[Buffy's dining room. Willow, Buffy, Anya and Xander sit around the table]
XANDER: How come you're not with the Potentials?
BUFFY: I'm trying to write a new speech. Willow, have you come up with any good sound bites?
WILLOW: I'm trying! What about the two speeches I wrote for you yesterday?
BUFFY: They were good. But I need new material.
WILLOW: Maybe you should think of hiring a professional speechwriter. I'm all tapped out. Right now, everything I try to write turns into "we few, we band of sisters."
BUFFY: That's good.
WILLOW: It's also plagiarism. And wouldn't it be better if I used my time to research the First Evil or come up with protective magics?
BUFFY: Maybe later. Right now we need inspirational speeches to build unit cohesion.
ANYA: Willow's right. She should do magic. I could write your speeches. You've seen my stuff. It's very good.
BUFFY: It's also very graphic. "We shall wear our enemy's entrails as garlands and bathe in the blood of the damned?"
ANYA: Slaying is an inherently violent activity. G-Rated rhetoric won't prepare these girls for what they are going to face. But if you want something better I can always kidnap Peggy Noonan. That woman owes me big time. I cursed Mary Matalin for her.
WILLOW: How did you curse Mary Matalin?
ANYA: Made her think she was in love with that ugly James Carville guy. That one still makes me laugh. Like I said, Peggy can write the speeches, Willow can do the magic, Xander and I can do the research, and Buffy, you can train the newbies. I don't think it's a good idea for Spike to spend so much time alone with them.
XANDER: You know how he can get around Slayer blood. And they're not strong enough to stop him.
BUFFY: I trust Spike. And they really seem to like him.
ANYA: That's the problem. They all have huge crushes on him. Except for Kennedy, of course. The rest of them enjoy going hand-to-hand with him WAY too much. Then there are the ruses they use to get him to take off his shirt when he's training them. "Are you really cold blooded?" "Can we touch you and see for ourselves?" "Can we feel your heart not beating?" Spike's doing his best to keep the kitties at bay, but the whole thing's just this side of disturbing.
BUFFY: It's only a harmless crush. They're gonna have crushes on someone. Better Spike than Giles.
WILLOW: What do you mean better Spike than Giles? What's wrong with having a teenage crush on Giles?
XANDER: What about me? It's not unheard of for a girl to fall for the Xandman.
BUFFY: Xander, let's not get ridiculous.
[Dawn is alone in the kitchen doing math homework. phone rings. Dawn answers]
GILES: Hello Dawn. Is Buffy there?
DAWN: Right. Cause who'd want to talk to regular old unexceptional me.
GILES: This is not the time. Please put your sister on. And try to look on the bright side - at least you're not cannon fodder. That's a good thing.
DAWN: Guess you have to be cannon fodder to get any attention around her. Buffy! It's Giles!
BUFFY: Tell him I'll be right there!
DAWN: She'll be with you in one moment.
GILES: Is she still writing speeches? Please tell her to stop.
DAWN: We've tried. But you know how stubborn Buffy can be.
GILES: I blame myself. I'm the one who told her to inspire them with her words as well as her actions. I created a monster.
BUFFY: Hey Giles. Any news from LA?
GILES: More than you could possibly imagine. But for now I'll stick to the essentials. Cordelia is not a Slayer. But she is part demon. And she's phosphorescent. That's why the seer noticed her glowing. We probably have all the Potentials. Without any more Slayer signals to find, she honed in on Cordy because she has, well, glowed. It's very complicated, and entirely irrelevant and dilatory at this moment.
BUFFY: Cordy's a demon? There was always something inhuman about her. Guess now she really is Xander's type of woman.
GILES: You mean because he's a demon magnet? That's quite funny. However, I don't think Xander is exactly HER type anymore. Please don't ask me to explain. This I beg of you.
BUFFY: Okay, chill out. So how's Angel?
GILES: He's holding up surprisingly well, considering all he's been through. He's had it even tougher than you this past year.
BUFFY: Can't imagine how that's possible. I'd have to talk to him myself to believe that one.
GILES: I think that would just make things even tougher for him.
BUFFY: You mean because of what I did with Spike?
GILES: I didn't even consider that. I was thinking more of what he's – I'll just tell you this. While I was here, talking to Angel, it rained fire.
BUFFY: And by saying this you mean?
GILES: Fire fell from the sky. Either that or molten rock. I didn't go outside to check. It fell, like rain, for more than 10 minutes. Evidently this isn't the first time it's happened. Everyone else acted like this was an ordinary occurrence. Ordinary since something they call The Beast came to town.
BUFFY: What kind of beast?
GILES: It's just called The Beast.
BUFFY: That's lame.
GILES: I know. But it also appears to be frighteningly powerful. Like a devil incarnate, from the way they described him.
BUFFY: Would he be part of the First Evil?
GILES: Perhaps. But that doesn't make sense. If the First sent him, why isn't he in Sunnydale?
BUFFY: Maybe he's warming up. Like an out-of-town tryout.
GILES: Buffy he's a demon, not a Broadway musical. I'm thinking he's a diversion. RIght now, little is happening in Sunnydale. Then this Beast appears in Los Angeles. Perhaps the First figured that right now, while we're cooped up and waiting for the next big demon, this Beast might distract us.
BUFFY: So we're bored, Angel's got a problem with a monster wreaking all sorts of havoc, and we go help him kill it. Meanwhile, something truly dangerous comes out of the ground in Sunnydale when we're not around to stop it.
GILES: Precisely. It's a sham apocalypse. Angel certainly thinks it's real. I don't have the heart to tell him the real one's in Sunnydale. He likes to feel important.
BUFFY: Don't I know it.
GILES: Now that everything is sorted out here, I should be heading home pretty soon. How is everyone doing?
BUFFY: The Potentials are happy. Spike's been great for their morale.
GILES: Yes. I bet he has. [rolls his eyes] Just try to maintain discipline. [Molly, Rona and Vi come upstairs to pester Buffy]
VI: Excuse me, uh, Buffy, see, we were thinking, and we kind of wondered –
RONA: Are there boy slayers?
BUFFY: Giles, hold on. What?
MOLLY: Are there any boys our age who fight vampires?
BUFFY: No. Of course not. Can you girls wait one second? I'm talking to Giles.
MOLLY: Can we talk to him?
BUFFY: Giles, the girls want to talk to you.
GILES: By all means put them on.
MOLLY: Mr. Giles, we want to know if there are boys our age who fight vampires.
GILES: That's a . . . very interesting question. [looks inside. sees Connor] Why are you asking me this?
RONA: Let me explain. [takes phone] No offense, but this place is starting to look like a Lifetime movie. We're feeling isolated. We never go out to party or do anything except train. We know Buffy got to date. Why can't we?
VI: [takes phone] And we mean human guys. Our own age. Not like what Buffy does.
GILES: That's a relief. In a way. Obviously the problem is you would put any outsider you met in imminent danger.
MOLLY: [takes phone] That's why we're wondering if you know of any boys our age who already fight vampires. Then it's perfect.
GILES: [looks back inside at Connor] Too perfect. I'm sorry. There are no boy slayers.
MOLLY: Right. We know about the whole Girl Power thing. And that's cool.
RONA: [takes phone] But this is turning into the slumber party that never ends.
GILES: I understand if all of you are suffering from cabin fever by this point. But there is no such thing as a male Chosen One. It doesn't work that way. I'm sorry. Try to hang in there. I'll be back soon. [hangs up] Wesley! My God, what's happened to you?
RONA: I think he's lying to us.
MOLLY: Me too. It just doesn't make sense. There are vampires all over this town.
RONA: They attack people. People fight back. There's gotta be some other people out there who know what's up.
VI: And what about Buffy and her friends? They're not Slayers. Some of them aren't even powerful. But they help her. Why can't we have friends like that?
MOLLY: Giles and Buffy make it sound like being a Slayer is like being a bloody nun. Who are they kidding?
[Amanda, Kennedy and Spike are in the basement]
SPIKE: Ow! Stop staking me!
AMANDA: Relax. That wasn't anywhere near you heart. [stakes him again]
SPIKE: Ow!! That one was! You missed by an inch.
AMANDA: I know. I meant to miss. You heal fast, right? Lemme see the wounds I made, so I can watch how fast you heal. [smiles at him. Spike doesn't know Amanda's picking on him because she likes him.]
KENNEDY: Spiker - if I shoot this crossbow from back here, could you catch the bolt in your hand?
SPIKE: What would be the point of that?
KENNEDY: It would be an experiment. Testing vampire reflexes.
SPIKE: Sounds more like an attempt to kill me.
KENNEDY: If I wanted to kill you I'd shoot you in the back.
SPIKE: What have I ever done to you, Ken?
KENNEDY: Relax, Spiker. I'm just kiddin' with ya. I know if I dusted you Buffy would get mad and beat me up or punish me. Either way, it would suck to be me.
SPIKE: So you'd off me if Buffy didn't mind?
KENNEDY: Nah. You're fun to have around. You have those cool stories. So you were in New York in the late 70s. Did you kill anyone on the Upper East Side? What about at 82nd and Lex? That's the block where my parents lived back in the day. Maybe you saw them.
SPIKE: You want to know if I killed any of your neighbors? [Amanda punches Spike in the stomach] Bloody hell. What was that for?
AMANDA: I didn't hurt you, did I? [puts hand on Spike's stomach. he quickly backs up a few feet] Are you ticklish? I didn't know vampires were ticklish. I killed a vampire.
SPIKE: I know. You've mentioned that on more than one occasion.
AMANDA: His stomach wasn't hard and flat like yours. Do vampires work out? Or since you're dead are you just stuck with the body you had when you were sired?
SPIKE: You're a curious bird.
AMANDA: Can you tell me about how you killed the other Slayers? You seem to fight a lot of Slayers. I thought vampires would try to stay away from Slayers, to keep from getting killed. But you seek them out. Is it because you like fighting girls?
SPIKE: Sometimes I like biting girls who ask me too many questions.
AMANDA: You're funny. Do you fight them because you like them but you can't tell them? And then since Buffy was the one you couldn't kill you ended up telling her how you felt? I've found that sometimes it's like that with boys.
KENNEDY: Thanks for reminding me why I don't bother with them.