Chapter 5
"Grissom!" I spin around to face him. How could I be so stupid?! I know Grissom's voice! Shit! Hank could never be Grissom! I try to regulate my breathing. It's not working.
"I didn't mean to scare you." He seems uncomfortable as he shifts from one foot to the other. His eyes are a blue gray. I've never seen them that way before.
I mumble as I look at his eyes. "You didn't scare me, you just..."
"Startled you." He finished. "Do you want me to leave?"
"No!" I answer quickly. "Um...so what are you doing here?"
Again I notice he is uncomfortable. Well, I did think he was Hank. Real smooth on my part. That and he found out I've been keeping Hank a big secret from him. He thinks I am a liar. I can't believe he is even here.
"I was in the neighborhood." He says finally.
"You hang around hospitals?" Shut you damn mouth Sara! He is finally here and you're giving him a hard time about it?! Quiet!
"No. My suspect was hit by a car when he ran from questioning. Brass and I brought him in. He isn't in bad shape but we didn't want him claiming neglect and have the case dismissed on a technicality."
"Oh." I choke out. I should have known it was about work. He would never come on his own accord. Not just to see me. Not after Hank. Well the possibility was nice while it lasted.
He gestures to the toilet. "Are you okay? Do you need a doctor?"
"No. I just got queasy all of the sudden. I'm fine really."
My body is in an uproar of nerves and pain. Why can't I just tell him that? I go to the small sink and rinse my mouth. I wish I could find some way to drown myself. Damn reflexes just won't allow it! When I pull away from the sink basin I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I can't stop the gasp from expelling from my mouth. I touch my swelled red and purple eye. I jerk my hand away in pain.
"You look better than you did."
I focus my attention on Grissom's reflection. "I look horrible." I say examining my eye again. It's badly bloodshot. The capillaries must have broken upon impact with the door. I will kill Nick and Greg for this. Kill them.
"You look fine."
I stop my assault on my eye and turn to face him. "Yeah right."
"At least you are awake." His voice holds something I cannot clearly detect. It seems a mixture of relief and something else that I can't put my finger on.
I shrug as if it was nothing. "True."
"Well I better go."
Right. Go. "You have work?" I ask trying to keep him just a little longer. The dream was just a short time ago. I don't want him to go yet.
He nods. "The suspect should be ready to question once he was stitched up. That was twenty minutes ago."
Twenty minutes? He hasn't been with me for twenty minutes. Where was he? I watch him. He doesn't move for the exit. I don't know what to say. Should I bring up Hank or give him some kind of explanation? All I wanted was to explain when I finally saw him, but does he want even one? Does he care anymore? He's staying far away from me like I have Ebola. Does that mean something? I should say something. I finally work up the courage when he speaks.
"Sara I am not upset."
I feel the color drain from my face. Oh hell no he did NOT! Upset? Upset?! "Excuse me?"
"You should have a life." He shrugs.
He shrugs! Damn him! Is this his way of comforting me? Why can't he just for once be pissed off or ask me an honest question?! I want him to do something. Give me some indication, anything, that he is human and he cares about me! I am so sick and tired of explaining myself to him. I am angry. I feel my breath come in quick rasps. I hate it when he does that to me. I stare at him with pleading eyes, the pain is so clear I can feel it. He shrugs again. He shrugs! My features twist in contempt.
"I wasn't aware that I needed your approval to begin with." My tone is icy.
The sentence pierces through his wall and draws blood. I see the hurt flash in his eyes but it leaves as quickly as it came. I hate trying to crumble that wall. It is no use.
"You're right, you don't need my approval. I guess I was wrong." He almost hisses the words at me.
"Wrong about what?" I snap back. What is he talking about? Of course being clear is something he tries to stay away from.
"Nothing. See you at work Sara." He says my name with such bitterness that I catch a chill running down my back.
"Yeah whatever Grissom." I turn back to the sink and begin to wash my hands. They don't need washed but if I don't focus on something I know I will be drawn to his eyes. After several minutes and raw hands, I brave a look in the mirror. He is gone. How can a visit of two friends end so horribly? My hands are shaking.
______
To my relief I am allowed to go home, provided someone can stay with me to prevent any slips into an unresponsive state. Of course the way I am feeling right now, I would gladly welcome a coma. No that's not true.
Catherine volunteered to take me to her place but Hank already insisted he would stay with me. At least I could be at home. A facial fracture to the orbital bone, a nasty bloody red eye, a killer migraine, and my fight with Grissom is what I have to tolerate until the painkillers kick in. Oh and Hank. I have to tolerate Hank. After the episode with Grissom I don't think I'll mind too much. I need the company.
I fumble with my keys to my apartment. The painkillers finally kicked in half an hour ago. They are good; too good. I can't focus worth a crap and I am so tired. Finally I get the door open.
"Hank I am going to bed. Okay?" The words come out before he even can step through the door.
He smiles at me and closes the door. "Sure. I'll be in to check on you in a little while."
I nod and walk away to my bedroom. "You can watch TV or whatever. Food and drinks are in the fridge."
"Okay!" He yells after me.
I slump into bed so hard the springs creak beneath me. I finally find the energy to pull my shoes off and crawl under the blankets a few minutes later. I can't help but think of what Grissom said to me despite the exhaustion. It bothers me that he can't just...just I don't know. Does he really not care about who I date? I think I am in a relationship with Hank. I can't keep lying to myself. I let him kiss me in the hospital. His lips touched mine, even for a moment, and I did not resist. He is my boyfriend. But does it really not bother Grissom or is he just hiding away like he always does? He has moved on. Maybe it's time I did too. I thought we had something special but I guess not. No reason to hold out on Hank anymore.
I didn't want to be so cold to him but I just snapped. I am tired of his 'You deserve a life' and 'You need a diversion'. Well I got one and he didn't seem too happy. I pulled away from Hank for Grissom only to be shunned again. I can't play this tug-of-war much longer.
When he said 'I'll see you at work' it was like living in my dream. A nightmare more like it. I can't say I wasn't expecting something along the lines of acceptance but I did not expect to be bombarded with it by him first. I wanted to explain. I guess he doesn't want me to explain.
I feel sleep take over and my eyes close softly.
"Sara?"
My eyes jump open then collapse again under the weight of sleep. "Hmm."
"Good I've been trying to wake you for almost two minutes. You had me worried."
"Tired." I slur rolling away from him. "How long has it been anyway?"
"A half hour."
Time really flies when you need sleep. It seemed like two seconds ago that I fell asleep. "I'm tired."
He chuckles and it catches my attention enough to look at him. "What?"
He smiles at me from his crouched position by my bed and brushes the hair off my forehead. "You."
Before I can stop him he kisses me. Not like before. This is a real kiss. My heart skips a beat in surprise. It is soft at first then it gets harder, more passion driven, as he forces his tongue in my mouth. I kiss him back. I forget about everything else and kiss him back. Grissom wants this, I think bitterly. Hank's hand slips under my shirt to my stomach. As his tongue lashes out, his hand tightens on my skin. Then it starts upward.
No. This isn't right. It doesn't feel right. Not with Hank. He tastes weird. And I am thinking. A kiss so deep is supposed to be mind numbing but I am still aware of his slobbery tongue in my mouth. I stop it and pull away from his lips.
"No." I breath heavily. His hand rubs my bare side. I stop him. "Hank stop. This isn't right."
He hangs his head. "Sara we have known each other for months now. When is it going to be right?"
"I can't." I choke out.
He scoffs. "Right. We are just friends, you told me. Sara when you got hurt I felt something. I want to be more than your friend. I care about you. I want to be with you. I thought you felt the same way."
"I can't." I repeat mindlessly. It's all I can manage. My lips throb, almost painfully.
"You can't what? Sleep with me? Sara I won't hurt you. I don't sleep with women then dump them. It wouldn't be a one night stand baby."
I am touched by his sincerity. "It's not that Hank. I am sorry but this doesn't feel right."
"Will it ever feel right?"
I remain quiet. I don't want to hurt him. He is so good to me. But if there is one shred of evidence that Grissom feels for me I just couldn't do it. I couldn't know that I only slept with Hank because I was trying to hurt Grissom. It's shallow and mean. It's not me. I don't do that. I really don't want to hurt Hank but I don't want to do something I'll regret. I have to be sure. It's all up to Grissom now if I settle for Hank. Settle? I don't settle for anything.
"Fine." He sounds bitter as he removes his hot hand from my skin. "I'll let you sleep." He rises from his crouched position. "If you need me, I'll be in the living room."
I nod and he seems pacified. He leaves me alone in the darkness. This cannot be happening. I smooth my shirt where his hand was and pull the covers up to my chin. What the hell am I doing?
tbc...