*
*
*
Another night on the sofa, Sam thought, miserably regarding the blue cushions as she shook out the sheet she was using. The Colonel was already in the bed, sprawled on his front, face turned towards the wall. She couldn't tell if he was asleep. Unlike Daniel, Colonel O'Neill didn't snore - something, she suspected, that had been trained out of him - and unless you were very close to him, you couldn't hear the change in his breathing.
She went into the bathroom and brushed her teeth, dropped her toothbrush down on the shelf next to the Colonel's. Then she washed her face and examined her reflection critically. She hadn't heard from Luxur that day, even though she'd posted the four-page application form about an hour after she'd got it in the mail. She'd spent the day checking out the area with the Colonel, memorising roads from Luxur and trying to find out as much information as possible about the place from the locals. Their responses had ranged from 'den of sin' (elderly lady with two poodles) to 'difficult to get into, but apparently it's got great food - even better service' (young man in his late twenties who'd winked at Sam suggestively).
Sam ran her comb through her hair and wandered over to get herself a glass of water.
Only drinking half of it, she poured the rest down the drain and watched it swirl away. Talk about an uncomfortable couple of days. When their conversation had veered from the strictly professional, they'd ended up nearly arguing. Nearly arguing meant the tension would rise and rise and rise until the point when both of them realised their voices were reaching shouting pitch, and then they both clammed up like... clams.
Hence the past three hours of complete and utter silence.
Sam wasn't so inept at relationships to realise that at some point the tension would reach a point when their neat, soldierly little house of cards would fall down and she and Colonel O'Neill would probably have the biggest argument man had ever seen.
It was nerve wracking.
She propped the glass upside down on the draining board and went to sit on the sofa, reaching for her Mut file one more time to read over the contents she'd already memorised. Sam didn't quite manage to read it, though. She ran her fingers over the page, thinking about Daniel, who'd researched and written the report. God, she really missed Daniel. His smile, his voice, his un-military attitude and the way he and the Colonel would banter away together.
With horror, Sam felt her eyes tear up. Rather surprised, she reached for a corner of her sheet and maniacally started dabbing, blotting tears that were rapidly dropping. God knew what had brought this on, she thought, slowly lowering herself down onto the sofa so any noise she made would be blocked out by the cushions. Just because she suddenly wanted to see Daniel wasn't any reason to start blubbering. Shoulders jerking with the effort to conceal her crying, Sam bit down hard on the sheet.
She made a tiny little accidental noise, and froze.
Silence.
Inevitably, her nose started running, blocking her breathing. She was forced to turn her head to the side, and she slowly breathed out through her mouth, being extra specially careful not to make it sound like she was crying.
When Sam felt she was under control, she sat up and switched off the light. She buried under the sheet, turning her back to the room and staring at the back of the sofa. She wasn't particularly sleepy, but since it had got to ten o'clock and they'd hadn't spoken for a good couple of hours, there hadn't been much else to do but go to bed.
She heard him get out of bed.
Stilling, she listened intently. Where was he going? Bathroom? She waited, ears pricked.
He stood up, the bed creaking slightly, his clothes rustling. She heard light padding as he walked towards her and she raised her eyes towards the bathroom door, wanting to get a look at him. But instead of coming to stand by the bathroom door, he loomed over her, his shadow casting her face into darkness.
Heart skipping a beat, Sam rolled on her bed and peered up at him. '' What?'' she asked creakily.
He reached down and grabbed her legs - she yelped - and bent them at the knee. He sat down by her feet, his hands going down to where the sheet covered her ankles. '' Look, I figure we do better in darkness anyway, so we oughta have our 'chat' here.''
So he'd known it was coming too. Interesting. '' Do we have to fight?''
'' Carter, you know us. We don't do talking well. The only way we're going to have this out is if we fight.''
'' That's really sad.''
'' But true.'' He was smiling - she could just see it.
'' Do you really want to beat the crap out of me?''
'' No. I just... want... to shake you really, really, really hard.''
Sam sat up properly, her hands sliding down her legs to grip his wrists. She needed a little skin to skin contact. '' If it would make you feel better...''
'' I am not going to shake you really, really, really hard, Carter.''
She giggled, the tension in her spine easing a little. '' No, sir.''
'' Sir,'' he said on an out-breath. '' I hate that word.''
'' I know. You... you know I'd much rather call you 'Jack', don't you?''
'' No.''
His tone was so foreboding, she almost let go of his wrists. '' Well, I would. Just so you know.''
'' Thank you. And I'd rather call you Sam, but I won't if you still call me Colonel.''
'' Fine.''
'' Did you run away from me?''
She blinked. That had been a little too quick for her - she was prepared for a proper talk but not prepared, apparently, for the questions he wanted answers too. '' Sir?''
'' You heard me.''
'' I - '' She had been about to deny it, but to do so felt wrong. Hadn't she, in effect, been running away from him? Not him, him, but what he represented. All the things she couldn't have. '' Yes,'' she said eventually.
His shoulders slumped, his hands tried to move away from hers, but she held on tightly. '' Carter...''
'' No, I want to explain.''
'' I'm listening.''
'' It just got too much. It's hard work remaining sane in that place, you know?'' She hoped, desperately, that he did. '' I seem to have this penchant for getting... sucked in by aliens.'' Her lips quirked. '' Or sucking in aliens.''
'' Ew.''
She winced. '' Sorry. Bad joke. It's just... it's not fun. Okay? It's not fun. In fact... I hate it. As in, I really hate it.'' She didn't know when she'd started talking in short sentences, but it probably had something to do with the fact that she couldn't seem to voice exactly how she was feeling. '' And then there's... the crap that comes with the aliens. Jolinar. She was in love with Martouf. She loved Martouf. They were married. It was this whole... love of a lifetime thing. And I can still feel that, the remnants of it. Part of me is mourning, Jack.''
The Colonel slid his hands around hers. '' You never told me.''
'' I didn't tell anyone. I didn't just get her memories, Colonel. I got... her emotions, her feelings. It was the most confusing thing. It is the most confusing thing. Then there's... us.''
'' Us.''
'' There is an 'us','' she said firmly, refusing to be picked upon over this point.
'' I know there's an 'us', Carter,'' he said quickly. '' It's obvious there's an 'us'.''
'' Right. And this... 'us'. It's not easy. I mean, massively not easy.''
He swallowed. Loudly. '' No. It's not.''
'' In fact, it's probably... really difficult.''
Oh, this was going nowhere.
'' Carter, I'm accepting the fact that what we deal with on a daily basis, as 'us', isn't easy. In fact, it's probably the worst thing about our job.''
Sam let out a breath. That had been what she'd been trying to convey. The aliens, to some extent, she could deal with it. But them? That was a new pain every day. '' Yeah. So, you see, my birthday - that wasn't the reason I left. It was just...''
''... the last straw.''
'' Yeah.''
'' You're not the only one who's having a hard time.''
'' I know! I know! There's you and... and... and Daniel's lost his wife, for God's sake. She was made a Goa'uld. Teal'c's ostracised by his people, infamous across the universe, his son's on another planet. We all have horrible problems and I hate that I, me of all people, let them get on top of me. Like I'm this... complete flake when I'm not, that's just not me...'' She sighed. '' Maybourne thinks I need therapy.''
'' Maybourne? You having nice chats with Maybourne?''
'' Well, he kept asking me questions. I don't know. I have this horrible feeling he likes me.''
He was quiet for a long moment, his fingers lightly and repetitively squeezing her hands. '' Well, look at this, we didn't fight.''
Sam smiled. '' No. We didn't.''
'' I feel smug. Do you feel smug?''
'' I feel smug,'' she agreed, itching to ask him to hug her. She wouldn't though. She absolutely refused to, for one because she knew it would lead them to... somewhere they couldn't go. '' Do you still feel like shaking me really, really, really hard?''
'' Er... no. Other things. But not shaking.''
Her whole body flushed red hot, instantly. '' I can't believe you just said that.''
'' Thinking a bout it, neither can I. I'm gonna go back to bed.''
'' You do that. Night, Colonel.''
'' Night, Carter.'' He stood up and walked across the room, unaware that Sam was staring at his ass. Okay, she told herself, way too old for that, firmly pulling her eyes away from his very attractive anatomy and returning her gaze to the back of the sofa.
It was only about fifteen minutes later, that Sam realised Colonel O'Neill had told her absolutely nothing about himself. About how he was feeling. Nothing.
She couldn't help but smile. Damn him.
*
'' Four months in this damn place and I'm still getting lost. Is the commissary this way?'' Dr Jackson asked her as they came across each other at a crossroads.
Sam grinned. '' No. That way.''
The young man looked down the corridor, giving Sam ample opportunity to look him up and down. He was cute - the kind of cute that made the nurses in the infirmary swoon. Unfortunately for Sam, she didn't go for cute. He was too 'little brother' like for her - quite how she knew that she didn't know. She only had an older brother. '' How do you know?''
'' It's the markings on the ground.'' She pointed down to the various coloured lines that were all over the floor.
'' Oh. I think... I think I'll just make myself a map. I'll forget which colour means what...''
She chuckled. '' Look, I'm due a break. Do you want to get a coffee or something?''
Dr Jackson brightened. '' Hey, great. So, you've been working on the Stargate project for years, have you?''
Sam nodded, eyeing the pile of sheets that was tucked under his arm. They were kinda slipping... '' Er, Doctor, do you want me to...'' Quick as a flash, she grabbed the sheets just as they were about to fall.
'' Damn. I should get a file or something. You don't have to call me Doctor. It's Daniel.''
'' Okay. Sam, then.''
'' I know. It seems ridiculous that we'd have to call each other by our titles. I'm not in the military, after all.''
She smiled faintly, helping him tuck the sheets back under his arm. '' Quite.''
They continued walking, whereupon Daniel saw fit to tell her all the things he fount at fault with the military. She couldn't help but be amused - he had a way about him, that was for sure. A certain boyish... something or other. Charm, she supposed. Even though he was currently insulting the institution she worked for, he was doing it in such a way that it was entertaining. Particularly since she started arguing right back. There was nothing Sam liked more than a good, logical argument.
By the time they got into the commissary, she and Daniel Jackson were tossing arguments forwards and backwards, enjoying themselves immensely.
Colonel O'Neill, Sam's new CO, was already in the commissary, eating cake and drinking coffee while a dour-faced Teal'c sat across him reading some kind of a book. Daniel automatically headed for the table, pausing mid-argument to greet both the Colonel and Teal'c, then continuing once more. It was pretty impressive, Sam thought, nodding respectfully to her CO before rejoining the conversation.
After about five minutes of listening to them go on, the Colonel interrupted, '' Guys?''
They both looked at him.
'' Could you, I don't know, *stop*?''
Sam felt chastened, Daniel just grinned. '' I don't know, Jack. It's nice to be able to have a logical conversation with someone.''
A little surprised at the tone Daniel had taken with her CO, Sam glanced up from her coffee to see how Colonel O'Neill was taking it.
The Colonel just looked amused. '' So long as you're not spouting theories at me, I guess. Just... it's early in the morning. Can we keep it down, just a little?''
'' Yes, sir.''
Daniel blinked at her. '' Yes, sir? He can't order you around during your break time.''
'' Actually. I can.''
Sam was nodding in agreement with her CO.
'' What about off-base? Will you take orders from him there? Say, if you were at a restaurant.''
The Colonel leaned across the table. '' When would Carter and I *ever* be at a restaurant?''
'' Exactly,'' Sam put in.
'' I don't know. Like an SG-1 bonding thing. Not just you two because you'd both have nothing to talk about...''
'' Hey,'' the Colonel said defensively. '' I can make conversation.''
'' Oh, yeah, and what would you talk about?''
Okay, this was going into territory that was making Sam vaguely embarrassed. Daniel had now started an argument which she really didn't want to be involved in. Stating the fact that she and her new CO had nothing in common was one thing, making the Colonel defensive about it was another.
She decided that maybe if she just picked up her coffee and slid towards the other end of the bench slowly....
'' Sam?''
Sam froze.
The Colonel froze.
Daniel looked up.
Very slowly, Sam turned her head to the side. She smiled. Falsely. '' Oh. Hi, Jonas.''
What the hell was he doing here?
'' I heard you worked here. I'd always wondered... what you did.'' He hovered uncertainly at the end of the table, clean shaven, short hair, eyes deep and ever so slightly nervous.
'' Yeah. This is... it.'' Oh God, make him go away. Make the others start talking, for goodness sake.
'' Just thought I'd drop by and see you. I'm CO of SG-9.''
How hadn't she known that? Did this mean he was going to be around the whole time? She was going to see him on a daily basis? '' That's great, Jonas. I'm really pleased for you.''
And she was. Sort of. He'd kind of fallen into a black hole when they'd broken up - and she wasn't vain enough to think that she was the reason. She was a trigger, perhaps, but Jonas had plenty of other problems in his life other than her.
'' I'll see you around?''
'' Sure. Drop by my lab... any time.''
Holy Hannah, why did she *say* that?
She was so relieved when Jonas left. So relieved that she betrayed herself just a little and lowered her head to the table.
Daniel spoke first, '' Well.... that was uncomfortable.''
'' Something you'd like to share with the class, Carter?''
They were going to find out sooner or later. '' My ex-fiancé.''
'' Of all the Air Force officers in all the world....'' Daniel chuckled. '' Sorry, Sam.''
'' It's not your fault.''
'' He had a good record.''
Sam snorted, but decided it would be best not to comment. Her opinions on Jonas's 'qualifications' were not to be shared. The ability to be able to talk without saying anything. The fact that he had to be in charge all the time. Oh yeah, she could wax lyrical about Jonas's qualifications.
'' Carter? Is this going to be a problem?''
'' No, sir. Jonas and I were over a *long* time ago.'' And, besides, she knew better than to let her emotions get in the way of her work.