R e d S e a

Part Two

Omi stepped outside of their trailer and stretched out leisurely, smiling to no one in particular. He could feel the sun showering him with life. 'Oi, Ken-kun, come on out, the day's just beautiful.'

From nowhere came the reply, 'Yeah I know!'

'Eh?'

'Up here!' Ken yelled, laying spread-eagled at the roof of the trailer. With his eyes shut, he could see nothing but the colour of blood in his eyelids. 'I'm gonna get a taaaaaan!'

'You're just going to burn yourself.' Omi snorted, then laughed. 'Come down, we're going to open the shop soon.'

'Wait till Youji gets back.'

Omi blinked. Youji wasn't in the trailer? Did he go out again last night? Oh... 'Where did he go? It's almost noon now.'

There was a groan, and then Ken hopped down from the roof. 'He said he didn't want to sleep with three other guys. 'Nuff said.'

Ken didn't want to sound as if he didn't care. If he didn't he wouldn't have talked to Youji the night before. But when it was so obvious that Youji didn't want to share his burden, what could he do? He talked to him like a friend would; he shouted at him like a friend would, yet Youji didn't listen. And normally Youji wasn't like that. He would turn a deaf ear several times just to drive Ken mad, but not to this extent.

Ken and Omi turned when they heard the mechanical noises of the back door being opened. Ran narrowed his eyes as sunlight flooded into their flower stockroom, held a hand up to shield his eyes and stepped out. 'Where's Youji?'

'Er, he said he's got a date.' Omi smiled sheepishly, hurrying over to help take the larger plants out to let them photosynthesise. 'He should be back soon, huh?'

'When he says that, he ends up being in a pub.' Ran murmured, tying the apron around his waist and telling himself that Youji was beyond help. 'Ken, go check him out. The town's small, there should be no more than two pubs here. Be back by three, we want to get to Tokyo before dark.'

'... Okay. Anything else?'

'Have you got cash on you?'

'About 3000 yen.'

'Here.' Ran threw his wallet over. 'You might need it.'

Ken looked at the wallet in his hands, then at Ran. Shrugging, he let the other two tend the shop and left for Youji.

To a certain extent, Ran knew he was the luckiest one out of the four of them. With Aya-chan now working in Koneko no Sumu Ie, Ran had nothing to worry about and no one to avenge for. Instead of losing something like the other three had, Ran regained his sister after joining Weiß and now except for occasionally mourning for his parents, there really wasn't anything that could depress him.

A twisted form of survivor's guilt rose in him whenever he saw his friends suffered from their losses in Weiß. It felt like it was up to him to fix them up again because the others were only broken dolls trying to pick up their shattered pieces with their cracked hands. But Ran was no skilled craftsman and sometimes he feared that he would do more damage than good. He couldn't socialise, couldn't use correct words to console even himself, so how could he help anyone else?

'Oi Aya, Youji owes you 7000.' Ken sat down beside Ran. He began wiping off the sweat from the unusual exercise of half dragging, half carrying a fully grown - not to mention much taller than him - man into the trailer. He wondered how Ran did that a couple of times without complaining.

'You know what? He called me "Aya", must've thought I was you, huh? He slurred some apologies... something like "uh... Aya, sorry I just... need to drink and forget..." Wonder what he means?'

'Troubles with women, perhaps.' Ran replied in monotone.

This was one of the things he could never, even if he tried, help his friends with. He watched them break with the deaths of Kase, Neu and Ouka, and witnessed their slow recovery - if there had been any recovery - and felt completely powerless. That was their own struggle, just like Aya's private battle with her coma. and Ran just could not step in. He wished he could.

Just how deeply did Youji love Neu that he suffered so much because of it? Ran saw it, felt it, but could not understand it. It seemed to be a fire that gave Youji life, yet gradually burned him to death.

Ran wished he knew how that would feel.

'How long will it take to get to Tokyo?'

When Ken asked 'when will I able to find love' all that time ago, Ran asked himself the same question silently.

He loved Tomoe Sakura. At least he thought he loved her. But did he, a man who killed, deserve her? Ran couldn't even tell if he only saw Sakura as a substitute for Aya, and he knew it would only be unfair for her if he kept her close to him. Looking back, Sakura never made him feel that they needed each other. Ran knew he didn't love her enough. Love shouldn't be like that.

'Ayaaaaaaaa, did you hear me?'

'We're in Tokyo now. The outskirts of it.'

Love should be when you just want to be with each other for as long as you can and give what you can give, right? Ran shook his head. He didn't know what love was. But he doubted if anyone knew, either. Not even Youji.

'Youji-kun's asleep.' Omi knocked on the little window on the door to catch Ken's attention.

'He was already asleep when I carried him in!'

Omi smiled uneasily. 'Well... I think it's time we really sit down and talk about things. Do you think Youji-kun will mind?'

Ken put his palms behind his head. 'Why don't you ask him?' He shrugged, then added, 'He apologised earlier though, I guess that's a good sign.'

'Well then, we'll talk after we have dinner.'

Youji didn't mean to grab the mug.

'That's enough, Youji! We aren't having this from you anymore!'

He didn't mean to lift his arm.

'Youji-kun, please! We aren't trying to judge you but to help you!'

And he didn't mean to throw it.

He stood affixed to the ground as the white mug slipped from his grasp, contacted with the floor and shattered into pieces. Asuka's Tokyo University mug became nothing but sharp pieces of porcelain that cut open his friend's skin, leaving a deep gash on Omi's left leg.

Youji stayed frozen as Omi silently pressed onto the wound to stop the bleeding. The last item he had of her, the last trace of Asuka was gone and he was the one to destroy it. Again.

So at the end, that was all there was to it. He was just a fool who destroyed everything he loved because his passion would not allow even the concept of betrayal. He killed Neu not because of what he had to do but...

When one holds onto something to himself too tightly, it would only break under the pressure.

'Omi, I - '

Did Asuka hurt him, or was he hurting himself? And how many people had he hurt in the process?

Omi glanced at him, then walked into the washroom without a word.

'You've always been the listener, Youji, but why won't you listen to us this time?' Sighing, Ken rushed after Omi to see to the bleeding.

Youji allowed himself to sit beside the pieces that were the mug which Asuka loved. Even though he let Ran use it, he still treasured it like a child. 'It's just broken glass now...'

'It's just a mug.' Came Ran's reply as he went to the coffee machine at the kitchenette.

'But it...' It was Asuka's favourite mug.

'Still, it's just a mug.' Ran crouched down before Youji with a steaming cup of caffeine. He knew who the item belonged to, but what was dead, was dead. 'Nowhere as important as those who live.'

The taller man managed a little smile at his friend's unusual gesture of kindness and accepted the drink. What Ran said had a point but it wasn't as if he would ever understand that mind numbing pain when he knew he would never get out of Asuka's shadows. In every woman, he saw her. And he strangled every one of them out of habit, out of hatred, out of love. How could he even hope for anyone to understand? If he explained to them what was happening, it would only be admitting to himself that his sanity had died with Neu.

'I didn't mean to do that, Aya.' Youji whispered, his gaze fixed on the pieces on the floor. 'I didn't mean to.'

His companion replied with his silence. For once, Ran knew that he did not need to make a response - that just by being there, he had helped. He had learnt about this companionship from Weiß, his family and his friends, over the years. May be one day, he could return this gift they had offered so unreservingly to him. May be today was the day.

May be, this time, he could make a positive difference.

He was a man who never knew how to let go.

Youji knew he could never let go of Asuka - he owed her this much. The name of justice was merely a pretty disguise, a silver screen that hid his greed, his vengefulness, and his inability to acknowledge that Asuka was no longer his, that Asuka was no more and there was only Neu. Youji could not accept that Neu had taken the place of the woman he had loved, and wronged, in his carelessness back in his PI days.

In other words, he killed Neu because he wanted to.

'Pretty damn right. And Asuka dies with me.'

In the utter silence of the trailer, Youji heard the voice like a soft caress at his ear. He spun around, looking for the source of the voice, even though he knew who it had to be.

There was no one.

Youji reached for his bottle of rum - they had insisted that if he had to drink, he stayed in the M-CAT - and realised, as his fingers wrapped around the bottleneck, that his arm was shaking.

'What are you so afraid of, Youji?'

He heard her clearly. He could even feel the cold breath touching the back of his neck, and felt the fine hairs there rising because of it. He wished the liquor would calm his nerves. Bringing the bottle to his trembling lips, he reassured himself that he was hallucinating.

'Is that the way you deal with guilt, Youji? You're lame.'

Youji closed his eyes firmly, wishing the voice would go away. 'Get away, Asuka.'

Footsteps. 'The name's Neu. Open your eyes, bastard.'

The rum bottle slipped from his grip when he did as he was told, and it shattered the way Asuka's mug did not long ago. There she was, the woman Youji knew, standing before him in her combat outfit minus the eye shield. A 3-dimensional image that seemed slightly discoloured. Asuka, Kyoko, Neu, whatever the name, it was her, the same person, looking down at him with her hands on her hips.

'Get away? Yeah, you wanted that, didn't you? You fucking killed me so that you didn't have to acknowledge your ugly self. But after all this, don't you think I deserve a major Come Back, like they always do in novels?'

'What... what the...'

Neu frowned and bent forward, bringing her face close to Youji's. Her tone was amused and angered at the same time. 'Don't tell me not one single person out of all those you've killed come back for you.'

To this, Youji suddenly laughed bitterly. Come back for him? He never believed in the supernatural. Perhaps it was time to change. 'You've come to take me? To the damnnest pits of Hell, right? Go on, I probably deserve it.'

Both of them turned when they heard quiet footsteps - most likely from feet wearing soft slippers. Neu frowned again, and crossed her arms before her chest. 'Not exactly. But we'll talk more about that next time. I promise.'

The moment Neu's voice, together with her seemingly projected image, faded completely, the door leading to the sleeping cabins opened. 'Youji-kun?'

'Sorry, did I wake you?'

A faint outline in the dark became a solid person as Omi, followed by Ran, walked towards Youji. 'Were you on the phone? I heard you talking.'

Uneasily, Youji ducked a little and shrugged. 'Just talking to myself. Hey... how's your leg?'

Youji could see through the act Omi tried to put up, pretending that it didn't hurt. 'What... oh you mean this? No big deal. Done worse on missions.' Omi smiled, indicating his bandaged leg. 'Are you making a habit of throwing things?'

Like a soundless presence, Ran had already moved over to collect the pieces of broken rum bottle. He grimaced at the intense smell of alcohol as he crouched down. He never liked alcohol very much.

'Uh, it just slipped.' Youji scratched his head a little, then went to help Ran. 'It really is time I get a grip on things.' He laughed at the bad pun.

To that, Ran looked up. 'I think you owe Omi a promise on this.'

'Promise?' Youji shook his head, letting his wavy hair tumble down and cover his face as he gathered the sharp pieces.

... we'll talk more about that next time. I promise.

No, Youji would not make promises he didn't know if he could keep. Now, not knowing what the future held for him - who does? - Youji knew only one thing: 'I don't make promises.'

If he ever make a promise, it would be promising himself that he would never make another promise.

Youji vowed to himself that he would protect Asuka, and twice she died in front of him, once even by his own hands. If one could not even keep his vow for the person he loved the most, what kind of a man was he?

'But you will try your best, Youji-kun?' Omi decided not to ask for the reasons for Youji's last statement. If Youji wanted to tell them, then he would even if they didn't ask. 'Right?'

'... Yeah.'

Youji had fallen asleep. He said, whilst Ran went to throw away the broken glass safely, that Ran should get him a cloth and he would mop up the alcohol on the floor. But when Ran came back with said cloth, Youji was fast asleep like a child on the couch, his breathing shallow but even, shown by the slight rise and fall of his chest.

Perhaps Youji drank so that he could sleep. Perhaps he drank so that he would stop thinking about whatever that was causing him the pain.

Sighing silently, Ran cleaned up the rest of the mess and sat on the floor beside the couch.

The man should know better than relying on alcohol, no? Youji should know that after drinking, a man would only think too much and feel too acutely. Ran knew it, because he too had once immersed himself into this cycle of drinking and hurting after his family was attacked. He remembered the feeling, remembered the days he would leave his shelter just to feel light drizzles of rain on his skin that made him feel, for once, alive. He understood Youji's want of getting away, for vanishing into the darkness where nobody could find him. And he also knew that at the bottom of all this, he wished someone had reached out despite his refusal for help, like a trapped kitten scratching, out of fright, the hand of one who wanted to help him.

Maybe if someone did lift him out of the quicksand, he would never have been sucked into this never-ending cycle of torment.

Youji had helped him somewhat. Everybody in Weiß did in one way or another. They all kept him sane. They showed him the difference between life and death, proved to him his self value and even though they could not pull him up, he did not sink further into his assumed sin.

Ran found himself talking to the air, to his sleeping friend.

'Who is the trapped kitten now? You or me?'

Before he realised it, he was touching Youji's face with the back of his hand, pushing away the bangs.

'Are you going to let me help you, or are you going to climb this cliff on your own until you exhaust yourself and fall, so that I can no longer reach you?'

Expectedly, but disappointingly, silence was the answer.

[onto part 3]