I walked towards the main nurses station, ready to grab a chart. I sighed
as I saw that there were still many charts. It figures. The one day I really,
really didn't want to deal with stuff was the day the ER was swamped. I
grabbed a random chart and flipped it open. Nausea and mild stomach pains
in curtain two. Well, this shouldn't be too bad. I began to make my way
to curtain two when someone grabbed me by the shoulder. I was flailed around
and in a moment I was facing Mark.
"We have two gunshot wounds coming in, we need you out in the ambulance bay." I nodded and quickly put the chart back.
"Any idea on the condition?" I asked Mark as we hurried outside. Chen and Carter were already out there. Mark shook his head. I heard the sirens in the distance and knew they would be here in a few minutes. I had never like treating gunshot wounds. They looked like a small black hole, like there was just emptiness inside but really there was a small piece of lead that will affect the persons life forever. I looked up as the ambulances stopped and the doors opened. Carter and Chen took the first patient, a woman, who looked as though she were in her thirties. The second ambulance opened it's doors and the medics took out the second victim. My heart sank. It was a little girl. Why, today of all days, were there so many children being hurt? Mark and I hurried towards the gurney as the medics filled us in on her condition.
"Five-year-old girl, wounds in the lower abdomen and shoulder, BP is low and breathing sounds labored." Mark nodded as we wheeled the little girl into a trauma room. I began checking her vitals as she opened her eyes.
"Sweetheart, can you tell me your name?" I asked her as I held a stethoscope to her chest and listened to her lungs.
"Lily." She said in a small voice. "Where's my mommy?"
"Doctors are taking care of her in another room. Can you tell me where it hurts?"
Before I could get an answer she started going into shock. I looked up and I saw her face. I mean, I really saw it. She looked like Jasna. I froze, just seeing the familiar face brought memories flooding back. It felt like everything was in slow motion. I could hear vague voices but as I looked ahead I saw my shattered apartment in Croatia. I saw the bodies of my neighbors as I ran towards my family. I tried to shake my head to rid myself of the memory but it didn't work. I could hear Mark saying my name. I looked over and stared at him, unable to say anything.
"Luka, we need to intubate her... Luka? Are you listening?"
"Mark, I can't... I can't be here." I knew it was a horrible thing to do but I bolted. I couldn't look at that little girl. I couldn't get the memories out of my mind. I had tried very hard to forget everything but now it was all coming back and I hated it. I ran towards the lounge, needing to get out of the open. I sat down in one of the chairs, putting my head into my hands. I could feel the guilt coming back. Why did I make them stay? Why did I have to leave at that moment? I don't understand. I don't understand why I had to lose them. I reached up into my pocket and grabbed the pocket knife. I hurriedly rolled up my shirt sleeve and pressed the blade into my skin. I wanted to be numb. I wanted to never have to feel anything again. I watched the blood run down my arm and onto the pale yellow floor. I didn't care. I watched as the blood flowed over old scars, the deep red a drastic contrast against the pinkish white. God, what I wouldn't give to be numb. I took the knife and made more cuts, watching as the blood flow increased. I could feel the coolness of it on my arm, dripping back and soaking my light blue shirt. I never noticed that Mark had walked in a was standing there silent.
"We have two gunshot wounds coming in, we need you out in the ambulance bay." I nodded and quickly put the chart back.
"Any idea on the condition?" I asked Mark as we hurried outside. Chen and Carter were already out there. Mark shook his head. I heard the sirens in the distance and knew they would be here in a few minutes. I had never like treating gunshot wounds. They looked like a small black hole, like there was just emptiness inside but really there was a small piece of lead that will affect the persons life forever. I looked up as the ambulances stopped and the doors opened. Carter and Chen took the first patient, a woman, who looked as though she were in her thirties. The second ambulance opened it's doors and the medics took out the second victim. My heart sank. It was a little girl. Why, today of all days, were there so many children being hurt? Mark and I hurried towards the gurney as the medics filled us in on her condition.
"Five-year-old girl, wounds in the lower abdomen and shoulder, BP is low and breathing sounds labored." Mark nodded as we wheeled the little girl into a trauma room. I began checking her vitals as she opened her eyes.
"Sweetheart, can you tell me your name?" I asked her as I held a stethoscope to her chest and listened to her lungs.
"Lily." She said in a small voice. "Where's my mommy?"
"Doctors are taking care of her in another room. Can you tell me where it hurts?"
Before I could get an answer she started going into shock. I looked up and I saw her face. I mean, I really saw it. She looked like Jasna. I froze, just seeing the familiar face brought memories flooding back. It felt like everything was in slow motion. I could hear vague voices but as I looked ahead I saw my shattered apartment in Croatia. I saw the bodies of my neighbors as I ran towards my family. I tried to shake my head to rid myself of the memory but it didn't work. I could hear Mark saying my name. I looked over and stared at him, unable to say anything.
"Luka, we need to intubate her... Luka? Are you listening?"
"Mark, I can't... I can't be here." I knew it was a horrible thing to do but I bolted. I couldn't look at that little girl. I couldn't get the memories out of my mind. I had tried very hard to forget everything but now it was all coming back and I hated it. I ran towards the lounge, needing to get out of the open. I sat down in one of the chairs, putting my head into my hands. I could feel the guilt coming back. Why did I make them stay? Why did I have to leave at that moment? I don't understand. I don't understand why I had to lose them. I reached up into my pocket and grabbed the pocket knife. I hurriedly rolled up my shirt sleeve and pressed the blade into my skin. I wanted to be numb. I wanted to never have to feel anything again. I watched the blood run down my arm and onto the pale yellow floor. I didn't care. I watched as the blood flowed over old scars, the deep red a drastic contrast against the pinkish white. God, what I wouldn't give to be numb. I took the knife and made more cuts, watching as the blood flow increased. I could feel the coolness of it on my arm, dripping back and soaking my light blue shirt. I never noticed that Mark had walked in a was standing there silent.