Chapter 4
"Hey."
I turn. "Grissom."
"Shouldn't you be inside?"
"No." I shake my head vigorously. For some reason the crime building I have my back to scares the living hell out of me. I feel its coldness pulling at me. It's like a black hole and its gravitation pull won't let me go. But I resist, because I am scared. I don't want to go in. I don't care if I ever go back in that building. It scares me. Right now the only thing keeping me away from the edifice are my feet planted to the warm cement. The peaceful sunset keeps me warm and not so frightened. It has held my gaze, for what seems like hours. The colors changed from blue to purple then the hottest shade of pink I have ever seen. It is simply beautiful. I close my eyes in a euphoria of emotion but they spring open. The darkness scares me too. It's cold in the dark.
"You know Sara it's okay. I want you to be happy. You deserve to have a life."
I turn sharply towards him when I hear him speak. His face radiates with the orange glow of the desert sun. "But I am not happy Grissom."
He raises his eyebrow and tilts his head trying to understand the logic in my statement. "Sara you can be happy and that's all that matters."
I face him square on. "Why are you pushing me away?"
He smiles. "You know why."
"Don't you love me?" The words surprise me as I let them flow naturally from my mouth in frustration. I can't believe I just said that, but I don't care. He needs to know how I feel.
"Sara," His voice dies in the gentle breeze that blows across Las Vegas. He looks at his watch. "I have to go now. Promise me that you won't stay outside too long. It's cold." He starts to walk away.
"Then keep me warm." I call after him.
To my relief he does not leave. He stands in front of me. We are almost touching, yet we seem so far away and unreal. "I can't." He whispers.
The words bring pain to my heart. "You never try." I plea with him. "Just try."
He sighs. "Sara what is one thing you want?"
"You." I feel the tears stinging my eyes. "I want you Grissom."
"Why?"
"Because I love you."
He doesn't seem shocked by my confession. He looks to the building. "I can't." He repeats sadly.
"Why? Just give me one good reason."
"Because." He looks at the ground. When his blue eyes catch mine brown ones he smiles again. "I am late. Go inside Sara, he is waiting for you."
I grab his arm. He is real. He is warm, like the sunset. I never want to let him go. "Grissom I am waiting for you."
"Oh Sara." He touches my cheek and the first tear drops like rain from my eye. "That would be nice, but I may never be ready."
"I'll wait."
"Sara you can't wait forever or you wouldn't have him waiting for you now. That's why you went to him in the first place; to seek companionship." My chest constricts as he speaks the truth. He takes my hand in his. "I know why you lied Sara and it's all okay. He wants you Sara so go to him. He can't wait forever. I don't want you to wait for me. I want you to be happy."
"Grissom he's not special to me like you are. We are just close..."
"Friends. I know but he can be more if you let him. He wants to be more than a friend Sara. Just let him in."
"We can be more if you let me in."
Again he smiles. "The sun is going down you better go inside before it gets dark."
"Come inside with me."
"Sorry Sara but I have to go."
"Where? Let me come with you." I hold onto his hand for dear life. I need to feel him, to be with him, to hold him; I need him.
"No Sara. You can't come with me on this assignment. It's just for me."
"Please."
"I'll see you at work tomorrow, okay?" He nods at me. I cannot speak. He is leaving. "Good. Go in, I got to go now." He walks away.
The growing distance hurts. A gush of wind hits me across the face and he is gone. The sun is near its edge now. "Grissom!" I yell running after him. "Grissom please! I am so sorry! Grissom!"
I fall to the ground and let all my anguish pour out through my tears. "Grissom, please don't go!"
The tears are unstoppable and rake through my body like needles. "Grissom."
There is nothing but black as I lay on the cold pavement. The sun has left me. Grissom has left me. I can't stop crying. I have never cried so hard. "Grissom."
"Sara, sweetie?"
My eyes shoot open. "Grissom!"
Catherine smiles back at me. "No it's just me."
"Where's Grissom?" I ask looking around. It was a dream. No he was so real. He was with me. I could feel his warmth. He was here. I blink hard. It's too bright in here. "Where am I?"
She guides me back to the pillow. "How much do you remember?"
I search my mind. "Nick and Greg hitting me with the door. Um. The interrogation room, Grissom." I pause. "And Hank, then nothing."
"Close enough." She sat down on the bed. I don't like her so close to me for some reason. I just want Grissom. He found out the wrong way. I have to explain.
"That was some bad dream."
"Huh?"
"You were crying in your sleep. That's why I woke you." She looked at the door then back to me. "What was it about?"
I feel embarrassed that I was crying in front of her. I don't cry in front of anyone. It's a weakness. "I don't remember." I whisper wiping my face.
She smiles. "Mothers have a keen sense for lies and you are a terrible liar." She gets up off the bed. "Was it about a case?" She pulls up her chair and sits down. I stare at her in confusion. How could she know that I dream about cases? She stares at me. "Grissom told me. He was worried about you and needed to vent. I happened to be around, nothing more."
I am somewhat relieved that he didn't actually go in search of her to talk about me. He wouldn't do that. But I am angered that a private piece of information had escaped. "It wasn't about a case."
"So it was about him." She shrugs. "That was the second time you were saying his name. The first time when the doctor saw you, then again while you were sleeping."
I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything. I feel so exposed. I don't like putting myself out there for just anyone. But in a way I am glad it was her instead of Grissom. If he knew I had a dream about him, he'd shit. He would surely run the other way. He wouldn't want to get close; he would see it as getting too close.
"Okay." She says out loud breaking the silence. I know she won't press what she wants to ask. I am grateful she respects my privacy. Catherine is like a younger version of my mother. She is just like her. She is too lax to beat the answers out of you but too stern to walk away from without getting something from you. Then again I always won. Stubborn Sidle gene from dad I guess. Mom still doesn't no a thing about me.
"I want some coffee. You up for some?" She asks standing.
I shake my head but stop when I realize it hurts too much. "No thanks."
"Are you sure? I can sneak you in a cup."
"That's all right."
"Okay then." She slowly walks out the door.
As the dreamworld and painkillers begin to wear off I feel the throbbing in my head. It's quiet in the room. I close my eyes to make the thoughts in my head become quiet like the room. It isn't working.
Hank. Hank, Hank, Hank. Grissom, Grissom, Grissom. Grissom. I actually have a chance with Hank. He is so simple. Of course he's never really complex with anything. Death and work seem to fade into the background when I am with him. He's a good guy. That dream bothers me though. I know it was my subconscious talking for Grissom but it seemed all too real that Grissom would push me away and want me to be happy. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to lose Grissom because of some fling I have with Hank. It's not a fling. Flings imply sex. We haven't been together in that respect. I get exactly what I need from Hank; someone to be there for me. Someone that can care about me. Hank needs more though. I can see it. I think I am going to throw up.
"Hey you."
My eyes fly open. I ignore the dull ache behind my eye sockets. "Hey Hank."
He comes to rest in the chair Catherine just vacated. He takes a hold of my hand and begins to rub my knuckles. "How do you feel?"
"Fine." I lie and force a tight smile.
"You said that before and your boss had to catch you before you hit the floor."
Grissom. I wish I could remember if he was touching me again. Hank's hand on mine brings me back to reality. "So when can I get out of here?" It's a sad attempt at getting past my dream and Grissom's eerie words. Dreams never come true. Neither will that one.
"The doctor is still unsure but we'll see. You might be out of here by this afternoon." He smiles. "I just stopped in to see you for a minute to make sure you're okay. Get your rest. Okay?"
"Yeah."
He rises from his chair. "I'll see you later." He kisses my cheek softly. First contact. A simple sweet kiss. When he pulls away his lips brush mine. I feel dirty. Like I need a shower. Like I am cheating on Grissom. But that's not true. You have to be with someone to cheat on them. Hank smiles at me and I smile back. I watch him go and feel sick again. The nausea becomes so unbearable that I have to jump out of bed and run for the small bathroom. I make it just in time to ease my bad nerves with waves of vomit. It's disgusting. I hate throwing up.
"Are you okay Sara?"
"Just go away Hank." I say as the last wave hits me. Just go away. I'm confused. I hate being confused.
"Uh...it's me, Grissom."
tbc...