Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 is an original MGM, Greenburg/Anderson, Gekko, Top Secret, Kawoosh! production. Any material relating to Stargate SG-1 is for entertainment only, and is in no way meant as an infringement on copyrights. In other words, I own nadda.
*
*
*
It probably said a lot about their relationship that for the first few minutes after he'd walked through the door, all they did was stare at each other.
That was it.
The awkwardness was familiar. In the weeks shortly after the armbands mess, they'd avoided each other like crazy, all the while aware that no one knew exactly why they were so jumpy. Their reports had been carefully worded, avoiding all mentions of near-declarations and near-suicides as the two had faced each other over the forcefield.
Sam wanted to move forward, towards him. She wanted to put her arms around him and for him to do the same to her. She wanted more than anything to do that.
She just couldn't. Something stopped her, the same damn something that always stopped her from physically expressing her feelings for him.
So, instead, she watched him, taking in every inch of his presence. He had a holdall over his shoulders, the brown leather of the bag merging into the soft brown leather of his jacket. There was a grocery bag under his other arm and from the top she could see a prominently displayed bag of chips. His hair was messy, his eyes were dark, and he seemed to have lost weight around his face.
He looked wonderful.
Again, more than anything, she wanted to walk forward and put her arms around him. To see if he felt as good as he looked. For the time being, that was as far as her fantasies went, but experience told her that would change quickly.
Tentatively, Sam reached out with arms towards the bag. '' I'll put the groceries away.''
He nodded slightly and handed over the bag without their hands or arms brushing. His holdall slid down his arm and dropped down onto the floor with a loud thump and Sam backed away from him. Actually putting the groceries away seemed beyond her. She put them on the top of the microwave and then pushed her fingers into the back pockets of her trousers.
'' You, um, want the tour?'' Sam suggested, trying to get a little humour into the situation. That usually worked with him.
Colonel O'Neill looked around. He didn't look amused. '' No bathroom.''
'' Actually, while I was waiting for you, I found the bathroom. I hadn't noticed...'' She stopped and decided to show him rather than tell him. Speaking seemed way too much of an effort, so she walked over to the right hand wall and showed him the faint outline of a door. The handle was a built in affair, which you had to pulled out with your fingertips. '' It's not much.''
In fact, it was probably the smallest bathroom she'd ever seen in her life. She imagined it had once been a closet.
'' That's just... extraordinary,'' he said.
Sam jumped, because he was a lot closer to her now than she was used to. She could practically feel him breathing down her neck - actually, she wanted to feel him breathing down her neck. Okay, here came the slightly more heated fantasies.
Seeming to sense her discomfort, he stepped back a couple of paces. '' Gonna be hard to find that in the dark.''
She hadn't thought that far ahead. She'd just been excited by the fact that she wouldn't have to share a bathroom with strangers. '' I'll put some glow-in-the-dark stickers on it or something.''
'' Genius,'' he said softly.
She closed the door, heard the slight click as the lock took. Without turning around, she addressed him, '' Just how much trouble do you think I'm gonna be in, sir?''
'' I honestly don't know.'' He sighed and moved around. '' Carter, what the hell happened?''
Sam run her thumbnail down the door crack. '' You ever have a really bad day?''
'' Frequently.''
'' I had a really bad day, sir.''
'' Because we forgot your birthday? Major, that's no excuse.''
'' I know.'' She decided she would have to turn around and face him sometime, so now was as good as any time. '' I forgot my birthday too. I only realised when Mark left a message on my answer machine. I know it's hypocritical to be hurt when I didn't even remember, but there is it. I'm a fickle person.'' She shrugged. '' But that's not the reason I left. It was the last straw, I suppose.''
*
'' A *week*?''
The Colonel looked horrified, and Sam found that she wasn't too emotionally shook up about him to smile. She didn't seem to feel as bad as he did about their enforced medical leave. The way she was feeling, she could sleep for a week and so it really wouldn't be a problem to be in the infirmary during that time.
'' A week, Colonel. I want to keep an eye on you, make sure there are no after effects that haven't been mentioned to me.'' Dr Fraiser's tone of voice was almost uniformed calm, ordered, correct - but there was something in it that was just a little off. Like she was pissed off about something.
Anise, Sam thought understandingly. Or Freya. Whatever.
Daniel was already lying on his bed, his glasses crooked on the pillow. He'd long since given up the battle to stay awake any longer to listen to Janet's lectures. One of the nurses started pulling the curtain around him.
'' I suggest you all try to get some sleep.''
Sure, Sam thought, looking at the soft infirmary pillow. She could do that. In fact, her body was already leaning... leaning... oh. Falling.
Janet chuckled softly. '' Sam - get undressed first. Your gown's on the end of your bed.''
She nodded tiredly, pushing herself upright, her eyelids heavy. She yawned and glanced up at the Colonel. '' Aren't you tired?''
He looked tired, at least. The dark circles under his eyes and unusual, pale colour certainly suggested he was feeling the same after-effects as her and Daniel.
The Colonel stared across at her. Something in his eyes brought up thoughts that she knew she had to forget, so she looked down at her lap and blushed. Thankfully, the curtain was pulled around her before she had to give in and look at him again.
Sam fumbled her way into the draughty gown -wishing Janet would let them bring in their own sleep-wear considering the amount of time SG-1 spent in the infirmary - and managed to slid under the sheets. She expected to fall asleep immediately, expected that the moment she closed her eyes and the lights dimmed she'd just drop off into nothingness.
The was what she expected.
But nothing happened.
For a long moment, Sam lay there, waiting. She could hear Daniel breathing heavily to her right, but she couldn't hear anything from her left.
Slowly, Sam sat back up, every muscle in her body protesting. She slid her legs over the edge of the bed.
'' Carter?'' he whispered.
'' Yeah?''
'' You awake?''
She smiled faintly. '' No.''
'' You're lying to your commanding officer.''
Despite herself, she giggled. The curtain waved, then moved. He poked his head around. '' Good. You're decent. Well, sort of.'' He was looking at her legs.
She looked down at the gown that was hoiked up her thighs. '' They're just not designed to be attractive,'' she sighed, mostly to herself.
'' Looking pretty good from where I am.''
Her face flushed swiftly so she refused to look at him.
The Colonel came into her cubicle. She noticed *he* wasn't in his gown, but she was strangely relieved he was still in his uniform. Even if his T-shirt was hanging down to mid-thigh and his feet were bare. He had really nice feet, actually, Sam realised, getting a good look at them.
'' Carter. They're feet.''
Embarrassed, but really too tired to be bothered with it, she sighed. '' I'm so tired.''
'' You're not asleep, though.''
'' No. My brain's...'' She made a gesture with her hand to mimic what her brain was doing and he nodded understandingly. Then he came to sit down next to her on the bed.
'' Um....''
She looked at him sharply. '' Oh God.''
'' Don't say things like that. I'm not going to jump you, for God's sake.''
Her eyes widened. '' I didn't think you would!''
Awkwardly, they both stared at the curtain.
'' I just -''
'' Colonel, I -''
They both laughed the way people always did when they spoke at the same time.
'' Sam I -''
'' Don't call me that,'' she said quickly.
He winced. '' Christ, that was harsh.''
'' It is harsh. It's the way... it is. Sir, what happened...'' Oh God, now they were going to do it. They were going to have the conversation. The conversation she'd been trying to avoid for what seemed like the whole of their relationship.
No.
They. Did. Not. Have. A. Relationship.
''... I didn't realise,'' he whispered.
She closed her eyes. '' Didn't realise...?''
'' That... that the idea of losing you... would do that to me.''
She would have asked him 'do what to you?' but she knew the answer. She knew because he had frozen on the other side of the force field and shown more emotions than she had ever dreamed about.
Sam kept her eyes shut - willing herself to forget the rush of hope that was rising up in her now. It had taken her months to perfect her from him. The moment she'd realised her feelings went beyond those respectable for a 2IC for her CO, Sam had started rebuilding. Moments alone were not to be spent dwelling on him. She was not to think about him at all in any way that wasn't appropriate because HE DID NOT FEEL THE SAME WAY.
But now he did.
'' It didn't happen.''
'' Carter -''
'' It didn't happen.'' She looked at him now, forcing him to understand that she couldn't deal with this right now. The way she was feeling, if they made any decisions now they would inevitably chose the wrong ones.
'' It did happen,'' he hissed, leaning towards her.
She longed to reach out and touch him. God, her heart ached for him so badly. '' Colonel, what would you have me do?''
'' Try to deny that it didn't drive you crazy knowing we couldn't reach each other,'' he said, his eyes literally *burning* her.
She couldn't deny it and he knew it. '' Sir -''
His hands came up and covered her mouth. '' It didn't happen. Okay. I happen to agree with you on that one. God knows we're not in any kind of situation where.... Nothing happened. Get some rest, Major.'' He hopped off the bed and pushed through the curtain.
Sam was left, once more, on the wrong side.
*
Whoever he was, he wasn't Colonel O'Neill, Sam thought, watching him. This wasn't a man she knew. He sat too cold, too detached on the sofa, reading through Maybourne's files, making notes in the margins. Everything about him was calm and relaxed - which went against everything she thought she knew about him. He was never calm and relaxed.
'' Why are SG-1 on downtime?'' she asked, speaking for the first time in three quarters of an hour.
He carried on reading, writing.
'' Sir?''
'' SG-1 aren't on downtime,'' he responded.
Her brows came together. He was deliberately being cryptic. She wished he'd just shout at her and get it the hell over with, instead of being so quiet. He had to be angry with her, and yet after the first initial outburst on the phone all he seemed to be was tired and withdrawn. Weary.
Had she pushed him over the edge this time? Had she made it so that he could feel nothing for her? This time, was Major Carter not going to be forgiven?
Disturbingly, Sam sort of felt like she deserved it. Like she deserved the worst sort of punishment for betraying him.
'' Why isn't Daniel speaking to you?''
'' Because I pushed him through a window.''
Sam exclaimed, '' What?''
He continued writing. '' You heard me the first time.''
'' Holy Hannah, what did you do that for?''
Colonel O'Neill shook his head, closed the file and threw it onto the table. He turned his head and looked out of the window. It was pitch black, but she'd pulled back the curtains earlier to look down into the street. She wondered, distantly, what time it was.
'' He wants you to get a job at this place. Check out the owner.''
'' Yeah.''
'' Why not just go in and grab her?''
Sam shrugged. '' Maybourne doesn't have the resources for that. Besides, I think he wants to keep it quiet. He'd going to use her for something - buying his way out of jail, probably.'' Which reminded her. '' Did you get him out in the first place?''
'' When are you planning on applying for a job?''
She paused because he hadn't answered her previous question, but one look at his closed up face told her she wasn't going to get anywhere with him. '' Tomorrow. I suppose... I suppose I better get some sleep.''
The unspoken question was whether or not he was going to stay there with her. He was perfectly capable of driving home, of finding a room at a motel. It was up to him.
He was looking around the room. '' The sofa's too small for me. It might fit you though.''
She raised her eyebrows. '' You want me to sleep on the sofa?''
Normally, he would have smiled, but apparently they weren't doing normal today. '' Unless you want to share the bed,'' he replied bluntly.
'' I'll sleep on the sofa.''
*
'' Left or right, Captain?''
Malevolently, she pointed to the right hand side - there weren't words to describe how she was feeling at the moment. Forced to spend the night with her CO in some horrible, dank, cold little room on some vile mattress that was no doubt *crawling* with lice, Sam was living what had to be a nightmare.
If he could stop cracking jokes for one damn minute....
Turning their backs on each other, they started to strip. The rustle of clothing behind her told her he was undressing faster than she was and she hoped to hell he didn't turn around at any point.
'' Decent yet?''
'' No, sir.''
'' Okay. Take your time, Carter.''
Grudgingly, she decided he was at least trying to be gentlemanly. But, God, if she'd known beforehand what sharing rooms meant, she would have asked to share with Dr Jackson.
Done, Sam cleared her throat and turned around. The Colonel turned also and they started to check the bed, looking at each other through their eyelashes. His sleepwear consisted of boxers and his T-shirt. Hers consisted of shorts and her T-shirt and she'd also removed her bra through her sleeve.
'' No bed bugs,'' he announced casually.
'' Thank God.'' Even if there was an odd little patch down the end of her side of the bed that she wasn't going to touch even if it meant she had to sleep in the foetal position all night.
He bent his head over the candle on his bedside table and blew. Copying him, Sam did the same to hers. Then they climbed into bed together.
Clinging to the outside edge, Sam resolutely closed her eyes. This was simply the last time she shared with this guy. At least with Dr Jackson she could be sure he respected her. Colonel O'Neill barely tolerated her - she was a scientist and a woman, a combination he apparently couldn't cope with.
One day she would prove to him that she was his equal. She would show him.
Though why it mattered so much to her she just didn't know.