Quenta Silmarillion
(The History of the Silmarils…you'll notice a pattern before too long)
Of the Beginning of Days
Illuin
::shine shine shine::
Ormal
::shine shine shine::
Yavanna
There. That's the last of it. Green, growing things galore! And lamps to see by! Eru knows I was sick and tired of Tulkas tramping over my daisies. I don't care if he was going after Melkor--they were my daisies!
Melian
They'll grow back, I'm sure…regardless of their…charred trampledness.
Yavanna
Humph.
Manwë
Hey, everyone! I know you've all been working really hard lately--
Aulë
That's putting it lightly.
Tulkas
Aye…and then some.
Manwë
Quiet. I'm talking. Yeah, so, anyway. Party at my place!
Sauron
I'll bring the beer! Hey, and isn't there a match between the Worgs and the Istari on tonight?
Aulë
Dearest Maia mine, whatever are you talking about?
Sauron
Uh…I'm bringing the beer?
::mutters::damnedforeshadowingknowledgeMelkorgaveme::more muttering::
Manwë
Right! Let's feast, drink and carouse and completely forget that one of us has turned to the Dark Side!
Varda
Dearest, that was so unoriginal.
Manwë
Tolkien outdates Lucas by a couple of decades. It's all good.
Nessa
::starts dancing on the grass of Almaren::
Tulkas
Damn…she can dance and out-run me…oh, Oromë?
Oromë
::hic:: What?
Tulkas
You wouldn't mind if I….
Oromë
::glances at Nessa::
Hurt her and I'll kill you.
Tulkas
Sweet!
::espouses Nessa (…Tolkien was discreet, wasn't he?)::
Oh yeah. That was good. Tired now.
::snore::
Nessa
Heh…whose stamina outlasts whose?
Melkor
Ha! Tulkas now sleeps and Aulë is drunk off his feet. Now's my chance to build a really big fortress in a really handy location where the view doesn't matter, but it'll come in handy because the Valar are stupid and won't look for all the passages and chambers if they ever storm it. And that's way too much foreshadowing. It's getting named Utumno, though.
Sauron
Sounds good, boss.
Melkor
Where the hell did you come from?
Sauron
I just come and go. Remember? I'm a spy of yours along with a bunch of other Maia that never seem to have names for one reason or another. Not like a few more names in this story would make much of a difference….
Melkor
Aha. Just…stay close to me from now on, okay? Foreshadowing says so. That, and most of the people who know of us learn things backwards. The damned Third Age always comes first, y'know.
Sauron
Right, boss.
Melkor
Army of Darkness! Attack the Valar! RAR!!!
Army of Darkness
::cough::
Melkor
…
::clears throat::
Attack the Valar!
Random Worg
Are you NUTS? You're going to need us later for your five great wars or whatever. Going against the Valar is suicide!
Melkor
Fair enough. Attack the lamps, then! And do your utmost to piss Aulë off. Just because.
Army of Darkness
::breaks the lamps, brings about darkness, and tramples all the pretty flowers::
Manwë
MELKOR, THOU ART A FOOL! HOW DARE THEE ATTEMPT TO PROFANE ARDA! AAAAAAAAaaa::cough hack wheeze::
Man, that's hard on the vocal chords.
Tulkas
Huh? What? Hey, who turned out the lights?
Nessa
Melkor, dear. You know. The evil one.
Tulkas
Ah! Then I shall catch him and punch caves in HIM since the mountain had to be left as it was!
::runs off::
Melkor
Teehee! They can't find me!
::giggles::
Manwë
::sigh::
We must move. Our home upon Middle-earth is now destroyed. Aman is as good a locale as any. Come, my brethren! The West awaits us!
Valar
::mourn and follow::
Manwë
I want to live on mountains, though…and they'll work for protection against Melkor. That…and I just want to live on the tallest mountain.
Varda
Again?
Manwë
Yes.
Varda
Why?
Manwë
'Tis but an attempt to preserve my ego.
Varda
::sigh::
Very well. Wait…haven't we been through this before?
Manwë
I was wondering when you were going to catch on. Yes. We have. Tolkien is just reiterating and going into more detail. We're still just living on Oily Aussie.
Varda
Aha.
Aulë
Let's build something!!!
::starts constructing the city of Valinor::
::an unknown amount of time passes::
::finishes constructing the city of Valinor::
Valar
Pretty, pretty city! Yay! It's even prettier than Middle-earth!
Yavanna
Oooh! Random green hill with a really big name that's translated into three more languages before you learn that all I do is hallow and sit on it and sing!
::does that::
::two Trees grow::
The dark green and silver one shall be called…Telperion. And the light green and gold shall be…Laurelin. Those names sound simple enough in comparison with the other four granted them where a certain author [who shall remain nameless] obviously had too much time on his hands because those other four names are in languages that don't even exist yet as far as I'm concerned.
Manwë
Mind your foreshadowing!
Yavanna
Go stuff it. I just spent days upon days making these trees grow and you're yelling at me about random languages? That's not half as bad as what I could be rambling about, you know.
Varda
I feel your pain. He started bitching at me when I made the stars and had this long talk with Nienna about the Firstborn and whatnot.
Yavanna
Isn't that always the way of it. Men stick themselves in charge and completely forget that their significant others actually know what they're doing. I'm just grateful that Tolkien had more tact with this book. It's not like when he's going on and on about the Third Age for about a thousand pages and only three women play any significant role.
Varda
Indeed! See, when Nienna told me that, she started crying like mad! Personally, I don't blame her. I mean, when I heard about the whole ordeal with Arwen, that was the last straw. She's supposed to marry the king to end all kings and only shows up in the tale in passing? The nerve!
Manwë
That's quite enough, ladies!
Yavanna
Prick.
Varda
Just be glad he didn't espouse you.
Yavanna
I don't want to hear it. Mine is just as bad. The stories I could tell you….
::continued chatter::
But that's all beside the point. Currently, I have a date with a forest in Middle-earth that Melkor sort of burnt all nice and crispy. Remind me to tell you the rest later.
Oromë
I'll come with you! Those fell beasts of Melkor's must not be allowed to endure when the Firstborn arrive! That, and they ::cough:: trample the flowers.
Yavanna
Heh. Fair enough.
Ilúvatar
Behold I love the Earth, which shall be a mansion for the Quendi and the Atani! But the Quendi shall be the fairest of all earthly creatures, and they shall have and shall conceive and bring forth more beauty than all my Children; and they shall have the greater bliss in this world. But to the Atani I give a new gift.
Valar
…
That was completely random.
Ilúvatar
You expected something else out of me? I've been lulled into such sweet thoughts by the pretty, pretty music I have here. Those voice lessons really helped the other Ainur. You should hear them some time.
Valar
…
Ilúvatar
Anyway, what I meant to say was that the Quendi shall be dead-sexy and the Atani not quite as such (though, every now and again you'll encounter a real gem…probably not until the Third Age, however. Wait…Beren ain't going to be that bad….). Although, the Atani are going to have this gift, see, that when they die they go out and beyond the confines of the world. That, and they'll die a lot sooner with no hope of being reincarnated! Isn't it great?!
::beams::
Mandos
Man…I know you're the big guy of big guys…but you're going to have problems with that one.
Melkor
::snerk::
Oooooh, yes, he will.
Sauron
How so, boss?
Melkor
Hush. I haven't thought that far ahead, yet. I'm still dwelling on the End of Days when I can try to pick on the Firstborn…wherever they'll be, then.