I jumped as I heard Mark take a step. I spun around and watched his face
go from surprised to shocked. I was still holding the knife in my hand
but now it was covered in blood. I could feel my heart jump into my throat.
I was caught. Mark started to say something but then stopped. He tried
again but then closed his mouth.
"Mark, it's not what it looks like." I lied. I wanted more than anything to run. To run away from everything and never come back. I knew I couldn't. This was the end of the line. My secret was finally out in the open. I never thought it would be like this. I guess I just got careless. I just sat there as Mark stood there. I could tell he was uncomfortable, but who wouldn't be? I wonder how much he had seen. Did he see the act itself or maybe he had walked in after. I hoped it was the latter of the two. Finally Mark spoke.
"How long?" He simply asked. I let my shoulders sag, I knew I was defeated. He had seen the whole thing. I let my eyes fall to the floor.
" A few years." I said, almost silent. I heard Mark sigh. I hung my head, I knew this had to be disappointing. I heard Mark start to walk towards me. I looked up as he sat down next to me.
"Have you thought about getting help?" I shook my head. Therapy never worked. I had tried it before and I never wanted to go back. "We could set up an appointment with a psychiatrist. " Again I shook my head.
"Mark, I know you mean well but it just doesn't work." I watched Mark shift in his chair.
" I know this isn't want you want to hear but you can't just ignore this. It's won't go away." I knew deep down inside he was right. I cast a glance at my arm, the bleeding had begun to cease. I didn't want to give it up. It was so easy to just take a knife or something sharp and cut away the pain. Cut away guilt and hurt. It was better than crying. I think I have forgotten how to cry. I rolled my sleeve down, covering the evidence, like I always do. Except this time, someone knew what was hidden beneath the sleeve. I got up and started to head for the door. Mark was up in a flash and blocked the door.
"No. You're not leaving yet."
"Mark, just let me go."
"No." I needed to get out of here. I didn't want to spend another minute here.
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Now let me go." I tried to open the door but Mark stood his ground.
"Why? What do you need to do?" I knew where this was going and I didn't like it. "Are going to leave and cut? Well, guess what? You're not leaving. I'm not going to stand here and watch you slowly kill yourself." I was pacing now. I felt so trapped, trapped and ashamed. If only I had been more careful. " Luka, think about it. Today maybe it's cuts but what if one day it isn't?" Shut up, Mark. Shut up. I don't want to hear this. "What if one day it goes to far. I don't want you to end up dead." I turned on heel to face him.
"Why? I should have been dead a long time ago. Do you know what it's like to watch your family die? To hold one of your children in your arms and not be able to do a damn thing to save her?" Mark stood there silent for a moment. I couldn't believe what I had just said. Mark's face softened a little as he began to speak.
"Is that why? I had no idea. I'm sorry about your family but it's still not okay for you to do this to yourself. Please, I'm asking you, get help." I laughed.
"No. I am leaving now, so please move." Mark moved aside and I reached for the doorknob. As I started to open the door, Mark started to say something.
"If you leave, I'm calling security." I stopped.
"On what grounds?" I knew fully well, on what grounds.
"Harm to self." I slammed the door shut. " I know you don't want help. You think you can deal with this on your own but it just doesn't happen." I sat down. A minute later, Kerry burst into the lounge.
"Mark, we need you in trauma one." Mark turned to face her.
"Can you get someone else? I'm busy." Kerry gave him a look.
"No, I need you now." With those words she left. Mark turned to face me.
"I'll be back in a little while. Stay here." I waited a few minutes after Mark left before getting up. I was leaving. I opened the lounge door and walked out. I kept my head down as I passed my fellow colleagues. This was going to end today. Today all the pain, all the guilt, was going to end.
"Mark, it's not what it looks like." I lied. I wanted more than anything to run. To run away from everything and never come back. I knew I couldn't. This was the end of the line. My secret was finally out in the open. I never thought it would be like this. I guess I just got careless. I just sat there as Mark stood there. I could tell he was uncomfortable, but who wouldn't be? I wonder how much he had seen. Did he see the act itself or maybe he had walked in after. I hoped it was the latter of the two. Finally Mark spoke.
"How long?" He simply asked. I let my shoulders sag, I knew I was defeated. He had seen the whole thing. I let my eyes fall to the floor.
" A few years." I said, almost silent. I heard Mark sigh. I hung my head, I knew this had to be disappointing. I heard Mark start to walk towards me. I looked up as he sat down next to me.
"Have you thought about getting help?" I shook my head. Therapy never worked. I had tried it before and I never wanted to go back. "We could set up an appointment with a psychiatrist. " Again I shook my head.
"Mark, I know you mean well but it just doesn't work." I watched Mark shift in his chair.
" I know this isn't want you want to hear but you can't just ignore this. It's won't go away." I knew deep down inside he was right. I cast a glance at my arm, the bleeding had begun to cease. I didn't want to give it up. It was so easy to just take a knife or something sharp and cut away the pain. Cut away guilt and hurt. It was better than crying. I think I have forgotten how to cry. I rolled my sleeve down, covering the evidence, like I always do. Except this time, someone knew what was hidden beneath the sleeve. I got up and started to head for the door. Mark was up in a flash and blocked the door.
"No. You're not leaving yet."
"Mark, just let me go."
"No." I needed to get out of here. I didn't want to spend another minute here.
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Now let me go." I tried to open the door but Mark stood his ground.
"Why? What do you need to do?" I knew where this was going and I didn't like it. "Are going to leave and cut? Well, guess what? You're not leaving. I'm not going to stand here and watch you slowly kill yourself." I was pacing now. I felt so trapped, trapped and ashamed. If only I had been more careful. " Luka, think about it. Today maybe it's cuts but what if one day it isn't?" Shut up, Mark. Shut up. I don't want to hear this. "What if one day it goes to far. I don't want you to end up dead." I turned on heel to face him.
"Why? I should have been dead a long time ago. Do you know what it's like to watch your family die? To hold one of your children in your arms and not be able to do a damn thing to save her?" Mark stood there silent for a moment. I couldn't believe what I had just said. Mark's face softened a little as he began to speak.
"Is that why? I had no idea. I'm sorry about your family but it's still not okay for you to do this to yourself. Please, I'm asking you, get help." I laughed.
"No. I am leaving now, so please move." Mark moved aside and I reached for the doorknob. As I started to open the door, Mark started to say something.
"If you leave, I'm calling security." I stopped.
"On what grounds?" I knew fully well, on what grounds.
"Harm to self." I slammed the door shut. " I know you don't want help. You think you can deal with this on your own but it just doesn't happen." I sat down. A minute later, Kerry burst into the lounge.
"Mark, we need you in trauma one." Mark turned to face her.
"Can you get someone else? I'm busy." Kerry gave him a look.
"No, I need you now." With those words she left. Mark turned to face me.
"I'll be back in a little while. Stay here." I waited a few minutes after Mark left before getting up. I was leaving. I opened the lounge door and walked out. I kept my head down as I passed my fellow colleagues. This was going to end today. Today all the pain, all the guilt, was going to end.