Chapter 13
It has been quiet, too quiet. I can't believe she knows about her. How? "Can I ask how you found out about my date?" I choke out finally.
She stands in front of me in her navy satin pajamas and her damp curly dark hair. "It. Um. It was an office joke."
My love life is a joke.
"Grissom, you know how the guys are. It..." She attempts desperately to redeem her answer.
How did she respond to the news I wonder. Sara isn't one to get jealous. Why would she be jealous? It's not like she didn't have Hank. She could never love me anyway. An old aged man with social difficulties and apparently my romance skills aren't that good either.
When she told me honestly that she might have kept Hank a secret, I was angry. But now I realize I was doing the same thing she was. It was no one's business, especially not Sara's, that I was seeing someone. I saw shame in her features. I pushed her away and she felt guilty. She felt ashamed that she wanted to be cared about. She thinks she was selfish. I was such an idiot. I made her feel that way then Hank hurt her. She was used and abused. I should be ashamed.
Besides I would hardly call her a significant other. My dates or 'engagements' were my own reach for love as I lost Sara. Her only purpose was to grant release from my problems but made things more difficult. I am not supposed to be dating anyone. Solitude is my way of life. So it became another comparison, and a realization that she was not Sara. Opposites are supposed to attract anyway. Well she is opposite of Sara in every way so much I value the release but regret it. I missed Sara. I still miss what we had. I can't help like feeling that I am treading on thin ice over a very deep cold lake. No one will hear my heart drowning.
Once again, it is too quiet for too long. I don't know what to say and evidently neither does she. Maybe she patiently awaits my departure. I really want to run, but... I don't know but it is suddenly very hard to leave. I am scared. I am embarrassed. I am crushed. I am in pain. However I do not end it. I do not run. I do not make an excuse. Why? Because I don't want to run anymore. Pushing, pulling, running is what caused the disarray to my orderly life at the start.
"So are we going to eat soon?" I ask. The last thing we need is to reflect on the dumbest choices of the pasted several months. Well it was the dumbest choice I ever made. I can't speak for Sara. Maybe she was happy with Hank until he hurt her. But right now she is with me. I didn't lose her.
Her delicate features comprehend my turn to change the subject. She nods but instead of reinitiating the salad she begins to ziplock the veggies and put them away.
"What are you doing? Aren't we going to have salad?"
"Let's have ice cream instead."
She opens the freezer and the cold air hits me. The only thing I can think about right now is her wet hair. She could get sick standing in the cold air.
"What flavor do you want? I have chocolate chunk mint and I have strawberry. The strawberry is kinda old though so you might have a death wish."
"Mint." I try a smile but it is too soon. I hope it comes back.
"Me too." She pulls out the carton and grabs two bowls from the overhead cabinet. "How many scoops?"
"Two." I say watching her. "Do you have syrup?"
"Yeah. On the side shelf in the fridge. Sprinkles should be in there too."
As she deposits two ample supplies of ice cream into one dish, I retrieve the decorations. She lightly pushes a large bowl to me to provide it with chocolate syrup and sprinkles.
"This isn't a very good supper." I point out as she retrieves the spoons.
"So you are my boss, colleague, and my nutritionist now?"
"You forgot friend."
She smiles ever so slightly. "No I didn't forget."
I half smile and want her to say more, but she just turns and makes her way into the dim living room without another word. She sits on her couch. I look at the back of her head then at my bowl of ice cream before working up the courage to sit with her.
I sit at opposite end careful not to touch her. It is too soon to go back to comfortable grazing of bodies. The mint flavor is strong but accents the chocolate chunks and syrup. It helps to stop the throbbing in my head long enough to enjoy my bowl of ice cream with Sara Sidle. "I haven't had mint ice cream since...well it's been awhile." I say after a big bite.
"You can't eat too much of it. It's only good when you are in the mood for it."
"Which is usually at summer birthday parties and late night snacks."
She smiles. It is the first I've seen in a long time. "I thought I was the only one."
"Well you're not alone Sara. Not with me around."
We empty our bowls just before the ice cream turns to a sickening sweet soup. I follow her gesture and place my empty bowl on the coffee table. She doesn't say anything. I resist the urge to look at my watch. I don't want her to think I want to leave. It is safe to say I have been here more than ten minutes though.
I could always find something to talk about. I read a few new articles last week that she might find stimulating. There is always work. Cases, techniques, evidence, and even funny stories I could share if I were brave enough. I don't know sitting here with her is different that sitting with her in the lounge or in my office. Such talk seems unfamiliar and unfitting now. Maybe it's because even those talks seem too long ago. I can't say I want this to end. I welcome the silence because it is shared with her.
The dim kitchen light hits the right side of her face illuminating the prominent bruising. I imagine I don't look much better.
"So..." She says playing with her hands.
"So."
She tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. I always wanted to do that for her. Wait. Where did that come from?
"Grissom, I don't know who she is but I am really glad you took your own advice to have a life."
Oh. What? Did she just say what I think she said? What do I say? She looks at me expecting something. I open my mouth but nothing comes. I can only say her name. "Sara."
"I shouldn't have put you on the spot. I'm sorry. It doesn't matter." She rises quickly and gathers the bowls. I watch her leave. I have to say something.
"Sara, I'm not with anyone. There was never anyone but you." No. No. No. No. "I mean there was never anyone but you and the team. You guys are my life." Nice recovery Gil. Way to go.
She stares at me. Something I cannot explain makes her look hurt and hopeful at the same time. I shouldn't have said that. It's not true. Well maybe a little. Some. Maybe. I don't know. I can't do this now. It's too much. "I should get going so you can get your rest." I stand and she speaks.
"Grissom, thank you."
I nod yet I am still unsure what I am being thanked for. "You are always welcome Sara. I'll see you tomorrow right?"
"Well actually, you'll see me tonight." She smiles again ever so slightly.
"Good." I follow her to the door. I step out reluctantly not wanting to go. "Thanks for the ice cream."
"You're welcome back anytime for my ice cream." She picks at the wood frame of the door. "Um...the next time you come by the spare key is under that window sill." She motions to the solitary window four feet away from her door out looking the street. "That way I don't give you another possible concussion."
I raise a weary eyebrow. "That is a safer idea for my sake but do you think you should leave a spare key in such an open place to begin with?"
She walks to the window and runs her hand along the bottom ledge to remove a shiny silver key. I watch her hold it out. "I want you to have it then. I guess I never really found anyone to give it to before now. It's just..." Her voice trails off as I take the key.
The key is warm from her hand if only for that brief moment.
"If I ever get locked out, I'll need you." She finishes.
I hope you need me anyway, I say but that isn't what comes out. "Shouldn't you give this to your neighbor?"
"She isn't exactly someone I trust, she is just the old lady across the hall."
For some reason, I remove my townhouse key from my key ring. It just feels right. "You can have mine. I can use my spare I have hidden to get in tonight but after that..."
She clutches the key and looks at her feet. I know how she feels. Trust seems to be restored and ready to be rebuilt. "Well goodnight Sara."
She looks up and again tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. "Goodnight Grissom."
She walks inside and I travel down the stairwell to my car. I can't help but feel better. Despite the logical reason behind our exchange of keys they seem to symbolize something so much more. I reach the car with a heavy heart that I had to leave, but a smile on my face as I pull her key onto my chain.
"Grissom!" My head shoots up to find Sara standing at the doorway. "Don't hesitate to use that key. I don't mind the company every now and again."
I cannot stop the smile as it takes residence on my face. It almost feels odd. Those words bring back so many memories as I stood at the airport on my way to Vegas after the first time I met her.
"If you ever need me, don't hesitate to call."
I shake away the precious memory. "You do the same Sara. Now get inside before you get sick."
She sheepishly looks away. "Okay. See you tonight."
"See you tonight Sara." I say as she disappears inside. I crawl in the Tahoe and put the keys in the ignition. Her key is right next to the ignition key. Perhaps I should begin to move forwards. It would be a nice change in direction. I don't expect things to go back to the way they were. After all of this it would seem too unfamiliar and tainted to go back to such a way of the past. The touches would seem forced or out of place. However for some reason it doesn't feel like starting over. It feels like the next level.
end.