GILES: Buffy it's me.
BUFFY: Giles where are you?
GILES: I'm driving north on I-5. I'm sorry I had to leave so abruptly, but the Seer told be she detected a young woman glowing in Los Angeles. She thinks it's another potential Slayer, and I wanted to get to this girl before the Bringers did.
BUFFY: Haven't we learned that this glowing thing is not always unreliable?
GILES: That was just Willow botching the spell. She had the wrong kind of eggs and she didn't, never mind. How is the new girl doing?
BUFFY: She can't speak English, but apparently Andrew knows Chinese, and he can translate for me. The only problem is now I have to bring him on patrols. Andrew's the only person she can talk to. I really feel sorry for her.
GILES: At least Andrew's finally contributing something to the team. Try to keep the house in one piece, and I'll be back with your latest trainee before nightfall.
[The seer gave Giles the address of the building where she detected the potential Slayer. It's mostly abandoned. He finds one apartment that looks inhabited. He knocks on the door. No answer. Giles fears the Bringers have got to her. The door's unlocked. He opens it. He enters the loft. It looks empty. Then someone comes out of nowhere and puts a knife to his throat.]
CONNOR: Who sent you? [Giles glances over his shoulder. Realizes this kid isn't a Bringer.]
GILES: Please relax and take the knife away from my throat. I'm here to help.
CONNOR: Why should I trust you?
GILES: You were ready for me. Are you used to intruders? Men in black swooping in to try to take her away, to hurt her?
CONNOR: How do you know about that?
GILES: Because I'm one of the good guys. I want to protect her. And I'm the only one who can keep her alive.
CONNOR: I'm her protector.
GILES: Yes, and that's very honorable of you, young man. But you have no idea what powerful forces you are up against. [Connor puts the knife away. Giles is relieved.]
CONNOR: Talk.
GILES: Well then, I see you're a child of few words, so I'll be as brief and succinct as possible. I'm not a crazy person. But I'm going to tell you something which may sound absolutely insane. Vampires are real.
CONNOR: Yeah. I've known that my whole life.
GILES: Really? Does she know vampires are real?
CONNOR: Of course. We've killed them together.
GILES: So she's already begun her slaying. Excellent. Has she displayed any extraordinary powers, abilities which seem almost superhuman?
CONNOR: She glowed once. Is that what you're talking about?
GILES: Sort of. Though it's odd you would be able to see that. You two must be very close. What are you, exactly? Her brother? Her boyfriend, perhaps?
CONNOR: The second one.
GILES: Ah. Do you know where I can find her?
CONNOR: She works for my father. I'll take you there.
[At the Hyperion lobby, which is empty when Giles and Connor enter.]
GILES: This is a very spacious office. What exactly does your father do for a living?
CONNOR: I'll go find her. [Brings Cordy out] This guy wants to see you.
CORDY: Giles? Giles! What a surprise!
GILES: Indeed.
CONNOR: Here is the girl you were asking about.
GILES: Is this some sort of joke? Because I am not amused. This is a supreme waste of my exceedingly valuable time. Who put you up to this?
CONNOR: Why are you so mad? You told me to bring you to the woman who lived with me and fought vampires and glowed. That's Cordy.
GILES: Who is this boy and why is he playing a part in your little charade?
CORDY: What is your problem?
GILES: My problem is I came here looking for a Slayer and instead I get led to you, someone who is obviously not a Slayer.
CONNOR: Cordy's a slayer. We all are.
GILES: Come again? Now that joke makes absolutely no sense.
CORDY: What joke? Giles, is there some medication you haven't been taking?
ANGEL: What's all the noise? Rupert. Hey man, it's been a while. What brings you here? Lemme guess, the imminent apocalypse?
GILES: Yes, except none of you have any part to play in it.
CORDY: Did you recently suffer a massive head injury? Maybe that's what's causing your delusions.
GILES: Angel, what are you doing here? Do you work for this boy's father?
ANGEL: I am this boy's father.
[Giles bursts into uncontrollable laughter, which lasts for about a minute,]
ANGEL: Cordy, I think you're right. Giles needs help.
CONNOR: He said he was going to help us. He knew Cordy was powerful, and that people had come after her. He seemed like a good guy.
GILES: It's funny cause it's so bloody ridiculous! Angel's a FATHER. Cordelia's a SLAYER. Cordelia shacks up with Angel's son? No, that part's not funny. Quite disturbing, actually. Anyway, this was a very childish waste of my time. Did Willow put you up to this? I need to call them.
CORDY: Poor Giles. I hate to see someone I know lose it like this.
ANGEL: He had a very stressful job. Everyone has their breaking point.
GILES: Buffy, I want to know, who was in on this? A Slayer - in Los Angeles. How very convenient. I should have seen it coming a mile away.
BUFFY: Giles you're not making any sense. Did you find her?
GILES: Yes I did. And do you who she is? Cordelia.
Buffy: What?!! Cordelia is NOT a Slayer.
GILES: I know that. Was it Willow? Did she get my Seer to play this trick on me?
BUFFY: Willow doesn't know your Seer. None of us do. Except for you. Why would she lead you to Cordy?
GILES: That's what I bloody well want to know.
[Buffy's in the kitchen with the newbies. Spike comes down, looks through the fridge.]
SPIKE: Who put my blood in the freezer? What am I supposed to do now? It's hard as a rock. Like a bloody popsicle. You know the rules – don't mess with my blood, and I won't drink your blood. And don't think I'm bluffing.
BUFFY: Spike, you're shirt's completely unbuttoned.
SPIKE: So?
BUFFY: So the newbies are staring at you. And I think Molly may be drooling.
SPIKE: Right. Don't want to corrupt the kiddies. [buttons up]
BUFFY: What was that, Giles? Really? He said what? [bursts out laughing] How would that even be remotely possible? Who's the mother? Who? Spike, Giles has something to tell you. [Buffy hands the phone to Spike, keeps laughing.]
MOLLY: Is this how it works? We stake the ugly ones, but get to keep the pretty ones as pets?
BUFFY: [stops laughing] Spike is not a . . . it's complicated. And highly unusual.
KENNEDY: [who of course was not checking out Spike] Not for you it isn't. Willow told me about Angel. Is Spike also cursed?
SPIKE: Angel's a dad? Who's the mum? Darla!!! Darla, a mother! [starts laughing] That's the funniest thing I've heard in a long while. Imagine the two of them as parents. [laughs some more] And they said this with a straight face?
GILES: I don't know how they keep their composure. And the kid is such a good actor. It's like he really believes they are his parents. What does he look like? Really lanky, a little shorter than Angel. Dark hair. Very stormy and brooding. I know. It's just what you would expect a child of theirs to look like.
SPIKE: So how does the story go? Angel claims he had a brief reconciliation with Darla in the 80s, and then abandoned the boy?
GILES: Much better. He says the boy was born last year and raised in a hell dimension by Angel's old arch-nemesis, who traveled 200 years through time to punish Angel.
SPIKE: The time travel part's a bit over-the-top, don't you think? They wouldn't even try something THAT loopy on "Passions."
GILES: Not to mention the fact that Darla's been as dead as dust for more than 5 years.
SPIKE: Actually, she was resurrected as a human a few years ago. Dru sired her, and Darla hung around LA and tormented Angel.
GILES: So that part of their story is true?
SPIKE: A good practical joke always needs to be built around a kernel of truth. That's the beauty of this little con. Guess now that Angel's away from the Hellmouth, he doesn't have too many demons to fight, and has to find some way to pass the time.
GILES: But this was just far too immature, wasting my time like this. Tell Buffy I'll be heading back. [hangs up. looks at Angel and Cordy.] Glad to see you two are well. Now if you will excuse me, I have an apocalypse to prevent. [walks to door. stops. looks out window.] Is it raining fire?