Disclaimer: Still not mine.

Warning: Small hints of slash, nothing too major. Certainly nothing scarring.

Dedication: To everyone whose following it, and to the Peter Mailing List.

Author's Note: I think this is a rather sweet chapter...short, but sweet. Don't worry, James comes back in the next chapter. And we may have Sirius' POV...

Body and Blood

Chapter Six

Nothing to Forgive

Peter sat on the small, rather uncomfortable bed, head hanging low. Hogwarts. He half hated it, now. Sirius was off somewhere trying to save James. He had put Peter here, and told him to stay put. It seemed Sirius had honored his promise, as no one had come to bother Peter.

//He can do it.// Peter was certain of this. Sirius had gotten through to James, if only for a moment. And if he had done it for a moment, he would do it for longer. //Then what happens to me?// No matter what he had said, a lifetime in Azkaban was not appealing. Maybe...

//No This is it. At least you did something right. Sirius even said so. I did good.// He sighed, raking his hair out of his eyes. The door opened, and Peter jumped up, eyes wide and frightened.

"It's just me." Sirius closed the door, looking tired and haggard.

"Well?" Peter felt apprehension rising up inside of him.

"I don't know. He's in there. I can see it, for a few minutes. Then he snaps back. It's like he doesn't want to believe what he really is. I just need more time." Sirius shook his head.

"Oh." Peter sat back down. Well, it wasn't exactly good news, but it wasn't bad news either. He wasn't sure why Sirius was here. He buried his head in his hands again, feeling very alone and lost. James. There was a chance that James was going o be alive and okay. And what would he have to say to Peter?

Lost in his own thoughts, he didn't hear Sirius cross teh room. But he did react when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Touching had never been anything good for Peter, and he reacted as he always had. He jumped away, shielding himself and looking away. He curled himself into a ball on the bed, breathing quickly. It as pure instinct.

"Peter? What the hell are you doing?"

Peter looked up, his body relaxing. It was only Sirius. And Sirius wasn't going to hurt him, at least not at the moment. He sat up, feeling very stupid.

"Sorry." He mumbled, feeling himself flush.

"They really fucked you up good, didn't they?" Sirius asked, tilting his head at Peter. Teh younger man just shrugged, not sure how to answer that. "You were always pretty twitchy, but not like that."

"I'm just..." Peter trailed off hopelessly.

"What did they do to you, Peter?" Sirius sat down on the bed, watching Peter intensely. "James threatened to do a whole lot of stuff to me, and told me a whole bunch of stories. I don't know how much he was just pulling out of his arse."

"It doesn't matter." Peter said, looking away. He didn't know how to tell Sirius what they had done to him. Before and after.

"Yes, it does." Sirius said. "I'm going to at least *try* and look at things from your point of view."

"They..." Peter couldn't look at Sirius. Why did he have to ask this sort of thing? "They hurt me." That was an understatement. There were nights-before the Potter's deaths-that Peter had to be carried from lord Voldemort's chambers, and was forced to stay wherever he was put. Simply because he couldn't move due to the pain.

"How? I mean...Crutiatus, torture, rape, what?"

"All of it." Peter said. "I really don't want to talk about it."

"So like I said, they messed you up good."

"Yeah." Peter just nodded. He didn't like to think about it. It hurt to remember.

:"Doesn't excuse what you did."

"I know." Peter had no false delusions that because he had been beaten, and tortured, and all manner of things that what he had done was okay. He didn't try and justify it, there was nothing to justify. He had made a mistake, that was all there was too it.

"James being alive...it doesn't change much."

"I know." Peter sighed again.

"You screwed up Peter."

"So did you." He couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice. "You told them to make me the Secret Keeper."

"Don't you think I know that?" Sirius gave a bitter little laugh. "Don't you think that's been bothering me, preying on me, for years? I know...I know I'm to blame too."

"It's okay." Peter looked at Sirius out of the corner of his eye. "You didn't know. You were trying to do the right thing."

"Good intentions, huh? The road to hell is paved with them, Peter." Sirius sighed, and turned to face Peter.

"Was it...Did I...is it because...?"

"No." Peter shook his head. "It wasn't cause of that. I mean...I was sort of used to it by then."

"And that's not right either." Sirius swallowed hard, and Peter wondered where all of this was going. Sirius seemed to be building up to something, thought what he didn't know.

"Look, I'm sorry. I treated you badly, and I'm sorry. There, I said it."

It sounded as like this admission had pained Sirius greatly. Peter shook his head softly.

"It's okay. You were just doing what you did, that's all." Sirius had always been like that. He never thought. He did what was easiest for him, or he used to at any rate.

"But it wasn't right. And it's been bothering me for a while now. So it's out, I apologized, I don't owe you anything."

"You never owed me." Peter said, putting his hand on Sirius' arm. Peter wanted suddenly to rest his head on Sirius' shoulder, to curl up to the taller man and just sob. But he didn't think that would be very well received.

"I felt I did, okay?" Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Don't think this changes anything. You're still going to pay for what you did."

"I know!" Peter snapped, rather vehemently. "You made it clear, okay? I'm going to pay. I'm going to have more horrible, awful things done to me. I understand. You don't need to rub it in my face."

"That's not what I was doing."

"Yes it is. You're trying to make yourself feel better about something. You always did this. You made fun of me to make yourself feel better, you were nice to me to make yourself feel better, and you screwed me to make yourself feel better!" Peter actually felt anger rising up inside of himself. He hadn't meant to be so snappish, but he couldn't help it. How long had it been, since he was able to actually talk to someone?

"Well, it's better then doing it to make you feel worse." Was Sirius' comeback. They sat in silence for a little while, and then it started. Peter knew it would, there was nothing he could do to stop it. He started to cry. He couldn't help it. The tears just started to pout out of his eyes, and he tried not to make any noise. His shoulders shook, and he made small hitching noises in his throat. He bit at his lower lip, shaking uncontrollably.

"Peter....for god's sake..." Sirius sounded exasperated. He patted Peter's shoulder awkwardly, and Peter sank into him, the tears streaming out of his eyes.

"I'm sorry." He wailed, clutching at Sirius' shirt. He felt the larger man's arms go around him, holding him awkwardly and hesitantly.

"Sorry doesn't change anything." Sirius said, and he sounded sad. "For either of us." He tightened his grip around Peter, holding him close. They sat there, locked in a desperate embrace. Peter buried his head in Sirius' shoulder, sobbing unashamedly. And he swore, after a little while, he felt dampness on his face that wasn't his own.

~~~