I own nothing of the Red Dwarf characters of the Red Dwarf universe. They
are owned by the BBC and/or Grant Naylor productions.
For the purposes of this story I have chosen to set it on red dwarf with the crew dead. I have also given Rimmer a hard-light body. Got it? Good.
THE TRAVLER
Lister sat on the lower bunk in the sleeping quarters. He was alone in the room and was strumming a few out of tune chords on his guitar. Rimmer walked through the door.
"Right, get off."
"What."
"Off I said off. That's my bunk and I want you to get off."
"Hang on, are you telling me you want me to get off your bunk."
"Yes"
"Sorry I'm using it"
"For what?"
"Sitting on."
"Go and use that chair." He gestured at the only chair in the room.
"Well it's got a slight problem."
"Oh yes?" Rimmer walked over to the chair and sat down. He shifted his weight experimentally. "And what problem would that be?"
"Well about two weeks ago I left one of me socks on there, well about a week ago when I went to take it off Holly told me not to. Apparently the traces of my athletes foot fungus on the sock has combined with some component in the metal of the chair creating something that we probably shouldn't go near."
Rimmers face started off quite pale. It had spontaneously gotton approximately two shades lighter after Lister had finished his first sentence. It then proceeded to lighten by about one shade every three words. When Lister had finished talking had the lights been out Rimmer would have glowed in the dark.
Rimmer stood up as quickly as possible furiously rubbing his arse. He sniffed his hand experimentally, that rather misguided piece of idiocy caused him to faint. Sighing Lister got up and kicked Rimmer hard in the face waking him up.
"What happened there." Rimmer said groggily.
"It's probably a good thing you don't remember.
Suddenly and completely without warning a loud alert siren screamed itself into existence.
"Oh for smeg sake what now. You would think that a group of mature adults in deep space could drift around without being attacked every other day."
As soon as Lister used the word "mature" Rimmers head snapped up.
"Mature. Lister as a collective this crew is about as mature as a one-hour TV special written, directed by and starring Graham Norton."
"We cant be that bad."
"Lister last week you matted your pubic hair into the shape of a hat, drew sunglasses at the base of your shaft, painted nostrils on it's head and japs eye and drew a smirking mouth on your sack. You then gave yourself an erection and took some Polaroid's. You then swapped said Polaroid's with my bookmark. "
"Oh come on it was only a laugh and besides I was drunk."
"It was only a "laugh" because I caught you doing it."
"I think I had a slight inkling that when you opened your 'Risk strategies for advanced players' book and found a picture of some male equipment made up to look like an extra from a bad detective drama looking back at you that you might suspect foul play of some sort. An anyway where are those pictures?"
Rimmer blushed "I flushed them out of an airlock like the filth that they were." He said quickly. "And anyway what about this siren shouldn't we get to the scanner room and see what's happening?"
"Yea your probably right."
They walk at a fair pace to the scanner room. Rimmer muttering under his breath.
"Probably right, I'm looking out for his life and my afterlife and I'm probably right."
Rimmer and Lister burst through the scanner room door to find Kryten and the Cat already sitting at the console.
"What's going on." Listyer said between breaths his body not used to brisk walking speeds.
"It's bad bud." Said the Cat.
"You mean."
"Yea bud."
"It's a swirley thing?"
"Worse bud."
"A wobbly ting."
"Sorry to say it bud but it's even worse then that."
"Not a."
"Fraid so buddy."
"A wibbly thing, that's all we need." he turned to kryten. "So, Krytie what can you tell us about this thing?"
"Well not much sir. All I know so far sir is the way in which it is moving which at present is about as predicable as a romantic comedy after you have watched the first ten minutes."
"Why so predictable?" This came from Rimmer who was idly trying to open a line of communication with the whatever it was. What he didn't notice was Lister flicking the master communication switch to the off position so Rimmer couldn't give one of his famous "We surrender" speeches.
"Well sir it's predictable because at present it's heading directly for us in an obviously calculated collision course."
"That all ay?" Rimmer was turning pail again. "So what do you suggest we do?"
"Well sirs at this point it's to late to take any sort of evasive action so my advice would be to engage panic mode and hold on to something."
"Is that it?" Rimmer shouted.
"Well sir if you prefer you could hold on to something very tightly." They all did as they were advised and seconds later a crash rocked the ship.
"What's the damage." Said Lister patting himself for injuries and broken bones.
"Seems to be minimal sirs."
"Well that's a plus. Any nearer to finding out what it was."
"No sir I'm not. Might I suggest that you turn around and ask that man standing at the door."
"Kryten have you been chugging otrazone or something, what are you talking about? This crew consists of fore people and were all in the same smegging room. How can there be someone at the door."
"I agree sir that that as a devout believer in the laws of physics I was somewhat taken aback at the fact that there was someone I had never seen before standing at the door and I will confide to you sir that my first impulse was to track down the fabled creator of the universe and kick his ass. 'However' I believe the task in hand takes priority over frivolous pursuits like that now if you would just turn around sir, trust me."
"Kryten the last time I "trusted" you I ended up with you using your groinal attachment to style my hair."
The interchange was cut short by a voice coming from the door.
"I suggest you pay attention to him." Lister turned around mid rant to face the stranger
"Where the smeg did you come from".
"Earth."
"Stop taking the piss."
"What?"
"Were three million years out in deep space how the smeg could you have cone from Earth."
"What do you mean three million years. I was only meant to travel three minuets into the future."
"Ah" said Kryten.
"You've got a theory Krytie."
"Indeed sir. During our years in space we have come across various forms of time travel however when we left Earth it had not yet been invented. I believe that this is the time travel test subject. A test subject who was the victim of an unfortunate computer error which sent him three million years into the future instead of three minuets"
"Yea that's right." Said the hitherto unidentified man. Lister turned to kryten again. "But Kryten shouldn't he have just travelled in time but not in space."
Kryten took this question on board and considered it. He addressed the time traveller. "Sir under what conditions did you travel."
"Well since we haven't got a way to travel from a standstill yet the time drive had to be fitted to a fast ship. The fastest in fact. Speed was needed to relax the bonds of time in the ship and to let it slip through time without it noticing. At least that's the way I understand it. The boffins who bodged this crate together probably have a much better idea then I."
"Hang on" Lister intoned "Wouldn't they send someone who knows how all this shit works"
"And risk the life of one of there best men, you're joking."
"So who are you."
"I'm the janitor."
Rimmer looked up. "Well were both technicians (He pointed at himself and Lister) He (Pointing at the cat) is a member of a painfully slow species that evolved from the household cat. And that (His hand jerked towards Kryten) is a mecanoid whose sanity chip has been on the fritz since we found him so I think all in all you'll fit in fine."
"Hang on here" Lister cut in. "so you were moving away from the Earth when you travelled, just how long did it take to reach the right speed."
"Fifteen minuets from a vertical take off"
"Exactly. That wouldn't get you anywhere near this deep out in space."
"Well sir" Said Kryten "I've been thinking about it. Sir." He addressed the time travelling janitor. "What were the co-ordinates you travelled from."
"Um 38/57, 23/95, 12/67"
"Sir what year did you travel from."
"Year three thousand"
"Ah of course sir you must Mr Allan Traxden."
"How did you know that."
"Sir do you know what a wormhole is?"
"Work of pure science fiction."
"Well sir it was until now."
"Hu."
Kryten turned to the rest of the crew. "Sirs may I introduce Allen Traxden the man who discovered the wormhole."
"What"
"Well sir as you shifted in time a wormhole opened up and you travelled instantly through space and time and ended up materialising in the corridor of this ship. After they realised what happened to you they credited the discovery of the wormhole to you. Not just that but your responsible for something else as well but the file saying what in me data banks is corrupted"
"Congratulations you must be very proud." Said Lister sarcastically.
"You're probably not helping with that attitude." Hissed Rimmer. Meanwhile the cat what not been able to make hide nor hair of the conversation finally gave in to impulse and fell asleep under the console."
"So" Lister said trying to sound cheerful. "Your ships out in the corridor."
"Yes it's that big mass of twisted metal and broken plastic out there" Allan pointed to the doorway.
"Oh smeg. Kryten if you would prepare some quarters for our guest and maybe the rest of us can get this lot cleaned up." He gestured at the pile of debris."
Later that night after what was left of the ship was collected and placed in one of the empty landing bays the 5 of them sat around a table in a booth in one of red dwarfs bars. This particular bar was cheesaly made up to look like an old English pub. The people who designed it failed miserably in their attempts at an accurate recreation. This was shown by the fact the menu offered garlic bred.
"Well sirs good news." Said Kryten surveying the group.
"Spit it out buddy." Said the cat taking a swig from his pint of fermented milk.
"Sir if I were you I would but seeing as how you seem to like it."
"Hu" The cat grunted as everyone else got the joke.
"It doesn't matter sir the important part is that even though Allan's ship is destroyed the parts that made up the time drive were salvageable. I have managed to graft them on to one of the starbug units and with a worm hole eight hours away I believe we can get you back to your own time and place."
"Nice one." Allen said.
Eight hours later Allen was ready to depart in the modified starbug. He offered them all a lift but the Cat refused on the ground that his brain couldn't comprehend the concept that there was a time he didn't exist. Rimmer couldn't go because anywhere to far from the ship was out of the range of his projector. Kryten didn't want to go on the ground that he would probably be chopped up so that humans could find and duplicate the technology that made him possible since Allen live in a time that predated mechanoids. And finally Lister. It was a combination of factors that kept him behind. On reason was that he didn't want to go to a time he wouldn't have lived to see in the natural course of things. Another part of it was that he had grown fond of the strange bastards life had forced him to live with and didn't want to leave them.
Allen closed the airlock of starbug 1 and took of. As he left Kryten turned to the rest of the crew.
"Sirs I just remembered what else Allan was known for."
"Yes what was it." Rimmer said almost in passing.
"Well he came up with the design for starbug sirs. Not just that but the SpaceCorps paid him millions for it."
THE END
For the purposes of this story I have chosen to set it on red dwarf with the crew dead. I have also given Rimmer a hard-light body. Got it? Good.
THE TRAVLER
Lister sat on the lower bunk in the sleeping quarters. He was alone in the room and was strumming a few out of tune chords on his guitar. Rimmer walked through the door.
"Right, get off."
"What."
"Off I said off. That's my bunk and I want you to get off."
"Hang on, are you telling me you want me to get off your bunk."
"Yes"
"Sorry I'm using it"
"For what?"
"Sitting on."
"Go and use that chair." He gestured at the only chair in the room.
"Well it's got a slight problem."
"Oh yes?" Rimmer walked over to the chair and sat down. He shifted his weight experimentally. "And what problem would that be?"
"Well about two weeks ago I left one of me socks on there, well about a week ago when I went to take it off Holly told me not to. Apparently the traces of my athletes foot fungus on the sock has combined with some component in the metal of the chair creating something that we probably shouldn't go near."
Rimmers face started off quite pale. It had spontaneously gotton approximately two shades lighter after Lister had finished his first sentence. It then proceeded to lighten by about one shade every three words. When Lister had finished talking had the lights been out Rimmer would have glowed in the dark.
Rimmer stood up as quickly as possible furiously rubbing his arse. He sniffed his hand experimentally, that rather misguided piece of idiocy caused him to faint. Sighing Lister got up and kicked Rimmer hard in the face waking him up.
"What happened there." Rimmer said groggily.
"It's probably a good thing you don't remember.
Suddenly and completely without warning a loud alert siren screamed itself into existence.
"Oh for smeg sake what now. You would think that a group of mature adults in deep space could drift around without being attacked every other day."
As soon as Lister used the word "mature" Rimmers head snapped up.
"Mature. Lister as a collective this crew is about as mature as a one-hour TV special written, directed by and starring Graham Norton."
"We cant be that bad."
"Lister last week you matted your pubic hair into the shape of a hat, drew sunglasses at the base of your shaft, painted nostrils on it's head and japs eye and drew a smirking mouth on your sack. You then gave yourself an erection and took some Polaroid's. You then swapped said Polaroid's with my bookmark. "
"Oh come on it was only a laugh and besides I was drunk."
"It was only a "laugh" because I caught you doing it."
"I think I had a slight inkling that when you opened your 'Risk strategies for advanced players' book and found a picture of some male equipment made up to look like an extra from a bad detective drama looking back at you that you might suspect foul play of some sort. An anyway where are those pictures?"
Rimmer blushed "I flushed them out of an airlock like the filth that they were." He said quickly. "And anyway what about this siren shouldn't we get to the scanner room and see what's happening?"
"Yea your probably right."
They walk at a fair pace to the scanner room. Rimmer muttering under his breath.
"Probably right, I'm looking out for his life and my afterlife and I'm probably right."
Rimmer and Lister burst through the scanner room door to find Kryten and the Cat already sitting at the console.
"What's going on." Listyer said between breaths his body not used to brisk walking speeds.
"It's bad bud." Said the Cat.
"You mean."
"Yea bud."
"It's a swirley thing?"
"Worse bud."
"A wobbly ting."
"Sorry to say it bud but it's even worse then that."
"Not a."
"Fraid so buddy."
"A wibbly thing, that's all we need." he turned to kryten. "So, Krytie what can you tell us about this thing?"
"Well not much sir. All I know so far sir is the way in which it is moving which at present is about as predicable as a romantic comedy after you have watched the first ten minutes."
"Why so predictable?" This came from Rimmer who was idly trying to open a line of communication with the whatever it was. What he didn't notice was Lister flicking the master communication switch to the off position so Rimmer couldn't give one of his famous "We surrender" speeches.
"Well sir it's predictable because at present it's heading directly for us in an obviously calculated collision course."
"That all ay?" Rimmer was turning pail again. "So what do you suggest we do?"
"Well sirs at this point it's to late to take any sort of evasive action so my advice would be to engage panic mode and hold on to something."
"Is that it?" Rimmer shouted.
"Well sir if you prefer you could hold on to something very tightly." They all did as they were advised and seconds later a crash rocked the ship.
"What's the damage." Said Lister patting himself for injuries and broken bones.
"Seems to be minimal sirs."
"Well that's a plus. Any nearer to finding out what it was."
"No sir I'm not. Might I suggest that you turn around and ask that man standing at the door."
"Kryten have you been chugging otrazone or something, what are you talking about? This crew consists of fore people and were all in the same smegging room. How can there be someone at the door."
"I agree sir that that as a devout believer in the laws of physics I was somewhat taken aback at the fact that there was someone I had never seen before standing at the door and I will confide to you sir that my first impulse was to track down the fabled creator of the universe and kick his ass. 'However' I believe the task in hand takes priority over frivolous pursuits like that now if you would just turn around sir, trust me."
"Kryten the last time I "trusted" you I ended up with you using your groinal attachment to style my hair."
The interchange was cut short by a voice coming from the door.
"I suggest you pay attention to him." Lister turned around mid rant to face the stranger
"Where the smeg did you come from".
"Earth."
"Stop taking the piss."
"What?"
"Were three million years out in deep space how the smeg could you have cone from Earth."
"What do you mean three million years. I was only meant to travel three minuets into the future."
"Ah" said Kryten.
"You've got a theory Krytie."
"Indeed sir. During our years in space we have come across various forms of time travel however when we left Earth it had not yet been invented. I believe that this is the time travel test subject. A test subject who was the victim of an unfortunate computer error which sent him three million years into the future instead of three minuets"
"Yea that's right." Said the hitherto unidentified man. Lister turned to kryten again. "But Kryten shouldn't he have just travelled in time but not in space."
Kryten took this question on board and considered it. He addressed the time traveller. "Sir under what conditions did you travel."
"Well since we haven't got a way to travel from a standstill yet the time drive had to be fitted to a fast ship. The fastest in fact. Speed was needed to relax the bonds of time in the ship and to let it slip through time without it noticing. At least that's the way I understand it. The boffins who bodged this crate together probably have a much better idea then I."
"Hang on" Lister intoned "Wouldn't they send someone who knows how all this shit works"
"And risk the life of one of there best men, you're joking."
"So who are you."
"I'm the janitor."
Rimmer looked up. "Well were both technicians (He pointed at himself and Lister) He (Pointing at the cat) is a member of a painfully slow species that evolved from the household cat. And that (His hand jerked towards Kryten) is a mecanoid whose sanity chip has been on the fritz since we found him so I think all in all you'll fit in fine."
"Hang on here" Lister cut in. "so you were moving away from the Earth when you travelled, just how long did it take to reach the right speed."
"Fifteen minuets from a vertical take off"
"Exactly. That wouldn't get you anywhere near this deep out in space."
"Well sir" Said Kryten "I've been thinking about it. Sir." He addressed the time travelling janitor. "What were the co-ordinates you travelled from."
"Um 38/57, 23/95, 12/67"
"Sir what year did you travel from."
"Year three thousand"
"Ah of course sir you must Mr Allan Traxden."
"How did you know that."
"Sir do you know what a wormhole is?"
"Work of pure science fiction."
"Well sir it was until now."
"Hu."
Kryten turned to the rest of the crew. "Sirs may I introduce Allen Traxden the man who discovered the wormhole."
"What"
"Well sir as you shifted in time a wormhole opened up and you travelled instantly through space and time and ended up materialising in the corridor of this ship. After they realised what happened to you they credited the discovery of the wormhole to you. Not just that but your responsible for something else as well but the file saying what in me data banks is corrupted"
"Congratulations you must be very proud." Said Lister sarcastically.
"You're probably not helping with that attitude." Hissed Rimmer. Meanwhile the cat what not been able to make hide nor hair of the conversation finally gave in to impulse and fell asleep under the console."
"So" Lister said trying to sound cheerful. "Your ships out in the corridor."
"Yes it's that big mass of twisted metal and broken plastic out there" Allan pointed to the doorway.
"Oh smeg. Kryten if you would prepare some quarters for our guest and maybe the rest of us can get this lot cleaned up." He gestured at the pile of debris."
Later that night after what was left of the ship was collected and placed in one of the empty landing bays the 5 of them sat around a table in a booth in one of red dwarfs bars. This particular bar was cheesaly made up to look like an old English pub. The people who designed it failed miserably in their attempts at an accurate recreation. This was shown by the fact the menu offered garlic bred.
"Well sirs good news." Said Kryten surveying the group.
"Spit it out buddy." Said the cat taking a swig from his pint of fermented milk.
"Sir if I were you I would but seeing as how you seem to like it."
"Hu" The cat grunted as everyone else got the joke.
"It doesn't matter sir the important part is that even though Allan's ship is destroyed the parts that made up the time drive were salvageable. I have managed to graft them on to one of the starbug units and with a worm hole eight hours away I believe we can get you back to your own time and place."
"Nice one." Allen said.
Eight hours later Allen was ready to depart in the modified starbug. He offered them all a lift but the Cat refused on the ground that his brain couldn't comprehend the concept that there was a time he didn't exist. Rimmer couldn't go because anywhere to far from the ship was out of the range of his projector. Kryten didn't want to go on the ground that he would probably be chopped up so that humans could find and duplicate the technology that made him possible since Allen live in a time that predated mechanoids. And finally Lister. It was a combination of factors that kept him behind. On reason was that he didn't want to go to a time he wouldn't have lived to see in the natural course of things. Another part of it was that he had grown fond of the strange bastards life had forced him to live with and didn't want to leave them.
Allen closed the airlock of starbug 1 and took of. As he left Kryten turned to the rest of the crew.
"Sirs I just remembered what else Allan was known for."
"Yes what was it." Rimmer said almost in passing.
"Well he came up with the design for starbug sirs. Not just that but the SpaceCorps paid him millions for it."
THE END