He was on top of her pressing his body and his lips to her. She squirmed beneath him. He was touching her. Kissing her. The office faded away. Nothing else mattered than the sight before me. My first thought was that it was intentional to hurt me. I only knew rage at that moment, but when she slapped him I knew something wasn't right. Then I saw pain and shock. She did not want me to find them like that. That bothers me. Why does she even care if I see them kiss? It hurts me to see it. Does she know that? Would she...? No I won't think about that. I don't what to go into possibilities. They ruin my control.
"I swear if you hurt her, in anyway, you won't know what hit you."
My words echo in my head. The office rumors are going to be numerous for that remark. After the other implications of jealousy and anger when Sara was hurt by the door, I imagine that I will be the talk of the office tomorrow. I can't believe I said them. I lost control and I think I stepped over a line. After all Sara and Hank's relationship is none of my business. Even though I had every right to throw him out, I had no right to say what I did. I jumped to conclusions. Maybe that is why she left. I let her leave. I began to approach my office when I heard them. I heard everything that jackass said to her. The whole office did. My feet moved me towards the doorway with the crowd. Sara sounded near tears in anger. My ears picked up every shout and scream, further enhancing the band across my chest.
They kissed. Apparently a very intense passionate kiss just the night before. He wanted sex, I was relieved to find out that she refused. But for that he hurt her. What if they did sleep together? Would I feel any different? That is beside the point, he had no right to do that to her; not in front of those she worked with everyday. Hell he had no right to say those things at all. Even though I could not see her face, I knew she was crushed when he said those mean things to her. Anyone would be. A part of Sara was stolen. I shudder at the thought that he did that to her. She put her trust in him and he hurt her. No one deserves that. No one hurts Sara.
Well I don't plan to let him hurt her anymore. She shouldn't be alone. I dropped the case to go after her. Something inside me told me to go and my feet obeyed. I was worried about her so I went without one drop of regret. I got it in my head that she actually needed me.
So I sit outside her apartment building with all these thoughts running through my head. My hands are sweaty and I can't get out of my car. My heart beats loudly. All that courage I had when I left the office seems to have drained away when the car reached its destination. That happens a lot. The overactive brain scares the heart into submission. I stare up at her window. What am I doing here? I should just leave her alone. I shouldn't be here. Surely she'll be at work tomorrow and I can talk to her then.
I look at my phone. I could call her. A simple phone call should have been my first choice to begin with but for once I acted on impulse, which I regret. I would rather talk to her over the phone anyway. I can control my voice but still be there for her. I can still be her friend without crossing any lines. If I go in there it is already out of character. Gil Grissom does not get involved in personal stuff. I'm not good at this damsel in distress shit. I can't be the gallant man that says all the right things at exactly the right moments. My timing is off and my words are wrong every time.
"From Grissom."
Real original on my part. Maybe I would have said something more meaningful if Catherine wasn't hovering like always. I guess her hovering saved me from peril though. Sara got the message and stayed. Then the hockey rink.
"Since when are you interested in beauty?"
"Since I met you."
A total slip on my part, but it was so natural when they fell out that I don't regret it for a moment. It was a simple fact which is why it never bothered me. I never had an eye for beauty until I met Sara Sidle. After I shocked her to silence, I did the only thing I could and ran. Honestly no matter how good it felt to say that, I was crossing a barrier and I got scared. That seems too long ago. When things were right and not wrong. Now things are wrong and I just know I'll say something that hurts her and I should have stayed away. I don't mean to hurt her, she is the last person I want to hurt, but it is my curse. I say things or do stupid things that have a tidal wave repercussions that I don't even understand.
Call her. A call is safer than seeing her. I quickly dial her number. I'll just ask if she is okay and let her know that I am here for her. Maybe give her a few days off work. It rings. And rings. But only the answering machine greets me but I don't leave a message. I want to talk to Sara not a machine. I close my phone.
I wait.
Try again.
Answering machine.
I wait.
Try again.
Answering machine.
I wait.
Try again.
Answering machine.
I wait one last time and try one more time.
Answering machine. I close my phone and drop it to the seat beside me. The keys dangle in the ignition. It is better this way. I am sure Nick or Catherine will soothe her. They are good with people and Sara needs someone to bring her out of her shell to talk about this. I am not the person to do that.
The keys sit waiting.
I can't go in there.
It's not me.
I am the last thing she needs.
I'll only confuse her.
I look at the keys.
Sadly I reach to turn the ignition.
It's better this way.
I'll see her tomorrow.
I'll call her when I get home. Maybe we can talk. Maybe.
I can't do this.
I can't leave or I would have gone already.
I pull the keys from the ignition and step out of the car. I run my clammy hands over my jacket before boldly walking towards the building.
Rules: No touching. Two feet at least between us at all times. No drinks or food. No smiling. No emotion except friendly concern. No sitting on sofa. In and out in ten minutes. That should be enough to say what I need to say and leave. Ten minutes and not a second over no matter what state she is in. I can do this. It is planned and in control. Ten minutes. No touching...I repeat my rules as I walk up the staircase to her apartment. I look at the door with dread but straighten my shoulders.
Under no circumstances can I let her break these rules.
That never stopped her before.
tbc...