Choose Life

by Verbl Kint 187

Rei based story on self discovery and life. Some angst, just a little bit of romance and some killing.

3. Part 3

Choose Life, Part 3

I spent most of the next morning continuing to practice my recently acquired piano piece. The beginning was relatively simple, and I could play all the notes well, but I felt that it was missing something. No matter how many times I played and played it again, it simply didn't sound right.

However, once the clock chimed twelve, I stopped. I was perplexed that no matter how hard I tried, I could not play it the way I felt that it should have been played. It wasn't the feeling that I was making an error, but rather it was the feeling that I was forgetting to do something. I felt that it absolutely needed to be perfect.

So over lunch I thought about the piece, note by note. Was I forgetting a crucial detail somewhere in the piece? Was I holding down the pedal too long? Or maybe I was cutting off the breaks in notes too short. I thought, but to no avail. It wasn't long after I had cleaned my dishes and set them in the rack to dry, that my phone rang.

"Rei?" A familiar voice sounded over the phone.

"Shinji." I replied.

"Um, hey, how are you?"

"I am well."

"Great, uh, have you had lunch yet?"

"I have had lunch, yes."

"Oh…" He sounded rather disappointed. "She already ate." He said to someone on his end. "What? No…okay, okay. Rei?"

"I am still on the phone."

"Um, well we wanted to take you out for lunch somewhere, but since you already ate, we were thinking that maybe you would like to come over and uh…I don't know…ow! Don't throw stuff at me! Sorry Rei. Um, would you like to come over and hang out and then later, maybe we could take you to dinner?" I was slightly intrigued by the background noises, and even found it rather…amusing.

"When you say 'we', do you mean you and Sohryuu?"

"Well, yeah, I mean me, you and Asuka." He sounded a little unsure of himself. "I mean, you don't have to if you don't want to. Oh! Yeah, Asuka is fine with it, she says it's her idea."

"That would be acceptable." I replied.

"Really? Great! Um, so I guess I'll see you in a little bit?"

"Yes."

"Okay then, bye." I remember thinking then how odd people were while talking on the phone.

*******

"Rei! Come on in." Shinji said and stepped aside to let me in. After thanking him and taking off my shoes, we went into the living room where we found Asuka sprawled out lazily on the couch. An irritating and loud commercial was playing on the television, advertising some sort of new orange juice.

"Hey Wonder Girl." She said without taking her focus off the television.

"Sohryuu." I replied and sat down on the floor. Shinji did the same at the opposite end of the couch.

"So…Rei, where would you like to have dinner?" He asked.

"Quiet, my show is back on." Asuka interjected.

"Anyplace would be suitable." I replied.

"I can't hear what they're saying." Asuka complained.

"Um…well, that doesn't help much."

"You are aware that since Wonder Girl doesn't have a TV, I must watch all my shows here?"

"I suppose the Keats Diner would be fine." Asuka cleared her throat loudly before casting accusing looks at Shinji and myself.

"That's the one near the church on Main?" He asked, and Asuka began to turn the volume of the television up.

"Yes." I replied.

"What time would you like to have dinner?" He asked.

"Any time would be suitable."

"Um…well…" Then Asuka muted the television and turned herself upright.

"Christ! It's bad enough not being able to comfortably watch my shows without interruption, but I have to listen to you two social retards on top of that! We'll have dinner at seven, at the…was it Keats Diner? And while I'm at it, why don't I save a little awkward conversation time and say that we'll go get ice cream at the Nightingale Ice Cream Parlor for dessert. Okay?" She cast a last glare at both of us before lying back down and turning the sound back on.

I looked to Shinji and he motioned for me to follow him out onto the balcony. I stood up and crossed in front of Asuka's line of sight to follow, earning me yet another look of daggers. As we he closed the sliding glass door behind us, he sighed in exasperation.

"Sorry about that. She gets like that sometimes."

"You do not have to apologize for her actions. I have been living with her for two weeks now and have had her as a fellow pilot for a few years. I am aware of her behavior and have grown used to it." I paused for a second as I stood near the balcony rail and looked out upon a relatively clearer sky. There were still clouds, but I could smell that it probably wouldn't last. I knew that there would be a storm later, but I still hoped that maybe it would clear enough in the early evening for me to see the stars for a little while.

"Yeah." Was all he said and as he too began to stare out at the city from the balcony. "You know…Rei…um…"

"Do not thank me. I didn't do anything worth praise." I said softly.

The silence that followed was not uncomfortable at all, and in fact was…refreshing? I did not feel the need to begin a conversation, and I'm sure that he felt the same, as he was not projecting any feelings of anxiety. So I had the comfort of his presence and company while at the same time having the same comfortable silence that I was so used to.

"Shinji." This time it was I to interrupt the reverie as a thought came to mind.

"Hmm?"

"Do you have a recording of Moonlight Sonata?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah. Would you like to listen to it?"

"I would like that." I replied and I heard the door open and shut as he went to retrieve his player and the piece. When he returned with his player, he wiped off the ear buds and handed it to me.

"It's already on the right track, all you need to do is hit play." He said.

"Thank you." The piece began, and I immediately felt the difference.

Everything that I did while practicing was the same as what the musician on the track was doing, but I immediately placed what I was forgetting, or what my playing was lacking…it was…the feeling. How did an artist put such a feeling into a piece? Even in renditions of Bach that I heard, I felt the difference, but I never paid any attention to it. Since I played only for myself, I felt no need to strive to create the feeling, but then…oh, how I wanted to know how they played their pieces with such emotion. I imagined myself playing for Shinji, imagining myself creating the same sounds that they could, and I practiced in my mind, every note.

When the track reached the end, I hit the rewind button and listened again…and again. I knew the piece was long, but time was lost to me, as I wanted to feel…feel everything that was being conveyed through the playing. I was vaguely aware that Shinji was watching me curiously, but it wasn't long that even that was lost to me. I was traveling by myself, through the world of music, every chord of music striking a chord inside of me.

I became aware of not only the emotions of the musician, but the emotions of the composer as well! Oh, how I felt! How I yearned! How I ached! And although I could not understand the vast amount of emotions that the piece was invoking, I understood the feelings the composer etched into his music. I understood…how I thought I understood…knowing what it was like to be deaf in a way! A man full of inspiration, full of feeling, knowing that he was creating something wonderful…and yet not being able to hear it! He could not hear…his own magnificence…and it mattered not the riches of the world, nor the fame that he received for his playing…but if he could only hear his own music. If only I knew what I was feeling.

"Rei! Rei! Are you okay?" I opened my eyes to find Shinji shaking my shoulders, a worried expression on his face.

"I…I am fine." I said as I slowly began to regain my senses. I had realized that there were tears running slowly down my face, and I gingerly wiped them away.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." I replied simply, but he didn't look convinced. "Shinji…thank you for letting me listen."

"Any time." He said and smiled nervously. "Are you sure that you're okay?"

"I am fine." The glass door then slid open to reveal Misato.

"He was hit by a car?!" Asuka called out incredulously.

"Yeah, witnesses say that he looked freaked out." Misato called back tiredly. "So there you are. Hey Rei, didn't know you were here."

"Good day Col…" I stopped myself. "Misato." I corrected.

"Much better." She said with a smile.

"You look awful Misato. Where were you? You were supposed to be home at seven yesterday." Shinji asked worriedly as we followed her back inside.

"Pulling a triple shift." She groaned as she headed to her bedroom. "Asuka will tell ya about it. Won't be out for dinner…night." She finished with a yawn and shut her bedroom door.

Though Shinji was concerned, I wasn't particularly interested in the circumstances that required Misato to put in extra hours of work. I was still focused on the piece that I had been listening to, and was deep in thought as Shinji and Asuka carried on a short conversation to which I paid no attention.

*******

How can one, single emotion change so much? Up until three weeks ago, I had been existing happily…well…happily might not be the right word, rather I had been existing comfortably. Then a single emotion changed all of that. A single emotion sent me down a long and hard road known to many as self-discovery. A single emotion destroyed my existence, forcing me to live, tipping the dominos in an endless path of questions. I can't even remember how much pain, mental anguish and inner turmoil I went through on account of self-discovery. I remember asking myself over and over… "Is it worth it?" But no matter how often I asked myself the question and no matter what answer I came up with, there was only one option. For the road I was walking was a one way street, and I could only hope that I would reach the end with my sanity still intact.

*******

"May I take your order?" The waitress had asked politely.

"I'll have the top sirloin steak, bloody as hell, with garlic potatoes and green beans." Asuka stated and handed her the menu.

"Could I have half-pound cheeseburger with fries? And could you hold the mayonnaise?" Shinji ordered and handed his menu over as well.

"A salad will be sufficient." I stated before I turned to look out the window.

"What type of dressing will you be having with your salad?"

"A light dressing. Any light dressing will do." I responded without turning to look.

"Your orders should be ready in a little bit."

The skies were still clear, but I could feel that it would not remain that way for long. A feeling of depression flooded me as I once again felt that I would not be able to gaze upon my beloved nighttime sky. The feeling of depression was soon coupled with a feeling of self-pity, that I did not even have that little comfort in my time of hardship.

My gaze eventually drifted to the church down the street. It seemed to me that it was such an archaic looking structure, so out of place amongst the rest of the buildings lining the street. I thought then about those who found comfort in their troubled lives by praying to an intangible, superior being called God. I wondered, how people could believe in something that there was no solid proof of, or ask for guidance from something that they could not see nor hear.

"Wonder Girl? You gonna sit there and stare all evening?" Asuka interrupted my train of thought.

"I am…sorry…I am not familiar with this situation." I replied uncomfortably from under her gaze.

"If you'd rather go home Rei…" Shinji began timidly.

"No. I enjoy your presence." I said awkwardly.

"Well Wonder Girl, let me give you some pointers." Asuka said imperiously.

"Asuka…" Shinji groaned.

"When 'friends' get together for dinner, or lunch, or whatever…one of the main things that they do is 'socialize'." I resented the rather condescending tone that she was using. Then again, I was interested in what she was saying.

"Asuka…" Shinji warned, seeming not to like the tone she was using either.

"Socialize…" I repeated.

"Yeah. You know, talk about things."

"What kind of things?" I asked.

"What kind of things?" She asked incredulously. "All kinds of things! Any kinds of things! Speak what's on your mind!"

"What's on my mind…" I noticed that I tended to repeat things to myself as form of clarification…a habit which seemed to irritate Asuka.

"You're not going to tell me that you stare out there without thinking of anything, are you?"

"Asuka, if Rei doesn't want to talk, leave her be." Shinji pleaded.

"Do you believe in God, Shinji?" I asked.

"What?" He looked rather stunned.

"Do you believe in God?" I repeated.

"Um…no…not really." He had replied rather guiltily.

"Anybody with intelligence knows that there is no God." Asuka added in as she took a sip from her glass of water.

"Yet…the Commander believes in God…" I said softly.

"Yeah, well, no one's perfect." Asuka replied.

"You go to church with the Commander, do you not?" I asked Shinji.

"I do…but I don't really believe in it." He explained nervously. "I don't even know if father believes in it."

"Why do you go if you don't believe in God?"

"It's the only time I really get to spend with him." He said softly.

"If the Commander didn't believe in God, why would he go to church?"

"Probably because he's done so much bad shit that he's not gonna take his chances." Asuka said before Shinji could answer. I nodded in response and once again turned to stare out the window at the church.

"But why do people believe in something that they have no proof of?"

"I guess it gives them hope." Shinji said softly. "They pray to God as a way of talking to someone. They find comfort in the thought that there is a higher being always willing to listen to them."

"Not only that, but most people don't like the idea that there is nothing left for us when we die." Asuka interjected. "They don't like the idea that when we die, we cease to exist."

"So it is a form of comfort?" I asked.

"Exactly." Asuka answered quickly.

As I nodded absently, I was made aware that our food had arrived. It seemed that the cook had prepared a light Caesar Salad for me. My only complaint would be the bacon bits that he had added. I wasn't sure if it was real bacon or processed meat, but either way it was disagreeable.

"Why does not Commander Ikari attend the church down the street? It is closer to NERV base." I asked between bites.

"Huh? Oh, um, that church is Protestant. Father attends a Roman Catholic Church." I nodded silently and continued to eat. Of course, I tuned out most of the conversation that went on between Shinji and Asuka, instead turning inward to examine myself.

I thought about what the Commander might wish to speak with me about. I knew that he did not approve of his son's relationship with Asuka, nor did he really like the current living arrangements that I had with Asuka. Of course, he was the very one who had suggested it in the first place…but something inside me told me that he knew why my scores were dropping.

A feeling that could only be described as dread began to flow through my veins, making my blood heavy. Of course, if he knew why my scores were dropping, then he would want to remedy the situation very quickly by removing me from contact with his son and Asuka. More likely than not, since I would be under closer supervision at NERV base, I would be quartered there. I would no longer be able to go outside for very long. My contact with Shinji would be limited to piloting and training circumstances…I would not be able to return to that coffee shop that I liked so…and I definitely would not be able to see the stars at night.

And my dominos were falling at an ever-quicker pace, with no end in sight. As much dread, apprehension and depression that I had been feeling, I tried to tell myself that I would feel good…at least for the night. I would try and enjoy the company of Shinji and…well, just Shinji. However, as much as I tried to tell myself that I was going to forget about my troubles and just enjoy myself, I found the task a very difficult one. I felt that it was going to be a very long night.

"Hey Wonder Girl, why aren't you eating the bacon?" Yes…a very long night.

*******

Laughter echoed throughout my apartment as we entered. Of course, I was not laughing, but I was smiling. Shinji and Asuka collapsed on my couch brushing bits of ice off their clothes and out of their hair. On the way back from getting ice cream, it had started to hail. The bits of ice weren't large enough to be dangerous, but it stung a little bit, providing a rather amusing game for Shinji and Asuka.

I had checked the clock as I entered and found it to be near eleven. The night had actually gone much quicker than expected, and though Asuka had been rather disagreeable at times, she had helped greatly in the task of forgetting my troubles. Yes, that night I had rather enjoyed myself.

"I think I should be getting back home now." Shinji said as he slowly began to get up.

"No! Stay a little while." Asuka pleaded, never letting go of him.

"Well, I should get going before it starts to worsen." As he finished his sentence, a loud crack sounded from my balcony door and I saw a spider-web on the glass.

"Too late. Looks like you should stay the night." Asuka said and smiled in a fashion that I could only describe as a cat looking at a caged canary.

"Um…I'll just call Misato and see if she'll come pick me up." Shinji said nervously and moved toward my kitchen. "Um…can I use your phone Rei?"

"You may." I said before sitting down on the piano bench.

As he went to the kitchen to make his call, I caught sight of the sheet of music titled Moonlight Sonata. My thoughts began to drift back to the meeting that I would have with the Commander the following morning, and once again a heavy weight was placed on my heart. The more I thought about the meeting, the more certain I was that he was going to quarter me someplace that I would not be comfortable in. But why would the Commander do that?

For the longest time, he had always put me first…but…that was when I felt almost nothing. It was different now. I had disobeyed a direct order from him, instead choosing to pursue personal obligations of setting things right with Shinji and Asuka. Did that mean that…I was just a tool? Was the Commander using me? I didn't want that to be true, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense to me.

"Well, um…sorry, but I think that I'll have to stay the night." Shinji said nervously as he emerged from my kitchen. "Misato said that she was tired, plus she didn't want to get her car all dinged up in the storm."

"Aww…" Asuka said mockingly.

"You don't mind, do you Rei?" He asked uncertainly.

"Of course she doesn't." Asuka answered for me, but Shinji continued to wait for an answer.

"It will be no trouble." I said as he sat down next to Asuka. Thoughts continued to run endlessly through my head, and I felt that I must find some form of comfort before I went insane. "Do you mind if I practice a few pieces?" I asked.

"Huh? Oh! Are you going to play Moonlight Sonata?" Shinji asked almost excitedly. The question sort of took me by surprise.

"If you want me to. But…I am not sure that I can play it very well." I replied.

"It doesn't matter." He said sitting next to me on the piano bench, not paying any attention to Asuka's frown.

"All right." I said softly and began to nervously plunk away on the keys.

My eyes ran over the notes and I found myself concentrating so hard that my notes were sounding very lifeless. As I tried to pay more attention to the way the piece sounded, I found myself misplaying certain notes. Needless to say that that had frustrated me. However, I felt that I would play for Shinji…I would play this piece for Shinji because…it could be the only chance that I had to play for him. That is, if the meeting with the Commander would be everything that I dreaded it would be.

Was I his tool? Since I was the only Rei Ayanami, that meant a greater risk to his plan if had doubts about following through with my purpose. I guess that he did have a great deal to be concerned about, since I definitely was having second thoughts. But surely, he didn't think that by removing me from everything that I held dear that he could control me? Did he?

What scared me the most about that thought was that it was very true. If he did remove me from everything I loved and cherished…there was no doubt in my mind that I would go back to being the way I was. And I didn't want that…I didn't to go back to being nothing. I didn't want to go back to the cold depths of not feeling…because now that I have felt so much…there is no way that I wouldn't miss it.

But I was created! I was created for a purpose! To deny my creator was to deny my purpose for being! To deny the very reason I existed! Because…I was not human…

There was a slight pause as I finished the last note. And then there was silence throughout my apartment.

"Wow…Rei…that was…beautiful." I heard Shinji say in awe.

"Nice job Wonder Girl." Asuka spoke as if it meant nothing to her, but I heard different.

"Thank you." I said after a short, but awkward silence.

"Do you, um…know any other pieces?" Shinji asked.

"I do, but none of them are Beethoven."

"Could you play them? Any of them…for a little while. I mean…I'd love to hear them."

"Of course." And I began to play again as he moved from the piano bench back to the couch.

"It was very beautiful Rei." He said one last time, and then I felt a warmth flow through me.

But could I live without a purpose? Even if I wasn't human, was I not capable of living without a purpose? At least if I were away from everything, I'd have a solid purpose in my life, and with that I could go on living comfortably…but is being comfortable enough? At that moment, being just comfortable wasn't enough. But the prospect of living a life full of uncertainty and pain wasn't all that appealing either. At least if I had a purpose, I had certainty and solidarity. But then there was Shinji…and there were the stars…and the mountains, and the songs that birds sing, and the sounds of cicadas, and the feeling of the sun on a warm summer day…

I could find no answer, and at that moment, it was even more painful than either of the choices that I could make.

I paused my playing after an unknown period of time, and looked over my shoulder at Shinji and Asuka sleeping soundly on the couch in each other's arms. I smiled to myself and went into Asuka's bedroom to fetch the comforter from her bed. I thought to myself, as I draped the comforter over them, how…becoming…they looked.

I did not understand the love between the two of them, but somehow it still felt right. As different as they were, Shinji found the strength of heart to love her, while Asuka found the tenderness of heart to love him. Those were the sides to them that no one else saw, and no one else had the right to see.

I remember kneeling over and gently brushing a few hairs from his face and then…kissing him lightly on the forehead. I had surprised myself with that gesture of familiarity, but for some reason it had come naturally…and though I could feel a blush slowly spreading across my cheeks, it was not uncomfortable.

I turned off the lights and went to bed, all troubles forgotten.

*******

The next morning I did not wake up to my alarm. Instead, I awoke to a sound that seemed ancient, a war call that made my veins feel as if mercury ran through them, a sound that I had not heard in three years. It was only after a little while of staring out my bedroom window did I hear the ringing of my cell phone. And not long after that, Asuka burst into my room to tell me the obvious. My universe was filled with the sounds of chaos, and for a little while I didn't know what to do. A sickening and a very frightening sensation took hold of me and I fought desperately to keep it under control.

To my relief, it seemed that my conversation with the Commander would have to be put off once again and as quickly as the confusion had engulfed me, it left. I felt a sudden sense of familiarity in the situation, and I took some comfort in that.

As I got dressed in a hurry, I felt that if it were indeed the final angel…then there was a very dangerous situation on my hands. If we did not defeat the angel, then we would be destroyed…yet if we defeated the angel, then that would eliminate the final prerequisite for the Commander to start his plan. At the time, I still wasn't comfortable with the thought of living without a purpose, even after the resolution of the night before. I figured that I would have it all sorted out later.

*******

"Where's Pilot Nagisa?"

"You broke up there HQ, where again was it?"

"HQ, this is Bravo Six, we are in position."

"HQ, this is Alpha Four, seventy-five percent of the population are in shelters."

"Alpha Three, this is HQ, get out of there!"

"How long since Initial Contact?"

"An hour and forty minutes sir."

"Where'd it go?"

"HQ, this is Bravo Nine, we do not have a visual. Repeat, we do not have a visual."

"Bravo Units, this is HQ. Initial and Last Contact was in Sector 46. Screen Sector 46 and all surrounding sectors."

"Copy that HQ."

"Eva-01, prepped and ready for launch!"

"Eva-02, prepped and ready for launch!"

"Eva-03, prepped and ready for launch!"

"HQ, this is Bravo Prime. Negative on visual. Say again, negative on visual."

"Where's the Commander?"

The frequencies crackled with life. It would be a great understatement to say that it couldn't have hit at a worse time. With murders, investigations and tightened security going on, all of NERV base was caught off guard and was teetering. I sat for what seemed like hours in LCL, in my Eva, waiting for the launch order to be given. I had wanted everything to go as quickly as possible since the more time I had to myself, the more time I had to think…and thinking was very bad for me at that time.

"Shinji? Asuka? Rei?" Misato's voice sounded over the other garbled messages on the radio. "Are you ready?"

"Yes." I said softly.

"All right. Here's the game plan, I'm only going to go over this once, so listen up. First of all, we don't know what the angel looks like. We received a brief pattern blue from Sector 46 for no more than a minute, if even that. Then we began getting reports of an explosion in same sector. And I want to be very, very clear on this. We do not know what we are dealing with. Be very careful.

"Unit-01 will be launched into Sector 52. Unit-02 will be launched into Sector 33. Unit-03 will be launched into Sector 39." Misato paused briefly before continuing. "You will be in a triangular formation around the site of Initial Contact. Each of you will head to the nearest weapons site, retrieve the placed weapons, then converge slowly upon the Initial Contact site. Understood?"

"Understood." I spoke, only one of three voices.

"All right, prepare for launch in ten seconds, on my count!"

"Wait! Alpha Units report that only eighty-seven percent of the population evacuated!" Another voice interjected.

"Time is not a luxury we have. The risk is acceptable." I heard Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki speak. "Continue Colonel."

"…3…2…1…launch!"

*******

My face had betrayed nothing as I stood in the debriefing room. Nagisa was leaning nonchalantly against the wall and Asuka stood anxiously watching Shinji pace back and forth. We were the only ones in the room, and we had been waiting at least an hour for Misato and Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki to give us a detailed report of what had happened. And although my face betrayed nothing, I felt my head spinning, my heart racing, my palms sweating and gut turning.

We had retrieved our weapons and had converged upon the point as if our last battle had been few days ago. As we neared the sector, we saw nothing, making all of us very nervous. The VTOL aircraft groups hovered, and the radio crackled and sputtered with incoherent messages. It wasn't long before we picked up a clear one.

"HQ, this is Echo Prime! We have found the Initial Contact site. No visual on anything hostile. Should we be looking for anything else?"

"Echo Prime, this is HQ. Keep your eyes peeled for anything out of the ordinary."

"Rei?" Misato's voice sounded clearly. "I want you to move in and scout out the Initial Contact site. It's been two hours since we lost our pattern Blue, but be careful. It could be anywhere."

"Affirmative." I said softly and began to move in.

There was no way to describe the feeling that I had. I found it extremely difficult to move forward, and my breathing came in short gasps. With each step, the feeling worsened, and inside…I felt cold and empty. I finally neared the site, and what I saw froze my blood.

The Initial Contact site was a building, and it looked as though some great force or explosion had torn it apart. Crows circled over it like vultures, but as bad as it looked, I was able to recognize it quite easily. It had been Commander Ikari's church.

The door opened and Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki walked in followed closely behind by Misato and an aide.

"All right." He began as he sat behind the desk. "First of all, I'm glad that Pilot Nagisa was able to make it to NERV safely."

"Sir." Nagisa said softly and nodded.

"Now for the full situation report. Lieutenant Uesugi, you may begin." Uesugi, a young, husky officer wearing sunglasses, stepped forward.

"Since Initial Contact was made, we have had no further information regarding the angel. Structural damages are down to a minimum, civilian casualties light, and our casualties are virtually nonexistent. However…" He paused and nervously and adjusted the collar of his uniform. "However, the Commander's Section 2 security had been wiped out in the explosion…and we suspect…well, until we receive evidence that the Commander is indeed alive, we will assume that he perished in the angel attack."

The room was dead silent, and Shinji had frozen in his tracks. Nagisa's smile never left his face.

"It would appear…" Misato continued, "That Commander Ikari had gone to his usual church service, when the angel made it's appearance there. All Section 2 agents in the area lost their lives.

"We do not have any visual data of the angel. Not only that but we have reason to believe that it specifically wished to target the Commander before returning to hiding. This one is extremely dangerous. NERV base will now be on red alert, twenty-four hours of the day, and all of you should be ready to be called in at a moment's notice, which means no leisure. Understood?"

I remember not feeling anything, during the debriefing. I had been informed of the Commander's death, and yet it didn't seem of that great of an importance to me. I remember Shinji seeming to lose balance before falling on his rear. Asuka and Misato had rushed over to him to see if he was all right, and the only sound that registered was the Sub-Commander dismissing us. I was the first to leave the room.

I walked down the hallways of NERV in a daze, not knowing where I was going. The world was a blur, and it seemed as if everything was muted. I felt detached, as if I was looking upon myself from another point of view. My mind was stuck in neutral, no real thoughts were present. When I finally found myself back in reality, I was sitting the cafeteria, where the Commander and I had had lunch so many times in the past.

"Are you okay?" I heard a weak voice say from beside me. I looked and saw Shinji standing beside the table. I couldn't find an answer, and only looked away. "Mind if I have a seat?"

"No." I responded.

After he took his seat across from me, we sat in silence. The silence that followed was neither awkward nor comfortable. Shinji had a blank expression upon his face and he fidgeted with the sugar packets and the utensils. We remained that way for a while.

"I can't cry." He said finally and I looked upon him curiously. "I…I…keep feeling that I should. I…keep waiting for the tears. But, I can't." All that time, he had not been looking at me. "Is that wrong?"

I could offer no answer.

"He was never a father to me." He continued. "So I can't. But I always wanted him to be."

"He was the only parent I had." I said and Shinji looked at me with surprise in his eyes.

"I'm…so sorry Rei. I…forgot. Oh God, Rei. Are you sure you're okay?" He said and placed his hand over mine. I looked into his eyes and saw…so much.

"Yes. I think…I need a drink though." I said and stood up. My throat had gone dry, but more than that, I felt like I needed to move. I walked over to the soda machine and had begun searching for some change when the feeling crept up on me.

At first, I didn't notice it…but it slowly appeared. It started on the left side of my chest. It felt like a part of me was disintegrating, like a hole was slowly forming, like I was becoming emptier. I found some change and as I brought my hand up to place it in the slot, my hand began to shake so that I lost a hold of it and it clattered to the floor.

"I'll get that." Shinji said and kneeled down as I began to search for more change.

Then the feeling spread to the rest of my chest, and began to have a hard time breathing. I felt my face turning red, and as I brought up the next coin to the slot, once again I lost grip and the coin fell to the floor. Shinji had kneeled back down to get that one as well, and I wanted to thank him but my voice caught in my throat and a squeak came out instead. My vision began to blur and my eyes began to sting. My breath came out in short gasps and my hands were shaking so badly that I lost a hold of my purse as I fumbled for more change. Coins spilled out across the floor and I tried to suppress the growing lump in my throat. I had reflexively brought my hands to my face, covering my nose and my mouth as a sob escaped my lips and the very first tears began to fall.

And then I felt his arms wrap around me. I had been so scared…and it had hurt so much…and I began to cry.

*******

There is no way for me to express the extent of my gratitude to Misato, Shinji and Asuka. They were there for me when I had nothing left. Misato had driven Asuka and I home, and Shinji had held me the entire way. Shinji had decided to stay the night at my apartment, to make sure that my state of grieving was not worsened by any outside factors. I was aware of how uncomfortable it was for Asuka to see her lover hold me so close, but I was grateful that she left me be.

Both of them decided to skip school to watch over me, since they knew that I was in no state of mind to be attending class. Horaki, Suzuhara and Aida had even dropped by briefly at one point, to extend their sympathies. However, it didn't seem to matter who came by to try and offer solace. Nothing seemed to shake me from my depression. I ate one meal a day at most and it was a rare sight to see me out of bed. It was Thursday before something or rather, someone had forced me out of my mood.

"Hey Wonder Girl. You planning on getting out of bed sometime within this century?" Asuka had asked from the doorway of my room. In the state that I was in, I felt that she was the last thing I needed.

Earlier that day, she had forced Shinji out of the apartment, telling him to go to school. Her reasoning was that she had already graduated from college while Shinji still needed to get out of high school. He had reluctantly left, stating that he would go to the market right after school to buy dinner, then come back to the apartment. Which meant that I would be alone in the apartment with Asuka for the entire day. Mercifully enough, Asuka had left me alone for the entire morning, but felt the need to try and stir me from my depression sometime in the early afternoon.

"You're being even more of a wimp than Shinji. Come on, get out of bed already." She continued. My only response to that was top burrow myself further into my comforter.

"Stop moping! You're making me sick." She exclaimed with a huff and walked over and began to shake me forcefully.

"Leave me be." I said as firmly as I could.

"Fine! Be that way!" She said with irritation and stormed out of my room. So I was left in my room for the time being.

"I'm heading out for a bit Wonder Girl. Be back in about an hour or so." She returned to tell me after a little while. I felt a sort of relief that I would be undisturbed for at least an hour's time, so I allowed myself to relax and wallow a little longer.

Not long before then I had begun to dread being around the Commander, fearing him for what he might force upon me and hating him for the control that he had over me. But that never once occurred to me while I was grieving. It's odd, how when people die, those who were close always want to remember the departed in a brighter light. It is still a mystery to me as to why I didn't really see him as he was, but rather as how I would have liked to remember him. Or maybe it was just my subconscious acting up like a rebellious teen, wanting to be free of his constraints and at the same time too afraid to go one without them.

I got out of bed and walked to the kitchen to get myself a glass of water. As I headed back to my room, glass in hand, my attention was focused upon the piano, and I recalled the day that I had received it. The Commander had supervised the handling of the piano personally as the movers tried to maneuver the large musical instrument into my apartment. I had been curious at the time, and I remembered the small smile on his face as he played a short tune for me before teaching me the scales and the notes.

And so I put my glass of water down and I sat on the piano bench, gently running my fingers up and down the ivory and ebony. It wasn't long before they slowly began dance on their own, generating the soft melody of the very first piece that I had learned. But no matter how I tried to remember what the piece was called, I could not. In fact, I don't think I was ever told the name of the piece, nor was I given a sheet of music for it. My very first piece had been learnt by ear, and engraved in my memory.

So I played. I played to forget, I played to comfort, I played for pleasure. The after I was done with my first piece, my fingers didn't stop, instead choosing to dance further but to a different tune. And when they were through with that piece, they did a pirouette into another without stopping to catch a breath. I closed my eyes and I led myself away from the world as my fingers danced, danced and danced some more, each piece ceasing to be an individual and instead blending into a tapestry that illustrated all that I was. And then the music stopped….

But the tapestry wasn't complete, there was still something missing but I could not remember what, and so I opened my eyes and I saw. Moonlight Sonata waited in front of me, patiently, as if it knew that its turn would come in due time, as if it knew that it would be last. It had to be last, there was no other place for it.

And so I closed my eyes and began the final dance. As the music flowed like the gentle waves of the ocean, I heard something that I could not place. It was in the piece, it was…different. And then I knew. The piece was complete.

"Very impressive Wonder Girl." I heard Asuka say from behind me after a few moments of silence.

"Thank you." I said, not knowing what else to say.

"I'm glad you decided to join the world of the living." Her words struck a nerve and I stood up, intending to leave for my room once more. "Hold on one second there. I thought you might need something to cheer you up, so I got you these."

"Another book about what I'm feeling?" I asked as I picked up my glass of water.

"Do you like to hold grudges or what? Hey! Will you at least look at them?" She demanded and stepped in my way, shoving several packets of papers at me. They were music sheets. My curiosity briefly aroused, I placed my glass back down and took the music sheets from her.

"Ronda Alla Turca by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart." I cringed somewhat as I read the name. Luckily, Asuka didn't seem to notice.

"All your pieces sound so dark, so I thought I might broaden your horizons a bit." She said with a smug look.

"Thank you." I replied slowly, unsure of how to express that I didn't exactly like Mozart's pieces. "However…I…don't especially like this composer's pieces." The look she gave me was akin to that of utter horror.

"What? How can you not like Mozart? He is only the best classical composer ever!"

"They do not suit my tastes."

"What exactly don't you like about his music?"

"They have…too many notes…"

"Mein Gott!" She interjected. "That has to be the most retarded thing I have ever heard anyone say! Sit down!" She commanded and pointed at the piano bench. I decided to humor her. She sat down next to me after shedding her coat, and then cracked her knuckles with a bemused smirk upon her face.

"You…know how to play the piano?" I asked curiously.

"Well, yeah." She said sarcastically. "Sometimes, I wonder about you girl." She chuckled at her own play on words.

"You're good," She continued. "But now I'll show you how to play a piano the right way." She finished in an imperious tone and a flourish before she began to play.

I was slightly insulted that she would try and tell me how to play the piano, but that slowly left as she played on. It certainly was…different from what I was used to hearing from a piano piece. It was fast and upbeat. It didn't take me long to figure out why Asuka liked Mozart's pieces, for the music seemed to compliment her personality. Full, fancy, extravagant, catchy and full of fire. It was obvious to me that Mozart was not an overly depressed man, but rather a very playful and passionate composer. But what surprised me the most, was that the music wasn't stressful at all, and I realized how ridiculous it sounded when I had said that I thought there were too many notes. In fact, there were just enough notes to make the piece solid and otherwise flawless.

"Well? What do you think?" Asuka asked with an expectant smile.

"I think…" I began slowly. "I think that I might have found a new, favorite composer."

"Duh." I looked over Rondo Alla Turca with some interest. "Well? Why don't you give it a shot?"

"I'm back." Shinji said from the front door as he wlked in with his arms full of groceries. "Rei! Good to see you up!" I nodded.

"Excellent! Rei was about to show me how skilled of a musician she is by playing this new piece that I bought her." Asuka said and clapped me on the back. I looked at her worriedly, at first wanting to object, not really wanting to play for fear of making errors in front of others. However, her eyes stopped me. She was silently challenging me, to see who was a better player, probably not the last challenge that she would issue. I felt a sort of pricking inside of me and instead of declining I nodded.

"Yes. Would you like to listen Shinji?"

"Of course I would." He responded enthusiastically after placing the groceries on the kitchen counter top.

And so I turned to the piano, looked over the notes very quickly and I put my skills to the test. At first I was afraid that the piece's speed was too fast for me to handle, but I told myself that I would not be upstaged, and so I concentrated and played with a fervor. When I was done, Shinji was smiling and clapping. Asuka sat next to me dumbfounded.

"That was great Rei." Shinji said, and I smiled at him before I turned and I smiled at Asuka.

"Well…" Asuka began. "Moving on, how about this one Rei?" Asuka resumed her cocky air and put Rondo Alla Turca aside, putting up a new piece in its place. "I'll run through this once to give you an idea of how it goes. Try to keep up with me." She added condescendingly and played.

Our contest took up most of the late afternoon, each of us trying to steal the center spotlight from the other. As such, Shinji wasn't able to begin dinner until the early evening. It was a western recipe: salmon filets fried in a pan, topped with pesto sauce and served on a bed of sautéed spinach. It was very tasty. I had not forgotten my pain, but it was dulled as I listened to Shinji and Asuka talk animatedly about nothing at all.

I could say that the significance of the entire day was made known to me during one of my reflections, but it was not. In fact, it struck me as suddenly as the news of the Commander's death. I had just gotten through getting ready for bed and was exiting the bathroom when Asuka stepped by me to get her turn in the bathroom.

"Sohryuu." I began.

"Yeah?" She asked irritably her hand on the door, ready to close it as soon as I was done.

"Thank you." I said in reference to the pieces that she had bought me. Her look softened a bit.

"Don't mention it, and call me Asuka."

*******

It seemed as if things were taking a different turn. I had lost someone that I had held dear, and at the same time I made a friend out of someone who before I had thought that I had clearly disliked. Its rather odd how life sometimes worked out that way.

So I thought as I got ready for bed, that was what life felt like. Playing against Asuka gave me a sort of rush, and I could feel by the end of the competition that my cheeks were flushed, and I had actually been smiling as I had forced Asuka to acknowledge me as her equal in at least one regard. Human interaction, I thought, was something I could get used to…maybe. But really, I had been able to go throughout the day and actually smile without thinking about the Commander or my purpose…or my lack thereof.

As soon as my head hit the pillow though, I was once again assailed with fear and grief. What would I do without a purpose? I had gone through the day without a purpose, but could I go for the rest of my life without a purpose? Not that I really had much of a choice, but I feared having to live. For although that day been a good day, relatively speaking, not everyday would be a good day. I feared the uncertainty that accompanied living day to day without a real specific purpose or meaning to life. Was that why humans sought companionship? Was that their way of making do without a purpose? Since they didn't have a purpose to look forward to, they would look forward to spending time with those that they loved. Everyday would be an uncertainty, and everyday they would wake up, hoping that the day would be the best day of their life. Sometimes it would be, and sometimes it wouldn't be. If it turned out to be an awful day, they would go home and hope for a better day when the sun again rose. I didn't know if I could do that. Those who had nothing to look forward to, often end up taking their own lives. Since I had nothing to look forward to, would I end up like them? What did I have to look forward to everyday? I didn't have a significant other, I didn't have a family, and I didn't have a job. My grades were awful because I spent so much time at NERV central rather than at school, so what University could I get into? If the last angel were found and destroyed, then I would lose my purpose, and the way that it was turning out, the last angel would be making its grand entrance in no time at all. So without a personal life to look forward to, without future, and without a purpose, what reason would I have to endure the uncertain days ahead? Would they be happy? Would they be sad?

I don't remember falling asleep, but I remember it being the worst night of my life.

*******

I woke up in a cold sweat, thunder exploded outside of my room with such force that my room seemed to shake, the lightning flashed so bright that my room had been completely illuminated for a split second, and it was raining so hard that the sound of it drumming against the building was deafening. I quickly got up and out of bed, and was surprised to feel cold water touch my feet as I set them upon the floor. I stood up and I saw that the floor of the room was covered with icy cold water up to my ankles. My heart was racing so fast that I felt that I might have a heart at any moment. I looked at the walls and saw water running down the sides, the force and quantity of the flow increasing with every minute. I felt wet drops on the top of my head and I looked up to find water dripping from the ceiling.

Then something banged against my window. I jerked around in shock and fear, and I saw a crow beating its wings against window, trying to get into my room. And then I looked into the crow's eyes, red eyes, and my entire being was filled with horror. It was as if I saw every awful thing in the world stuffed into the soul of one bird. I went cold, I felt my stomach churn, my heart sink to my toes and the urge to vomit. The crow began to beat against my window with an even greater fury and I felt myself frozen in place, transfixed upon the harbinger. My heart never slowed down a beat, my breath came in short quick gasps, and suddenly the room was so cold that I could very clearly see my own breath in the darkness of the room. Then I felt the water had reached my knees and when I looked down, there was another thunder and lightning clash. I saw that I had been mistaken, that it was not rainwater that was leaking into my room…it was cold blood. Then the window broke.

The crow flew in with a fury and came right at me. I didn't scream, I didn't cry out in shock, all I did was raise my arms to shield my face, but it never touched me. It flew right overhead and toward the door of my room. I turned to face it since I knew that the door of my room was closed, and I right before my eyes, I saw the crow morph from the shape of a bird to that of a human…with eyes as red as mine.

"Nagisa." I managed a hoarse whisper.

"Ayanami." He replied coolly with a smile.

"You're…" I couldn't finish my sentence.

"Tabris, the Seventeenth Angel, at your service." He said with a polite bow.

Then the room was no longer so dark, for the walls had turned into mock television screens. Each wall a separate screen, each screen showing a different horror show. There was a gap in one screen due to the space for the mirror, but that didn't detract anything from the overall scene that unfolded beneath the red tinge of human life.

On one screen was a terrified Dr. Ibuki, on another an equally terrified Lt. Hyuga, on another a surprised looking Lt. Aoba, and on the final one a very serious and pensive Commander Ikari. Each scene was their end.

"You…you…" I began as I looked over all them, my gaze resting on the one of the Commander, the screen directly behind the Seventeenth Angel. "You…killed all of them." I choked out.

"Correction, all but one. Hyuga ran out into the rush hour traffic before I could finish with him. But I'm not too worried, he's a vegetable anyway." He explained nonchalantly as he waded closer to me.

"Stay…away…" I said softly and slow began to move backwards. Then I felt something cold touch my cheek from behind. I spun around to find that he had magically appeared on the other side of the room.

"Come now Rei…if I may call you Rei? Just because I am what I am, doesn't mean that we can't still be friends." His finger traced down the side of my face before he used it to lift my chin so that I was looking directly into his eyes. "I'm not here to hurt you Rei."

"You…will be…destroyed…" I said through chattering teeth.

"Don't be childish Rei. I've come here to save you."

And suddenly my senses took hold and I turned to run toward my bedroom door. The blood made it difficult so I tripped and fell a few times, completely drenching myself in the process. His laughter echoed hideously behind me. Then the distance to my front door seemed to extend like a corridor, and it became a game to try and keep up and over take it. It seemed like centuries until finally, out of breath, I caught it and ripped it open, only to have forced closed again in front of my face as Nagisa had done his transportation trick again. I stumbled backwards in the water, wanting to keep as much distance as possible between him and myself. As quickly as the room had lengthened, it shortened. Soon, the small of my back was pressed up against my desk, and he shortened the distance between the two of us slowly. I was exhausted, and out of breath from my dash to the door, and I knew that I had no strength left to fend him off.

"At least hear me out Rei, I'm sure that you'll like what I have to say."

"No, you stay away." I said as firmly as I could in my condition.

"Okay, if that'll make you more receptive." He said and raised his hands in surrender, his smile never left his face. "You know, we're not so different. In fact, we're almost exactly alike. The only difference I think, is that you're not completely an Angel, you only have the bare necessities."

"We are nothing alike." I hissed at him, feeling his words strike me like bullets.

"Or so you want to believe, but is that really true?" He paused briefly to flick a few strands of hair from in front of his eyes. "Look at us. Pale skin, red eyes, unnatural hair color. We have the same build, the same tone of voice, the same likes and dislikes. Hell, we even have the same purpose."

"I…I am nothing like you…I am a human being…" I told myself in vain as he forced himself upon me.

"Look at me Rei."

"No." I replied weakly.

"Look at me Rei. Look at me and see. See how alike we are."

"No purpose…" I squeaked.

"Yes you do Rei. Yes you do. You were created for a purpose, and do you know what that purpose is?"

"It was to…to…reunite the Commander with Shinji's mother."

"Bullshit. You can dress it up with as many flowers as you want to, but it's still the same dish. Its called Third Impact Rei."

"And you killed him!" I screamed, tears mixing with the blood running down my cheeks.

"That's right, I killed Commander Gendo Ikari. How you can cry over that man is beyond me. He was the epitome of selfishness in human beings. He is the reason why I'm doing what I'm doing. I would have done it sooner too, but someone stopped me…" He trailed off, his smile never leaving his face.

"Shinji…" I said softly.

"He was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. Did I ever tell you about the first time I met him?" And then the screens changed scenes. "It was wonderful. His heart and soul were fragile, like glass…no…not like glass…like the finest crystal. He was the exact opposite of his father. Selfless, kind, gentle and loving. I wanted to spend as much time as I could around him, for he was the only human I had ever seen who was like that. It felt so wonderful to be around a person so beautiful. It was like being around the Son again. Mercy abound, he was willing to forgive his father if his father would only say that he was sorry. His father never did say sorry, and Shinji cared for him still. His father forced him to harm one of his friends, and yet the reason why he was so hurt and angry was because he didn't hate him…he couldn't hate him…its not in Shinji to hate. In fact…Shinji still loved him.

"When I met him, all he needed was a little love. And I knew, that if there was one person to save this world for, it was him. And so I denied my purpose, I denied it and suffered everyday that I prolonged it, just to be around him. I loved him." And then the room got colder as his eyes got redder, and his smile disappeared completely. "I loved him when no one else did, and he chose her over me. Her! Over me! Just like how he chose her over you.

"I watched him corrode slowly. His beauty tarnish from her. She couldn't love him nearly as much as I did, but he chose her anyway. Does it matter if I'm male or female? Does it matter if I'm different? Apparently, I was blinded by his beauty for I couldn't see that he wasn't as highly evolved as I thought he was. Differences do matter to him. Why else do you think he chose her over you?"

"Shinji chose her because he loved her…he loves me too…just…in a different way…" I said weakly.

"But you don't want his love just in that way, do you? You want his love the same way that I want it." And then he treaded so close to me that he was mere inches away. "I was suffering for nothing. I was suffering for something I would never have. I was denying my purpose so that I could watch at a pained distance him and her fuck like animals. Not make love, but fuck. Not the emotional unification of souls, but sexual gratification of two animals. But not anymore Rei, not anymore. I'm going to fulfill my purpose."

"I won't let you."

"Yes you will. And do you know how I know that? Because no matter how much you want to deny it, you aren't human, you are like me. Because I know you don't want to live without a purpose either. It hurts you just as much as it hurts me. Do you know what else I know? I know that you'll help me too, because I have an offer for you. That's why I'm here." And he leaned forward until his mouth was right next to my ear, the cold emanating from him as if he were a pillar of ice.

"Do you want to be a star?" He asked simply. My eyes widened.

"It was you…" I said in awe.

"Yes, it was. And I mean it too. If you want to be a star, I can make you star. I can make you a star far away from everything else, all you need to do is keep them from reaching me when I head for Adam on Saturday. No more hurt, no more pain, all there will be is eternal beauty."

"A star…" I said in wonder. "But…Shinji…"

"I can make him a star too if you want. I'll put him right next to you, because truth be told, I still love him enough to do that for him."

"But…what's in it for you? What's stopping you from being the star next to him?" He moved so that there was hardly any air between his face and mine. His lips brushed up slightly against mine, and I shuddered.

"That doesn't matter to me anymore. Not him. I just want to complete what I was sent to do. And then I'll be happy. No more pain for me. And all you have to do is help." And then his lips pressed gently against mine. "I'll make you a star."

*******

I woke up in a cold sweat. It was raining outside, but only lightly. Just a soft pattering against my window. I looked up and the ceiling was dry, nothing dripping. I looked at the wall, and they too were dry, no waterfalls flowing onto the floor. I got up shivering and stepped onto the floor, and felt no blood beneath my feet. Then the entire nightmare flashed before my eyes, and I felt the urge to vomit. I quickly ran out of my room, past the closed door to Asuka's room and into the bathroom, Nagisa's words going through my mind every second.

'I can make you a star. All you need to do is help. Our purpose is the same. You won't feel hurt anymore. We're not all that different. In fact, we're practically the same…same…'

I emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet. I kneeled over it, gasping for breath, my body racked with shivers. Every so often, I felt the need to retch again, and so I kneeled there almost unmoving for a long time. Finally I felt well enough to get up and flush the toilet, my mind a jumble of thoughts and my heart overloaded with emotions that I didn't know what to do with. I brushed my teeth, and looked at myself in the mirror.

'Same eyes, same skin color, same tone of voice, same hair…'

"We are nothing alike." I tried to say through a mouthful of toothpaste. I think that even if my mouth was clear of any debris, it wouldn't have been a very strong statement.

I shed my clothes and prepared a hot bath for myself, feeling my body racked with the chills. I submerged myself in the hot water, still feeling the ghost of the blood against my skin…soaking me to the bone…freezing me in place as he seduced me. I felt filthy. I felt unclean. I felt like I had been raped. I felt like scrubbing my skin bloody. I felt like washing myself inside out.

As I lay in the water, slowly rubbing my skin with a sponge, trying to get it clean of the feeling, I felt a new understanding of Asuka's situation with the Fifteenth Angel. I would never wish that feeling upon anybody, no matter how much I think I could hate them. Suddenly I began to cry again. I balled up and hugged my knees to my chest feeling hot tears of shame roll down my cheeks. I don't know how long I cried.

After I dried myself off and wrapped myself in a towel, I began to walk back to my room. On the way back, I stopped at Asuka's room, recalling how much Nagisa seemed to hate her. I stopped in front of her door and stood staring at it.

'But you don't want his love just in that way do you? You want his love the same way I do.'

"Do I?" I asked myself softly as I opened the door to her room.

Shinji and Asuka lay naked in her bed. From the waist down they were covered with her bed sheets, and it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what they had been doing. They slept peacefully in each other's arms, Asuka cuddled up against Shinji's side.

'I was forced to watch from a distance as they fucked like animals.'

"Lust." I whispered to myself as I closed the door and went back to my room.

Instead up going back to bed though, I put on my clothes as if I were going out for the day. I put on my school uniform and my sweater, and I grabbed my umbrella.

I left my apartment and went downstairs. I stood at the front of the apartment building, not knowing the time of the morning, nor caring. I opened up my umbrella, held it over my head, and stepped out into the rain. I needed to do a lot of thinking before the next day.

*******

I wandered in the rain, without any real direction. Up and down the streets as the rain's pitter-patter against my umbrella calmed my nerves. No one else was there on the street, and why should they be? No one in their right mind would be walking down the streets in the early morning rain. I didn't classify. And so I walked, letting my mind wander as it pleased, but at the same time trying to steer it away from thinking about the night before. I knew that I would eventually have to confront the situation and eventually make a decision, and yet…I desired only to forget it.

I found myself at the coffee shop that Shinji had taken me too. The district was now completely closed. The theatres shut down until later in the morning, the restaurants closed and even the coffee was dark and unoccupied. I stood outside of the shop, staring inside, recreating one of the better moments of the last few weeks.

A person here, a person there. The coffee clerk with the artificial blonde hair. The modern artists sitting around the coffee table wearing identical black clothes, the only distinguishing feature were the different artificial colors of their hairs. The young business executives sitting by themselves at the solitary tables, reading the newspapers and keeping an ever-watchful eye on their laptop screens for messages and e-mails. And there I was…with Shinji, sitting over in the corner. And there I was, my back turned to myself, and Shinji fidgeting nervously with his utensils.

'You want his love the same way that I do.'

Do I? I never thought of it that way…maybe I did…maybe I didn't. I had never felt love before…or maybe I had…but I never knew how to define it. My care for Shinji…was love. I cherished him. But did I love him in that way? I couldn't remember ever feeling sexually aroused in his presence…although when he first came to move Asuka's furniture into my home…and the kiss I gave him as he slept on my couch.

But what about the Commander? He was supposedly important to me, but did I love him? I cried for him, but did that mean I loved him? Did I cry for him in grief, or did I cry for him in fear? I don't think I hated him, but was my dependency on him all that bound me to him? He was the only parental figure that I had.

'The same way that he chose her over you.'

That wasn't true at all. In fact, his relationship with Asuka had almost ended because he paid so much attention to me. It would stand to reason that Asuka would be the one feeling threatened, not me. But that still didn't answer the question…did I love Shinji Ikari in that way? When I asked him if I were human, he said that I was his friend. Was I just his friend? Or did I want something more than friendship? Did he want something more than friendship? No…he didn't. He had Asuka. Why would he need me in that way? Did I need him in that way?

'I was forced to watch them fuck like animals'

But wasn't sex biological? Scientifically speaking, sex was the act of procreating, but the way that Nagisa described sex made it look more spiritual. A unification of souls, he called it. Which was it? Biological or emotional? Emotional made sense in a way, since humans are one of two creatures on Earth that actually have sex for pleasure. But then again, what was lust? An attraction by pheromones and aesthetic qualities combined, in essence the embodiment of the biological aspect. But the question still stood.

The way Shinji described the beginning of his relationship with Asuka, made it sound more biological. They lusted for each other and satisfied their lust for each other, and then a relationship formed. And yet, I felt that they loved each other very much. I thought about the way Asuka had looked before I left the apartment that morning. She held onto him, her head resting on his chest, a satisfied smile on her lips. Such a scene of tenderness. How could Nagisa doubt that they were in love? And even if sex were merely biological, isn't there something good to be said about a couple who can love each other so much and yet be able to just "fuck each other like animals"?

I felt some sort of relief come over me, for I had found a flaw in Nagisa's reasoning. My conclusion was that he was jealous that Asuka had something that he couldn't have. Besides, it was Shinji's choice to make. And so with one flaw, I could paint his entire argument red. But if only it were that simple.

As it began to dawn, the rain slowed so that I could close my umbrella without fear of getting wet. Cars began to appear on the streets, everyday people going to their everyday jobs, eager to get the day over with so that the weekend could begin. I continued my walk, the gray clouds never letting the city get too bright. It wasn't long before I found myself in the Keat's Diner, ordering myself breakfast. Eggs, toast and hash browns.

When he had spoken about Shinji and Asuka, and his love for Shinji and his hate for Asuka, he had been imploring to my emotional side, a side that he never thought existed in me. I guessed that he was just trying to cover his bases, appealing to both sides of me. The side that could be emotional, and the side that had and desired a purpose. The choice between the old Rei and the new Rei. Choose purpose or choose life?

Nagisa's encounter was full of contradictions. Indirectly, he was said that I was human, and indirectly he said that I was a creation. So which was I really? If…I was a human, than I could automatically decide not to aid him since I didn't share his resentment for the human race and for Shinji and Asuka. However…the part that troubled me the most was how appealing his offer to help fulfill my purpose was. When he spoke those words to me…no more pain…that he could make me a star, that he could fulfill my purpose, I never missed a word. He had me by the ear and his words dripped in like a slow poison, absorbed through my ear drums and transported to my brain slowly eating away and killing me from the inside out.

My phone began to ring. I answered it and heard a worried voice on the other side.

"Rei? Where are you? We woke up this morning and you weren't home."

"Yes…I woke up early this morning…and went out for a walk. I am having breakfast right now." I answered timidly. I wanted as little contact as possible with Shinji and Asuka that day. I needed time to myself, time to think.

"Early this morning? It was raining all night! Are you okay? Did you take an umbrella?"

"Yes…you don't need to worry."

"Easy for you to say. When will you be home?"

"Not for a while I am afraid. I have…much to think about."

"Do you want to talk about it?" His voice dropped, concerned.

"No…this is something I must do on my own. If I do not return by nightfall, do not wait up for me. I will see you tomorrow for synchronization tests."

"What?! Rei…" I turned off my cell phone before he could speak further. I would see him tomorrow for synchronization test…if tomorrow existed.

I paid my bill and I left. I made my way to the park and sat down on a damp bench, feeling some of the moisture beginning to soak through my skirt. I didn't care though. I sat and continued to ponder.

The park was one of my favorite spots to visit. Usually filled with some of the best moments of humanity. That day there was no one there, the day being too dreary for any sort of outdoor activity at all. The bench upon which I sat was near the playground for children. A slide, monkey bars, swings, a playhouse and a sandbox. Usually the laughter of children would fill the air as they ran from place to place, chasing imaginary butterflies or even each other, smiles abound on their faces. I don't think I have ever smiled like that, nor have I ever laughed like that. A couple walked by holding onto each other, stopping briefly to laugh as children playing tag ran across their path. An older couple watched carefully over the children, content smiles on their faces rather than joyous ones, knowing that the future lay in front of them.

Those were things that I never had. The way things were looking, even if tomorrow came and went without a hitch, there would be little chance that I would ever know the same sort of happiness. Maybe because I was never meant to experience that sort of happiness? So why should I deny my obvious creation, endure the years of uncertainty, fear and pain for happiness that I may never have? Maybe that was what Nagisa meant…that Shinji was my only chance at happiness, but as long as Asuka was with him, I would never have a shot at that happiness. So why should I be so selfless as to save the world for something that I may never have? Everyday looking and longing for something that I would never have, ever hoping and never having. Couldn't I be selfish? Wasn't I entitled to some peace as well? At least if I were a star, then I would be at peace…not happy, but at least at peace.

But was happiness worth it? It was a gamble, and did I really need Shinji all to myself to be happy? He cared about me, and it seemed that even Asuka may care about me…on some lesser degree of course. So if people cared for me, then wouldn't they try to make me happy? Did I have a better shot at happiness than I really thought? Perhaps yes, perhaps no. The uncertainty was the thing that was killing me. I knew that I was created for a purpose, and that everyday that my purpose wasn't fulfilled, I felt like that I was missing something from my life. That horrible feeling of emptiness, coupled with the possible pain that went along with choosing life, might just be a little more than I could handle. But would the happiness make it all worth it? Would it? Or maybe I could learn to be human? I didn't know…I didn't know…

So I sat for hours on end, the sun might've been high in the sky but I never knew, for the clouds blocked everything out of sight, out of mind. Time was nothing to me once again. No music to comfort me, no Shinji to try and make me feel better. All that I had was the question. Do I choose purpose? Or do I choose life? I don't think I had even realized that it had gotten dark, but what finally disturbed me was someone calling my name.

"Rei…Rei…" I looked up and I saw Misato standing in front of me, or was it really her? All the basic features were that of Misato Katsuragi, but her eyes were different…they were…motherly? There was no concern, no pity, only soft understanding. A mother…something that I never had…something that neither Shinji nor Asuka ever had.

"How are you feeling Rei?" She asked.

"Okay…not so good…" I replied softly.

"Come one, you're going to catch a death of cold out here." She said and began to walk away, waving me to follow. I don't why, but I stood up and I followed.

"How…did…you find me?" I asked absently.

"Shinji called, really concerned about where you were. So I got word out to Section 2 to keep me informed on your location all throughout the day. I can't believe you sat there that long." She said and shook her head. "Come on, I've got some dinner for you."

As I rode in her car, eating salad out of a Styrofoam container with a plastic picnic fork, I wondered who that woman was. Certainly it wasn't the Misato Katsuragi that I knew. She wasn't drunk, she wasn't hyperactive, and so who was she then? Was this a side of Misato that I had never seen? Had Shinji and Asuka ever seen this side to her? Perhaps.

I didn't notice when we began to head toward the outskirts of the city, my mind still occupied elsewhere. I didn't notice when we began an ascent toward the top of a hill. I didn't notice when we stopped.

"I lost my father too Rei, when I was young." She said finally.

"I am aware of your father's participation in…"

"No, don't." She stopped me. "That wasn't my father. Well, in a way he was and in a way he wasn't.

"I had thought at the time that I hated my father. He never paid any attention to me, and he always ignored my mom. I thought he hated me, so I hated him right back. All he ever had time for was his work. The only times he ever called on me was if he needed some errands ran, or he needed something from me. But when he died, for a long time I couldn't stop thinking about it. I had thought that I hated him…but he was my father…and it still hurt. Do you see what I'm saying Rei?"

"I…" I trailed off.

"It was a long time before I found something that helped me get over his death. But…it turns out that it wasn't very good for me, and its become a sort of vice of comfort. Asuka told me about some of the things that you like, and I think I found something that matches." That was definitely a part of Misato that I had never seen before.

The entire time she sounded unsure of herself, almost like an actor preparing their lines for a play and then getting nervous on stage, repeating everything word for word and at the same time all the words sounding out of place and awkward.

"Hey Rei. We're here." She said and turned to face me.

"Here?" I asked curiously. "Where is here?"

"Get out and I'll show you." She said and left the car. I followed. We walked up a slight inclination, Misato carrying a small cooler with one hand. Then we stopped, she set the cooler down on the ground and sat facing out. I turned and did the same.

I saw the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen in my life.

I had no idea where the clouds had gone, but the sky was suddenly clear, and we were overlooking the city from a distant hill somewhere. But the city wasn't what caught my eye, it was the sky above. It was wonderful. There was so little light pollution…even now I can't begin to describe the feeling…there were so many more stars than I ever could have imagined. So many different colors, too subtle for the average person to tell, some light crimson, some light blue, some bright white, some solid, some flickering, some gigantic, some miniscule, each unique in its own very special way. They peppered the sky endlessly. It was almost as if the sky were a dome, and outside of it was a multitude of colors from some unknown magnificence, and on the surface of the dome were holes for the light to peep through. It shone and sparkled before me, and I found the Milky Way. Oh, it sparkled and shone. All my worries and troubles were forgotten as my eyes took in absolutely everything, wanting to leave no detail behind. And for a moment…my entire being was filled with happiness…no, not happiness…ecstasy, joy, elation. I felt that at that moment my greatest wish had been granted. I stood up and I reached toward the heavens, my heart feeling as though at any moment it would burst…what a feeling it was…and I closed my eyes, each eye a lens of a camera, capturing everything to be forever stored in my mind. If I never saw something so beautiful again, at least I had the memory. Then when I opened my eyes, I saw the North Star and I had an epiphany…

*******

Misato and I had stayed on the hilltop for a long time, not saying much but not needing to say much. She drank some iced coffee from her cooler and the only verbal exchange between us was when I thanked her for the gift. And then the klaxons went off just at midnight struck, and I knew it was time to perform.

*******

As the situation stood, there had been a pattern blue reading right inside of the city, but nothing was destroyed. I couldn't help but silently compliment Nagisa on the cleverness of his plan, which was so painfully obvious to me. He got a panic going inside of the city, causing alarm and yet he was still close enough to a NERV entrance to make his appearance swiftly, posing as a pilot and getting into our base, right under our noses.

I remember feeling the Misato's car tilt left and right as he drove down the streets and an equally alarming speed, going to my apartment to pick up Shinji and Asuka to take back to NERV with us. They got into the car and I briefly remember Shinji asking me if I was okay. I can't remember what my exact response was since my mind was at work thinking of a way to reach the Seventeenth Angel before they did.

Shinji and Asuka rushed to the locker rooms while Misato ran off toward the Operations Center. Employees ran back and forth, yelling over intercoms, their boots thudding against the floor adding more chaos to the situation. How easy it would be for him…how easy it would be for me. Without heading to the locker rooms, I began to make my way into the depths of NERV.

I had never felt so confident in my life. My heartbeat was steady, my breathing even, and my strides were solid. I briefly mused, how interesting it was that when I had a certain purpose to my existence, I only felt confusion and worry, and yet then as I was faced with the ultimate uncertainty, I was ready and devoid of fear.

With my decision made, I found myself in front of the infamous double doors. They were already open, the pool of LCL giving of a warm haze that slightly blurred everything in the room with the exception of the monstrous angel pinned in a mocking image of the crucifixion, a purple mask with seven eyes upon its face. And standing at the edge was the Seventeenth Angel, Tabris, Kaworu Nagisa.

My palms began to sweat in anticipation and my pulse quickened just a bit. I prayed for the strength that I would need to face him, and I took a deep breath.

"Do you know when I made my decision Rei?" He asked without turning around.

"I do not remember being on a first name basis with you, Nagisa." He chuckled softly.

"You know, there was a time where I knew that if I faced off against Shinji as the Seventeenth Angel, he would hold me the hand of his Eva unit, and he would not be able to kill me because I was his friend. I made my decision when one day, I looked at him in the eyes, and I knew that given the same situation now, he would crush me without a second thought, because I posed a threat to her." He shook his head. "It's a sad thing."

"You will fail." I said firmly.

"Somehow, I knew it would come to this. Of course you would choose your new master over me."

"He is not my master. He is my friend." I replied coldly and he cackled at that.

"In any case Rei, as usual, you are a day late and a dollar short. There is no way you can stop me…" And then he trailed off, and I let a smug smirk make its way onto my face, because I knew something that he didn't.

He turned to me, his eyes burning whiter than coals and a scowl evident on his face.

"This isn't Adam." He growled.

"How perceptive of you Nagisa."

"Where is he, Rei?"

"So you don't know everything after all." My body tensed.

"You will tell me where he is!" He shrieked and I felt a wave of force strike me in the dark room. His AT field was deployed. I smiled.

"Don't be childish Nagisa. Such a brute display of force has now doomed you." And then his eyes widened as he realized that he had erred.

"You…you…" He started, his eyes giving off light, his clothes moving as it they had a life of its own his body trembling from rage. He snarled and began to walk toward me, and I slowly lifted my shield against him. I raised my own AT field. At that, his snarl slowly morphed into a cruel cackle.

"Do you even know what an AT field is?" He asked, halting his advance briefly. "It's the barrier of the human soul. And you, without even a real soul, hope to stop me with that?!" I held my ground.

"Very well, it's your funeral isn't it? And when I'm done with you, I'll fight Asuka, then Shinji and then if I have to, I will take apart the entire world looking for Adam!" He screamed and struck me.

He was right. There was no chance that my AT field would be able to stand up against his, but I needed to bide time…time until Shinji could get there in his Eva…and then the final angel would be destroyed.

My ears were ringing, my vision was blurred. As I got up, I felt blood slowly dripping down from the corner of my mouth and I looked at him. Nothing registered on his face but the insane smile. Then he rushed at me again. I managed to dodge his next strike and throw and actual counterblow, boosting his momentum so that he crashed into the wall that was behind me. He slowly crawled out of the hole that he created, his shirt in ruins and pants in tatters, but his smile never leaving his face. I took a shoulder width stance, my senses still not fully recovered, and waited for his next attack.

It came much faster than the last two, and I was caught completely off guard. He rushed toward me in the same fashion, however I was just barely able to dodge that time. But before I could propel him forward, he adjusted the focus of the AT field and instead forced be backwards with an awesome force, sending me skidding along the floor, tearing my sweater, my skirt and my skin. I cried out in pain every time I hit the floor like a skimming stone. I finally came to a halt when I struck a wall, having the wind knocked out of me.

As I tried to breathe, I slowly stood up again, my legs shaking uncontrollably, unsure if I could stand for much longer. I also didn't know how many more hits like that I could take. I found that I was having difficulty using my left arm, and I looked down and I saw that it was broken, the bone pressing up against the inside of my skin causing it stick outward at an awkward angle. But for some odd reason, that didn't seem to hurt at all.

When I looked up, he was right in front of me, eyes ablaze, and he grabbed me by my neck. Then he threw me back against the wall, once again knocking the wind out of me. Then all I could do was lay on the floor trying to catch my breath as I prayed for Shinji or Asuka to arrive swiftly before I was no more and Nagisa could escape to wreak havoc another day.

Then I was picked up, and thrown against the wall again, and again, and again. Each time with more force than the time before, and I felt bone crunch and parts of me twist into positions not meant to be. Every hit was numbing, driving me further from my senses until it seemed like I was not in my body at all. I was watching myself being killed. Blood pooled on the floor, soaking my clothes completely. Finally, he held me up by the neck and slowly began to constrict my trachea.

"It will all be over soon Rei. You see? I'm making good on my promise, even though you never held up your end of the bargain. Now you'll be a star."

"Kaworu stop!" Shinji's voice echoed and I saw myself drop to the floor, feeling relief flow through me, and then dread. He wasn't in his Eva. Shinji stood in his plug suit, with a pistol in his hands. On either side of him was Misato and Asuka, also holding guns. And not far behind them, an entourage of security guards with automatic weapons. I felt like crying, for no matter how many guns they had, they came down without Evas, and all seemed lost.

"Two birds with one stone." Nagisa said flashing me a smile before turning to face them.

"Stop this Kaworu!" It pained me to see Shinji that way.

Tears were in his eyes as he saw a dear friend of his going completely mad. His eyes shifted to me, and he sobbed. I felt like telling him not to cry for me. I felt like telling him to go back and get his Eva before it was too late. But I didn't feel like I was in control of my body. So I tried, I tried with all my might to gain control again. Maybe, just maybe there was a way to help still.

"She's gone now Shinji. Your Wonder Girl, your puppet, your precious Rei tried to stop the inevitable. Much like you're doing now."

"Don't take another step!"

"You'd like to shoot, wouldn't you?" He asked Misato. "Go ahead."

Without blinking, she did. I wanted to tell her not to, tell her the futility of the situation, but it could not be done. The shot echoed endlessly in my mind. Every sound that I heard was hollow, as if it were being projected through a long pipe. But I was getting closer, I could feel myself getting closer. I needed to get back before he hurt Shinji further.

The bullet stopped in midair, but it did not drop to the ground. Instead he expanded it sending it back toward Misato, her own bullet striking her shoulder. With a cry of pain she collapsed on the ground, Asuka rushing over to see if she were all right.

"No!" Shinji screamed and aimed. I saw his finger on the trigger, gripping it tightly, wanting to pull, and yet still not being able to. Rage and sadness ran down his cheeks as the security began to back away, uncertainty and fear evident on their faces.

"That's right. You can't beat me." The Seventeenth mocked.

I could feel the pain. It was excruciating. Every part of my body from the waist up exploded with fire and electricity. For a moment I was incapacitated and I choked on a breath, drawing a surprised look from Shinji and the Seventeenth.

"Well, well. Looks like you weren't through after all. I should finish what I start."

"Don't you take another step toward her!" Shinji cried out, his finger threatening to drop the hammer. I prayed that Shinji wouldn't, not until I could help.

"How much does she mean to you? Does she mean more to you than me? You're willing to kill your friend over this doll who you were afraid of for so long?" The Seventeenth asked once again turning away from me.

I tried to move, my broken arm crunching slightly as I put pressure on it to raise myself up. I ground my teeth in pain so much that it felt as if they would go flat. I tried to move my legs, but I still felt detached from them. I tried to twist myself into a sitting position, only to have my nerves blasted with waves of pain from the small of my back. My spine was broken as well. I gave out a cry and fell backwards.

"Look at her, she's pathetic."

"Hang on Rei!"

"And you still love her more than me. I just down get you Shinji Ikari. Fine, if she means to so much to you, go ahead and shoot me." The Seventeenth raised his arms, exposing his full frame. "It would be my pleasure."

Shinji looked into my eyes, and I back into his. I saw so much, and I felt so much. My vision clarified, what was left of my strength returned and as soon as his eyes shifted, I acted. I would protect Shinji.

Three gunshots echoed with a hollow sound. The bullets seemed to move in slow motion for me as I felt my body being drained like a flowing faucet. The bullets stopped like the first and hovered in midair. I was suddenly aware of the blood leaving my body, slowly being pumped out as my heart fluttered and flickered like a dying light bulb. The bullets hovered and the Seventeenth began to slide involuntarily forward, closer to the bullets. He looked back at me in shock and surprise, growled and swung his farce back at me forcing me back into the wall, one final blow. Then his AT field was pierced. The conclusion was an obvious answer to a mathematical allocation question. All it took was one bullet.

It thudded into the Seventeenth, and blood shot forward from the wound. The rest of the field collapsed, the other two finalizing their journey like the first. A deafening roar of gunfire issued forth and the Seventeenth looked as though he had sprung a hundred leaks. He fell to the floor next to me, still making an effort to breathe.

He turned to look at me, and I saw fear, sadness and confusion in his eyes, his eyes as red as the life that left him. The Seventeenth was no more. For a moment, I felt sorry for him. He never understood why, and that was the only reason why he acted. But I understand, for I had an epiphany.

I once again feel detached, and as though I am looking down upon myself. Shinji is cradling me in his arms, tears running down his face. Don't cry Shinji, not for me. I didn't do this so that you could be sad, I did this so you could be happy. His words are hollow, and I can not understand them, but I do not need to understand his words to understand their meaning. Their meaning is that I will be missed.

All pain is gone from me. All feeling is gone from me, except for the warmth of his touch. My skin is even paler than before, and my hair is matted to my head and face with blood, no longer blue but a little purple from the combination of colors. My eyes are still bright red. I have never been happier. I feel that my greatest wish has been granted, my heart feels as though at any moment it will burst…what a feeling it is…and I close my eyes, each eye a lens of a camera, capturing everything to be forever stored in my mind. If I never see something so beautiful again, at least I have the memory. When I open my eyes, I see the North Star and…

*******

I had an epiphany. It didn't matter what I looked like. It didn't matter if I were human or not. The fact was that I was irreplaceable. I didn't need Nagisa to make me a star. I was a star already, unique, beautiful and mysterious. I was a star in the eyes of Shinji, Misato, Asuka, Horaki, Suzuhara, Aida and any other person that met me or could meet me in the future.

It also didn't matter whether Shinji loved me in that special way or not. I didn't even know if I loved him in that way or not, so why should I be concerned about whether he chose me over Asuka, or something as ridiculous? What mattered was that I was important to him, as a friend and maybe something more.

I chose life. Even if it meant living the rest of my life in the anxiety of denying my purpose, to be able to hear Shinji say "That was beautiful", would make everything worthwhile. I chose an outing at the mall with Asuka and Horaki. I chose the music sheet that he bought as a simple gesture of friendship. I chose talking with him and Asuka over coffee and tea. I chose parties at Misato's, jobs that pay and whatever else life has to offer for me. I was not afraid anymore.

Fin

Author's Notes: I know this seems a bit rushed, and many things seem really out of place. Dialogue could definitely be better, I know, but tell me all the flaws anyway. To tell you all the truth, I just wanted this out of my incomplete works folder already. I hope you all enjoyed it. All forms of review are welcome.