Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion, it is in fact owned by Gainax. Neither is there any intention to copy the works of any other writers. Any similarities in plot, situations, character dialogue, etc. found between this fic and any other fic is unintentional and purely coincidental.
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Pre-Story Author's Notes: This pertains to the production and release of the story, so please read at least the first few lines of this.
This story was originally released sometime late last year I think, in October or November. Back then it was titled Moonlight Sonata. However at the time I didn't know that there was a story written long before mine, by an author named Hotwire, called Moonlight Sonata. So out of respect for the author, I have changed the name of my story to Choose Life.
Furthermore, I had planned for this story to be released as one work, however readers suggested that in order to make it more "reader friendly", I should break it down into parts. So I broke it down into three parts. Then I released the chapters as I finished editing them individually. That wasn't such a good idea. As it turned out, after reading the third chapter, I discovered…that I really didn't think that I flowed well at all. So I erased the entire thing and re-did it. The process repeated itself several times until I finally got what I wanted. Then I looked over the first two parts and I decided they needed a little bit of grammar editing as well, so I pulled the story entirely and decided to do something I would never normally dare do, release a revised edition.
I know it's been a few months, but I have excuses, not reasons. College, full time work, bills, SO and other shit…
So here it is. I hope you enjoy it. All reviews are greatly appreciated (don't worry to all of those who reviewed the first time around, I saved the reviews before I pulled the story). If you believe that story is wonderful, great. If you think I should meet with some unfortunate accident involving my garbage disposal, so be it.
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Choose Life, Part 1
I am the being known as Rei Ayanami. I had always hoped that one day I could call myself a Lillum or rather, a human. But for the longest time I didn't know what I was, or I should say I didn't know what to call myself. I had never felt emotions and was utterly ignorant to the fact that they existed, that is, up until a certain point in my life. Of course I noticed a distinct behavioral difference between others and myself, but I never paid much attention to those differences, or rather I had been taught not to pay attention. Commander Ikari had always told me that the differences made me special. He told me that I had none of their weaknesses and all of their strengths. He told me that unlike them, I had a purpose.
So it was that for the longest time, I had been under the impression that I was expendable, that I could always be replaced. I don't remember ever feeling comforted by that, but it made my existence much easier. In fact, I don't remember feeling anything at all, until the appearance of the Third Child or rather, Pilot Ikari…or maybe even Shinji Ikari. Yes, Shinji Ikari…that works well, but I digress. So imagine the disquiet I felt when I was told that I could no longer be replaced, that I was no longer Rei Ayanami the Third, Second or even First, but just plain Rei Ayanami.
I believe that was the first feeling, or rather emotion, I had felt as the Third. However, one could say that the first emotions that I had were as the Second, so I could start my story there. But then there is a large gap in time that I would have to fill, so maybe I'll start at the time that I felt the disquiet at being told that I was no longer replaceable. As I think, that is too long ago. So I shall start at three weeks ago, when I felt something that was much stronger…
*******
The day had been a Saturday, and it began like any of my other days. I woke up at six and my breakfast consisted of a cup of tea with some miso soup, tofu and green onions. It would have been a traditional Japanese breakfast, except I had no fish, an oversight on my part the last time that I went to the market. Fish had always been one of the few meats that I would eat and even then, I ate it sparingly. I had always and still do, detest the idea of eating another animal's flesh. I feel that it is a waste of life. After all, why kill another animal for nutrients that could be acquired by ingesting a vegetable?
So after my breakfast, I practiced playing the piano for about an hour. I shall explain how I acquired the piano when the time proves more suitable. After practicing a bit on various pieces, I had turned to reading Frankenstein, a book I had seen in the store a day before. Again, I shall explain how I learned to speak and read English, more or less fluently, at a more reasonable time. I was disturbed from my reading by a knocking on my door. I went to see who it was, and found Lt. Col. Katsuragi and Pilot Sohryuu, or rather Misato and Asuka, standing at my door.
Asuka had a surly coupled with embarrassed look upon her face. Yet its strange that I cannot remember Asuka before then being anything but surly. Misato had pleasant, yet businesslike air to her.
"Good morning Rei! I hope we're not disturbing you." Misato began in a cheerful voice. Asuka muttered something under her breath that I did not catch, but whatever she said had warranted an elbow jab from Misato.
"Good morning Colonel Katsuragi." I replied, for even then, I had not been accustomed to referring to her by her given name.
"We're not on duty Rei. Please call me Misato." I can not recall how many times we had gone through that routine. My usual response would have been that she was a superior and that I should call her by her title. Then she would respond with a sigh, I think of exasperation. However I did not respond in that fashion, instead just nodding.
"For what reason are you at my residence?" I asked, just a tad curious of why they were there.
"Well…" Misato had begun hesitantly, "It's rather complicated. May we enter?"
"Of course." I replied and stepped aside so that they could enter. Eventually, we were all seated in my dining area. I felt the tension between Asuka and Misato, and their demeanors slowly began to change. Asuka seemed to be uneasy, while Misato became more businesslike.
"I would like to ask a favor of you Rei." Misato began.
"A favor?" That had piqued my curiosity, for at the time I had heard the term 'favor' used before, but I never really knew the exact meaning.
"Yes, a favor. Would it be an inconvenience to you if…" Misato seemed to trail off nervously for a second before catching herself. "What I mean to ask is, if you would mind Asuka living with you." I noticed out of the corner of my eye Asuka blushing, but I dismissed it for my thoughts were occupied elsewhere. The question had rather confused me since I was not exactly sure what Misato had meant. Understand that I had always lived alone for as long as I could remember, and the thought of someone living in the same apartment with me was rather foreign and should I say, uncomfortable? Yes, uncomfortable.
"Colonel…"
"Misato." She was quick to correct me.
"Misato…" I restarted, "You wish to know…if I would be inconvenienced should Asuka be quartered with me?"
"Yes." She affirmed simply. I admit I was greatly at a loss of what to say or do, so I replied in the way that I usually did when confronted with such a situation.
"Is that an order?" I heard two sighs, one of exasperation, another of relief.
"No Rei." Misato said in a disappointed tone. I felt something then that I could only place as being relief, for it made my decision much easier.
"I am sorry. Unfortunately, I do not have the required space to accommodate another resident here." Then I noticed Asuka's mood change drastically.
"All right then, you heard her Misato, let's go." That had been the first time I had heard Asuka speak since they had arrived. "She doesn't have enough room. So you'll just have to find someplace else."
"Thank you for your time Rei." Misato said tiredly and stood up.
Now all the time that they had been there, I had not been informed to the nature of their visit. They had asked me a rather unusual question without explaining themselves, and to say the least, I found that rather curious. At any other occasion I would've left it at the way it was, but at the same time the curiosity that I felt was unusually strong, so I decided that it was better to satisfy this odd feeling rather than fight it and question why I felt it.
"Colonel…"
"Misato."
"Misato, would you please explain to me why Sohryuu is changing residence?" I asked as I walked them to the door.
"Hey Wonder Girl! Mind your own business all right?" It came to my attention then that Asuka was very sensitive about that matter, which for some odd reason seemed to goad my curiosity further.
"Asuka!" Misato reprimanded her sharply.
"I am curious." I replied.
"Why do you want to know?" Asuka continued ignoring Misato. "Would it change the situation any?"
"It might." I said. Both of them were silent after that. Misato stood in my open doorway seeming to think about my response while Asuka seemed to develop the blush again.
"Well, it seems that recently there has been a situation." Misato began.
"Misato!" Asuka cried out in protest, her blush deepening.
"What kind of situation?" I inquired.
"I found out that Shinji and Asuka have been sleeping together." She finished. I do believe that at that point, Asuka's face was as red as her hair and she had both hands covering her face, a reaction that at that time I found most…interesting.
"I do not see the problem." I replied, at the time ignorant to the euphemism Misato used. "Did they not sleep together while training to fight the 7th Angel?"
"I mean, I found out that Shinji and Asuka were carrying on…um…" Misato seemed now rather uncomfortable, and it didn't take long for me to deduce the meaning of the euphemism. I may not be the most socially adept being, but I'm by no means stupid.
"You mean Ikari and Sohryuu have been carrying on a sexual relationship." I don't know why the feeling hadn't struck me the moment I deduced what she meant. Maybe it was that I needed to hear it for it to have an impact, but not a second after I finished her sentence, did the feeling hit me at full force. At the time I could only describe it as feeling greatly disturbed, or very ill. I even felt a bit of, was it, dislike? Yes, a bit of dislike for Asuka. At that moment, I lost track of time as for the first time, I felt myself at a loss for words. Granted I never spoke much in the first place, but as I felt the need to say something just then, I could only open and close my mouth without a sound.
"Well?" Misato asked nervously. I realized then that they were waiting for some sort of a response from me.
"Does…Commander Ikari know about this?" I found myself bringing him up again. I think it was then that I fully realized that having him as a topic was a defense mechanism when I was caught in situations that I was unsure of.
"Yes. He ordered that Asuka and Shinji now live in separate homes. He thought it best if Asuka could share a home with you since you are her fellow pilot and a female." Misato paused a moment as if to think about something. "But he made it clear to me that if it was an inconvenience to you, that I should not force the arrangement."
"It would be no trouble." I found myself saying without hesitation. In retrospect, I said it rather hurriedly.
"Really? You mean that you could find some room for her?" Misato asked hopefully.
"I'm sure that I could…find some accommodations for her." I said in a much calmer way than I felt.
*******
Now that I think about it, I was more disturbed by the feeling I had than by the actual knowledge of the so-called situation. Either way, I spent the rest of the day sitting on my piano bench sorting through exactly what it was that I was feeling. Why did it disturb me to hear that Shinji and Asuka were intimate? The only answer that I could come up with was that in some unknown way and form, I cared about Shinji. In reflection, I believe that I had always cared about him, consciously or not, but if I cared about him, then wouldn't I be satisfied with the knowledge that he would be happy in a relationship with Asuka? However, I had never held a too great opinion of Asuka. In truth, I had always found her brash, vulgar, obnoxious, insufferable and rude. Maybe it was that I wanted better for Shinji? I wondered then, was what I felt jealousy?
But what confused me the most, after much thought, was that how they could carry on a relationship at all. The two seemed like such complete opposites that any romantic relationship between them seemed illogical. Then again, it was possible to have a relationship based purely on the notion of sexual gratification, but that idea bothered me even more than the former idea. Even as I tried to sleep, my thoughts drifted back to the situation and after realizing that I wouldn't be getting much sleep, I got out of bed and I tried to put myself at ease by looking out my window at the moon and the stars.
It was not the first time I had ever gone star gazing. In fact, it had been a regular thing for me ever since I can remember. When I was young, the night sky always intrigued me. Everything was so pure, from the vast expanse, to the clouds, the stars and the moon. One could say it was an escape from my everyday existence, or a way to forget about how the other children treated me. I never desired friendship from any of them, and at the same time I didn't like being made to feel uncomfortable.
My favorite nights were when the sky was clear, and the moon was not quite full, and the light pollution was lower than normal. I would admire the way the soft moonlight played across the landscape, making even the most derelict areas look holy. I would dream foolish dreams that children will have, and the one that has always stuck out in my memory was that I wished to be one of the stars. Everything was so magnificent, that although I've always been an atheist, sometimes I couldn't help but to ask myself, "How can there be no God?"
As I stood watching the stars, I saw one flicker momentarily before it began to fall toward the earth. As it fell, it began to burn brighter, leaving an ever-longer trail behind it in the sky. Just before it reached the horizon though, it petered out and vanished, leaving only the trail behind.
*******
For a while it had been a regular occurrence that Shinji attend Sunday morning prayers at church with the Commander, or rather his father. Sometimes I accompanied them, but more often than not I kept my distance, since those constitutionals were usually awkward. That morning I attended for a specific reason, however I had attended enough times so that my unannounced presence did not surprise Commander Ikari or Shinji.
The Commander was among the pews, kneeling in prayer. I was kneeling beside him, mainly out of conformity to the situation than to actually pray. Shinji arrived late and kneeled without a word next to his father. He seemed to be unusually agitated, most likely because that would be his first informal, if one could call it informal, meeting with his father since his relationship with Asuka had been discovered.
"Good morning father. G-good morning Ayanami, it's um…nice to…" Shinji began after a little while of silence.
"You are disrupting my thoughts." The Commander said coldly, and Shinji went silent.
I looked over my shoulder at Shinji, and felt a trace of…pity? The Commander was never a father to him, even in the years of semi-peace when they began to speak to each other on informal occasions. My dedication to the Commander over the years kept me from caring or even noticing that he treated me better than he treated his own flesh and blood, but that little detail made itself known to me not long after SEELE's attack.
When the Commander was finished, he genuflected ceremoniously and stood up. Shinji and I followed suit and we silently filed out of the pew and down the center aisle. The Commander dipped his fingers in the holy water at the entrance of the church and genuflected one last time before exiting.
"Father I…" Shinji began timidly as we exited the church.
"Your relationship with the Second Child is unacceptable." The Commander cut him off rather coldly, and once again I could not repress a feeling of pity for Shinji who winced at the remark.
"Her name is Asuka." Shinji responded. "I'm trying to tell you that we did what we did because we love each other."
"You're only seventeen. What do you know of love?"
"I know that I care about her more than myself…"
"Which is why your relationship with her is unacceptable. Booth for three please." We had arrived at the diner across the street from the church and were promptly seated by an agitated looking waiter. "What you don't seem to grasp boy, is that you and the Second Child are soldiers. Soldiers should do their duty and refrain from emotional attachment to any comrades in arms. If you were to form a relationship with any other girl, I would not have a problem with it. Two eggs over easy with toast and coffee. Hold the bacon."
"Damn it father," Shinji's voice was low and his expression still slightly timid, but I could read the anger in his eyes and through the tone of his voice. "Her name is Asuka."
"I know what her name is."
"Why can't you leave me be?"
"Because you are a foolish child jeopardizing the safety of the human race." I found Commander Ikari's statement rather ironic, considering my supposed purpose.
"You can't stop us from having a relationship."
"I could take one of you off piloting status." The Commander had hinted.
"I would gladly stop piloting."
"But would she?"
"Why don't you ask her?"
"You would doom our race for this relationship?" After that, Shinji only stared at his father in silence. A trace of a smirk had appeared on the Commander's face and it was only when his meal came that he spoke again. "Very well. Have your fling if you must, but I do not expect to see your synchronization points dropping." He finished the last part of his demand icily. "And as an afterthought, I want you to know that I am only allowing this because there is one angel left and that there are no current threats to NERV other than that. You are dismissed."
Shinji nodded and briefly glanced at me before standing up from the booth and leaving. I sat next to the Commander in deep thought, for their discussion of Shinji's relationship with Asuka had once again brought up feelings I was unfamiliar with. When Shinji had said that he loved Asuka, I could not at the time describe what I felt. It seemed like there were two emotions at once attacking my senses, and I was scared.
"It would seem that Pilot Sohryuu has had an effect upon his personality." I ventured hesitantly.
"Yes. It seems that exposure to the Second Child has made the Third Child a bit more forceful." I noticed a slight tremble in his voice when he spoke. It was almost as if the thought scared him. "Foolish children."
"Commander…" I began a little shakily.
"Yes Rei?"
"How can one person have such a great effect upon another?" I immediately regretted asking that question. The Commander froze, and his demeanor very quickly darkened. Then he turned to me and smiled one of his rare smiles.
"You don't have to worry about that Rei." I usually found comfort in his smiles, for he usually smiled only for me. However, that time I found it upsetting and for a while I was scared to move. Just then I heard a crow caw and I saw that one had landed just outside of our booth's window. Gazing past the crow I recognized Shinji across the street talking to the Fifth Child, and I had immediately remembered the reason why I had been there that morning.
"Excuse me Commander, but I have to prepare for Pilot Sohryuu's arrival at my residence this afternoon." I spoke calmly, as I always did.
"Rei…" He started quickly and caught my hand. The feeling was uncomfortable, and it took all the willpower that I had to keep from yanking my hand away. "You know you don't have to do this."
"I know." I said and gently pulled away from his touch.
I exited the restaurant as quickly as possible without seeming rude and I made my way over to where the Fifth Child was talking to Shinji.
"Rei!" The Fifth said brightly at my approach.
"Good morning Pilot Nagisa." Let it be known that I had always disliked and distrusted the Fifth. If anyone were to ask me why I didn't like him, I would have told them that I found his presence to be intrusive and uncomfortable. The actual reason I kept to myself, and that was that he was not like everyone else.
I guess that he was much like me in a way, and yet unlike me. While I showed no emotion yet every so often felt some, he exuded what appeared to be emotions and demeanors that I sensed were unreal. He smiled, laughed and joked with Shinji and his friends, but I felt nothing from him. I find it difficult to explain, and the only other way that I can put it is that although he would look happy, I could not feel any happiness emanating from him. The Fifth exuded emptiness.
"A-Ayanami. Um…hi. I thought you would be um…having breakfast with my father." Shinji said in his friendly yet ever-agitated manner.
"I already had breakfast this morning. But in any case I came this morning because I wished to speak to you."
"Oh…um…gee, I'm kind of in a rush. I was supposed to meet Kaworu here and we were going to go back and help Asuka pack. He got here kind of late so we should get back before Asuka gets angry."
"See Rei, Shinji is henpecked already." Nagisa said and laughed softly.
"I would be willing to accompany you and help…" I began.
"N-no! That wouldn't be a good idea, with Asuka being in the mood that she is. Um…I'll see you later on this afternoon, and we'll talk then, okay? And thank you for having Asuka." Before I could say anything more, the Fifth and Shinji were walking quickly down the street, leaving me even more confused state than I had been in the night before.
*******
Misato, Asuka, Shinji and Nagisa had arrived approximately at one that afternoon. I had once again attempted to distract myself from my turmoil by playing some of Bach's pieces on the piano. Unfortunately my thoughts would not let me be even there, as my mind kept wandering back to the incident earlier that day.
I had first experienced Shinji avoiding me just after my revival as the third Rei. At the time, not all of my memories and feelings from the Second had resurfaced in my mind, so it had not bothered me. Bit by bit, memories began to return and one day, I found myself attempting to familiarize myself with Shinji as I had done in the past. My attempt had been futile as Shinji felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety while being around me.
Only as I think about it now, do I realize that was the first time that I had experienced hurt feelings. For a while I had been confused, and when I confronted Dr. Akagi on the matter, she told me that Shinji knew of my origin. I had thought that an explanation for Shinji's reaction would ease the discomfort, but it didn't. I had some understanding of why he reacted the way he did, but the hurt never left.
I was interrupted from my thoughts by the fluttering of wings. I looked out the glass door leading to the balcony but saw nothing. I figured that while I was at the balcony doors, I might as well let some fresh air in. When I opened them I was met with a cool breeze dancing slowly up my arms and face and making its way through my hair, gently pulling and tugging at my clothes. I took notice of the sky and of the overcast. Rain teased at my sense of smell, and I remember feeling a hint of disappointment that perhaps I would not be able to star gaze that night because of a storm.
It was then that there came a loud banging on the door. I was startled back to reality, or as startled as I could have been at the time, and I answered the door.
"Hi Rei! We're here! Sorry we're a bit late, but trying to fit the futon in the elevator by ourselves was an absolute mess." Misato had looked as cheerful as always, and I had the distinct feeling that she had ingested a few beers prior. "And we brought lunch! I know you're a vegetarian, so I brought you a salad."
"Thank you for the gesture, but it is quite unnecessary. I have already eaten…" I trailed off as I saw Shinji and Nagisa hauling a futon out of the elevator. Both of their faces were red with strain and their shirts stained with sweat. "Do…they require assistance?" I asked. Misato looked confused for a second but followed my gaze to the two young men and she laughed.
"They're fine. They got it down the elevator and into the truck, and they seem to be doing fine now."
"I was not aware that you owned a truck."
"Oh, I don't. We rented a moving truck for all of Asuka's things. I drove the truck and Makoto is driving Asuka here in my car."
"Hi…Ayanami…where's the spare room?" Shinji asked as he caught his breath.
"Down the hall and to the right." I said and moved out of the way so that they could enter. Misato made her way into my apartment first and set down the bags of fast food on my dining table.
"Thanks." Shinji said and gave me a nervous smile before lifting his end of the futon and brushing past me into the living room.
"Here's your salad if you want it." Misato said and held up a plastic container filled with what could have been salad.
"Thank you." I replied and nodded just as Nagisa and Shinji reentered the living room from what would be Asuka's room.
"Well, your job's not done boys. Back downstairs with you and bring up the bed frame. The sooner this gets done, the sooner we can have lunch." Misato said and held up one of the bags as an enticement. Shinji had groaned and Nagisa had laughed as they left tiredly to head back downstairs.
"Is there anything that I can be doing to help?" I asked, feeling a little anxiety.
"Nope. You're doing enough by letting Asuka move in with you. Besides," She continued as she sat down on my couch, "Moving is a man's job. What else is their testosterone for?" She gave me a wink and looked at her watch. "Where are Makoto and Asuka? They have my beer in that car."
"It's no trouble Colonel…"
"Misato."
"Misato, it is no trouble letting Sohryuu board with me, I assure you. It will also give me a chance to get to know her better." My saying the last part came as a surprise, even to me. Misato gave me a funny look and laughed.
"You're an interesting person Rei."
"Thank you." I replied, unsure of how else to respond.
"Be careful you dolt! That's my bed frame! I will not sleep on a broken bed!" A rather loud voice echoed from down the hall.
"Sorry! Sorry!" Misato laughed and shook her head.
"Looks like everyone's here." She said and stood up.
"Makoto and Kaworu are on their way up with the head and foot of the bed." Shinji said tiredly as he and Asuka made their way into the apartment.
"Why don't you get up off your lazy ass Misato and help us?" Asuka fumed.
"We're doing this because of you. By right, I don't have to do anything." Misato said smugly and crossed her arms across her chest. "Oh, and are my beers down in the car?"
"Yeah." Asuka called back from the hall.
"I'll be right back with the cooler! You guys can have a lunch break!" Misato called back at them as she left the apartment.
I took this pause to check the salad that Misato had bought for me from an unknown fast food restaurant. I remember my only thought being, 'Do they deep fry the salads as well?' I then placed it in my refrigerator with the intent of later discarding it, but not wanting to do so at that very moment for fear of being imprudent.
"Jeez I'm hungry. I had no idea it would take that long." Shinji said as he reentered the living room. He had removed his white over shirt, and his blue T-shirt stuck to him with sweat.
I found then that something held my gaze upon him, and I couldn't help but stare for a little while and I could feel an unfamiliar tingling sensation on my cheeks. After I realized what I was doing, I looked away and began to search my cupboards for a glass. After filling the glass with water, and placing a few cubes of ice in it, I offered it to Shinji who once again smiled nervously at me and thanked me before drinking.
I don't know if he caught me looking at him, but I suspect that Asuka did. I saw her lip curve slightly into a sneer and when I made eye contact with her, I could sense her exuding more anger than usual.
"Oh, is it break time?" Nagisa asked as he and Hyuga entered carrying the head and foot of Asuka's bed respectively.
"Yeah." Shinji replied as he got a burger for himself and Asuka. Nagisa and Makoto grabbed burgers for themselves as well, after having dropped off Asuka's bed items in her room.
"I got drinks." Misato said and entered carrying a cooler.
Lunch seemingly flew by as everyone, besides myself of course, conversed and joked. Once lunch was over and done with, the three males and Asuka went back to moving everything into the apartment while Misato, being half plastered, sat with me on the couch and jeered them as they worked.
Everything had been over and done with by the time my clock tolled seven in the evening. Misato had ordered out pizza, making sure that one of them was half vegetarian so I wouldn't have to pick the meat by products off their pizzas. By the time everyone was ready to leave, it was eight.
"Well, I'll take the truck back with Kaworu. Makoto, thank you so much for helping out." Misato said from the doorway from my apartment.
"Oh, it was nothing really." The technician said and blushed slightly. "I'll follow you in the car with Shinji."
"And thank you so much Rei." Misato said and then all of a sudden came forward and gave me a large hug. Needless to say, I was rather stunned at such a sudden gesture and could only stand stiff rather than return the hug.
"I've already stated Colonel…"
"Misato. Please call me Misato." She pleaded with me.
"Misato, I've already stated that it is no trouble at all."
"Yes, thank you so much." Shinji said and smiled at me.
"Yeah. Thanks a bunch Wonder Girl." I believe that Asuka had tried to mutter her comment under her breath, but she was close enough to me so that I picked up on it.
"Well, then we'll be on our way." Misato said and started towards the elevator. "Good night Rei! Good night Asuka!"
"You can head down you guys. I'll meet you at the car Makoto, I've got something I need to do." As Shinji said this, my thoughts once again turned to what I had wished to ask Shinji earlier that day.
However, as the elevator doors closed, I found that what he needed to do did not concern me. Asuka's arms quickly wrapped around Shinji and she pulled him into a soft kiss. They whispered some things to each other and shared one last kiss before parting. It was only then that Shinji seemed to notice that I was still standing there.
"Good night Rei." He said and blushed bashfully.
*******
That night I played a few mournful pieces by Bach on my piano. Since Shinji had left, Asuka had gone to take a shower, and when she finished, had basically shut herself up in her new room. The clock chimed ten and my feelings were in turmoil.
Shinji had hurt me in a way that I had never felt before. As my memories had resurfaced, I remembered him being kind and comforting. He had been the only person to make the effort to try and get to know what little of me there was. But since he found out what I was, I concluded then that he had been definitely avoiding me. Did where I come from really matter that much? Because I was not born an individual like humans, did that make me a lesser being?
I found then that I could no longer play the piano very well, so I stopped and walked out onto the balcony. As I stepped out, I felt the cool air envelope me like a silk sheet. I then looked out upon Tokyo-3, and saw the lights of the city's center glimmer in an artificial likeness of the stars.
I thought how odd it was that humans judged each other by such petty standards as origin. I thought then, that I understood the purpose for which I had been created. The human race was imperfect and was destined for destruction. The only way to save it would be for the Commander and myself to take the human race to its most pure form of evolution.
However, as my gaze shifted to the sky, I noted that my newfound understanding did not comfort me any. The sky was overcast, and I noticed the temperature dropping. There would be no storm that night, but my disappointment at the fact that I could not see the stars remained.
I then went back into the apartment to ready myself for bed, and I saw that Asuka had been waiting for me. I could immediately sense her displeasure and felt a confrontation in the immediate future.
"Wonder Girl."
"Sohryuu." I acknowledged. She was silent for a little while, and I saw her eyes scanning me, I guess I could say to size me up.
"Since we're going to live together, I wanted to make a few things clear." She finally began. "I don't like you, and I don't like the situation that I'm in. If I could have it my way, I'd be living by myself. But you couldn't let that happen, you have to nose your way into my personal life." Her voice then dropped menacingly. "Stay out of my way Wonder Girl. Stay out of my business, and we just might be able to coexist until the end of the year."
"Sohryuu." I had stopped her before she could leave the living room.
"What do you want Wonder Girl?"
"How long have you and Ikari been carrying on a relationship?"
"Didn't I say not to pry into my business?" And with that she left the room and I heard the door to her room shut.
*******
I should take the time now to explain certain things, though not to worry, I shall be brief given the compressed amount of time that I have.
The Seventeenth Angel never appeared, however without the appearance of the Seventeenth Angel, the Commander could not enact his plan, and neither could SEELE. It wasn't long though before SEELE finally had enough of the Commander and sent in an attack force to invade NERV and forcefully remove the Commander from his post. Due to the efforts of Shinji, the newly arrived Fifth Child, and myself, NERV was able to stop and defeat the invading force. The result was an international political crisis.
Members of SEELE were rooted out in UN investigations, however not many of the commanding members of SEELE were found. The Commander, amongst the turmoil, had effectively…dispatched of them. The mass production Eva units were found as well and an effort by the UN were made to dispose of them.
During this time, Asuka had awakened from her coma creating quite a dramatic episode in the lives of Shinji, Misato and their friends. After some time, Asuka was once again commissioned as the pilot of Evangelion Unit-02. I had also entered a period of emotional instability because I had become unsure of when I would fulfill my purpose. The Commander assured me that the time would come and everything would go according to plan, whether the timing was accurate or not. It was during that time that the Commander bought me the piano in which I now possess, and had me learn to play as a way to calm my nerves. Not to say that I didn't like playing the violin, it was just that for some odd reason, I found the sounds of the piano to be a bit more comforting.
Since then, Unit-03 was repaired and effectively debugged of any remaining traces of the Thirteenth Angel. I was assigned as Unit-03's leading pilot while the Fifth remained as a backup pilot. The Fourth was retired because of injuries and was allotted full pension as well as complete access to the NERV medical facilities for himself and his family.
*******
The next day was a school day, and there was no major change in the weather. I had left for school before Asuka had woken. I had made it to class early as usual and I had begun to read my book. I found it a good distraction from my current feelings and found myself intrigued by the obsession of Frankenstein. I became engrossed even further when I read of how he shunned his creation just moments after achieving what he had always wanted. It was then that I heard a soft voice behind me.
"Um…excuse me, Ayanami?" I turned to see Class Representative Hikari Horaki standing rather nervously beside my desk.
"Yes?"
"Um…I heard that Asuka had moved into your apartment, and I was just wondering if that were true." I found this question rather absurd for the time being, and felt a hint of…irritation at the mentioning of Asuka since she and I were not on the best of terms.
"Could you not inquire with her when she arrives?" I asked. I now realize that my unchanging and neutral voice was a major part of why many people found me uncomfortable to be around. A person's emotions can be told through the intonation of their voice, and since mine remained neutral, it made it very difficult to read me.
"I'm sorry." She said quickly and began to move away from my desk. I don't know why, but then I felt a tinge of remorse for having made her uncomfortable with my response.
"Sohryuu has moved into my residence." I said just loud enough for her to hear. She seemed rather surprised and even flustered by my response and after a little while, clumsily bowed and thanked me. As I turned back to my book, I noticed the regular stream of student begin to enter class. I checked the clock at the front of the room and saw it was only five minutes until school began. So instead of continuing, I marked my page and put my book away.
"Rise. Bow. Sit." The routine went by as usual, and instead of my gazing outside of the class window, I turned to look upon the faces of my classmates. Suzuhara was asleep at his desk, his prosthetic leg jutting out into the aisle. Aida was typing something unseen on his laptop. I deduced however that he was typing to Shinji, and most likely about Asuka since Shinji was typing on his laptop as well with a noticeable blush on his face. What amazed me most was how fast news regarding fellow students seemed to get around. Just the day before, Asuka had moved in and already they were gossiping about it. Nagisa sat and stared at the blackboard, Asuka I noticed was asleep as well, while Horaki sat diligently recording notes. The rest of the class was either doodling on pieces of paper or half attempting to take notes.
The day drew out and when lunch rolled around I as quickly and quietly as possible stood up left the classroom with the hopes of avoiding any questions regarding Asuka's recent move into my apartment. However, luck was not with me and I found myself being flagged down by Suzuhara and Aida.
"Ayanami! Ayanami! Has Asuka really moved in with you?" Aida was able to voice the first question. I saw Asuka and Shinji running down the hall, obviously in pursuit of the two boys now in front of me.
"Yes." I replied simply. Before I could excuse myself, I heard another question directed at me.
"Why did Demon move in with you?" Suzuhara managed to ask before finding himself in a chokehold administered by Asuka.
"None of your damn business stooge!" She replied forcefully.
"Guys." Shinji said nervously stepping between the two boys and myself, "Why don't you leave her alone." I was momentarily flattered by his gesture to relieve me of the two annoyances, but only momentarily as I found out the real reason why he didn't wish for them to be bothering me.
"Is it true? Are they doing the naughty together?" Aida asked while taunting the agitated couple. I took a second to analyze the situation. Shinji and Asuka seemed to have the signature red faces of embarrassment. For the first time, I took the time to savor the feeling of wanting to take revenge for being ignored and mistreated.
"Not that I am aware of." I instead heard myself say as I turned and left a stunned Shinji and Asuka as well as a disappointed Suzuhara and Aida.
As quickly as possible, I made my way to the roof of the school. It was someplace that I regularly found peace in being. The rest of the school's population seemed to congregate among the halls and around the school grounds.
I had found that in my current state of being, I had forgotten to pack myself lunch. However, I contented myself to return to the book that I found so interesting. When I first entered high school, I had taken English as a foreign language. All I did with my free time was homework and play the piano, so the idea of indulging in foreign literature spurred me to study English with some ferocity. By the end of my second year, I could fluently read it, and passably speak it.
As I continued to read my book, I became even more engrossed when the monster began its story of living on its own in the human world. He thought himself to be a human, and he came from human parts…yet his origin and the nature of his being made him repulsive to the rest of the world. In some odd way I found myself relating to the monster, and instead of going back to class when the bell rang, I stayed on the roof to continue reading.
I had just finished reading the monster's tale of its life alone in the world when I heard the bell that signaled the end of school. I made my way downstairs and out the front of the school, thinking all the time about the monster's tale and drawing similarities between it and myself. The great difference though that seemed to stick out in my mind was that the monster's creator abandoned it. I knew my creator would never abandon me.
"Ayanami! Ayanami!" I heard a voice calling my name, and recognized it instantly. I did not stop or slow down. "Ayanami." Shinji slowed to catch his breath as he now walked alongside me. "Thank you so much."
"For what?" I asked while knowing full well what he was thanking me for.
"Um…for what you told Toji and Kensuke during lunch."
"Oh." I replied and continued to walk.
"And um…" He continued, once again looking flushed and flustered. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" I asked again knowing what he was referring to.
"I promised yesterday that I would talk to you…and…um…I never did. I sorta…forgot." I noticed out of the corner of my eye, him hanging his head in shame. "I'm sorry." He repeated softly.
"It was no problem." I lied. "It was not important."
"It's no excuse…so…um…well…what would you like to ask me?"
"Forgive me Ikari, but I have something important that I must attend to. Good afternoon." I noticed Shinji looked rather confused, and maybe…guilty?
"You can…um…give me a call, okay?" He called after me, but I didn't answer.
*******
Once I got home, I secluded myself to my room and continued to read my book. I finished the novel sometime around eight, and I left my room to make myself some dinner. As I ate my simple meal, my mind wandered to the events of the day.
The first thing that came to my mind was about my lie to Suzuhara and Aida. I had known about Shinji and Asuka's relationship, and yet I provided a semi-cover for them. I wondered why I had done so. Why should their embarrassment and privacy mean anything to me, especially since I seemed to mean nothing to them?
Then I thought of how I treated Shinji earlier that day. I had been given the opportunity to ask Shinji the questions that had been on my mind, and yet I pushed him away. He did seem remorseful of the fact that he had forgotten about the promise he made the previous day. Though it made no sense that I pushed him away, for although I felt it to be correct at the time, I did not achieve what I had desired and did not feel any better. Could it have been that I was feeling what was known as spite or self-pity?
Did I care about what Shinji felt for me? Did I really yearn for acceptance? I had lived all my life not needing any sort of acceptance at all…right? Why did I care now? Had I ever cared before? The Second cared about Shinji, but that was because he had showed affection toward her…or rather me.
Those feelings of self-pity and longing were the strongest then, than I had ever felt. However, that had not been the first time I had felt such feelings. In fact, ever since I began to regain memories of the Second, I had felt a longing to share the friendship that Shinji once held with her or rather, me.
Though I drew parallels between the creation of Frankenstein and myself, I did not wish for those parallels to be true. The idea that those parallels could even exist made me uncomfortable. But how could I relate to Shinji? How could I relate to humans in general? I thought that although I looked like a human, I did not feel like a human. I felt like a creation, like a shell of a human.
So was my longing to become closer to Shinji a result of a want to feel human? I knew that I had a purpose, I knew that the Commander had always told me to ignore those feelings and that I was special. But since I picked up that cursed book, it seemed that I was becoming less and less content with being "special", and I started to dislike my purpose.
All of a sudden, I didn't want to be special. I wanted to be human. What made a person human? What defined 'happiness'? What made a person happy? What made a person sad? What made a person feel? Why didn't I know what happiness was? Why couldn't I define the turmoil that my heart felt? Why was I so empty? Why?
And then I felt something trickle down my cheek.
"A tear?" I whispered softly to myself. I wondered was I feeling…frustration?
"Hey Wonder Girl, are you deaf?" I heard a familiar voice say from behind me. I turned to see Asuka standing in the living room, her school uniform disheveled and her hair unkempt. "I said I was home." I simply nodded, too confused to say anything.
"I'm…sorry, I did not prepare dinner for you as well." I said, grasping at something to say.
"I had dinner already with Shinji and Misato." She replied with a shrug, "Then Shinji walked me here." Once again, all I did was nod. I turned my head to look at the clock as I heard it begin to chime ten.
"I should be getting to bed. I do not…feel…well." I excused myself and began a retreat towards my room.
"Wonder Girl." She called to me as I reached my room. "I'm not to good with stuff like this…but thanks. You know, for what you did today and all." Without turning around, I nodded, and headed into my room.
*******
The week went by and I left my room only to eat, take my showers and use the bathroom. The overcast never went away, and not even my piano playing could calm the storm inside of me. When Friday arrived, I could not avoid the day since I was obligated to attend a Synchronization test, as was Shinji, Asuka and Nagisa.
"Wonder Girl! Misato's here to pick me up for the synch test! She wants to give you a ride too!" That was how my Friday morning began, with Asuka pounding on my bedroom door and shouting at me. "Come on! You've been in there all week! Let's go! Stop making me wait!" I eventually pulled on my usual attire and joined Misato, Shinji and Asuka downstairs from my apartment.
"Hey Rei! How are you?" Misato was as cheerful as ever. I wondered if she had gone back to ingesting beers for breakfast.
"I am well Colonel." I lied.
"Please Rei, call me Misato. We're not on base yet." And with that, we were in the car and off. Asuka has insisted that she and Shinji sit in the back seat while I sat in the front. Most of the trip to NERV consisted of Misato teasing Shinji and Asuka about being lovers, while I was mercifully left alone to my thoughts.
I wondered what I would do. I basically stayed in my room for an entire week in hopes that those foreign feelings and ideas would leave me to my previously peaceful and simple existence. Unfortunately, it seemed that what I was feeling would not go away, and so I faced a dilemma. Should I continue to ignore these feelings, reasoning that I am special and that I'll never be human? Or should I make an attempt to recognize what I'm feeling, to befriend the one who had once cared for me? Could I become human? Could I learn to feel?
I repeated the question over and over in my head, and I argued point after point with myself. I even did so while half listening to Dr. Ibuki as to what were to happen that day.
"We'll start with the basic synchronization test. Then due to certain recent…developments, there will be a medical examination at the end of the test. Asuka will receive a pregnancy test, while both Shinji and Asuka will receive STD tests. All of you will be subject to a physical exam and a blood test. If everyone understands, then we shall begin with synchronization. You have thirty minutes to suit up and prepare."
Everything seemed to go by in a blur. I vaguely remembering listening to Asuka complain that the STD test being unnecessary since she wasn't promiscuous and that Shinji had been her only sexual partner. I remember being in the entry plug and going through all the procedures. But as much as I tried to concentrate, my thoughts wouldn't leave me be.
"Rei? Is everything okay Rei?"
"Yes." I realized then exactly how much I had been lying.
"Well, try to concentrate Rei. Your score is unusually low today." I nodded. But I could not concentrate. I almost felt relieved when Dr. Ibuki finally called the test to a stop.
"All right, good job everyone. Here are the results. Kaworu had the highest synch score at eighty-one percent. Shinji is next with a synch score of seventy-six percent. Asuka has a score of fifty-two percent, and Rei has a score of twenty-five percent." I heard a collective mumbling from the intercom, which was quickly cut off.
Under normal circumstances, I would have been disturbed that my score was so low, but my mind felt like it was going to burst. I don't know how long I spent in the shower, feeling the warm water wash over my skin. But as I looked at myself in my locker mirror, I felt a coldness flood my body. I took notice then of how pale my skin was, how red my eyes were, and how strange a color my hair was. I knew no one else with skin paler than mine. I never met anyone with red eyes and I never saw anyone with hair that was a natural blue. I thought that maybe, I wasn't really a human after all.
My physical exam went normally, and I found myself with some spare time on my hands before my blood drawing. I further contemplated my thoughts by the poolside with the realization that I would have to make a decision before I was torn apart from the inside. Did looks mean everything though? Just because a few of my physical traits were just a tad different from others, did that make me something other than human? My thoughts were paused as I heard a fluttering of wings, but as I looked around, I saw nothing. However, the brief interruption allowed me time to look at my watch, and I found that the time for my blood test was drawing near.
I left the poolside and as I walked down the halls, I saw Shinji standing at a vending machine, seemingly contemplating what to get. I was inclined to walk by without saying a word, but I got the feeling that if I did not make my decision now, I may not have another chance.
"Ikari." He quickly did an about face with a slightly panicked look in his eyes.
"A-A-Ayanami." He stuttered.
"Are you…unhappy to see me?" I asked timidly, unsure of how to deal with his reaction to my sudden appearance.
"N-no! It's just that…um…you kind of scared me." He said and began to rub the back of his head with a nervous smile. I felt my resolve slowly beginning to fade, as I stood, unsure of how to say what I wanted to say. "So…um…did you want something?" Then something Asuka had said to me earlier that week resurfaced in my mind.
"I…am not familiar with this." I began and felt a slow tingling on my cheeks. "I…wanted to speak with you…but not formally…I have wanted to ask you a few things…but…" Although my voice never wavered, I think he sensed that I was having difficulty.
"Um…sure, I g-guess but…what did you have in mind?"
"After my blood drawing…if you accompany me home, I could talk to you then. Would that be…acceptable?" My face felt like it was burning and an unfamiliar feeling of my innards being wrenched had begun, yet my voice remained unchanged.
"Oh! Well…um…actually Asuka got done with her last test a little while ago and I was going to get her a…er…drink and then go home and do some laundry…and…uh…" His demeanor changed, and he seemed rather awkward and nervous. However, I understood what he was trying to tell me, and I felt a sudden painful sting inside of me.
"It's not a problem. I understand. Maybe some other time." I said and began to walk off. I am unsure of whether there was a wavering in my voice or not. All I could concentrate on at the time was that Shinji turned me away again.
"A-Ayanami! Wait!" And then I felt his hand on my shoulder. "Um…well…Asuka's kind of doing something tonight and…uh…I guess, if you want…um…I could take you someplace to talk…er…maybe a restaurant or…something." I was unsure of what I felt right then. Relief? Maybe…joy? I don't know, but I found myself accepting. "So…um…what t-time…uh…should I c-come by?" I noticed how red his face had gotten, and he seemed to keep looking around nervously.
"Any time would be acceptable."
"Okay…seven?"
"That will be fine." With that, he smiled.
I walked down the halls toward the medical examination room, all the while making mental notes to myself about what I might talk to Shinji about that night. Should I tell all of my feelings, or only some? Would the revealing of too many feelings be uncomfortable for him? When I finally reached the medical examination room, I found Dr. Ibuki making some notes on her clipboard. I stepped into the room, made my presence known and went through with having my blood drawn. I was about to leave when Dr. Ibuki stopped me.
"Rei, before you go, I would like to have a word with you." She said with a concerned and yet nervous expression on her face.
"Yes?" After cleaning up some of her appliances and a few moments of deafening silence, she finally spoke.
"Your synch score today was not at its best, I'm sure you know that." She began with a furrowed brow.
"Yes, I was…distracted."
"That's what I thought, however, Commander Ikari asked me to ask you if your distraction had anything to do with your current living arrangements."
"Why did not the Commander ask me himself?" I asked, slightly curious.
"He had an important prior engagement."
"The current living arrangements present no problem. You may assure the Commander that my recent synch scores were due to personal distractions. The results will not be replicated."
"If it's all the same, I would like to schedule another short synch test for tomorrow afternoon. Will that be a problem?"
"It presents no problem Dr. Ibuki."
"Good. Well then, I guess you're free to go. Have a nice evening." Her features at once took her signature pleasant air. As I turned to leave the room a sudden idea or rather, a question popped into my head.
"Dr. Ibuki?"
"Yes?"
"Am I human?" I didn't turn to look at her, but I felt the awkward silence that followed.
"What brought this up?" She asked, obviously trying to be good humored.
"It is…part of what has been troubling me recently." Another uncomfortable silence ensued.
"Well…I know you were created in the image of a human." She finally answered, thought at first reluctantly and unsure.
"But am I human?" Again silence ensued.
"I…don't know." She said almost ashamedly.
"I see."
"The one who would know is…"
"Dr. Akagi." I finished for her.
"Yes…but she is…"
"Unwell." I opened the door to leave the room, but then Dr. Ibuki said something further.
"Rei, what is the color of your blood?"
"Red."
"Well, look here." I turned to see her pick a sterilized needle from its plastic tube. She then pressed the tip of the needle to the tip of her left ring finger. "What's the color of my blood?"
"Red." I replied, and she smiled warmly at me.
"I hope that helped." As the realization slowly dawned on me, I could only look upon her smiling face.
"Thank you Dr. Ibuki." I said and exited the room.
"I'll see you tomorrow Rei." She called after me just before the door closed. I hadn't gone far when another voice spoke to me.
"Rei, how are you?" It was soft, mellow, and silky.
"I am fine Nagisa." I acknowledged and turned to find him standing just outside of the examination room door, casually leaning against the wall, hands in pockets, and the ever-unbalanced smile upon his face.
"I heard from a certain…little bird that you have a date with Shinji tonight?" He continued and winked knowingly at me. It piqued my curiosity at how he knew, but I quickly came to the conclusion that Shinji probably told him.
"I am unsure if that would be a correct term. However, if you see it that way then yes, that is correct."
"You are aware that Shinji is currently involved with Asuka?"
"Yes, I am aware of that."
"Playing the home wrecker are we?" He said with a soft chuckle.
"I am unfamiliar with that term." He shook his head slowly and straightened his posture out.
"I'm just joking with you Rei. Have a good time tonight." He added the last bit with another soft chuckle. I watched him go, and felt a growing discomfort at his words.
I turned and began to walk towards the elevators, but something caught my eye along the way. I kneeled and picked up from the center of the hall, a black feather.
*******
As I prepared that late afternoon, I felt some…apprehension? Questions upon questions were building up inside of my head. Since my clothes consisted mainly of sleeping pajamas and a school uniforms, my choice of what to wear was somewhat limited. Not that it was something that I found bothersome, but rather it was one of the things that made existing more comfortable for me.
Once I was ready, I found that I still had some time to spare. So I stepped out onto the balcony to evaluate the weather for the evening, and the thing that I noticed most was the smell of rain. It was unusually strong and the clouds were dark and low. I concluded that there would definitely be a storm that night, and so I went back to my room and brought out an umbrella.
After placing the umbrella near the door so I would not forget it, I once again brought out my book and ran my hands over the cover. It was plain in nature and the title was printed in archaic letters for added effect. I found it rather unnecessary and ridiculous since the letters were medieval European while the story took place in the nineteenth century.
"Hey Wonder Girl." I heard Asuka say as she walked into the living room. "I'm going to Hikari's place tonight. Don't wait up for me." And before I could respond, she closed the front door behind her.
Left to my own devices, I placed my book on the couch and I once again began to play the piano. For a change of pace, I played a few pieces by Chopin. Soon it was dark, and I paused for a moment to turn on the lamp and to check the time. I watched as the final seconds to seven ticked down, and as the clock sounded seven, I looked towards the door. My eyes were fixed on the door for several minutes as I kept waiting to hear a knock. When it didn't come, I once again turned my gaze to the clock.
With every second that went by, I felt my heart rate beginning to increase. At first I didn't know what it was that seemed to increase my heart rate. The feeling was only faintly familiar to me. I believe that I was…agitated? Panicking? The minute hand slowly rotated in the clockwise direction, making its way past the four and the five. I had begun to think that Shinji wasn't coming after all, but then I heard an unsure knocking.
I felt relief flood through me as I stood up and went to the door, first turning off the lamp. I opened it to find a nervous Shinji standing in a pair of jeans, a T-shirt and a jacket. It took me by surprise and I believe I must have been staring as he blushed and shifted uncomfortably.
"Good evening Ikari." I said and nodded slightly.
"Sorry, I'm late." He said and smiled nervously at me. "Um…are you ready?"
"I am."
*******
I didn't know where we were going, and Shinji didn't tell me. We left the apartment and Shinji told me that he was going to take me to a coffee shop in one of the more frequented districts of the city. Our walk contained no conversation, only a thick, awkward silence. Although I had not been able to stop the flow of questions entering my mind earlier that day, I couldn't think of any of them. I remember thinking how curious it was that for the first time ever, I felt the need to say something just to disrupt the silence. As I said before, I am not the most socially adept being, so as hard as I tried, I couldn't think of anything to say to him. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Shinji glancing nervously at me, and several times it looked as though he were going to say something before he would stop himself and look away.
It took us a little while to reach the district, but when we got there, I noticed that it was just a strip of restaurants, diners, bars, theatres and gift shops. Couples and groups of young men and women around their late teens and early twenties crowded the sidewalks, talking and joking rather loudly. Bright reds, oranges, greens, blues, and yellows flashed around me. Expensive looking cars in contrasting bright and dark colors clogged the main street honking impatiently at each other, while the combined smell of gourmet foods, popcorn, sweets, coffee, perfume and car exhaust permeated the air. As we continued to walk down the strip, a large group of inebriated youngsters passed us, one of them rather forcefully bumping into me without so much as an apology.
"I think I remember why I prefer to remain at home." I found myself saying without thinking, as I watched the large group make their way farther down the strip.
"It's fine. Happens all the time. Um…it's just a bit farther down. I think you'll like it." Shinji said as he placed a hand on my shoulder, a somewhat unsure yet amused look on his face. I took one last look at the group before turning back to follow him.
We reached the coffee shop…I am afraid I don't remember the name, and as I stepped through the glass double doors, I was welcomed with the rather agreeable smell of fresh brewed coffees and teas. I recall, thinking to myself that Shinji had been right, that I indeed found that place to be rather pleasant.
An assortment of people, entirely different from those on the street, congregated in the coffee shop. Many of them were sitting on couches and cushioned chairs, having civilized conversations about various things. Some preferred to sit by themselves, reading newspapers, magazines and books while some worked on laptops. Indeed, I found that place to be very agreeable.
"Come. There's an open table." Shinji said and led me to a small table next to the wall left of the door. I took a seat comfortably on an elevated chair, facing away from the glass door and windows looking out onto the street. "Um…what would you like?" He asked as he hung his jacket over the back of his chair.
"I am unfamiliar with the menu." I replied.
"Oh! S-sorry, I usually come here with Asuka." Shinji laughed and blushed. "Well, there's um…the menu on the board over there." He continued and pointed to the large wall behind the counter, above where all of their coffee and tea machines were located.
I stood up and walked closer to the counter to see, and I found drinks that I had never even heard of before and can't begin to recall. However, underneath their menu board, I saw lists of names of coffees and teas, many I haven't heard of before. I found my interest immediately focus on the teas, and more specifically, the western teas. It helped that I could read English, and I picked out a tea called Earl Grey.
"And um…if you're hungry there are muffins, bagels, pastries or whatever." Since I had skipped dinner, I found myself curiously browsing through the types of muffins. I picked out a blueberry muffin, and went back to the small table while Shinji placed our order. "They'll tell us when it's ready." He said as he took his seat.
Once again silence descended. Shinji began to fidget with the stirring straws that were placed in a cup-sized container on the table. I found myself staring at him, though I don't think that he saw me since his attention was mainly focused on his straw and the table. Every so often he would glance up and me and smile nervously before returning his attention to the straw. As I sat, I asked myself, 'Why won't Shinji talk to me? Why is he so uncomfortable around me?' I had been given my chance and if I didn't act now, I probably wouldn't have another chance ever. Then it occurred to me that the questions that I was asking myself were some of the very questions that had been popping up in my head all afternoon, though it was also clear to me that suddenly asking such questions would most likely make him even more uncomfortable.
"You said you come here often with Sohryuu." It looked as though Shinji would give himself whiplash as he heard me speak.
"Huh? Oh, um…yeah. She brought me here first. Uh…she said that back in Europe and America, these sorts of places could be found all over." He answered me pleasantly enough. Just then our order was called and he excused himself to pick it up. He returned with my Earl Grey and a hot, coffee based drink for himself, though I doubt that coffee made up more than half of it.
I was unused to tea being so dark, but I ventured a sip. The taste was definitely different. I found it to be much stronger than what I was used to, though not unbearably so. Actually, I found that the rather sweet taste of the blueberry muffin combined with the taste of the tea resulted in a rather enjoyable medium.
"So…um…you said that uh…out there reminded you of why you stay at home?" Shinji ventured after tasting some of his drink.
"Yes. I find large crowds of loud people to be rather crude. The bright lights and the sounds of cars I found to be quite obnoxious." I don't know why but after my response, Shinji smiled.
"Yeah, it can be. But Asuka seems to like it." He shrugged and leaned back.
"How long have you and Sohryuu been in a relationship?" That question seemed to catch him off guard.
"Wha-what?" He responded and blushed.
"Is my question…not acceptable for the time?" I asked, wondering if I had asked something socially unacceptable.
"N-no! I mean, I just wasn't prepared for that. Um…I don't know what you would consider long, but uh…maybe two or three months." He replied.
"I was under the impression that relationships took longer to build to the level of intimacy that you and Sohryuu are at."
"Oh! Well, um…yeah, usually. But um…" Shinji's blush seemed to darken even further. "To tell you the truth, I don't know how Asuka and I got to where we are now." He slumped forward in his chair a little bit. "One moment we're yelling at each other, and practically the next thing I know, I wake up next to the girl of my dreams." His blush faded a little bit and he smiled.
"That is…unusual." I replied, and was rather confused at how he had put it.
I had expected a condensed version of what I had read in so many books. The way I understood it up until that point was that, when a man or a woman was attracted to someone of the opposite sex, they would attempt to woo the other in order to make their affections known. Then, hopefully, the other would reciprocate their feeling and thus a relationship would emerge.
"Yeah…I know." Shinji laughed in an embarrassed way.
"But you love her?" Once again Shinji looked surprised and his blush darkened.
"Wha-what? Oh, of course! Yes, yes I do."
"Does she love you?" As I asked that question, his eyes fell to the table top and he once again began to fidget with the stirring straw.
"I-I-I think so. I hope so." He replied softly.
"You don't know?" I asked curiously.
"No, I don't." I was quiet, digesting what he had said to me. "But she tells me that she does." He replied before he finally looked up. He half attempted to smile before looking back at the table.
Once again, I didn't know what to say. It seemed that my few questions had troubled him, and for some reason I felt…guilt? Once again silence descended and I finished my tea and my muffin while Shinji finished his coffee. The questions still lingered and as Shinji took our trash to the bins, I felt a slight panic that I was running out of time to ask the said questions.
"May I have another tea?" I asked as he came back.
"Um…sure. What do you want?"
"Something lighter in taste. Please pick for me." Shinji looked nervous before nodding and smiling. As he went to order my drink, I pondered which question to ask first. When he returned, I still felt unsure, but I also felt that it had to be done before I lost my resolve.
"Ikari, does my presence make you…uncomfortable?" I asked hesitantly. His demeanor changed immediately, not as though he were flustered, but rather almost defensively.
"Wha-what? Wha-what m-makes you say that?"
"I am aware that my presence makes many people uncomfortable. Your actions mimic those who do find my presence to be uncomfortable. The only people other than the Commander who do not mimic those actions, are Colonel Katsuragi, Sohryuu and Nagisa." As I finished I fell silent for a little bit, and I noticed that Shinji had his head bowed. "I only ask because I remember a time when you would fall under that list of few. Before Dr. Akagi's…breakdown, I was made aware that you knew of my origins. Are my origins what makes you uncomfortable?" His head remained bowed, and his hands moved up to his head, his fingers interlocking through his hair. I received no answer for a long time and I began to feel…worry? "Do my questions make you uncomfortable?" Again, nothing.
"Ikari." I began and took one of his hands by the wrist. He looked up at me, and his eyes were filled with tears and…with something else…it was…remorse? Regret? Guilt. "You have done nothing wrong. I only wish to understand."
Then our order was called. I excused myself to spare Shinji the situation of trying to hide his shame from others, and I found that Shinji had ordered himself another coffee and had ordered pastries for both of us. I returned to find him wiping his eyes and he looked guiltily at me.
"You don't have to answer." I said before he could say anything. "I'm sorry for troubling you."
"No." He said forcefully. "Don't be. I-I'm glad you asked me."
"You have done nothing wrong." I said again.
"I have." He said and looked me in the eyes for the first time that night.
"Ikari, don't speak." I said just as forcefully, though without changing the simple tone of my voice. I held eye contact with him for a bit longer, seeing in his eyes…pain? I knew he wanted to say something, but while I held eye contact with him, he wouldn't speak.
I finally broke eye contact only to taste my pastry and my tea. I was familiar with the type of pastry. It was a glazed flat bread, with a well in the center that contained a type of strawberry paste. Usually I found those too sweet, but I decided to try it anyway. I was pleasantly surprised that the taste was not as strong as I thought it would be. It was rather subtle, and so was the tea.
"Thank you. This is enjoyable." I said and once again made eye contact with him. He seemed rather confused, or maybe it is better put to say that he looked very confused. But I broke eye contact and only continued to enjoy my pastry and tea. He hesitantly began on his, and I noticed that he didn't let his eyes stray from me for very long.
"What kind of tea is this?" I asked.
"Wha-what? Oh…um…chamomile." He said nervously. I nodded and finished.
I found the silence that ensued as we walked home to be rather…comfortable. I am unsure of how Shinji felt, but every time I glanced at him, it seemed as though he were in deep thought. As my apartment came into sight, I felt the need to end the night on a more positive note. I had gotten some of the understanding that I desired yet I had not wanted Shinji to feel so badly about it.
"Thank you Ikari, I think I understand now."
"Huh? Oh…um…you're welcome…and um…I…I'm sorry that I couldn't answer all of your questions." He said softly as he rubbed the back of his head. There was silence until we reached the elevators. "A-Ayanami…I've always thought of you as..." Then he trailed off, and his gaze fell to the floor of the elevator.
"Ikari, I did not wish to trouble you." I said as we stepped off on my floor.
"It's no trouble. And…please…call me Shinji?" A sudden memory from the second flashed in my mind.
"Shinji." I repeated. "Thank you for the enjoyable evening…and if I should call you Shinji, would it not be appropriate if you called me Rei?" Shinji smiled and nodded slightly.
"You're welcome Rei." Then we stopped at the door to my apartment. "Um…m-maybe, um…we could do this again. Or maybe…something else, soon?"
"I would…enjoy that." I said, and then I smiled. Another memory flashed in my mind and I heard a voice say 'Smile for me.' Shinji seemed surprised yet again at my reaction, and he too, smiled. Then my front door opened behind me.
"There you two are." I heard Asuka say in a very low and angry voice.
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