In Black and White
By: Libitina
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters depicted here. I
am just borrowing them to have a little fun with my imagination.
Warnings: Shonen-ai content (in later chapters). This chapter contains some mild cursing.
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"Jei? C'mon Jei, this isn't funny." A tired sigh and then more banging, "Jei, open the goddamned door!"
Jei squeezed his eyes shut, pressing his hands harder against his ears. He couldn't hear. He didn't want to hear. //"Open the door,"// Schuldich's voice hissed in his head, bouncing off the walls of his skull, //"or I swear by whatever gods you believe in that I'll grab Farfarello by the scruff of his deranged neck and pull him right back into control. You hear me?"//
Jei shuddered, scrambling to his feet and wincing in pain. He grabbed the door knob and fumbled with it. His fingers were shaking badly now. Schuldich's words had awakened the fear of death in him. He swung the door open and stepped back, watching Schuldich warily.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Schuldich snapped, pushing his way into the room and pacing over to the bed, "Huh? What sick little deluded voice are you listening to? What made you think it was all right to do that?"
"You don't need them." Jei said, lifting his chin and narrowing his eyes. He was Farfarello. He could handle this. He had nothing to be afraid of.
"Don't need? You have no fucking clue! Where are they!?" Schuldich ripped the blankets off the bed, then dropped to his knees and looked under the bed. "Where are they, Jei!"
"You don't need the-"
"You have no clue what I need you miserable little cunt!" Schuldich got to his feet and knocked the lamp off the night stand. He searched the night stand frantically. Swinging each drawer open and growling when he saw every one was empty.
Jei backed up to the door. Schuldich's anger, when incited, was never a pleasant thing to behold. He rarely lost control, so he had little experience with getting it back. He let out a startled yelp when he bumped into a body. He whirled around, relieved to see Crawford was the on he'd bumped into. Crawford's deep blue eyes were fixed on Schuldich, who was now searching the drawers of the dresser.
He held out his hand. Jei reached into his own pocket and quickly dropped the little white envelope he'd stolen from Schuldich' room earlier onto Crawford's palm. Crawford tucked the envelope into his coat pocket while Schuldich's back was still turned to them. "He doesn't have them, Schuldich." He said calmly.
Schuldich jumped, slamming the drawer he had been searching shut and stalking across the room. "What do you know? Where are they?" His voice was deadly cold now. No longer loud with desperation.
"They're gone." Crawford moved around Jei so he was standing directly in front of Schuldich, "And you won't be getting anymore."
"Fuck." He sneered into Crawford's face. American swear words had always been his favorite, especially when he discovered Crawford's lineage. He stepped around Crawford and brushed past Jei on his way out of the room.
"Where are you going?" Crawford asked calmly, back still to the door.
"To get more."
"You're not jeopardizing this mission." Said coldly and with control.
Schuldich hesitated, his hand reaching out and grabbing the door frame. His shoulders sagged and his head dropped. Jei stepped away, watching with a certain measure of pity. "I can't handle this." His voice was a mere whisper, Jei had to strain to make sense of the words.
Crawford turned and stepped over, laying his hand on Schuldich's shoulder. "How bad is it?" His voice was uncommonly gentle. There was compassion in him, Jei knew this, it was just rarely seen that it was surprising.
Schuldich whirled suddenly. His arms wrapped around Crawford's waist and he buried his head in Crawford's chest. His body was shaking, Jei could see this clearly from where he stood. "Please." Schuldich's voice was the despairing whimper of a hurting child, "Please. I ~need~ it. Please."
Crawford returned Schuldich's fierce embrace. He dropped his head, kissing the side of the dull red head pressed against his chest. "You don't need it. You want it, but you don't need it." He said softly.
Schuldich growled, "Fuck you." He pushed against Crawford's chest, stumbling away from the embrace. He presented his middle finger to the leader of Schwarz, them stormed down the hall.
Crawford sighed, reaching up to push his glasses higher up on the bridge of his nose. He turned his deep gaze onto Jei. "When did he get them?"
"Early this morning. I found them by accident." Jei said quietly. He had known what they were immediately upon laying eyes on them. Magic powder, condensed into pill form. They enhanced your gifts. Made them more powerful, more extreme. It created a mental high not quite like any other drug on the 'human' market. Schuldich had been an addict before joining Schwarz, and it seemed he was falling into old habits.
"If you ever find them on him again, I want you to take them."
Jei nodded, "I know."
Crawford stared at the open doorway for a long time before speaking, "How are you doing?"
"How do you mean? Farfarello hasn't tried to resurface..."
"I don't care about him. I want to know how 'you' are doing." Crawford fixed his gaze on Jei.
Jei found he couldn't look away. He reached up, tracing his finger over the scars on his left eye. "I miss..." He stopped himself before the word slipped out.
Crawford's lips tilted. It wasn't a smile though. More like a grimace. "I'm sorry."
Jei shook his head quickly, "Not your fault."
"It is. If Farfarello does begin to surface, tell me." And then he left, leaving Jei alone to clean up the mess Schuldich had left behind.
Chapter Four -Over Emotional-
Time passed swiftly. He got used to life with Weiss a lot easier than he thought he would. They weren't bad, and for the most part he didn't spend time with 'him', so it wasn't very hard. The evenings were the only time he felt uncomfortable, but during the day he did all right. He actually started to have some fun, and he certainly learned to respect Yohji Kudou. The man was incorrigible at times, but he was also very honorable.
A muted version of Schuldich, which is why Nagi trusted him. Hand to hand combat turned out to be a lot harder than he thought it would be. He was small and had little power behind him. But Yohji was patient and worked with him for a few hours every day.
Before he knew it three weeks had passed, and he felt as if he'd always been where he was.
He looked up from watering the roses, shocked when he saw a very familiar form across the table from him. "Jei!" He gasped, then put the watering can down and looked around to see if Ken and Yohji (who were outside with him) had heard. They were busy with customers and had their backs to him.
"Hello Nagi." Jei said softly, smiling.
"What are you doing here?" Nagi asked anxiously.
"They said we couldn't live together, they didn't say I couldn't come to visit." Jei said with a little laugh. He reached out, grabbing Nagi's hand. "Look at you. You've gained weight."
Nagi felt heat fill his face. He glanced at Yohji and Ken once again. The customers were gone and Yohji had turned and was heading his way. "Go! Before they see you." He hissed.
Jei shook his head, "No." He said firmly, "Nagi. I'm not going anywhere until I get to talk to you."
"Hello, hello," Yohji said cheerfully as he came up behind Jei, "How can I he-" His greeting cut off when he recognized the face of the man grasping Nagi's hand.
Jei looked at Yohji, his gaze steady and unashamed. "Lovely day for a walk." He said evenly, lips tilting in the shadow of a smile, "Mind if I steal him for a bit?"
"Actually. I do. If you want to take him for a walk, then I'm going to have to insist someone go with you two." Yohji responded, his tone just as even.
Ken had noticed the newcomer, and was now standing beside Yohji. "Ken. Go with them."
"No!" Nagi gasped before he could think to stop himself. He noticed three sets of eyes pin him. Confused green eyes, worried gold eyes and dark brown eyes. He looked down at his feet, "I... I... I mean, I don't want to go for a walk."
"Nagi. It's been three weeks. I just want to know how you're doing." Jei said, keeping his tone carefully subdued.
"I'm fine!" Nagi pulled his hand out of Jei's grasp, "See? I'm fine. I'm fat. I'm ... I'm warm. I'm not being beaten, or brainwashed. I'm fine!" His agitation was born more from the thought of having to go for a walk with Jei and Ken, then anything else.
As always anytime Ken was near he turned into a complete idiot. He stepped back, shaking his head quickly and trying to clear his thoughts. The three men staring at him were all startled by his outburst, but he couldn't stop.
Jei placed his hands on the table. He gave Yohji a decidedly unfriendly look, "What have you done to him? He's an emotional wreck."
Yohji rolled his eyes, "That doesn't have anything to do with him having to deal with murdering innocent people since the time he was a baby? Yeah. Sure. We have him for three weeks and let him live a semi-normal life and 'we're' the ones who've made him an emotional wreck."
"He never had problems with his emotions. He was always perfectly composed." Jei countered, "He certainly neve-"
"SHUT UP!" It was too surreal. He spun on his heel and ran from the scene that was more like a bad dream than reality.
Jei was right. He was a wreck. He didn't hide from his emotions anymore. He couldn't. Panic attacks. Emotional outbursts. Fear so intense he could barely breath. It was insane, but he couldn't stop..
He wasn't sure how long he ran, or where he was really, but when his legs felt like jello and they couldn't hold him up any longer he collapsed and just knelt on the ground panting for air.
What was he going to do?
There were nine weeks left. He couldn't leave. Much as he wanted to escape the madness that surrounded Ken Hidaka. He bent forward until his forehead rested against the cool grass. He dug deep within himself, searching for the gift. The gift had brought him control. The gift had been what gave him confidence in himself. The gift was his strength.
He dug desperately, touching upon it and crying out in pain. This time he didn't withdraw with the pain. He pushed, harder and harder, trying to grasp what he needed.
Around him a heavy wind began to blow. The grass bent, and the leaves were ripped off the trees and began to swirl in the air.
Jei and Yohji stared at each other. Nagi's little outburst had been a shock to them both. Nagi Naoe wasn't the type to have such outbursts. But then, neither was he the type to have a panic attack. Jei sighed and shook his head, "It's just what I thought."
"We 'aren't' abusing the kid." Yohji said sharply, looking at Ken, "You'd better go after him."
Ken nodded and reluctantly, or so it seemed to Jei, headed off in the direction Nagi had run. "I know you're not." Jei smirked, "That's not what I meant. Do you know anything about him?"
"Not much. He joined the collective when he was nine or something like that." Yohji responded cryptically. He watched Jei closely, warily.
"He witnessed his mother being brutally raped." Jei said bluntly, "That's when the gift came upon him. Crushed the bastard who was attacking his mother. If Schuldich wasn't exaggerating, he crushed him from the inside out. It was a messy scene, apparently. His mother wasn't very happy. She was scared of him. Her little devil child. She brought him to a church to have the priest pray over him, then conveniently forgot him there when she headed home."
Yohji watched Jei with narrowed eyes, trying to figure out why Jei was sharing such personal information with him.
"He was a baby." Jei murmured, forgetting for a moment who Yohji was. "The collective heard about him and claimed him. They taught him about his gift, and he, in turn, buried himself in the gift. He stopped being a boy, and started just being the prodigy. The prodigy didn't feel. The prodigy didn't have to deal with fear, guilt, shame, pain, or love, joy, excitement. It was a double-edged sword, but it was a relief from what he'd had to deal with before. He was our prodigy. A little machine. Perfectly composed."
Jei rubbed his thumb against the table top and watched thoughtfully. His lips tilted, "This is the first time I've seen him show any real emotion."
"Your point?"
"I didn't like the idea of him being here, but I think Weiss will be good for him. Maybe you'll teach him about the boy, Nagi, and help him forget the prodigy." Jei carefully snapped a rose off it's stem and held it to his nose. "Hmm... tell him I said goodbye."
"Nagi?" Ken stared at the wild leaves swirling all around him. He felt like he was in the center of a tornado. He reached up, grabbing at a few leaves that whirled past his head.
Abruptly the leaves dropped to the ground and the heated wind stopped. Ken clenched the leaves in his hand tightly, staring at the small form curled up just a few feet from him. He could see Nagi's back rising and falling as the boy gasped for air. Ken opened his mouth to speak, only to realize he had no idea what to say.
Nagi slowly turned, and soft grey eyes that were normally so devoid of any emotion stared at Ken with abject fear. Ken winced, shifting his weight to his left foot uneasily. He didn't want Nagi looking at him like that. It made him feel like the world's biggest ass. Maybe he -was- the world's biggest ass and no one had bothered to tell him yet. Not even Omi, who knew his secret now. But Omi was much too kind to tell Ken what an ass he was, so he couldn't trust Omi's opinion.
"I'm sorry."
"I didn't know!"
The two stared at each other in surprise. They had spoken at the same time. Ken soft and hesitant, Nagi fast and agitated. Ken smiled, trying to ease Nagi's fear, "You didn't know what?"
"That... that my powers... that I can..." Nagi trailed off, looking very confused.
"When did they return?" Ken queried, kneeling down so they were eye level.
"They... they haven't really but if I ... try very hard I can touch them." Nagi said very softly, eyes still wide with trepidation.
Ken nodded, "Well, it was only a matter of time before they returned, right? They're part of you."
Nagi looked surprised at this, but he nodded, not speaking. Ken opened his hand and stared down at the crumpled leaves he was holding. "So, um... I haven't been able to catch you alone." He said awkwardly, "I really wanted to talk to you about... well, that time."
Nagi was quiet, so Ken continued, "I just wanted to apologize." He blurted, "I shouldn't have done what I did. You know, the uh... the kissing. I guess, um, I guess I wasn't thinking too straight, just then."
Nagi moved and Ken raised his eyes to watch as the boy crossed his legs and rested his hands on his knees. He couldn't read the expression on Nagi's face, but at least the boy wasn't looking scared anymore. Maybe a little puzzled, but not scared. "I can't say I didn't enjoy it," Ken whispered, startling himself by saying that aloud, "But I won't do it again!" He added quickly, "I swear, Nagi. I won't ever do that again. No matter how messed up I am in the head. I have definitely learnt my lesson, and now I know it makes me feel like shit to kiss defenseless little kids." Probably not the best choice of words, he knew this as he watched Nagi flinch and look away.
"I mean-"
"Ken? Nagi?" Ken stopped speaking when he heard his name being called. He looked up and watched with a little mental sigh as Omi walked over to them, "What are you guys doing?"
"Just taking a break." Ken said quickly, easily lying, "I was feeling a little fuzzy, being around all that pollen all morning, so Nagi agreed to go for a little break with me."
It wasn't a terribly solid lie, he could tell from the odd look Omi gave him, but it was the best he could do under the circumstances. Omi, of course, knew Ken's little secret so the idea that Nagi would willingly go anywhere with Ken seemed slim at best. Nagi got to his feet, but the moment he was upright he wavered unsteadily and reached out, grabbing the nearest solid object, which happened to be Ken, who had also gotten to his feet.
Ken grabbed Nagi's arm, staring down at the boy anxiously. "Nagi?"
Nagi lifted a shaking hand and pressed it to his forehead. "He's really pale." Omi said softly, "Are you feeling okay, Nagi?" He asked, speaking slowly, as if he was afraid Nagi wouldn't understood if his words were spoken with haste.
Nagi leaned heavily against Ken, a shudder moving through his tiny frame. Ken tightened his hold on the boy, He was concerned that if he let go Nagi might fall. The boy really didn't seem very steady at the moment. "I'm okay." Nagi whispered, though he still made no move to get away from Ken.
"Let's get him back to the camper." Ken said, letting go of Nagi's arm and wrapping his arm around Nagi's waist instead.
Nagi stiffened, but once again did not pull away. Ken felt worry grip him hard. This wasn't good. Nagi Naoe not flinching away from his touch? That wasn't good at all. He felt so worried his head began to spin. He easily lifted Nagi, not wanting to waste any time, and carried the boy to the camper.
"How is he?"
"Different."
"How so?"
"More emotional." A soft laugh, "I don't believe I've ever seen him show much emotion. He's changed."
"Is he becoming a-"
"No. No, he's not."
A tense silence, as the two stared at each other. Then slowly Crawford's lips tilted up in a smirk, "How emotional?"
Jei's eyes narrowed suspiciously, "Quite a bit."
"Perfect."
"Crawford."
Crawford looked away, smirk still on his lips. Jei didn't like that expression at all. He knew Crawford too well, and knew that Crawford didn't look so satisfied unless he had done something.
"Crawford, what have you done?"
The smirk faded, "What have I done?" He repeated, as if he didn't understand the question.
Jei's gaze hardened, "You did something."
"I merely issued an order, and it would seem it is being carried out."
"What order?"
"That isn't your concern."
"What ORDER!?"
"He was ordered to pull as many strings as possible. To appear as weak as is possible, and to play on Weiss' pity."
Jei sat back, "You ordered him to act like an emotional idiot, so that they'd feel sorry for him?"
"It'll work. Weiss is too kind not to fall for it."
Jei shook his head slowly, that would explain Nagi's extremely odd behavior. He stared at Crawford, long and hard. He didn't like this, not one bit. "They should like him for who he is, not who he's pretending to be."
"This isn't about liking or disliking." Crawford said, frowning at Jei, "This is about fulfilling our duties."
Jei looked down, scowling at his hands, "Is Schuldich monitoring him, at least?"
"No. We're not sure the extent of Kritiker's abilities. It would be too dangerous for Schuldich to keep in contact, just in case Kritiker has a way of monitoring telepathic communications." There was a short pause from the stoic man, then; "Why does this bother you so much?"
"I had hoped, that Nagi Naoe was finally being allowed to just be himself." Jei admitted, immediately answering the question. "That not having the gift was allowing him to learn who he was without it." He looked up, gaze sharp, "We all know who we are when all is stripped away. Schuldich, yourself, and me. We know, because we've had a chance to discover it. But what about Nagi?"
"Even if this was a good opportunity for him to just be a boy, and not the prodigy," Crawford said carefully, "It is not the right situation. He shouldn't discover himself surrounded by his enemies."
"Maybe this is the only chance he'll get."
Crawford sighed, "Jei."
"Who are you, Bradley Crawford?"
Crawford jerked, seemingly surprised by that question. He turned his dark blue gaze on Jei, staring hard at the scarred man before him. He pushed his glasses higher on his nose, and frowned. "That isn't the issue."
Jei smiled, "You don't know how to answer the question?" He said with surprise, "I guess I was wrong. Maybe you haven't figured out who you are, yet. Maybe you're just as lost as Nagi."
"And you, Jei. Could you answer the same question?"
Jei nodded, "Even with Farfarello whispering in the back of my mind and confusing my thoughts, I know who I am. I don't deny my emotions, or my moral code."
"Moral code? You have murdered innocent children, participated in-"
Jei held up his hand, wincing and looking away, "Please. That wasn't me. That was Farfarello." He clenched his hand into a fist, "And the fact that I'm able to accept that, just further proves that I know who I am."
"So you believe knowing who you are is about accepting your emotions?" Crawford queried, a mocking tone in his voice.
"No. That's part of it, but not all of it. Can you say that you accept and act on your emotions?"
"It's not always wise to act on emotions."
"It's not always wise to ignore them either."
"This has ceased to be a conversation about Nagi." Crawford said with amusement.
"Why... can't we be?"
Crawford sighed, "I explained this."
"Explain it again. I miss..." He still couldn't get the word out, even now when he so desperately wanted to share how he felt.
"Don't."
"Are you and Schuldich together?"
Crawford was surprised by the swift change in topic. His facial expression didn't change much, but Jei knew Crawford well enough to recognize the subtle changes that did occur. "That is none of your concern."
"Are you?"
"Jei."
A warning, and Jei heeded it. He stepped back, "Right. Perhaps I'll ask him. He might be more willing to answer."
"Don't ask him."
"I want to. I'd like to know."
"It doesn't matter."
"It does to me." Jei laughed, reaching up to caress the scar on his left eye. He wasn't sure why he was pushing it so hard. He knew he wouldn't be happy with the answer and he knew it didn't matter in the end. They had made their decision long ago and he knew Crawford well enough to know the man would not change his mind. "I'm sorry. You're right. It doesn't matter."
Before Crawford could answer, and Jei knew he wanted to because the man's mouth opened, Jei turned and hurried out of the room. He didn't want to talk about it anymore. A conversation that had started over Nagi Naoe, his little friend, had turned into something entirely different. Something uncomfortable and awkward. Something he wanted to escape.
'I'm doing it for them; my family.'
Pain. He was hot, and cold. His head hurt. He curled onto his side, not sure where he was but not caring at the moment. He pressed his hands tightly against his chest, holding his body extremely still.
'I'm doing it for them...'
"Nagi?" He flinched away from the outside noise. Rebelling immediately upon hearing the voices of those he hated most at the moment.
'My family...'
"What happened?"
'Doing it...'
His chest felt as if it would burst, and maybe... it would?
'For them...'
"Shit!" A hand touched his forehead and quickly jerked away. He was glad it did. "He's burning up!"
"What happened, Ken!?"
Nothing made sense. He brought his knees as far towards his chest as he could manage. 'Schuldich...'
//"Hey kiddo."//
He gasped when his silent plea actually received a response. He flinched as well, pulling away from the pain that mental voice caused.
//"Shite. You're in bad shape, aren't you kid? I'm going to get the fuck out of your head. Tell those bastard's to get you some happy pills. Okay, kid?"// It was agony to listen, but he nodded his head in answer to the question and felt Schuldich leaving his head once again.
It hurt worse now than it had before. He cried out sharply when he felt hands touch him. He jerked away as best he could, and lashed out the only way he knew how. He heard someone cry out, someone cursing, and something crash against the wall, and then the world went blissfully black.
Ken chewed on his lower lip, watching Nagi's prostate form with a worried frown. "How is he?" Omi popped his head into the room, glancing at the bed where Ken was sitting and Nagi was lying.
"Same. Hasn't moved since he passed out." Ken said shortly. He didn't mean to be short with the boy but he was worried beyond all reason.
"Aya called Berman." Omi said quietly, "Um, she's sending someone over to look at him."
"Do you think he'll be okay?"
"Did you tell him?"
They stared at each other, then laughed nervously. They had spoken at the same time. "Yes, I think he'll be okay." Omi said with a smile.
"I apologized."
"What did he say?" Omi stepped into the room and closed the door carefully behind him.
"Nothing. Before he could say anything you arrived and then things went crazy."
"What do you think happened?"
"Well... shortly before we spoke he used his power."
"Like when he slammed Yohji into the wall?" Omi asked, smiling slightly.
Ken nodded solemnly, "Yeah. Like that."
"How long has he been able to access his power?"
"Not long, so far as I can tell."
"This is going to make things complicated." Omi sighed, "Kritiker won't be happy."
"You're right." Ken agreed, "This changes everything." And he hoped it wouldn't change things for the worse. The worse being that Nagi Naoe would be taken away. He didn't want that. Much as the boy confused him, he wanted to be able to get to know the powerful, and yet fragile teenager.
-End of Chapter Four-
TBC
Notes: I haven't gone over it to correct anything yet, so I apologize for the grammar and spelling mistakes I'm sure abound throughout this chapter. My reason for posting it in this raw format was simply so that anyone who was waiting could read it, and also because I just haven't felt like correcting anything lately. When you don't have much time in the first place you don't want to spend what time you do have correcting. You want to spend it writing new material. I'm just impatient I guess. Schuldich, btw, swears in several different languages, if only because I feel as if he's intelligent enough to do so.
The conversation between Brad and Jei may seem a bit confused, but in later chapters the reason behind their oddness will be revealed. I'm sure some of you have interpreted the hints already. Keep in mind, Jei has no control over when Farfarello takes control, and for the most part when Farf is in control Farf stays for a long time. Jei has only been given free reign of his body a few times since Farf first appeared (IE when he murdered his mother). But Jei has all of Farf's memories, which is why he can fit so easily within Schwarz. Of course, they would never send him on missions since he is a pacifist... surprised. Well, this is my version of Jei/Farf, so, you should be.
Oddly enough Jei seems to be a mixture of Schuldich/Nagi/Ken. You see the Schu side of him when he's speaking to Yohji, the Ken side of him when he's being all horrified about Farf's actions (honorable, considerate, kind, etc... all things you find in Ken) and you see the Nagi side of him in his strange vulnerability (though usually Nagi's vulnerability is hidden well behind his mask of apathy).
If you thought Nagi being emotional was OOC, then you were correct. For the most part... he's playing it up. Ah, ah, you may frown upon this all you want, but Nagi simply does not behave like that. Even if he WAS thinking such thoughts, he would never let his control slip enough to display them openly. So, for the most part, anything he does, and says, is being greatly upplayed. If that's a word. Everything he thinks and feels is real, just under normal circumstances he wouldn't allow those emotions to show.
Now, I'm done. I shouldn't have written all this, and I shouldn't post it, but I know I will. Then you can all know what a weirdo I am and run in fear. Yes, yes, fear me. As well you should.
Thanks to: SilverWolfe, Shy (*l* Hm... Shy sounds like a good name for Omi's girlfriend. ~_^*), just a reader, Misura, newtypeshadow (wait and you shall see if Nagi has other powers).