Last Flight Out
A songfic by Mako-chan
Disclaimer type stuff: This goes along with Solace but from Heero's POV. The first part is from the end of Endless Waltz, but it may not be totally accurate cause I've only seen it twice. Oh yeah, and I don't own Gundam Wing. Phooey. Nor do I own the song Last Flight Out, which is sung by Plus One.
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Tired. So tired, but I could not stop. After all the fighting, all that had happened, there was one more thing for me to do. I had to hurry. She was dangerous, and... I forced my self to run, searching through the debris. I found it at last - a door to the control room. The door opened quietly before me. Inside, not many were left. Every so often, someone tried to pick themselves up from their collapsed position, but I ignored them all. I was focused on three people, one person, directly in front of me. She was so helpless, so utterly defenseless, but I had no choice. I raised my gun. Far off, in a voice I recognized, someone shouted. "Heero!" I pulled the trigged and she smiled at the sound that only we heard. Someone was talking, perhaps me, but they were irrelevant. I'd accomplished my mission. She was no longer a threat. At last I could rest. Black. Faintly, I realized someone caught me before I hit the floor and everything was lost.
I'm so scared that you will see
All the weakness inside of me
I'm so scared of letting go
That the pain I've hid will show
Consciousness returned painfully. I knew where I was immediately; the smell gave it away. A hospital, a large and insanely expensive hospital, no doubt thanks to Relena or Quatre. One eye slowly cracked open. Relena. She was curled up in an armchair across the room from my bed, feet daintily tucked to one side, head bent over the book in her lap. Suddenly I realized her eyes were not on the page before her, but on me. Quickly, I feigned unconsciousness. Too late. Perhaps she would think I'd fainted again. She closed the book and placed it aside. I heard her stand and start to walk across the room. "Come on, Heero. I know your awake." Drat! When did she stop being that annoying school-girl and turn into this…this woman? She was much easier to deal with when I couldn't stand her. She was beside me now, letting one hand play through my hair. Still, I remained immobile. "Fine," she whispered. "Have it your way." Wearily, she trudged across the room and sank into her chair. We spent a few hours like that; her pretending to read, me pretending to dream. I was tired, however, and soon I was no longer pretending, but truly asleep.
I know you want to hear me speak
But I'm afraid that if I start to
I'll never stop
It was late when I woke, or early, depending on how you wanted to look at it. The room was dark and my eyes took a few moments to adjust. No one was in the room with me. It was then I noticed the multitude of strange machines I was connected to. Wires were taped to my forehead, needles stuck into my arms. I felt like a machine myself, so much was the medical equipment around me. I ripped off all of it off, all but the IVs. Those I slowly removed. I'd learned long ago never to rip out a needle. The window opened to reveal that my room was on the second floor. Perfect. I was half way out the window before the thought struck. What about Relena? That stopped me. After all that work to protect her, do I now ignore her? Did I have another choice? She was too curious, too much of a romantic. If I stayed, who knows what she might convince me to do, to say. She was weak and she was my weakness. I had to leave. Wait - my weakness? I had no weakness. I was a soldier, and here, in this place with that girl, was the last place a soldier belonged. My mission was complete; Relena was safe. Whatever happened to her was no concern of mine. My leg slammed against something. I must have been pacing, though I hadn't noticed it. Relena's chair sat before me. Her book lay in the seat, an old, ragged volume. I picked it up and read the title - Romeo and Juliet. It was all the proof I needed. She was still the same hopeless romantic school-girl. The window was still open. I disappeared through it.
I want you to know
You belong in my life
I love the hope
I see in your eyes
For you I would fly
At least I would try
For you I'll take
The last flight out
A big city was my best bet, since I didn't want to be found. So the next two years were spent in one of the largest cities I could find, New York, far enough away from Relena and the others. Not that it mattered; she traveled non-stop. I never saw her in those years, save for on the news. She seemed to thrive on that kind of life, and I tried to feel happy for her. I couldn't. Never before had I had to deal with emotions, until I met her. I couldn't deal with it, so I shut them out, went on with my life as well as I could, but one refused to go away. One emotion that gnawed at me day and night, chewing a hole in my soul that nothing could fill. Jelousy. What I was jealous of took me even longer to figure out. Late one night in my filthy, one-room apartment I sat in bed watching the news. Something about Relena again, in a conference smiling and shaking hands with so many men. It flared up again, that all too familiar feeling. For a fleeting moment I thought it was for the men receiving her warm and kind smile. She used to look at me that way, not that I cared. But that passed. Such feelings were for the weak and immature. I was jealous of her. The separation that pained me so much left her unaffected, just as beautiful and kind as before. In this new era that had no use for soldiers, she was so much stronger than I. It came to me slowly, the reason leaving her pained me so. At first, I imagined it was because I no longer had a purpose, that I was left over from the war. Soon enough, however, I realized how much I missed her, her smile, her kindness, her love that could still cover those like me. She could love everybody. It was just what I needed then, in those years. Someone to accept me, care about me, but not her. It couldn't be her. She had so many concerns; I would only complicate her life, bring unwanted and unneeded pain. That kind of acceptance would have to be found elsewhere, in someone else. Such a person was never found, and I only missed her more. Still, I could not bring myself to run back to her. I longed to see her, to have her smile at me and no one else. It still remained as impossible as ever.
I'm afraid that you will leave
As my secrets have been revealed
In my dreams you'll always stay
Every breathing moment from now
Hundreds of times I tried. I started letters, picked up the phone intending to call. Many times I even bought a plane ticket, wanting to return to her. Every time the paper was wadded up in the trash, my fingers dialed some other number, my plane flew away without me as I watched it through the window. Always there was a tiny fear that stopped me. What would I say to her? Would she still accept me? Would she love me? Befriend me? Even that would be better than the empty life I now lead. What if, after all this time, she had grown to hate me? She must hate me by now. My presence had only brought pain and misery to her. Only a fool could still love someone like me. Returning would only start the cycle over again. Love was impossible for a soldier.
Friendship was not, and many times I would spend time talking with Duo or Quatre. Never about me, never more than the 'How-are-you-I'm-good' type stuff. Never did I tell them about my emptiness. They were happy; Duo with Hilde and the junk-yard, Quatre running the family business with woman all around the world clamoring to get at him. Anyone else would think Quatre's situation humorous, for the only one he had eyes for still avoided him. Not I, though, for I could sympathize with Dorothy. Eventually, even that stopped. I couldn't hear of their lives without another wave of depression washing over me, and there was no reason to burden them, too.
Night was my only solace. I learned to dream, for there I could be happy. I could be unashamed of the emotions that made me so weak. At night, I could still see Relena.
I know you want to hear me speak
But I'm afraid that if I start to
I'll never stop
I want you to know
You belong in my life
I love the hope
I see in your eyes
For you I would fly
At least I would try
For you I'll take
The last flight out
I stood again at the same spot I'd stood in many times before, boarding pass in hand, watching those in line before me board the plane. I would not invade her life. I only wanted to see her again, to know for myself how she was doing. She would not see, not speak to me. I would not ruin whatever peace she had. This was what I told myself, to convince myself to get on the plane. Too soon, it was my turn. The woman at the door glanced at my pass and waved me in. Her name tag said Rachel. Did Rachel have someone she could talk to? Would she care for a stranger? Did it matter to her weather or not any of these passengers made it home alive? Did she stay up late tormented by emptiness and unreasonable fear? Did she miss someone? Did she feel misery? Her smile was fake, but it was the falseness of someone who hated their job, not one who was plagued with longing. I forgot Rachel and took my seat on the plane.
I cannot hold back
The truth no more
I let you wait too long
Although it's hard and scares me so
A life without you scares me more
The rain pelted everything around me. The house was as dark as the night that enveloped everything. Slowly, I made my way around to the back of the house, hoping for an open door, or even someone wandering around inside. Not that the locks could ever keep me out, but I couldn't break in. Not into her house. Out of all the places in the world, hers was the only one where it would seem wrong. I rounded the corner of the house to see someone leave through a back door. The lonely figure disappeared into the rain soaked garden, but I ignored them. My attention was focused on the door they had come through. Surly it was unlocked, but no. It was just as steadfast as the others. The person. They had to have a key. I didn't want to have to see anyone else, to explain myself. Dawn was coming. I decided to just leave, find a hotel and come back the next night. Not until I was about to leave did it hit me. Who in their right mind would run into the garden at this time of night in this weather. Besides me, of course. Curiosity overcame me. Whoever it was, they were probably miserable. Perhaps... no. I was destined to be alone and friendless. Still, whoever it was, they didn't deserve to alone on a night like this. I couldn't make a friend, but I could at least convince them to go inside, out of the rain.
It took me a while to find them. The gardens were intricate and the night dark. I found them at last, sitting on a bench, hugging their knees, crying. "Go away," she cried. It wasn't until then that I recognized her. I nearly left then, but I couldn't. She was so helpless, so miserable. Who could have done this to her? Was it me? No, it couldn't be. I couldn't have cause this pain. Could I? She hated me.
I'd seen her, seen that she only presented a face to the world, seen how she really was, but what could I do? I could do nothing for her that thousands of others couldn't do better. I wanted to leave, but I couldn't. She would only hate me more but I couldn't bring myself to leave her alone and crying in the rain. At the very least, I would see that she went in, that she stayed safe. As I drew nearer, I saw that she was soaked and shivering. I pealed off the oversized jacked I wore and put it on her shoulders, then held my umbrella over her. There was no reason for her to suffer. "Relena." I wanted to say more, but what?
"Heero?" She raised her head to glare at me. "Heero," she began, then stopped, too choked with anger to continue, no doubt. Into the house, then I would leave. I held out a hand to help her up.
"You're going to catch a cold out here. Come inside." She ignored my hand. No less than I expected.
"Heero, what are you doing here?"
I sat on the bench with her, talking without thinking, finally having a chance to tell someone what had been plaguing me for years. "I missed you." Just in time, I stopped myself from saying more. She hated me. There was no reason for me to burden her with my troubles.
"Heero, it's been two years! If you missed me so much why didn't you come back sooner!?" She sat on the bench next to me, glaring at me. I cringed inside, for I longed to see her smile. She whipped her head around to stare in the other direction. I was crushed. She couldn't even stand to look at me, so much was her hatred for me.
"I couldn't." There was no other way to explain it. "I'm sorry." There was nothing I could do, nothing. She stood and stepped toward the house. I stood too. "Relena." She stopped, but she didn't turn around. "I'm sorry, Relena. I'll leave you alone." I walked away. There was absolutely nothing I could do, nothing I could say to apologize to her. Not that she would stay long enough to hear me. All that was left for me now was to go back to New York and spend the rest of my days in the dirty, one room apartment. The though of what I was going back to depressed me more. My only hope was that somehow she would be able to find what I had not, that someone who was needed for her to be happy. The path bent around a tall hedge, leading me out of the garden, away from Relena. I dropped my umbrella. What was the point? I was already soaked. The wind made me shiver. She could keep the jacket. I didn't feel like going back for it.
"Heero!" What now? I stopped and turned around. She raced around the corner and stopped in front of me. She stood there, as if she was unsure of what to say. I wondered why she had called to me. Could it be? Could it be that she didn't hate me? That she was tormented as much as I was from these past years? I stepped closer and searched her face, looking for an answer. She smiled up at me, a smile that carried none of the falseness of a mask, nor the weariness of one who has long suffered. It was a true smile, the same smile I had longed for these two years. Such a wave of emotions came over me that I was caught totally off guard. Instinctively, I put up a barrier around them, too scared to realize that I was no longer feeling depression, but rather joy. I cracked a little, letting a small smile slip through.
The drizzle was slowly fading, showing the pink edge of sunrise. I was shocked to see that morning was here already. Relena moved a step closer and I put one arm about her. We stood in silence watching the sun don its morning splendor. I was in awe of the moment, of how small and beautiful she was leaning her head against my shoulder. One last rebellious wind caught my umbrella and I let it go, turning instead to embrace Relena with both arms. Behind us, we could hear the faint echo of distant voices. "We should go back." She began to pull away and I only tightened my grip, not wanting the moment to end. She laughed at my reluctance to release her. "Don't worry. I don't disappear suddenly like you." I felt at peace, finally, knowing that she would not leave me as I had left her so long ago. For whatever strange and unexplainable reason, I leaned in suddenly and quickly kissed her. We were both shocked at this, but she didn't seem to mind. Neither did I.
"Okay. Let's back." And so we did. Side by side, we turned our backs on that dark and lonely period to start over. And maybe, someday, I would be able to tell her what had happened and how just much that moment had changed my life.
The End
A.N. Well? What did you think? Again, it was really corny and mushy and junk but oh well. I took Heero way OOC, too, but I couldn't really help myself. Tell me what you think, 'kay? I really could use some constructive feed-back.