The Hardest Thing
Part Two - Vaughn's POV
I keep reminding myself to take deep breaths, as I am about to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do. This isn't the way I imagined Sydney Bristow and I to meet after the destruction of the Alliance. The end of SD- 6 was supposed to mark the beginning for us. A new beginning, in which we didn't have to ignore or hide our love for each other. I was not expecting this. It never even occurred in my mind that it had to end.
The last few months have been wonderful. Ever since I found out that my feelings were returned, I have been the happiest man alive. Sure, I was getting tired of not being able to take her out for dinner or kiss her in the park or introduce her to my mother, but those wishes didn't seem to matter because we were together. Despite not being able to show the world, all that was important was that we knew. Now was our chance to have more. At least I thought it was finally our chance. How could I have been so wrong? I am about to walk into our warehouse and kill that chance. I know that when we leave the warehouse and separate today, both of us will have left a part of our souls behind to be lost forever.
I suddenly stop at the door. My hands are shaking. I can't do this. I don't want to do this. Break her heart. But I know I have to. I contemplate turning around and leaving right this instant. But then I know she will come looking for me. She isn't one to give up without a fight. I can't leave this warehouse until I know one hundred percent that she has given up. In slow strides, I walk in.
My breath almost catches as I see her in a spring dress. She just seems to light up the whole dark warehouse. No, she makes the whole warehouse disappear. The black walls seem to be replaced by ocean tides. I can just picture her standing as she is on the beach with the wind through her hair. I blink twice to push aside the image and bring myself back to reality. I wonder why she chose not to wear a suit She does look amazing in that light blue flowing dress. I remember her saying once that when we were together, that whenever SD-6 was gone, she'd burn every single matching suit she owned. " When the day comes, I want never to have to wear suits in front of you again. No more reminders of being professional," she had said. Did she wear it for me? Hoping that I'd notice?
I carry the stack of papers from the office and set it quietly on the table. All the while, I never take my gaze away from her perfect figure. If I don't use every second to admire her right now, I will never have a chance to. Even though I want desperately to see her beautiful face, I can't help but hope she would just stay with her back turned a little longer. So I can just look a little longer. She senses my unwavering stare and spins around quickly.
She is full of smiles. Her eyes are sparkling and she is glowing all over. I didn't realize how much I had missed her these few days of nothing but paper work. Why does she have to be so God damn gorgeous? If only you were hideous Sydney Bristow. If even she was, everything else about her would make it not matter. Her smile is contagious. I feel the edges of my mouth curling unconsciously. Then I think about what will transpire between us, and my smile fades. I can't move anymore. My legs feel as if they are glued to the floor. In a way, this is good I guess. If I can't move over to her, I will be able to control the urge to take her into my arms.
She doesn't move either giving me a raised eyebrow in a playful manner. As if in slow motion, she takes a step closer. Then another. No, stop right there Sydney. Don't come any closer, I won't be able to take it. As her legs move faster and faster closing the gap between us, my body gets increasingly stiff. Before I could do anything, she flings her arms around my neck. I close my eyes and take in her scent while I try to keep from moving. She holds on tighter and all I want to do is collapse in her arms. I open my eyes and try to concentrate on a crack in the wall. This will help me remain unaffected by her closeness. Her grip relaxes a little and I hear her soft voice whisper, " What's wrong?"
Everything Sydney. I want to tell you, but I can't. I have to push her away. I move my arms up and reach behind to grab her wrists. I slowly remove her arms.
" Vaughn . . ." she questions slowly. God, why does she have to call my name? No matter how she says it, angrily, passionately, sincerely, my name has never sounded better coming from anyone else's lips. We're too close. I need to take a step back.
" What's going on?" she asks. I hear the crack in her voice and see the uncertainty in her eyes. Her eyes . . .deep, brown, and soulful.
I can't look at them. I quickly jerk my head down to stare at the floor. I can't keep dodging all her questions. How do I keep this about business? If she sees that I am all about business, maybe she'll believe that it was nothing more. I let a deep sigh as if preparing myself with the words that will be coming out of my mouth.
" Agent Bristow . . ." I force myself to say. It seems so unnatural. I have called her Agent Bristow once, the first day we met. Then it became Sydney. Then it was Syd. Then Sweetie. Honey. Baby. She was not Agent Bristow. Agent Bristow was reserved for her father. But I even call her father by his first name: Jack. " All the files have been compl . . ."
" What did you call me?" she interrupts with wide eyes. I guess she wouldn't buy it anyway. Oh well, I still have to play this game.
" I said Agent Bristow." I try again.
She shakes her head from side to side. She isn't going to let me get away with trying to be distant. " I heard you. I want to know why you are calling me that."
" It is your name," I say harshly. I hope this harsh tone will work.
" Not to you. Maybe to Devlin or Kendell. But not to you." I know. You don't have to convince me Syd. I know. But I have to convince you of the opposite.
" That's where you're wrong. You should have always been just Agent Bristow to me. There is standard protocol." I am a hypocrite. I usually try to take company protocol seriously, but I would gladly screw protocol for her. And I have many times.
" Don't you think it's a little too late for that?"
" It's never too late." I say coolly. It's not too late for you. I want to you be able to walk away from me.
" Vaughn . . .I don't know what you're doing. But stop it. You're scaring me," she takes a step closer. I take another step back. Like a dance. I'm sorry Sydney. I can't stand lying to you, but it's too late for me to back down now.
" I just came here to tell you that all the papers have been prepared and ready for your signing," I say returning to business. Let's keep this about business, and we'll both be okay.
" I don't want to know why you are here for business. I want to know why you are acting this way. Like you don't even know me," she says with resentment.
" Maybe I finally realized that I don't know you. And you don't know me either." Every word out of my mouth comes back to punch me in the stomach. I can't even lie to strangers. I don't know how I am not letting her see right through me.
" After all we shared? . . .we still don't know each other?" she says skeptically. She is not stupid. She's going to see through me. I need a new tactic. There is no way we can stay on the topic of business. If I try to make her think she never really loved me . . .
" That's right. You may think you know. But you really don't. How much do you think we shared?" I almost couldn't control myself and let my voice waver. Questioning her feelings is like questioning her integrity.
" Everything!" she shouts and I am a little startled.
" I shared with you . . .my worries, my fears, my hopes, my mind, . . ." I hear her uncontrolled sobs as she lists. She has shared everything. She let me in like no one else. " my heart . . ." I close my eyes to squeeze the forming tear away. "my body . . ." Oh stop it Syd. Images of her beautiful curves invade my mind. "my love . . ." no more Syd. Stop listing. I can't take it. I can't look up. If I do, I will perish right this instant. Her words sting at my heart. The truth does hurt.
" Vaughn . . ." she says with a shaky voice. " You can't tell me I'm making those things up," she chokes on a tear.
I feel like shit. I don't deserve you Syd. My mind is still bombarded with her words. All she gave to me. All that I took from her only to throw it back in her face. She does love me and she knows it. Trying to convince her she doesn't would be pointless. What am I going to do? She is sure of her feelings. She can speak for herself. She can't speak for me though. After a long silence, I answer in a calm voice. " Maybe you think you feel that way. But you don't really know that I feel the same way."
" I know!" she says as a matter of factly. The way she sounded so sure makes me feel worse.
" I know you love me." I do.
" Maybe I don't." I spit out too quickly that it can't be the truth.
" You do." Yes! She has so much faith in me and I have to kill that faith. Make her turn that love into hate.
" How can you be so sure?" It's a lame attempt, but I must.
" Because you told me. Many times. Many places. Here in fact. Against that table," She points to the desk in the corner. I see images of us. I can feel her below me. No, I shake my head. Don't remind me. " And over there," She spins around gesturing to the fenced walls. I remember the feeling of her pressing my back against the fence. "There is no way you could have been lying. It was real." Images flash constantly. I feel my body getting hot all over. I need to breathe. "I was there when you called out my name with desire and passion . . ." I can hear my own voice calling her. Snap out of it Vaughn!
" Desire! That's right. You said it." I cry out to speak above the voices in my head. Our voices. The words I whispered in her ears. Her moans. Don't go there you idiot! "That's not the same as love," I let out cowardly.
" But then you held me afterwards. When all the heat subsided. What was left?" Don't ask me to answer that. I remember what it feels like to have her bare body resting against mine. I loved that feeling afterwards. Everything was perfect. We felt connected. Like all the spy stuff didn't matter. I knew she felt safe in my arms. And I liked the feeling of protecting her. I would never think to hurt her like this. Forgive me Sydney for what's next. It is the only way.
" I am a man Sydney. I do have needs." I say slowly. I bite my lower lip to feel the pain I know she feels.
" And you couldn't get it anywhere else?" she says through clenched teeth. I think I'm getting through. She is changing. I am slowly shredding all the hopes she had for us.
Just push it a little more. " I didn't need to. When you made it so easy."
Before I could hear my own words, I feel the force of her hand slap across my face. It burns. Thank you. I was beginning to think I couldn't feel anything anymore. I want her to hit me again. For every hurtful word I said. I can hear her silent tears as she stares at me.
" Why are you doing this?" she asks in a pleading voice. Why am I lying to you? Because I have to make you think I don't love you. So you can leave me. Why am I hurting you? Because you leave me no choice.
" Sometimes the truth hurts."
" That's not the truth. You're lying."
" I'm not." Why do you have to make this so hard?
" Yes you are. why?. You can't say you don't love me. I DARE you to say you don't love me." she folds her arms across her chest. Please Sydney. I beg you. Don't make this any harder. My eyes are now boring holes in the ground. Don't make me say it Syd. Please. I plead back.
Then slowly I open my dry mouth. " I don't love . . ." I can't say it. I love you so much and that's why I'm doing this. I feel like giving up. I thought loving you when I shouldn't was so hard. This is ten times worse. It's killing me to have to lie.
" You coward" I hear through the streaming tears. " You coward. You can't even look at me when you say it." I can't. I sink my head further down. Down. " Look at me!" she yells and I feel my heart pounding in my chest. " And tell me that. Look into my eyes." She demands. I am a coward. I can't bring my face to look at hers. I can't look at her hurt face and I know I was the cause.
I slowly bring my face up. My heart stops. Her eyes are busy. They are searching for the man she loves. I'm here Sydney. It's still me. You just can't know that. Her eyes are so powerful I feel weak in my legs. As desperately as I try, I know she's going to break me. I must look away. Her eyes won't let go of their penetration. She dares me to say it. To say I don't love her. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. " I ." I swallow down the lump.
But before I could utter another word, she is immediately in my face. Her arms go at me. Pounding. Grabbing. Hitting. I have never seen her like this. Like a mad woman. Yes Syd. Let it all out. Hit me. HIT ME! Let me feel your pain. Cry out if you want. And she does. Through her sobs, she lets out all her confusion. " Why?? Why are you doing this? You must love me. In everything you do. Why let me call you in the middle of the night? Why risk your life for me? Why help me and almost drown in Taipei? Why come to SD-6 to save them from Cole? Why help my mother.the one who killed your father?" I feel her tears through my shirt. The cold tears awaken me. They burn right through my shirt and sting my skin. I shut my eyes tightly together. Trying to block out all her words. All the reminders of why I love her. She continues, " why? Why sneak around? Why make promises? Why do all those things if you don't love me?" I want to just wrap my arms around. It would be so easy to just hold her like all the times before. No . . .It'll be better for her if this ends now. I suddenly grab her wrists. Return to normal Syd. I give her a shake.
It's over.
" I may have loved you at one time." I have to let you go.
" Now it's different . . .now we can finally be free to be together and you don't feel that way anymore?" she asks still hopeful. I felt the same way Syd. I thought it WAS finally our time. But I was wrong.
" Yes. I was stupid. I was captured by the thrill of sneaking around. The excitement of never being caught. But now, without that aspect.you have lost your appeal." The lies are flowing out now as long as I keep reminding myself why I am doing this. It's all for her.
" I've now found someone . . ." This has to make her believe it's over. "And she satisfies me in . . .every . . .way. She's always been there. She knows me. The real me." My mouth continues while my head is denying everything. Because there is no one. I will never find anyone like you. No one compares Syd. I will never love anyone else.
" Stop! STOP!" she cover her ears and shakes her head furiously. " Just tell me.so, all this time. All this time I thought I loved you and you loved me.it was all a lie? I was nothing to you except some cheap thrill? You used me??"
" I had to make you think I loved you. Why else would you work so hard to bring down SD-6? The better you performed out in the field, the better praise I got back in the office. You weren't just a thrill. You served me in other ways too." This is it. This has to work. Pretending to be professional didn't work. I couldn't convince her that she didn't love me. Telling her I didn't love her wasn't working. Making up a false woman hasn't turned down her hopes. But this is going to work. Sydney Bristow hates being used. She looks back at me. Emotionless. She's finally given up.
She walks to the desk with the files on top. What is she doing? I simply watch. It is like an eerie déjà vu. The first day we met. I was standing watching her as she wrote her statement. That day, I knew I would never be the same. But this time, instead of being the beginning. It is the end.
She stands up with the papers. And lets it all go. The papers fly up and then sink back down at my feet.
" There are your signed papers agent Vaughn. I'm done with the CIA and everyone in it. I don't know how I could have been so blinded by you. There must have been moments of truth, but I don't care anymore. Why should I care about someone who I hate? You're right. I don't know you at all." All that's left is sadness.
The warehouse echoes of her clicking heels. Sydney Bristow just walked out of my life. I will never see her again. The realization hits. She's gone. I turn around and stare the fenced walls. My hands stiffen in a fist. Then repeatedly, I smash it against the wall. Once. Twice. Did it have to end like this? Three times. You said you would never hurt her. Four. Five. Over and over. I want to scream. Harder and harder I punch. Then I stop and hang my head. I watch as the red blood drips from my knuckles and on to the papers on the floor.
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry
I can't let you see
What you mean to me
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you
I know that we'll meet again
Fate has a place and time
So you can get on with your life
I've got to be cruel to be kind
Like Dr.Zhivago
All my love I'll be sending
And you will never know
Cause there can be no happy ending.
A/N: The lyrics are from "The Hardest Thing" by 98 degrees. The song is where I got the idea for this fanfic. The rest of the fic will be in third person.
Part Two - Vaughn's POV
I keep reminding myself to take deep breaths, as I am about to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do. This isn't the way I imagined Sydney Bristow and I to meet after the destruction of the Alliance. The end of SD- 6 was supposed to mark the beginning for us. A new beginning, in which we didn't have to ignore or hide our love for each other. I was not expecting this. It never even occurred in my mind that it had to end.
The last few months have been wonderful. Ever since I found out that my feelings were returned, I have been the happiest man alive. Sure, I was getting tired of not being able to take her out for dinner or kiss her in the park or introduce her to my mother, but those wishes didn't seem to matter because we were together. Despite not being able to show the world, all that was important was that we knew. Now was our chance to have more. At least I thought it was finally our chance. How could I have been so wrong? I am about to walk into our warehouse and kill that chance. I know that when we leave the warehouse and separate today, both of us will have left a part of our souls behind to be lost forever.
I suddenly stop at the door. My hands are shaking. I can't do this. I don't want to do this. Break her heart. But I know I have to. I contemplate turning around and leaving right this instant. But then I know she will come looking for me. She isn't one to give up without a fight. I can't leave this warehouse until I know one hundred percent that she has given up. In slow strides, I walk in.
My breath almost catches as I see her in a spring dress. She just seems to light up the whole dark warehouse. No, she makes the whole warehouse disappear. The black walls seem to be replaced by ocean tides. I can just picture her standing as she is on the beach with the wind through her hair. I blink twice to push aside the image and bring myself back to reality. I wonder why she chose not to wear a suit She does look amazing in that light blue flowing dress. I remember her saying once that when we were together, that whenever SD-6 was gone, she'd burn every single matching suit she owned. " When the day comes, I want never to have to wear suits in front of you again. No more reminders of being professional," she had said. Did she wear it for me? Hoping that I'd notice?
I carry the stack of papers from the office and set it quietly on the table. All the while, I never take my gaze away from her perfect figure. If I don't use every second to admire her right now, I will never have a chance to. Even though I want desperately to see her beautiful face, I can't help but hope she would just stay with her back turned a little longer. So I can just look a little longer. She senses my unwavering stare and spins around quickly.
She is full of smiles. Her eyes are sparkling and she is glowing all over. I didn't realize how much I had missed her these few days of nothing but paper work. Why does she have to be so God damn gorgeous? If only you were hideous Sydney Bristow. If even she was, everything else about her would make it not matter. Her smile is contagious. I feel the edges of my mouth curling unconsciously. Then I think about what will transpire between us, and my smile fades. I can't move anymore. My legs feel as if they are glued to the floor. In a way, this is good I guess. If I can't move over to her, I will be able to control the urge to take her into my arms.
She doesn't move either giving me a raised eyebrow in a playful manner. As if in slow motion, she takes a step closer. Then another. No, stop right there Sydney. Don't come any closer, I won't be able to take it. As her legs move faster and faster closing the gap between us, my body gets increasingly stiff. Before I could do anything, she flings her arms around my neck. I close my eyes and take in her scent while I try to keep from moving. She holds on tighter and all I want to do is collapse in her arms. I open my eyes and try to concentrate on a crack in the wall. This will help me remain unaffected by her closeness. Her grip relaxes a little and I hear her soft voice whisper, " What's wrong?"
Everything Sydney. I want to tell you, but I can't. I have to push her away. I move my arms up and reach behind to grab her wrists. I slowly remove her arms.
" Vaughn . . ." she questions slowly. God, why does she have to call my name? No matter how she says it, angrily, passionately, sincerely, my name has never sounded better coming from anyone else's lips. We're too close. I need to take a step back.
" What's going on?" she asks. I hear the crack in her voice and see the uncertainty in her eyes. Her eyes . . .deep, brown, and soulful.
I can't look at them. I quickly jerk my head down to stare at the floor. I can't keep dodging all her questions. How do I keep this about business? If she sees that I am all about business, maybe she'll believe that it was nothing more. I let a deep sigh as if preparing myself with the words that will be coming out of my mouth.
" Agent Bristow . . ." I force myself to say. It seems so unnatural. I have called her Agent Bristow once, the first day we met. Then it became Sydney. Then it was Syd. Then Sweetie. Honey. Baby. She was not Agent Bristow. Agent Bristow was reserved for her father. But I even call her father by his first name: Jack. " All the files have been compl . . ."
" What did you call me?" she interrupts with wide eyes. I guess she wouldn't buy it anyway. Oh well, I still have to play this game.
" I said Agent Bristow." I try again.
She shakes her head from side to side. She isn't going to let me get away with trying to be distant. " I heard you. I want to know why you are calling me that."
" It is your name," I say harshly. I hope this harsh tone will work.
" Not to you. Maybe to Devlin or Kendell. But not to you." I know. You don't have to convince me Syd. I know. But I have to convince you of the opposite.
" That's where you're wrong. You should have always been just Agent Bristow to me. There is standard protocol." I am a hypocrite. I usually try to take company protocol seriously, but I would gladly screw protocol for her. And I have many times.
" Don't you think it's a little too late for that?"
" It's never too late." I say coolly. It's not too late for you. I want to you be able to walk away from me.
" Vaughn . . .I don't know what you're doing. But stop it. You're scaring me," she takes a step closer. I take another step back. Like a dance. I'm sorry Sydney. I can't stand lying to you, but it's too late for me to back down now.
" I just came here to tell you that all the papers have been prepared and ready for your signing," I say returning to business. Let's keep this about business, and we'll both be okay.
" I don't want to know why you are here for business. I want to know why you are acting this way. Like you don't even know me," she says with resentment.
" Maybe I finally realized that I don't know you. And you don't know me either." Every word out of my mouth comes back to punch me in the stomach. I can't even lie to strangers. I don't know how I am not letting her see right through me.
" After all we shared? . . .we still don't know each other?" she says skeptically. She is not stupid. She's going to see through me. I need a new tactic. There is no way we can stay on the topic of business. If I try to make her think she never really loved me . . .
" That's right. You may think you know. But you really don't. How much do you think we shared?" I almost couldn't control myself and let my voice waver. Questioning her feelings is like questioning her integrity.
" Everything!" she shouts and I am a little startled.
" I shared with you . . .my worries, my fears, my hopes, my mind, . . ." I hear her uncontrolled sobs as she lists. She has shared everything. She let me in like no one else. " my heart . . ." I close my eyes to squeeze the forming tear away. "my body . . ." Oh stop it Syd. Images of her beautiful curves invade my mind. "my love . . ." no more Syd. Stop listing. I can't take it. I can't look up. If I do, I will perish right this instant. Her words sting at my heart. The truth does hurt.
" Vaughn . . ." she says with a shaky voice. " You can't tell me I'm making those things up," she chokes on a tear.
I feel like shit. I don't deserve you Syd. My mind is still bombarded with her words. All she gave to me. All that I took from her only to throw it back in her face. She does love me and she knows it. Trying to convince her she doesn't would be pointless. What am I going to do? She is sure of her feelings. She can speak for herself. She can't speak for me though. After a long silence, I answer in a calm voice. " Maybe you think you feel that way. But you don't really know that I feel the same way."
" I know!" she says as a matter of factly. The way she sounded so sure makes me feel worse.
" I know you love me." I do.
" Maybe I don't." I spit out too quickly that it can't be the truth.
" You do." Yes! She has so much faith in me and I have to kill that faith. Make her turn that love into hate.
" How can you be so sure?" It's a lame attempt, but I must.
" Because you told me. Many times. Many places. Here in fact. Against that table," She points to the desk in the corner. I see images of us. I can feel her below me. No, I shake my head. Don't remind me. " And over there," She spins around gesturing to the fenced walls. I remember the feeling of her pressing my back against the fence. "There is no way you could have been lying. It was real." Images flash constantly. I feel my body getting hot all over. I need to breathe. "I was there when you called out my name with desire and passion . . ." I can hear my own voice calling her. Snap out of it Vaughn!
" Desire! That's right. You said it." I cry out to speak above the voices in my head. Our voices. The words I whispered in her ears. Her moans. Don't go there you idiot! "That's not the same as love," I let out cowardly.
" But then you held me afterwards. When all the heat subsided. What was left?" Don't ask me to answer that. I remember what it feels like to have her bare body resting against mine. I loved that feeling afterwards. Everything was perfect. We felt connected. Like all the spy stuff didn't matter. I knew she felt safe in my arms. And I liked the feeling of protecting her. I would never think to hurt her like this. Forgive me Sydney for what's next. It is the only way.
" I am a man Sydney. I do have needs." I say slowly. I bite my lower lip to feel the pain I know she feels.
" And you couldn't get it anywhere else?" she says through clenched teeth. I think I'm getting through. She is changing. I am slowly shredding all the hopes she had for us.
Just push it a little more. " I didn't need to. When you made it so easy."
Before I could hear my own words, I feel the force of her hand slap across my face. It burns. Thank you. I was beginning to think I couldn't feel anything anymore. I want her to hit me again. For every hurtful word I said. I can hear her silent tears as she stares at me.
" Why are you doing this?" she asks in a pleading voice. Why am I lying to you? Because I have to make you think I don't love you. So you can leave me. Why am I hurting you? Because you leave me no choice.
" Sometimes the truth hurts."
" That's not the truth. You're lying."
" I'm not." Why do you have to make this so hard?
" Yes you are. why?. You can't say you don't love me. I DARE you to say you don't love me." she folds her arms across her chest. Please Sydney. I beg you. Don't make this any harder. My eyes are now boring holes in the ground. Don't make me say it Syd. Please. I plead back.
Then slowly I open my dry mouth. " I don't love . . ." I can't say it. I love you so much and that's why I'm doing this. I feel like giving up. I thought loving you when I shouldn't was so hard. This is ten times worse. It's killing me to have to lie.
" You coward" I hear through the streaming tears. " You coward. You can't even look at me when you say it." I can't. I sink my head further down. Down. " Look at me!" she yells and I feel my heart pounding in my chest. " And tell me that. Look into my eyes." She demands. I am a coward. I can't bring my face to look at hers. I can't look at her hurt face and I know I was the cause.
I slowly bring my face up. My heart stops. Her eyes are busy. They are searching for the man she loves. I'm here Sydney. It's still me. You just can't know that. Her eyes are so powerful I feel weak in my legs. As desperately as I try, I know she's going to break me. I must look away. Her eyes won't let go of their penetration. She dares me to say it. To say I don't love her. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. " I ." I swallow down the lump.
But before I could utter another word, she is immediately in my face. Her arms go at me. Pounding. Grabbing. Hitting. I have never seen her like this. Like a mad woman. Yes Syd. Let it all out. Hit me. HIT ME! Let me feel your pain. Cry out if you want. And she does. Through her sobs, she lets out all her confusion. " Why?? Why are you doing this? You must love me. In everything you do. Why let me call you in the middle of the night? Why risk your life for me? Why help me and almost drown in Taipei? Why come to SD-6 to save them from Cole? Why help my mother.the one who killed your father?" I feel her tears through my shirt. The cold tears awaken me. They burn right through my shirt and sting my skin. I shut my eyes tightly together. Trying to block out all her words. All the reminders of why I love her. She continues, " why? Why sneak around? Why make promises? Why do all those things if you don't love me?" I want to just wrap my arms around. It would be so easy to just hold her like all the times before. No . . .It'll be better for her if this ends now. I suddenly grab her wrists. Return to normal Syd. I give her a shake.
It's over.
" I may have loved you at one time." I have to let you go.
" Now it's different . . .now we can finally be free to be together and you don't feel that way anymore?" she asks still hopeful. I felt the same way Syd. I thought it WAS finally our time. But I was wrong.
" Yes. I was stupid. I was captured by the thrill of sneaking around. The excitement of never being caught. But now, without that aspect.you have lost your appeal." The lies are flowing out now as long as I keep reminding myself why I am doing this. It's all for her.
" I've now found someone . . ." This has to make her believe it's over. "And she satisfies me in . . .every . . .way. She's always been there. She knows me. The real me." My mouth continues while my head is denying everything. Because there is no one. I will never find anyone like you. No one compares Syd. I will never love anyone else.
" Stop! STOP!" she cover her ears and shakes her head furiously. " Just tell me.so, all this time. All this time I thought I loved you and you loved me.it was all a lie? I was nothing to you except some cheap thrill? You used me??"
" I had to make you think I loved you. Why else would you work so hard to bring down SD-6? The better you performed out in the field, the better praise I got back in the office. You weren't just a thrill. You served me in other ways too." This is it. This has to work. Pretending to be professional didn't work. I couldn't convince her that she didn't love me. Telling her I didn't love her wasn't working. Making up a false woman hasn't turned down her hopes. But this is going to work. Sydney Bristow hates being used. She looks back at me. Emotionless. She's finally given up.
She walks to the desk with the files on top. What is she doing? I simply watch. It is like an eerie déjà vu. The first day we met. I was standing watching her as she wrote her statement. That day, I knew I would never be the same. But this time, instead of being the beginning. It is the end.
She stands up with the papers. And lets it all go. The papers fly up and then sink back down at my feet.
" There are your signed papers agent Vaughn. I'm done with the CIA and everyone in it. I don't know how I could have been so blinded by you. There must have been moments of truth, but I don't care anymore. Why should I care about someone who I hate? You're right. I don't know you at all." All that's left is sadness.
The warehouse echoes of her clicking heels. Sydney Bristow just walked out of my life. I will never see her again. The realization hits. She's gone. I turn around and stare the fenced walls. My hands stiffen in a fist. Then repeatedly, I smash it against the wall. Once. Twice. Did it have to end like this? Three times. You said you would never hurt her. Four. Five. Over and over. I want to scream. Harder and harder I punch. Then I stop and hang my head. I watch as the red blood drips from my knuckles and on to the papers on the floor.
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry
I can't let you see
What you mean to me
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you
I know that we'll meet again
Fate has a place and time
So you can get on with your life
I've got to be cruel to be kind
Like Dr.Zhivago
All my love I'll be sending
And you will never know
Cause there can be no happy ending.
A/N: The lyrics are from "The Hardest Thing" by 98 degrees. The song is where I got the idea for this fanfic. The rest of the fic will be in third person.