Chapter 4: Peace of Mind
by Jara
your goal more important than my grief
I used to love what I do
You left and took my passion with you"
(Hooverphonic - Others delight)
"Who is Carter?" Yani asks as her soft hands explore the gash running down from his chest to his abdomen. Jack clenches his yaws shut and tries not to cry out. How on earth did she expect him to answer any question while she is doing a very good impression of his torturers.
As there is no reply the hands stop moving and Yani repeats the question. "Who is Carter?"
Jack opens his eyes, relieved that she has stopped prodding him. Doctor Fraiser could learn a whole lot from this woman, he thinks grimly. "Where have you heard from Carter?" He asks her suspiciously.
"You spoke of her when they brought you back to your cell. The fire was burning within you and you were talking to her." Yani explains patiently as she picks up the cloth and starts cleaning the wound. If Jack wasn't so pigheaded not to give his captors any pleasure he would probably be screaming so loud they would hear him on the other side of the planet. He knows that beneath the deep cut on his torso some of his ribs have cracked, making any touch unbearable, let alone the *tender* cares of Yani. "You told her to go, to live for you." The woman continues as she still doesn't get a reply.
Jack squeezes his eyes tightly shut, Sam's face clearer before him than any other face he had seen after she left through the stargate. He wishes it would be another memory that would fill his mind, one where she would be smiling at him. Or that slightly worried and endearing look she got when she tried to compare the universe with an apple and realised she had lost him during the explanation. Instead he saw the panic and terror in her eyes. The pleading not to give her the order to leave him. The pain at the idea of leaving him behind to die. But he had to get her out of there, he couldn't have lived with himself if she had to go through this hell because of him. Ordering her to leave hadn't worked because as a good soldier she would argue about it and have refused to leave him. So he had pleaded her to go, not for herself but for him and he knew that she wouldn't deny him that. And he is grateful still that he had done that, he could live through this as long as he knew that she is safe on earth. Even if safe isn relative in the SGC.
"O'Neill! Are you going to answer my question?" The woman demands now.
"Carter is a colleague. She fought with me." Jack explains and notices that Yani is dressing the wound again.
"A woman who fights?" Yani wrinkles her nose as the whole idea is preposterous to her. "Women should not be fighting, negative actions are for men. Women heal, through love." She explains as if that's the most natural thing on earth... well in the universe.
"If I would dare to say that to Carter she would tackle me and ignore me for the next couple of months." He replies proud of his Major.
"She must be a strong woman to have won your heart." Yani observes and studies his face for any sign of emotion.
"She is." Jack tries to sound as neutral as he can. Although Yani seems to be a kind woman he is still wary of what information he gives her. He can't understand why the Goa'uld would allow a healer, as Yani had introduced herself, to take care of him. Maybe it was a way to get him to trust her and give the information that they were trying to obtain through a more painful method.
Yani nods and pulls his robe back down. "You must rest. They will be coming back for you soon now that the fever has settled down again." She wants to stand up but Jack quickly reaches out for her and grasps her wrist .
"Why do they send you to me? Why heal me when they want to break me to give them information?" He wants to know.
He receives an all knowing smile from the woman. "The Tauri are an important species. If you die, all hope will be gone as well."
Jack studies Yani's face, trying to make out if she is lying to him or now. Why would him being alive be so important to this goa'uld? "Then why make you care for me and not just put me in a sarcophagus or use a healing device?"
"They would take away your pain. I can tend to your wounds but I do not have the power to relieve you. I can merely make sure you will not die from them." Yani explains patiently and then gently loosens his grip on her wrist and pulls away. She stands up and smiles sadly at him. "I wish I could do more but I am not allowed to. Try and get some rest before it is too late, you will need it."
Her words still hang in the room when already he can hear the footsteps of Jaffa approaching his prison cell, although Amnesty International would probably debate about whether or not it deserves to be called that. All it seems to have are three walls, bars, a thin blanket and lots of moist spots.
The footsteps come to a standstill right in front of his prison and Jack shuts his eyes, hoping the Jaffa will think that he is sleeping. He can hear the key in the lock and the lighter sound of Yani leaving the room.
"Is he better?" A Jaffa asks her in a rough commanding voice.
Yani doesn't seem to be impressed though and her voice sounds as calm as ever when she replies. "Yes, but he is sleeping now. He needs more rest."
"Will he survive if we take him now?" The Jaffa insists, clearly not giving a damn about Jack's beauty sleep.
A soft sigh escapes Yani's lips. "Yes."
"Good, you can go." The Jaffa dismisses her and then the heavy metallic footsteps enter the room.
"WAKE UP!" The Jaffa orders him and his heavy boot hits his chest, making Jack cry out in pain as he hadn't seen the kick coming. "STAND UP!" He barks and when Jack tries to get on his feet, it apparently isn't fast enough. Two strong hands jerk him up and violently push him outside the room.
Jack stumbles over his feet but tries to remain standing as his whole chest pounds in agony. Yani is still standing outside his cell and moves forward, helping him keep his balance.
The Jaffa ignore her and one pushes him in the back, urging him to walk and follow the leader. Jack's eyes settle on Yani's kind face, drawing strength there.
"I am sure Carter will be waiting for you to come home." The woman whispers before her hands drop away and he loses his support. Jack just nods and forces his feet to move one before the other. Every time they meet the ground it sends a wave of pain coursing through his whole body. They lead him into a small confined room that is barely lit. A penetrating stench fills his nostrils, it's a combination of sweat, vomit and blood. His body tenses as he realises all the smells in here are his.
"KNEEL!" Comes the demand and as he doesn't act right away a Jaffa knocks his feet from under him so his knees meet the hard cold ground. The impact makes him shudder as it feels like someone is trying to do open heart surgery. He wishes he would pass out right away but the cruel and haunting laugh from his interrogator tells him they're only just beginning.
***
Jack O'Neill tears himself up from where he is lying, something is obstructing his movement, trying to keep him from sitting up. His hands move to his chest and he pulls off various wires that were attached to him. Right away a silence settles in his mind as the strange beeping sound stops. His eyes wide open, the first thing he notices is the blinding lights around him. Just a second ago everything had been dark and he wonders what kind of sick game his captor has in mind next. But he would be damned if he would play along, his mind settles on one task: getting out of here. He could worry about his aching muscles and the world spinning later. As he moves his arm to get up this time a tube in his arm prevents him. Growling he wants to yank it out of his vein, really not appreciating being drugged.
"Colonel!" A voice shouts from the other side of the room. He panics. They saw him, they would get him and bring him back to the room. His instincts once again tell him to get out of here and he tightens his hold on the tube in his arm, ready to pull it out when all of a sudden a hand covers his.
"Sir, don't." It is another voice that speaks to him now. She isn't commanding him but pleading with him. The hand covering his doesn't feel rough and doesn't inflict pain. Jack flinches and makes his body smaller, anticipating to receive a blow to the head or anything that would hurt him but it doesn't come. Instead the hand very gently loosens his grip on the tube. He knows the voice and finds something soothing in it but he knows he might be deceived. It could be a trick, a mind game. His hand trembles in hers but she doesn't let go. Gentle fingers stroke over the back of his hand as she lies it down on his lap.
"It's alright, Jack. You're safe. No one is going to hurt you here." She whispers to him, his name on her lips having a strange impact. He isn't sure why but he believes her. Her hands now move to his shoulders and very carefully she pushes him back down unto the bed.
For the first time Jack allows himself to look up at her and what he sees makes him gasp for air. Bright blue eyes are looking back at him and her face is kind and compassionate as her lips move to continue speaking those soothing words. Her hand moves up from his shoulder and soft fingers stroke his cheek as all he can do is stare at her. The fingers move higher, over his temple and into his hair. He closes his eyes and concentrates on her touch. It makes him forget about the pain in his body. His heart settles down again as he listens to her soft voice. Slowly he remembers that he isn't any longer in the prison, that he is safe in the infirmary of the SGC and that no matter what *she* would never let him get hurt. His breathing settles down and once again sleep seem to be luring until he feels the hand remaining on his shoulder move, warning him that she is leaving.
Right away Jack's eyes open and he grasps her wrist. "Carter..."
"It's alright, sir. I'm here." Sam assures him and as she looks into his eyes a smile curves her lips. He realises how much he has missed that sight and his hand tightens on her wrist.
"You waited for me to come home." Jack whispers and the smile fades again as the fingers going through his hair stop moving. Her blue eyes become glassed over with tears and her body shudders as she draws in a deep breath. "Sam? What's wrong?" He asks worried and reaches his hand out, his fingertips brushing her cheek.
She closes her eyes as if she's in pain and for a second he is scared she is going to pull away. Instead her fingers tighten their hold on his shoulder and he can feel her putting her weight unto the arm as if to support herself. "I'm so sorry, sir. I shouldn't have left you. I should have..." She starts, the tears brimming dangerously in her eyes but he doesn't let her finish her sentence. Instead the fingers slip over her lips and he holds them there, stopping her apology.
"I gave you an order." He reminds her but she shakes her head and opens her mouth to argue but again he doesn't let her. "I needed you to be safe. It was the only thing that kept me sane in there. As long as I knew that you were alright I could go through anything because I knew you were waiting for me to come back."
"I thought you were dead." Sam interrupts him. "I thought you were dead and they made me take your place. They gave me SG-1, they promoted me, I didn't try anything to go look for you. I left you there to die." Her voice is thick with emotions, the pain so evident in them as a tear runs down her cheek.
"No, Sam. You didn't." Jack shakes his head and strokes away the teardrop. "You kept me going. I asked you to live for me and you did. I wouldn't have wanted any other officer to have taken my place on SG-1. You're the only one I trust with that. And you couldn't have gone looking for me because frankly you wouldn't have found me. You did what they expected you to do and I know for sure you did the best you could." Her mouth opens again but he places his finger once more on her lips. "Without you, I wouldn't have been here. I would have given up a long time ago. But it was your face, the idea of you waiting for me to come back home, that gave me the strength to keep going. Day in, day out it was you that kept me sane."
Sam sighs and Jack can feel the air brushing over his hand. "But I didn't wait." She protests once again.
Jack wishes he has something to prove to her that she really did because in his mind he knows it is true. Then his eyes notice the dull glitter coming from her dogtags that found their way from under her t-shirt. "Yes, you did." He moves his hand away from her face and touches the plaques. "Yes, you did."
Sam's eyes move from his face toward his hand and she notices the three dogtags there. A sob escapes her throat as the walls that she had held up come tumbling down. She all but sags down on the bed and throws her arms around his neck, embracing him as tightly as she dares to, scared to hurt his already aching body. Jack seems to throw caution to the wind though as his arms wind around her and he pulls her down against him, burying his face in her neck.
Finally, at last he is home.
***
Janet finds herself staring through the window of her office towards the Colonel's bed. He had woken up earlier, clearly disorientated and unaware of where he was. It was Sam's presence that seemed to have calmed him down. When she had seen the way he had woken up, Janet had raced towards him and called out when she noticed he was about to tear the IV out of his arm. Just the sound of her voice seemed to have made him panic even more. Luckily Sam hadn't disappeared the night before. Instead she had settled herself down in a chair near his bed and remained there the whole night. A blessing it seems now as Janet can't imagine that anyone else could have brought Jack back to the present.
The doctor sighs as she realises that he still has a long way to go before he would handle these new demons. At least he wouldn't be facing them alone. She smiles as she watches how Sam is whispering to the Colonel who is listening to her every word with his eyes closed. They're both smiling and Janet can't help but grin about that.
There is a soft rap on the door and a head peaks in.
"You busy?" Daniel Jackson asks. She shakes her head and he invites himself into her office. His eyes right away move into the infirmary and a smile of his own appears. "I'm glad to see them talking. I really didn't know what to think when Sam pulled that vanishing trick last night."
Janet nods and looks away from the Colonel and Sam. "I guess she needed to sort some things out first. She turned up in the middle of the night."
Daniel merely nods and turns around, facing Doctor Fraiser. "Will he be alright?" He asks concerned about his friend.
Janet swallows. "I hope so but I think only time will tell. And mostly it will depend on whether or not he wants to heal himself."
The archaeologist nods and seems to weigh her words. They both know about Jack's stubbornness to allow himself some peace of mind. "General Hammond requested a debriefing together with SG-1 in an hour." He informs Janet.
She just nods and sighs as her eyes drift towards Sam and Jack again. Carter isn't talking anymore as it seems that O'Neill finally drifted asleep again. "Let me guess, he wants to talk to the Colonel."
"Of course he wants that. We all want to know what happened." Daniel points out.
"I know Daniel, so do I." She watches Sam straighten the sheets and there is a tenderness in her movements that betrays just how much she missed the man. "I'm just worried about how prepared Jack will be to tell us."
"So am I." Comes the soft reply as Daniel is watching Sam as well.
TO BE CONTINUED
A/N: Once again thank you everyone for sticking with me on this. I wasn't sure where to take this next chapter but the reviews made me make up my mind. Yes, it is a fluffy chapter and what can I say? I'm a sucker for fluffiness. Sam and Jack did deserve some sort of break from tormenting themselves, I think. Please let me know if you like where this is going.
Angel of fire, I considered explaining what Sam said the night before but then thought that sometimes the imagination is just more powerful than anything I can put down here.
Angela, I swear I am updating this story as fast as my muse allows me to! Thanks for your patience and I hope the waiting has been worth it.
A/N²: In the meanwhile I just couldn't resist myself and made my own fan fiction page. Please feel free to pay me a visit there! http://users.skynet.be/semperarchive/stargate/sg-1.html