"I don't think I realised how lucky I am, you know, until the last few days. How lucky I am. I mean was. I don't feel lucky anymore. I always though that my life was awful, I seemed to attract misery everywhere I went. I was just beginning to believe that I'd sorted my life out. I had a wonderful husband, and beautiful daughter, and amazing friends. Life was great. But then once again that misery came charging back at me, in full force. It was as if because I'd been so happy for five years I had to have an extra large blow. You know, like when it doesn't rain for ages, and then you get a big storm. The storm just hit, and now I'm left to cope with the destruction that it's left.
"I guess not everyone can have the good things happen to them. Some people have to be happy, and some people have to be sad. I always wondered when I was a kid why the good and bad things couldn't be shared out fairly, why it was all so unfair. I still don't understand. Maybe it's something I did wrong, or maybe I'm just unlucky. I don't know, I don't think anyone will ever know. Do you know what I mean? I'm not sure that I do. The only thing I know at the moment is that my life sucks."
***
"Abby, you know you didn't have to come in today," Kerry said, approaching her. "You can take as much time off as you like."
"Thanks Kerry, but I don't want to sit around feeling sorry for myself. I need to keep busy." She pushed past the older woman, making her way to the staff room to put her coat away.
She walked over to her locker and opened it. After placing her coat inside and taking her stethoscope out she slammed the door. 'Lockhart' the label on the front of it said. She remembered how she'd kept her old surname at work, to avoid confusion. She looked to the locker next to her own, with 'Carter' on it. She sighed sadly, pulling the tag off the front. She stared at it for a moment, her eyes welling up with tears. He didn't need the surname anymore. She clipped the label over the one which read 'Lockhart' and smiled at it sadly. Looking down at her ID badge she made a mental note to visit security later and get it changed.
"Morning Abby," Chen said, entering the room. Abby looked up and her and smiled weakly.
"Hey."
"Are you okay?" Chen opened her locker door, dumping some things inside. Abby shrugged, and turned to leave. "I'm so sorry about everything Abby. John…he was a great person."
"I know," she replied. "Sorry, I have to get to work." She quickly exited the room, needing to get away from the conversation that was inevitably about to start.
***
"I went to the park today. Saw some parents with their kids, all laughing and playing happily. There was a little girl there with a pale blue coat just like Holly's, and she had brown hair tied back with ribbons. I couldn't help thinking for a moment that it was her: that she hadn't really died, I'd just lost her for a while. And now I'd found her. I'm sure I grinned to myself, everyone must have thought I was mad. If they even noticed me. A woman went up to the girl and took her hand, leading her over to the swings. I wanted to shout at her, demand to know what she was doing with my daughter. I was ready to go and give her a big hug. Is that a bad thing, do you think? And then the woman put her onto a swing, and I could hear her shouting "higher, Mummy, higher." And as her Mummy pushed her higher and higher she began to scream. Screams of excitement, and happiness. But all I could see in my mind was Holly screaming as he shot her. Her little face filled with terror, not knowing what was going to happen to her or her Daddy.
"I almost ran over to them, to comfort the girl, tell her everything would be okay. And then the woman helped her down off the swing. 'Was that fun Amy?' she said, smiling at her. Her name's not Amy, I was thinking. And then I came back to reality, and realised it wasn't Holly. It was just some little girl who looked a bit like my daughter. She's never coming back, is she?"
***
"We've got a trauma coming in," Frank said from the desk. "Five year old boy fell off his climbing frame and hit his head. ETA 5 minutes."
"Okay, I'll take this one," Kerry said, making her way to the ambulance bay to wait. "Susan, Haleh, help me with this one."
"You need a hand?" Abby asked, looking up from a chart she was looking at.
"No it's okay, we got this one. You stick to minor cases." She continued on her way to the ambulance bay, and Abby ran after her.
"Do you think I'm not capable of dealing with a trauma?" she all but yelled, standing in Kerry's way in the doorway.
"I think it would be better if you kept away from traumas at the moment, yes." She pushed past Abby, into the ambulance bay.
"I can still do my job Kerry!"
"I didn't say you couldn't."
"That was the implication though." Abby was prevented from going any further with her complaint when the ambulance pulled into the bay.
"This is Kieran. Five-year-old male, fell off the top of the climbing frame, and hit his head, losing consciousness. Hasn't regained consciousness," the paramedic reeled off as they unloaded the patient.
"Let's get him to trauma room one." Abby stepped forwards towards the gurney, taking an edge of it to wheel him along. "Abby, I said to deal with minors."
"And I want to help." Kerry looked around for someone to help her. Haleh and Susan were both approaching the gurney, ready to help.
"Susan, can you take Abby through to the lounge please?"
***
"Do you think they were in pain? I mean, not when they were shot, when they died? Was John unconscious when he died? I know Holly was, but did she feel any pain? I know as a nurse I should know. But do we really know? I can't count the number of times I've been asked by relatives if their loved ones were suffering when they died. And I dutifully say 'No, they weren't in any pain.' But we don't know, do we? None of us have been in that position, we can't tell. It hurts to think that the two people I loved most in the world could have suffered. Could have, I know they did, because some loser shot them. To keep himself out of prison for having illegal drugs. And now he's banged up for double murder. My husband and daughter got pulled into something they had nothing to do with. And they got killed.
"Did you ever meet John? He worked at County for years, I don't think he could leave the place. Sentimental attachment and all that. The only thing that could pull him away from it was death. He was a great person. I think you would have liked him. Most people liked him, I think. He was a very likeable person. I caused quite an uproar among the women in the hospital when I married him. I think they all wanted their chance with the gorgeous Dr. Carter. But he loved me, and I loved him. We were so happy. You should have seen us, we were like a fairy tale couple sometimes. We over came all our problems to become a loving, caring couple. Husband and wife. For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. Till death do us part. The marriage ceremony doesn't quite get that bit right. 'Till death do us part.' Death's parted us, but that will never stop me loving him.
"Did I mention how happy we were? I'll bring you some pictures. Of our wedding, and when Holly was a baby. She was such a sweet baby, and I never saw a more beautiful child. But maybe that's because she was mine. They say you always think your own child is more beautiful. But she truly was wonderful. She looked like John, I think. Susan told me when I found out I was pregnant that John and I would have the most gorgeous kids ever. I laughed at her, but Holly was gorgeous. She definitely had his eyes, I'm not sure about the nose. Have you seen a picture? No, of course not, I've got to bring them in. I'll show you, and you can tell me what you think. Other people often see things better, you know, from a different perspective. Remind me to bring them for you."
***
Abby sat on the sofa in the doctor's lounge, staring straight in front of her at nothing particular. She'd been sitting right here when she found out that Holly had died. She could already feel her eyes beginning to fill with tears just thinking about it. Maybe Weaver was right, maybe she couldn't do her job properly right now. But what else was there to do? She couldn't be a mother, or a wife, because she wasn't either of them anymore. All she could do was eat, sleep and work. She knew it was the wrong thing to do, but if she just kept on working and sleeping she wouldn't have time to think about how much she'd lost.
She heard the door open, and looked round to see Kerry. "Hi," she choked out, trying to stop the tears that were beginning. "How's the kid?"
"He's good," Kerry smiled. "The CT didn't show any problems, he should be fine. We're just waiting for a bed for him." Abby smiled sadly.
"Good, I'm glad he's okay."
"I wanted to apologise for earlier Abby," Kerry said, coming and sitting down next to her. "I didn't mean to make you feel like I thought you were incapable. I just thought it would be easier for you."
"I know, thank you. And I'm sorry I got so angry at you. My emotions are all over the place. I thought I was right, but you were. I can't do this."
"I think you should take time off Abby."
"To do what? Sit at home on my own and cry? There is nothing for me to do. Work's all I have now." She sighed sadly, wiping her eyes. "Please understand that I need this."
"It's not good for you Abby..."
"I know. But losing my husband and daughter wasn't good for me. I don't think working non stop's going to make much difference."
"Okay," she nodded, allowing Abby to have what she wanted for now. "But if you need the time off, then you can have it. At however short notice."
"Thanks."
***
"I haven't told you about our wedding yet, have I? It was wonderful, so simple and yet so perfect. John's family wanted a big affair - you know, with all the important people from the city attending. It was the wedding of the heir to the Carter family fortune, after all. But we didn't want that, we insisted on something small. Family and friends only. No mayor, or president of the history museum, or anything like that. It was so different to my wedding to Richard. That was my first husband. I don't really think about him much anymore, leaving him was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I'm not sure why I ever married him. I think it was because I didn't know what it meant to love a man, not until I met John. Our wedding was big and fancy, or at least as fancy as we could afford. But the quiet, personal wedding John and I had was so much more personal. Mom was delighted, obviously. I think she knew that I wasn't right with Richard from the beginning, cause I didn't see her like that at our wedding. Everyone thought our problems would be too much, but we overcame them.
"That was one of the happiest days of my life. All the people I cared about were around me, celebrating with me, and I was married to the man of my dreams. Despite being a little disappointed that we didn't want a big wedding, Gamma made sure we had everything just how we wanted it. John once told me that Gamma and I were the only two people who ever truly understood him. That's why she accepted what we wanted, I think. She loved him so much, and she accepted me into the family so easily. I wasn't from a rich important family, but she could see that her John loved me, and so she loved me too. And you should have seen her with Holly. She spoilt that kid rotten! Do you think I should go and see Gamma? I haven't really spoken to her since it happened, I didn't think I could face her. Too painful. I'm scared for her. I'm scared that this will finish her off, the grief she feels over losing John. She doesn't have anything to live for now. At least I have my work, but she has nothing. I think I'll go and see her, or I'd never forgive myself if something happened."
***
"Excuse me, nurse," a woman said, approaching Abby as she walked across the ER with a pile of charts.
"Hmm?" Abby replied, dumping the charts onto the admit desk. "Can I help you?"
"Yes, could someone please come and explain to me what's happening with my daughter? They sent her for an x-ray an hour ago, and she hasn't been back yet." Abby furrowed her brow.
"An hour?" The woman nodded. "What's your daughter's name? I'll try to find out what's happening."
"Thank you, thank you very much. Her name's Sophie Ruperts, she's seven. That's very find of you nurse...sorry, what was your name?"
"Abby. Abby Carter. I'll let you know when I find anything out. Would you like to wait in chairs?" The woman nodded, and made her way back to chairs. Abby made her way over to the computer, typing the name in.
"Frank do you know what happened to the girl who went up to x-ray?" He shrugged.
"I didn't know we'd sent any kids to x-ray, check with..."
"Oh no," Abby interrupted him, staring at the screen.
"What's wrong?"
"Forty five minutes. That woman's daughter died forty five minutes ago, and no one even bothered to tell her." She could feel the anger boiling up inside her. "Does no one care anymore? How do you think that woman feels, how do you think she's going to feel when I tell her?"
"Would you like me to get Dr. Lewis to go talk to her?"
"No, I'll talk to her," Abby said, angrily brushing and tear away from her cheek. "She needs to talk to someone who actually gives a damn about what happened to her daughter."
***
"You know when else I was really happy? When Holly was born. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. I always had my doubts about whether I could be a good mother, but when I held that baby in my arms I knew I was going to do just fine. And John was amazing with her, his precious little angel. He used to sing a song to her, how did it go? Oh, I remember now. 'I sit and wait, does an angel contemplate my fate. And do they know, the places where we go when we're grey and all? Cause I have been told that salvation lets their wings unfold. So when I'm lying in my bed, thoughts running through my head, and I feel that love is dead, I'm loving angels instead. And through it all she offers me protection, a lot of love and affection, whether I'm right or wrong. And down the waterfall wherever it may take me, I know that life won't break me when I come to call. She won't forsake me, I'm loving angels instead.' When she was old enough Holly used to sing along too. They'd sit there together, screaming it at the top of their lungs, completely differently to the lullaby it was used as when she was tiny. It's quite a sad song to sing as a child's lullaby, isn't it? I never thought about it like that before, just that it was cute. It's ironic isn't it, how this song fits my situation right now? I'm sorry, I feel like such a fool crying my eyes out in front of you. But this has just got me so emotional, I never thought about the words before.
"What was I telling you about? Oh yeah, when Holly was a baby. She had this pretty pink dress that she looked so adorable in! I think some people must have thought we didn't have any other clothes for her. John and I both loved it so much, we'd dress her in it at every opportunity. But babies grow, and she grew out of it. I was so sad, the day I took that dress to the charity shop. I wish I'd kept it now, to remind myself of the good times. She got more clothes that she looked cute in, but nothing was as adorable as that pink dress. When her hair got long enough, I'd tie it up in bunches, using ribbons. That was cute too. Everyone always remarked on what an adorable child she was. John never quite got the colour co-ordination thing though. Pink top and red ribbons is a no go.
"Did you know I was late for my period? I allowed myself to think for a while that I could be pregnant, that I would have something left after all. I don't know if I could cope with raising a child by myself, but at least I would have something, I could be a mother. But I don't have to worry about whether I could do it or not. I started this morning. I should never have let myself believe that I was pregnant, I was so upset. I completely believed that I was, that I'd have a baby and I could be happy again. I even thought about names, you know? John Truman Carter IV if it was a boy, to carry on the family tradition. And for a girl I thought Jade Holly. What do you think of that? I couldn't name her Holly, it wouldn't be right. But she could have her big sister's name as a middle name. Listen to me, I'm not even pregnant. But I so want to believe I am. I know this isn't healthy, to keep living in a world that doesn't exist. But don't you think it's so much nicer?"
***
"I...I don't understand," the woman stuttered, staring at Abby. "I thought she just went for an x-ray."
"Yes, there were complications, I believe." Abby paused, trying to decide whether to tell the woman or not. She had to know. "Mrs. Ruperts, Sophie died almost an hour ago."
"What? Why didn't anyone tell me?"
"I can't answer that for you," Abby said sadly, fiddling with her hands in her lap. "Sometimes the system slips up. But that's no excuse at all."
"I wasn't there for her, at the end. Do you think it hurt her?" Abby gulped back tears. "I can't count the number of times I've been asked by relatives if their loved ones were suffering when they died. And I dutifully say 'No, they weren't in any pain.' But we don't know, do we?"
"I don't know," she said honestly. "I really don't know." She could feel the tears pricking the backs of her eyes. "I'm sorry, that's not what you want to hear..."
"No, thank you for being honest." The woman took a tissue out of her bag, wiping the tears away from her eyes. "I thought I'd have her forever, that she'd have to bury me, not the other way round. And now..."
"I know," Abby said, placing a sympathetic hand on the woman's knee, and trying to stop her own tears from falling. "It's wrong, as parents we shouldn't have to see our children die."
"You have children?" Abby began to nod her head, and then stopped.
"No. I guess I don't." She wiped at her eyes: she wasn't going to cry in front of this woman. "I did, but...now I don't. I'm sorry," she said, getting up hurriedly. "If you need anything just ask."
She rushed out of the room and down the hall into the toilets. As soon as she was safely locked inside a stall she let the tears fall freely.
***
"I saw Gamma. She was so different; it was like I was talking to a different Gamma. She's holding out, I think. She has more experience with grief than I do. I've had misery my whole life, but never grief before. We had a long chat, about John and Holly, and just life in general. It was good, I missed not seeing her for the last few weeks.
"I visited the graveyard today. It was so quiet and peaceful. And it was snowing while I was there. Holly always loved the snow, it seemed so appropriate. I don't know what happened, but I found myself making a snowman by her grave. She wouldn't want flowers, she was just a kid. They'd mean nothing to her. I went to the shops, to buy a carrot for the nose. Holly used to tell me that a snowman isn't complete until it has a carrot nurse. But when I got back to the grave, someone had knocked the snowman over. That hurt, so much more than I could explain to you. I was angry, and upset, and I just sat down in the snow and sobbed. It was bad enough that Holly couldn't be running around throwing snowballs, but her snowman being destroyed...that was just too much. It was like she'd been killed all over again.
"Susan's taking me out tonight, for a girlie pampering I think. She always knows how to make me feel better, but I don't think it will work this time. Did you know that I used to be a drunk? It's so tempting just to go down to the pub or something instead, and drink myself into a coma. It would certainly make life easier. The only thing stopping me is John. He was so patient, and he helped me so much. He hated that I drank, but he tried to help me while still showing his love for me, so that it didn't seem like he was trying to fix me. If I went and drank I'd be destroying all the hard work he did. And he wouldn't want to be the reason that I got drunk either. I owe him at least that much. He saved my life, he can't be the reason I lose it."
***