As the sun pierced her tightly drawn blinds, and the morning sun fell over her face one morning about two weeks into the summer, Mattie slowly realized that this morning felt lonelier than others for a reason. Today was the day that Gordie was leaving Castle Rock for Portland, her hometown. Lying very still for a moment with her hair splayed across the pillow carelessly and her eyes locked on the ceiling, she debated whether or not she should go say goodbye to him.
No. He's already said goodbye to you. Don't make this harder.
She rolled over onto her side, suddenly feeling tired and winded, she knew that she would always feel empty and contempt for herself if she didn't. This was Gordie she was thinking about. He was the first boy she'd ever loved, the first boy she'd ever actually kissed. He meant the world to her, and if she didn't see him one last time before he went off and started his new college life that didn't include her, she wouldn't forgive herself.
But she didn't know how to even look at him. Would she hug him? Would she pat him on the shoulder and just wave goodbye? Maybe she should just phone him.
Interrupting her thoughts, the doorbell rang as if on cue. Downstairs, she listened to her brothers scramble to answer it.
"Hi!" Will and Simon both greeted their visitor in unison.
"Wow, thanks for the welcoming committee, gentlemen," Chris laughed. "Is your sister home?"
"She's still in bed," Simon said. "I'd be willing to wake her up though."
Mattie appeared at the top of the stairs. "How nice of you, Simon," she said. "Hey Chris."
"Mattie," Chris said, smiling. "Aren't you just a lovely sight in the morning."
"Yes, I'm just naturally stunning."
Laughing again, Chris nodded in agreement. "Sure. Anyway, me and Toby are driving Gordie to the train station in Eugene. It's not too far from here. I just wanted to see if you wanted to come along for the ride."
"But…Gordie's going to be there," she said.
"Keen observation, Captain Brilliant," he praised her.
"He wouldn't mind if I came?"
Chris shook his head. "Nah."
Leaning against the railing and thinking, Mattie finally said, "No."
"No?"
Thinking to herself for a long moment before she answered, she repeated, "No. I want to, Chris, but I think it would be best for Gordie just to not have to see me again."
"Mattie," Chris said in a quietly intense voice. "My best friend is waiting in that car outside. He is scared to death about having to talk to you again, but right now, it's all he wants. You know he's in love with you. You're the only thing in this town he loves that he's leaving behind. And you expect me to walk back to the car without you? You want to let him leave with a broken heart?"
"I didn't break Gordie's heart," Mattie said incredulously.
"He's feeling what you're feeling!" he exclaimed. "Tell me that it doesn't hurt like hell!"
"Shut up!" Mattie cried. "You can't lecture me about broken hearts! You've never had a broken heart! You and Toby have this stupid fucking fairy tale romance going on and you don't know anything about losing the first person you've ever loved so back the fuck off!"
"What the hell is your problem?" Chris demanded.
"I can't do it!" she cried. "I'm sorry, Chris, I don't mean to yell at you. But if I see him, I won't be able to let him go again without wanting to die."
Staring at her in disbelief, Chris asked, "You tell yourself this fucking melodramatic shit, and you actually believe it? What you just said--it's not true. You won't want to die if you have to see him again, you're going to want to die if you don't see him."
Mattie shrugged. "Yeah, well, whatever. Either way I'm dead."
"Grow up, Mattie. Stop playing the victim."
"Tell Gordie I'm sorry, but that I say goodbye. And good luck."
"He never knew you loved him," Chris said flatly, his hand on the door.
"He should've," she replied.
"You're gonna make him leave thinking that no one here loves him?"
"He can think what he wants. It's not my fault he couldn't feel what I felt for him."
"Yeah, you tell yourself that," Chris said. He pushed open the front door and made his way down the walk, careful not to step on the freshly mowed grass. Mattie tried not to look at the car, knowing she would just see Gordie's hopeful face grow disappointed when he saw Chris walking alone.
She turned and saw Will and Simon still standing in the front entrance, both staring at her with fish-eyed expressions. "Can I help you?" she asked.
"I've never heard so much swearing in all my life," Will said in impressed amazement.
"Sorry buddy," she said.
Simon looked up at her. "After Mom died, I always wondered if she knew that I loved her. And if she hadn't known, there was no way I'd be able to tell her. Did you ever feel that way?"
"Mom knew I loved her, Simon," Mattie said dismissively.
"Did Gordie?" He shrugged. "I think you should've gone. Come on, Will, I'll show you how to break stuff." They walked away, Will skipping happily at Simon's side.
Mattie burst through the front door, to see Chris' beaten up old car at a stop sign at the end of the street. She knew they were too far away, but she called Gordie's name anyway. "You moron, you knew I loved you!" she yelled.
The car turned left. In a few seconds, it was out of sight, and it wasn't until years later that she saw Gordie or Toby again. As for Chris, the next time she saw him, he was in a box.