The Hardest Thing
Part Three
I know that we'll meet again
Fate has a place and time
So you can get on with your life . . . .
Like Dr.Zhivago
All my love I'll be sending
And you will never know . . . .
Seven months has passed. With every passing day, Sydney Bristow is learning to regain her life. She is trying to move on from the loss of a loved one. Michael Vaughn had died. In her mind and in her heart. It was only natural for her to go through the process of mourning. First it was denial. She would go to the places they had been and imagine that he would come. It didn't make sense to her that first month. She was still trying to figure it out. According to her IQ, she is supposed to be great at solving problems. But she couldn't figure out why things had ended that way.
Then came anger. Angry at herself for being so stupid. She had on several occasions lashed out unintentionally at her friends. They didn't know what to do with her. Just tried to stay out of her way. But mostly, she was mad at him. In fits of uncontrolled anger, she'd rip up the letters that he wrote to her and throw the picture frame against the wall. But afterwards, she'd always end up on the floor, sobbing over the frame and piecing the papers back together. She didn't have a picture of him. Wasn't allowed to. But it was good in a way because it helped the process.
After anger, she tried to bargain. She wanted him back. Sometimes she'd make herself believe that she would change everything if only he wanted her back. She could be that other woman. She knew she could. She'd go over how things could have gone wrong. If only she had seen it coming. But there was no way she could have. It was so abrupt. Like day and night. If only she could have prevented his change of heart. Not be too easy or desperate. When she finally realized she was not to blame, the worst stage hit.
Depression. Had she gone through this with Danny? She couldn't even remember. She doesn't remember this stage. The days seemed to all blend together. She didn't know if she was stuck in that trance for days or weeks. All she remembers is the empty feeling. And she never wants to go back to that dark place. With the help of her friends, came acceptance and moving on.
Sydney Bristow takes in the fresh morning air. Life IS beautiful. The sun is shining. The towering buildings of LA don't even seem menacing. There's something about today. It feels like the start. But of what? She smiles at the irony of her feeling. This is how she had imagined the end of SD-6 to feel like. Seven months late.
She as continues walking and enjoying the view around her. As she spots the building that has become familiar to her in the last month, her spirits lift even more. Then she sees someone walking towards her. It's okay, you can do this, she says to herself.
" Sydney! " the man calls out as he closes the gap between them. She tells herself to stay still as she watches him speed up almost to a jog to reach her. He brings his hand to catch his breath as he greets her. " Hi . . ."
" Hi Weiss," she answers politely and gives him a smile. This is awkward. She hasn't seen him since the take over at SD-6. Vaughn had always been the bridge between their friendship and now that he was gone, there is no link.
" How have you been? What are you doing here?" she asks all the normal questions to ease the awkwardness.
" uh. . .well every week . . .I come to visit my grandmother." He says as he points his thumb to the building behind them. He is sweating bullets at the uncomfortable situation.
" That's nice."
" um." Weiss is not helping to ease the tension with all his um's and uh's. " How have YOU been?" he finally gets the courage to ask. He smiles back in a concerned manner. She wants to tell him that she's all right and that he doesn't need to look at her like a fragile piece of China.
" I've been good," she nods her response because she really feels it. The last month has been good for her. It has. Almost back to the way things were, but not exactly. There will always be a piece missing.
" That's great Sydney. I know how you and . . ."
" How's work?" she quickly cuts him off. She didn't even realize that she couldn't talk about what happened.
" It's going smoothly. I'm still a desk jockey. That bullet in the neck years ago really did it for me with the field work. But I'm handling a double now. It's tough."
Sydney looks down at the floor. He sees that she hasn't moved on as easily as she made it seem. " Yeah . . .it is." She says quietly. Then she lifts her head up. " But I'm sure you can . . .handle . . .it." And gives a little chuckle. " I'm sorry. That was terrible," she brings her hand to cover her face.
" No! that was good." He laughs with her.
" How's . . .uh . . .everyone at the office?" she can't believe she just asked that. Now the awkwardness is back.
" Everyone is good except for one person. Not job related. " She starts to bite the corner of her lower lip.
" Everything isn't all good with that person and the girl of his dreams?" She should have more self control, but she doesn't care. She still has a little bit of the left over anger. But she quickly apologizes. " I'm sorry Weiss. That was not called for."
" Sydney, you can call me Eric. And I understand. But you should know that he isn't with the girl of his dreams."
Sydney's heart flutters a little. No. He can't have this effect on you, she tells herself. He broke your heart. She shouldn't care anymore. She doesn't.
" He actually isn't . . ." Weiss continues.
" You know what? I don't care how he is."
" But Sydney, you should know . . ."
" No!" she holds up her hand to stop him. She doesn't want to hear anymore about how he is. What his problems are with his girlfriend. She just can't do it.
" Look Eric, I want us to be on good terms. As friends. And if this conversation continues down the path its going, I don't see that happening." She says sincerely.
" Okay." He nods. He understands she's not ready. And it isn't even his place to tell her. But he can't stand what's going on between these two. It is obvious that they love each other. Vaughn is stupid for pushing her away. And now, even if he wants her back, she is clearly trying to move on.
" I have to go. It was nice seeing you Eric."
" Yeah, you too. And Syd?" She lifts her head to look at him. " You're really okay?"
" Yes. I am keeping myself busy with things that are important now. Thanks. See you." She smiles and waves as she walks away.
That's right. She has been coming to this building for three days a week. This is the first time she has come on a Sunday though. When she and Danny were going out, she'd come by the hospital often to meet with him on lunch breaks. Since Danny died, she had stopped coming. Then one day two months ago, she saw one of the ladies at the desk in a supermarket. She had invited her to volunteer if she had the time. She returned home that night with a new-found hope. She has always been a compassionate person and it will do her good to do something useful again.
" Hey Sydney," a young nurse at the desk on the fourth floor greets her. " You're getting to be a real regular around here."
" Hi Julie," Sydney smiles back. " What shall I start with today?"
" Well, Sunday is flowers day." She points to a cart with three boxes of blooming flowers. Roses, daisies, violets, tulips. Sydney's eyes light up at seeing the beautiful colors. " You can go to each of the rooms and take out the wilting ones from last week and put the fresh ones in. Be creative with your arrangement. Our patients like it better that way." She gives her a wink. Sydney likes Julie. She is a just an upbeat person. Being around sick people has made her shine brighter.
Sydney pushes the cart down the hallway. The fourth floor is one where patients stay for various things. Everyone is here. Little kids. Old grandfathers. People who need to stay for awhile. She quickly makes her way down and stops at the last one. She gets a funny feeling in her stomach. She looks up and sees the number on the door: 470. She lets out a sigh, that's what it is. Gosh, that stupid number. It always gives her the creeps. She tells herself to ease away the feeling in her stomach. "Your being silly," she thinks to herself. " It's not like Rambaldi is going to be lying on the bed in this room." Even so, she slowly and carefully pushes the door open.
This is weird. The curtain is pulled across to hide the bed. She guesses that no one is here and that is an indication. Sydney contemplates not putting flowers in this room, but then looks our at the corner with the sagging flowers. They just look so pathetic that she decides to arrange the flowers for this empty room as well.
She slowly takes the half crumpled ones out and lays them on the small counter. She takes the big sunflower and places it in the vase first. As she picks up the rose to admire it, she hears something.
The groan almost scares her half to death and she jumps up a little. Why is she so jittery? As the sound of a man groaning again, she realizes that there is someone in here. Why do they have the curtains up if someone is here? There must be a reason, so she puts the question aside and continue with her flower arrangement.
The person mumbles something and her ears perk up.
" Sorry . . ." the voice says groggily. Sydney holds her breath in anticipation of what's next. Should she call someone? Maybe this person needs help. But it doesn't sound like he's awake.
" I didn't mean to . . ." it continues softly. She doesn't know what takes over, but she starts to slowly walk towards the curtain.
With every step closer, she hears him better.
" So sorry . . ." he says out of breath. " to hurt you . . ."
She lets out a gasp as she recognizes the voice. Could it? No, she shakes the thought away. She thinks to herself, "You were just talking to Weiss and that's why you think you see and hear him everywhere." This happened to her before. Sometimes when she gets extremely lonely, she sees him. But it becomes so much harder when she realizes that he isn't there at all. But it sounds so much like him.
She is only inches from the bed.
" I didn't mean to . . .forgive me"
Sydney brings her shaky hands up to the edge of the curtain. Her heart is beating faster and faster to the point where she can hear it in her ears. Her cheeks are burning up but her hands are ice cold. She grabs onto the cloth and slowly moves it to the left. She sees the end of the bed. . .
" Sydney!" A high pitched voice from the door forces her to let go and spin around. She grabs at her chest to see the head nurse. She is now breathing heavily.
" I need your help really quickly on the second floor." The head nurse calls out gesturing for her to come with her.
" uh sure," her voice cracks. And she clears her throat but follows out the door. When she is halfway out, she turns to give a glance back at the foot of the bed, which she had exposed.
There was a major spill on the second floor. All the nurses had to tend to some patients, so the volunteers were ordered to clean up. The whole time Sydney's body was mindlessly mopping and wiping, she could think of nothing else but who was in room 470. She repeatedly tells herself that it can't be. Can't be him. Can't be. But whoever it is, she is intrigued. She works faster and faster furiously cleaning up so she could return back to the fourth floor. Once she is done, her legs carry her quickly. She contemplates using the elevator, but the stairs would be quicker. She practically sprints up the stairs and rushes past the front desk to barely hear Julie's " Hey, you're back."
She freezes at the door and stares at: 470. This can't be a coincidence. She walks right in and grabs the curtain. Flings it open and gasps.
It is empty. The bed is empty. No, no. Someone was here. She couldn't have dreamed up the voice. She is not going crazy. Or is she? She wants to break down right there, but this isn't the place. She rushes out of the room and down the hallway.
Slightly out a breath and light-headed, she hovers over the front desk. Julie just stares at her in confusion.
" Sydney, are you okay?"
She takes a deep breath. " Was there a patient in room 470?" she lets out in a frustrated tone.
Julie nods her head slowly. " Yeah. But they just had to take him down to another floor."
Sydney almost collapses from relief. So she wasn't going crazy. " Why?"
" He was getting a little delirious and saying things so they took him for more tests."
" What was he saying?" she asks urgently.
" Um, something about being sorry and hurting someone he loves. What's going on? "
" Do you know who the patient was?" Sydney's hands are taping on the desk. Her eyes are frantic and her head is dizzy. " Julie!"
Julie is startled by her outburst. " I . . .I don't know. He came to our floor two days ago when I wasn't here and they just took his file when they carried him out a few minutes ago . . . I don't know anything."
Sydney closes her eyes in disappointment. Now she'll never know. She brings her hand to rub her face. She needs to go home and take a cold shower.
" I can't stay any longer today," she says sadly as she walks towards the elevator.
" Hey Syd," Julie calls when as she takes a few steps away. " Getting attached to some of the patients here? It happens . . ."
Part Three
I know that we'll meet again
Fate has a place and time
So you can get on with your life . . . .
Like Dr.Zhivago
All my love I'll be sending
And you will never know . . . .
Seven months has passed. With every passing day, Sydney Bristow is learning to regain her life. She is trying to move on from the loss of a loved one. Michael Vaughn had died. In her mind and in her heart. It was only natural for her to go through the process of mourning. First it was denial. She would go to the places they had been and imagine that he would come. It didn't make sense to her that first month. She was still trying to figure it out. According to her IQ, she is supposed to be great at solving problems. But she couldn't figure out why things had ended that way.
Then came anger. Angry at herself for being so stupid. She had on several occasions lashed out unintentionally at her friends. They didn't know what to do with her. Just tried to stay out of her way. But mostly, she was mad at him. In fits of uncontrolled anger, she'd rip up the letters that he wrote to her and throw the picture frame against the wall. But afterwards, she'd always end up on the floor, sobbing over the frame and piecing the papers back together. She didn't have a picture of him. Wasn't allowed to. But it was good in a way because it helped the process.
After anger, she tried to bargain. She wanted him back. Sometimes she'd make herself believe that she would change everything if only he wanted her back. She could be that other woman. She knew she could. She'd go over how things could have gone wrong. If only she had seen it coming. But there was no way she could have. It was so abrupt. Like day and night. If only she could have prevented his change of heart. Not be too easy or desperate. When she finally realized she was not to blame, the worst stage hit.
Depression. Had she gone through this with Danny? She couldn't even remember. She doesn't remember this stage. The days seemed to all blend together. She didn't know if she was stuck in that trance for days or weeks. All she remembers is the empty feeling. And she never wants to go back to that dark place. With the help of her friends, came acceptance and moving on.
Sydney Bristow takes in the fresh morning air. Life IS beautiful. The sun is shining. The towering buildings of LA don't even seem menacing. There's something about today. It feels like the start. But of what? She smiles at the irony of her feeling. This is how she had imagined the end of SD-6 to feel like. Seven months late.
She as continues walking and enjoying the view around her. As she spots the building that has become familiar to her in the last month, her spirits lift even more. Then she sees someone walking towards her. It's okay, you can do this, she says to herself.
" Sydney! " the man calls out as he closes the gap between them. She tells herself to stay still as she watches him speed up almost to a jog to reach her. He brings his hand to catch his breath as he greets her. " Hi . . ."
" Hi Weiss," she answers politely and gives him a smile. This is awkward. She hasn't seen him since the take over at SD-6. Vaughn had always been the bridge between their friendship and now that he was gone, there is no link.
" How have you been? What are you doing here?" she asks all the normal questions to ease the awkwardness.
" uh. . .well every week . . .I come to visit my grandmother." He says as he points his thumb to the building behind them. He is sweating bullets at the uncomfortable situation.
" That's nice."
" um." Weiss is not helping to ease the tension with all his um's and uh's. " How have YOU been?" he finally gets the courage to ask. He smiles back in a concerned manner. She wants to tell him that she's all right and that he doesn't need to look at her like a fragile piece of China.
" I've been good," she nods her response because she really feels it. The last month has been good for her. It has. Almost back to the way things were, but not exactly. There will always be a piece missing.
" That's great Sydney. I know how you and . . ."
" How's work?" she quickly cuts him off. She didn't even realize that she couldn't talk about what happened.
" It's going smoothly. I'm still a desk jockey. That bullet in the neck years ago really did it for me with the field work. But I'm handling a double now. It's tough."
Sydney looks down at the floor. He sees that she hasn't moved on as easily as she made it seem. " Yeah . . .it is." She says quietly. Then she lifts her head up. " But I'm sure you can . . .handle . . .it." And gives a little chuckle. " I'm sorry. That was terrible," she brings her hand to cover her face.
" No! that was good." He laughs with her.
" How's . . .uh . . .everyone at the office?" she can't believe she just asked that. Now the awkwardness is back.
" Everyone is good except for one person. Not job related. " She starts to bite the corner of her lower lip.
" Everything isn't all good with that person and the girl of his dreams?" She should have more self control, but she doesn't care. She still has a little bit of the left over anger. But she quickly apologizes. " I'm sorry Weiss. That was not called for."
" Sydney, you can call me Eric. And I understand. But you should know that he isn't with the girl of his dreams."
Sydney's heart flutters a little. No. He can't have this effect on you, she tells herself. He broke your heart. She shouldn't care anymore. She doesn't.
" He actually isn't . . ." Weiss continues.
" You know what? I don't care how he is."
" But Sydney, you should know . . ."
" No!" she holds up her hand to stop him. She doesn't want to hear anymore about how he is. What his problems are with his girlfriend. She just can't do it.
" Look Eric, I want us to be on good terms. As friends. And if this conversation continues down the path its going, I don't see that happening." She says sincerely.
" Okay." He nods. He understands she's not ready. And it isn't even his place to tell her. But he can't stand what's going on between these two. It is obvious that they love each other. Vaughn is stupid for pushing her away. And now, even if he wants her back, she is clearly trying to move on.
" I have to go. It was nice seeing you Eric."
" Yeah, you too. And Syd?" She lifts her head to look at him. " You're really okay?"
" Yes. I am keeping myself busy with things that are important now. Thanks. See you." She smiles and waves as she walks away.
That's right. She has been coming to this building for three days a week. This is the first time she has come on a Sunday though. When she and Danny were going out, she'd come by the hospital often to meet with him on lunch breaks. Since Danny died, she had stopped coming. Then one day two months ago, she saw one of the ladies at the desk in a supermarket. She had invited her to volunteer if she had the time. She returned home that night with a new-found hope. She has always been a compassionate person and it will do her good to do something useful again.
" Hey Sydney," a young nurse at the desk on the fourth floor greets her. " You're getting to be a real regular around here."
" Hi Julie," Sydney smiles back. " What shall I start with today?"
" Well, Sunday is flowers day." She points to a cart with three boxes of blooming flowers. Roses, daisies, violets, tulips. Sydney's eyes light up at seeing the beautiful colors. " You can go to each of the rooms and take out the wilting ones from last week and put the fresh ones in. Be creative with your arrangement. Our patients like it better that way." She gives her a wink. Sydney likes Julie. She is a just an upbeat person. Being around sick people has made her shine brighter.
Sydney pushes the cart down the hallway. The fourth floor is one where patients stay for various things. Everyone is here. Little kids. Old grandfathers. People who need to stay for awhile. She quickly makes her way down and stops at the last one. She gets a funny feeling in her stomach. She looks up and sees the number on the door: 470. She lets out a sigh, that's what it is. Gosh, that stupid number. It always gives her the creeps. She tells herself to ease away the feeling in her stomach. "Your being silly," she thinks to herself. " It's not like Rambaldi is going to be lying on the bed in this room." Even so, she slowly and carefully pushes the door open.
This is weird. The curtain is pulled across to hide the bed. She guesses that no one is here and that is an indication. Sydney contemplates not putting flowers in this room, but then looks our at the corner with the sagging flowers. They just look so pathetic that she decides to arrange the flowers for this empty room as well.
She slowly takes the half crumpled ones out and lays them on the small counter. She takes the big sunflower and places it in the vase first. As she picks up the rose to admire it, she hears something.
The groan almost scares her half to death and she jumps up a little. Why is she so jittery? As the sound of a man groaning again, she realizes that there is someone in here. Why do they have the curtains up if someone is here? There must be a reason, so she puts the question aside and continue with her flower arrangement.
The person mumbles something and her ears perk up.
" Sorry . . ." the voice says groggily. Sydney holds her breath in anticipation of what's next. Should she call someone? Maybe this person needs help. But it doesn't sound like he's awake.
" I didn't mean to . . ." it continues softly. She doesn't know what takes over, but she starts to slowly walk towards the curtain.
With every step closer, she hears him better.
" So sorry . . ." he says out of breath. " to hurt you . . ."
She lets out a gasp as she recognizes the voice. Could it? No, she shakes the thought away. She thinks to herself, "You were just talking to Weiss and that's why you think you see and hear him everywhere." This happened to her before. Sometimes when she gets extremely lonely, she sees him. But it becomes so much harder when she realizes that he isn't there at all. But it sounds so much like him.
She is only inches from the bed.
" I didn't mean to . . .forgive me"
Sydney brings her shaky hands up to the edge of the curtain. Her heart is beating faster and faster to the point where she can hear it in her ears. Her cheeks are burning up but her hands are ice cold. She grabs onto the cloth and slowly moves it to the left. She sees the end of the bed. . .
" Sydney!" A high pitched voice from the door forces her to let go and spin around. She grabs at her chest to see the head nurse. She is now breathing heavily.
" I need your help really quickly on the second floor." The head nurse calls out gesturing for her to come with her.
" uh sure," her voice cracks. And she clears her throat but follows out the door. When she is halfway out, she turns to give a glance back at the foot of the bed, which she had exposed.
There was a major spill on the second floor. All the nurses had to tend to some patients, so the volunteers were ordered to clean up. The whole time Sydney's body was mindlessly mopping and wiping, she could think of nothing else but who was in room 470. She repeatedly tells herself that it can't be. Can't be him. Can't be. But whoever it is, she is intrigued. She works faster and faster furiously cleaning up so she could return back to the fourth floor. Once she is done, her legs carry her quickly. She contemplates using the elevator, but the stairs would be quicker. She practically sprints up the stairs and rushes past the front desk to barely hear Julie's " Hey, you're back."
She freezes at the door and stares at: 470. This can't be a coincidence. She walks right in and grabs the curtain. Flings it open and gasps.
It is empty. The bed is empty. No, no. Someone was here. She couldn't have dreamed up the voice. She is not going crazy. Or is she? She wants to break down right there, but this isn't the place. She rushes out of the room and down the hallway.
Slightly out a breath and light-headed, she hovers over the front desk. Julie just stares at her in confusion.
" Sydney, are you okay?"
She takes a deep breath. " Was there a patient in room 470?" she lets out in a frustrated tone.
Julie nods her head slowly. " Yeah. But they just had to take him down to another floor."
Sydney almost collapses from relief. So she wasn't going crazy. " Why?"
" He was getting a little delirious and saying things so they took him for more tests."
" What was he saying?" she asks urgently.
" Um, something about being sorry and hurting someone he loves. What's going on? "
" Do you know who the patient was?" Sydney's hands are taping on the desk. Her eyes are frantic and her head is dizzy. " Julie!"
Julie is startled by her outburst. " I . . .I don't know. He came to our floor two days ago when I wasn't here and they just took his file when they carried him out a few minutes ago . . . I don't know anything."
Sydney closes her eyes in disappointment. Now she'll never know. She brings her hand to rub her face. She needs to go home and take a cold shower.
" I can't stay any longer today," she says sadly as she walks towards the elevator.
" Hey Syd," Julie calls when as she takes a few steps away. " Getting attached to some of the patients here? It happens . . ."