The parody to end all parodies
Disclaimer: ssh. We were bored. Em is your name JK Rowling? Suuuuuuuuure of course I changed it to Emily for anonymity. cool. Yep. Do you mean that? No. oh. damn. It's not ours then.
Summary: we need a summary?
^_~
[One night, 7th year Harry walks down the corridor of Hogwarts and runs into two seventeen year old girls who are both reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally beautiful.]
Em: hey harry!
Harry: …huh?
Tulz: how YOU doin'? [winks provocatively]
Em: Tallulah stop hitting on harry.
Tulz: I was just teasing… Hey harry where's the Slytherin Common Room?
Harry: …What?
Em: forget it we'll go ask Draco.
[girls run away]
Harry: …what was that about… those girls are insane…
^_~
[Ron and Hermione are fighting in Gryffindor common room]
Ron: I don't care what you say!
Hermione: Well I don't care what YOU say!
Ron: …wanna go make out?
Hermione: [thinks] …yeah okay.
[go off to make out, right before Harry comes through portrait hole]
Ginny: hi harry.
Harry: GINNY! …hi. About last night… you know, I didn't mean to…
Ginny: it's ok. We can try again another time.
Harry: I'm sorry. I just couldn't get Voldemort out of my head.
Ginny: [blinks] …whaaaaaaaaaat?
Harry: I mean, uh, not like THAT. I mean… um… [thinks]yeah, like that mm hmm voldie baby…[stops thinking thank god]
Ginny: you're sick I'm gonna go find myself a real man. [runs off]
Harry: [breaks down in tears]
^_~
[Outside Slytherin Common Room]
Tulz: w00t! we found it!
Em: ummm you should know where it is, it's YOUR house after all.
Tulz: ssh. Can you get to Gryffindor? No. you can't. [points and laughs]
Em: beside the point. I know my password. It's "We love Potter!"
[Slytherin door opens]
Both Girls: oh shit…
Tulz: so thaaaaaaaaat's our password. Millicent is sooooooo going down she told me it was "draco swallows" [giggles] speaking of draco… [wanders off to find him] bye em!
Em: fine. Leave me alone. [voice echoes down the hall]
^_~
[Slytherin 7th year boys' dormitory]
Draco: aaaah life.
Crabbe: got any food?
Draco: die.
Goyle: that's … not… very… what was I saying?
Draco: you were saying how much you hate life and you're going to end it.
Goyle: cool. Coming Crabbe?
Crabbe: where're we going?
Goyle: to die.
Crabbe: k.
[crabbe and goyle go off somewhere to commit the happy dispatch]
[voice comes from curtains] Finally we are alone…
Draco: [blinks, looks around, hides under bed]
Pansy: oy! This is my hiding place go away!
Draco: Avada Kedavra!
Pansy: [dies]
Draco: I never liked her much.
Voice: I noticed. So how are you, sexxxxy?
Draco: freaked out.
Voice: woohoo! I freaked someone out! Yeah! I.. aaaaaaah! [curtain falls over as Tulz trips and pulls it down with her]
Tulz: shite.
Draco: oh it's you.
Tulz: who were you expecting? The easter bunny?
Draco: well actually it IS that time of year… got any eggs?
Tulz: [blinks innocently] I… have… no… idea… what … you… are …referring … to…
…
[pause]
…
Tulz: not. [jumps him]
[three hours later]
Tulz: phew!
Draco: I'll say…
Tulz: wanna go again?
Draco: yeah ok.
^_~
[meanwhile, it's been another six hours and Em is hanging around in halls playing with magic]
Em: bored now… Accio Harry!
[Harry is pulled down several halls, through a few doors and into several solid objects along the way before arriving to stand in front of Em. He then collapses.]
Em: Harry you don't look too good. I'm worried about you lately, I think you have a problem. You know they have groups that can help with those things. Your not alone oooOOOOooooooh I see you brought your invisibility cloak! Can I have… I mean borrow it? [grabs it off the unconscious boy] thanks hun, I'll get it back to you later…
[Slips it on and runs off]
^_~
[Em walks down corridors invisibly and runs into Tulz coming out of Slytherin]
Em: where've you been?
Tulz: …did you steal Harry's cloak again?
Em: don't change the subject!
Tulz: But it's more fun talking about your kleptomaniac issues then talking about my rather active sex life. …I mean… shit.
Em: [slips cloak over both of them] do tell…
Tulz: dammit…
^_~
Tulz: so yeah…
Em: [looks shocked] HOW MANY TIMES?
Tulz: shut up.
[both girls shut up, but only because Snape has come down the hall. That's funny, snape seems to have glasses now… and put on a bit of weight… and shrunk… hmm…]
Snape: [runs into classroom door] ow!
[giggles from girls]
Snape: who's there? Are there any students around?
Tulz: no.
Snape: oh ok then.
[opens door and walks through it. Girls give each other wicked looks and follow him in]
Snape: [sits at desk for a while, and looks at many pictures of wife and kids]
Tulz: [whispers]well this is boring…
[right on queue, Ginny walks into classroom nervously]
Ginny: uh… you wanted to see me professor?
Snape: yes. I heard you had a bit of a tiff with one of the boys from your house.
Ginny: uh yeah Harry. Since when did you care? If there's a problem, shouldn't professor McGonnagall be dealing with this?
Snape: I don't want to bother her with this petty problem. I just wanted to talk with you.
[ten minutes later]
Snape: and that is why everybody should be all happy happy lovey dovey and friends with everyone…
Ginny: [wakes up to find Snape's hand on her leg] oh sorry… um… AAAAAH! Look, I've got to... GOD… [runs out]
[snape looks dejected and leaves]
Tulz: [throws off cloak]
Em: creep.
Tulz: are you thinking what I'm thinking, Gryff?
Em: I think I am B2.
[girls trash room and leave again]
^_~
[meanwhile that evening back at the gryff common room, Ginny is complaining to Neville how all guys suck.]
Ginny: …I mean only creeps like me, and all the good ones are gay…
Neville: yeah… which works for me, but hey…
Ginny: damn you.
Neville: my grandmother already has.
Ginny: Maybe I should give up on guys altogether…
[Hermione walks past]
Ginny: hmmm… [follows her. She is also followed by two invisible girls hehehehhe]
^_~
[in Gryffindor 7th year girls' dormitory]
[outside, two yells are heard falling from a window somewhere, followed by two thumps, followed by two 'ow's, followed by the crying of two boys faced with yet another failure. Suicide is their only option. …but wait…]
Ginny: [opens door seductively] hel-lo there miss Granger…
Hermione: oh hey Gin. How are you? [oblivious, is reading a book]
Ginny: What… are you reading there… [slinks onto bed next to her, and looks over her shoulder closely]
Hermione: [blushes and slams the book]
Ginny: Kama Sutra, eh?
[Em's eyes widen. Tulz grins and contemplates 'borrowing' the book]
Hermione: it was just… um… I was inquisitive that's all.
Ginny: well I know of a lot of interesting things that you might be inquisitive about that I'm almost sure aren't in that book there… [runs fingers up Hermione's spine. Em and Tulz make themselves comfortable.]
[one hour later]
Hermione: [drags on a cigarette] that was fucking awesome.
Ginny: I'd swap two of those words around personally.
Hermione: [laughs]
[Tulz and Em leave. Both with rather … ahem… new perspectives on life]
Tulz: that was… just… weird… but strangely cool…
Em: okay, wanna go spy on somebody else?
Tulz: [grins]
^_~
[Slytherin 7th year boy's dormitory. Again.]
Draco: [is painting his toenails pink] So I take it your most recent suicide attempt didn't work?
Crabbe: [is reading ingredients on a Low Fat Peanut butter jar] Nope. Hey there's almost the same amount of fat in this as in normal peanut butter! That sucks.
Goyle: [looks up from Cosmo and adjusts towel on his head.] You know that fall really did something for my complexion… the mud worked total wonders…
[Tulz and Em enter at that statement. Yes they're still invisible.]
Crabbe: yeah I noticed a difference. Your skin seems to… glow a little today.
Harry: [is lying on his pink frilly sleeping bag clutching his teddy. He has a very large bruise on his forehead] Girls suck.
Tulz: [whispers] how does he know… I mean… shit…
Em: [gives Tulz funny looks]
Draco: I know, they only seem to be after one thing.
Ron: [walks out of bathroom with a mud mask on his face and only wearing a towel. Em smiles. Tulz gives HER funny looks.] I just wanna find someone who's willing to commit.
Draco: who understands me! [tulz glares at him]
Ron: [hugs him] If only they could just accept us!
Harry: Don't worry, we'll all find someone some day…
Draco: but… she doesn't love me! [starts crying and flees the slumber party. Tulz starts looking really guilty.] she's just using me!
Tulz: [whispers] Can we go now?
Em: it's fun and all, but we've still got the rest of the school to make fun of…
Tulz: maybe we should go back and get some sleep or something… [looks after Draco's exit]
Em: yeah okay. [heads off to Gryffindor, and Tulz …kind of… just… wanders off… in the general direction… of… well Draco.]
^_~
[The next day, Colin Creevey is walking down the hall when he suddenly bursts into song]
Colin: And I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more, just to be the annoying little kid who walked a thousand miles to take a photo of harry potter…
Tulz: …why is he singing?
Em: this is a musical now.
Tulz: Oh. …what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day… I mean, oh shit! We can't sing!
Em: yes we can.
Tulz: no I mean we caaaaaaaaan't. it's wrong1
Em: It's okay, I can promise you it's all right, you're not keeping me up all night no more, you're not here but it's ok…
Tulz: uh, Emily?
Em: yes?
Tulz: shut up! Don't wanna hear your voice, shut up!
Colin: hello Tallulah and Emily!
Em: good morning, good moooooorning, it's great to stay up late, good morning, good morning to you!
.Tulz: [thinks] oh my god I haven't slept in two days!
Em: really?
Tulz: yeah!
Em: I slept. What were YOU doing?
Tulz: do you have to ask?
Em: Draco?
Tulz: well … yeah actually now that you mention it…
Em: I am very disappointed in you.
Tulz: really?
Em: no.
^_~
[The kiiiiiiiiiiiitchen! W00t]
Dobby: cheer up Winky.
Winky: Hic!
Dobby: it's been three years, Winky.
Winky: Hic!
[well that was an interesting scene. Bye!]
^_~
[hagrid's hut, that afternoon]
[Em and Tulz have flown there on their brand new Firebolt 2030's. they aren't wearing the cloak anymore of course, but it's in em's pocket. Yes it fits. Ssshh.]
Hagrid: hello girls, been shopping?
Tulz: yes… shopping… that's a word for it…
Hagrid: you didn't… STEAL those brooms did you Tallulah?
Tulz: naaaaah just teasin' ya.
[Professor McGonagall steps out of hut wearing an apron and is followed by a two year old boy who is almost the girls' size. He toddles over to them]
Tulz: HI MRS HAGRID.
Em: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! Hide me!
[Girls fly away again. Quickly.]
^_~
[suddenly Oliver Wood and his hot accent are flying beside them.]
Em: Hi Oliver! Didn't you graduate?
Oliver: [throws a rose to Emily] I came back, just for you! I flunked all my subjects for the past four years so I could be closer to you!
[Emily is touched. No not in that way you sicko.]
Tulz: well, I'll just be over …there… oh look Draco's organizing a Quidditch practice… maybe I should go… I mean I am their Keeper after all… [flies off]
Oliver: I want to sweep you off your feet and buy you a romantic dinner somewhere.
Em: I'd rather you didn't while we were on brooms. [She lands] Okay you can now.
[Oliver picks her up and starts singing her favourite song completely out of tune. Emily is touched again.]
^_~
[one slytherin quidditch practice and ten innuendos later…]
Tulz: So Draco… I was wondering whether you wanted to … I dunno… be in a committed relationship or something. [shrugs]
Draco: [hides absolute shock and delight] really?
Tulz: yeah. I mean, you did kill your dad for me.
Draco: True. Forgot about that. [acts all manly, flexes muscles.]
Tulz: [hides drool] so yeah, we goin' steady now?
Draco: yeah okay.
[ackward moment]
Tulz: is that really any different from what we've been doing already?
Draco: we're more… open about it.
Tulz: okay.
Draco: and we're kind of obligated to each other.
Tulz: … [squirms] oh…
[another ackward moment]
Tulz: wanna go make out?
Draco: … yeah ok.
^_~
TBC