Solace
A songfic by Mako-chan
Disclaimer - I don't own Gundam Wing. I also don't own Solace, wich is by the band Plum.
I'm sick, I'm tired
I cant sleep cause I'm so wired
I don't know if I can take this
I don't know how to love you
Relena looked longingly out her window. The rain made a soft pitter-patter as it hit her window. How did I let myself end up like this? she thought to herself. All day at the desk doing never ending paperwork, only to end up here and not be able to sleep. How long had she been like this? Always working, pouring out her heart and soul for the sake of peace, spending weeks touring the colonies and attending conference after conference, only to spend what little rest she had unable to sleep. Even though she longed to go to bed, something held her back, sitting in her seat by the window. She gazed out the window but her eyes focused on her reflection instead. In her heart she knew what kept her up, what prevented sleep from over taking her. Heero...... Her heart twinged painfully at the thought of his name. 'Heero, why did you run away from me? Why must you stay hidden?' She had long ago given up on ever finding him. Ever since that day, he was all she could think about. The calm, cool face she showed everyone was just a mask she put on to be Vice Foreign Minister Dorlin. Very few people knew what she was really like. They tried to make her feel better but it was no good. She had lost the only thing she had ever really wanted, and it was nights like this when she felt that loss the most. 'Why, Heero? Why......'
Tick tock inside
Tossing, turning, I feel blind
Sun is up, the rain pours in
Another day of no end
A hint of pink was showing on the horizon through the grey drizzle. Relena was a little startled to see it. She had stayed up all night, again. She walked silently over to her closet and started to get ready for the day. Some cold water on her face, a little bit of artful make up, and it was almost impossible to see the dork blotches under her eye's and the fine wrinkles on her face. Of course, they were still visible, if you knew what to look for. It didn't take much at first, but lately the signs of her insomnia were getting harder and harder to conceal. The long night finally caught up with her half way through the day, but by now she was an expert. She shut herself up in her mind, blindly going through the motions of her job, showing everyone the false front she had created long ago. 'They don't care about me,' she thought sullenly. 'They care about the Vice Foreign Minister, but they don't care about me, Relena.' Relena had never felt more alone in her life. Things had always been like that. Even at school, where she had gotten so much attention for being rich and beautiful. So many people around her and no one was really there. The thought made her want to cry, but she didn't, she couldn't. Sorrow was a privilege she could not have. She was too busy to cry, to laugh, to feel pain or joy. She had already sacrificed her own emotions for the sake of others. Only at night, when no one was looking, was she allowed to be Relena Peacecraft.
Grab it, kick it, smash it
Love it, loath it, yeah, yeah
Hold it, throw it, crave it
Searching for my solace
It was raining again. The dreary weather did nothing to help Relena's mood. She sat watching the rain hit her window and run off in little rivulets. She was restless tonight. Simply sitting was not enough tonight. She hugged her teddy bear closer to her. It was the only thing Heero had ever given to her. She stood slowly and walked to her small bedside table. In the top draw was an envelope. Inside were the only pictures she had of Heero. They had been taken by other people when he didn't know it. She and Heero dancing at a school social, Heero working on his Gundam, Heero spacing out and doing nothing, that one was her favorite. The intense look in his eyes intrigued her. 'What is he thinking about?' she wondered for the thousandth time. A single tear rolled down her cheek and splashed on the picture. 'Why?' she asked herself, but this was a different why. 'Why do I miss him so badly? Why do I want him? What is it about him that makes me ignore every one else and just morn over losing him?' She could never answer these questions. Maybe that was why she never framed any of the pictures, instead of keeping them hidden in her draw. Relena suddenly felt angry. She had no idea what to do, how to feel. Part of her hated him suddenly, hated every little thing about him, couldn't stand the sight of his face or the sound of his name. The other part wanted him to come back, to have him near her, and loved him so much it hurt. More tears falling down her cheeks, a battle raging inside her heart. She flung the small collection of pictures across the room in frustration, and the bear soon followed them. She wanted to break down completely and be able to cry freely one moment and the next to throw more things about the room in her anger. She had never felt so confused before, had never felt such conflicting emotions. She clasped her head in her hands and curled up on her bed, tears of anger, sorrow, pain, and confusion running silently down her face. The room was suddenly too small. Relena felt caged in, suffocated. Abandoning her last shred of sanity, Relena threw open her bedroom door and ran blindly through the halls of her giant mansion.
Tiptoe, bend, break
Cold night air, I start to shake
My eye's red, my tongue is dry
These long nights are never kind
She ran and ran, never stopping to think about where she was going. The physical exertion took her mind off her pain and grief for a moment. No one saw her taking her midnight walk through the dark halls. Eventually the pain in her side forced her to stop. She looked around her, unsure of where she was. The gray light that filtered through the clouds and in the windows make her familiar house seem like a graveyard. Relena's depression flooded back over her at the sight. She was to tired to cry, physically and emotionally, but she just couldn't go back to her room. She wandered aimlessly around in the gray-lit rooms, not thinking about any thing, not crying, not laughing, feeling no emotion what so ever. She floated like a ghost from room to room. The sounds of rain hitting the glass were strangely soothing. Finally, Relena found herself in front of a door leading outside from the back of the house. 'Why not?' she thought to herself. The cold night air hit her as she opened the door and stepped outside. The freezing rain stung her face but she forced herself to go on without knowing why. For what seemed like an eternity she forced herself to go on through the cold and the rain, rediscovering the grounds that she knew only by daylight. A stone bench over looked a small ornamental fishpond and Relena collapsed on it. She looked up. The fountain was a statue of a cupid-ish figure, but without the bow and arrows. 'How ironic,' she thought looking at it. Anther heartstring was twinged and a fresh reservoir of tears found their way to her eyes and spilled over, mixing with the rain already staining her face.
I tried to find it in myself
A lonely cross to bear
And then I tried looking somewhere else
And I failed
Nothing she did had ever made any difference. She had tried everything she could. When the loneliness had first overwhelmed her, she thought it would pass as she adjusted to her new life, but that never happened. The feelings only got worse. But everything would be all right she had told herself. 'I only need to become stronger, like Heero' she thought. And she did, she shut herself down and felt nothing at all. It was impossible. She could have lived like that, if she absolutely had to, but she wasn't allowed to just live, she had a job to do, a job that required her to feel. There was nothing she could do herself, so she looked other places for solace. But that was a lost cause. She had no time for hobbies, burring herself in her work didn't help either. She even tried dating, but every time all she could do was compare them to Heero. It only made her miss him more. Now she had nothing. Depression and insomnia had overtaken her. She drifted through her days, putting on her mask when she had to, wishing it was over but unable to end it herself. These were the thoughts that chased themselves around inside Relena's head as she sat, silently crying on her bench.
I looked until my luck ran out
And then I saw your face
You picked me up and brushed me off
And said...
Footsteps sounded behind her. 'It's just Rachel,' she thought. Relena's maid, Rachel, often came to visit her on long nights like these, when she could get no sleep. 'Why won't they just leave me alone!' she thought bitterly. She knew they were only trying to help, but their help was not what she needed. "Go away," she said as the footsteps drew closer. She pulled her knees up to her chest and hid her face. Rain stopped falling on her, even though she could still hear it falling, and something was put around her shoulders.
"Relena." That wasn't Rachel's voice. In fact it wasn't any voice she recognized, and yet, it seemed oddly familiar.
"Heero?" She lifted her head to look at him. He stood shivering in the rain, his jacket was around her shoulders and his umbrella was held out, protecting her from the rain. "Heero," so many things she wanted to say rushed into her throat so fast she choked on them. He held out a hand to help her up.
"You're going to catch a cold out here. Come inside."
She swallowed hard, trying to clear her throat so she could talk. "Heero, what are you doing here?"
He sat on the bench with her. "I missed you."
"Heero, it's been two years! If you missed me so much why didn't you come back sooner!?" she demanded. New tears were running down her face. She looked up into his face, into his eyes. Never before had they been so bare, so open, so full of emotion. They were unnerving and she was forced to look away. In those eyes, Relena had seen the same sorrow, the same anger, the same confusion that she had felt.
"I couldn't," he told her. "I'm sorry." Relena was to stunned to say anything. She stood up and started to walk back to the house, more confused than ever. He had finally come back to her. Why wasn't she happy? Why couldn't she run to him and tell him how much she loved him just like she had wanted to for so long? As she walked away from him rain pelted her face again.
"Relena." She stopped. "I'm sorry Relena. I'll leave you alone." She turned and saw him begin to walk off. 'Oh God,' she thought. 'It's just like last time.' She just stood there watching him walk off. 'What are you doing?!' she screamed at herself. 'Don't just sit there!' But she couldn't make herself move.
Heero turned a corner and was lost from sight. Somehow, that snapped Relena out of her stupor. "Heero!" She ran to the last spot she had seen him. When she turned the corner she saw Heero standing there, holding his umbrella down by his side. He had stopped when he heard her call. Relena stood facing him, unsure of what to say. "Heero," She began, but she couldn't say anymore. He walked over to her and looked into her eyes. She smiled, feeling peace herself for the first time in more than two years. Pink was again showing at the edge of the horizon. It was morning. Heero put one arm around her shoulder as they watched the beginnings of the sunrise through the diminishing drizzle. A gust of wind caught Heero's umbrella and he let it go, turning to embrace Relena with both arms. Words seemed so inadequate at this moment, so they stood in silence. Voices were echoing throughout the house, Relena's absence was being discovered. "We should go back," she said, and tried to walk away but Heero wouldn't let her. She laughed the first real laugh in a long time. "Don't worry," she told him. "I don't disappear suddenly like you."
Heero leaned forward suddenly and kissed her. It wasn't a long kiss, but it completely surprised Relena. "Okay," he said. "Let's go back."
Solace
The End
A.N. Okay I know that's like really corney and mushy and stuff but I just couldn't help myself. ^_^
Solace is one of my favorite songs by THE best band, Plumb. Be nice, okay cause this is my first finished fanfic, er...songfic. Whatever, the point is I finally got around to finishing one. Yeah!!!!!!!!! Ja ne!