Chapter 3
"Sara!" I shake her shoulders again but nothing. I lead her to the floor. The dead weight frightens me. She looks so... "Sara, can you hear me?"
Nothing. Dammit! I caress her face to get some kind of response but her head falls limply to the side. I squeeze her hand but again nothing. I realize I would rather her be okay and with someone else than have her in a coma. I couldn't live by the hospital bedside of Sara Sidle. That would really break my heart. She is too full of life to watch her sleep forever. I need her to be okay. She will be okay, I know she will be. She has to be. She's always there and always okay. She has to be okay for me.
"What happened?!"
Hank drops down beside me. I am unable to control my anger. "What the hell does it look like?!"
He glares at me. "Mr. Grissom get away from her."
"No." It is an automatic response. I don't want to leave her with him.
"We need to work."
I blink hard and look around the room. No one can look at me. I step back to allow access for Hank and his partner to jump into action. I scold myself for being so stupid to think he just wanted to be with her. I'm not thinking straight. What's wrong with me? I watch them check her pulse. They share a worried glance and it shakes me to the core. With a quick nod Hank retrieves a stimulant from his med kit. He waves it under her nose.
"Sara wake up." He urges.
She rocks to the side and throws up. Hank just steps aside, unfazed, and rubs her back. "Can you hear me Sara?"
Without a word she rolls to her back with her eyes closed again. His hand is across her stomach now. I feel sick. It's almost too much.
"Sara, I'll use it again if I have to now wake up."
I am surprised by his stern tone. He seems either very angry that she passed out again or he is really scared.
"Grissom."
It's only a whisper but we hear it. I am not mistaken, I know because she says my name again. I am by her side in two seconds. "Sara? It's me Grissom. Can you open your eyes Sara?"
"Tired." She slurs.
I roughly rub her arm to get her to stay with me. "It's the concussion." Her eyes blink then they close again. God this is horrible. She can't even keep her eyes open.
"Move Mr. Grissom." Hank stares at me. "Please."
I back away from her again and in perfect synchronization they slide her onto the scretcher. Her form is still limp and her arm flops over the side. It captivates me until Hank grabs her wrist and gently places it against her side. He does care about her I know.
"Do you want to ride with her?"
He is talking to me. What do I say? I want to go but she doesn't need me. She wouldn't want me there. She has him. I stare at her beautiful figure. The injured eye has stopped swelling but the bruising is getting worse. She looks cold. I can't breathe anymore.
"Mr. Grissom are you coming with Sara or not?"
"Go. She needs treatment." I utter the words without knowing why I say them. I want to go but I can't. My legs won't move, my chest won't take in air, and my eyes won't stop stinging. She is going to be okay. It's just a bump on the head. No big deal. Right? If I go then it's all too real that she doesn't want me. She'll be just fine. I don't even sound convincing to myself.
They exit with Sara. I look across the room and again no one meets my eyes. They all stare after Sara then drop their gaze to the floor. I suddenly feel trapped and need air. I shuffle out of the room with my head lowered. I make my way to my office. It will serve as my refuge for now. I manage to collapse in my chair before I pass out.
"Hey Grissom?"
My head shot up to the door. "Yeah Nick?" I croak out.
"Catherine went to the hospital and said she'll call with updates." He pushes himself inside the door. "Do you think she'll be okay?"
It's almost a whisper, like he doesn't even want to let others know that he was thinking the worst. I sigh. "I hope so Nick." I pull my glasses on to show that I am in control and ready to work, but I feel like I am in pieces. "Let's just get back to work."
He seems upset that I dismiss Sara as if she means nothing to me. Or maybe he is disappointed that I can't comfort him by for once showing that I do feel something, anything. I know all he needs is reassurance but he doesn't seem to begrudge me for not supplying it. Sometimes I wish I could change that. When I see Warrick struggling with his addiction, or I see Catherine upset because she let Lindsay down again because of work, or I see Nick right now in front of me seeking a father figure to tell him everything will be okay. Most of the time the urge hits me to become something I am not when I see Sara in distress. I hate to see her that way, but she knows better now. She doesn't come to me with feelings, only facts about a case. The time she came to me crying was the last time I saw her so exposed. Granted I have seen her discouraged and frustrated but never upon the verge of crying ever again. When I saw those tears, I was at a total loss. I was unprepared for it so I let her walk out without any reassurance.
"It's the way the system works." I said.
What the hell kind of man, or friend, was I to side with the system. I hate it too. I hate to see the bad guy walk. She came to me to get it all out and I offered no relief from her pain. I told her she needed a diversion and in a way she was seeking one in me that day. I was her outlet for that brief moment because she couldn't keep it in anymore and I didn't help her any whatsoever. She walked away; where I do not know but I did care. After she left I rode roll coasters for almost an hour and went home. The days after, she stopped letting me see that side of her. The sad thing is I wanted it that way. The first of my mistakes. I can't help but feel that I missed something big, something major, that would explain everything.
Now, her third year working with me, she has become even more disconnected from cases. Catherine even said that she seems more distant. I guess I should be proud that she has evolved into a better CSI but it rings false. It's not the Sara I remember. I am not who I remember. I ride roller coasters less and less and hide away more and more. It used to be a diversion but it's losing its appeal. I am growing tired of the struggle. I want to explain that distancing myself is my defense; the only defense I have to keep from crumbling and becoming attached. I can't do that, not for anyone or anything.
Sara has a diversion now; Hank. I am sure he is a great person if Sara likes him. She was always a good judge of character. He kissed her and he touched her thigh. Friends don't do that. He loves her. Who wouldn't? I couldn't though. Does she love him? It shouldn't change anything but it will, it does, and it has. I assumed the worst and made them a couple. I can't help but think that I was only pushing her further away. Now they are a couple and I am her boss. A friend at most.
I should be relieved but I am not.
I wish I could give it all away. Give away the headaches, the burdens, the threats, just everything. Give it all away just to have somewhere to go to. Give it all away to have someone to go home to.
I glance up and realize Nick left. I didn't help him any I know. He will seek comfort in Warrick. They are close friends; almost brothers. I hope they help each other. I slouch back in my chair letting the darkness seep into my soul. I missed something. I know it.
"What am I doing?" I say aloud but get an answer from someone beside the voice in my head.
"Well nothing constructive." Jim stands in my doorway. "I got that warrant." He says patting his pocket.
I quickly pull on my glasses trying to pull myself together. I am good at switching gears. I can do this. Nothing has changed and everything will be okay. I am happy for her. I nod to Jim. "Good."
"I heard what happened to Sara. And I heard about you."
My legs stopped working and I couldn't get up. So much for getting passed this. "What about me?"
He came into my office. "Took a nice chunk out of that EMT. I have to say that I am shocked."
God I really was out of line in there. What was I doing in there? I almost completely lost my composure out of jealousy. It's not like me at all. That doesn't happen to me. I have to suck it up and move on. As long as Sara is okay then I'll be okay. I don't care who she is sleeping with. It's none of my business.
"So did it feel good to tell someone off."
"Jim, I did not take a 'chunk out of that EMT' or tell anyone off."
He raised his eyebrows. "Not according to Warrick."
"Let's drop it and get to work." I pushed myself onto my feet but my cell phone ringing stopped me. I groped for my phone. "Catherine?"
"Yeah it's me. I'm at the hospital and Sara came around when the doctor saw her. She was fully responsive again when they took her up to get some head scans done. The doctor is pretty sure she has a facial fracture but doesn't know until the X-rays come back. Good news is that there isn't any permanent eye damage. If only she can stay awake, she should be okay."
It felt good to get air supply to my lungs and brain. "Call me with any word."
"It would be easier if you were here." There was a pause. "She was calling your name when the doctor was trying to wake her. Maybe you should be here."
She was calling me? Why? It's too confusing. I fumble for an easy exit. "I can't the warrant came through." I know it's a poor excuse but I need something. I can't get too close. I slipped in there when I saw her with Hank and I can't let it happen again. I'm over it now and can't let it happen again.
"Suit yourself. I'll call with any news. Bye."
She disconnected the call.
"What was that about?" Jim asked.
I closed my phone. "Sara is not totally out of harms way but she regained consciousness again."
"Well that's a relief. You know that EMT should be fired for not doing his job properly."
"He did he job just fine Jim." I couldn't believe I was defending him. It wasn't his fault anyway. It wasn't his fault he cared about her. I know the feeling. Stop it, I scold myself. This is not right. Get passed this. Sara is pulling through. Just forget it. Concentrate on the evidence and work. "Let's use that warrant you have in your pocket."
"You know Warrick and I can handle this if you want to go to the hospital."
"Why? There is nothing I can do for her." My words made me realize that I sounded like a complete ass. Jim looks at me almost with distaste. The words ring in my ears. I am an ass. "I mean, Catherine is there and can keep us posted."
"Whatever you say Grissom."
He leads the way out of my office. I can feel myself coming back on track as we head out, but one thought hits me hard. She was calling my name?
tbc...