Chapter 11: The Homecoming
It was November now, and tension was rising for some
reason. Though it was an odd year, Harry was still surprised when he
went into History of Magic the first time. Professor Binns, the ghost
teacher with a drone like an old vacuum cleaner, had actually been
replaced by a vacuum cleaner. When the shock had sunk in from the
classes, Harry managed to fairly well in them; he could no longer
understand a word Britney Spears was saying in Transfiguration, and
he had memorized the whole Olive Garden menu.
Some interesting/cool/stupid news came to them over breakfast
one day. While Harry, Ron, and Hermione were eating some boring breakfast,
Dumbledore announced that after the first Quidditch game of the season,
they would be holding a homecoming dance. Even though it was not really a
homecoming for anybody.
"Cool!" shouted sexless Blaise Zabini.
At this point, Draco Malfoy came over to the Gryffindor table to deliver some
heavy-duty verbal abuse. In his wake, he left thousands upon thousands of
fainting fangirls.
"Well, hello, dear old friends," he said with a smile that was like a smile,
"I hate you all, just in case you were wondering. My father says I'm better
than you."
"Go away and eat your sausage, Malfoy." Said Harry
"Screw you. Mudblood. My father."
* * *
The upcoming dance meant that once again, Harry had to find a date
or he would look like an idiot(ike I did at my Homecoming) So he had taken to
asking random people, who all turned him down. Which may have been due to
the fact that Harry had not noticed that half of them were guys. But one day,
Harry felt that time was running short, and he decided to do something. He
plucked up all of his courage, put on a suit of armor, took it off, and went right
up to Cho Chang and knocked on her door. Which turned out to be her best friend's
head. Muttering about dumbshits, the girl moved out of the way and let Harry pass.
So he spat out his well-formed plan.
"Wannagoballwime?" (Pssst.... Sound familiar?)
"What?"
"Youshouldgoballwimmecuzispeaksofasyoucantunderstandme."
"Oh! Now I get it! I'm usually a bitch in an attempt to make Hermione look better,
but I don't feel like that today. So I'll go."
Harry was so happy he turned Beethoven's 'Ode to Joy' on and danced in
slow motion down the hall.
* * *
The day for the Quidditch match had come, and none of the team was
eating anything, as usual. Only Eminem seemed to be doing anything, which was
giving a concert on the Head Table. McGonagall didn't seem to appreciate Eminem's
grabbing himself in front of her and giving her the finger over and over again.
In the locker rooms, or changing rooms to you Brits over there, Harry,
Fred, and George interestedly watched Katie Bell change. It seems as if the Wise
Founders did not have the bright idea to make two different changing rooms. When
everyone was ready, Harry gave his pep talk.
"If we lose," he said, "I will beat the living shit out of every one of you."
The team lined up in that tunnel thing to wait for the door to open. They
heard Lee Jordan's voice outside.
"I would like to start this game saying that Slytherin is a band of ugly bastards who need
to be killed."
Eminem, started rapping in the back of the group, and annoyed Harry.
"His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, Elf Spaghetti.
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To block Quaffles, but he keeps on forgetting
What the broom's for, the whole crowd grows so loud..."
Harry blocked out the words, and several seconds later, the gate opened, and they walked
out onto the field where the Slytherin team was waiting.
"Now I want a nice clean game." Said Madam Hooch as Harry shook hands with somebody.
"What's 'clean'?" asked Eminem.
"AND THEEEEEEY'RE OFF! SLYTHERIN SUCKS!" shouted Lee.
After ten minutes, Eminem had allowed for ten Slytherin goals because he was
too busy flicking off the whole crowd. Harry called a time-out.
"I'll be right back, I just need a word with Eminem," Harry told the team as they landed.
He dragged Eminem up to the castle, and up to the Astronomy Tower.
"Why the [cut] did ya' bring me up here, [cut]?"
Harry didn't answer; instead, he just pushed Eminem off the roof. He then
somehow just appeared in the stands next to Ron.
"Ron, will you be the new keeper?"
"Really? Excellent! Cliche time!"
After Harry talked Madam Hooch into extending the time-out length to an hour,
Ron emerged from the Changing Rooms dressed in full Quidditch crap, and accompanied
by much fake smoke. After he took his position, Gryffindor got like a thousand goals and
Harry caught the Snitch and all that stuff. So there was a giant parade featuring half the
cast of Sesame Street, and Lee Jordan showed off his newfound vocabulary and spoiled the
first-years' innocence.
* * *
The dance was actually kind of stupid. It reminded everyone too much of the
Yule Ball. It was a relief to see that Dumbledore had not booked REM. It turned out that
Eminem was their choice, but due to his untimely death, Millicent Bulstrode, Pansy
Parkinson, Hannah Abott and :) were all left without dates, and Dumbledore played drum
cadences on his butt cheeks.
Harry had fun dancing with Cho. Maybe a little too much fun, as Cho had to remind
him many, many times that he was grabbing the wrong places. Ron went with Hermione,
because Viktor Krum had moved over the summer to a remote Pacific Island to live in a
mansion as a playboy. Seamus went with Lavender, again, and Dean went with Parvati.
Neville went with some girl who may or may not be important to the plot, Ginny went with
Colin, and Draco went with a mirror. Yep, this ball was perfect for everybody.
After two hours or so, there was almost nobody left in the Hall, because they
had all gone outside to the bushes, or elsewhere. Harry had been waiting for this all night,
and couldn't keep the grin off his face as he and Cho headed out into the never-ending
expanse of bushes. However, they were stopped when they tripped over a stray leg poking
out of a bush. When they looked to see who it was, they found out, horrified, that it was
:), accompanied by none other than Snape.
"Well, uh.... Hello there, Potter...." :) said, staring at the shocked faces.
Harry and Cho both shouted "Unclean! Unclean!" at the same time, and ran further into
the bush-arrangement-thing.
"Ten points from your hormones!" Snape called angrily after them.
When they finally found a free bush, they began to snog. And it didn't stop there.
I'm not going to go into too much detail because I know little kids who lied about their
age are probably reading this. But I will say this, when Harry emerged from that bush,
he was truly a man.
Upon returning to the dormitory, Dean, Seamus, Neville and Ron were already
there.
"How'd it go?" asked Ron.
"Pretty good. Lost my virginity. How about you?"
"Yeah, I did, too!" Ron replied.
"And so did I!" Seamus broke in.
"Me, too!" shouted Neville.
They all stared at him in total surprise.
"Really?" Dean inquired, the shock showing clearly in his voice, "To that girl?"
"Maybe. We went up to the Astronomy Tower for some quiet love-making, but the place
was so packed we had to join the orgy and I had polished off six or seven girls before it
was over."
They all mouthed wordlessly at him. Surely, this could not be true? To end the
awkward moment, Harry spoke up, to Dean.
"And what about you Dean? Did you lose your virginity tonight?"
"Tonight? I haven't been a virgin for ten years."
Harry, Ron, Seamus, and Neville cried, "ACK!" and rushed down the stairs and to
the bathroom to wash out their ears. Or maybe not their ears, but they had to wash
something.
'Now that,' Harry thought, 'was one piece of information I did NOT need to know.'
Sadly, there is no cliffhanger. But I know how "eager" you all are to see the next chapter,
so review!
It was November now, and tension was rising for some
reason. Though it was an odd year, Harry was still surprised when he
went into History of Magic the first time. Professor Binns, the ghost
teacher with a drone like an old vacuum cleaner, had actually been
replaced by a vacuum cleaner. When the shock had sunk in from the
classes, Harry managed to fairly well in them; he could no longer
understand a word Britney Spears was saying in Transfiguration, and
he had memorized the whole Olive Garden menu.
Some interesting/cool/stupid news came to them over breakfast
one day. While Harry, Ron, and Hermione were eating some boring breakfast,
Dumbledore announced that after the first Quidditch game of the season,
they would be holding a homecoming dance. Even though it was not really a
homecoming for anybody.
"Cool!" shouted sexless Blaise Zabini.
At this point, Draco Malfoy came over to the Gryffindor table to deliver some
heavy-duty verbal abuse. In his wake, he left thousands upon thousands of
fainting fangirls.
"Well, hello, dear old friends," he said with a smile that was like a smile,
"I hate you all, just in case you were wondering. My father says I'm better
than you."
"Go away and eat your sausage, Malfoy." Said Harry
"Screw you. Mudblood. My father."
* * *
The upcoming dance meant that once again, Harry had to find a date
or he would look like an idiot(ike I did at my Homecoming) So he had taken to
asking random people, who all turned him down. Which may have been due to
the fact that Harry had not noticed that half of them were guys. But one day,
Harry felt that time was running short, and he decided to do something. He
plucked up all of his courage, put on a suit of armor, took it off, and went right
up to Cho Chang and knocked on her door. Which turned out to be her best friend's
head. Muttering about dumbshits, the girl moved out of the way and let Harry pass.
So he spat out his well-formed plan.
"Wannagoballwime?" (Pssst.... Sound familiar?)
"What?"
"Youshouldgoballwimmecuzispeaksofasyoucantunderstandme."
"Oh! Now I get it! I'm usually a bitch in an attempt to make Hermione look better,
but I don't feel like that today. So I'll go."
Harry was so happy he turned Beethoven's 'Ode to Joy' on and danced in
slow motion down the hall.
* * *
The day for the Quidditch match had come, and none of the team was
eating anything, as usual. Only Eminem seemed to be doing anything, which was
giving a concert on the Head Table. McGonagall didn't seem to appreciate Eminem's
grabbing himself in front of her and giving her the finger over and over again.
In the locker rooms, or changing rooms to you Brits over there, Harry,
Fred, and George interestedly watched Katie Bell change. It seems as if the Wise
Founders did not have the bright idea to make two different changing rooms. When
everyone was ready, Harry gave his pep talk.
"If we lose," he said, "I will beat the living shit out of every one of you."
The team lined up in that tunnel thing to wait for the door to open. They
heard Lee Jordan's voice outside.
"I would like to start this game saying that Slytherin is a band of ugly bastards who need
to be killed."
Eminem, started rapping in the back of the group, and annoyed Harry.
"His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, Elf Spaghetti.
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To block Quaffles, but he keeps on forgetting
What the broom's for, the whole crowd grows so loud..."
Harry blocked out the words, and several seconds later, the gate opened, and they walked
out onto the field where the Slytherin team was waiting.
"Now I want a nice clean game." Said Madam Hooch as Harry shook hands with somebody.
"What's 'clean'?" asked Eminem.
"AND THEEEEEEY'RE OFF! SLYTHERIN SUCKS!" shouted Lee.
After ten minutes, Eminem had allowed for ten Slytherin goals because he was
too busy flicking off the whole crowd. Harry called a time-out.
"I'll be right back, I just need a word with Eminem," Harry told the team as they landed.
He dragged Eminem up to the castle, and up to the Astronomy Tower.
"Why the [cut] did ya' bring me up here, [cut]?"
Harry didn't answer; instead, he just pushed Eminem off the roof. He then
somehow just appeared in the stands next to Ron.
"Ron, will you be the new keeper?"
"Really? Excellent! Cliche time!"
After Harry talked Madam Hooch into extending the time-out length to an hour,
Ron emerged from the Changing Rooms dressed in full Quidditch crap, and accompanied
by much fake smoke. After he took his position, Gryffindor got like a thousand goals and
Harry caught the Snitch and all that stuff. So there was a giant parade featuring half the
cast of Sesame Street, and Lee Jordan showed off his newfound vocabulary and spoiled the
first-years' innocence.
* * *
The dance was actually kind of stupid. It reminded everyone too much of the
Yule Ball. It was a relief to see that Dumbledore had not booked REM. It turned out that
Eminem was their choice, but due to his untimely death, Millicent Bulstrode, Pansy
Parkinson, Hannah Abott and :) were all left without dates, and Dumbledore played drum
cadences on his butt cheeks.
Harry had fun dancing with Cho. Maybe a little too much fun, as Cho had to remind
him many, many times that he was grabbing the wrong places. Ron went with Hermione,
because Viktor Krum had moved over the summer to a remote Pacific Island to live in a
mansion as a playboy. Seamus went with Lavender, again, and Dean went with Parvati.
Neville went with some girl who may or may not be important to the plot, Ginny went with
Colin, and Draco went with a mirror. Yep, this ball was perfect for everybody.
After two hours or so, there was almost nobody left in the Hall, because they
had all gone outside to the bushes, or elsewhere. Harry had been waiting for this all night,
and couldn't keep the grin off his face as he and Cho headed out into the never-ending
expanse of bushes. However, they were stopped when they tripped over a stray leg poking
out of a bush. When they looked to see who it was, they found out, horrified, that it was
:), accompanied by none other than Snape.
"Well, uh.... Hello there, Potter...." :) said, staring at the shocked faces.
Harry and Cho both shouted "Unclean! Unclean!" at the same time, and ran further into
the bush-arrangement-thing.
"Ten points from your hormones!" Snape called angrily after them.
When they finally found a free bush, they began to snog. And it didn't stop there.
I'm not going to go into too much detail because I know little kids who lied about their
age are probably reading this. But I will say this, when Harry emerged from that bush,
he was truly a man.
Upon returning to the dormitory, Dean, Seamus, Neville and Ron were already
there.
"How'd it go?" asked Ron.
"Pretty good. Lost my virginity. How about you?"
"Yeah, I did, too!" Ron replied.
"And so did I!" Seamus broke in.
"Me, too!" shouted Neville.
They all stared at him in total surprise.
"Really?" Dean inquired, the shock showing clearly in his voice, "To that girl?"
"Maybe. We went up to the Astronomy Tower for some quiet love-making, but the place
was so packed we had to join the orgy and I had polished off six or seven girls before it
was over."
They all mouthed wordlessly at him. Surely, this could not be true? To end the
awkward moment, Harry spoke up, to Dean.
"And what about you Dean? Did you lose your virginity tonight?"
"Tonight? I haven't been a virgin for ten years."
Harry, Ron, Seamus, and Neville cried, "ACK!" and rushed down the stairs and to
the bathroom to wash out their ears. Or maybe not their ears, but they had to wash
something.
'Now that,' Harry thought, 'was one piece of information I did NOT need to know.'
Sadly, there is no cliffhanger. But I know how "eager" you all are to see the next chapter,
so review!