R e d S e a

Part Seven

Something changed.

Omi could not put his finger on it, but something had changed since their mission in Okinawa. Something subtle that he could not, and would not, write into his report for Manx.

Something subtle, such as Ran cutting his own hair. Nothing new, really, Ran had always cut his own hair since Omi knew him, but never before did he leave the back to grow as he did now. Ran used to reach back or ask someone to help him trim the back. The red eartails, Ran's trademark, were gone.

Something subtle, such as Youji talking to no one. Omi knew it was Neu, illusion or ghost.

Something subtle, such as Ken's nervous smile when the word "mission" was mentioned.

It had been two days since their return to Tokyo and the report still was not complete. Manx had raised an eyebrow to Omi's uncharacteristic lateness. But what could he write? The dynamics within the group was changing, he had seen several such changes in the last few years, but this time Omi was not sure he liked what he saw.

Omi frowned at the computer, and wished that he could skip the task altogether.

If Youji ever noticed his cigarettes were going missing - Ran was sure he did - he did not say anything.

It was a typical Japanese summer night, humid and windless. Youji hopped out of the M-CAT, cigarette and lighter in hand, and found Ran leaning on the back of the trailer, half way through the cigarette he stole. He took one from Youji's pack every night.

"Hey, how's your leg?"

Ran lifted his leg and swung it a little, then kicked high enough to almost hit Youji's chin. Of course it hurt, but it was prove that the recovery will be a full one. "Your head?"

Youji laughed around his cigarette. "Terrible. Look, I've got a bald spot." He said, bending down to let the shorter man see where his hair was shaved off for the stitches. "It's gonna look funny when it grows back. A short bunch of hair sticking out."

"Cut it all off then?" The redhead mused.

"Just because you're changing your hairstyle, Aya, it doesn't mean everybody else should." Running a hand through the tangled mess on his head, Youji pondered the idea of hacking it all off. One day, maybe. Yes, he should chop it all off for a change. Something in him was changing. A year ago, he would never even think about such a crazy idea. "Hey, you know what I always do?"

Ran lifted a curious eyebrow, and moved away as Youji pressed a button to open up the back of the M-CAT. He then settled himself on the floor amidst the flowers, and gestured Ran to join him.

Ran had finished his nightly smoke, and killed the butt by grinding it with his shoe. He laid on the floor of their "flowershop" beside Youji, watching him blow smoke rings above their heads. Back in the old Koneko no Sumu Ie, smoking was strictly prohibited. Ran himself had made a point of forbidding Youji to smoke inside the trailer as well, although right now he could not care less.

"You didn't smoke so much before, Aya." It was an understatement. Youji had never seen Ran smoke until recently.

"Just to see which will come first. Death by lung cancer and death by an open wound." The redhead glanced at his friend. "Which would you prefer?"

Youji looked inside his head for an answer.

"After Asuka died," His voice was a whisper, "I used to think I'd wound up burning barbeque coal in a room to kill myself. Or turn on the gas taps or something. Something painless. You know that people's skin turn pink in gas-deaths?"

Ran did not reply.

"Which is weird, because nobody ever really think they're suicidal. Not until the moment comes when he can't cope anymore. Turns out I don't even have it in me to kill myself." A pause. "I'm not so desperate to die anymore. I'd prefer to go the normal way. I'd grow old, rely on social services because I have no kids to care about me and then die of hypothermia in my rocking chair watching old soaps. The normal way."

"Youji the grumpy, white-haired old man, wrapped up in a blanket, smoking a pipe." Ran almost chuckled at the idea.

"I'll yell at people and terrorise the local kids with a walking stick. I'll get gangrenes, lose my dentures and reading glasses..." The laughter was gone from Youji's voice. No one will depend on him, and he will have no one to depend on. He will not matter to anyone anymore. "I'll forget new things but can't say a word about my past. The only thing I'll remember are the mistakes I've made and the people I've wronged."

"Enough, Youji."

"... I'll look at the past and regret all the things that I had and hadn't done..."

There would be no one to care about him. He would die staring at Neu's ghost, alone, wondering what he had done with his life. Youji could see it. It was the only way for someone like him, who crushes everything he cares and loves, to spend the rest of his life. The feelings were too frightening, and too real. He could already feel that loneliness creeping up on him, and he had to fight down tears. He was a grown man, not a little girl who could be excused for crying over her own imagination.

"You're creating your own hell." Ran looked away to preserve his friend's dignity as Youji wiped wet eyes with the back of a hand. "Stop punishing yourself."

As he spoke the words, Ran realised that the same words would have applied to himself long ago, when all he lived for was to kill Takatori Reiji. All he was doing was punishing himself for the death of his family. When the assassination was finally completed, it left a void in him, because there was no other purpose in life for him anymore. He did not know what else he could do with his life.

"I know, Aya. I know." Youji repeated, as if trying to convince himself. He stared at cigarette smoke that rose between his fingers. "It just feels like I've opened Pandora's Box. Everything that flies out hit me in the face and I can't think straight anymore. I keep imagining what can happen in the future, I keep wondering what I can do when it all happens."

Ran got up and dusted himself. It was time to draw a conclusion.

"I won't let it happen."

"Aww. Aya's so sweet." Neu paced around in the room, then finally stopped in front of Youji.

Fixed to his place on the couch, Youji wished someone would come in and make Neu go away. He knew she would disappear as soon as he was with anyone else, but every time he saw her, he felt too weak to move pr call out.

"He was the one who dragged you out of the sea, right?"

Youji could remember now. The pale hand reaching out for him in the water, his desperate attempt to push it away, and then finally giving in. He thought it was Asuka. But now in the back of his mind, he saw what happened. Ran was too shock to move when Youji wrapped his arms around him and buried his face in the red hair. They sank. And then the redhead struggled in his arms and brought him back to the surface.

"Amazing. One of you actually had a brain."

"What do you want, Neu?"

"You know what I want."

Youji fell silent. He did not know.

"Youji-kun, why are you still awake?" Omi peeked out from the bedroom. He thought he could hear Youji's voice.

Youji glanced at Omi, and then back to Neu. She was gone. "Did I wake you?"

"Nah. I was just finishing the report." Omi padded across the room to his friend, and then noticed the cans of beer on the coffee table. "I thought you're cutting back on the alcohol."

Youji chuckled, and gestured for Omi to sit down with him. "This is called 'drinking in moderation'. Have you done the report? Good, sit and drink with me."

A few years ago, when Omi still had flashbacks from his past, Youji used to make hot drinks spiced with alcohol for the younger one, to help him sleep. Later, Omi's alcohol tolerance grew, so they forgot hot drinks altogether and turned to beer. Omi was a good drink-mate. Many of their secrets, including what happened between Youji and Asuka, were exchanged between them over beer. Many good moments had also happened during those times.

Omi was different from Ran. When Ran joined Weiss, it had taken the group several weeks to adjust and trust the redhead, and when they talked, Ran preferred to listen and offer his quiet support. But with Omi, Youji had hit it off with the teenager right away as if they knew each other since their past lives, despite Omi's occasional frown at the cigarette smoke or Youji's treatment to women. Talking with Omi was like Youji talking to his own conscience - Omi always asked questions that Youji did not dare ask himself.

"You were talking to yourself again." Omi said, his eyes focused on his finger that was running around on the rim of the can. "I know you're the best conversationist here, but you can always talk to one of us instead, you know."

Youji let himself sank into the well worn couch. It was the one they used in the old mission room, actually. "I was talking to Neu."

"I can't believe in something I can't see, hear or touch, Youji-kun." Omi knew Youji expected him to say that, so there was no need to lie. Youji's emotions were much more stable compared with when he first revealed the secret to Omi and Ken in Okinawa, and Omi decided to press on. "What does she say to you? What do you see?"

What do I see? Youji asked himself, closing his eyes. What did I see?

Countless of dead bodies floated in the water, and he was sinking. Blood was diffusing its way towards him, catching up on him, and frantically he swam deeper down to get away, despite the dull pain in his head that brought stars to his eyes. He could not see properly, and became too tired to move. Turning around, he saw an arm pushing through the water, reaching for him.

He was in the flower room, Neu's presence causing small hairs to rise on the back of his neck. "What do you want?"

Neu pressed her lips together in a frown, then her face faded. She would never give him the answer.

Ran was there with him ,under the stars. His voice rung in Youji's head. "I won't let it happen." Youji wanted to believe him.

He threw things. He threw Asuka's mug, it broke and torn Omi's flesh open. Ken was angry with him. He picked up the broken pieces and told Ran he did not mean to hurt anyone. He did not mean to crush anyone under the weight of his love.

Red and white roses in the cupboard, frozen in time.

Blood in the water. Ran's hair. Neu's lipstick. Omi's blood. Frozen roses.

Red. All of it.

He opened his eyes.

A good three minutes passed before Omi spoke. His voice was a whisper. "Who do you want it to be, Youji-kun?"

Not understanding the question, Youji's brows furrowed.

"Who do you want it to be?" Omi repeated, "the one reaching out for you, through the water, through the blood.

"What Neu wants shouldn't have been the question. It's what you want that matters."

Youji woke to the smell of honey, his long legs hanging over the end of the couch, where he slept after Omi left him to ponder on his questions.

It was dark in the trailer. Omi, ever so sensitive, had drawn all the curtains that Youji did not bother to draw before he went to bed. Sunlight made its way through the gaps between thick pieces of cloth, and with this light Youji could see Ran standing in the tiny kitchenette, making lunch.

"Aya, mind making me some too?" Youji called out, his voice dry and coarse.

Ran looked up, but did not reply. He poured the food into a bowl, and sat it down on the coffee table in front of Youji. He still walked with a slight limp.

"What about you?" Youji stared at his friend, feeling guilty for taking Ran's lunch.

"I'm not hungry."

Youji smiled. His teammates were starting to know him too well. Asuka used to know when he'd wake up too and she'd cook -

Porridge with honey. Youji looked down at his bowl, and was not sure if he should feel glad or bitter.

"I thought you like porridge?" Ran asked when Youji just looked on and did not eat.

"Yeah." Picking up his spoon, Youji told himself there was no point mourning over a bowl of porridge. "Maybe a bit too much."

Ran looked questioningly at Youji, silently asking the question: "Why?" That was as far as he wanted to go. He always assumed that he would get told what people want him to know, and if they don't want him to know, they would not tell him no matter how he asked. But sometimes, people who want to tell need to be urged to go on, so he would do the urging with his eyes. He had a thing about voicing it out loud. If people decide not to tell, they could pretend not to have seen the look. Pretending not to have heard a question was much harder.

Youji wanted to say more, Ran was sure.

"Asuka used to cook a lot." Youji began, finally allowing himself to relive the memory. "She did all sorts of things. If I slept in, she'd know when I would wake up, she cooked so that I can eat the moment I opened my eyes. She did porridge with honey a lot." He looked up at his friend, who pressed his lips together, deep in thought.

"For a moment I just... sorry. I keep doing it don't I? Confuse you with her." Youji added, laughing dryly. "During the mission too. Guess Neu's stirring up things in my mind."

In the end, it was all about Asuka and Neu. Ran found himself shaking his head. "What did she say to you?"

"Omi was just asking me that last night." Youji picked up the empty bowl and placed it in the sink. "Neu never said much. She just laughed at me. She laughed at me for... for strangling every woman that went to bed with me. For reliving that same ugly moment when I killed her whenever anyone gets physically close to me.

"She laughed at me for the dreams I had, for never knowing who it was that reached for me in the water, never knowing... although I know it was you.

"She never tells me what she wants. I keep asking her, but she just say that I know what she wants. But I don't. I really don't."

The confession took the energy out of him. Youji leaned on the kitchen counter as he let Ran absorb what had been said. He never thought he would tell anyone, but perhaps he owed this to the redhead. He could feel his friend's gaze on him, but he could not lift his head to meet those eyes. He felt too ugly to deserve a friend like Ran.

Ran spoke after a long silence. "It's not about what Neu wants, it's about what you want, Youji."

"Funny, Omi said the same thing."

"What you want is to let go, but you can't forgive yourself if you do it."

Ran looked challengingly at his friend, daring him to deny what he said. Youji stole a look at the redhead then looked away. It sounded true, and he usually believed in Ran, but there was no way that he could let other people tell him what it is that he wants and what he is thinking. Nevertheless, in a twisted way, he wanted to listen on. He wanted Ran to batter him mercilessly, to knock some sense into his brain that had long ago stopped thinking properly.

"You don't want to believe that somebody else can take her place. She's not telling you what she wants because you created her and you don't know what you want. You created her so that you can't forget her. You ask her what she wants, but you're just asking yourself the same thing."

It was all true, but it could not be true. "That's enough. You don't understand." Youji clenched his teeth. He wished he could explain to Ran how small and useless he felt when he lost control; when he snapped out of an illusion and saw his hands on a woman's neck; when he knew that there was a way out, that a hand was there for him but he could not take it, too frightened that he would hurt anyone who try to help him, and to love him.

"You said I don't see anything," Ran recalled the morning they had a small silent argument over Youji's drinking habit. "But it's you who aren't seeing anything at all. You said you've opened Pandora's Box, everything escaped and hit you in the face. But do you know that in the tale, Hope also flew from the box? Did it hit you, or did you just let it fly pass?"

"Aya, stop. Just stop."

"You told me most things are a matter of choice. That you choose to smoke. That I choose to believe in you. Who do you want it to be? Who would you choose?

"In the water, do you want the person who reached for you to be? Neu, or me?"

[To be continued]