Secrets & Lies

by Deepdale

Who'd have thought a chance encounter with a drunk and a temporary job assignment could have such repercussions. **COMPLETE** Please review.

1. Default Chapter

Title:                 Secrets & Lies

Author:              Deepdale

Spoilers:           Mild from Meridian, Season 6 & Season 7

Rating:              PG-13

Summary:         Neve had no intention of falling for him; he was simply an attractive diversion during her stay in Colorado Springs.

.                       At least that was the plan at first…

Disclaimer:        Stargate SG1 and its characters do not belong to me I just borrowed them a little. 

.                       This story is for entertainment purposes only.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

1.         Colorado Springs

It all began innocently enough.  It all began with a temporary transfer from Washington to Cheyenne Mountain Complex, Colorado Springs.  Bit of a change of pace.  I was used to the corridors of power, rubbing shoulders with politicians.  Didn't like most of them.  My boss, Senator Allen Francis was chair of a small committee responsible for certain aspects of the military budget, the bits the public didn't get to see if you get my drift.  He was the one who sent me to Cheyenne, under cover so to speak.

Believe it or not Senator Francis is one of the good guys, one of the few politicians I both like and trust.  I'd been on his staff for almost ten years and planned on being right there when he retired in a further ten.

Colorado Springs.  Could have been worse.  My first point of contact was one General George Hammond, Air Force, straight talking, no nonsense, scrupulously honest and as keen as Senator Francis to winkle out the few bad pennies we believed had made their way into the operation.  My security clearance didn't allow me right into the heart of the mountain, my meeting with General Hammond took place in a stark impersonal office on level ten (ten levels below ground), that was to be home from home for the duration of my stay.  It was the main administration level for the complex, perfect camouflage.  We met, we talked, we agreed the parameters of my investigation and we parted.  I was in.

What happened next was one of those bizarre coincidences that occur in life.  I met him in town.  A cold autumn night, a solitary meal in a bar that had been recommended by a colleague at the base.  Murphy's Steak and Grill.  Steak was great and in my line of work you get used to eating alone.

I couldn't help but notice him at the bar.  He was drinking with a grim determination, trying to lose himself in a bottle of whisky.  There was defeat written in every line of his body.  Which was a shame because in any other circumstances it would have been a great body to look at. From my table all I could see without contorting were the impressive shoulders and wonderfully straight back.  Oh and the hair of course.  Thick silver grey cut military short.  For all the hair colour suggested an older guy I got the feeling he wasn't.  Mature but not old.  One of those men with no personal vanity, so what if my hair's gone grey a little early, get over it.  I've always been a sucker for older guys, they are usually far more comfortable with who they are, no longer trying to out brag, out perform the rest of the herd.

Sorry I'm rambling aren't I.  Back to my tale.  Paying the bill I headed out to the car park and the short ride back into town.  And he was out there, trying to fit a key into the ignition of a large truck (very macho).  No way should he be driving in his condition, he could kill himself or worse other people.  I had to stop him.  Tapping on the driver's window I waited patiently for him to locate the noise and having done so turn the right handle to open the door (electric windows were beyond his current capability).

"Yeah?" whisky fumes made me step back.

"I really don't think you should be driving tonight."

"Well I sure as hell ain't walking."

"Call a cab."

"No phone," his words slurred.

I delved in my bag only to remember mine was at home on charge.  "Okay so let me give you a lift.  I'm sorry to interfere but you really are in no state to drive."

"I'm fine lady."

"Your breath is about one hundred percent proof," I pointed out.  "I was watching you, you put back a lot tonight."

"Watching huh?  Like what you see?" he leered.

"Actually no, drunks don't do it for me.  I'm taking your keys," I reached in and plucked them from his hand.  "You'll thank me for this in the morning.  My car is this way, you can have a lift or you can walk.  Up to you."  The keys went in my pocket and I headed for my car.  I hadn't gone far before I heard him practically fall out the door.

"Hey lady, at least lock my truck."

"No problem."  I pressed the key fob in my pocket and heard the clunk as the locks fell in place.

Took him a while to make it across the car park and I was damned if I was going to offer any assistance.  Being a Good Samaritan only goes so far.  Once he had poured himself into the passenger seat of my current pride and joy (Audi TT if you're interested – I love fast cars, I'm single and I can afford it so why the hell not), I left the bar a decorous pace.  Last thing I wanted was a drunk barfing in my baby.

"Where can I drop you?" I asked as I hit the centre of town.  No reply.  Glancing across I was delighted to note my passenger was out cold.  Marvellous.  Now what was I supposed to do with him?  Pulling over I was left with no choice but to raid his pockets in the hope he might be carrying something with his home address on.  Lucked out on that one.  What I did come up with was a military ID for one Colonel J O'Neill and the picture certainly matched sleeping beauty.  Next time I decide to help someone less fortunate somebody please kick me.  Hard.

Well, thinks I, can't leave him in my car, I love it too much to treat it like a drunk tank.  I can't drop him on the sidewalk (much as I was tempted), he was military and the powers that be might frown on one of their Colonels being picked up by the local law and spending the night in the cells.  So I had a drunk and no place to take him.  Except home with me.  Let him sleep it off and send him on his way suitably sobered up.  I made a judgement call.  The guy didn't have the look of a regular drunk; you know the kind of thing, slight blurring of the features, broken blood vessels on the cheek or nose.  I was as sure as I could be something traumatic had sent Colonel J O'Neill to that bar and that bottle of whisky.

Home it was.  A rather nice ground floor apartment in an ultra modern complex, very select.  Senator Francis knows how to look after his staff.

"Come on Colonel, work with me here," I hauled him out of the car.  Big guy, not easy to prop up.  More by luck I managed to get him upright and then through the main doors, at which point (as I was pinning all my hopes on) I was met by the night security guard.

"Anything I can help you with Ms Tudor?"

"I hope so Lewis.  I stopped to help this guy and now he's all but unconscious, I don't have an address for him and I didn't know where else to take him."

"The cops are usually pretty good for this."

"He's a Colonel, I thought it might not look good.  Is there anywhere here he can sleep himself better?"

"Sure, there's the janitor's room down by the boiler house.  Not exactly five star accommodation but in his condition I don't reckon he's going to notice.  Want me to take him?"

"I'll help, I brought him, I guess I'd better see it through."

Together we manhandled him down the corridor and into the small rest room.  Lewis left us at the doorway to answer the entry buzzer.  Sweating despite the cool autumn night I gave him one more shove, one more heave and an undignified heap ensued on a couch that was probably new somewhere back in the seventies, gorgeous it was, all brown and orange moquette, you get the idea.  Didn't mange that very well.  Found myself at the bottom of the heap with an awful lot of barely conscious Colonel on top.

"Let me up."  I wriggled myself free, not before noting, I have to admit, that his body so close was a disturbing turn on.  Shame on me.  Recovering my dignity and refusing to think about that rock solid body, I pulled off his boots, arranged him tidily, covered him with a couple of equally tasteful blankets and left him to sleep it off.  For your information, if you're interested, I slept like a baby.

Colonel J O'Neill showed no signs of returning to the land of the living when I left for work next morning and to be honest I didn't feel much like trying to wake him.  Instead I left a detailed note explaining where he was, why he was, where to find his truck and weighted it down with his keys.  I drove to work with a clear conscience; my duty as far as he was concerned was done.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

You can imagine my surprise when he turned up a week later; I hadn't really given him much thought since the event.  He managed to bypass the front door buzzer system by charming an old lady from the second floor, flashing those big brown I'm so trustworthy eyes at her and the first I knew of his arrival was a brisk knock at my door.

"Hello again."  My he looked way better sober.

"Hi.  These are for you," he handed me a huge arrangement of autumn flowers, all oranges and golds, fabulous.  "And I wanted to apologise for my behaviour the other night."

"No need.  Want to come in?"

"Well… for a minute."

"Make yourself at home while I put these in water."  Filling a vase I dumped the flowers, time enough to arrange them later and popped a couple of beers.

"So, Colonel O'Neill," I handed him a bottle.

"You know my name?"

"I went through your pockets looking for your address," I explained.

"Oh, right.  I was pretty out of it that night," he admitted sheepishly.

"We've all done it from time to time," I assured him.  "Just so long as you don't go making a habit of it."

"No ma'am.  If I may I'd like to explain."

"There's no need," I said.

"I know that, all the same…"

"Go right ahead, get it off your chest," he obviously needed to talk it through.

"Thanks.  I'd just lost a friend, a very good friend."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"I'm no good in dealing with emotion, the other members of my team… well it was difficult.  I only called in for a drink on my way home.  The rest you know," he smiled briefly.  "And now can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Why did you do what you did?  I mean, you know, help me?"

"Mm, there are two possible answers to that one," I tucked my feet up on the chair and took a drink of beer.  "Answer one is that I was raised by my grandparents, long story, he was a minister and I was brought up to do unto others.  He was a good man, the best and I guess those are the kind of things that stay with you always."

"Understandable.  And number two?"

"I noticed you early on in the evening and I kind of liked the back of your neck and the way your hair stuck up in crazy spikes every time you ran your hands through it, which you did a lot."

"Okay," a broad smile.  "Embarrassed now."

"Too bad.  Now I think it's my turn to ask a question."

"Shoot," he replied.

"What does the J stand for?"

"Jack.  And you?"

"Neve Tudor.  Good to meet you Jack."

"Likewise Neve.  Well, duty calls.  Thanks for the beer and for… everything."

"My pleasure.  Any time you need rescuing from yourself you give me a call."

"I'll remember that."  There were laughter creases either side of those deep, deep brown eyes.  Oh boy, oh boy.  I liked Colonel Jack O'Neill very much and hoped he might make an appearance in my life again before I left Colorado Springs.

Well obviously he did come back into my life or there'd be little point in all of this.  Not straight away.  As the weeks slipped by I worked at the mountain, made regular trips to Washington and in unguarded moments thought a great deal about Colonel J O'Neill.

Next time we met was in town.  I'd finished work early, done a little shopping and was relaxing over a cup of coffee in my favourite café, one of those with tables outside for the more insane amongst us, yes me included.  And there he was.

"Well if it isn't Colonel O'Neill," I put my cup down and smiled warmly at him.

For a moment his expression went blank, then it cleared.  "Neve, right?"

"I don't know," I pouted.  "You spend one amazing night at my place and now you can hardly remember my name.  I'm so touched."

A blue rinse old girl and her friend glanced at him and tutted.  You could see what they were thinking, men today, taking advantage of pretty girls, at his age he ought to know better.  Cracked me up.

The Colonel's eyes widened a fraction in surprise then he grinned and despite the winter chill in the air it warmed me through better than my drink.  "You're making fun of me!"

"A little," I admitted.  "Can I buy you a coffee?"

He glanced at his watch and obviously weighed up if he had time.  Oh please, please, please.  "Okay.  Black, straight up," he said to the hovering waitress and lowered himself gingerly into the chair opposite.

"Something looks painful," I observed.

"Yeah," he rubbed his knee.  "Old war wound, doesn't like the cold so much these days."  I had the feeling that was only a partial truth but couldn't exactly pry.  "So," he changed the subject.  "What are you doing drinking coffee in the street in the middle of January?  Warm enough for you?"

"Spur of the moment thing, finished work early and the air is bracing rather than cold."

"You're nuts.  So what is it you do when not rescuing hopeless drunks?" he asked accepting his coffee from the waitress.

"Nothing very exciting, administration mostly.  And you, what do you fly?"

"Prototypes mainly.  Actually they tend to leave the real flying to the younger guys.  At my age you're lucky to leave the ground at all."  He looked at his cup in surprise.  "This is good coffee."

"Have you been stationed at Peterson long?"

"Sometimes it feels like forever."  From the depths of his coat pocket a phone rang and with an apologetic grimace he turned away to answer.  "Sorry 'bout that," he said as he flicked the phone shut.

"Work?"

"For once no.  Just my plans for tonight down the pan."

"Stood you up has she?"  Okay so I was shamelessly fishing.

"Are you kidding, no woman could possibly want to stand me up," he replied.  "Actually that could have a lot to do with me never asking.  It was a colleague, we were going to the game tonight but something's come up and he can't make it."

"Game?"

"Ice hockey."  He looked at me.  "I don't suppose… no, forget I said that, you probably have plans of your own, other drunks to rescue."

"No I haven't and yes I'd love to, I'm trying to cut down on drunks.  I've never been to an ice hockey match and I love new experiences."

"Okay then.  Right."  I don't think he'd been expecting me to take up his offer.  "Good.  Hockey it is.  Pick you up at seven.  And if you're very good I might even throw in pizza and beer after."

"I'll be good," I promised.

Ice hockey is okay but not something I'm ever going to share his enthusiasm with.  It's also a cold sport to watch for obvious reasons.  I was very glad I'd chosen warm clothes, jeans, boots, chunky sweater instead of anything girly.  Hair in a bouncy ponytail (ash blond if you're interested, yes it's natural and when loose falls to my shoulders).  I think he was quite surprised by the change of look, after all he'd only seen me in the functional suits I wear for work.  I think he approved.

Pizza and beer was way more fun.  And warmer.  If we were both having to tread warily around the truth it didn't show.  Colonel O'Neill, when sober, was proving very good company indeed.  This I could do again.  All I had to do was find a way past his natural reticence and make him see it too.

As it turned out he caught me by complete surprise.  I came home from work some five days later to find a cryptic message on my machine.  "If you've got nothing better planned I had this idea.  Wrap up warm again and I'll swing by some time after eight.  If you have something else to do and you're not around that's fine too.  Well, bye.  Oh, this is Jack O'Neill."

Okay, eight o'clock.  Please not more hockey.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't more than a little thrilled that he'd made contact.  The least I could do was go along to find out what he had planned.

"Skating!" I turned to Jack in disbelief.  "Skating?"

"At the game last week you said you'd never tried skating, I couldn't let that one go.  Welcome to your first lesson from ex-champion O'Neill, a former first class skater before the knees went."

"So modest," I observed.  "This is a bad idea."

Have you ever tried to stand in skates?  That narrow blade is all you have to balance on.  It's unnatural I tell you.

Jack moved across the ice like a pro while I edged my way round, refusing to let go of the side.

"Come on," he pried my fingers free.  "Trust me."

"You I trust, it's me I have a problem with."

"Hold me here," he placed my hands on his upper arms.  "Whoa there, you're cutting off the blood supply," he said.  "Relax.  Now I'm going to hold you here," his hands went to my waist and slowly, slowly I found myself moving away from the edge.  I won't bore you with all the details of that excruciating lesson.  Suffice to say my butt connected with the ice more times than I care to remember.  Every time I went down Jack laughed, helped me up and we started all over again.  And again, and again.

"We should do that again," Jack said as we pulled up outside my apartment.

"I don't ever want to hurt this much again thank you very much," I replied.  "Want to come in for a beer and watch me suffer a little longer?"

He grinned briefly, "Can't sorry.  Early start tomorrow.  No more skating then?" his lips twitched with mirth.  "I was kinda looking forward to seeing you land on your butt again, you do it so well."

"Why thank you."

"Seriously Neve, I think you could become a skater, the balance was already improving.  But I guess no means no.  Shame."

"You really think you could get me skating?" I admit the challenge was intriguing.

"I'm a very good teacher," he said modestly.

"Okay.  Teach me.  I know, a wager.  If you succeed I pay for dinner, not just pizza and beer, flashy restaurant.  If you fail you pay."

"I never fail so I'll take the bet."

"Right, when's my next lesson?"

"Can we leave it flexible, my job, it's rarely nine to five.  Let me have a number I can contact you on."  I gave him my mobile number.  "Okay, 'til next time my skating apprentice."

"Yes master.  I go now to ease my aching limbs in a long hot bath and to sob quietly with the pain."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The meal was great.  Someone called Sam suggested the restaurant to Jack and I have to say it was a good choice.  Twenty minutes from town, the ride invigorating in the crisp winter night.  Jack drove fast and skilfully, comfortable with speed, all part of being a pilot I guessed.  Over an extremely well prepared, cooked and presented meal we talked and talked.  And both lied with consummate ease about our selves.  Well the evening couldn't be completely perfect could it.  Oh, and if you're interested about the bet, I was paying.  Jack, true to his word had me skating almost as well as himself and I was darn proud of my new skill.

Life was looking pretty rosy.  Mind that could have had something to do with the majority of a bottle of very acceptable wine I drank with my food.  Jack had one glass, claimed he didn't want me taking his keys again; I think he was also proving to me that he didn't in normal circumstances drink and try to drive.

I was all dressed up.  Little black dress, sheer black hold ups and spike heeled shoes, I'd even curled my hair and I have to say the overall effect was pretty good.  He was looking good too.  Actually Colonel O'Neill looked hot.  A crisp white shirt and dark trousers, simple yet devastatingly effective.  I wasn't the only woman in the restaurant who thought so either.  I caught the glances, sizing him up.  All of which he was blissfully unaware of.  He had no idea how handsome he was and that, to be truthful, was an even bigger turn on.

Needless to say it was pretty late when his truck rolled to a halt outside my door.

"Your stop ma'am."

"Thank you my good man.  Got a couple of minutes?"

"What for?"

"Something I want to show you.  C'mon Jack."

He switched off the engine.  "Okay, two minutes."

Inside me apartment I flicked on the lights and pulled a box from the closet.  "Here."

Jack opened the box and gave a snort of laughter.  "You bought skates."

"I couldn't resist," I admitted.  "They were in the window of a winter sports shop and they just said buy me."

"You're crazy."

"Maybe a little.  At least now I have no excuse not to keep up my practice.  Want a beer now you're here?"

"Best not.  Work in the morning."

"Don't they give you weekends off?"

"I wish.  Well it's been fun.  Make sure you use those skates plenty."

"I will."  With the addition of heels the difference in our height wasn't so pronounced and I only had a little way to reach up in order to plant my lips on his.

"Hey," he looked startled.

"My way of saying thank you."

"Okay," he was clearly disconcerted.  I think up to that point I hadn't registered on his radar as a woman, I was simply a friend.  I slid my arms around him, kissed him again and much to my surprise he kissed me back, hands gripping my arms, tongues touching sending a jolt from head to toe.  He was a great kisser.

"Well," he drew away.  "That was… unexpected," he sounded embarrassed, unsure of himself.

"Unexpected?  Why?"

He smiled briefly.  "It's not you, it's me.  I'm not very good at the whole man woman thing.  Never have been, as my ex-wife will tell you.  I didn't expect…"

"You didn't expect I might find you attractive and want to kiss you?"

"Something like that," he agreed.

"Well you are and I do," my fingers were creeping up the front of his shirt.

"Wait," he stopped my hands with his.  "I think you're looking for something I can't give you."

"You can't possibly know what I'm looking for."

"I'm not a good prospect Neve.  My work's erratic, hell you've seen that already given the number of times we had to reschedule lessons.  And I probably shouldn't say but it can be pretty dangerous too.  Trust me on this, I can't…"

"Listen up Colonel, I'm not asking you for anything.  I'm attracted to you I won't deny that, I've enjoyed the time we've spent together and I'd like to think this isn't the end of our association.  I'll take whatever I can.  No promises, no commitment, just two people enjoying being together as and when they can.  That's all.  If you seriously think I'm going to pass up the chance to be kissed by you again just because your life's a little crazy you are very wrong."

"Neve I…"

"Hush," I tugged his head back to mine and indulged in some serious kissing practice.

"I really have got to go," he said eventually and I swear there was regret in his voice.

"Will you come back?"

"You still want… after…?"

"You had better come back Colonel, I could get to like this.  A lot," I touched his cheek.  "Call me."

"Yes ma'am."

A little after nine the phone dragged me from my sleep.  It was Saturday, who ever it was had better have a pretty damn good excuse for waking me.

"What?" I growled.

"Not a morning person I take it."

"Jack," I snuggled back under the covers.

"Hey sleepy head."

"Why are you calling so early, I thought you were working today?"

"I am," he replied.  "But my trip's been postponed forty eight hours.  I've got some stuff I need to do, then I thought, maybe later…"

"That'd be good, I have no plans so swing by any time."

"Okay, yes, I can do that."

"Bringing Chinese food would gain you extra merit points."

"I can do that too.  See you later.  Were you really asleep?"

"Out cold you rat."

"Good."  And he was gone.  I went back to sleep with a stupid grin on my face.

"I hope you've brought food," I said as I opened my door that evening.

"I hope you're hungry," he replied.

"Could eat a horse."

"Crap, forgot horse."

"Get in here."

Food was great.

"So where are you off to on Monday?" I asked, stretched out on the couch, Jack on the floor, back resting against my seat, flicking through the TV channels.

"Classified."

"Sounds exciting," I curled his hair idly round my fingers.

"Not really."

"Do you remember the night we met?"

"Vaguely," he replied with a laugh.  "Not as well as you I expect.  Why?"

"I was wondering about the friend you lost, or is that classified too?"

"There was an accident, a radiation leak, he died.  It's not a good way to go."

"Nasty."  I rolled off the couch and buried my face in his neck.  "I'm sorry for making you think about it."

"Isn't a day goes by when I don't think about it.  Talking, now that's the tough one," his arm tightened round me and it felt good.

"How long will your trip last?" I asked.

"Couple of days, a week, a month.  We never know for sure.  Um, what are you doing?"

"I am unfastening the buttons on your shirt."

"I can see that.  Why?"

"Because I want to see what's underneath."

"Again why?"

"Shut up Jack."  Parting the material I was able to press my lips to his chest.  The coarse hair I unexpectedly encountered tickled turning my kiss into a smile.

"What's funny?" he demanded.  "You're not doing my self confidence any good right now."

"You tickle, in a nice way.  I could get to like it."

"So pleased to hear it."  With a tug on my ponytail he tipped my face up and closed on my lips.  Yum.

That first time was pretty wild.  I had to throw my t-shirt away after he grabbed it by the hem and ripped it clean up to the neck.  All that barely suppressed energy hiding beneath his outwardly calm façade was one hell of a turn on.

"That was probably a huge mistake," he said again, reaching for his jeans.

"Probably," I called back from my bedroom.

"I've got to go now.  This cannot happen again."

"Chill Jack, you haven't just committed a crime or anything."

"Might as well have.  Where's my shirt?"

"Behind the couch."

"Oh.  How did that happen?  Huge, huge mistake."

"Jack, would you just stop."  I fastened the belt round my robe and returned to the living room.  "You don't have to run out like this.  Stay, let's talk."

"No talking."

"Okay."  Time to back off, let him work things through in his own way.  "Go then.  Whatever you need Colonel.  If you decide you want to see me again I'll be here."

"I can't.  It's not you, it's me."

"I figured.  Take care of yourself."  I kissed him gently and he leant against me for a moment.  I saw the confusion, saw the pain.  Come back to me Colonel Jack.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Imagine my amazement when I next saw him.  Inside the mountain.

"Hold the elevator," I called to a young soldier as I ran towards him.  "Thanks," I grinned, "I'm late enough as it is."

"No problem ma'am."  God don't you just love the politeness of a well-trained army man.

The elevator moved slowly down to my level.  The doors slid open.  And there stood Jack with someone I knew fairly well, waiting to get in.  Who was the more stunned?  Difficult to say.  I recovered fast and turned to the man by his side.

"Hello Jonas.  Been a while since I saw you on this level."

"Neve, hi there.  Yes it's been a while, too much work, not enough time for eating."

"Never stopped you before," I teased.

"True enough.  Neve, may I introduce Colonel Jack O'Neill, my CO."

"Nice to meet you Colonel.  So it's your fault Jonas has been working too hard to visit his fan club."

"Must be I guess," he replied gruffly, avoiding looking at me.  "Fan club?"

"Jonas has lots of admirers amongst the admin staff, especially amongst the younger element.  I myself am immune," I added with a twinkle.

"Unfortunately," Jonas laughed.  "And not for want of trying Colonel, believe you me."

"Well it's good to see you Jonas, and you Colonel.  Perhaps I'll see you again."

"Count on it," said Jonas.

"Bye," Jack said briefly.

To this day I have no clear recollection of reaching my office that morning, I must simply have moved on auto-pilot.  No memory of greeting my co-workers, of accepting a cup of coffee, of picking up my post, of hanging my jacket on the back of my door.  Nothing.

It came as no surprise when barely an hour had passed before my office door opened and there he stood, large as life and twice as handsome.

"Hey Jack."

"What in the hell are you doing here?"

"And it's good to see you too."

"Cut it our Neve.  Answer my question."

"This," I gestured round the small room, "Is my office, my place of employment, where I work you idiot."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why should I?" I countered.  "Anyway I thought you worked out of Peterson."

"Well I don't.  Jeez," he ran his hands through his hair.  "This is a disaster."

"Don't be such a drama queen.  Want to go get a coffee?"

"No I do not want coffee."

"Then what do you want Jack?  If you're spoiling for a fight you've come to the wrong place."

"Has Jonas really tried his luck with you?" the change of subject caught me unawares.

"What?  Jonas?" I grinned, couldn't help it.  "Maybe."

"And?"

"And?" I echoed.

"Tempted?"

"Not my type.  I kinda like what I have thank you for asking."

"No," he stepped back as if I'd struck him.  "That's just it Neve.  It is so over."

"What are you talking about?" I didn't like the way the conversation was going.  "Just because I work here means I can't see you socially?"

"Exactly."

"Come on Jack, that's stupid."

"That's not stupid, that's the rule."

"Who's rule, the airforce or Colonel J O'Neill's?" this could not be happening.

"Doesn't matter.  It's the way it has to be.  We will not meet again, inside or outside of this place.  Nothing is… no-one is worth jeopardising my career for."

"This is such bullshit Colonel."  I was not going to lose my temper.

"Christ, what will it take woman?  I DO NOT intend to see you again.  Decision final."

"You're just using my job as an excuse to justify your behaviour the other night.   So fine, use this as your perfect get out clause.  Start that running again.  Go to hell."

"Believe me, I'm half way there already."

I didn't look up as the door slammed closed, I forced myself to concentrate on the piece of paper on the top of the pile, to read, understand and digest the words in front of me.  Didn't work.  It's amazing how much tears can mess up a neatly typed memo, ink running, words blurring.  It hurt.  It really hurt.  Dammit.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

2.         Washington

Can't say I was sorry when Senator Francis shut my investigation down.  Okay so I was coming up against NID brick walls every way I turned but I was so sure, given enough time I could find a path through their clever little maze.  But returning to DC was infinitely preferable to remaining in Colorado Springs waiting for the knock on my door that I knew was never going to happen.  Time to take my bruised and battered little heart as far as possible from the rat bastard.  The lease on the apartment and car were cancelled, all I had to do was pack my bags and catch a flight home.  Which I did.

Hello old apartment, hello old life, hello again my pretty office, above ground with a window I could open and let in fresh air.  I even had flowers on the side table.  My office.  Back to the corridor's of power.  No point dwelling on what might have been because it never was going to be anything.  Except inside my head.  Instead I redoubled my efforts to put Colorado Springs behind me.  I also made one huge mistake, one absolute stinker of a decision, but more of that later.

Good job I was sitting down the day I heard the name Colonel Jack O'Neill again.  After a couple of months pulling down twelve hour shifts, drowning in paper I was so looking forward to an early night, a long soak in the tub and absolutely no work.  I'd kicked off my shoes and flicked on the TV to catch up with what else was happening in the world beyond my restricted little corner of it.  And there it was.  Lead item.  Colonel O'Neill, USAF, taken into custody on suspicion of being responsible for the assassination of Senator Kinsey.  Personally I thought who ever had shot the slime ball deserved a medal.  However that person could never be Jack.  No way.  Somebody had made a huge mistake.

Instead of my quiet lazy evening, I stayed home long enough to change from my normal severe tailored work suit into jeans and t-shirt before heading straight back to the office.  By the crawling sensation on my skin I was convinced there was a link somewhere with the NID and my stalled investigation.  The coincidence that Jack was involved in such an improbable scenario right on top of my covert investigation was just too much to swallow.  There had to be a connection.  I had to find it.  But where?

"Neve?  What on earth are you doing here?"

His voice jerked me awake and with a shock I realised there was daylight streaming through the window.

"What time is it?" I rubbed my stinging eyes.

"A little after eight.  Have you been here all night?"

"It was the news Allen.  Did you see the news?  The man they arrested for Senator Kinsey's murder."

"Airforce Colonel I believe.  What of it?"

"He works out of Cheyenne.  This has to be linked with your NID investigation, I'm sure of it."

"You know him?" there was a tone to his voice that warned me to tread carefully.

"I don't believe in coincidences Allen.  I knew this guy slightly, he's as straight as they come.  I don't think there's a chance in hell he's responsible."

"I see," Senator Francis looked thoughtful.  "And for this you've spent the night at your desk?"

"I feel responsible.  What if I've inadvertently stirred up a hornet's nest and he's taking the fall for that.  I can't just sit by and watch.  There has to be something buried in this dammed investigation."

"You would do this for a man you hardly know?"

"Yes Allen, when I'm as sure as I am of his innocence.  God," I rubbed my eyes again.  "If I could only think straight."

Walking round my desk he rubbed my shoulders affectionately.  "Why don't you go home and get some sleep, there's nothing you can realistically do for this man.  Leave it to the authorities.  Let it go Neve.  Look," he touched my chin.  "Take some time off.  I have to fly to Europe today and I'll be gone a week.  It'll be quiet here.  Take some holiday.  You've been working way too hard and I know I've given you plenty to think about over and above.  So take some time, re-charge the batteries."

"You're right," I told him.  "I'll see you when you get back, and thanks."

"Don't thank me, my motives are purely selfish.  Perhaps a break is all you need to finally end my wait."

"I'll do my best," I promised.  What a liar.

Okay so maybe I wasn't totally straight with my boss (big surprise – me not telling the whole truth).  I did go home and I did grab a couple of hours sleep.  Then, after a reviving shower I hit the phone.  I'd been in this town for ten years and in that time I'd made friends and acquaintances in every walk of life.  Time to call in some favours.  Which wasn't as simple as I'd hoped.  No-one wanted to talk about the assassination and believe me in my world not talking about something this big was in itself an indication of the bizarreness of it all.  Which only strengthened my belief that the whole thing stank.

In the finish the best I could come up with was a chance to visit him at the non-military holding facility he'd been transferred to right here in DC.  I'd take it.  Maybe Jack would tell me what was happening.

Sol took me and talked us in, flashing his FBI badge to ease our passage.

"Five minutes," the guard told me in a stern voice and unfriendly glare.

"Want me to come with?" Sol asked, his face a picture of genuine concern for my well-being.

I looked at the great bear of a man and I admit for a moment I was tempted.  "I'll be fine thanks Sol.  Okay, five minutes, I'll take'em."

The guard opened the door to the tiny interview room and he was already there, shackled hand and foot, looking grumpy as hell.

"Hey Colonel."

"What in the hell are you doing here Neve?" Oh great, voice matched the look.  Obviously I was still off the old Christmas card list as far as Colonel J O'Neill was concerned.  It was okay, I could handle it, I would not let him upset me.  Deep breath Neve.

"I came to see if there's anything I can do."

"Yes, you can go," he snarled.  "After you tell me how you managed to get in here."

"I made some calls, asked a favour of a friend and here I am.  What's going on Jack?"

"What does it look like?" he replied, voice heavy with sarcasm.

"You didn't kill the Senator."

"I know that, you know that, unfortunately these guys don't seem to want to know that."

"There must be something I can do."

"My people are working on it.  The only thing you can do is leave and get on with your life."

I wanted so much to reach out and touch him, tell him I would be there for him no matter what.  But those oh so impenetrable barriers he'd skilfully erected when he was in danger of letting me get close in Colorado Springs were still barring my way.

I searched round for a change of subject.  "I've kept up with the skating here in Washington.  My friends think I'm crazy."  For a second his lips twitched.  "And I'm still trying to enjoy hockey but it's not easy."

"So you've moved on from the base?" he said, accepting the change of direction with what looked like relief.  Voice softened, body relaxed.  It was a start.

"Couple of months ago."

"How's it working out for you?"

"Good.  And you made it fairly clear there was nothing to stay in Colorado for."  I know, I know, couldn't help that little dig slipping out.

"Yeah well, I was right there."

"Were you?" Chancing my luck I reached out and linked my fingers through his, ignoring his bonds.  Much to my amazement he didn't pull back.  His fingers tightened around mine.  God I missed him.  Had he missed me?

"I work for a Senator, I could maybe light some fires on the hill if it would help."

"Nothing you can do will help, believe me if you could I'd say yes, but this is too dirty, I don't want you getting mixed up in it."

"My Colonel, careful, you sound as if you actually care."

"Sorry, my mistake," he squeezed my hand.

"God Jack…" my voice cracked and it took several deep breaths before I could continue.  "I wish I could do something."

"Go home Neve," his voice gentler now.  "I won't go down for this.  You look as tired as I feel.  Go home."

"Well at least you know I'm close by if you do think of anything."

"I won't."

The door opened and the same guard came in.  "Time's up.  You're popular today O'Neill.  Got another blonde waiting to see you."

"That'll be Carter," Jack said dropping my hand, barriers rising.  "There's nothing you can do here.   Forget all about me."

"Like that's going to happen," I replied.

"It has to.  Go."

"Where to next?" Sol asked me as I climbed wearily into his car.

"Nearest bar.  I need a drink."

"Bad as that huh?" Sol pulled out of the lot and pointed the car back toward town.

"I need to find out what really happened," I told him.  "That man could no more shoot Senator Kinsey than I could."

"Word is there was a history between them, they were never good buddies."

"Still doesn't add up Sol, there's something very wrong with all of this."

"What can I do for you?"

"Buy me that drink," I suggested.  "And find me someone on the inside willing to talk."

"No can do babe.  This is an NID investigation and we are not welcome."

"Better make that drink a double then."

"One double coming up."

They were some of the worst days of my life.  On the outside trying to look in and seeing squat.  I wore grooves in the floor with my endless pacing.  Nothing I could do save, wait, worry and pray.  The only upside to the whole affair was that for the first time in our association I actually knew where Colonel Jack O'Neill was, not that it helped, he might as well be hidden in the heart of the mountain for all the good it was doing me

Sol was the one to finally put me out of my misery, ringing mid afternoon on the fifth day with news.

"Looks like you were right all along honey.  That airforce guy's scheduled to appear at a press conference, six this evening, outside Memorial Hospital."

I sat down with a thump.  "So it's all over?"

"Looks like," he replied.  "Want me to muscle us in on the action?"

"Thanks Sol but no, you've done more than enough already.  I'm just happy to know he's free."  I really was going to have to stop being so economical with the truth to my friends.  Of course I was going to be there, wild horses wouldn't keep me away.

Sure enough six o'clock found me parked across the street from the hospital and far enough from the TV camera's and crews to avoid any unwanted attention.  Shortly after six the doors opened and a small group of people emerged into the early evening sun.  I was startled to recognise the lead player as none other than the recently departed Senator Kinsey.  Curioser and curioser.  Soon though I forgot all about the Senator as Jack stepped up next to him in full dress uniform, cap tilted at just the right angle, row upon row of shiny medal ribbons adorning his chest and a completely expressionless face.  Clearly being paraded in front of the press was not to his liking and who could blame him.

I pulled on a baseball cap, left the car and moved slowly into his line of sight.  There was the barest flicker of recognition but I knew it was enough.  All that remained was to watch the spectacle, cringe on Jack's behalf when the Senator shook his hand and wait.

The TV broadcast vans hadn't even pulled out of the lot before Jack emerged through the same doors, cap under his arm and sunglasses masking his eyes, carrying a small holdall which he proceeded to toss in the back of the car and then slid himself into the passenger seat.  In silence we covered the short distance to my apartment.

"Bathroom?" he asked.  I showed.  He showered.  I prepared a light meal.  He emerged, hair still wet, dressed in chinos and dark sweater and looking, if possible, sexier than ever.

Sorry 'bout that," he smiled.  "Had to get clean after I let that… that politician touch me."

"Hungry?"

"Starved," he agreed.

I set a plate in front of him and watched with quiet satisfaction as he cleared the lot, washed down with plenty of strong coffee.

"So now can you tell me what's been going on?" I asked, as he lay on the couch, his head in my lap, eyes closed and more relaxed than I'd seen him in a very long time.  "Or is it classified?"

"Mostly classified yes.  I was set up.  Fortunately I have a number of friends determined to prove my innocence.  Which they did."

"I couldn't believe when Sol rang me to say it was all over."

"Sol?" he queried.

"An old friend, works for the FBI.  All he could tell me was the NID were involved and I know that is never a good thing."

"Not good no, shifty little bastards," he sighed deeply.  "Being locked up isn't what I'd call a bundle of laughs, and the food's not a patch on yours."

"I'm very pleased to hear it."  I kept running my fingers through his hair as if trying to convince myself it was all real, that he was here with me and not trying to run like crazy in the other direction.  "Will you stay?" I asked quietly.

"Is that wise?"

"Probably not.  Will you stay?"

"If I do…"

"I know it changes nothing," touching my finger to his lips.  "Let me have tonight."

His hand slipped round my neck and pulled my head down toward his.  The second I felt those lips on mine I was lost.  What I felt for this man was not something I was likely to recover from.  Ever.

"God," he groaned as he rolled away, breathing hard, body like mine sheened with sweat.  "You'll be the death of me."

"Not a bad way to go," I pointed out, every nerve still in melt down mode.  "I've missed you Colonel O'Neill."

"Good to know."

"When are you due back?"

"Tomorrow."

"So you are going back?"

"It's my job."

"You wouldn't fancy a change, a transfer maybe?"

"To here?" he opened one eye and looked amused.  "I'd sooner retire… again."

"Would it really be so unthinkable?" I pressed.

"Yes Neve, it really would," he stuck out an arm and I curled up close, safe in his embrace.  "I'd hate it.  I'd never make a good desk man and I'd make an even worse yes man, it's not my nature.  Now let me sleep woman.  Sleep good, talk bad."

When I woke his side of the bed was cold.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

My holiday was over.  Senator Francis was due back which meant I was due back.  Time to return to the real world.  So how come it felt so fake?  Parking the car in my designated space I sat for a moment, contemplating the Capitol buildings, trying to marshal my thoughts.  For some reason, on that particular morning I felt I was seeing it all for the first time and I didn't much like the view.  All that hard white stone, all those elegant buildings with their beautifully gilded meeting rooms and large airy offices.  It was all I'd ever wanted.  To reach a position of authority where I could make a difference.  Now I was no longer sure it was what I wanted at all.

I kept myself deliberately busy all day, avoiding too much interaction with other members of my department.  The Senator was back from Europe but out at a series of meetings which made my life easier.  I did reach one important decision that day, one that I would have to share with him sooner rather than later.

Shortly after lunch I received a most unexpected phone call.

"Hey."

"Jack?"

"None other."

"You ran out on me again."

"I tried to wake you but you were out cold."  I could sense the lie but I let it go.

"So what can I do for you now Colonel?"

"I'm still in DC, got some stuff to do.  So I got to wondering, that is if you have nothing planned, whether you might like dinner or something."

I was stunned.  Was this the Jack O'Neill I knew?  Had they exchanged him for a double, one that might actually give a damn?  "I'd love it," I replied.

"Good.  Right.  Well I'll see you later."

"You certainly will.  Thanks."  I replaced the phone and stared at the machine until my assistant came in and asked what the goofy grin was for?  Back into work mode Neve Tudor immediately.

As I was clearing my desk at the end of the day my phone rang again.  It was one of the interns with a message from Senator Francis asking that I join him at a small reception being thrown by Senator Kinsey to celebrate his 'resurrection'.  With a sigh I pulled a brush through my hair, checked my make-up and swapped my white shirt and black jacket for a baby pink sweater I kept in the office for just such occasions.  The straight black skirt of my suit didn't look quite so severe with the addition of a feminine colour.  It would have to do.

"Neve.  I'm so glad you got my message," Senator Francis crossed the room to meet me.

"Hello Allen.  Why did you ask me to meet you here?  You know my feelings regarding Senator Kinsey."

"Indeed I do and most of them simply mirror my own.  He is the worst sort.  But forget about him.  There's someone here I know you'll want to meet.  Come," and steering me by the elbow we made slow but steady progress through the crowd of people, all sipping drinks and making polite yet thoroughly boring small talk.  God, how could I ever have thought this was the life for me?

"Neve, meet the guest of honour, Colonel O'Neill.  I believe you two already know each other."  Allen glanced from me to Jack.  "My poor girl was extremely distressed to hear you'd been arrested.  She was adamant in her belief you could not possibly be responsible, and it looks like her intuition was correct."

"Neve," Jack recovered faster than I did, I'm sure my jaw actually clanged on the floor.  "I had no idea you had moved to Washington.  How are you?"

"Um, very well," I mumbled in reply.  "And you?"

"You know," he smiled.  "Enjoying the sweet smell of freedom."

"And justly deserved," said Allen.  "So now you see your friend is fit and well and no longer languishing in jail perhaps you'll be able to concentrate on more important things."  Allen turned to Jack.  "I've been pressing Neve to finally set a date for our wedding.  I hope you'll be able to make it Colonel."

"Wedding?" Jack's whole face closed down.  Crap.  "Congratulations.  Be sure to let me know when you've set the date.  If you'll excuse me I better get back to my polite mingling," and with a nod he was gone.

I knew right then the decision I'd made earlier in the day was the right one.  The date was never going to be set.  In fact I didn't even like him very much any more.  Whatever respect I'd had for the man had just vanished.  The depressions I'd sunk into since my return to DC had passed, the idea of a soft, easy marriage to Senator Allen Francis was appalling.

"An interesting man," Allen observed.  "You must tell me all about your association some time."

"Allen," I turned to him.  No time like the present.  "I'm guessing you set that little show up because you have a suspicion that my relationship with Colonel O'Neill wasn't strictly business.  And you would be right.  He is quite simply the best thing that has ever happened to me.  And today I realised something, no actually I realised a number of things.  One, I don't ever plan on marrying you.  Two, I don't want to work for you any more.  Three, I don't want to set foot in the corridor's of power ever again."

He looked sceptical.  "You think your future lies with him?  Come on Neve, think with your head and not your hormones.  The man works on one of the most secret projects this country is running.  You could never be a part of his life."

"I don't want to be," I hissed at him.  "I want a life of my own, not one tacked on to somebody else's.  I love him but I know I can never be with him."

I couldn't find Jack anywhere.  I scoured the building and surrounding area knowing in my heart he was already long gone.  I waited at home all night, hoping, hoping.  In vain.  Back to his ultra-secret life.  Back to his base in the heart of the mountain.  He might as well be on another planet.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

3.         Minnesota

The months slouched past.  I left my job, didn't actually go back at all after the reception save to empty my office.  I saw no more of Senator Allen Francis, thank goodness.  To make absolutely sure he couldn't gatecrash my new life I even moved apartment, sold my car, my furniture, my work suits.  It has been pointed out to me by friends that I have a tendency to take things to the extreme when my mind is made up.  Personally I can't see it.  The new apartment was smaller, much smaller (smaller = cheaper), old building instead of new, top floor instead of ground floor, homey instead of cutting edge.  I liked it.  The only thing I couldn't leave behind was politics, to do that I'd have to leave Washington completely and I wasn't quite ready for that kind of wrench, not on top of all the other upheaval.  But working for one of the more radical women's groups with my best friend Beth was the opposite end of the political spectrum to a Senator's office.  It was cool.

So this was my new life.  My fresh start.  And a fresh start did not mean spending my time mooning over some guy I was clearly destined never to have.  Okay, okay, you're right, I'm lying again.  My new life turned out to be just as hollow and empty as the one I'd left behind.  Dammit.

For Christmas I joined a group of friends in a rented cabin deep in the wilds of Minnesota.  I'd been reluctant, the life of a recluse can be very addictive, but they wouldn't take no for an answer.  So I caved, I flew in to Minneapolis and from there drove through the ice and snow with Beth in her rented Jeep.  The setting was picture postcard perfect.

I know exactly what you're thinking – Minnesota – doesn't Colonel O'Neill have a cabin in that very state and was that the deciding factor in my agreeing to the trip?  Yes he does and to be honest (see I can do it sometimes), it never once crossed my mind.  When I thought of Jack (which was slowly reducing to every other minute) at his cabin it was always summer, the fish would be jumping and he's be sitting on the dock, cap pulled low, half-heartedly trying to catch his supper, an ice-box packed with beer in easy reach.  The snow distracted me; you can't fish in the depths of winter, can you?

So when I saw him in the old fashioned General Dealers I almost didn't recognise him.  Well duh.

"Jack?" I dropped my basket of provisions, I remember vividly watching an apple roll slowly across the old worn boards of the floor toward his heavy boots, a splash of colour against the cracked varnish.

"What the?  Neve?" he pushed his knitted hat up from his brow and stared at me in disbelief.

"Um, yes, in the flesh.  Are you spending Christmas at your cabin?"

"Taking a break, yeah.  And you?  Honeymoon?"

"Honey…?"  Hardly.  God Jack I can't believe it's you."

"Well, I gotta go," he turned away.

"Wait," I caught at his arm.  "Can we talk?  Please Jack I'd like to talk."

"Doesn't work for me.  Go, finish your shopping, take it on home to your dearly beloved Senator."

"I… oh forget it.  So long Jack.  I hope your life is filled with as much joy as mine."

I don't know how I managed to drive back to our cabin; I have no recollection of the roads, the turns, the stops.  Nothing.  Next thing I was aware of Beth was opening the car door.

"Lord Neve, you look like you've just seen a ghost.  What's up honey?"

"Not a ghost, something much worse.  And he didn't want to listen, didn't want to know me.  Again."  Then I started to cry.  My least favourite emotion in the whole world.

"Come on," she hauled me from the car.  "What you need is a nice calming cup of herbal tea and to tell us all about it."

As to be expected she was right.  I guess it was therapeutic, curled up in a big squashy chair by the roaring log fire, wrapped in a thick blanket with a steaming mug of tea in my hands.  I talked.  I talked the way you only can in the company of old, old friends who know you possibly better than you know yourself.  I left nothing out and when I was done I fell sound asleep, so drained emotionally I simply couldn't keep my eyes open another moment.

I slept for hours.  When I finally forced my eyes open, ungluing my puffy eyelids, it was dusk, lamps were lit in all the windows and the tree lights sparkled like a million tiny diamonds.

"Welcome back," said Laurie with her usual toothy grin.  "We were beginning to think you might miss Christmas after all."

"You mean I haven't?  Rats."

"Feeling better?" she wanted to know.

"Much, surprisingly.  Reckon I needed to get him off my mind once and for all.  Adios Colonel Jack.  I'm starved."

"Mai Lin's made supper."

"Now that is something worth waking up for."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Next day was Christmas.  We woke to a fresh fall of snow, exchanged gifts amid much laughter and the obligatory corny seasonal songs playing on the radio.  After a huge breakfast we took a long invigorating walk in the woods backing on to the cabin.  It was great.  Cold, crazy and great.

And Jack's truck was parked out front when we finally staggered home.  Wasn't expecting that one.  Definitely wouldn't have put money on such a turn up.  Crap.

"Does anybody recognise the macho truck parked outside our cabin?" asked Beth.

Three pairs of eyes slid my way.  "I do," I admitted reluctantly.

"Not your bastard Colonel?" asked Mai Lin.

"Mai!" Laurie sounded outraged.  "Bastard, you?"

"I just happen to have the face of an angel, I don't have to act like one too," Mai pointed out.  "And, unless I was listening to a different story yesterday the man is a complete bastard.  He treated Neve badly."

"Actually," said Beth, always up there with the painful truth.  "Neither of them came out of that tale smelling of roses."

"Thanks," I replied.  "Needed that.  You guys go on in, I'll handle this."

"Sure?" Beth asked.  "We'll lose him for you if you like."

"My mess, I'll sort it," I assured her.

"You need us you holler," Laurie said as they headed indoors.

As soon as they were gone Jack climbed out of the truck.

"How did you find us?" I wanted to know.

"Asked Clay at the store, he knew which cabin you were renting."

"Okay, so why are you here?" was my next question.

"Brought the shopping you dropped all over the floor back at the store."

"And now the truth?" I suggested.

He pushed his hat back the same way he had the day before.  "Clay said you were holidaying with three other women and I was curious to know what you'd done with your husband."

"I don't have a husband."

"Didn't work out huh?" sarcasm crept into his voice.  I chose to ignore.

"Didn't ever try to find out if it would work or not.  Allen was way out of line saying what he said that day.  If you hadn't done your famous vanishing act so damn quickly in Washington I would have explained."

"Okay, so explain now."

"You sure you want to hear?"

A nod in reply.  Right mister, you want it you're going to get it all.

On the deck of the cabin were some summer chairs from which I brushed the deep covering of snow with my gloved hands and sank into the nearest.

"I worked for Senator Francis for close on ten years.  He was the one who sent me to Colorado Springs to investigate reports of misappropriation of certain items.  All I knew was that the lower levels of Cheyenne Mountain was in some way the kick off point for the problem.  I know that's where you were based, in that most secret part of the facility."

"You were a spy for the Senator?" his words held revulsion.  "And was I part of your mission brief?"

"Investigator not spy."

"Fine line you're drawing there."

"Whatever, I'm not going to argue.  And sorry to burst your bubble but no, you were not part of my job description.  You have a mighty high opinion of yourself Colonel.  I'd not had the pleasure of hearing the name Jack O'Neill before I met you.  I assumed you worked out of Peterson and as I recall you did nothing to correct my error.  Seeing you at the mountain was a complete surprise."

"I see."  No he didn't.

"You're clearly an expert in keeping secrets too Colonel."

Thanks, I think."  He took the seat next to mine and I continued.

"My investigation came up against a solid wall, one built by the NID and one I didn't have the clearance to get around.  So Senator Francis shut down the operation and I headed back to Washington.  Can't say I was sorry to shake the dust of Colorado Springs from my boots and put some distance between us."

"I called," he admitted sheepishly.  Good job I was sitting down.  Colonel O'Neill had the ability to kick the legs out from under me in oh so many ways.  "Couple of weeks after…"

"After you dumped me," I prompted.

"Yeah."  Whoa, almost a smile.  "There was nothing, no trace of you at your apartment.  It was like you never existed."

"I always thought that I didn't exist for you, not really."

"Ouch."  Yep, definitely a smile.  "Guess I deserved that one."

"You did.  Without you there wasn't much to stay for.  I wanted to go home and lick my wounds."

"I'm sorry," he touched my hair.  "If I could take it back I would."

"It's history now.  When I got back to DC and Allen asked me to marry him I was still mad as hell at you so I said I'd think about it.  Soon as the words were out of my mouth I knew it was a huge mistake and I would never go through with it.  It wasn't the first time he'd proposed, I'd been dodging that particular bullet for almost two years.  After he said what he said to you at the reception which, I might add, was quite deliberate and worked like a charm, I told him it was over.  I left my job, moved house, started fresh."

He blinked.  "Extreme."

"Had to be done."

"So what do you do now?" he was curious.

"I work for a women's group.  Beth, one of my friends indoors, is one of their legal representatives and had been nagging me to stop wasting may talents and join her at the sharp end of politics.  So I did."

"Enjoying it?"

"Very much.  Keeps me too busy to live in the past."  I don't believe it; I was lying again, would I never learn.  "How about you, still working in that top secret project?"

"Still there."

"Well I've told you all there is to tell," I turned slightly in my chair to better see him.  "Feel free to leave any time now."

Instead he did something completely unexpected.  He reached out, gripped the front of my thick coat and pulled me so close our noses were touching.  "Is that what you want?" he asked.

"Does it matter?" I shot back.  "Never did before."

"This is not before.  This is now.  Clean slate."

"I love you Jack.  I want you to stay more than I want anything, but I know that you can't and the moment will come when you leave me again and I'm tired of the way it hurts.  So yes, I need you to go."

"Okay."  His lips touched mine, feather light, a trace of warmth against the cold all around.  I wanted to wrap myself up in his warmth and feel safe and comforted.  God how I wanted to.  Love's a bitch.

"I don't…" he began, only to be interrupted by the cabin door bumping open and all three of my friends piling out.

"Beth feels the need to go to church," Mai Lin explained as they headed for the Jeep.  "We can't let her go by herself, so if you want to continue your discussion indoors go right ahead.  Back later."

We watched them drive down the narrow lane and disappear from view.

"I should go too," he said eventually.

"Yeah," I sighed.  "You should.  Bye Jack."  I was too wrung out to argue.  My heart was too bruised to go on.  Closing the door I leant against it waiting for the familiar deep throaty growl of the truck engine to signal his departure.  And I waited.  Nothing.  When I opened the door he was still sitting on the deck.

"I can't do it."

"Do what?" I asked.

"Walk away like it doesn't matter.  Can't do it."

I took a deep breath.  "Want a coffee?"

"Got anything stronger?"

"Probably."

"So how come you decided today was the day you couldn't run away?" I asked, once we were snug in front of the fire.

"It's the knees," he joked.  "Cold kills them."

"No funnies Jack."

He looked at me over the rim of his glass of whisky, eyes dark and unfathomable.  "The first time we…"

"Had sex?" I helped out.

There was a tiny grin.  "Yeah.  That first time I couldn't get away fast enough."

"I noticed."

"I told myself that was it, I'd been crazy stupid and no way would I ever go near you again."

"Figured that too."

"Then to see you in Washington, when you walked past that God awful press conference I thought the hell with it, I wanted you, I wanted something, anything you were willing to give."

"Look how well that turned out," I said ironically.  "And now?"

"I don't know."

"Therein lies the problem.  I do know.  I know what I want, but until you do…" I looked at him sadly.  "I just don't see a way forward.  Not without me getting my heart stomped on again.  Sorry Jack."

Impasse.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

When the guys returned from their trip to church I was busy with Christmas dinner, table laid, wine opened, wrapping paper mess all tidied away.

"Where's your Colonel?" Laurie asked.

"Long gone," I replied.

Without a word Laurie and Beth both dug in their purses and handed dollar bills to a grinning Mai-Lin.

"Want to let me in on it?" I asked.

"They thought we'd be setting an extra place at the table.  I, however, thought otherwise."

"Well bully for you."

"Why'd he go?" Beth wanted to know.

"We both agreed it was for the best.  I want something, a level of commitment he's unable to provide."

"That's very… mature of you," said Mai.

"Yeah, surprised the hell outta me too.  Now somebody pour that wine and let's get on with the celebrating."

"Are you really okay?" Beth asked quietly.

"No, but I will be," I assured her.  "It was the only practical outcome Beth."

"Practical doesn't count when it comes to love."

"I'm trying to re-write the rules.  It's okay, honestly.  I'm all cried out over this particular guy."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The cabin was in darkness.  All my friends tucked up safe and sound in their beds, I could hear Beth snoring.  The Jeep keys were on the hook by the door.  I slipped out, crossed the yard carefully, a hard frost had set in and the snow underfoot had become treacherous.  The Jeep didn't let me down, starting on the first turn of the key and I rolled slowly down the track, Fingers crossed my departure would go un-noticed.

Jack's parting words were echoing in my head.  "I'm heading back to the mountain tomorrow.  If you change your mind about anything…"

"I won't," I'd interrupted.

Ssh," he'd placed a finger on my lips.  "My cabin's only a couple of miles from here.  Back to the highway and head north.  There's an old tree, been struck by lightning, split almost in two.  That's the end of my lane.  Cabin's right at the bottom.  That's where I'll be."

Well I was soon on the highway heading north.  The tree stood out stark in the Jeep headlights.  I took the turn smoothly and followed the track cautiously.  As soon as the cabin came into view I killed the lights and crawled the last few yards.

Jack opened the door as I raised my hand to knock, stood to one side to let me pass and closed it behind me.

"What changed your mind?" he asked.

"Lust."

He laughed, deep and full of the promise of things to come and drew me close, wrapping his arms around my thick coat, burying my face in his wonderfully warm chest.

"So, can I maybe help you with that lust problem?"

"You better had Colonel."

"My pleasure ma'am."

I lay in the early light of dawn and studied the man by my side.  I loved him.  From the top of his silver grey head to the tips of his unbelievably sexy feet.  I wasn't a foot fetishist 'til I met Jack.  That man has the most erotic feet I have ever had the pleasure of getting up close and personal with.  Sorry, lost the plot for a moment there, but hey, trust me, Jack's naked body is enough to stop all normal brain function and reduce me to a puddle of raging hormones.  Shaming but true.  In all honesty (yes that word again), there wasn't a single inch of him I wasn't totally hooked on.  Leaving was going to be hell.

I slid out of bed as carefully as I could, making sure I didn't disturb him and climbed miserably back into my clothes, already regretting giving into my lust.  Boots and coat were still on the floor by the front door where they'd been cast in our haste to get naked.  I had to go.  I wanted to crawl back in bed with him.  Not going to happen.  My turn to do the leaving.  No looking back.

Bye Jack.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

4.         Washington – Late Spring

The sun was shining invitingly, work was slow, Beth was out of town so I did the only sensible thing I could.  I snuck away from the office and went for a long invigorating walk in the park.  It was a perfect day, not too warm, trees in full blossom, masses of pink and white and where the tiny blooms had fallen it looked like confetti left over from a recent wedding.  And all around flowerbeds were bursting with colour.  Tulips, daffodils, every spring flower you could imagine all competing to be noticed, all standing tall and proud.  It had seemed as though winter might never draw to a close, and now here we were half way through April and spring had finally won the battle.

When eventually I turned the corner into the quiet, ordinary looking street I now called home the last thing on my mind was the chance Jack might be standing there.  Yet standing there he was, leaning against the gatepost wearing his usual uniform of jeans and loose shirt.

"How did you find me?" I asked.

"Wasn't hard.  Nice place."

"Thanks.  Why are you here?" I couldn't keep the mystification at his sudden appearance from my voice.

"Does there have to be a reason?"

"One thing I have learnt, Colonel O'Neill, everything you do is for a reason."

"Cynic.  Would you rather I went away again?"

"Hell no."  Last thing I wanted thank you very much.  I wound my arms around his waist and pressed my face to his broad chest.  It was Jack and he felt better than good, he felt right.  I knew in my bones I was prepared to accept however much or however little he could give me because I didn't want to spend the rest of my life without him.  Didn't matter how brief the visit or how long the gap between, I'd take it.  Anything was better than nothing.

"Want to come up and see my new home?"

"Can I take a rain check on that."

"Oh," that threw me.  "Okay, sure."

"I want to Neve," he explained.  "And I'm planning on, soon.  But I'm due at the pentagon in…" he glanced at his watch.  "Twenty minutes.  If I come up now I know I'll be late," he grinned.

I grinned right back.  "Later?"

"Count on it.  Got any plans for tonight?"

"Only to see you naked."

I swear to God the man blushed.  "Would you like to go to a party before you take advantage of my generous nature?"

"Define party."

"You know, people, drink, food, maybe even dancing.  No, scrub that last one, I have a feeling it'll be too formal for dancing."

"How formal?" I asked warily.

He sighed, "White House formal."

"Oh."  That was not a party, that was more a trial by fire or some such analogy.  "You want to take me to the White House?  Why?"

"Because everyone else has turned me down," he joked.

"I would have thought taking me somewhere as conspicuous as the White House was your worst nightmare.  People who know you, seeing us together, assuming the worst, assuming we might be having a 'relationship'".

"What can I say, I think I've grown up some."

I was aware of movement at the kerb and turned to see a scarily young man in uniform step out of an official looking car.  I'd been so wrapped up in seeing Jack I'd completely missed the presence of the car.

"Excuse me sir," he spoke almost apologetically.

"I'm coming," Jack replied over my shoulder, and to his credit he didn't try to disentangle me.   This was indeed a development, affection in front of a junior officer; maybe there was hope for us yet.  "So," his attention returned to me.  "Yes or no?"

"Of course yes.  Time?"

"I'll pick you up at eight," and he was gone.  I guess a kiss was just one step too far even for the new improved Colonel Jack.

Okay then.  Certainly hadn't been expecting such a turn up when I rolled out of bed that morning.  First Jack and then an invitation to the White House.  Nope.  Not what I'd been planning for.  Was I excited?  You bet your sweet life.

Eight o'clock on the dot and my door buzzer sounded.  I pressed the intercom.  "I'm on my way."  One thing I will say for the military, they always run to time.

In the four hours since he'd appeared at my door I'd been understandably busy.  I no longer possessed anything suitable to wear at a White House formal.  Problem solved by a raid on Beth's closet.  Good job she was on holiday.  Good job also that she's something of a clothes horse.  I've been borrowing Beth's clothes (with and without permission) since college.  Old habits die hard.  I left her place with a gorgeous, very feminine midnight blue dress, floaty and way girlier than anything I would normally opt for.  In addition I borrowed a pair of fabulous strappy sandals with four inch spiked heels (two inches higher than normal), sheer black hold ups and a jacket that complimented the dress.  A thousand thanks to my absent friend.  This Cinderella could now go to the ball.

Last time I'd seen Jack in full dress uniform had been that fateful reception thrown by Senator Kinsey.  This time I did what I'd wanted to back then, I ran my finger lightly over the massed ranks of medal ribbons colouring the breast of his uniform jacket.

"My Colonel, you must have seen some action."

"Got most of them free with cereal."

"You look devilishly handsome."

"Why thank you ma'am.  You look… enchanting.  Shall we?"

"We shall indeed."

Not just a pool car tonight no sir, a limo no less, long and black and sleek.  We cut through the traffic in our soundproofed carriage and yes, I still felt like Cinderella, sadly one who knows trouble is waiting for her at midnight.

It wasn't the first time I'd been to the White house, which was probably a good thing, however it never gets any less daunting.  A small gathering Jack had told me, his team from the base, one or two VIP's and of course the President.  Of course.  In reality there were over fifty people in the room when we walked in.  Oh boy.

"If I make it out of here alive," I said to him.  "Remind me to kill you."

"Promises, promises," he flashed a grin at me.  "Come and meet my colleagues."  With his hand resting lightly in the small of my back he guided me through the crowd, through the fancy dress uniforms, the sharp suits and colourful dresses to a small group slightly apart from the main body of the party.  Jack's fellow workers from Cheyenne Mountain I guessed.  Actually, the fact I knew two of the faces already was the clincher.

"General Hammond, I'd like to introduce an acquaintance of mine, Neve Tudor."

"Ms Tudor," General Hammond failed to hide his surprise.

"Hello again General."

"I had no idea you knew the Colonel."

"And I had no idea you knew the General," added Jack.

It's simple really.  I met General Hammond when I was seconded to the base," I told Jack.  "And I met Colonel O'Neill quite by chance during my stay in Colorado Springs," I told the General.

"This is Major Samantha Carter, Dr Daniel Jackson and Teal'c."  Jack continued with the introductions.

"And Jonas," I hugged the younger man with delight.  "It's good to see you again."

"This is… unexpected," he replied.

"For me too," I assured him.  "Still being worked too hard?"

"Kind of," the look on his face unfathomable.  "But I do have more time for eating these days."  That made me laugh.

"Jack," a strong, hearty voice broke through our 'getting to know you' chatter and we turned as one.  Oh boy, the President of the United States called my date by his first name.  How cool is that.

"Mr President," Jack replied.

"Are you ready?"

"Yes sir I am."

"Then let's get this show on the road."

Jack fell into step with the President and we faithful followers tagged on behind.

"What's going on?" I managed to whisper to Major Carter.

"He hasn't told you?" she didn't look surprised.

"I hadn't had any contact with him for months.  He turns up out of the blue and asks me to a party."

"Sounds about right," she observed.  "Long story short, the Colonel is receiving a commendation.  The President was going to present an earlier one but it didn't work out.  So here we are instead."

"Okay, thanks."

So, not only a formal 'party' at the White House, the blasted man was also receiving an award for a job well done.  I was going to kill him.  Twice over.

We wound up out the front where a podium and microphone had been set up for the President to speak.  I won't bore you with the details, Lord that man loves the sound of his own voice, and anyways a deal of it didn't mean much.  Suffice to say Jack had in some way acted over and above the call of duty, risking his life to save others and his bravery deserved suitable recognition.  I think what followed stunned us all, except General Hammond who clearly knew exactly what was happening.  Colonel O'Neill found himself promoted to General.  Holy cow!  I was having erotic fantasies about a General now.  Too weird.

Those of you who know Colonel, sorry General O'Neill will be all too aware that he's rarely lost for words.  He is a master of the witty retort, the smart one liner.  So when I say he was lost for words, you get the picture.  He failed, spectacularly, to keep the stunned amazement he was clearly experiencing from showing all over that wonderful face of his.  It was worth anything else the night might throw at me just to be there for that moment.  Returning to us once the show was over General Hammond and Major Carter saluted him, Dr Jackson, Jonas and Teal'c shook him by the hand and I just stood like an idiot, gawping at him.  His arm slid round my waist and I swear his lips touched my temple.  In public.  Kinda creeped me out if you want the truth.  I should have known better.  I should have known he was up to something.

"Neve?" My heart sank.  So that's what General O'Neill was up to.  Reason number three to seriously kill him.

"Senator Francis," Jack's face was pleasantly bland.  "I had no idea you'd be here tonight."  You could smell the bullshit.

"Colonel O'Neill," Allen replied.

"General now," I pointed out just out of badness, and even saying it was freaky.  "Hello Allen, how are you doing?"

"You mean has my office fallen apart without its senior assistant or have I recovered from your breaking our engagement?"

I was very aware of our audience hanging on his every word and I was mortified.  "We were never…" I started hotly, only for Jack's arm to tighten, advising me to let it go.

"Yes to both," I managed between gritted teeth.

"Both appear to have recovered completely from your defection."

"If you're trying to get me to rise to the bait," I said, calmer now, "It's not going to happen.  Mostly because if Jack squeezes any harder my ribs might crack."

Jack laughed, "And there's me hoping you might think I was just being affectionate."

I glanced at him, "General O'Neill affectionate and in public.  Oh please.  Like that's gonna happen."

Major Carter turned a laugh into a cough, very discrete of her, Doctor Jackson however had no such qualms and laughed out loud.  "Looks like Neve's got you pegged Jack," he said.

"Thank you," he replied with a frown.

"I have to say that I'm surprised at you Neve," Senator Francis continued.  "You always demanded the truth from me in our… relationship.  Somehow I can't see General O'Neill being able to oblige with the truth regarding his life inside that mountain."

"Actually Allen, thanks to you Jack and I seemed to have mastered the art of lying to each other and I see no reason to change.  I have exactly what I need from the General.  Now if you will excuse me, Jack, I'd love a drink."

"Yes ma'am."

Together we made steady progress toward the corner of the room that was doubling as buffet and bar.  We'd almost made it before the crowd once again parted and the President filled the space.

"So Jack," he clapped Jack on the shoulder, all buddies together fashion.  "Congratulations.  Justly deserved if you don't mind my saying."

"Say away sir."

"Now you must introduce me to your lovely companion."

"Of course.  Mr President may I introduce Neve Tudor, late of Senator Francis staff.  Now doing something radical within politics I believe."

"Ms Tudor."  Bum.  I knew from the tone of his voice he recognised my name.  This was not going to be good.

"Mr President," I replied.

"I've never had the pleasure personally but a number of my staff have locked horns with you.  It's never pretty and you rarely lose."

"Thank you sir, I do my best."

"Indeed you do.  And now that Beth Siddoni has accepted the nomination to the vacant Congressional seat in San Francisco, will you be accompanying her?"

"It looks that way sir, yes."

"Then I know she will be in good hands.  As are you General.  Tell me, does she draw blood in private as often as she does in public?"

"More than I'd care to admit to sir."

With that hearty laugh of his he moved on and I braced myself.

"San Francisco huh?" he said eventually.  Here it comes.  "Were you going to tell me?"

"Probably," I hedged.  "Hell Jack I haven't seen you since Christmas, I didn't know if I was going to see you again.  I can't let opportunities pass me by on the off chance you might come calling.  And anyway you found me here, why couldn't you find me there?"

"I understand," his voice, however, said he didn't.

Glancing round to make sure we weren't about to be ambushed by anyone else, I dragged him to one side, away from the main party.  "Listen to me Colonel Jack, sorry General Jack.  My heart thinks it would we excellent if I moved back to Colorado Springs, took a job waiting tables if necessary, so long as I was close to you."  I pressed my hands to his chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart.  "My head, however, knows that would be a dumb thing to do, being so close and not seeing you, I know I couldn't handle that.  So San Francisco it is."

"And there's noting I can do to change your mind?" has asked, placing his hands over mine for a moment.

"Don't Jack," I warned.  "Don't make promises you know you can't keep."

"Can't I?" now he was being downright cryptic.

"No mind games tonight," I brushed my cheek against his.  "Now where's that drink General, I feel the need for champagne to toast your promotion."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I woke slowly the next morning; filled with that wonderful feeling of well-being only a night of stupendous mind blowing sex can create.  Yes, you know the one.  Fabulous isn't it.  Without opening my eyes I reached out to check the temperature of his side of the bed to judge how long he'd been gone.  Now that was odd.  I opened my eyes and focussed on the warm body my hand had encountered instead of cool sheet.

"You're still here."  Well duh, Neve, stating the obvious much.

"I could say the same," he countered, smiling lazily.

"Touché General.  What time is it?"

"Half-ten.  Thought I was going to have to start nipping you or something to wake you."

"I'm so pleased you didn't.  Why are you still here?" I asked.

"Didn't have enough money to pay the cab fare to the hotel."

"Good enough.  Oh!"

"Oh what?"

I laughed.  "I have no idea what you eat for breakfast, I mean I've never been in the position to need to know."

"Well for your information I like coffee with a side order of you," he reached for me.

Okay so skip breakfast, I got to know what he likes for brunch instead.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"And then he left you again?" Beth looked sceptical.  "What is it about this guy that turns your brain to mush?" I smirked.  "Okay, great sex.  You're impossible," my best friend growled.

"I can't help it.  He's handsome, sexy as hell and he keeps returning.  Two weekends back to back while you were away, and he didn't once run out on me.  That has to be progress.  Right?"

"Or alternatively he's realised that under that crusty exterior of yours lurks a complete soft touch."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," I pushed my plate away.  "And thanks for lunch B.  I'm glad the trip went well."  From the depths of my handbag my phone signalled the arrival of a message and I scrabbled to retrieve the offending machine.

"Now what?" Beth demanded.  "You've got that look."

"What look?" I asked slipping the phone away.

"The look of a woman teetering on the edge."

"Edge?" Beth was not making much sense.

"About to leap into the pit of ultimate despair."

"B, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You're in lurve."

"Oh that, yes, I probably am, completely, head over heels."

"So what was the message?"

"He's coming to town tonight, got nothing better to do, thought he'd drop by and see his girl."

"His girl."  Her face was a picture.

"I like it."  I wondered what might be bringing him to my door mid-week.  Somehow time on his hands wasn't a good enough reason.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"I'm here because I needed to talk some stuff over with you.  I need your input," he took a drink of his ice-cold beer.

"I'm flattered," I chewed on another mouthful of cheesecake, so light it could almost float away.  I loved the restaurant we were currently sitting in; I loved the informal air, the tiny intimate tables and especially I adored the deserts.  "Is this work related?" suddenly I was on my guard.  "Because if you're about to break some archaic secrecy law in order to talk to me then don't.  There's nothing I need to know that badly.  Trust me."

"No archaic secrecy laws are in danger of being broken tonight," he assured me with a grin.  "Trust me."

"Good enough.  Continue," I scooped another mouthful of cheesecake.

"Thanks," he pulled a face.  "I'm the senior ranking officer at this table, I get to say continue."

"Jack…"

"Okay, okay.  Continuing as ordered.  I need to go back over first.  Explain what I can, which isn't much.  Years ago I retired from the airforce, it was a bad time for me and I needed to get away.  Well that lasted a whole year then I got yanked back to deal with a situation and my retirement was revoked.  I love my work.  I love the uncertainty each mission comes with.  I have a great team.  It suits me."

"This I know," I said with a smile.  My plate was removed and replaced with coffee.

"General Hammond was assigned to the base before all the top secret stuff took off.  It was supposed to be a soft posting, wind down to retirement.  You know the kind of thing.  He's been putting off his actual retirement for close on five years but now he's decided he does want to step down."

"I think I get where this is going," I said gently.

He flashed a quick grin.  "Thought you might.  I was set up."

"Your promotion?"

"Yeah."

"They want you to take over from General Hammond?"

"The President does, yeah.  I dare say the Pentagon has other ideas."

"And you don't want to?"

"I just don't know," he admitted honestly.

"So how do you think I can help you?"

"Tell me what you think I should do," he sat back and waited while I gathered my thoughts.

"My immediate reaction would be carry on doing what you love.  However there are other issues to consider."

"Go on," he urged.

"If you don't take the job do you know who will?"

"I have an idea, a couple of names have been tossed about."

"Could you work with them, under them?"

"Probably not without pissing them off some."

"Okay," I continued.  "And if you piss them off enough, could they remove you from active duty?"

"Sure."

"So."  A pause while our coffee cups were refilled.  "You could find yourself out of the action if you don't hit it off with your new CO and very much out in the cold.  Might it not be better then to accept the job and ensure you are always involved with the important stuff that goes on in that mountain of yours rather than sidelined into some dead end job a long, long way from the action?"

"See now that's what I needed," he said with a smile.

"What?"

"Perspective.  Someone to look at the whole picture."

"Glad I could help.  How long have you got before they want your answer?"

Jack glanced at his watch, "Eighteen hours."

"Oh."  Hell, I'd been expecting a reply measured in days at the very least.

"Okay, so here's the next scenario," he pushed his empty cup to one side.  "I accept the job, won't be flying anything more exciting than a desk from now on.  It opens up other possibilities."

"It does?"  Needed a little more before I knew where he was going.

"In the time I've known you I've had more than my share of near misses.  I couldn't allow myself to be distracted, worrying about life outside the mission, worrying about you.  I'd end up getting me and my team killed.  I guess you could say that's why I always held back, kept running away from you."

"I figured that out a long time ago," I assured him.  And I had.  It wasn't necessary to know the exact detail of his job to realise it meant more to him than anything outside the base.

"What I'm trying to say is, if I'm behind a desk I won't have to run any more, and right now that alone is enough to swing the vote."

"It is?" Where was the conversation headed?

"I know it wouldn't be as exciting as San Francisco and I know the closest to the Golden Gate Bridge I can offer is a picture on the wall which, might I add, I bought last week with you in mind."

"Thanks."

"I certainly can't offer you any radical politics."

"Jack," I said, failing to keep the desperation from my voice.  "For the love of God, if there is a point to all of this please, please get to it."

"Come back to Colorado Springs with me.  Live with me.  Marry me."

For a minute the world stopped turning on its axis.  And is it normal to feel sick when proposed to?  I did.

"Are you okay?" Jack asked, his face a picture of concern.  "You look kinda sick.  Neve?  Say something.  I've never known you lost for words and it's creeping me out."

The nauseous feeling passed.  The world resumed its normal course through the heavens and I grabbed Jack's shirtfront across the table, pulling his face up close to mine.  "Who needs San Francisco, I'm a Colorado Springs girl at heart.  Yes."

The kiss that followed earned us a round of applause from our fellow diners.  How embarrassing.

Look out Colorado Springs, here comes General and Mrs O'Neill.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

5.         San Francisco

The view was better than I'd ever imagined it might be.  Across the bay stretched the strong elegant lines of the bridge and in the early morning orange-gold light, a thin layer of mist rose from the water below blurring the edges of the structure giving it an ethereal touch.  Beautiful.  Beside me on the bench seat Mai-Lin snuggled deeper into her coat, the air held that first chill of autumn; the first faint warning that winter wasn't so far away.  I tucked my arm through hers.  "You didn't have to come with me.  Any of you guys," I added to include Beth and Laurie who were hovering behind us.

"And miss seeing the sun rise over San Francisco Bay, we wouldn't have missed it for the world," Mai replied.

Laurie gave my shoulder a squeeze.  "You know we wouldn't let you do this on your own."

I did know.  And I was grateful.  Honestly.  It was a sign of true friendship, to indulge the needs of one by all without hesitation.  Since college we had been there for each other, no matter what.  We'd all done some serious indulging over the years.  All it ever took was a phone call and the four musketeers rode in to battle.

"You absolutely sure you're ready to go back?" Beth asked.

"No," I said truthfully.  "But I have to B.  I ran away.  There are things…"

"At least let us come with," said Laurie.

"You've given me enough of your time.  I don't want anyone's job loss on my conscience as well."

"Oh please," Mai snorted.  "Like that's going to happen.  Last time I checked we were all our own bosses.  Who's going to fire us?"

"I have to do this myself," I told them all.  "I've put it off too long."

In the end we compromised and Mai came with me.  Her small chain of exclusive restaurants in Florida would survive just fine without her.  Dr Laurie's patients needed her back in Boston, as did Beth's new constituents in San Francisco.  So Mai it was.  Mai who had voted for Hawaii when we went to Minnesota for Christmas, who always claimed an allergy to the cold.  Now she was coming to Colorado Springs where autumn was considerably advanced, trees held few remaining colourful leaves, a cold bite to the air warning snow wasn't so far behind.

The house was just a house now.  Didn't like that.  I took my time touching all the familiar objects.  The picture of the bridge even managed to raise a smile.  Briefly.  Before reality beat it back.  Mai made hot drinks while I lit the kindling in the hearth and soon had a bright fire burning cheerfully in the evening gloom.  It warmed the room but couldn't touch the deep layer of perma-frost around my heart.

Mai called my attention to one of the huge picture windows looking out across the small garden to the dense woodland beyond.  There was a squirrel on the feeder and I had to look away.  Tears stung my eyelids.  Memories rushed to fill the empty place and I had to force them out.

"I'm sorry Neve," Mai gripped my arm, anchoring me.

"Don't be," I told her.  "Don't be."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

We received our first visitor the very next day.  Mai answered the door to her; I could hear muted conversation but not well enough to make out individual words.

"Sam!"

"Hello Neve.  How are you?"

"Same old, same old.  And you?"

"Plaster's off, I have to wear the sling for a couple of weeks then I should be completely back to normal."  She laughed, it wasn't a happy sound.  I knew exactly what she meant.

"It's good to see you," I hugged her awkwardly round the sling, trying not to knock her slowly mending arm any more than necessary.  "How did you get here?"

"Jonas drove me.  He's outside in the car, too much of a chickenshit to come in."

"Stupid man.  Mai would you go get him."

"Sure thing boss."

"How did you know I was back?" I asked Sam while we waited for the others to return.  "Is this place bugged?"

"Nothing like that," she managed a genuine smile this time.  "We've been taking it in turn to check up on the place, just so happened today was my day.  Nothing sinister."

"That's a relief."  I glanced round at the sound of the door.  Lord he looked so young, I knew he wasn't, we were very much of an age if truth be told, but there was something so young, so vulnerable.  "Jonas.  Why didn't you want to see me?"

"It wasn't that at all," he protested.  "I just…"

"Don't worry about it, I don't want to see me most days."

Jonas wrapped me in a huge bear hug.  "I always want to see you Neve.  I missed you."

"Thanks.  Can't breathe Jonas."

"Sorry," he let me go and stepped back sheepishly.

"So, are you…?" Sam began.

"Back to stay?  I don't know.  I had to see if I could come back, that was the first step.  Beyond that I just don't know."

"Whatever you decide," said Jonas earnestly, "We'll support you all we can."

"Thanks, that means a lot.  Say hi to Daniel and Teal'c for me."

"If you're up for it, how about a night out with us?" Sam asked.

"I'll let you know," I promised.  Maybe sometime in the next millennium or so I'd take up the invitation.

Mai showed our guests out then busied herself in the kitchen leaving me to my thoughts.  There was a squirrel on the feeder again and this time I made myself watch, swallow down the tears and watch the tiny creature helping itself to the nuts on offer.  I could do this.  I had to do this.

"Just because Laurie's not here to bully you about your health doesn't mean you can stop eating again," Mai said gently, placing a bowl of her special soup on the table in front of me.  "Let's not forget her famous words…"

"I know, I know, if not for me then for junior."  I let my hand rest on my ever growing bump.  "I have to put him first."

"Him?" Mai questioned.

"A boy, I'm positive.  Who will grow up to be big and strong with hair the colour of honey and eyes the deepest brown.  The ultimate irony."

"Don't go talking like that," she chided.  "It's not the baby's fault."

"Thank you Doctor Mai."

"Oh eat you soup you ungrateful wretch."

If only everything in life could be cured with a bowl of soup.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The next day I tackled one of the many jobs I'd run away from, with Mai's help of course.  I tried to be dispassionate, the task had to be done and I was the one who had to do it.  And I was fine.  Mostly.  Until, that is, I lifted his dress uniform down and checked the pockets.  Deep down at the very bottom of the inside breast pocket I found the metaphorical straw that broke the camels back.  Something that couldn't have ended up there by chance.  Something that had been carefully smoothed and tucked away, a permanent reminder of the best of days.  Three small pieces of pastel coloured tissue paper.  Three small pieces of confetti.  It broke me.

"Jack O'Neill you total bastard," I screamed hysterically.  "Why did you have to run out on me.  I need you dammit, I need you."

"Neve!" Mai shot into the room, dropping the shirts she was holding and catching me moments before I hit the floor.  Quite a feat for a tiny creature like Mai, manhandling a seven-month pregnant woman taller than herself by the best part of six inches.  "It's okay sweetie, it's okay."

"No Mai it's not," I sobbed.  "It's never going to be okay ever again."

"Cry it out," she said soothingly, stroking my hair.  "You've been too long bottling it all up girl, it's time to let go."

"It was just all too perfect," I managed to say through my tears.  "Everything.  Too perfect to last.  I should have known.  No one can be that happy forever.  Do you remember when he packed me off to stay with Beth, told me I should be there to watch her win the election?  When I came back he'd created a nursery.  I can't even go in the room now."

"You will soon," she said.

"I loved him even more after that.  Mai I'm so scared."

"Of what?"

"That I might not be able to love this baby."

"Now that's plain silly.  Of course you'll love the baby, you'll love it enough for two.  And he or she will have the obligatory three wicked aunts to spoil it rotten as well."

"God I want Jack.  I want him to hold my hand when the time comes, I want to see him hold this baby in his arms.  I want us to be a happy family."

"Not going to happen Neve.  You will be a happy family just not in the way you planned.  Now how about you have a lie down, relax and sleep.  I'll see to the rest of this."

"Don't…" I tucked the confetti back in the pocket.  "Don't take his uniform away."

"I won't."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I cried for a week.  Mai had been right, I needed to.  You can only bottle pain up for so long before it starts to leak out.  Every little thing set me off and Mai would patiently sit with me, mopping up the tears and making her soothing herbal tea.  Occasionally I heard her voice murmuring into the phone no doubt relaying my current state of hopelessness to the rest of the guys.

After a week I stopped crying.  No more tears.  Time to start living again, if not for me for junior.  Mai pronounced herself satisfied with my progress back toward the land of the sane and returned to her life.  Now all I had to do was decide what to do with mine.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"Are you absolutely sure about this?" Daniel asked me for the hundredth time.

"Positive."

"Okay," he swung the car into a parking space and turned off the engine.

"Are you…?"

"Daniel," I placed my hand over his.  "I need to talk to Jack.  I will be fine I promise.  I have my phone.  If I need you I'll call.  Trust me."

"Go," he kissed my cheek lightly.  "I'll be right here."

I followed the crisp white path, edged to either side by grass trimmed to within a millimetre of its life.  Typical military precision, not a blade out of place.

"Hey Jack, long time no see…"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"Neve."

"Daniel?"

"You've been here over an hour, I was worried."

"Have I?  I had no idea."

"Let's go home now.  He won't mind," Daniel turned to leave.

"Wait," I caught his arm.  "Tell me truthfully, did it happen the way they told me?"

"I was pretty out of it Neve, we all were."  Daniel slid his arm round my waist and we huddled together.  "Jack died saving all our lives.  He didn't have to.  He could have ordered someone else to take the mission, probably he should have, but you and I both know that was never his way.  His friends were in trouble.  He sacrificed himself to make sure we all made it out alive if not in one piece.  He was a great man, a true hero and the best friend I ever had.  Would I take his place?  In a heartbeat.  Would I have him back here with you?  You bet.  We're all of us struggling to come to terms with his death, he's left a huge hole in all our lives.  But I can't even begin to imagine what it's like for you.  If I could take that pain away Neve believe me I would."

"Thanks."

"Now how about I buy you coffee on the way home," he squeezed me gently.  "Sorry, forgot you can't drink it at the moment.  So how about I buy you a tea and make you watch me enjoying a cup of coffee?"

"Would be good."

I placed the daisies I'd been holding on the stark, naked earth of his grave and turned toward my uncertain future.

I would always have the best of friends, I would soon have our child, but when all came to all I was alone.

Goodbye Jack.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Epilogue

More than twenty years have passed since Jack's demise.  This is a brief look-see at the way Neve's life is playing out without him.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Today was the day.  One last brush of my hair, a quick dab of lipstick.  I was ready.  Oh please don't let me disgrace myself.  No crying Neve, absolutely no crying. 

"You're going to be late," Laurie called through the open doorway.

"No I'm not," I retorted.  "I'm going now."

"Drive careful," Mai hollered from the kitchen.  "And drive even more carefully coming back."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

The airport was almost as busy and noisy as the house I'd left behind.  Flight was on time.  Any minute now…

"Mom!"

"Lucy honey.  Welcome home."

"God mom it feels like forever since I was here."

"It is," I pointed out with a laugh, hugging my daughter fiercely.  "Let's go kiddo, your party awaits."

"Party?" she groaned.  "All the aunts and uncles?"

"All.  Even Grandpa Jacob.  Big smile.  They all love you."

"I know, I really do know and you know I love them all to pieces.  I was just looking forward to spending these two days with you."

"Let them have today and tomorrow is all ours I promise."

"'Kay."

I tossed the car keys to my daughter and let her drive her dear old mom home.

It was a great party.  The 'aunts', Beth, Laurie and Mai-Lin fell on her as if they hadn't seen her for years and not the six months it had been.  Beth complained her hair was too short, Mai reckoned she wasn't eating properly and was far too thin as a result, Laurie pointed out that it was un-natural for anyone to be as fit and as healthy as Lucy clearly was.  All of which my girl suffered stoically, the smile never slipping from her lips.

As soon as she could Lucy snagged a beer and headed outside where she knew she would find her best favourite 'uncles'.  I didn't have to be around to know how that reunion would play out.  Lots of hugs and kisses, lots of laughter, lots and lots of love.  Followed by lots and lots of talk.  From the time Lucy was old enough to ask questions Daniel and Jonas had fielded the majority.  It was little wonder, therefore, my daughter now held an honours degree in anthropology.

Sam was late, no big surprise there, put her in a lab with a really good problem to solve and days could pass without her noticing.  She brought Grandpa Jacob with her who never looked a day older and had always had a special bond with Lucy.

Speaking of aging.  I guess Sam and I were the lucky ones.  Our blonde hair needed only a little artful assistance to hide the more obvious signs of aging and we'd been exercising together for years in an attempt to retain at least some of our youth.  Laurie had let age take its course and didn't give a damn that she looked what she was, a happily married mom of two livewire teenage boys.

She was the only married one.  The rest of us were still single, whether by accident or design it wasn't easy to say.  Beth, a Senator now, had never found the time to fall in love.  Mai on the other hand had been in and out of love more times than any of us could remember.  Her current beau was ten years her junior, which I have to admit, made her the butt of most of our jokes.  Sam, Daniel and Jonas still chose work over life outside the mountain.  Jonas proposed on a regular basis, starting on Lucy's fifth birthday and at least twice a year ever since.  Lovely guy.  The best friend I could ask for.  But husband?  Sorry that position would always be filled.  I think it had become a game, he'd pop the question, I'd thank him sweetly and decline and we'd start over.  Dear Jonas.

Between them, Daniel and Jonas made a pretty good surrogate father for Lucy.  Especially when it came to the vetting of potential boyfriends!  Their little girl was too good for any boy she brought home and they made absolutely sure the boy in question knew it.  Suffice to say not many were brave enough to come back a second time.  And how did they know when a potential boyfriend was in the frame?  Why I told them of course.

When next I checked on my daughter she and Sam were in a huddle, deep in discussion about something I knew I wouldn't have a hope in hell of understanding.  Jonas appeared by my side, handed me a glass of wine and slipped his arm around my shoulder.

"She just gets better," he observed.

"She does," I agreed.

"You made a great job of bringing her up."

"We," I corrected.  "I can't take the credit alone, Lucy O'Neill is most definitely the result of a group effort.  I look at her and I see bits of all of us.  Even Jack."

"Oh yes," he said.  "It's not just that she inherited his colouring, it's the sparkle in her eye, her terrible sense of humour and her problem with figures in authority."

"Tell me about it," I laughed.  Lucy glanced round at us and flashed that heart-stopping grin of hers which was pure Jack.  Jonas saw it too and squeezed me tighter.  "I'm okay Jonas, absolutely no crying today I promised myself."

"Have you accepted her decision?" he asked.

"I accepted this might happen a long time ago."

"As did we all.  Hungry?"

"Starving.  How did you know?"

"Stomach rumbles."

"Jonas," I laughed again.  "I love you, you idiot."

"You have no idea how much I wish that were true."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Following day we shuttled the aunts to the airport and put them on their respective planes with promises not to leave it so long between visits.  Free at last we headed home and indulged in a much needed mother/daughter day, with no decision more taxing then whether or not to move our chairs as the sun moved round the garden.  Heaven.  A temporary oasis of calm in our otherwise crazy busy lives.

"Mom."

"Yes Luce?" I looked up from the book I was reading at my daughter standing in the bedroom doorway, her young body looking slim and wonderful in shorts and t-shirt that doubled as nightwear.

"You've never really said whether or not you're okay with my decision."

"I guess I haven't," I agreed.

"So," she prompted, throwing herself on the bed by my side.  "Are you?"

"Would it make any difference?" I asked, placing my book and reading glasses on the nightstand.

Lucy thought about this.  "Kind of.  I couldn't do it if I knew you were totally against it.  And everyone else would understand."

"I have no problem with your decision sweetheart, it is yours to make not mine."  Reaching out I rubbed her arm affectionately.  "Since you were old enough to walk I've known this might happen."

"At least I get to live at home for a while, if you can stand it," she joked.

"I'm ready to give it a try," I quipped back.  "You can't have picked up that many bad habits in the few years since you left for college."

"You'd be surprised."  She was silent for a while, then came at me from a completely different quarter.  "Why have you never said yes to uncle Jonas?"

"Excuse me?"

"Why have you never married again?  I mean look at you, you're still gorgeous, you still look years younger than any of my friends' moms.  Why do you live alone?"

"I guess you could say your father ruined me for all men.  We might have only had a few short months and the road leading to the altar may not have been the smoothest, but believe me when I say no-one could ever fill the space he left behind."

"You really loved him that much?" Lucy sounded surprised.

"I really did."  From the nightstand I lifted down the framed photograph that always lived there.  It wasn't formal, it wasn't staged it was just us on our wedding day, caught by Beth laughing at each other, that special look in our eyes, that look that said yes, this is what I want and it feels so good.

"I wish I'd known him," said Lucy, her voice sounded sad and filled with regret.

"Me too kiddo.  He was the best."

"Tomorrow, can we go see him, before…?"

"Yes, he'd like that.  It's a date."

"Good."

"Now bed with you young lady, you have a busy day ahead."

"Yes mom.  I love you."

"I love you too."

Twenty plus years had changed Jack's grave considerably.  The mound of raw earth was nothing more than a memory, the grass smooth and flat, headstone no longer harsh white after more than twenty Colorado Springs winters.  It had been the pivotal thing, this tiny plot of land in my decision all those years ago to stay here.  I suddenly realised I couldn't take him with me and I needed to know he was still close by.  Over the years Lucy and I had planted hundreds of bulbs in the rich earth and every spring his grave was a riot of colour, reminding me of that time in Washington so many years before when we'd visited the White House, when he'd proposed.  Great memories to keep.  Now in the height of summer the grave was bare save for some fresh cut flowers which I knew Sam and Jacob would have placed there the day before, it was traditional whenever Jacob came to town for them to drop by and say hi.

Lucy took our flowers (daisies again, I never brought anything else), and arranged them prettily.

"There you go dad.  Sorry it's been so long since I last came by, I expect mom's kept you up to date with what I've been up to.  I'll never know for sure if I got the placement on my own merit or how much you had to do with it but I don't care.  Ever since I found out, ever since they told me I'd passed all the tests and could join the programme it's all I can think of.  I've walked the same corridors you walked and soon, very soon I'm going to see some of the wonders you saw.  I'm sorry we couldn't do it together, but where ever I go, wherever I end up'll bring me closer to you and I'm looking forward to that.  And yes, I'll be careful.  Trust me."

Our daughter stood up, straightened the narrow blue skirt of her uniform, saluted smartly, tears standing out in her eyes and mine.  Jack you would be so proud.  The airforce dress uniform suited her in the same way it had suited you.  Lieutenant Lucy O'Neill, about to take up her posting to Cheyenne Mountain Base.  Following in the footsteps of her father.  Just the way I'd known she always would.  What you began, you and your friends, our daughter was determined to be a part of, to tackle it head on, make it bigger and better.  Whatever it might be.

You go girl.

Well I enjoyed writing it but did you enjoy reading it?  I'd love to know.