[Nothing to do with Rain]
Chapter 4: Sigh
After an extensively long time, Ken sighs again. Nagi hears it, and thinks
that Ken is tired of "talking" to him, and he mumbles a "shit". The
rebellious teenager inside him emerges again.
Why bring me here to talk, if he's so irritated? Like I really wanted to
come here in the first place. He's the one who suggested coming here. I knew
we should've just settled for a movie and popcorn. Damn...how did I get
stuck with this loser, who hasn't gotten his beliefs and priorities
straightened out? Pathetic.
"Nagi..."
"What?!"
"How about you?"
Not understanding Ken, but yet putting up a front, Nagi rolls his eyes and
stares back at Ken. Seemingly annoyed, he retorts.
"What the hell are you talkin' about?"
"...I'm talking about the question."
"Oh, right! The question! That question! Yeah, I almost forgot...what was it
again? Oh yes- why is it that you're so irritating, 'cause you think
everyone gets what you're saying, when that is entirely not the case?!
Gosh...I can NOT believe you."
Ken is angered slightly, but restrains himself.
"No, that's not what I was saying..."
"Oh really? How could I have not noticed?"
"..Nagi. Why do you kill?"
Suddenly, the glare on Nagi's face vanishes. He looks away in search of a
non-existent path to escape. The piece of paper still under his control dips
slightly, almost as if it is about to sink to the ground.
For a while, Nagi refuses to say a word.
Does he know why he kills? Ken wonders. Was he brain-washed or something?
Trained to be an assassin? Trained to kill? Or was it because of some
trauma? Bad past? I heard about his childhood...but why did he turn out like
this? Poor kid, he must be really confused now... Perhaps I shouldn't have
asked him.
"Look, Nagi, you...you don't have to answer me if you don't want to, you
know? I just...."
"You just what?! Of course I know I don't have to answer you. I don't want
to, by the way. It isn't any of your business, so bug off."
"...Nagi, I'm sorry."
"Oh, yeah, I'm sure you really are. Whatever, ok? Whatever."
Nagi looks away for a moment, then shifts his attention on to the piece of
paper. He whisks it right and left, back and forth, engaged as if he were
playing with a ball, bouncing it up and down... The paper responds to his
powers, moving momentarily according to his desire. Ken watches this
silently, his eyes following the piece of paper, then looks at Nagi,
concerned and worried for an unknown reason. Trying to break the tension
between them, he changes the subject.
"What is that paper anyway? You've been playing around with it for quite a
while now."
"None of your business."
"Just tell me."
Nagi is worked up again. The defensive mechanism in his tone expresses
itself full throttle.
"And why the hell do you wanna know?! Really, do you care? Do you
desperately need to know? What, you wanna use it to write something? You
wanna be a busybody? Oh right....I forgot, you wanted to fold an aeroplane
with it! Give me a break, for goodness sake. I couldn't care less about this
stupid piece of paper that fell from some stupid person's briefcase! Shit!
You're seriously messin' up my day! First the rain, then you, then this damn
piece of trash! What's up with you all?! Feellin' irritable, is that it?!"
Ken is silent again.
Then, as if realising something, he looks at Nagi and asks, "Is that why you
kill?"
"What?! Not this shit again!"
"No, I am serious. Is that why you kill? Because you're so irritated and
annoyed at everyone, and everything, that you get so worked up over it? You
feel so apprehensive towards anything you feel like destroying it all? Is
that it? Is that why you kill, Nagi?"
"... ...none of your business, like I said before."
"What if I'm a busybody, and I can't mind my own business?"
"Then you're just a loser who I wouldn't care about."
"Loser? Then why are you here?"
"How the hell would I know?! 'Cause I have nothin else to do, ok? Why are
you interrogating me!"
"I am not interrogating you. I just want to understand you."
"What are you, some gay? Man, you are sick! People don't go around asking
people questions 'cause they wanna 'understand' them! Get a life!"
"I have one. And so does everyone else; so do you, but you don't lead the
right kind of life, and you should know that. People do ask questions to
each other, trying to understand them, trying to help them, trying to be
their friend. Maybe you and I being friends is impossible, but I still think
that you should quit this lifestyle. It's too late for people like me to
change, but it isn't for you. Killing...all this...you're..."
"I'm too young?!"
"...yeah. You are..."
"Give me a break, ok?! I don't need anyone to tell me what I am, what I am not,
what I should, or what I should not do... You guys don't own me, and I don't
need to listen to your crap. Perhaps another time, eh? Another time we could
all get together, sit around in a little, cute circle and talk! What do you
think? Wouldn't that be just fine?"
"...Nagi, you have to change. People change, alright, and that's a fact. I
can't see you living your life like this forever, and you know this too."
"Well, I have no problem with myself; it kinda seems everyone else does, but
I don't. And I'm fine, so leave me alone, ok?! This damn conversation was a
stupid mistake. You shouldn't have bothered to talk to me at all. Wasted
your time."
Ken sees the paper scrunching up gradually. Seeing that Nagi's emotions are
tightening, he gives up, feeling that he can't change Nagi. He gets up and
sighs. Taking one last look at this adolescent who may forever ruin his
life, Ken closes his eyes in regret and pity and walks away.
Still seated on the bench, Nagi watches as the sun has begun to set. He
quietly mumbles to himself.
"Yeah, just leave me here again, like the rest of 'em. I'll be fine. Totally
and perfectly. It's not like I want you idiots to come running to hug me and
comfort me, like I'm some pathetic orphaned kid. I'm not a loser, and I'm
not a psycho. You guys can't defeat me...I'm not stupid. I'm better than all
of you...I..."
For the first time, instead of swearing under his breath, Nagi sighs.
Suddenly, he just feels so tired- tired of the day's events, tired of Ken,
tired of life, tired of living. He knows he isn't suicidal, but feels that
sometimes he actually does feel like letting go and leaving everything
behind. How far could one go, anyway, leading a life of murder?
As Nagi relaxes his muscles unconsciously, the paper falls instantly to the
ground. Realising that he was still in possession of this symbolic
representation of his emotions, he picks it up and looks at it just for the
sake of...looking at it. It is an essay.
{...what we see of ourselves and others is entirely different. People may
hate us, but yet we will never fail to love and treasure ourselves. On the
other hand, people may love and admire and repsect us, but yet we may resent
our very own existence. We may hate everything about the way we are.
Sometimes, it appears as though we will never get out of this life. Even if
we face the hardest problems, we may never be able to shove it to one side
and leave it alone. The problems will always come back; they will always
stick with us, until we learn to face it. The same thing applies to fears
and bad habits.
Do you know what you want? Do you know how you feel? Do you know what you
want for your life? Think about this, and face your self, so that you can
gain confidence to face others. Realise that you are who you are, and no one
can change that, but also realise that you cannot be fixed or categorized
under a single word...}
Nagi reads no more. The words sink into his mind, leaving him in what almost
seems like a trance. He stares blankly into the horizon, and at the setting
sun, and feels his life drained away.
Recovering a bit, he walks away, carelessly and uncaringly leaving the piece
of paper right where he once sat.
-owari-
Chapter 4: Sigh
After an extensively long time, Ken sighs again. Nagi hears it, and thinks
that Ken is tired of "talking" to him, and he mumbles a "shit". The
rebellious teenager inside him emerges again.
Why bring me here to talk, if he's so irritated? Like I really wanted to
come here in the first place. He's the one who suggested coming here. I knew
we should've just settled for a movie and popcorn. Damn...how did I get
stuck with this loser, who hasn't gotten his beliefs and priorities
straightened out? Pathetic.
"Nagi..."
"What?!"
"How about you?"
Not understanding Ken, but yet putting up a front, Nagi rolls his eyes and
stares back at Ken. Seemingly annoyed, he retorts.
"What the hell are you talkin' about?"
"...I'm talking about the question."
"Oh, right! The question! That question! Yeah, I almost forgot...what was it
again? Oh yes- why is it that you're so irritating, 'cause you think
everyone gets what you're saying, when that is entirely not the case?!
Gosh...I can NOT believe you."
Ken is angered slightly, but restrains himself.
"No, that's not what I was saying..."
"Oh really? How could I have not noticed?"
"..Nagi. Why do you kill?"
Suddenly, the glare on Nagi's face vanishes. He looks away in search of a
non-existent path to escape. The piece of paper still under his control dips
slightly, almost as if it is about to sink to the ground.
For a while, Nagi refuses to say a word.
Does he know why he kills? Ken wonders. Was he brain-washed or something?
Trained to be an assassin? Trained to kill? Or was it because of some
trauma? Bad past? I heard about his childhood...but why did he turn out like
this? Poor kid, he must be really confused now... Perhaps I shouldn't have
asked him.
"Look, Nagi, you...you don't have to answer me if you don't want to, you
know? I just...."
"You just what?! Of course I know I don't have to answer you. I don't want
to, by the way. It isn't any of your business, so bug off."
"...Nagi, I'm sorry."
"Oh, yeah, I'm sure you really are. Whatever, ok? Whatever."
Nagi looks away for a moment, then shifts his attention on to the piece of
paper. He whisks it right and left, back and forth, engaged as if he were
playing with a ball, bouncing it up and down... The paper responds to his
powers, moving momentarily according to his desire. Ken watches this
silently, his eyes following the piece of paper, then looks at Nagi,
concerned and worried for an unknown reason. Trying to break the tension
between them, he changes the subject.
"What is that paper anyway? You've been playing around with it for quite a
while now."
"None of your business."
"Just tell me."
Nagi is worked up again. The defensive mechanism in his tone expresses
itself full throttle.
"And why the hell do you wanna know?! Really, do you care? Do you
desperately need to know? What, you wanna use it to write something? You
wanna be a busybody? Oh right....I forgot, you wanted to fold an aeroplane
with it! Give me a break, for goodness sake. I couldn't care less about this
stupid piece of paper that fell from some stupid person's briefcase! Shit!
You're seriously messin' up my day! First the rain, then you, then this damn
piece of trash! What's up with you all?! Feellin' irritable, is that it?!"
Ken is silent again.
Then, as if realising something, he looks at Nagi and asks, "Is that why you
kill?"
"What?! Not this shit again!"
"No, I am serious. Is that why you kill? Because you're so irritated and
annoyed at everyone, and everything, that you get so worked up over it? You
feel so apprehensive towards anything you feel like destroying it all? Is
that it? Is that why you kill, Nagi?"
"... ...none of your business, like I said before."
"What if I'm a busybody, and I can't mind my own business?"
"Then you're just a loser who I wouldn't care about."
"Loser? Then why are you here?"
"How the hell would I know?! 'Cause I have nothin else to do, ok? Why are
you interrogating me!"
"I am not interrogating you. I just want to understand you."
"What are you, some gay? Man, you are sick! People don't go around asking
people questions 'cause they wanna 'understand' them! Get a life!"
"I have one. And so does everyone else; so do you, but you don't lead the
right kind of life, and you should know that. People do ask questions to
each other, trying to understand them, trying to help them, trying to be
their friend. Maybe you and I being friends is impossible, but I still think
that you should quit this lifestyle. It's too late for people like me to
change, but it isn't for you. Killing...all this...you're..."
"I'm too young?!"
"...yeah. You are..."
"Give me a break, ok?! I don't need anyone to tell me what I am, what I am not,
what I should, or what I should not do... You guys don't own me, and I don't
need to listen to your crap. Perhaps another time, eh? Another time we could
all get together, sit around in a little, cute circle and talk! What do you
think? Wouldn't that be just fine?"
"...Nagi, you have to change. People change, alright, and that's a fact. I
can't see you living your life like this forever, and you know this too."
"Well, I have no problem with myself; it kinda seems everyone else does, but
I don't. And I'm fine, so leave me alone, ok?! This damn conversation was a
stupid mistake. You shouldn't have bothered to talk to me at all. Wasted
your time."
Ken sees the paper scrunching up gradually. Seeing that Nagi's emotions are
tightening, he gives up, feeling that he can't change Nagi. He gets up and
sighs. Taking one last look at this adolescent who may forever ruin his
life, Ken closes his eyes in regret and pity and walks away.
Still seated on the bench, Nagi watches as the sun has begun to set. He
quietly mumbles to himself.
"Yeah, just leave me here again, like the rest of 'em. I'll be fine. Totally
and perfectly. It's not like I want you idiots to come running to hug me and
comfort me, like I'm some pathetic orphaned kid. I'm not a loser, and I'm
not a psycho. You guys can't defeat me...I'm not stupid. I'm better than all
of you...I..."
For the first time, instead of swearing under his breath, Nagi sighs.
Suddenly, he just feels so tired- tired of the day's events, tired of Ken,
tired of life, tired of living. He knows he isn't suicidal, but feels that
sometimes he actually does feel like letting go and leaving everything
behind. How far could one go, anyway, leading a life of murder?
As Nagi relaxes his muscles unconsciously, the paper falls instantly to the
ground. Realising that he was still in possession of this symbolic
representation of his emotions, he picks it up and looks at it just for the
sake of...looking at it. It is an essay.
{...what we see of ourselves and others is entirely different. People may
hate us, but yet we will never fail to love and treasure ourselves. On the
other hand, people may love and admire and repsect us, but yet we may resent
our very own existence. We may hate everything about the way we are.
Sometimes, it appears as though we will never get out of this life. Even if
we face the hardest problems, we may never be able to shove it to one side
and leave it alone. The problems will always come back; they will always
stick with us, until we learn to face it. The same thing applies to fears
and bad habits.
Do you know what you want? Do you know how you feel? Do you know what you
want for your life? Think about this, and face your self, so that you can
gain confidence to face others. Realise that you are who you are, and no one
can change that, but also realise that you cannot be fixed or categorized
under a single word...}
Nagi reads no more. The words sink into his mind, leaving him in what almost
seems like a trance. He stares blankly into the horizon, and at the setting
sun, and feels his life drained away.
Recovering a bit, he walks away, carelessly and uncaringly leaving the piece
of paper right where he once sat.
-owari-