In Black and White
By: Libitina
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters depicted here. I
am just borrowing them to have a little fun with my imagination.
Warnings: Shonen-ai content. Boys kissing, but it won't get much worse than that. Poor grammar abounds, as I have no beta reader and fail to see my own mistakes at times. I did my best, and I do apologize for any mistakes still remaining.
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His hands are cold. It takes everything I have not to pull away as he rests those ice berg hands on my shoulders. I meet his deep blue eyes. He's touching me because he wants my full attention, and more often than not physical contact is the only way to stop my mind from wandering. You probably find that hard to believe. Nagi Naoe? Has a wandering mind? Why do you think I'm so quiet? What's there to say when I'm already having the conversation with myself, in my head? I am the best conversationalist I have ever met, and this is only because I always know what I can say, and I never have to wonder if I'm being judged for a slipped word, or a shy stutter.
"You have to do this." He says sternly.
I shake my head, looking away, "No."
"You're the only one who can do it."
"No."
He sighs, fingers squeezing my shoulders so tight it's almost painful. "Nagi . . . " The word is a hiss. He's tired, and frustrated and he's just had a big argument with Schuldich, so he's not in a good mood. His patience has been worn painfully thin and he is trying very hard not to be cruel to me. I can see it in his face. Or maybe I just imagine I see it, because that's how I'd like him to be. Careful. Considerate. Caring.
"Let Schuldich do it."
"He cannot. They know him too well, and he would get into too much trouble."
Not because they know him. He'd get into trouble because he can't resist causing trouble.
"Let Jei do it."
He gives me a sharp, reprimanding look. He doesn't like it when I call Farfarello that. "He hasn't been well."
Not since that last battle with Weiss. I know this as well as the others but I had to ask. I can't just give in and let him make me do this. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. There has to be another way. "I don't want to."
"You have to. It's our only chance." The last words are said in a hushed, almost pained, manner.
I look away, unable to meet his eyes any longer. He is as scared as I am, as we all are. He just hides it better. We need help, and we need it fast. But why me? And why from them?
I know why. I just don't want to think about it. I want to forget it happened. I want to pretend it didn't happen. "Don't make me do this."
"I won't make you."
His hands drop from my shoulders and he steps back. I can't look at him. If I look at him, I'll want to do as he says. I'll want to help. We're family. I'm the only one who can do it. If I don't, we'll fall apart. If I don't, I might lose them. I have to take care of my family.
"I'll do it."
Even as the words slip from my lips I regret them. I said them though, I can't take them back.
He sighs, running a hand through his short black hair. It's a bit longer than it was before 'the incident'. I watch his fingers rub his scalp with fascination. I have always found him fascinating. I can't remember a moment when I looked at him and didn't want to touch him, just to see what it would feel like.
Even after all this time and all that has happened I still haven't touched him. He has touched me, but I've never been able to force myself to return the contact.
"Pack your things. We leave for Japan in the morning."
Chapter One -The Proposition-
It was raining, but he hardly seemed to notice as he stood before the camper where the objects of his search were. It hadn't been hard finding them, not with a telepath and precog looking for them. The hard part was going to be the part coming up. He shivered as a blast of wind cut through his wet jacket straight into his skin. He became keenly aware of the cold then and began to shiver more than he liked.
He took two steps forward, then hesitated again. They wouldn't be happy to see him, if they recognized him. 'Why am I doing this?' He thought of his 'family' and it was on this thought that he finally garnered enough courage to reach out and knock twice on the door of the camper.
It didn't take long before the door opened and a friendly and very familiar face popped into his line of vision. Vision that was quickly becoming blurry around the edges. "Hello!"
As always the youth was far friendlier than was good. He stared straight at Nagi but didn't seem to recognize him and this comforted Nagi, a little. He opened his mouth, and for a moment was terrified when it seemed no words would come out of his throat, but then he heard himself speaking and breathed an inward sigh of relief, "We need to speak."
Omi blinked, looking a little startled, "Isn't that what we're doing?"
Seventeen years old and still he managed to play the part of a complete innocent. Nagi stared at the older boy, trying hard to keep his thoughts in some sort of lucid order, "Privately." It was hard to speak, hard to continue, hard not to run away.
He was not a coward, but this wasn't his sort of thing. He didn't like speaking to people. He didn't like walking right into enemy camps. He didn't like the idea of seeing 'him' again.
"Well, what do you need to sp-" His voice trailed off as he got a good look at Nagi's face.
The silence that followed was uncomfortable and far too long. Nagi shifted from one foot to the other as he waited. He watched Omi's face closely, seeing and recognizing every emotion the other boy went through as they stared at each other. Shock. Fear. Confusion. Panic.
"The last time you showed up at our door, it wasn't for good things." Omi said finally, breaking the silence.
"Things are different now."
"Are they?" Omi repeated slowly. He looked past Nagi, perhaps looking for the rest of Schwarz, or maybe he looked away just because he didn't like to continue staring at the younger boy.
"I am not Schwarz. You are not Weiss." Nagi said after a long moment of silent thought. He held out his hand, though his fingers were shaking a great deal. He 'never' initiated contact with anyone, not even friends. "I am Nagi Naoe." His chest rose and fell in rapid, frightened breaths.
Omi stared long and hard at Nagi's shaking fingers, then he reached out and grasped them, "Omi Tsukiyono. You'd better come inside, you look like you're freezing."
He stepped back, giving Nagi room to enter. Nagi immediately moved inside the camper. It was larger inside then he'd thought it would be. He entered into a large kitchen/dining/living room area. He glanced to his right and saw a long hall that seemed to lead to the bedrooms, two small ones that appeared to be big enough for a bed and small dresser, from what he could see. He wondered if they all stayed in the camper. He could only see Omi, but there was noise coming from the closed bedroom.
"Sit, please." Omi said as he pulled the door closed and latched it to keep it shut.
Nagi felt mildly unnerved when Omi latched the door, but he reasoned with himself that it was a latch and not a lock so it wasn't as if he was trapped. In reality he 'was' trapped. These men were all assassins and he had no way of protecting himself. Not anymore, anyway. But that would change. Soon.
He sat on the little seat under the window, behind the table. When the others would come out, they would either sit in the living area (which was so close they could easily converse with him from there) or on the other side of the table. He knew none would move to sit beside him. He glanced out the window at his back, shivering at the cold air seeping through it and into the back of his jacket.
He was dripping wet, and felt almost guilty for the water pooling on the seat beneath him. "Ken, Yohji, I think you'd better get out here." Omi called when the door was closed. He looked at Nagi. He appeared to be uncomfortable, and Nagi could hardly blame him.
"Something to drink?"
Nagi shook his head. He couldn't drink, if he did he would throw up the contents. He was sick with nerves. "Ah, what's up pretty boy?" A tall blond that Nagi instantly recognized as Balinese, or rather; Yohji, stepped out of the closed bedroom and walked down the hall. He moved with an inherent grace that Nagi found fascinating. He kept his eyes carefully averted, though, after the first glance. If only because he knew he would be unable to look away if he did set his eyes on the older man too long.
"We have a guest. Nagi Naoe." Omi said, carefully stressing the 'guest' part.
A cigarette hung between Yohji's lips and Nagi focused on that for a moment, before looking at the table top. He was finding it hard to breathe. 'Oh god . . . I can't have a panic attack. Not here. Not like this.'
"Nagi Naoe." Yohji repeated slowly, "Well, well, well, you do drag in the most interesting little friends, sweetheart."
"Ken? Ken, please come out." Omi called, after giving Yohji a rather sharp look. "It's probably best if you sit down, Yohji. Things will get crowded if we all stand."
Yohji nodded and dropped his long-legged frame onto the nearby couch. He was now, essentially, sitting just down the wall from Nagi. Nagi felt the eyes of the other man on him, but focused on the strange substance under his nails. He picked at it, trying to get it out.
As Yohji sat, Ken appeared from a door down the hall that Nagi hadn't noticed. It was the bathroom, and Ken's hair was dripping wet. He was rubbing it with a towel as he walked down the hall, "What's up Ommitc-" His words broke off, his eyes landing on Nagi. The towel dropped, slipping out of his fingers, off his shoulders and landing on the floor by his feet. "Oh my god." He whispered.
Omi was surprised at Ken's reaction. Nagi could see it in the boy's face. Even Yohji looked mildly startled. Nagi wasn't though, he remembered. He 'knew', and he felt like dying when he glanced up and caught Ken's deep brown gaze. He was glad suddenly for the cold. Without it there would be no reason for his trembling.
"Ken, we, um, we have a visitor. Nagi Naoe." Omi said softly, "You dropped your towel." He closed the short distance between them and bent, picking up Ken's towel. When he was upright again, he held it out to Ken, but Ken was still too busy gaping at Nagi to accept it.
Omi looked at Yohji, then at Nagi. He was clearly confused, not expecting Ken, of them all, to react so badly.
"Oh . . . god . . . you . . . " Ken licked his lips, finally managing to make his voice work, "What are you-"
Before he could finish his sentence Nagi broke in, "The last one. The redhead. Where is he?"
"Out." Yohji responded, "Sit down, Ken. Quit gaping like an idiot."
Omi gently pushed Ken toward the couch. Ken collapsed beside Yohji, looking ill, his eyes never once leaving Nagi. Omi sat at the table, across from Nagi.
"You said you needed to speak to us?" He prompted, eager to get the conversation going. He was very curious.
'I was supposed to speak to all four, but it can't be helped.' Nagi thought as he fixed his gaze on Omi. 'Don't think about him, just look at Omi. Omi is the only one you're speaking to. He's the only one here.' "Schwarz lives."
Yohji snorted, "No kidding." He didn't sound amused, or mean really, just a little impatient as if he too was eager to learn why Nagi was there.
"But barely." Nagi continued as if Yohji had not spoken, "We have lost everything." His breath caught as he spoke. He realized this was taking a huge risk. Revealing their weaknesses to their mortal enemies like this.
"Everything?" Omi queried, obviously wondering exactly what that meant.
Nagi closed his eyes, "The . . . when the . . . it was . . . " He couldn't get the words out, because 'saying' the words meant he had to think about the event and he just couldn't. "There was damage." He finished finally, awkwardly, "You didn't know it, but a backlash of energy was released when the . . . at the . . . "
He was gasping, though he was only dimly aware of it. His hand had risen and was clutching the front of his shirt, over his heart. "Too much. It was too much trying to hold everything back. Trying to s-save them. I expended too much, and it all went." He bent forward, trying to ease the pain. Pain he knew was only in his memories.
"I don't understand." Omi said, compassion in his voice, "What went?"
"The gift. Our gifts. I over used mine, and it resulted only in an explosion of energy that robbed the others of theirs." Nagi relaxed his grip on his shirt when he realized what he was doing. He dropped his hand back into his lap, trying to calm his breathing, "I can't move things, Schuldich can no longer hear, Crawford can no longer see. We escaped with our sanity, but out gifts are gone."
"You used your 'gift' to hold the building up, didn't you?" Yohji questioned. He could remember that last battle. What he remembered most distinctly was how close their escape had been.
"Yes."
"And in doing so, you created some sort of . . . psychic whiplash that robbed the others of their gifts?" Omi guessed.
"Yes."
"So why are you here?"
"Yohji." Omi scolded sharply, "Let him explain."
Yohji shrugged, sucking on his cigarette and glancing at Ken, who hadn't moved a hair since sitting. "We are no longer needed. Without our gifts we are nothing but useless humans. We were removed from the . . . the collection." Nagi said, well aware of how badly his voice was trembling, "And now . . . and now, we have no where to go."
"Except to the door of your rivals." Yohji said, sounding quite amused.
"You are also assassins. But, human assassins and . . . " Nagi broke off, closing his eyes and wishing fervently that he could somehow reach Schuldich. But Schuldich's mind was completely closed off to the rest of the world. "And . . . and you have . . . lives outside being assassins."
"You want us to teach you how to be human." Omi said with sudden understanding and a great deal of sympathy.
"We don't how. We have all lived only for Schwarz. Only for the collective. We need to contact Kritiker. We want to join them. We want to be human."
"You 'are' human." Yohji said dryly.
"No. We weren't. We don't know how to be."
"There is no trick to it." Omi said softly, "But," He held up his hand when Nagi opened his mouth to protest, "I can understand. Your gift set you apart. I imagine when people found out about your gift you were treated like an alien. So I do understand."
"Joining Kritiker won't make you human. It'll make you a murderer. You have a chance to start anew, why not take it?" Yohji queried, his tone lazy even though his eyes were sharp.
"I am already a murderer." Nagi said softly, though that was only partly true. Because of his age he had been on few missions and had been asked to kill only a minute number. And yet his hands were stained, just like the hands of the boy who sat across from him. "I can be nothing else now."
He didn't see it coming, he was in fact staring at Omi and trying not to look at 'him', so had no idea when Yohji moved. Suddenly his neck was grasped by a very powerful hand and he was pushed roughly back against his seat. He gasped, feeling the cold from the window, the strength of the fingers clutching him and shock that he had actually been attacked. Yohji's face was so close he could smell the cigarette on the other man's breath.
Yohji held him tight enough to make sure he couldn't move, but not hard enough to cause bruises. He bravely raised his eyes and met Yohji's gaze. He let the other see how afraid he really was. He could do nothing without his gift. He was completely helpless. And after holding him as he was, Yohji knew it as well as he did. "You're just a child without your powers, aren't you?" Yohji said very quietly.
Nagi was about to speak when Yohji was suddenly pulled back. He was momentarily confused as he watched the other man move several paces away from him. Then he realized that Ken had finally moved, and had Yohji by the back of his shirt. "Leave him alone." Ken said sharply.
"We need your help." Nagi spoke quickly, just hearing 'his' voice prompted him to end this encounter, "We need Kritiker."
"We can't make a decision without speaking to Kritiker first." Omi said, looking at Yohji and Ken, then back to Nagi.
Ken was gripping Yohji's shirt so tightly his knuckles were white. His eyes were once again fixed on Nagi and he appeared to be immobile. Yohji made no move to escape the other assassin's grip. He was studying Nagi, thinking over what he'd just learnt in the last few minutes.
"I understand." Nagi pushed his way around the table and off his seat. He stood, brushing past Omi and moving toward the door, "I will leave, and return in five days."
Nothing else was said as Nagi pulled the latch free and pushed the door open. He stepped back into the cold night. The rain had stopped, at least, but he hadn't dried so it was little consolation. He hugged himself as he walked away from the camper, leaving the door open behind him.
He wasn't sure what to think. He knew only that he was terrified of what came next.
Next they would wait.
Their lives hung in the balance. Suspended by the hands of men they had once tried to kill. It didn't matter that they were acting for the collective. It didn't matter that they were under orders. All that mattered was that they had done a lot of harm, and their sins had made their souls black.
Would Weiss take pity on them? Would Kritiker accept them? It seemed unlikely. People so good, never accepted people as bad as Schwarz
White.
Black.
The two created a hazy grey when mixed, and it was never a good thing.
Those five days passed with excruciating slowness. Nagi had not lied when he said Schwarz was crippled. Without the history and identities the collective had provided them with, they were nothing. They had no way of applying for jobs, because even the most basic jobs demanded some sort of ID. Without the collective, they did not exist, so they had none. In the eyes of the world, they were not real. They were nothing but apparitions.
This had been a good thing when they had been part of the collective, and assassins. But it did nothing but harm them now that they were on their own.
When the fifth day finally ended, Nagi was no more ready to return to Weiss' camper than he had been before. In fact, he stood in front of the camper's door, hidden in shadows, for a good two hours before finally garnering enough courage to take those last steps and knock on the door.
It was immediately swung open. It was Omi who greeted him and eagerly asked him to enter.
This time all four Weiss members were present. Aya, Yohji, Omi and 'him'. Ken. Nagi avoided looking at 'him' as he seated himself by the window. Exactly where he had sat last time. Aya, Yohji and Ken sat in the living room. Yohji and Ken on the couch, Aya on the other side of the room on a chair. Omi sat across from Nagi.
"We spoke to Kritiker." Omi said, wasting no time. He was excited, and it showed clearly in his smile and his bright eyes, "They can't trust you immediately, of course, but they are willing to give your members the benefit of the doubt."
"They will grant Schwarz a commission, enough to last three months. They have provided a place for Schwarz to stay in those three months." Aya took over when Omi paused.
"You will be staying at the Cheriphyle. Your rooms will be closely monitored." Omi said, almost apologetically.
"They are going to accept us into Kritiker?" Nagi asked, uncertain what he was being told.
"No." Aya answered shortly, "You will stay with Weiss during the next three months. We will train you, and we will evaluate you. If during this time we have reason to believe you are lying about your decision to join Kritiker, or your decision to leave the collective, we have been ordered to execute you."
Omi winced, seemingly uncomfortable with Aya's speech, "After the three months are over," he said quickly the moment Aya finished his sentence, "Kritiker will consider allowing the individual members of Schwarz to join, however it will be under the condition that your team will be split up. Schwarz will no longer exist."
"No." Nagi whispered, closing his eyes tightly and forgetting a moment. He could hardly bear the thought of being taken away from Schwarz. They were his family. Weaknesses, and strengths. Good and bad. They were all he'd ever known. All he ever wanted 'to' know.
"It's the only way. At least, for a while. You have been enemies of Kritiker for a while, Nagi," Omi said gently, "Together, as a team, even within Kritiker, you would be a great threat."
"'Especially' within Kritiker." Yohji spoke for the first time that evening.
Nagi nodded, swallowing to clear the lump from his throat. He opened his eyes and licked his dry lips. "For three months?"
"We will train you in hand to hand combat, and how to use certain weapons. We won't take you on missions, unless we feel you are adequately prepared, but we will teach you a little bit about being human, and an assassin." Aya responded.
"Where will I stay? The Cheriphyle?"
"No. During the evaluation period you are forbidden to have any contact with your former teammates. You will remain here, with us. You will live as a member of Weiss." Aya's cold, impersonal tone did nothing to calm Nagi's fears.
But it wasn't Aya he was worried about. His eyes darted to 'him', Ken, of their own will. He was startled to find brown eyes fixed on him. He flushed deeply, looking away quickly. "Why me?"
"As the youngest, and a telekinetic, you seemed the least threat." There was a certain measure of mirth in Yohji's tone, and Nagi could hardly blame him.
Of all the members of Schwarz, Nagi was the youngest, yes, but with his gift he was also the most powerful. "You are also the only one we have spoken to, as of yet." Omi leaned across the table, laying his hand in the center, "Nagi, we have just as much blood on our hands." He said softly, "But, we kill for justice. Not for power."
Nagi stared long and hard at Omi's hand. It was a nice hand, but calloused, something he had not been expecting. This was the hand of a boy who had worked hard in his life. Someone who had handled more crossbows then he cared to count. Someone who had experience. Someone Nagi wanted to trust.
"Schwarz accepts Kritiker's offer of evaluation. I will return in the morning to begin my training."
-End of Chapter One-
TBC
Notes: I finally figured out how to properly use the grammatik and spell checker in WordPerfect (after gathering enough courage to 'use' WordPerfect). This is the revised version of chapter one with quite a few little mistakes fixed. I might post a further revision at a later date if I go over this chapter again and find other little mishaps.
Point of interest. Spell checker tried to replace Omi with Obi. Incidentally this made me think of; Omi wan kinomi. I need a life, or perhaps just more sleep if that sort of thing amuses me.
Another point of interest, spell checker had no clue what to do with Schuldich, Yohji, and Aya. BUT it did accept Nagi, Ken and Crawford as names. This isn't so odd, except for accepting Nagi.
Thank you to everyone for being kind about my Kritiker/Estet mess-up. I would feel embarassed but everyone was much too kind for me to 'be' embarassed.