ANSWERS & DECISIONS
Two days later, there had been no change in Donovan's condition. Loralei left Farron in charge of Donovan as she left to run a few errands. Her first stop was the university. She went to President Metzger's office and handed him her letter of resignation. She wouldn't continue here. Mord had taken away too much from her and her family. After leaving the office, she drove downtown toward Angie's. It was time to retrieve the kids and take them home. Their Aunt Kara had volunteered to sit with the children. When she saw her children, she hugged Rachel close to her before cradling her son against her. God, she had missed them. She could only imagine how her husband felt. Soon enough, he would see them again, even if she had to sneak them inside his hospital room. She loaded the kids in the car and drove them back to the hospital where Kara was waiting. Although she appeared utterly exhausted, Kara took to the task of sitting with the children as if she had the energy of ten women. She left with both babies in tow. She and Farron need to have a child, Loralei thought. They really do. She found her way back to her husband's room and noticed that he was sleeping again. Farron nodded toward her, and he took the unspoken hint and left them alone. Donovan's doctors were trying to keep him quiet and calm. Her husband had spent a good portion of the last two days ignoring her or sleeping. He had trouble facing her and kept his head turned away. It hurt. Whenever she tried to speak to him, he would beg off, stating that he was too tired. His behavior almost startled her, but she remained steadfast.
Donovan came awake slowly. He had refused an injection earlier. There was no way he wanted to stay zoned out of his mind. However, he was very tired and could easily sleep without it. He sensed his wife's presence before he even laid eyes on her. At that moment, he couldn't look at her. He was mired in self-pity. It was something he couldn't help. He hadn't doubted for one second that the paralysis was permanent. He thought of his body and was disgusted. He had lost almost all function and machines were taking care of his basic needs, those he rarely thought about doing. He just did them. Would she want him like this? How could she want him like this? He was almost as helpless as his infant son. Was that what she wanted? A grown man reduced to infancy? She deserved better, deserved more. He couldn't put her through this. It pained him to have these horrid thoughts rushing through his mind, but he couldn't help it. If he couldn't be the husband he wanted, the father he needed to be, they would all be better off without him. It was irrational, but the only thought feasible in his mind right now. Two days had been enough time to receive the proper answers. The longer they waited, the more he was convinced of his condition. It was over. His life had been spared, but only to cause more pain, and the end of his marriage. He would have rather died. You're feeling sorry for yourself, Donovan. Fuck off. He closed his eyes again, hoping that Loralei hadn't detected the slight fluttering motion of his eyes. She wasn't stupid. He knew she had seen him, but would she speak? She had tried to get inside him for the past two days, and he had shoved her away repeatedly. She was stubborn and persistent. He had been vaguely appreciative of that behavior in the past, but he now found it annoying rather than endearing. They were only delaying the inevitable. She loved him, he knew that, and she would remain by his side for as long as it took, but he was afraid she would come to resent him, to resent the half man he had become. He couldn't live with that idea, either. He considered what he wanted to say for a very long time. It was a simple four-word sentence that was more of a demand, actually. He thought he would never hear himself say it in his lifetime, not to Loralei, but the words bubbled up to the surface, bubbled up and spilled over like boiling acid.
"I want a divorce," he said.
His words spilled forth so suddenly, she wasn't sure she had actually heard them correctly. Surely she had hallucinated the whole thing. He hadn't actually asked for a divorce, had he? Had he? She wanted to see his eyes on that one, but he had turned his head away from her again. "Frank? What did you say?"
He hated the fucking wrist braces. If he could ever have them removed just once… Please don't make me say it again. I don't know if I could live through it. Shit. He bit down on his bottom lip. To his chagrin, he noticed that it was quite sore and a bit swollen. He had been chewing on it a lot for the past two days. "I want a divorce," he spat emphatically as if he were speaking to child. "I won't say it again."
Her hand flew up to her mouth. She kept it there for the briefest of moments. "A divorce? Frank? What the hell? Why? Because of this? Because of what happened? Damn it, Frank." She wanted to scream, shout, and cry at the same time. "You don't speak to me for two days straight and when you do, you drop this bombshell? Tell me why. Give me a damn good reason."
"Isn't what you see reason enough," he asked, his voice low and severe.
"Frank, what I see is the man I love acting like a jackass. Do you think for one moment I care what condition your body is in? Do you think that will make me love you any less? Do you? Do you think that will make your children love you any less? What kind of wife would I be if I deserted you? No Frank, I won't divorce you. Don't ever say that word in my presence again."
"This is not optional, there are no choices here. I know what I want and what I need, and right now, it's a complete break from this marriage. You can't live with me like this, and I can't stand the thought of burdening you for the rest of your life. I won't do it. I won't ever let that happen. How the hell do you expect me to chase after the kids like this? I can't do it to you or them. I'm useless to you all. I can't ever imagine never making love to you again, not like I want. I have absolutely no control over my body, don't you understand? I can't, Loralei, I can't. Make it easy on yourself. Leave now while you can, while I have the courage to do this."
She shook her head, completely convinced she was dreaming the whole thing. "No."
He clenched his fists feebly within the braces. How could he make her understand? What would it take? How many times during their relationship had he literally roared at her? He could probably count them on one hand. "Get out, Loralei," he said. "Get out now," he yelled. He couldn't shove her away with his hands, so he would use words instead. "Get out."
She didn't want to leave him, not while his irrationality was running so rampant, but his face was reddening due to the strain, and despite what he thought, there was still a chance that he would regain sensation at any time. On weakened, shaky legs, she left his room. What the hell was she going to do? It was as if she thought he was dead all over again. Confused and more than devastated, she stumbled down the hall toward the waiting room. It had emptied considerably in the past two days. Only Cody and Farron remained. The rest of the team had gone back to the nest. Curiously, the two men watched as Loralei walked into the room, resembling a shell-shocked soldier. She didn't seem to know where she was going or where she had been. In fact, she smacked right into Cody as if she hadn't noticed him at all. She rebounded quickly, apologizing distractedly. Both men watched as she collapsed to the hard couch. Taking the initiative first, Farron approached his sister in-law and sat down beside her. He noticed that she had wrapped her arms around herself again and rocked inconsolably. She hadn't acted like this since first coming to the hospital when she thought her husband was dead.
"Loralei? What's wrong," Farron asked.
She looked into his chocolate brown eyes, so like his brother's, yet so different. "It's Frank, Farron. He…he…" Her words dried up for a moment as she tried to gather her wits. She still had trouble dealing with what just happened between her and Donovan. "He's been ignoring me for two days, shutting me out, and I went along with that. I know how hard it's been for him, but…uh God." She wiped her tears out of her eyes. She couldn't do this. Couldn't fall apart during her husband's temporary insanity. "He started talking crazy, talking like I'd desert him. He wants to divorce me, Farron, divorce me because he doesn't want to burden me." She exhaled deeply, calming down just a bit. "Burden me? What does he mean? He's never a burden. Damn it. Never! He wants to walk away from the kids and me just like that, because he doesn't think we want him like he is. What the hell is he thinking?"
His stubborn, stubborn brother. He could not see the gifts before him. He remembered when Frank had spoken to him before he had gotten the guts to propose to Kara. How could the man back then speak so passionately about a woman only to shove her away as if she were nothing to him? His stubborn prick brother. How could he hurt his wife so much? He had made many stupid mistakes when he first met Kara, and he could never imagine hurting her like that again, hurting her like Loralei was hurt. "I'll go see him. Maybe I should have my own heart to heart with him, eh?"
She shook her head. "He won't listen to you, Farron. I don't think he'll listen to anyone."
"All I can do is try. Let me see if I can redeem myself more, huh," he asked with a gentle smile.
Donovan looked up as his room door came open. He was readying to scream out again, because he expected his visitor to be Loralei. Instead, he was greeted with the face of his twin. He had no patience for his brother, either. Why wouldn't they leave him alone? Why wouldn't they allow him to wallow until he grew sick of the stench? He closed his eyes and decided to will himself to sleep. Perhaps if Farron thought he was out, he'd go away. As he listened to his brother shuffling around the room, he realized that there was no way in hell he intended to go away, not now, not for a while. However, that was fine with him. He could ignore Farron as easily as he had ignored his wife [was that easy]. Farron dragged Loralei's chair over to the bedside. Impatiently, he leaned over the railing on the hospital bed. He watched Donovan for several minutes. He knew his brother was awake, why was he hiding? He was utterly stubborn and could sometimes be as dumb as a brick.
"I know you're faking," Farron began amusedly. "I saw you look up. You've hurt your wife beyond reason. You realize that, don't you?" Nothing. Donovan continued to ignore, ignore, ignore. Farron shook his head and smiled ever so bitterly. "Okay. If you must play this game, I can play along. I was once pretty damn good at games, wasn't I? If you won't talk to me, I'll talk to you. I have your complete attention." He sighed a little and adjusted his position just the slightest bit. "You're a goddamn idiot, Frank. That woman would die for you. You have two of the most beautiful children I have ever seen, and yes I'm biased since they are my nephew and niece. You want to throw it all away because of an unexpected setback? I never took you for a coward. I thought that was my role within this family, but you've claimed it and made it your own, haven't you?" Nothing. Donovan's face was rigid and blank. "So go ahead and divorce your wife, tear apart the stability of your home, hurt your children, do whatever it takes to meet your selfish need. I've thrown away a lot of opportunities that fell into my lap because I didn't want it. I saw what you had with your wife and your children, and I longed for the same. Thank God I came to my senses and found Kara. Wake up. Don't turn her away, not when you need each other the most." When that didn't shake his brother, Farron stood and sighed heavily. Loralei had been right. He wasn't listening to anyone. "I'll leave you, but before I go out to see the wreck you've made of your wife, I want you to consider one thing. Remember the story you told me about Loralei's shooting? About the night she nearly died before you told her you loved her? Remember that? If you can turn her away after that, you are a cold, cold man. You didn't give up on her then, why would you do it now?"
He literally threw up his hands in defeat. Nothing could be done. He supposed his stubborn brother had made up his mind. Farron moved toward the door. With his back turned, he didn't see the bitter trickle of tears touching Donovan's cheeks. He couldn't reach up to brush them away, so they fell freely. He listened as his brother drew nearer and nearer toward the door. In a few short seconds, he would be gone. Part of him wanted to let him go. He would simply move forward with his plans and end his marriage without a second thought. The other part, the one dominating him, cried out to his brother, to his wife. His body was so messed up and his mind muddled, he didn't know what the hell he wanted. He was scared and definitely didn't like that feeling. He had never liked it. Donovan heard the soft whishing sound the door made as it came open. It was now or never.
"Farron, wait," Donovan called, his weakened voice now choked with tears. Farron stopped at the door, allowing it to close behind him. "I need her," he said softly. "I need her, but she can't live with me like this. I can't live with her. She needs more, deserves more."
Farron approached the bedside again. "Stop thinking so damn much. Stop analyzing every damn thing in your life. Your wife has her own mind, her own wants, needs, and desires. I'm sure she has shared them with you. Let her decide when she has had enough. Don't make that decision for her. Don't throw it away. Embrace her, Frank. Take her and embrace her. Don't be stupid; don't do what I did for years and years. You don't want to end up like I was, do you? You have two choices right now. I can walk out and you can proceed with your insane plan to divorce her, or I can go out there, tell her to come to you, and you can tell her you love her, that you were wrong. I cannot make this decision for you."
Would she even consent to seeing him after he had spoken to her so harshly? God. He felt lower than low. "Send her if she'll come to me," he said.
Without a word, Farron moved away from his brother's bedside and he made his way out the door. He laid in wait, but he wasn't sure for how long. If she didn't come to him, he couldn't blame her. He had been a shit, an evil shit, and if she walked out right then and there, he'd understand. Why had he allowed his self-pity to get the better of him? He fell asleep waiting.
When he awoke, it was dark. He'd been asleep for hours. Loralei had gone back to her customary seat close to the bedside. What could he say to her? He had hurt her so very badly. It was written in her eyes, on her face, and in her body language. Jesus. Had he ever hurt her so badly before? Just hours ago, he couldn't look at her, he had demanded a divorce, and now, he couldn't tear his eyes off her. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I never wanted to throw you away."
"It felt that way," she whispered back, hurt incredibly. "It seemed as if our entire relationship never mattered to you."
"Baby, it means everything to me. I just didn't want you to be unhappy, to have regrets because of this."
"Unhappy," she said incredulously. "Unhappy? You nearly died for me and you think I'd become unhappy?"
"I love you, Loralei. I can't live without you."
* * *
Donovan awoke with a start. Something had tweaked him, pricked him. He was almost certain that his leg had jerked. Impossible. He hadn't been able to move his leg in two days. He waited for it to happen again. He glanced at Loralei. She had fallen asleep in the uncomfortable chair. "Loralei," he called. "Loralei. Wake up."
She came awake suddenly, terror entering her. "What? Is something wrong?"
"I don't know," he said. "Watch my right leg. I think it twitched."
She stared intently at his legs. Had it twitched or had he dreamt it? It didn't move again, but another idea came to mind. If his leg twitched, he would feel her hand upon it. She reached over and ran her hand along his leg. "Do you feel it?"
He nodded. "Yes. Thank God. Yes."
* * *
Loralei and Donovan stood in front of the Central office. The arm around Loralei's waist tightened. She looked up at him. His face was a bit pained, but his expression was determined. It had been three weeks since his release from the hospital, and he had healed beautifully. After the sensation returned in his leg, different parts of his body began to regain feeling little by little. Eventually, the wrist braces were removed, and he had never felt more grateful. Finally, after several days, he touched his wife, and held her in his arms. The first time he kissed her, it seemed as if he had touched heaven, and he didn't doubt that he had. He didn't remember much about his experiences in triage, but every now and then, he'd awaken from a dream with the name 'Wenona' just behind his lips. Some day soon, he would tell Loralei about her. Perhaps it would offer her comfort on the nights she was haunted by her own nightmares. His lost child had led him back into the arms of his family, and he would never forget that. Every night, he embraced his children and held them close, relishing their innocence and unconditional love. He was more than happy to allow Rachel to shampoo her hair [and his as well] with a mashed banana now and again, more than happy to comfort his wailing infant son. What he'd nearly lost was regained, and he made a few decisions that would have to be dealt with. A fall that should have killed him didn't, and they both counted their lucky stars on a nightly basis. For all their bitching about the fall rains, Loralei was more than grateful and would never complain about it again.
"Babe, are you sure about this," Loralei asked.
He nodded before looking down at her. "Yes, very much so. When I fell, all I could think about was you and the children. I never want to come that close to losing you again. Two close calls are enough, Loralei. At this point, I think quitting is the best thing for me to do. I'm sick of putting my family in jeopardy and I'm tired of arguing with Shoemaker."
Before they climbed the stairs [Shoemaker was expecting them], she leaned up and kissed his cheek. "Why don't you think about it first? Take some time off; let's get away for a while, so you can think. Put off your decision until then. Make sure before you jump in."
He smiled a little, so very appreciative of her support. God, had he ever loved her more? "My mind is made up, but I'll think about it before I make a final decision. Where would you like to go?"
"Somewhere warm, tropical, and private. And you?"
"Wherever you are, that's where I'll be."