Choose Life

by Verbl Kint 187

Rei based story on self discovery and life. Some angst, just a little bit of romance and some killing.

2. Part 2

Choose Life, Part 2

I stood in my dark living room, looking out the closed balcony door at the storm that raged outside. The clock struck two and I marveled at the thunder's roar and the lightning's flash. The rain was coming down so hard that it was hard for me to see the building across from my apartment building.

I remember having awoken from a nightmare to the sound of particularly loud thunder roar. I awoke and found my flannel pajamas damp with sweat. My hair was matted to my forehead and my heart had been racing. I couldn't remember much from the nightmare, only a sickeningly empty feeling. I have to say that I hated it. So I stood and watched the storm, trying to forget the awful feeling. My mind wandered back to the events of that evening.

Asuka had planned to spend the night at Horaki's, but it seemed that Horaki had some trouble with her sisters and Asuka had decided to return home. She had gotten home to find me absent. Apparently she had then decided to call Shinji to see if he would be up to seeing a late night movie, but Misato informed her that Shinji had left for my apartment. It had clicked in her mind instantaneously as to what had happened, and only waited for Shinji and I to return.

When we did return, a one sided argument ensued where Shinji tried to defend himself against Asuka's onslaught. She accused him of hiding things from her, more specifically that he had planned to take me out that night and she had not been informed. Of course he said that he had forgotten to tell her, though I doubt that he did, and he tried to calm her. Unfortunately, Asuka is one of those who can not be calmed down quickly and ended up storming to her room and locking herself in.

I apologized to Shinji for creating trouble in his relationship with Asuka, but he didn't seem too bothered by it. He told me that this wasn't the first time that she had an episode like this one and that it would all be okay later. After we bade each other good night, I showered and went to bed.

As another lightning flashed in the sky, I thought how odd Shinji's and Asuka's relationship was. For the longest time, by Asuka's behavior, I thought that she strongly disliked, if not hated, Shinji. Not only that, but I had also felt that they were such complete opposites that they could not possibly get along. Yet recently I had been informed of their relationship and had even witnessed them kiss. Could two complete opposites share a healthy relationship? Then I thought that maybe it wasn't so odd that they share a relationship.

I remembered then how Misato and Kaji had acted towards each other. For the longest time I had thought that Misato had a strong dislike for him, but yet I found out that after his death, she had had spent weeks grieving over him.

I thought how strange humans were, though not in a negative sense. I believe at the time, I had used the term strange as a way of expressing how unique they were. Two couples who seemingly could not get along shared a love that many did not possess.

Yet…I did not know what love was. Of course I knew the textual and literary definition, but I didn't know what it was. I had never felt love for another, nor had I ever felt loved by another. And then there were the many different kinds of love that one could feel, which were not explained in dictionaries. There was the love that one might feel for a mate or lover, there was the love that a mother might feel for her children, and there was the love that one might feel for a brother, sister or good friend.

I thought then, how ludicrous it was that people tried to define emotions as strong as that with words. How could petty words possibly describe such feelings? As I thought further, maybe it wasn't so ludicrous to want to try and profess one's feelings with words. After all, in a world where mostly everything is communicated by speech and writing, it was just a person trying to make known to the other how they felt. I think now, that the futile attempt to put one's feelings in words was actually more desirable since it was shown that they were willing to make the effort to try.

Then I thought where was I in that complicated equation? I, who had never experienced love, neither had I ever experienced hate. Had I experienced happiness? Had I experienced sadness? I am sure that I had experienced both happiness and sadness, though I probably had not known at the time as to what terms were used to define them.

About that time, the clock had struck three and I thought it best to get back to bed since I did have another synchronization test to do that day. I left the storm and slowly made my way into the hallway and to my room. As I opened the door though, I heard a familiar low and menacing voice behind me.

"Wonder Girl."

"Sohryuu." I acknowledged.

"You think you're real smooth, don't you?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Yeah, right. So what the fuck did you two do tonight?" She asked aggressively.

"We had coffee." I replied calmly.

"Why? And whose idea was it anyway?"

"It was my desire to speak to him, and it was his suggestion that we converse over some coffee and tea."

"What did you two talk about?"

"I don't see how that's any of your business."

"Oh really?" She asked only a bit amused, "You go out with MY boyfriend to 'speak'. Okay, I can deal with that. However, when you do not tell me that you are going out with MY boyfriend, I become concerned." She eyed me critically for a few seconds. "I'm not supposed to be concerned?"

"You seem justified." I replied reluctantly.

"Goddamn right!"

"Recently, I have been feeling some…emotions that are foreign to me. I had hoped that Shinji could've helped me understand the said emotions."

"Which emotions might those be?" She asked skeptically and walked up so that her face was mere inches from mine, her breathing audible, and a slight hint of her shampoo and toothpaste detectable.

"I don't know. That is why I wished for his assistance." She stared at me for a little while before smiling, then laughing mockingly.

"Yeah right." She said before her demeanor immediately reverted. "I don't know what you're trying to pull, but Shinji is mine. Do you understand me? Mine." I had found her choice of words odd. The way that she said that Shinji was hers, made him sound like a piece of property which he was not.

I turned to express to her my feelings that Shinji was a thinking being and was not anybody's property to own. I paused though, as I saw her eyes. Though she sounded angry, her eyes conveyed a different emotion…they looked…afraid? Why should she feel fear? All I could do was nod.

"Good." She said and went back to her room.

*******

I remember having a rather uncomfortable feeling as I walked to NERV base that day. The rain had gone, but the overcast had not. Not only that, but the air smelled odd. It wasn't the rain. I hadn't liked the new smell at all. As I reached an entrance to the NERV facility, I noticed a crow on the top of the entryway.

The sense that something was wrong was reinforced when I met the more than usual armed guards at the security entrance. In addition to having to swipe my card, they checked to make sure that my security card was in order. People buzzed in the hallways of NERV base, many talking loudly over static ridden radios. As I reached the locker rooms I found Misato standing in the center of the hallway, a very dire expression upon her face.

"Colonel Katsuragi. What has happened?" I inquired curiously.

"Rei…there will be no synchronization test today. Sorry I didn't call you. I was caught up…" She trailed off as Hyuga rushed up to her from the opposite end of the hallway.

"The security cameras show static. We have no idea who it was or what happened. All of her data files have also been erased, so we think that whatever the motive was, involved intel."

"Fuck." Misato said and began to rub her sinuses. "Have Shigeru take over the investigation of the lab. Go tell Commander Ikari that I will be in his office shortly, and wait there for me. I'll need you to give the Commander a detailed report of everything found so far if he asks for it." Hyuga saluted smartly and ran off.

"Colonel…" I began again.

"I'm sorry Rei, not right now." She said without looking at me, and walked off. I was not ignorant as to the urgency of the situation, but at the same time my curiosity was piqued.

I made my way to the supposed lab and I found Aoba giving orders to some security and forensic officers. I waited until he was done before approaching him

"Lieutenant Aoba, what has happened?"

"Doctor Ibuki was murdered last night." He replied darkly. I don't think he even realized who I was. In either case, he had immediately gone back to investigation.

I remember feeling a pang of something…an emotion I could not place. At the same time, I felt pity for the kind Dr. Ibuki. Though she did not have the talent or the knowledge of her predecessor, she was still gifted and intelligent, and definitely had a much more…agreeable personality. She had also been young, not even thirty.

"A tragedy." I heard a calm, cool and silky voice say from beside me.

"Indeed it is, Nagisa." I replied, immediately feeling uncomfortable. "But why are you here?"

"I had a synch test scheduled for today as well." He said, his unnerving smile never left his face.

"I see."

"So how did your date go last night?" He asked before I could excuse myself.

"It was satisfactory."

"That's good. Shinji is a good person. That Asuka though…" He chuckled softly. I wanted to leave, yet a certain curiosity kept me there.

"Nagisa…" I began, "What makes a person human?" I had found myself voicing that question as I thought about my last conversation with Dr. Ibuki. I had half expected his reaction to be similar to that of hers.

"The ability to feel." He said simply. I didn't know how to respond. I believe I was too stunned by the bluntness of his answer to say anything. "Did I answer your question?"

*******

I had later been summoned to Commander Ikari's office. I overheard Misato telling the Commander that whoever the murderer was had a high level of security access, or had detailed knowledge of NERV's security systems. Further, she had assigned Hyuga and Aoba to the investigation of the murder. Once she and Hyuga had left the Commander's office, the Commander informed me that Dr. Akagi would be temporarily reinstated to conduct a synch test that coming Friday.

When I returned home, I found Asuka's demeanor toward me to be rather hostile. Of course I found it easy to ignore her, and instead busied myself playing the piano and re-reading some of my older books. I also found it relatively easy to keep my mind off my recent questions of feelings. And so it passed that the rest of my weekend went rather undisturbed.

When the next week of school started, I found myself spending my lunches with Shinji. It seemed that Shinji and Asuka were not quite ready to share with the rest of the class that they were having a relationship. I respected that, and thus I continued to answer all questions about them with ignorance. Besides, it wasn't anyone else's business anyway.

I noticed though that Asuka seemed to disapprove of Shinji spending time with me in school, and frequently dropped by to harass Shinji in one way or another. As the days went by, she slowly became more and more hostile towards me at home and colder and colder with Shinji. At first, I had not understood her behavior. I knew that she didn't like the fact that I was becoming friendlier with Shinji, but in what way was that wronging her? Furthermore, I could somewhat understand how she might be angry with me, but I thought that since she loved Shinji, that she would treat him better.

It was Thursday of that week when I finally had another chance to speak to Shinji without too much interruption. School had just let out, and the students tittered and chattered in the hallways as I maneuvered through the crowds to the entrance of the school. Almost everyone had donned warmer clothing of sorts, since the unusual weather that had started a little over a week before seemed to be getting stranger.

I stopped outside of the school for a brief moment as I checked my purse to make sure that the money I had placed there that morning was still there. After that reassurance was taken care of, I began to walk to local mall. The chill wind nipped at my cheeks, and I was grateful for the single sweater that I owned. I noted how gray everything was, and I really couldn't remember seeing Tokyo-3 with so little color.

Granted, about that time every normal day, I would be at home either playing the piano or reading a book. However, I had no new book to read, and for some odd reason, the piano pieces in my repertoire didn't seem to interest me. So that morning I had packed some of my extra money to buy a few new sheets of music, as well as maybe a book.

One mercy granted to me then happened to be the cold weather, for it seemed that no one wanted to be out. After walking a bit of a ways, I got to the mall and I immediately headed over to the music store that I frequented.

The warmth inside was welcoming, and so was the emptiness. I noticed three other customers beside myself and none of them in the music sheets section. The reason I frequented that particular store was that their selections of classical pieces were quite broad, the only complaint that I had was that they were in no order whatsoever.

I searched fruitlessly for what seemed like hours, but I refused to leave the shop until I found something that was suitable. I preferred Bach, but unfortunately I had been having some hard time finding any of his works that I did not already know. I immediately passed over Mozart without looking…I had only looked upon a Mozart piece once, and I had found it rather stressful as there were…too many…too many notes.

"R-Rei?" To my surprise, Shinji was also in that section looking along the shelves. I believe I had not noticed him when I entered the shop since he had been crouched down, looking on the lower shelves.

"Shinji?"

"Um…what are you doing here?" He asked and stood up holding a piece in his hands.

"I am looking for a new piano piece." I replied, feeling…I didn't know what I was feeling, but it was rather…agreeable.

"Oh, that's great." He said awkwardly and scratched the back of his head, a nervous tic that I had begun to notice.

"Why are you here?" I inquired, sparing him the effort of trying to find something to say.

"Oh…um…" He began with a blush, "Well, I…uh…well, since you play the piano, I was looking for one of my favorite pieces, and thought that maybe…you could learn to play it?"

"You want me to learn to play one of your favorite pieces?" I didn't mean to make him uncomfortable, but it seemed that my question did cause him an embarrassment of sorts.

"N-no! I mean, well…only if you want to, I just thought…"

"May I see it?" I asked, once again trying to spare him any uneasy feelings. "Moonlight Sonata." I read aloud, "By Ludwig van Beethoven." After sifting through the pages, I found it to be rather agreeable. The unknown feeling became stronger as it registered that Shinji was going to buy it as a gift for me. "It looks…nice." That was had been the only adjective I could think of to describe it, but however it sounded, Shinji's face brightened considerably.

"Really? Well I mean, I liked it. Here, I'll buy it for you." As we left the store, he handed the piece to me.

"Thank you. I will…try my best to learn it."

"And um…maybe I can listen to you play it sometime?"

"That would be acceptable." I was going crazy trying to place the feeling that I had. Was it…happiness?

"Um…well, I'm supposed to meet Asuka and Hikari at a restaurant for dinner, um…would you like to join us?"

"Would that not be…disagreeable with Sohryuu?" I asked feeling…worry?

"It's all right. " He said with some worry as well. "But I have to do something first."

We made our way to the center of the mall and took an elevator up to the top floor restaurant. It was a formal dining establishment, and tantalizing aromas of expertly made cuisine greeted us as we stepped off the elevator.

"How may I help you?" The maitre d' asked politely.

"I'd like to…um…to make a reservation for two, for tomorrow night." Shinji said nervously. I got the impression that that was the first time visiting such an establishment.

"Hmm…Well sir, I am afraid that the earliest time will be at nine."

"That's great! I mean, um…that'll be good." The maitre d' made the reservation and we got back onto the elevator.

"You are planning on taking out Sohryuu?" I asked curiously.

"Oh! Yeah, yeah…um…could you not tell her about this?" Shinji said rather awkwardly, though I think it was more because he was trying to contain…excitement?

"Why do you not wish for her to know of this?"

"I want it to be a surprise. She's wanted to go here for a while. I'm going to tell her tomorrow after our tests." I noticed a considerable glow radiating from Shinji as we made our way to the less formal restaurant in which we would be having that night's dinner.

The restaurant turned out to be no more than a simple ramen house located towards the exterior of the mall. Shinji asked for a table for four, and we were guided to a booth at the front of the restaurant. We hadn't been waiting for long when Asuka made her presence known.

"What the hell is she doing here?" I always found it interesting how Asuka never held back any biting or hurtful comments. In retrospect, although I disliked how she sometimes dealt with others in that fashion, I always felt her trustworthy. After all, how could anyone be on uneven ground with someone as blunt as she?

"Ayanami! What a pleasant surprise." Horaki said, looking genuinely pleased with seeing me, but at the same time concerned with how Asuka was behaving.

"I ran into Rei in the music store, and I thought that since she eats…" Shinji began to explain.

"Whatever." Asuka cut him off as she sat down next to him with a 'humph'. I had felt…anger? For although I knew, and I believe that Shinji knew that Asuka would've found the situation disagreeable, I didn't think that her rudeness was warranted.

As our meal passed with minimal hostility, due mainly to the fact that Horaki was there. I noticed the crowd in the restaurant slowly getting bigger as the evening progressed, and as I tuned out the conversation that the other three were having, I found my thoughts returning to the previous Saturday.

The longer I thought about Dr. Ibuki's murder, the more pity I felt for her. She too had been kind to me, and despite how Nagisa answered my question, I found comfort in her words. Of course my blood was red just like everyone else's. I also had the same basic skeletal structure, the same organs and the same basic exterior features. So why shouldn't I be human? 'The ability to feel.' Nagisa's voice echoed in my mind. I can't describe the conflict that I felt, but all of a sudden, I needed time to myself.

"Shinji…I am sorry…but I feel…unwell." I said softly.

"We're not done yet, but you can go." Asuka suggested.

"Actually, we should be getting back. I heard that there's supposed to be another storm tonight." Horaki said with some concern. "And it's been strangely cold recently. I hope you're not coming down with anything." She directed the last comment to me.

"Yeah, that sounds good. I'll take care of the tab." Shinji said and went up to the cashier. Asuka growled something incomprehensible as she gathered her things, while I held on tightly to the music sheet that Shinji had given me.

"Really strange weather we've been having." Horaki had said worriedly as we walked down the street back home. Up until that point, we had been walking in relative silence, and I believe that she spoke just to break it.

"Well, it is winter." Asuka replied as she pulled Shinji close to her.

"Yeah, but when's the last time we've seen weather like this…ever?" Horaki continued.

"I know…it's funny." Shinji said and placed an arm around Asuka's shoulders. "Well, maybe it's a good thing that our weather is finally returning to normal."

"I guess so." I tuned out the rest of the conversation for the most part. The wind had started to pick up and it was no longer a friendly and refreshing chill. A horrible feeling began to creep over me, and Nagisa's words kept repeating themselves in my head. I couldn't help but shiver from the cold, then I thought I heard the wind whisper, 'Do you want to be a star?'

"Kaworu! What are you doing here?" I heard Shinji say in surprise.

"I could ask the same thing of all of you." His disturbingly calm and smooth voice acknowledged. "I just happened to be in the neighborhood." I didn't like his answer.

"We came from the mall, and we're all heading home." Shinji answered.

"Well, I believe that Ms. Horaki's residence is near mine, so would it be okay if I traveled with you until we parted ways?"

"Sure." Shinji said and started to walk again while chatting idly with both Asuka and Nagisa.

"Nagisa! Aren't you cold? You're only wearing your uniform!" Horaki said in a tone that one might use when a dead body is discovered.

"I'm fine. I am used to the cold." He replied and smiled…at me? As we continued, I ignored all conversations and kept my eyes on Nagisa. The horrible feeling never left me, and it seemed to grow stronger each second I was around him. Then I noticed him watching me as well.

"Well, this is where we part ways." Horaki said and stopped. "I'll see you all later."

"I'll escort Ms. Horaki home before I return home. So you don't need to worry Shinji." Nagisa said and glanced at me. "I'll see you tomorrow for synch tests." And then we parted ways.

The horrible feeling left me when Nagisa did, but the fact that I had such a feeling made me very uncomfortable. Not only were his words echoing in my mind…but the voice I thought I had heard in the wind bothered me as well. I shivered slightly and I saw Shinji and Asuka holding each other as they walked, and I heard them softly whispering to each other.

Once we made it to our apartment, they shared one last kiss before parting. As I closed the door, Nagisa's words again echoed in my seemingly hollow shell, and I felt that it was then that I had to ask Shinji the same question. I reopened the door and saw him waiting for the elevator. I began to quickly walk towards him and as the elevator doors opened, he saw me approaching.

"Rei?"

"Shinji…I…need to ask you something." His expression went from confused, to serious pretty quickly.

"Of course."

"What…makes a person human?" His expression reverted to confusion just as quickly.

"Wha-what kind of question is that?" He asked, seemingly a little shocked.

"It's…something that has been bothering me." He looked confused for a little while longer before simply shrugging.

"I'm sorry, I don't know Rei." He replied guiltily. I nodded, but I felt that I needed to get an answer somehow before I lost my grip.

"Am…I…human?" There is no way for me to describe how difficult it was for me to ask him that question.

"Wha-what?!" He asked incredulously. "Is th-that what this is about?" I nodded feeling what was becoming an all too familiar burning sensation on my face. After Shinji regained his composure, he seemed to think for a little bit before his expression softened and he smiled at me. I believe that was the first time he smiled at me so genuinely since the Second. "You're my friend." He said. And that, for some odd reason, was good enough.

*******

I had nightmares again that night. Again I woke up to the monstrous roar of thunder. Again I woke up, my pajamas damp with sweat. Again, I could not remember anything but blood and an awful feeling of emptiness. And so I made my way into the living room to calm myself and to think. I watched the storm rage, and thought how right Horaki was about the strange weather.

The first thing that came to mind was the image of Shinji and Asuka holding each other close as they walked through the cold wind. During that time, all that seemed to matter to them were each other. And if Asuka should have complained of being cold, I had no doubt that Shinji would have shed his coat for her. I remembered him saying that he didn't know if Asuka loved him…and neither did I, but it seemed to me that him being with her made him happier than I had ever seen him. Would he have shed the coat for me, should I have asked him to? Was that what love was?

I thought then that I did have the ability to feel…didn't I? After all, just because I was unfamiliar with emotions, didn't mean I couldn't feel them…right? Or maybe it was because I wasn't meant to feel, that I didn't know what emotions were. 'The ability to feel.' I hated that voice that seemed to torment me endlessly, but fortunately I found comfort from other words. 'You're my friend.' He had not even answered my question, and I had been satisfied. But why? It was not logical that I be satisfied with an answer that had no relevance to my question, just as it was not logical when I had pushed Shinji away.

Then my thoughts drifted to the unknown feeling that I had when Shinji had told me that he wanted to hear me play his favorite piano piece. I was…flattered? That he thought that my playing would equal that of a professional musician. I felt that I would learn to play that piece, and very well, so that I could play it for Shinji.

As more thunder sounded I walked past the piano, intending the try and go back to sleep, but the title "Moonlight Sonata" caught my attention. Before I had gone to bed, I had placed it on the piano so it would be ready for me to practice. I thought, why not practice then? So I sat down on the piano bench, and I began to plunk my way through the first page. It wasn't long before I was engrossed in the music. It was something else to actually hear the piece being played, even when there were some flaws made by my inexperienced hands.

"Wonder Girl." An all too familiar voice interrupted my reverie.

"Sohryuu, you are awake?" I acknowledged.

"With you banging away on that? Yeah." She said rubbing sleep out of her eyes.

"I apologize for disturbing you. I will return to bed now." I said softly and stood up.

"Hey, wait a minute will you." She said and yawned. "So what were you doing at the mall today anyway? Plan to meet Shinji there while Hikari and I were shopping?" The nature of the questions was hostile, but the tone she was using…confused me.

"I was going to the mall to buy some music sheets and a book. Our meeting in the music store was coincidental." I replied.

"You go to the mall to get a music sheet and a book. You return with a music sheet that Shinji bought for you, but no book." She asked slowly.

"That is correct. I never got the chance to go to a book store." Asuka began to chuckle at my response.

"Whatever." She said and held up a book. "You like to read, right?" She asked as she tossed it at me.

"Understanding Your Feelings." I read the title of the book aloud.

"Very good Wonder Girl. Now that you have that, I don't expect you to be having anymore private conversations with my boyfriend about your 'foreign emotions'. Understand?" I could only stare at the book cover, and then back at her. Again, I saw fear in her eyes.

"I'm not trying to take him from you." I said softly.

"Just read the fucking book." She said harshly and stalked off to her room.

*******

The next morning I woke up at my usual time, however I didn't need to start walking to NERV until later that morning. Surprisingly enough, after I had scanned the first few pages of the book that Asuka had gotten me, I took an interest in it and I began to read. As I continued to read, I became engrossed and fascinated with how the author explained which feelings were what, and what could possibly trigger those feelings. As I got through the first chapter, I heard a timid knock upon the door. I opened the door to find an apprehensive Shinji.

"Rei! I didn't know that you were up already." He said rather incredulously.

"I am usually up this early on school days. It has become habitual." I replied as I sat back down on the couch.

"Oh…um…well, would you like to come with me and Asuka to get some breakfast then?" He asked nervously as he fidgeted. The question rather caught me by surprise. What surprised me was that he thought to include me even when just the previous day, he had invited me to have dinner with them. I had been flattered that he should consider me a friend, but I was becoming worried that his frequent insistence that I be included would upset Asuka, who in turn would make Shinji miserable.

"I…would like that." I replied nonetheless and put down my book.

"Morning Shinji." Asuka said as she entered the living room. "I'm ready. See you later Wonder Girl."

"Um…I invited Rei to come with us." Shinji said nervously as he stood up.

"You what?" She asked furiously as she turned to face him. Shinji gave a crooked smile and Asuka grabbed him by the ear.

"Wonder Girl, excuse us for a second will you?" And with that, she dragged him out the front door and closed it. Their conversation was muffled from behind the door, and I felt it best not to pry anyway. So I briefly picked up my book to continue reading. It wasn't long before the door opened and Shinji entered looking rather red in the face.

"Um…ready?" He asked and gave a halfhearted smile.

"I do not wish to be a problem." I said without getting up.

"Stop saying that. Come on." As I got up, I made sure to bring along the book that Asuka had given me, for I suspected that our breakfast would have very little conversation involved.

*******

"All right everyone, let's get this started." The tired voice of Dr. Akagi finally sounded over the communications link, and the synchronization test began.

As I had suspected, breakfast that morning was less than friendly. The only time that Asuka spoke at all was when the waiter took our order. I had been relatively silent, reading my book while Shinji tried vainly to coax Asuka out of her silence, first with reasoning, then with groveling.

It was a relief to me when we finally reached NERV base and suited up. However, we weren't able to start on schedule since Lieutenants Aoba and Hyuga failed to show up. We waited for nearly an hour, but fortunately…or unfortunately I had something to distract me.

I must reiterate how fascinated I was with the book that Asuka gave me, for not only did it somewhat help me in dealing with my own feelings, it helped me understand why Shinji and Asuka acted the way that they did. I found it even more enjoyable when the author explained reactions and emotions as being linked to the human psyche.

Indeed, I believed that I understood Shinji's behavior in wanting to include me in many of his functions, and why Asuka seemed to find my association with Shinji to be so disagreeable. I believe that I felt some level of…excitement? At my new understanding of human emotions. Unfortunately, while I supposedly understood emotions of others, I still did not understand my own.

So I made up my mind, that I would talk to Shinji as soon as the synchronization tests were over. I figured that it wouldn't be that hard at all since he would most likely be more than willing to listen to anything that I had to tell him…even if it was out of some feelings of personal obligation. I would talk to Asuka…I would talk to her later, though at the time I had hoped to avoid confronting her at all. In my mind, if I could bring some mutual understanding between Shinji and I on our relationship, then maybe Asuka's hostilities would be eased.

"Results are as follows…"I suddenly heard Dr. Akagi's voice over communications. "Pilot Nagisa has the highest score at eighty-one percent. Why you're a reserve pilot is beyond me."

"Dr. Akagi, please control yourself." I heard the voice of Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki say calmly.

"The Great Pilot Ikari's score is down to seventy percent. Pilot Sohryuu's score is also down at forty-eight percent. And Pilot Ayanami…" I heard her pause as she started to chuckle. "The doll is at an all time low of twenty percent." An unstable laughter echoed through the communications link.

"Thank you for your time Dr. Akagi. Guards, please escort her back to her chambers."

"No thank you Kozo. I can find my own way." Her laughter immediately fell short. It was a little while before the Sub-Commander spoke again.

"Thank you for enduring the good Doctor's behavior. I am afraid that the news of Dr. Ibuki's untimely and tragic death has only served to worsen her condition. You have thirty minutes to clean up and report to Colonel Katsuragi in the briefing room. That will be all."

I made my way to the locker rooms slowly, hoping to arrive just after Asuka cleaned up, and unfortunately I was successful. As I turned the corner and came to the hall with the locker rooms I saw, a little ways down the hall, Shinji trying to catch up to Asuka.

"Asuka please…" Shinji pleaded and took hold of her arm.

"Don't touch me asshole!" She screamed and slapped him across the face. Shinji was stunned just long enough for Asuka to dash past me, towards the briefing room.

"Asuka!" He called after her and began to try and catch up.

"Shinji, may I…" I began.

"Not right now." He said quickly and rushed past me without a glance. I stood and watched for a little before turning back to the locker rooms.

I took a quick shower and got dressed, thinking about what I was going to assert to Shinji. Needless to say, I was very apprehensive about the idea, but I felt it needed to be done. My personal quest damaged his relationship with Asuka and jeopardized the happiness of both of them, so it was my responsibility to make sure that things worked out for them.

"It seems that their own fears have finally caught up to them, eh Rei?" I heard as I left the locker room. "Both of them really have no chance to have a normal relationship with anyone, let alone each other. Doomed from the start, I'd say." He said in the ever-whimsical tone of his.

"I don't remember being on a first name basis with you Nagisa." My tone remained, as it always had been, neutral. However my voice contained what I could only describe as…irritation.

"My apologies Ayanami. You never seemed offended by it before."

"You assume too much."

"Still, what do you think? Do you think they ever had a chance?"

"I believe that they still have a chance." I was going to make sure that they did.

"Is that so?"

"Couples often argue. As long as there is love between them, they have a chance."

"My, my. Someone is awfully optimistic about the human spirit, but I guess you would have to be, seeing as how you seem to be the epicenter of their current conflict." I chose not to dignify his remark with a response.

We reached the debriefing room and I found not only Misato to be present, but the Sub-Commander was there as well, sitting behind a small desk with a notebook and pen in front of him. Asuka stood rigid at attention, and Shinji seemed to slouch as he rubbed the recently acquired red mark on his cheek. Nagisa and I took our respective positions before them and waited for Misato to speak.

"You're late." Misato directed the comment at Nagisa and myself.

"I'm sorry, it won't happen again." He said and bowed.

"My apologies." I said and bowed as well.

"All right, let's get right to it. I am not pleased with your current synch scores, and neither is the Commander. Shinji, you know his conditions about your relationship with Asuka?" Misato asked with raised eyebrows.

"You won't have to worry about that anymore." Asuka said bitingly.

"Asuka…" Shinji began, but stopped, and returned his gaze to the floor.

"Oh really? And why is that?" Misato asked curtly. Asuka remained silent and Misato looked back and forth between her and Shinji. "I don't know what shit storm you two are going through, but I have been informed that if you do not resolve this little lover's spat, you will be replaced by Kaworu and put on backup." She directed the last part at Asuka.

"What?!" She screamed incredulously. "Why?! If he's going to replace someone, replace the goddamn doll! Her scores…"

"Pilot Sohryuu," Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki spoke softly, yet firmly. "Please lower your voice. You are becoming shrill." Everyone stared at him as he sat calmly behind the desk. "And I do not think that vulgarity and degrading remarks are appropriate." I noticed that his speech differed from the Commander's was that he always spoke in a reassuring, understanding and fatherly tone. "You may continue Colonel."

"Thank you sir." Misato continued, "So you have one week exactly to settle it is whatever you need to settle. If both of your scores do not improve by then, Asuka will be placed on backup status and Kaworu will replace her. Not only that, but Asuka will be moved from Rei's home to the care of a guardian assigned by NERV." She finished and looked over all of us critically. "I assume that you all understand these terms and arrangements." Once again, she paused to look us over critically. "That will be all. Shinji, I have to work late so I won't be able to drive you home." She added the last part in a more familiar tone.

I looked over at Asuka and saw her staring straight ahead, tears threatening to break. Then she turned and stormed out of the room. Shinji ran after her immediately without looking back and I was about to follow when the Sub-Commander halted me.

"Rei, a word if you will?" He said and beckoned me closer while Misato gave him a curious look. "Thank you Colonel, but I am afraid that the conversation I wish to have with Rei is a private one." Misato nodded and followed Nagisa out of the room.

"I apologize Sub-Commander, but I am afraid that I am pressed for time…" I tried to say.

"It will only be a second." I was about to say something more, but he stopped me. "Humor me." So I fell silent. "I am aware that your scores have been falling since Pilot Sohryuu has moved in with you." He paused, and was silent before I realize it was more of a question than a statement.

"Sohryuu's presence in my residence is not causing my scores to drop. I am having some personal troubles which I need to resolve myself." He nodded slightly at my response.

"Nevertheless, the Commander would like to speak to you personally about it. He is currently indisposed, but will be done in about thirty minutes. You can wait outside of his office until then."

"I apologize Sub-Commander, but it is impossible for me to attend any functions this afternoon."

"Ms. Ayanami," He said and leaned back in his chair. "You seem to think that the Commander is merely requesting your presence."

"Please relay to him my apologies. I will not be able to speak with him this afternoon."

"Are you disobeying a direct order from the Commander?"

Inside, I froze. I wondered, was I going to disobey a direct order? From the Commander? Before, it had never even crossed my mind to ever disobey an order from him. He had been my purpose, my beacon, my North Star to life. I realized then, that if I truly were going to disobey the Commander…then I would be denying my entire existence…for what?

"Yes." I heard myself say. And then he smiled.

"What am I supposed to tell him?" He asked finally.

"That I ask his forgiveness for not being able to speak to him today. That I will meet him Sunday at his church and speak with him there." He nodded slightly.

"Very well. You are dismissed." He said. As I exited the room, I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned around to find Nagisa leaning on the wall just outside the door.

"They are currently having a discussion in the cafeteria." He said and pointed. I wondered briefly how he knew what I wanted to know, but dismissed it as being trivial at the time. I quickly headed down to the cafeteria to find Shinji and Asuka. As I neared the said destination, I could hear their discussion echoing down the hall.

"Were you just playing me for some jealousy thing?!" I heard Asuka yell.

"Please, let me explain."

"No! There is nothing for you to explain! Whose idea was it for me to move in with her anyway? Especially when I could've been living alone! Then you take her out for coffee without thinking of telling me! You spend practically the entire week with her and then accidentally run into her at the music store in the mall! And then you take her along with us this morning when today was supposed to be OUR day?!"

"Asuka please…"

"No! Fuck you! You can have your fucking doll!" I stood in the doorway of the cafeteria as she finished her last statement. Then she turned and ran past me crying. I turned briefly to watch her go, but turned back to see Shinji sitting at a table with his face buried in his arms. I hesitated, feeling what I learned from my book as being anxiety. However, I had set out to try and make things right and that was what I was going to do. So I sat down across from him and gently placed my hand on his head.

"I didn't even get to tell her what I had planned for tonight." His muffled voice sounded as he raised his head. "I guess I'll cancel the reservations." I saw so many emotions in his eyes…I couldn't even begin to name them all. And so I built up my resolve and fortitude.

"Shinji…" I began.

"No, this isn't your fault Rei." He said quickly.

"Shinji…" I began again.

"No, I won't hear it."

"Listen to me Shinji Ikari." Once again, I did not detect any change in my voice, however it seemed to get his attention. "Shinji, I appreciate all the help you've given me. You have my gratitude for trying to be a friend when I had none, and believe that I understand why you avoided me for so long, so you need not feel guilty.

"I would be lying if I said that I was not hurt by your actions. But I also forgive you. You seem to think that you need to compensate for what you did, but I have no desire for such compensation. And though I have not yet reached the answer to all my questions, you have already helped me understand some of what I desired to know, which was more than what you were obligated to do.

"It is my fault for involving you in matters that I could only solve on my own. It is Sohryuu's fault for not being more understanding of both of our feelings and situations. However, it is your fault as well for neglecting the one you love and for not making known to her your intentions and feelings.

"All of us have contributed to this ordeal, and it is up to all of us to repair it. I want you to know that I am not asking for your friendship after this, not if it will take priority over the one you love. However I do ask that you not cancel your reservation at the restaurant. Instead, arrive appropriately dressed at my apartment at eight tonight. I will do my part to repair this situation with Asuka, and from tonight on… your duty will be to make sure that you and she are happy." With that I stood up and began to leave.

"Rei?" He asked softly. "Why are you doing this?" I paused for a moment, and pondered the question. I had never actually thought about it in detail, and I did begin to wonder why. Guilt wasn't the only reason, was it?

"You're my friend." I said simply and walked away.

"You think they have a chance to be happy?" Nagisa asked me as I left the cafeteria.

"They deserve to be happy." I replied.

"What they deserve and what they'll get are two different things."

"Yes, they are."

"You're just setting them up to be hurt again. Is that what you want?"

"No."

"Humans are basically destined to hurt each other. And those two don't have the emotional fortitude to deal with it."

"Humans may be more resilient than you believe."

"We'll see. I have some matters to attend to, good day Ayanami." As he walked off in the opposite direction, I wondered, did he refer to them as humans?

*******

I stood for a long time outside of Horaki's home. It was a nice traditional house, which the family had probably owned since before Second Impact. I had wished to avoid confronting Sohryuu, but it seemed that I had no choice. I thought long and hard about what I was going to say, but could think of nothing. Still, it had to be done, so I walked up to the front door and I knocked. I waited for a little while before the door was answered.

"A-Ayanami!" Horaki exclaimed, looking very agitated. "Wha-what b-brings you here?"

"I wish to speak with Sohryuu."

"I'm sorry Ayanami, but she's not here." She was a very poor liar.

"I wish to speak with Sohryuu."

"She's not here, I don't know where she is."

"I wish to speak with Sohryuu."

"Now's not a good time!" She hissed in a loud whisper. "I haven't even been able to get a word out of her!"

"It is imperative that I speak with Sohryuu." She looked into her home nervously before looking back at me. She bit her lower bit and stepped aside.

"I don't think you can help." She said softly as she shut the door and led me upstairs to outside of what I guessed was her room. She knocked softly and received a loud and very rude response. "Asuka, there's…" I shook my head as she looked at me. "I brought something for you to eat." She said and her face turned red. The door opened and I stepped through before Asuka could slam it in my face.

"You!" She screamed and slapped me after she recovered from her initial surprise. "What the hell are you doing here?!" My vision momentarily blurred, but I quickly recovered.

"Asuka!" Horaki's face was very red, and she looked as though she was about have a nervous breakdown.

"Come to gloat, is that it Wonder Doll? Come to tell me how you got my man? To wave it in front of my face while you do your victory dance?" Her eyes were red and puffy, and her cheeks were stained with tears.

"Sohryuu…"

"You don't think I saw you? Standing there in the doorway of the cafeteria, listening to us? Waiting to scoop up Shinji once we were done? To take away the only thing I had left?" Her voice had lowered considerably and it was obvious that she was trying to not cry openly in front of me.

"Sohryuu, let me…"

"But that's what you do right? Take away everything from me. First my pride…then my…and now my dignity…" She collapsed and began to weep. Horaki made a move to try and comfort her, but again I silently stopped her and I motioned for her to leave. Asuka's hurt was something only I could take care of. However, I could not think of anything to say.

"Sohryuu, I did not take everything from you…" I paused uncertainly, scanning my mind for something to say. "I did not take Eva from you."

"You might as well have! Besides, that lab rat can have my fucking puppet if he wants it…I'm sorry…I want my…give him back you bitch." She said between sobs.

"You don't understand Sohryuu." I said and knelt dangerously close to her. "It was never my intention to take Shinji from you."

"That's just how it turned out right? Your 'feelings' for Shinji…" She said weakly.

"I never said I had feelings for Shinji. I said I needed Shinji's help to understand some feelings." I explained.

"Then what the fuck did you come here for?" She asked as she made eye contact with me.

"I came to tell you that it is impossible for Shinji to be mine, since he has always been yours."

"What?" And then everything that I needed to say fell into place.

"He could never be mine, even if I wanted it to be so, because he loves you. It is too complicated to explain why I wanted his help in the first place, as it is also too complicated to explain why he has been spending so much time with me lately. But I know now that all of this has happened because of me." I stood up and made as if to leave.

"And so what? Is that it? That's all you came down here to tell me?"

"No."

"Then what?" I remained silent for a little while.

"I'm going to take you back home, and help you prepare for tonight." I said and opened the bedroom door.

"Will you please explain yourself the first time around?" I heard her beginning to get up.

"While I was with Shinji at the mall yesterday, he made reservations for you and himself at the restaurant on the third floor. Your reservations are for tonight at nine. I told him you'd be ready at eight."

"What? That asshole!" I turned and looked at her curiously, not sure as to why she would be angry. "What did he expect me to wear? He didn't tell me and now I have no time to shop! And he's coming at eight?! That only gives me four hours! And it will take at least thirty minutes to get back home! Mein Gott! Wait for me downstairs. Hikari!"

I went downstairs and Horaki gave me a questioning look as I passed her on the stairs. I remember thinking to myself, how curious Asuka was. Not a moment before she had been furious with Shinji and I, and next to a heart beat later, she was worrying about how she'll look for her dinner with him. It wasn't very long before Asuka came racing down the stairs with Horaki in pursuit.

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" Horaki asked with a very concerned look.

"I'll be fine. Thanks." Asuka replied and hugged her. "Well, let's not stand here on ceremony. I've only got a few hours to prepare for dinner. Sorry Hikari, I'll explain later." And I found myself unceremoniously pushed out of the house.

We walked quickly, and in relative silence. I noticed that the wind began to pick up, and sent shivers down my spine. Asuka looked pensive, and so I allowed my thoughts to wander. I thought about how Nagisa seemed to become overly interested in the relationship of Shinji and Asuka, or rather, interested in my involvement in their relationship. What was he up to? What concern of his was I? What concern of his were they?

"Wonder Girl." Asuka said suddenly.

"Sohryuu." I acknowledged.

"Are you telling me that I have a second chance?" She asked softly.

"What do you mean?"

"I said some…awful things to Shinji. I don't know how much you heard…" There was a long pause before I spoke.

"Then yes, you have a second chance."

*******

I sat and read my book as Asuka got herself ready. Her idea of me helping her was me sitting on her bed and listening to her complaints about how little time she had and how she had nothing to wear. I was rather appalled at how many outfits that she had. Why one person would need so much clothes was beyond me. What confused me further was that, although she had possibly more clothes than everyone in our class combined, she could find nothing to wear.

"What do you think?" She would ask me every so often.

"That would be acceptable for the occasion." I would reply.

"Hmm…no…no, this won't work." She would ignore me and continue to sift through her clothes. It was a little while before I came to conclusion that I did not have to answer her questions at all, and she would come to the same conclusion every time.

"That's it! This is perfect." She said and admired herself in her vanity mirror. It was a sleeveless red dress of a very fine material. The dress seemed to flow across her figure in natural way, leaving enough to the imagination so that it was just enough to tempt the average male without being considered indecent. She also donned a pair of matching red gloves that extended up just past her elbows. "What do you think?"

"A bit much." I replied and went back to my book.

"If you think this is bad, you should see what some movie stars wear." She replied and began to undress for her shower. "Goddamnit! I have only an hour left!"

I retired myself to the kitchen and prepared a light dinner for myself. When I finished my meal, I waited patiently in my living room for the clock to chime eight. I figured I would probably have to let Shinji in since Asuka would probably be running behind schedule. When the clock did chime eight, I once again waited for the knock to signify Shinji's arrival. And it would seem that he would be late again.

"All right! Is he here?" Asuka asked excitedly as she entered the living room in full dress. The only adjective that came to mind was 'extravagant'.

"He has not arrived."

"What?! He's twenty minutes late! Where the hell is he? The nerve of him." She began to pace nervously back and forth across the room. I watched, fascinated with her reactions. Eventually she huffed and took a seat next me on the couch. "Are you sure he is going to be here?"

"I made sure that he understood to arrive at our residence at eight in order for you to arrive at the restaurant in a timely manner." She was quiet as she watched the clock tick. She sighed softly as the clock struck the half-hour mark.

"Hey Wonder Girl."

"Sohryuu."

"Thanks." She said softly. I only nodded. Then there came a knock from the door. In a few seconds Asuka was standing at my open front door, and I behind her.

"Wow." Shinji said as he looked upon her. There was a long and embarrassed silence as they stood in front of each other, not daring to make eye contact. "Asuka…"

"Shut up, stupid. You're late." She said and stepped out. He looked past her at me briefly and conveyed an unheard message with his eyes. "But I forgive you…" She continued and leaned toward him for a kiss. I shut the door to leave them be, and I smiled.

*******

I continued to practice Moonlight Sonata, and paused briefly as it began to lightly rain. Not a storm, but I still couldn't look upon the night sky. I sighed and continued to play while thoughts and worries were running endlessly through my head. The foremost worry, was my desire to know if their dinner was going well. It was only with great effort, that I was able to push that worry to the back of my mind. But then with that out of the way, more troubling thoughts made themselves known.

I wondered why had I disobeyed the Commander's orders. To disobey the Commander was to deny my very existence…my very purpose. I was created by the Commander to start Third Impact once all the angels were destroyed. To complete the human race by forcing it into it's most pure form. My rationale for that purpose had always been that the human race was imperfect, and my purpose was to make them perfect. However, I had begun to think…was imperfection all that bad?

The Commander always expressed to me that emotions are what made the human race imperfect. I had been under the impression that the humans caused each other hurt and pain…but was that bad? For along with hurt and pain, there was pleasure. There was hate, and then there was love. There was no doubt in my mind that hurt, pain and hate were bad, but…was it worth it to destroy everything? And even if it wasn't worth it, if I decided not to go through with my purpose…then I would have none…and then what would be the point of existing? Could I go on without a purpose? Humans seemed to be able to live peacefully without one, but was I human? Furthermore, why should I deny my purpose for emotions that I had never felt…but on the same thread…why should I fulfill my purpose for emotions I had never felt?

The phone rang and I stopped playing briefly to answer it.

"Hey Wonder Girl, it's me. I'm staying at Shinji's for tonight, so don't wait up for me okay?" Before I could ask anything about their dinner, she hung up. Even though I did not ask any questions about their dinner, I felt the same level of satisfaction as if I had been informed that all went well.

Then I began to think about Shinji. Why had I gone to him for help in the first place? Why hadn't I thought about reading about emotions in a book, like Asuka had suggested? It seemed to be the most logical answer. After all, I preferred reading to human interaction on any given occasion. So why did I constantly go to Shinji for help…or even for friendship? Why did it matter to me if Shinji were my friend? If I were indeed created not to feel any emotions and to purely fulfill a specific purpose…then why all of a sudden did I feel the need for acceptance, friendship, and emotions? Why did I even begin to feel emotions?

'The ability to feel.' Nagisa…had referred to them as humans. I know that I referred to them as humans every now and then because I didn't feel like a human. Did that mean that his reference to them as humans was an indication that he was not human?

Then my head began to hurt. I came to the conclusion that I had done enough thinking for the night and that it was time for me to go to sleep. And so with the knowledge that Shinji and Asuka were once again happy lovers, I went to sleep satisfied.

*******

Author's Notes: Now, this is the second part to my piece. My thanks and eternal gratitude go out to those who have critiqued this thus far. All forms of criticism welcome. I have to say that I personally dislike this part the most out of the three. When I wrote this, I couldn't get the right mood…so it doesn't carry the same air…it also lacks some graces of presentation, situations seem out of place…and no matter how many times I rewrote this part…I couldn't get it to come out the way I wanted. Anyway, I hope all that have read it thus far are enjoying it.