(Not entirely unexpectedly, they reach the transporter room.)
(Kirk is wheezing, trying to catch his breath.)
Spock: Captain, are you alright?
Kirk: Yes, I'm fine, Mr. Spock. Why do you ask?
Spock: You seem a little... out of breath.
Kirk: *goes red* I am in perfect, healthy condition.
Sulu: *impatient* Can we stop with the drama already?
(Scotty rushes forward and embraces the console, to everyone's chagrin.)
Scotty: My poor wee bairns!
Everyone Else: o_O
Sulu: Ooookay, a little frightened, here...
Chekov: Vhat is he doing?
Scotty: *coughs* Er, Captain, the console's out.
Kirk: ****************!!
Chekov: I didn't know a curse word that long existed!
Kirk: No, no. The author just stepped on her keyboard.
Chekov: ...oh.
Spock: Her, captain? And what is an 'author' got to do with us?
Kirk: Er... let's fix the console, men!
Uhura: *looks quietly pissed off*
Kirk: *sheepish* ...And women.
(The door suddenly rattles on its hinges. Mad, vicious humming can be heard on the other side.)
McCoy: Jim, they've trapped us!
Kirk: *bravely* We shall not perish, Bones! ...We have phasers.
Spock: Against Tribbles, captain?
Kirk: Hey, it could work. *shrugs*
(Suddenly the Tribbles burst through and storm the room. But then Kirk strikes up a deal with the author and she fixes the console.)
(They beam onto a planet.)
Chekov: That vas close.
(A little girl stares at them. She drops the ice cream she was eating in terror, and runs off screaming.)
Spock: Fascinating.
Uhura: Fasc -- ? We frightened her! Poor girl...
Kirk: Uh, come on. We've got to figure out what planet we're on.
(They walk through a disturbingly perfect forest and come across a little, perfect town. Everything is oddly shiny and plastic-looking.)
Everybody: Yes!
Sulu: Finally.
(A woman walks up to them, dressed in ditzy clothing. Her skin is shiny. Her body is perfect. It's LIFESIZE BARBIE!)
Kirk: *drools, not unexpectedly*
Uhura: She's... she's perfect!
Kirk: Yeeeeaaahhh...
McCoy: *hits him* Get your mind out of the gutter, CAPTAIN.
Barbie: Hello! Do you need help?
Spock: Where is the nearest -- *is muffled by Kirk's hand*
Kirk: Where's the nearest shuttlecraft, baby?
Barbie: Shuttlecraft? Oh, how cute! Little trekkies!
(Everyone blinks. She's right. They're half her height. Apparently, they've been shrunk.)
Kirk: *snaps fingers* Damn.
Barbie: Oh, naughty curse word!
Sulu: *impatient* This is getting us nowhere!
(Suddenly, Barbie falls down dead. Standing over her is a Black-suited figure.)
Black-suited Figure: Haha!
Kirk: O.o And... who might you be?
(The whole atmosphere suddenly gets to Uhura. She starts dancing and singing that well-known Barbie song.)
Everyone Else: O.O
Spock: Fascinating.
Sulu: Uhura? What -- ?
(Uhura grabs him and begins to dance with him. He pales. The Black-suited Figure looks freaked.)
Black-suited Figure: Haha! I'm out of here!
(He runs away.)
Kirk: Wait! Who was that?
Spock: I... think that was a Power Ranger, captain.
(Dragging Uhura along, they come upon a sign which reads, "YOU ARE HERE." And that's all it has on it.)
Sulu: *dry* Well, that's helpful.
Chekov: Sair! There's a logo in the corner of this sign... "PLANET MATTEL"?
Everyone: *groans*
McCoy: We're done for, Jim! What do we DO?
Kirk: *begins to think*
(His deep thinking takes up all the space left in this chapter...)
Annoying Narrator: Will the revelations never cease? Find out what happens Next Time!