AN: Yet another randomly begun fic. SxS - with plot!
Disclaimers: ff8 characters are © Squaresoft
Warnings: Angst, language and SxS
---ULTEMECIA SQUALL---
As my eyes close I allow my grip on time compression to slip, feeling the energy rush back into my bruised and battered body. I can feel Odin and Eden repairing the damage caused by lionheart. Now it hurts. Now the pain is a living creature writhing in my body. I open my mouth to scream, but no sound emerges. I hurt too much for a simple scream to express the pain.
But I deserve this pain. This is my penance for all the suffering I have caused in the selfish pursuit of my own goals. Although, everyone who has died by my hand, or my commands, after Seifer died, will be spared the ordeal if I am successful. Still, if this pain is my penance, then I do not believe it could ever hurt enough.
Gradually, as my body is rebuilt, the pain eases and fades. I feel as though I am floating, which I suppose I am. Floating in time, without anchor or limitations. But I cannot, much as I would love to, lose myself in the soothing balm of time, still and calm as it so rarely is. Somewhere, I must meet two earlier instances of myself, and I must change my destiny.
I think back to my words, spoken only to my earlier self, knowing that those words were the reason I ended up in my past. At the orphanage. Even as I think of my shock to see Ultemecia appear, I realise why she' only appeared after I had. Simply because I cannot remember the instant before I arrived, and so I can only appear after he is there... At least, in that location. If I could remember where I looked for sis, before deciding I couldn't find her...
---SEED/GAME SQUALL---
Ultemecia's words threw me off balance, although I refused to let it show. After Irvine vanished I realised that we were no match for her. She was toying with us all the way through the fight. I bet even Griever was in on it. But, why? Was it just a game? A way to amuse herself? She wanted to die. And for some reason, she wanted to die by my hand. Why else get rid of all the others? And why not block my attacks – I know she could, if she wanted to, but she didn't.
Reflect on your childhood? Why? I mean, I know I'm an orphan, we're all orphans, all of us who fought her. So why should I try and recall a time that probably wasn't my happiest. Especially with the bits and pieces I can remember – with Ellone's help – of losing sis. A psychologist would probably say all my insecurities stem from there... Of course they do! I'm not stupid, hell, I'll freely admit – to myself – that yes, I have my insecurities. I don't trust anyone because I'm afraid that if I do, they'll leave. Of course, logically I know, that's ridiculous, but then again... The only person I opened up enough to trust after Ellone left was Seifer, fucking hell! I fell in love with the guy... And what happens, every time he sees me he proceeds to kick my ass, and then he leaves as well, and I end up fighting a war against him. So sure, I'm insecure, because each time I've dared to try and prove myself wrong, fate ends up proving me right.
Your sensation, words, emotions? Again, why? I've learnt to control my emotions, and I never say anything that I'm not completely sure of. The only person who could, who can, affect that control is Seifer. I don't know... no, that's a lie, I know exactly why Seifer can get me to react and the others can't. There's one big difference. I love Seifer. I know, everyone thinks that me and Rinoa are the perfect couple, but I know we're not, and so does she. Underneath the wildly optimistic exterior is a realist. It's almost like Selphie, only, I'm not supposed to know that her wild antics – rivalling Zell for energy wasting – are a cover for someone who's actually struggling with depression. I remember that from the fragments of memory Irvine sparked at Trabia. Hah, the orphanage again.
I guess, since I can't avoid the memories, I might as well see where they lead me...
The call – unmistakeably Rinoa's – echoes throughout the darkness. Let's go home, where are you? Where the hell does she think I am? But then again, where am I? The echoes make it difficult to say, but I hesitantly take a few steps towards where I think the voice is coming from.
Squall! Where are you going? I shake my head as Rinoa's voice distorts and becomes that of Edea. Matron. Oh shit... I hear quick steps, then a sudden shrill voice pipes up.
I'm gonna find sis... No! I shouldn't be here! Damn Ultemecia! I suddenly realise that this is why she spoke to me, and me alone. My thoughts, my traitorous thoughts, have brought me back in time to the orphanage.
I turn, the voices no longer echoing as the orphanage fades into view. It looks beautiful, not like the ruins that are left in my time. Excuse me, have you seen a little boy? I wonder if she can see the tears that feel on the verge of falling. This is a time of innocence. I should not be here to corrupt it with the cynical view and bloodstained hands that all I have seen and done have given me.
You don't have to worry. The boy won't go anywhere. I guess that was mostly thanks to Seifer, come to think of it. Every time I got near the gates, he would suddenly pick a fight with me. A good thing I guess, considering that the monsters of Centra were far too powerful for me back then. Seifer however, was at the same level, and I gave him a bloody nose or black eye as often as he gave me one.
I think so too, poor thing... Edea trails off, eyes focussing on something behind me. I turn, in no way expecting what I see. Ultemecia, walking calmly towards us, uninjured. But what shocks me most is that she is carrying my younger self in her arms. Although, after a moment, I realise that the child me doesn't seem to mind, in fact, I frown, seems to trust the sorceress. What spell has she cast on him...me?
...You're alive!? Damn, I barely restrain myself from hitting my forehead in frustration. Obviously she's alive. Alive and well, oh yeah, and holding you as a child in her arms! Idiot! Still, I guess some confusion in this situation is acceptable. I glance at Edea, who is suddenly looking very apprehensive. I wonder why? My frown deepens as I look back to the sorceress.
There is a pause, only very brief, but filled with tension. Now why would Edea be hesitant to call Ultemecia a sorceress? Surely as a sorceress herself she can feel the presence of another, or however it works. I'm sure Rinoa mentioned something along those lines when we breached the Lunatic Pandora defences. Yes, because it was Rinoa – with a few subtle gestures that the others didn't catch – who indicated to me where we should go. Not that I would've minded her taking the credit, but... I'm drifting off track, and I know it. With an irritable shake of my head, I mentally smack myself one and return to the issue at hand.
Yes Matron. We had defeated her... Well, I thought I'd defeated her. Obviously I was wrong about the whole wanting to die at my hands' bit. She's still playing her twisted mind games, or maybe her games are more sinister. I'm beginning to wonder if she intends to kill me as a child, that would cancel my existence, and I wouldn't be around to defeat her. But then why fight us at all? Why not just compress time and kill us as children whilst our older selves fought Griever?
It's OK, no more need to fight, that...sorceress...is just looking for someone to pass her powers onto... Again, there's hesitation as matron names Ultemecia a sorceress. What in Hyne's name is going on? In order to die in peace a... a sorceress...
Ultemecia's sudden snarl is accompanied by a slicing hand gesture, and Edea's voice cuts off as though she has just been stricken with a silence spell. Don't you have any conscience, *matron*? Ultemecia demands. I watch as she takes a threatening step forwards, then my brain short-circuits as the sorceress's words register. My thoughts are racing faster and faster, dragging me each logical step forwards towards a conclusion that I don't want to reach.
The scream bursts from my lips, even as I sink to my knees, clutching my head in my hands. I know Ultemecia could just be being sarcastic, but I know what I sound like when Seifer has really provoked me to fury, and I can hear that exact tone in the words echoing through my skull. I can't be Ultemecia! Can I? Why else would the child that I was remain calmly within the sorceress's arms. And...Edea knew. Why else would she stumble over calling Ultemecia a sorceress?
---ULTEMECIA SQUALL---
The child that I was stiffens in my arms as the SeeD Squall screams. Reality's a bitch, but he has to know the truth for this to work. Clearly he is horrified at the thought that this is what he will become, and that is good. Because for this to work I need him to be on my side, not Edea's. My eyes narrow as I recall her traitorous actions.
How could you let this happen to me, again? I watch as she straightens. The Squall in my arms has relaxed again, and I can feel a watchful attention from the Squall behind me. But Edea is a sorceress, and, like those I possessed, she does not believe that I can be more powerful.
Release him. She commands, indicating the Squall I hold. With an indifferent shrug I begin to put my child self down, only to have him utter a startled No!' and make a leap for my neck. I can see Edea's shock as he hangs there, determined not to let me go.
I whisper, kneeling so that his feet touch the ground. I won't leave you. Slowly he relinquishes his grip, and looks at me. It's almost enough to make me cry, the fear in his eyes, the desperate worry that he will be alone again. You'll never be alone... I know he won't. He just won't realise it, a sad smile tugs at the corners of my mouth, not until he's older anyway.
How dare you meddle with time this way!? Edea hisses at me. Child Squall scurries behind me, fearful of the flashing eyes and venomous voice that Edea is directing at me, sensing, in some way, that it is directed at himself. To my surprise I suddenly see SeeD Squall out of the periphery of my vision, gunblade drawn. Although his aggressive stance doesn't seem to be angled in my direction, I still keep half a wary eye on him.
Do you know what pain I've gone through? How it felt to watch *him* die in front of me, and not know why? How it felt to realise that it was your fault, that you ensured that Ultemecia' would rise again? I can feel the sudden stillness of the Squall on my right, and I know he's waiting for the answer even more than I am.
I know. It doesn't sound like it to me. If she did know... Wait, she could only know if... When I was the SeeD who had just defeated' Ultemecia, I saw what I thought was Ultemecia transferring her powers to Edea. What if that was actually... Your predecessor let me feel everything last time... Her words cut off my thoughts, but confirm them at the same time. She halts as I begin to laugh. I sincerely doubt she felt *everything*, and I say as much. Her eyes narrow in a challenge that I gladly accept.
A stream of purple leaps from me to her, but it doesn't stop like last time, it keeps on coming. I know last time Edea ended up on her knees, certainly weakened by the onslaught but... Her scream finally reaches my unhearing ears, and I bring my emotions back under control, causing the purple stream to vanish. Edea is curled into a ball, shaking and sobbing. I watch with something approaching satisfaction. Revenge and a lesson all in one.
I look down as child Squall calls out, his expression guarded. SeeD Squall looks confused, and a little dazed. I guess, both being me, they must have both picked up on the emotions that I let Edea feel. Receiving no reply he looks up at me, hands tugging at the feathers just within reach to get my attention. Is she OK? I bend down and pick my child self up, feeling the need to be comforted becoming almost palpable.
She'll be fine.
If this doesn't happen again... I hear SeeD Squall growl. Quickly I look over at him, finding a stony expression on his face, but any threat isn't aimed in my direction. Instead his eyes are promising a very painful end to Edea should he end up in my place.
---SEED/GAME SQUALL---
It took a while to get things straight, if they can be called that, in my mind. I, in the future, am Ultemecia. Because Seifer died – I recognised the inflection on *him* all too well – but more than that, because Edea made sure that Seifer would die... How could she do something like that? How could she betray not only me, or Seifer, but all of us that way? And by all of us, I guess I mean the world. How many people have died, how many times, because she refused to trust that time is strong enough to take a few changes?
What must we...I do to end this? Ultemecia turns towards me, and I see she is holding the child me again. She considers me for a moment, then sighs.
You must go back to your own time, and I must take care of things in this time. I frown. Surely that won't work. Even if time is flexible, the child me has still overheard the whole conversation, seen everything I should not have. And yet, I can't remember these events. Plus there is Edea, and Ultemecia... I realise with a start that Ultemecia is speaking to me again.
I will make sure that you will not remember these events until it will not cause a paradox. And I will deal with Edea. There's a little more menace in her tone than is healthy for Edea, but I know that I have always done what is necessary, and so I have no fear that Ultemecia will eliminate a necessary, a vital, person. If you are successful, you will see me one last time. I nod, and slowly the orphanage fades away...
---ULTEMECIA SQUALL---
I watch SeeD Squall slowly fade away, and then I start talking to child Squall. His expression becomes more confused as I go on, but he remains quiet, for which I am grateful. When I have told him everything he will need to know, I lock the memories of the day behind a mental block only I will be able to remove. He falls asleep in my arms, and I spirit him to his bed. What faint feelings he has that something has happened will be attributed to a dream.
That leaves just Edea to deal with. She is sitting upright now, knees clasped to her chest in a position that reminds me of Rinoa. She watches me with wary and wild eyes, but I can see that she is still determined to be stubborn. In a reaction that has become automatic, my eyes flash yellow in irritation. A brief instant of panic opens her mind, and in that heartbeat I strike, possessing Edea once more. Ruthlessly I destroy every memory with reference to Ultemecia, as I told child Squall I would. She will have enough holes for her to realise that something has been erased from her mind, but what with the passing of time I doubt she will ever realise what was removed, especially considering that there will be references to me from before my defeat'.
After implanting the information about SeeD, its structure, aims and salute, I deem my work in this time done, and leave its existence. I flee into the remains of time-compression, still slowly dissipating. Somewhere in this darkness is SeeD Squall, and Seifer... With a genuine smile, that no one will ever see, I find SeeD Squall's mind, and the mental block that I implanted in child Squall what seems like an eternity ago. The memories come flooding back to both him and me as the block crumbles, and I feel realisation, and gratitude, take hold. Now all that remains is to hope, although I feel sure it is not needed, that this works...
AN: Whew! *wipes away sweat* If that doesn't make up for the two teasers I don't know what will! :) Sorry if the writing style sucks, it's kinda hard to write three Squalls at the same time... Anyhow, as people may have noticed, this fic is almost at an end – 1 chpt to go...! ;P
Lady Yuskreven: *screams and runs away to hide* please! don't set ur creatures on me! :) hehe, don't worry, no more teasers, just the lemon-sweet ending :)
S Wing: thank u for ur, as ever, 'strange' review ;)
Redrum: here it is, the penultimate chpt (not counting the Q&A :p)