Chapter 12
I get an ice pack for his head with nervous hands. I almost told him why I was crying, or worse I almost convinced myself I wanted him to leave. Both were very close calls. I don't think he could handle: "Well Grissom, I wasn't crying over that jerk I was crying over this other guy I am helplessly in love with. It just so happens the other guy is you." Or if I could handle a day at work knowing nothing came of our meeting because I kicked him out. None of that would go over too well.
I am not ready for him to leave but I'm not exactly anticipating talking to him. He may be just out of here for utter concern. I'm not ready to take a leap and tell him everything. I don't want to lose him before I have him. If I ever have him. Until then I'll accept normalcy and a friend again. With my kind of luck this is all just a dream or Grissom is suffering from dementia caused by my frying pan and never wanted to stay.
I walk back to the couch and hand him the blue ice pack. "Here ya go."
"Thanks." He takes it and applies it to the knot above his eyebrow. "You have a good swing Sara."
"Thank you." I say with a smile walking to the kitchen to prepare a salad. I pull out my various veggies and lettuce to begin chopping while he rests his head on the couch.
I cannot stop the sudden urge to watch him. Our knees grazed each other and I blew on his cut. Oh that was the wrong thing to do. I tried to convince myself it was pure and innocent, that I wanted to alleviate his pain, which was part of it, but for the most part I was only proving that I could be gentle. Weird huh? I was only interested in proving myself to him and connect with him on some level once again. That is not to say that my heart didn't skip a few beats. Half impulse and half compulsion lead to a touch or a contact zone. It happened before and it happened again. It seems I am incapable of not falling for Gil Grissom. A real sucker I know. I won't let him off the hook for intruding but this is a start.
His cut is deep and he should go to the hospital to get examined. He won't go though so I guess I'll have to keep a close eye on him.
"What are you making?" He asks standing and coming to me.
I realize I have been staring far too long to be considered safe and look away. "Salad."
"It is late for food."
"I haven't eaten all day."
"Oh."
I grab a knife and my first victim, a red tomato and hope he doesn't notice that I was idle for a long period of time. He also grabs a knife from the correct drawer and begins to chop the carrots.
"Are you okay Sara?" He asks hesitantly.
I shrug. "I suppose." It is true. I feel a lot better now. Not just because Grissom is here, but because I realized that Hank isn't worth crying over. I've had boyfriends before that mean nothing and he became just another previous boyfriend. Another failed attempt is more like it, but let's not go there.
He continues to chop very slowly as if something is bothering him. His slicing is precise. I watch his hands move away from the blade as it slices through the tender carrot. It must be the medicine I just took because I find his actions hypnotizing and find that I stopped.
"Sara?"
"Hmm." I raise an eyebrow but do not break my gaze from the cutting board until he touches my shoulder. I jerk away, scaring him in the process. I laugh softly at his reaction. He stands two feet away from me now with the knife up between us. "Sorry Gris, you...um scared me."
He seems to relax but I see the doubt in his eyes. "Maybe I should be going Sara."
Well I didn't see that coming. "You shouldn't be driving Grissom. You might have a concussion."
"I haven't shown the signs." He says matter-of-factly.
"The symptoms don't have to be immediate. You know that."
He nods in agreement. My eyes fall on the forming bruise on his forehead. The butterfly bandages are almost brown around the edges from blood, now dry, that escaped my treatment.
"I should really go Sara. I'll be fine."
Right. Go. Like always. Why not? "You can stay here. I mean it would be safer."
"I don't think that is a good idea. Thank you though." For someone ready to leave he doesn't move towards the door and I make no indication to see him out. I have to say something, he might be waiting for me to go first.
"I am sorry." If anyone asks why I just blurted that out, I think I'll blame it on the medicine.
"For what?"
I need him to know. "Hank. Us. I mean you and me. I...feel like I have lost your trust."
He looks at the floor.
"And my behavior in the lab today was inappropriate. I shouldn't have let personal stuff come to work. I am sorry you had to see that." I feel a little better but the silence is not welcomed. I want him to say something, anything. He opens his mouth then shuts it quickly. He really should go. I can tell he is uncomfortable. This isn't a picnic for me either. This dance we do is old yet it is impossible to memorize the steps.
"Um...well his behavior, not yours, was inappropriate." He says finally. He didn't mention my dishonesty. "Sara. I. He. Well I am glad you aren't with him anymore. If he can say those things to you without blinking he isn't good enough for you. You deserve so much more."
He did not mention my "secret" but he did make the lump in my throat harder to swallow. I blink hard before my brain can register what he said. I watch him closely, he is avoiding my stare but when he raises his head, I lock on only for a moment before dropping my own eyes to a spot on the floor. Here goes nothing. "Grissom why do you tell me that?"
"Why do I tell you what?"
"That I deserve better. How do you know what I need or deserve? Why do you keep saying that?" I finally stared into his blue eyes. That is what pushed me away to begin with.
"You do." He says meeting my eyes with warmth.
"So do you." I say softly.
He stops breathing long enough in duration to notice. He touches the hem of his black jacket. "Look I can't say it didn't bother me but I know why you lied."
So I guess this is my chance, right? "It wasn't lying at the time, but...but it did turn into a um something and I didn't want you or anyone else to know about him."
"Why?" His curiosity sounds genuine. Like he really wants to know why I kept Hank a secret. However his face is conveying disgust.
I answer wisely, not to hurt him but to make him understand. "The same reason you never told anyone about your date with a significant other."
Shock. Yeah well it shocked me too. It hurt a lot but shock was there first. When I found out I wanted to run. I wanted to take the day off to forget about it. I couldn't believe he was dating someone. It was so un-Grissom, just like dating was not me. We stay home and read for fun, not hang out or date. We're not good at that. I thought that since he was with someone then I could be with Hank without feeling guilty, but nothing helped. It only made it worse. Hank wasn't what I wanted and Grissom was dating another woman. I grasp for the railing but can't stop myself from falling down. I would never tell him but I was jealous. The green-eyed monster reared its ugly head every time someone mentioned Grissom's new girl. I still cringe. I wonder what she is like. How far are they in their relationship? Have they...?
"Would you have ever told me about him?" His voice is one of mutual contempt and pain. I know how he feels.
"Grissom I-I don't know." I feel shame creeping into my veins. I want to go lay down and never wake up. My head drops and my hair hides my eyes. This would have been easier if he just left. Why is he even still here?
tbc...