Amnesia Amigoes- Chapter FIVE

Previously on 'Amnesia Amigoes': Draco survived the plummet from the window, but destroyed a trunkful of marshmallows in the process.  Ron decided that Rubik's Cubes were evil, Harry pulled Hermione's hair, and Ron took Harry for a walk outside.

*In the School Grounds*

Harry and Ron were walking through the school grounds, with Harry getting distracted every five minutes by a passing bird, ant or elephant.  Ron was thinking of the best way to tell Harry the story of You-Know-Who.  He decided to do it as a fairy tale.  Who didn't like a good story?

"Harry, do you want to hear a story?"  Ron asked excitedly, clapping his hands together.

 

'Patronizing git,' thought Harry angrily.

"Yes!! A story!!! I love stories!!!" he yelled, trying not to grimace.

" Okay, I'll tell you one, but first you have to come down from that tree."  Harry scrambled quickly out of the branches of the Whomping Willow with minimal fuss.  He didn't really like it up there; the branches seemed to be glaring at him rather menacingly.

"Now do I get my story?"  Harry asked cheerfully, dancing around on the spot once he was safely on the ground.

"Yes," started Ron.  " Once upon a time there was an evil, evil wizard.  Everyone was scared of him, because he was very mean.  His name was...He Who Must Not Be Named."

Harry blinked up at Ron, smiling vacantly.  Ron decided to continue with the story, seeing as it was obvious he wasn't going to get the reactions he wanted.

"Anyway, He Who Must Not Be Named liked to kill people.  He went around to everyone he didn't like and he killed them.  This is why nobody liked him, except for his followers.  The followers were called Death Eaters, and they killed people, too.  Nobody lived once He Who Must Not Be Named decided to kill him or her, except for one boy.  This boy became known as the Boy Who Lived, and his name was... Ron Weasley!"

Harry tried desperately not to laugh, or maybe just to keep a relatively straight face.

"Wow!!!" said Harry, eyes wide. "That's you!" 

"Yes, I know.  I am the hero of the modern world.  You should worship me, because it is because of me that life is as good as it is,"  Ron declared proudly.  Harry frowned fiercely for a moment, then shrugged.  He obediently got down on his knees, and started worshipping him.

"Oh, great Ron, I am not worthy!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.  "I'M NOT WORTHY…LET ME LICK YOUR SHOES CLEAN, OH GREAT MASTER.  THERE IS NONE GREATER THAN YOU, YOUR MIGHTINESS!" 

"Not here!" Ron hissed, staring around anxiously.  Everyone was staring at them, which was hardly surprising giving the show they were putting on.  "Wait till we get to the common room, then you can worship me as much as you like."

"Okay." Harry and Ron walked back to the castle together, Ron feeling very pleased with himself.   'I can't believe how well that worked!' Ron thought to himself. 'He really doesn't have a clue.'

 

'What a wanker,' thought Harry.  'I can't believe I'm going along with this…'

 

*Somewhere in the castle grounds*

Draco Malfoy stumbled across the vast lawn of Hogwarts school, not really sure of where he was going. He was devastated that Hermione didn't like him, that she liked Harry Potter. And most of all, Malfoy hated the way that not only had his attempt to kill himself failed, but no-one had given him any attention for it!

"So much for a cry for help," he muttered, sounding very cranky. (Hey, if no one cared that you jumped off a building, wouldn't you be feeling a little annoyed?)

"I almost died, and Hermione still doesn't want me. How unfair is that? It's that stupid Potter, everyone likes him. Just because he got hit on the head and he lost his memory, everyone thinks he's so brilliant."  Malfoy started mimicking the way people talked to Harry.

"Oh, oh, Harry! Oh, Harry you're my hero! Harry, can I have the honour of carrying your bag? Can I get you anything Harry? Are you cold? Are you tired? Do you need anything?"

"Dickhead," he said out loud. Unfortunately for him, Hagrid 'just happened' to be walking past as he said that.

"What was that?!!!! Did you call me a dickhead?!!!! I'll get you for that, you ugly, filthy, disgusting, stupid, retarded, monged-up piece of shit!!!!!!!!!!" Hagrid roared, finally showing his true giant side. 

"No!!!! I didn't mean you! I meant Harry Potter-"

"So you were insulting my friend then, were you?! How dare you!!!! Harry Potter is one of the greatest people the world has ever known, you ungrateful little bastard!" Hagrid was really furious.

"You don't understand, Harry is going out with Hermione Granger, and I love her!!!! I-"

"DON"T YOU DARE GO ANYWHERE NEAR HERMIONE! IF I FIND OUT THAT YOU'VE HURT HER, I WILL SMASH YOUR HEAD INTO A BRICK WALL, AND MAKE YOU SO UGLY THAT NO-ONE WILL EVER LIKE YOU!!!"

"But I...!"

"THAT'S IT!!!! I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU!!!"

Hagrid picked up Malfoy by his throat, swung him around his head precisely 3.527 times, and threw him. Malfoy flew half way across the castle grounds, and landed in the Whomping Willow. The tree then proceeded to throw him around for a bit, so Malfoy was off flying again. This time he landed in the lake. He thought he was safe there, but then the Giant Squid pulled him into the depths of the lake. Hagrid thought this was the end so went back of to his little hut thing, whistling cheerfully.

He didn't see Malfoy crawl out of the lake, gasping for air. Malfoy ran as fast as he could up to the castle, wanting to get to his common room before anything bad could happen. He thought he had made it.

Then he saw Filch, who 'just happened' to be standing in front of the entrance to the Slytherin common room. Filch was very angry that Malfoy was walking through the castle when he was all wet, so he dragged him off to the dungeons, where he had a vast number of chains waiting for him.  Filch was dancing in delight as he hung Malfoy from the dungeon roof by his toes. 

"Always look on the bright side of life…" Malfoy sang mournfully to himself, then burst into tears again.  Filch danced out of the dungeon, humming to himself under his breath.

Authors' Notes: Will Draco ever escape from the dungeons?  What will Hermione say when she finds out Ron's version of history?  All to be revealed later in 'Amnesia Amigoes'!