Disclaimer: Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs all belong to J.K. Rowling. Lily too.
Go Back to Being Friends
Chapter Two: Denial
First Quarter
Sirius wandered out from his bedroom and collapsed into his favorite chair. The leather was soft, smooth, and the same dark, dark brown as black coffee. "Black coffee, black clothes, black hair, Black name, black reputation—Bad Boy Sirius Black doesn't get serious about anyone." He sighed as he rubbed the instep of a bare foot against the sharp edge of the coffee table.
"No hot date tonight?" Lily asked.
Sirius looked up at the sofa in surprise. He hadn't realized that Lily was here. She must have arrived while he was bathing and changing his clothes, and he had been too lost in his own world to notice her as he entered the room. James was sitting back against the corner of the sofa, arms wrapped around Lily's waist. Lily was sitting between his legs and leaning back against his chest. The notebook she used for organizing the wedding plans was in her lap, and she was holding—"What did she call it?"—a fountain pen. He was intruding.
"Oh God, I'm sorry, guys." Sirius started to get up. "You want to be alone."
"Sit, Padfoot." Lily commanded. "If we want to be alone, we'll go in James's room. I'm just surprised to see you staying home on a Friday night."
"Wasn't in the mood to go out tonight." Sirius settled back into his chair and ran his fingers through his damp hair, first fluffing it up and then smoothing it slightly.
"Stop showing off your perfect hair," James grumbled, but with amusement, not annoyance, in his voice.
Lily giggled. "I like your messy hair, James. It's sexy."
Sirius smiled as he watched Lily twist around to give James a quick kiss. "Congratulations, James. You fell in love with the one woman on the planet who thinks your hair is sexier than mine."
"No, not the only one," Lily said with an enigmatic smile as she resumed writing in her notebook, "just the only one you need to know about." James didn't take the bait. He obviously agreed with Lily that he didn't need to know who the others were.
"So, any other relatives you want to invite?" she asked James.
"Uncle Cole and Aunt Daphne. He's my dad's cousin. They always throw a Muggle breakfast cereal called 'Cheerios' at weddings instead of rice."
"Why?" she giggled.
"Well, they were on their way to a wedding once—"
Sirius tuned out the rest of the story and just watched James and Lily instead. They seemed to "fit" together, and he didn't just mean the way his being wrapped around her seemed the most natural thing in the world. They matched each other in some ways. Both were intelligent and enjoyed deep discussions on a wide variety of subjects. Both were caring and tended to put others' needs before their own. In other ways, they complemented each other. Whereas James could be single-minded and intense in his focus, Lily never lost sight of the larger picture. He was more adventurous; she was more cautious. Somehow, it all balanced out, and both their lives were the richer for it.
Sirius knew he wanted that, but, "Not yet. I'm only nineteen. Remus is only eighteen, for a few more months. We're too young to be planning the rest of our lives. Now is the time to just have fun, or as much fun as we can have with our world going to hell. And he deserves someone better than me, anyway."
"Why do Muggle brides wear white?" James asked. Sirius began to listen again. He had grown up in a primarily Muggle area, so he was more familiar with Muggle culture than James was, but Muggle wedding customs were a mystery to him.
"White symbolizes purity—a virgin bride," Lily said with a smile, "but with the exceptions of my Great-Aunt Letty and my sister Petunia, no one really expects the bride to be a virgin anymore."
"That's good," James said laughing. "I'd hate to be responsible for you not getting to wear your dream dress."
"My cousin wore white," Lily said giggling, "and she was six months pregnant." She curved her arm and pantomimed a large belly. "Besides, I'm going to wear ivory. It's close enough to white, but better with my coloring. And that's all you get to know about the dress until the wedding."
"Pregnant—a baby—oh, yes, James and Lily will make wonderful parents. The baby probably won't even learn how to cry; he'll be picked up and loved at the first hint of a whimper. Lily will sing him lullabies in that sweet voice—which occasionally wanders off the correct notes—and James will teach him how to fly, and I'll teach him how to pull all the pranks that James doesn't dare teach him, and Remus will—Remus would be a great dad. He's patient, and good at reading people, and considerate, and he knows how to do that 'Dad Look' that says, 'I love you but I'm very disappointed in what you did.' The look that makes you want to be a better person so you'll never see that look again. That's what Remus deserves." He watched Lily snuggle back against James as he trailed a hand up and down her arm. "He deserves a beautiful wife who understands him and loves him, a houseful of kids, and a loyal pet dog—not a horny, so-called best friend who takes advantage of him when he's lonely and vulnerable."
"I'm hungry," James said. "Anyone feel like cooking?"
"Not really," Lily answered. "I'm your guest, remember?"
Sirius shook his head. "Your turn, Prongs."
"Take away it is, then. Chinese? Indian? Fish and chips?" He disentangled himself from Lily and headed for the door.
"Indian," Lily replied, and Sirius nodded. James grabbed Sirius's black leather jacket as he opened the door.
"Looks better on me; the biker look doesn't work with the glasses," Sirius called after him. "I'm getting a beer, Lily. Do you want one?" He rose and went into the flat's tiny kitchen.
"All right."
He pulled two bottles out of a cabinet charmed to keep its contents cold, opened the bottle caps with a tap of his wand, and poured one into a glass. "I need a girl's opinion," he said. He handed Lily the glass and returned to his chair.
"Next girl I meet, I'll send your way." Lily grinned as she tucked her legs underneath herself and took a sip.
"Oh, excuse me. Miss Evans has reached the ripe old age of eighteen. O.K., I need a woman's opinion."
"Yes, you look better in your leather jacket than James does, but I'll deny saying it."
Sirius smiled at the joke but felt too tense to laugh. He sat leaning forward, elbows resting on his legs, and rolled the bottle between his palms. He stared down into the mouth of the bottle rather than look into Lily's green eyes. "Do you think I sleep around too much?"
"Define 'too much'."
"That's what I'm asking you to do." He raised the cold bottle to his lips and tipped his head back, letting a large swallow of beer pour down his throat. Then he returned to contemplating the bottle.
"Well, there are two ways I can answer that. One, if you're asking the question, the answer is probably 'yes'."
Sirius nodded. "And two?"
"As soon as someone gets hurt by it, it's too much."
Sirius groaned and dropped his head, resting his forehead on the cold circle of the bottle's mouth.
"I knew something was wrong. You've been too quiet lately." Lily sat on the arm of the chair and rubbed his back in comforting circles. "Anyone pregnant?"
Sirius laughed at that thought. "Remus—pregnant—don't think so."
"Did you break someone's heart?" Sirius nodded. "Anyone I know?"
"I'd rather not say." He sat back in the chair but still avoided Lily's eyes.
"Remus?" Now he looked up at her. He didn't mind that James had told her about them, but he was surprised that James had told her without mentioning the disastrous ending of that relationship.
"James told you?"
"No," she smiled, "despite rumors to the contrary, James does not tell me everything. Nor do I tell him everything. I figured you'd tell him yourself when you were ready."
"How did you find out? Did you see me kiss him or something?"
Lily began to giggle. "You forgot—" Her giggle burst into full-fledged laughter. "I had—" She was laughing too hard to catch her breath and began to turn red. When James came in carrying a large paper bag, Lily burst into a fresh peal of laughter and slipped off the arm of the chair.
"What did you do?" James accused as he dropped the bag and rushed to help Lily up.
"That's what I want to know," Sirius replied as they each grabbed one of Lily's hands and pulled her to her feet. Lily was still flushed, but seemed to have gotten her laughter down to a few giggles.
"It was a couple of months after you moved into the flat, and—" she cleared her throat as she suppressed another fit of giggles and retrieved dinner from the floor, "—and Remus and I both happened to spend the night. Well," she paused again, trying unsuccessfully to stop grinning, "I got up early the next morning because I had to pee." She opened the bag and started putting various containers on the coffee table. James fetched plates and forks while trying to keep her in sight. Sirius just sat on the arm of his chair and stared, wondering what they could have done that was so amusing. "Apparently, Remus and Sirius put a silencing charm on the walls of their room, but they forgot the wall that adjoins the bathroom."
"Oh God," Sirius began to chuckle. When he was with Remus, they both tended to get quite—vocal. He didn't dare look at James's reaction to Lily's being a witness.
"Anyway, you sounded like you were having a very good time, and—um—it was inspiring. I woke James up when I got back into bed." Her devilish grin caused both men to laugh.
"Thank you, Padfoot."
"You're quite welcome, Prongs."
Full MoonRemus paced back and forth through the center of the old barn, kicking at pieces of straw in his path. Peter sat nearby on a hay bale, huddled inside his cloak to stay warm.
"What time is it?" Remus asked sharply.
"Two minutes since the last time you asked me," Peter answered patiently. "They'll be here; they said they would."
Ordinarily, Remus would only be slightly nervous at this moment. He'd assume that James and Sirius would arrive before moonrise unless an unforeseeable catastrophe prevented it. However, tonight was not ordinary. Tonight was the first full moon since he had told Sirius that he wouldn't sleep with him anymore. He couldn't get rid of the nagging feeling that Sirius would not come, that he would have to endure tonight without Padfoot.
Remus imagined Sirius and James arguing about it at this very moment. Sirius, feeling rejected, needing to reject back. James telling him, "Stop being a prat and get your furry ass to that barn." Or Sirius wanting to come and to be supportive, but James giving him second thoughts, making him wonder if his presence might be too awkward while Remus was emotionally vulnerable
Remus knew that he was especially vulnerable tonight and tomorrow. As much as Remus craved Sirius, the wolf craved the presence of Padfoot. Padfoot was the only one who could stay close and help him through the horrific eternity that was the transformation. Prongs and Wormtail—a stag and a rat—prey animals. That the wolf could recognize them as pack mates was a miracle Remus couldn't understand. He was grateful that he could, but he knew that it was a miracle that only took place after the pain subsided and his mind cleared, as much as his mind could clear when the moon was full. Throughout the long night, Prongs and Wormtail would be welcome companions. Their presence could help keep loneliness at bay and could help preserve some of Remus's mind in the wolf. But Padfoot—the dog—canine, comforting, familiar, a true pack mate. Padfoot was the one Moony craved. Only Padfoot howled with him, mock-fought with him, hunted with him. Only Padfoot understood the wolf; Padfoot was the only one the wolf understood. And come morning, it would be first Padfoot, and then Sirius, who provided Remus's weary body with that familiar lifeline of warmth and touch. At least, that was the way it always had been, before. Remus knew it would be painful to have Sirius so close at the very moment his emotions were most primal and exposed, but it would be more painful not to have him there.
"I don't think they're coming. Strengthen the walls so you can lock me in."
Peter rose and pulled out his wand. "I'll do it, but only so you stop worrying. I still think they're coming." He started by charming the front door and proceeded clockwise around the barn.
"Do you have a way out?"
"At least three. Plenty of rat sized holes in the walls of this drafty old place."
That was one thing Remus knew he could count on. Peter always made sure that he had a way out in case the wolf took too long recognizing him.
Two quiet popping noises as James and Sirius suddenly appeared in the center of the barn. Remus had to stop short in his pacing rather than bump into James. He almost asked, "Where were you?" but bit it back and remained silent. Instead, he turned on his heel, walked to the back wall, and slouched against it, hands deep in his robe pockets.
"Be right back," James called cheerfully as he climbed into the hayloft, a duffle bag over his shoulder.
"Don't mind grumpy Remus," Peter told Sirius. "He just worked himself into a state thinking you two weren't coming."
"Of course we came, Remus," Sirius went to Remus and put his hands on his shoulders.
Remus forced himself to look directly into Sirius's icy blue eyes, "Sirius's eyes, Padfoot's eyes, just the same."
"Of course I came. Friends forever, right? I'll be here unless you tell me not to be."
All of the tension in Remus's body coalesced into a knot between his shoulders and an enormous lump in his throat. He swallowed with difficulty. "I'm sorry. I— You know how I get. Moon brings out my pessimistic side."
"No, it's my fault. We did cut it kind of close, didn't we?"
"I made up a bed for you in the loft with the hay and some blankets I brought," James explained as he climbed back down the ladder, "so you can rest here tomorrow before app—is everything all right?" Remus looked over Sirius's shoulder and saw James staring at him with a worried expression. He nodded and tried to smile.
Remus felt the familiar ache that warned him moonrise was imminent. If he didn't undress soon, his robe would be torn to shreds. However, for the first time since his friends had learned that he was a werewolf and he no longer had to hide his scars, he felt uncomfortable undressing in front of one of them.
"I'd better—" Remus began to pull off his shoes. Sirius released his shoulders and a moment later, Padfoot stood before Remus. He lay down facing away from Remus, his fluffy tail stroking back and forth across the top of his feet. "Thanks," Remus said quietly.
"Give me your robe and your shoes," James said as he strode toward them. "Is your wand in your pocket?"
"Um-hmm."
James pulled the wand out and tucked it into his own pocket for safekeeping, then he banished the robe and shoes into the loft. Remus then turned his back on James to brace his hands against the rough wood of the wall. He wanted to stay on his feet, stay human, as long as possible. All of his muscles were beginning to tense simultaneously, and he trembled slightly.
"Do you want one of the blankets?" James put a warm hand on Remus's shoulder.
Remus wanted to answer, "No," or "Go away," but his jaw was clenched too tightly. The trembling increased. Thoughts subsided. A warm furry mass brushed against the backs of his legs, and the warm hand fell away. Padfoot pushed the human away. Padfoot was here.
MorningRemus needed to bite but Padfoot's weight pressed down on his neck and shoulders, holding him down. The urge subsided, he stopped struggling, and the weight lifted. The warm fur stayed close; Padfoot lay down beside him. Remus curled toward him, grasping handfuls of black fur, breathing in the familiar scent, sobbing in relief. Relief that the pain was ebbing. Relief that Padfoot was there. There was a momentary sliding sensation in his hands, as silky fur became the woven fabric of a robe. Sirius turned slightly, toward Remus, so they now lay face to face. He wrapped strong arms around Remus's trembling body.
"Shh, Moony, it's all over. It's morning. It's all over. Shh, I'm here." Sirius's voice was low and quiet and warm. It washed over Remus and washed some of lingering ache away with it.
"Is he hurt? He's crying." Peter spoke from somewhere a few yards behind him.
"I don't think anything is broken or dislocated," James answered as he quickly ran hands over Remus's arms, legs, ribs. A warm cloak, deeply scented with the slightly musky scent of a stag, covered Remus, shielding him from the winter air but not the frozen ground.
Sirius's voice continued in a low comforting murmur as Remus struggled to regain control and slowed his crying to a few broken sobs.
"The barn isn't far. We got as close as you were willing to go," James explained. Do you want to walk Remus? I can conjure a stretcher if not."
"No, I'll carry him, James," Sirius answered. "Just help us get up."
"Are you sure?"
Sirius laughed. "I think you'll have to break his fingers to get him to let go of my robe. You don't want us to break your fingers, do you, Remus?"
Remus shook his head and buried his wet face in the folds of fabric near Sirius's neck. He breathed in deeply; the scent was dizzying. "Padfoot. Sirius." With a great effort of will, he pulled his head away from the robe so his voice wouldn't be muffled. "I'll walk," he croaked. His throat hurt. "I'll walk, just hold onto me."
"What's wrong?" Peter's voice was closer this time and very worried.
"He had a rough night, that's all," Sirius answered as pulled away slightly and tried to get to his feet. Remus reluctantly let go with one hand as James grasped one of his arms and assisted him up.
The barn was only a dozen yards away, a dozen more to walk around to the front door. Sirius kept one arm around Remus the entire way. James stayed close enough to assist should he stumble. It was only when they reached the base of the ladder that Remus realized his fist was still tightly clutching a fold of Sirius's robe. He stared at his fist for a moment and then looked at the amused expression on Sirius's face.
"Do you want to break my fingers, or shall I?"
Sirius chuckled. "Never knew you were part Grindylow, Moony. Are you O.K. to climb?"
Remus nodded. He was tired, but not injured. He could handle the short climb. Sirius climbed just a few steps behind, his arms on either side of Remus, ready to support him if he should slip. Remus crawled across the loose straw to the blankets James had thoughtfully arranged. The improvised bed was soft enough—although he was so tired that he could probably sleep soundly on bare rock—but it was cold. He had walked to the barn barefoot and wearing only a loose cloak. The mid-winter chill had thoroughly penetrated his flesh and taken residence in his bones. He pulled the cloak more tightly around himself as he curled into a fetal position between the wool blankets. His body trembled as it fought to drive the chill out.
"You're freezing," Sirius said as he slipped between the blankets and curved to fit against Remus's back and legs, to bring as much of his own warmth into contact with Remus as he could. Two jigsaw puzzle pieces fitting together perfectly. "Just until you warm up a bit. This is O.K., isn't it?"
"Yes," Remus whispered hoarsely. "Oh God, yes. It's perfect." Sirius's arm lay heavy and strong around Remus's chest, making him feel protected and safe. Remus slipped his own hand partially up Sirius's sleeve and absently stroked the soft fur of his lower arm. Even through their clothes, he could feel Sirius's strongly muscled chest and flat stomach press against his back with each breath. And lower… "I could rub back against him, just a little bit. Or more. I know he'd respond. I could feel him pressed against me just one more time." He breathed in deeply , drowning himself in Sirius's scent. "I could tell him that I was wrong. Tell him that I need to feel him inside me. Tell him that I need him. Tell him that he's everything to me." He pressed himself deeper into Sirius's arms as if seeking warmth. "He doesn't want to be everything to you! He wants to be your friend. You'll lose him if you need too much."
"No," Remus whispered as pulled away from Sirius. "No, it's too good, Sirius. Please go."
"All right, Moony. Get some rest." Sirius rolled out of the blankets and sat back on his heels. "It's not fair," he thought as he watched Remus shiver alone in his cold bed. "I've been helping him warm up on cold mornings after the full moon since long before we became lovers. And now I can't even do this for him anymore. Yet another thing I screwed up. Of course, I used to spend more of the morning as a dog than as a human. Didn't want him to think I was a poof." Sirius almost smiled at the thought of his younger self. "Remus, would a big, warm dog be O.K.?"
Remus hesitated for a moment before answering, "Not today." He turned his face deeper into the lower blanket, away from Sirius's gaze.
James spoke from the ladder. "Just put a warming charm on the blankets, you idiot, and let Remus sleep." His tone was more sympathetic to Sirius's dilemma than his words.
"I am an idiot." A warming charm was the obvious solution, but it hadn't even occurred to him. "Here I am justifying getting into bed with him instead of thinking about what he needs." Sirius charmed the blankets and followed James down the ladder.
Peter was blowing on his hands to warm them as he waited below. "Are you and Remus fighting or something?" he asked as Sirius stepped off the ladder. "I've never seen him bite you so much before."
"He didn't bite me," Sirius growled angrily.
Peter raised his eyebrows in a look that clearly said, "That's not what I saw." Then he shrugged. "Whatever you say. I'm just glad it wasn't me. Can one of you stay until he wakes up?"
"I can," James and Sirius said simultaneously.
"Good. I only took off half a day from work, and I'd love to go home for a few hours of sleep before work this afternoon."
"See you later, Peter," James said as Peter gave them both a wave and disapparated.
Sirius stalked to the corner farthest from Remus, sank down onto a hay bale, and leaned back against another. He watched James transfigure a loose pile of hay into a pair of pale yellow blankets. James dropped one on Sirius's lap as he found his own comfortable spot beside his friend.
"You should go home and sleep yourself," Sirius said. "In case you've forgotten, tomorrow is St. Valentine's Day, and I have a feeling that Lily will be very insulted if you fall asleep during your date."
James merely adjusted his own blanket, settling in. "I'll be fine."
"You don't need to chaperone us, you know," Sirius said in annoyance. "I'm an idiot, but I'm not a heel."
"I know."
They sat in silence for several minutes. Sirius examined the blanket rather than speak to James. "Light in weight, but insulates well—just like straw. Fibers every which way—like the straw. Still slightly scratchy. O.K., not scratchy, but not soft either." He sniffed the edge. "Still smells like hay." "McGonagall would only give partial marks for this blanket, Jamie."
"You want a better one, do it yourself."
He looked up at James and smiled. "No, I like it. Thanks." Both knew that Sirius was thanking James for more than just the blanket.
"Anytime, Padfoot." James smiled back. "Do you need any cuts or scrapes healed? Lies to Peter aside, Moony did bite you quite often last night."
"He wasn't biting me!" Sirius insisted. He kept his voice low so he wouldn't wake Remus. "He just nipped at my fur."
"And the difference is?"
"He wasn't trying to hurt me; he was just—herding me, directing me where to go. Anyway, he stopped as soon as I got the message."
"Which was?"
"Stay close." Sirius looked guiltily at the wall where he and Remus had spoken the evening before. "He got really worried when we were late last night. He thought we weren't coming; he thought I wasn't coming. That's why he didn't want me out of sight last night."
James nodded in understanding and then closed his eyes. "He's terrified he'll lose you as a friend. I guess it's only natural we'd see it in both personas." He yawned and seemed ready to fall asleep. Then he opened one eye, reminding Sirius of his owl trying to decide if a disturbance was worth waking fully. "You said he stopped biting you—excuse me—nipping you once you started staying close?"
"Yeah."
James opened his other eye as well. "But I saw him bite your face a couple of times this morning."
Sirius waved a hand dismissively. "That's just a dominance thing."
"Dominance?" James asked with
slightly amused look.
"The alpha wolf holds—never mind. It's the wolf way of saying, 'You're mine.' He always does it, usually just after he changes. He just did it more than usual last night. You really should read that book on wolf behavior, James."
James stared at Sirius during this explanation, eyes blinking behind his glasses. "An owl, definitely," Sirius thought
"It means, 'You're mine,' he does it every month, and you needed me to tell you that he's in love with you?" James's tone was incredulous, and Sirius found it very irritating.
"It doesn't mean, 'You're mine,' that way. It means that I'm part of his pack." Sirius shifted uncomfortably, guiltily, on the hay. "I know I've been a complete idiot in figuring out what the human Remus is feeling, but give me credit for understanding the wolf. Once a month, Moony doesn't hide his feelings."
Sirius closed his eyes and tried to relax enough to rest. He knew that James had magically locked the barn door, so should the farmer come to fetch some hay, they would have plenty of time to hide in the hay loft or wake Remus and apparate away. After a few moments, James spoke again.
"Dominance, huh?"
"Yes," Sirius said slowly.
"And Moony's the alpha. You've told me that before."
"Your point, James?" Sirius asked, although he suspected where the conversation was leading.
James began to chuckle. "Can I draw any conclusions about your sex life from this?"
"A, former sex life, and B, you said that you didn't want details."
Author's Note: Dedicated to the memory of Uncle Coul and Aunt Daphne, who really did throw Cheerios at my wedding.
- Posted February 2003