The next evening, Gordie stopped by at the McRoyan's house. Simon answered the door. "Sam's in the kitchen. We're trying to get him to make cupcakes."

"Thanks," Gordie said. He had become even quieter than usual. "But I'm here to see your sister."

"No shit!" Simon marveled. "Well, she's up in her room. I'll go get her." Running up the stairs, he yelled, "MATTIE YOU'RE WANTED!"

Gordie listened with a relieved amusement as a door upstairs burst open and Mattie barked, "It is NOT my turn to clean up after Sam! You tell Sam he can wash his own damn muffin tins!"

"We're making him bake cupcakes!" Simon said brightly.

"I don't care, I'm not his maid," she told him indignantly. "Are you leaving now?"

"Of course not, maids get paid. You're just a servant." After he'd relished in his unappreciated wit, he told her, "Sam doesn't want you to wash anything. It's Gordie that wants to see you."

"You ass goblin, why couldn't you have told me that to begin with?" Pushing him out of the way, she trampled down the stairs. "Gordie," she said breathlessly when she saw him standing alone in the front foyer. "What are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to see if you wanted to join me for a walk," he said. His knees felt like jelly. Just seeing her brought back the infatuation from when he'd first met her.

"I'm not really dressed," she said, looking down at her loose jeans and faded blue tanktop. Those were the clothes she slept in, not walked in.

"It's dark," he assured her with a smile. "No one will be able to see you. And you look nice anyway."

"Liar," she teased, returning the smile. This was the first time the two had said more than ten words hat a time to each other since March. And it was the first time they'd stood facing each other out of choice. Mattie could barely restrain herself from telling him how much she loved him and missed him. "But I'll come with you anyway."

As they walked side by side, Gordie wondered if she would allow him to take her hand. Then she stuck her hands in her pockets and he decided she probably didn't really feel like being touched. For the first few minutes, they strolled slowly through the neighborhood in silence.

Clearing his throat nervously, Gordie asked, "So are you excited about grade twelve next year?"

Shrugging her narrow shoulders, she replied, "No, not really. I don't have too many friends in my own grade and you guys are all gonna be gone."

"You're going to miss us?"

"Yeah," she said, the amazement she felt towards his stupid question clear in her voice. "What do you think?"

"Could've fooled me."

"Look, just because I haven't been the life of the party for awhile doesn't mean--"

"If you were worried about missing us then you should have been spending as much time with us as possible."

"Don't be a jerk, Gordie."

He looked over at her. Under the halo of a streetlamp, he saw Mattie as beautiful for the first time in a long time. "Toby told me what happened."

Mattie flinched. She quickened her walk, and Gordie had to pick up the pace to keep up with her. "Yeah, I told her she could," she muttered.

"At first I wanted to find him and kick his ass very painfully," Gordie continued. "But then I thought that that wouldn't help anything. I'd probably just get charged with battery or something. And you wouldn't be any less raped."

"Right," she mumbled in quiet agreement.

"What were you thinking, Mattie?" he asked, with gentle force. "I told you to stay away from him. Yet you go and climb in a car with him."

Mattie looked upset. "Don't you think I've asked myself that? I have no idea why I did what I did! It's been three months and I can't stop thinking about what I did wrong! I did everything wrong that day, I know! I didn't think about you enough, and I didn't trust my bad feelings about him enough and this is where it got me. So don't try to make me feel worse than I already do!"

"I'm not," he insisted. "I'm not."

"You are."

"I just have a lot of questions about what happened that day, I guess."

"Yeah, well, I don't have a lot of answers." She held her arms close to her body. The light wind in the spring air was a bit chilly that night. "I feel like shit, Gordie. I thought that you could make that stop."

"If you had just been honest from the beginning then maybe I could have!" he flared. "I'm your boyfriend! You said you love me! But you couldn't tell me the truth to reassure me after you'd just scared the hell out of me. I need you too Mattie, and you have not been there for me, so how can you expect me to be there for you?"

"Me be there for you when I'm the one who got raped?" she snapped. "How does that work?"

"How the fuck was I supposed to be there for you! You wouldn't even let me within five feet of you! Do you know how lonely I have been?"

"You think this was my fault!" she accused, and then barked sarcastically, "Yeah, I just begged him, Gordie, because you were lousy the night before and I wanted a real man! Good God!"

"I don't blame you!" he cried, taking a firm hold of both of her arms. "I am just trying to tell you that you haven't made this easy on me either! It's like you died, but I still had to see you every day! You might as well have been dead, because I couldn't touch you or talk to you."

"I'd rather be dead!" she shouted.

"You know what, Mattie, you just go ahead and keep on dying for the rest of your life," he hissed. "But I'm not going to sit back and watch you do it. And don't think that I'm going to save you."

"You're supposed to love me!" she cried, tears like tainted diamonds in her bright blue eyes.

"And you told me that you were going to fall in love with me, so I guess we're even!"

"I did, and that's why this hurts so much!" she yelled, yanking her arms away from his grip.

"You're too scared to let me love you to have time to fall in love with anyone," Gordie said coldly. "You've always been scared that you're not good enough for me. You can't love anyone when you think like that. You just don't understand that love is what makes you good. And if you don't think you're good, then you can't love."

"Have fun in Portland, Gordie," she said, her chin raised squarely. "Write some good ones, okay?"

"You want to say your good-byes now?" he asked incredulously.

She nodded. "You're walking out of my life right now, so I might as well say goodbye while I still can."

He kissed her forehead. "Good luck with…life, I guess. I'd walk you home but I'm supposed to be walking away from you, apparently."

Mattie watched him walk away from her until he turned the corner and was out of sight. His thin shoulders were rounded as he trudged along with his head down, making him look defenseless. She'd never loved him more than she did at that moment. She knew she wouldn't stop missing him for a long time.