
Tyr – You must present your problem, as his problem. You must portray your roadblocks as his. Should something block you, make it seem as if it is the sole roadblock on a very short road to his desires. Never baldly state what you want, nor what he wants. Instead insinuate that certain events may take place should certain obstacles be no more.
Rommie – And in applicable terms this would mean…
Tyr – Reply to the Prime Minister. Tell him how busy this treaty has made you. Throughout the message, hint that were you not so busy, you have quite a bit of free time on your hands. Also mention that you would be very, very grateful to whoever gets this treaty off your shoulders.
Rommie – I don't know, Tyr. That seems a bit cruel.
Tyr – [grabs Rommie by shoulders] Understand the nature of this galaxy, Andromeda Ascendant. Nothing is fair. Life is cruel. You'll not be sheltered by your High Guard rules of the engagement, so deal with it.
Rommie – Tyr! Let go of me!
Tyr – [lets go] So, will you make the call or not?
Rommie – I don't know. Isn't there some other way to do this?
Tyr – Well, we could also just ignore it and wait until he starts floating outside your portholes reading you poetry by commlink!
Rommie – You're right. He wouldn't give up. Yet…oh, it's so disgusting!
Tyr – Disgusting? To you, an android avatar who's seen the horrors of battle, and even lived through a Magog invasion of your very corridors?
Rommie – You have no idea, Tyr.
Tyr – Perhaps you'd better let me see this message.
Rommie – Here.
Tyr – It has the official Nazbulian crests...I didn't think the man would be so bold. Hmm, yes, it's burnt right into the data with interlacing heat-sensitive pigments. No way to fake that.
Rommie – Dylan – Captain Hunt – noticed that too. I've got it on short-term memory … yes, it's in my TAM banks. You needn't insert the disk again; I'll just have to make Harper scrub that slot out too.
Tyr – Is it really so disgusting?
Rommie – Yes, it is! [plays message]
[silence]
Tyr – I see what you mean.
Rommie – Well, at least you're not vomiting all over my bathroom.
Tyr – [amused expression] The youngster vomited all over a bathroom? Why did you let him into the housing blocks? Deck plating cleans more easily.
Rommie – It wasn't Harper. It was –
Tyr – Trance, then.
Rommie – No. Would you just let me finish my –
Tyr – [surprised] Beka vomited?
Rommie – No!
Tyr – It can't be.
Rommie – Yes, the Captain vomited. Now would you give me your advice already?
Tyr – Mmph! [muffles laughter by stuffing a large clump of stewed greens into mouth]
Rommie – Tyr! You'd better not get whatever-that-stewed-green-mess-is on my floor, especially after you spray them out of your nose!
Tyr – [sprays stewed greens out of nose and onto Rommie's front then falls off his chair laughing]
Rommie – Ewww….
Harper enters.
Harper – Hey, Rom-doll, nice outfit.
Rommie – Shut up, Harper.
Harper – Why don't I clean that up for you, Rom-doll? [reaches for Rommie's shirt]
Rommie – [slaps hand away] Am I surrounded by lecherous obscenities?!
Harper – Oww...You know, Rom-doll, you've got a real vicious streak in you.
Rommie – Shut. Up. Eww…
Harper – Hey, Tyr, how'd Rommie get … stewed … zucchini all over her shirt? [notices a bit of zucchini still hanging from Tyr's nose] Oh! Eww!
Rommie – If you're not going to help get this stuff off me, go away, Harper.
Harper – Hey, I'll help.
Rommie – Without sneaking cheap feels.
Harper – Aw… Well, I'll just be re-calibrating one of your auxiliary slipstream motivator-vane actuators if you need me. And if I finish that, I'll be whisk-abrading some of those carbon scores off your hull. That should take me a few hours.
Rommie – Goodbye, Harper.
Harper – Bye, Rommie. Call me next time you need some help.
Rommie – Not unless you start wearing gloves with me, Harper.
A/N: It was too much heavy stuff for one chapter – this is supposed to be a humorous story here -- so I brought Harper in for some comic relief. Next chapter's at four more reviews (ten reviews total for those of us who have trouble with addition as well as keeping track of who's speaking).