~* Okay, so I recently heard this song and now am absolutely in love with it. It's by Del Amitri, and it's excellent, and I thought, my what a good Mondler fic this would make. And this is the first fic I've ever done in first person. It's Chandler's point of view. So please review and tell me what you thought. Thanks : ) ~*
Disclaimer: So as much I as I want to own both the characters and the song, that is never going to happen. I have come to grips with this, and have moved on.
"I'm sorry," I say one more time to her. She shakes her head. She has every reason to shake her head. I was wrong. I was a jerk. Do I tell her this? No, because, as I've said, I'm a jerk. A jerk who doesn't think before he speaks.
"I can't talk to you," she says and she is now pacing across my apartment. Her hand goes through her hair and she sighs for about the millionth time today and all I have to offer is I'm sorry.
"I'm sorry," I try again.
"I know, but it doesn't change anything," she says and turns to walk out the door. I have to stop her. I have to tell her not to go. My mouth goes dry and no words come out. She's pulling on her coat now. She's ready to leave.
"Please don't go." Her dark hair falls into her face and she doesn't brush it out like she normally would. She just looks at me through the fallen piece of hair and I can see the tears glistening in her eyes.
"Why should I stay?" It's a valid question. There is no reason for her to stay. But I can't formulate the words to tell her the reasons I think she should stay. I love her, that's the first reason. I need her, there's number two. But I know that if she wants to go, I should let her. I shouldn't try to stop her. I won't try to stop her. "Well?"
"I don't know exactly," I mumble lamely. I can never speak correctly when I'm around her. Something in my mind freezes when she walks into the room. She's beautiful, the most beautiful woman I've ever dated. Janice, ha, she wasn't half as gorgeous as Monica. Kathy? No, Monica's classier than Kathy ever was. She hasn't left yet. I suddenly realize that she's still there waiting for me to give her a compelling incentive to stay there with me. She's giving me a chance to explain. And my mind is blank. I can't form coherent sentences that sound convincing to even myself. She's too good for me. I've always known that.
"Then I should go," she says and her hand is on the doorknob.
"Monica, I..." She waits patiently for me to finish. "I didn't mean to hurt you."
"But you did," she whispers it so softly that I barely hear her.
"I know. And that's why I can't think of a single Goddamn reason that you should stay here. If I was you I would have been out the door already. But I can tell you that as me, I'm very glad that you haven't gone yet." She shakes her head again. I can see an internal battle is waging inside her. Maybe that wasn't such a bad response on my part after all. She walks over to me and cups my face in her hands. She leans in and gives me a kiss on my cheek.
"Goodbye Chandler," she whispers and walks out of the apartment.
Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her something in my mind
freezes up from time to time
I tried calling over there. Rachel wouldn't tell me where she had gone. I think to her parents', but truth be told I don't think that it would be a good idea to call them. And not only because they scare the crap out of me, or at least her mother does. But I want to tell her not to cry. I want to explain my side of things. I want to tell her that I just got scared. I want to tell her if she ever needs me that all she has to do is call me. I realize that I now sound like a cheesy love song. God, the things she does to me.
"Hey man," Joey comes into the apartment and automatically reaches for a beer. I raise my hand in response from my seat on the chair. I haven't gotten out of my sweats in the past two weeks, nor did I have any plans to.
"Watcha watching?" I glance at the television. I never turned it on. I was watching a blank screen.
"Apparently nothing," I mutter taking the remote and turning it on.
"Want to come out with us tonight?"
"No thanks," I say. I try to give him a smile. Even I know that it's a pathetic one.
"Sure?"
"Positive." I pause trying to phrase the question I want to ask just right in my head. I don't want to come off sounding too desperate. "Is Monica going out with you tonight?" Well, I don't care if I sound desperate or not. I want to know if she's okay.
"No." He doesn't elaborate. He leans back in his chair and watches the show I've turned on.
"How is she?"
"She's okay, I guess." He shrugs. "Why don't you call her?"
"I don't know where she is."
"She's at Ross's." Then his eyes get wide as he realizes he wasn't supposed to tell me and claps his hand onto his forehead. "I wasn't supposed to tell you that. They're going to kill me."
"Don't worry Joe, I won't squeal on you. Besides, I don't think it'd be a good idea for me to call over there. Ross might hurt me." Then we both laugh at the idea of Ross trying to hurt me. I hadn't laughed in awhile. It felt good to laugh. "No but seriously, I shouldn't." He nods. It's true I shouldn't call while Ross is there, but if they're all going out tonight then no one but her will be home, it'll be safe to call then.
"All right, if you're sure that you don't want to come, I'm leaving."
"Okay, have fun." Joey nods and pauses just before leaving as if he wants to ask me once more if I want to go. He shakes his head and leaves and I am alone again in the apartment.
Tell her not to cry
I just got scared that's all
Tell her I'll be by her side,
all she has to do is call
"Hello?" She answered the phone. Her voice sounds as sweet as it always does. All I want to do is to run to her and tell her that I would do anything for her. I want to hold her in my arms.
"Monica?" I hear silence on the other end and I am afraid that she is going to hang up on me. "Please don't hang up."
"Who told you that I was here?"
"Does it matter?"
"I don't want to talk to you," she tells me.
"I know, but I need to talk to you."
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"What could you possibly have to say Chandler?"
"I'm sorry."
"You've said that already."
"But I really mean it Monica."
"Just like you meant it the last time and the time before that and the time before that?"
"Mon...I...it wasn't what you thought."
"Then what was it? Because I saw a girl there and I saw you flirting and you kissed her, Chandler. You kissed her." It was true. Whether or not I initiated or not, it ended up in a kiss. The thing was that I didn't start it, she did. Her name was...God, I don't even remember her name. That's how little it meant to me. But it meant so much. It cost me so much.
"Okay, but she kissed me first Monica," it was a lame try.
"Well, that changes everything doesn't it?" Sarcasm, I know it well. I use it all the time, she's been around me too much. No, not nearly enough. She hasn't been around me nearly enough. I can hear her sigh on the other end of the line. I can hear her start to cry. I know that it's because of me that she's crying and that makes me want to bang my head against a wall, or something equally hard.
"No, it doesn't change anything," I admit. "Things weren't going great between us and I....let her crush on me get out of hand."
"So it's my fault that things weren't great between us?" She asks her voice struggling to keep even.
"No. It wasn't your fault, or at least not completely," I can feel a headache coming on.
"You know what Chandler? I really didn't need you calling today and telling me what went wrong in our relationship. You kissed another girl. Period. End of discussion." With that I hear the phone slam down and I get the dial tone. I sigh and slump back into my chair. That went well.
Tell her the chips are down
I drank too much and shouted it aloud
Tell her something in my heart
Needs her more than even clowns
need the laughter of the crowd
I've always been afraid of commitment. I can't help it. I've never known a relationship that lasted. So why would I trust anything like marriage or anything that involved two people committing to each other? Look what happened to my parents. Cause they worked out so well. I wanted to explain this to Monica. I mean, she's known me forever, she should know, but she doesn't. Or at least, I think that she doesn't. I didn't mean to kiss that girl, I honestly didn't. I was telling the truth when I said that things between Monica and myself were less then par. Okay, we hadn't slept together in over two weeks. That for us, is a long time. That for any man is a long time. And then Lauren (her name was Lauren. I remembered her telling me that she was almost a Laura instead. I also remember being extremely bored), well she thought I was cute, and then one thing led to another and she kissed me. And as lips were meeting and I was committing the hugest mistake of my life, Monica walked into my office. She had wine in one hand and a key in the other to a hotel room in the Plaza. She wanted to surprise me, she had thought that it was a good way to start over again. The look in her eyes when she saw me. Betrayal, hurt, and anger all at once.
"Monica!" I yelled in surprise pushing Lauren off me. "I can explain. I know this looks bad but..."
"Save it," she interrupted. She turned to Lauren and if looks could kill, well, Lauren would be six feet under and rotting. Then she stormed out of the building. I wanted to rationalize with her. It was just a kiss, I wanted to say. It wasn't as if I had slept with her. I wasn't Ross. But Rachel had explained to me Monica's point of view.
"A kiss is worse," she said.
"Why?'
"So many things happen in a kiss. You can fall in love with a kiss, you can lose a love with a kiss."
"To me, a kiss means nothing," I told her.
"You're a guy though."
"Well, shouldn't Monica realize that?"
"Chandler, you hurt her. She's not going to be won over by telling her that she's upset over nothing. That'll just make her more upset." She had a point. It was also pointed out to me that I knew nothing about women. I tried writing a letter, but she sent it back. I tried calling, but she had Rachel answer the phone and if Rachel wasn't home, she screened her calls. Then she told me that she needed to think away from her apartment across the hall.
"I can feel you in there, I can feel you everywhere," she told me. "I can't deal with it." So she packed up and went to Ross's. Not very far, but I didn't point that out. I was in enough trouble as it was. I was ready, I wanted to tell her. I was ready for commitment. It made me realize that I couldn't live without her. I wasn't afraid. I wasn't afraid of any of it. But when I called, I couldn't manage to get those words out. My brain stopped and all I could say was that it was her fault that I had done it and besides, it hadn't been my fault that I kissed someone else. God, I'm such an asshole.
Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think too much
but say nothing at all
And tell her from this high terrain
I am ready now to fall
She went home the next day after I called. I guess she figured I knew where she was anyway. But it was okay. Because I had a plan. A foolproof plan on winning her heart. Okay, not so foolproof, but it had to work, because I couldn't lose her. Not on something so dumb as a kiss with a woman named Lauren or was it Laura? Oh what the hell, I forget. That's not the point. I was going to be a knight in shining armor, I was going to win or die trying. I got a book of quotes and began writing the ones about love out on tiny slips of paper. I talked Rachel into letting me into the apartment and began to leave them up everywhere. I left them on her pillows and taped to the mirror in the bathroom. In the book she was reading and in her dresser drawer, and in the kitchen all over the place. Then I took the two dozen roses I had bought and scattered the rose petals all over the bed and spelled out the words I'm sorry.
Who wouldn't love me?
I would win. I had to win. There was no way that she wouldn't love this. It was heartfelt, it was homemade, and had taken time and thought. It would work. It had to work. What if it didn't?
She would hate it. And then, by association, hate me.
Crap, crap, crap. I need to get back in there, I need to take them all down. She's going to hate it. Crap, she's home. There's no time to get in there and fix this. So I wait nervously by the door. I hear a knock and she's standing there in front of me.
"How dare you!" She says and I cringe. She hated it.
"I'm sorry," I say.
"You didn't let me finish," and I can see for the first time, a glimmer of a grin on her face. "How dare you go into my panty drawer." Then she smiles. A beautiful smile. "I'll forgive you though." Those words are so perfect.
I'll forgive you.
"Seriously?"
"That was really sweet Chandler," and she leans in and kisses me. I am euphoric. Then she pulls away. "This doesn't fix everything."
"I know."
"I mean we have to still work on the trust issue and communication..."
"I know." I interrupt her with another kiss.
"Want to know my favorite quote?" She asks breathlessly.
"Which one?" I ask.
"'In love there is no simple fix. Sometimes you just have to hang on...and lead with your heart,'" she quotes.
" The Wonder Years," I say placing it.
"It was a good one," she says. "But it wasn't the one that made me come over here."
"Then by all means which one was it?"
"It was the one in my panty drawer," she says mischievously. "Gandhi. 'The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.'" She pauses. "You know I hate to think I'm weak at all." I laugh and kiss her again. It feels so good, so right.
"Monica?" I whisper.
"Yes?" It was time to tell her everything that I needed to tell her.
"All I want to do for the rest of my life is kiss you," I say honestly. "I want you to stay here forever. And I'm sorry that sometimes I don't always say the right thing or do the right thing, but I'll try. I'll try so hard." She's crying now. I didn't mean to make her cry. Oh God, I'm such a screw up.
"Chandler, that was the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me." And with that she pulls my arm and pulls me towards the bedroom which shuts with a resounding thud.
Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her nothing if not this
all I want to do is kiss her
Tell her something in my mind
Freezes up from time to time
~* Ahhh! I love that song!!!!! Okay, please review, because I think that I might write a second chapter picking up with Monica's point of view. But only if you think that it's worth continuing, or want to see it continued. Okay, I'm done rambling now. Review! ~*