[A/N]: ^_____^ Minna!!! I'm new at this writing thingy; I just wanted to try my hand at what everyone's so busy about… so please be nice to the new recruit?
[Disclaimer]: I recently celebrated my BLIPP b'day… whoa, did it juz went BLIPP when I mentioned my age? Weird! Anyway, I held my BLIPP b'day and I secretly wished to own SAIYUKI… couple'o days have passed and nothing's happenin', so I guess it's still not mine. I'm givin' it 'till this week though (*smiles*).
On with it…
Chapter One: The Gods Did What?
"Ah hell," Beaver said,
And shuffled his feet uncomfortably.
"Anybody woulda."
-- Stephen King, 'Dreamcatcher'
God enters by a private door into every individual.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Kanzeon Bosatsu, known as the hermaphroditic goddess of mercy, plain 'old hag' to her favorite nephew and maybe to her other colleagues as well, laid down her binoculars and smiled a rather mischievous and contented smile at the scene she just witnessed. A little away to her right, the ever faithful Jiroushin suppressed an uncomfortable sigh.
Several lifetimes have passed after the Sanzo-ikkou has finished the quest that almost got them killed, not that they lived forever or anything, they all died in fact some years after. You would have thought that Kanzeon would follow suit in boredom, but no. The infamous goddess was actually having the time of her immortal life. She's actually smiling, look at how erm… pretty it's making her look, lips all turned up like a wild hyena, why, she's practically blooming.
The reason you ask?
It's quite obvious, after all who else would have her amused and contented while sitting on her little haven up there her whole life with no one to accompany but other boring gods and her prim, never-looking anything, never-doing anything morose-faced Mr. Tight-Ass Servant?
Two words; Sanzo-ikkou. Or was that considered as only one?
Anyhow, as I was saying, the goddess of mercy spends most of her long existence nowadays by watching the new incarnates of the Sanzo-ikkou. Uh-huh, you all heard right. They were reincarnated to the present world, all making their own lives. The gods must've felt that things wouldn't be right if there weren't any four brash, violent, ill mouthed, short-tempered (this one applies to only three of the four), weird, and a little loose on the head, men grazing the face of the world. How well they manage us mortals ne?
So much to the delight of the aforementioned goddess, all four of the Sanzo-ikkou was brought back. Whooppie! Now Kanzeon wouldn't have to spend her days talking to the wall and biting her own nails.
All four of her favorite people in the world were now living normal and quest-free lives. And all the more joyful that makes her to be because now, she can freely interfere *cough, toy, cough* with them without having to consider any consequences to any mission.
The goddess was all but singing 'Happy Days Are Here Again'. And well she did! Once, one time after she disturbingly disappeared for a couple of hours, Jiroushin later found her in her room grinning dumbly and singing that song, and off-key if I may add. No one knew where she went and why after that, her smile can't seem to budge off from her face. Oh for days, poor servant Jiroushin had to endure being called Jirou-chan, in private and in front of others as well! The pain of it all. Of all the nicknames she could come up with, she had to give him one that sounded like she expected him to come wagging his tail at her call. Jirou-chan indeed. Wonder how the goddess would feel if he decided to address her as Herma-sama, see how she'd fare with that.
Eversince goddess Kanzeon learned of her four reincarnated *cough, boy-toys, cough*, she has been getting weirder and weirder. Which makes the already stuffy Jirou-chan more stuffy and tight. Who wouldn't anyway? His master was notorious for pulling tricks and pranks that always displeases other gods. And almost everytime they chastise her after finding out, his name wouldn't be too far off in the list. If this goes on, his transcript of records would be way too tainted to land him a decent job should he decide to resign. Not that he can just resign whenever he preferred to. Herma-sama would surely talk his ears off until he forgets everything but her ringing voice. Whatever else was to happen, Jiroushin was sure to stay on his spot for good long lifetimes. And the pay's not even that great! No, wait there has never been a pay at all. Ever.
See what he has to go through?
So pardon him if he's being more stuffy than his usual stuffy self. And pardon him again if he's more and more disliking the cheesy smile that kept getting bigger and bigger on his master's face. Oh, just the thought of whatever mischief the goddess has done this time was enough to make him shudder in displeasure. The mere thought!
"Eherm… not meaning to interrupt you Bosatsu-sama, but… erm what did you do… this time?" asked Jirou-chan, braving the lion's den.
The goddess' smirk grew much larger in answer, much to the dismay of Mr. Tight-Ass Servant. Her eyes even glinted mysteriously adding more to her servant's discomfort. In his mind, Mr. TAS bid goodbye to good white-collared jobs he kept dreaming about. So long buddy, don't reckon I'll ever see you again, so long.
"Hmmm… JIROU-CHAN is curious today?" said the soaring goddess in a singsong voice. "Aww, how cute."
Augh! Right back at you HERMA-SAMA.
The goddess of mercy arranged herself more comfortably on her chair before saying, "I'm very pleased with myself today Jirou-chan so I'm gonna forget you thought that."
Gulp.
Oh boy, forgot to mention gods can read minds, hehe, poor Mr. TAS.
"Anyways, you wanna hear what happened today?" Wow, the goddess must really be happy indeed. She changed moods faster than you can say temperamental. Thank Kami for that.
"This will surely make your day, my not-so-humble slave. I just—"
A flurry of whirling hot wind accompanied by strange drum rolls which unbelievably sounded like (hey was that the beat from Ricky Martin's 'She Bangs'?) a song, suddenly interrupted the goddess. Both master and slave raised their eyes to inspect the suspicious-looking see-through whirling white mist that has suddenly materialized in front of them.
"KANZEON BOSATSU I WANT YOUR ASS NOW!"
Okay, major gulp from the goddess and a humongous one from the pale servant on her side. That was the voice of the ultimate boss of them all. Kami-sama in person, erm, spirit. He doesn't sound very delighted to be paying them a visit. Nope, not at all.
"Oh hey, Kami-sama," I believe Kanzeon scuttled a little in her seat as she greeted the holy mist hanging in front of her. "To what do we owe this unexpected… visit?"
"NOW, DON'T YOU BE KISSING MY ASS KANZEON, YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL WHY I'M HERE," divine smoke swirled a little in what seemed like a smug arms akimbo I'm-the-boss-here-and-you-can't-fool-me-with-your-antics gesture. How he managed that while being nothing more as vapor was beyond me.
The goddess under scrutiny gave a nervous laugh. "Um… let me guess, you missed me and wanted to—"
"OH PLEASE… LIKE I WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE ASS-KISSING IF IT STARED ME IN THE FACE. TRY AGAIN."
"It couldn't be about my revived nephew down there now could it?"
Sacred smoke Kami-sama gave her a patented annoyed glare. Of course it was about that what else could it be? A lover's spat? Eeeeww. Kanzeon sunk a little lower on her chair. Talk about being on the spot.
"Um, what about him?" not going to make it simple isn't she?
"OKAY, LET'S MAKE IT EASY FOR BOTH OF US… I WANT YOU TO STOP TRYING TO GET THEM ALL TOGETHER, GOT IT?"
Herma-sama feigned innocence that wouldn't fool a three-year-old kid, blind and has ringworm. She arranged her face in what she probably thought was a winning naïveté look that simply reeked of scam, hey you could probably smell it if you were halfway around the world, from the 4th dimension. It's positive she lacks in that department.
"Whatever do you mean, Kami-sama?" big doe-eyes, tilted head, and hand on chest. It's the hand that most likely gave her away.
Smokey-sama developed a tick below his left eye, although that's maybe just his arm I can't be too sure since he's all whirly and cloudy.
"I DON'T HAVE THE TIME OR THE PATIENCE TO FOOL AROUND WITH YOU. CEASE GETTING ALL FOUR OF THEM TOGETHER, OR I SHALL STRIKE YOU SOMETHING HORRIBLE THAT WILL MAKE YOU WISH YOU WERE BORN MORTAL AND STRAIGHT… AND I DON'T INTEND THAT AS A PUN."
Let me explain, you see that's the catch. The gods in Tenkai were uneasy in reviving the Sanzo-ikkou, but they were against the idea of not having them walking around alive too. And giving them back their lives was the least they could do to honor the four men, after all they did saved the world from horrible doom back then right? So they decided to let them live away from each other, with no knowledge of each other and their past lives.
In short they're not the Sanzo-ikkou anymore, at least not technically.
A fact that the goddess of mercy was more than happy to remedy. She's basically having a field day what with all the fun and workout she gets at pushing the four to each other. If she were to make a commercial of it, the tag would've been; 'Pleasure in Every Push'
"Hmmm… how horrible, do you mean?" pushy-pushy, luck'e-luck'e.
And without breaking a sweat, Kami-sama answered, "I SHALL ORDER A HEAVENLY DECREE THAT WILL MAKE ALL RESTROOMS AND CR'S STICTLY MALE AND FEMALE ONLY… UNI-SEX BATHROOMS SHALL BE BANNED… AMONG OTHER THINGS." he seemed really pleased with himself for that.
"WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?"
The goddess merely lifted an eyebrow, honestly, was that all he could think up? He's the boss of all Tenkai for goodness' sake! Geez, can you even say LAME?
"Fine."
Okay, he was not expecting that. "DID YOU HEAR WHEN I SAID NO MORE 'UNI-SEX'?"
"Yes."
"AND 'AMONG OTHER THINGS'?"
She smiled, "Of course."
Arrg! "AND IT DOESN'T BOTHER YOU?"
"Oh, Kami-sama," her voice was a little patronizing, "I really can't care less, y'see I have my own bathroom here," she pointed on the door to her left, "and I'm always in here anyways, so I'd rather watch my nephew down there and endure not having to use great c.r's outside," she smiled self-righteously and made a shooing gesture at the god of all heavens, "so go ahead and order that decree, we'll still be friends."
Another tick on the holy mist.
"KANZEON… DO YOU WANT ME TO BANISH YOU FROM TENKAI?" whoa, he's definitely starting to get pissed off.
She began to sweat, "Eh-heh, of course not."
And Kami's the boss once again. "WELL THEN, WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER NOW. YOU SHALL CEASE YOUR ACTIVITIES REGARDING YOUR NEPHEW AND HIS FRIENDS."
"Oh, but Kami-sama," she gave in with a pout. "It's no fun to watch them not together. It doesn't feel right, y'know?"
Smokey sighed at that.
"NO I DON'T KNOW, KANZEON. I DO NOT CARE IF ITS NOT FUN OR RIGHT OR WHATEVER. WHAT I CARE ABOUT IS THE FACT THAT THE GODS DECIDED TO SEPARATE THEM. IT'S DETERMINED THAT THEY NOT KNOW EACH OTHER NO MATTER THEIR HISTORY," he paused and stared straight at the goddess for greater effect.
"THE GODS ARE NOT HAPPY THAT YOU'RE GOING AROUND BACKS TO DISMANTLE WHATEVER AUTHORITY THEY HOLD UPON THE MATTER. I AM NOT TOO. BUT THE WHOLE OF IT ALL, IF YOU WANT TO MAKE IT SIMPLE, IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT IS WRONG. YOU GOT THAT?"
Nope she doesn't. Whatever Kanzeon was, gay, straight, man, or woman, it's definite that she's stubborn with what she believed in, especially when she knows she's right.
She scowled. "Decisions is what you talk about, what about Fate? Isn't it fated that they stay together? From the very beginning, from their first lives and deaths," now it's her eyes that gazed hard at Kami's.
"They should be together. I know it."
Divine exasperation kicked in. "DON'T DO THIS, KANZEON BOSATSU. I WILL NOT LIKE IT IF, NO WHEN THE OTHER GODS STARTED DOING SOMETHING ABOUT YOU. I'M ON YOUR SIDE HERE, I WANT WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU AND, STRANGELY FOR THE FOUR PEOPLE DOWN THERE, BELIEVE ME THIS IS ALL FOR THE BEST."
"IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT KENREN AND TENPOU GOT BACK TOGETHER. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MAD THEY STILL ARE AT THAT."
"You see," Kanzeon tried to explain again, "That's just it. That's the proof that they're fated to find each other. Tenpou and Kenren reuniting, can't you all recognize that?"
"YEAH, AND GEE, I WONDER HOW THEY MANAGED THAT."
Goddess Kanzeon almost screamed in frustration. All those thin smoke and not one point from her got through. Right now Smokey-sama was going on and on about fate, right things, decisions, other gods, and blah, blah, blah, like never before. She put one hand under her chin and suppressed a sigh. His tirades about the good of everything went on, and it's not like he's all right and dandy anyway… why just last night, Kanzeon had once again…
Her head erupted light bulbs all of a sudden. Hohoho. The genius goddess of mercy once again worked a great idea.
I know something that could make you shush-shush…
"…WELL BY ALL MEANS, ENLIGHTEN ME."
Opsiee. God. Can read minds. Boss. Powerful. Never forget again. Check.
"AND WHAT DOES THAT SMIRK MEANS? DON'T SMIRK, OKAY, SMIRK ON YOUR FACE MAKE ME NERVOUS."
"Was I smirking?" of course she was. Man from 4th dimension smelled it again.
"KANZEON!!!"
Her smile widened. Shush-shush. "Oh, all right. Come a little closer and I'll share it with you."
Kami-sama shuddered a little as he neared Kanzeon. He inched ever closer and when he was near enough the goddess whispered her secret.
It took only a couple of seconds and Kami's once peaceful smoky eyes turned bigger and bigger and his not-so-visible pupils dilated. He stared at Kanzeon as if she was the most diabolical creature he's ever seen.
"H-HOW… HOW COULD YOU KNOW THAT?" and his voice doesn't sound so magnificent anymore. Who-hoo, shush-shush.
"No, that's not what you really want to know is it? It's the question 'who am I gonna tell' that really bakes your noodles, right?" good lord, she's enjoying this way too much. By now, Kami-sama's looking more and more stricken than his misty-substance could allow.
"HOW… SAMI-KUN?" poor shame, his voice reduced to being child-like.
It's no big secret actually. Kanzeon has long ago known of this 'Sami-kun', a.k.a Invisible God's Invisible Friend. Yes, a make believe friend that only the barely-seen kami could see. She chanced upon him or 'them' one night when she came looking for cookies. She heard him speaking, went to investigate and voila! Instant something-to-hold-over-Kami's-head information. It's a good thing she came out of her room when she did. Her fruits of labor sure were sweet!
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" now they're getting somewhere.
"You know what I want. Leave me alone with the four down there and I shall swear you secrecy." Isn't she magnanimous?
Swirly-kami almost cursed. Almost.
"I CAN'T DO THAT. ASK ME ANYTHING OKAY, JUST NOT THAT."
Wow. He almost sounded like he's pleading. Fun, it may be but Kanzeon decided to cut him some slack.
Goddess fingered her binoculars lovingly before saying, "Okay, if you really believe in you're decision that separating the four will keep them away from each other for real, if you're really adamant about that. You agree to a treaty with me and I swear I will never speak of your… 'thing' to others. Good?"
"WHAT TREATY?"
"Simple. We observe and let Konzen and company find their way towards each other, with minimum interference from both of us of course. They find each other in time; they stay that way, and vice versa. Consequence and responsibility shall be ours both, if you know what I mean."
Silence from smoky substance hanging above.
"Do you understand, Kami?"
Kanzeon's suggestion wasn't half as bad as he feared. "HMMM… WHAT MINIMUM INTERFERENCE DO YOU MEAN?"
Goddess thought this over quickly and said, "What say you don't go inside of physically maneuvering them and I stay inside the dream realm. Plus, we let fate do its work."
Silence was Kami's answer, a good sign that he's considering. They gauged each other for a few minutes.
"OKAY DEAL."
And point goes to one calculating and devious goddess of mercy. She just made the lord of all heavens bend to her wills. Happy days are here again.
Kanzeon choked out her laughter lest the kami decided to reconsider.
"Now let's talk about the time frame… I'm thinking one to two months."
"HEL—HECK NO! I CAN ONLY GIVE YOU SO MUCH AS FOUR DAYS."
"What that's way too short, make it three weeks."
"FIVE DAYS."
"Two weeks."
Don't they sound so much like holy gamblers, err, if there's even a term?
"DO YOU WANT ME TO GET IN MORE TROUBLE?"
"Um… thirteen days? That's good enough."
"ONE WEEK AND THAT'S MY FINAL OFFER. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT."
"All right, all right I'll take it. Seven days it is."
I'm glad that's over.
Kanzeon settled languidly on her chair and said, "It's a close deal then. For a week we shall see who among us is the better."
"NOT SO FAST. I WANT TO HAVE MY END IN THIS BARGAIN."
His end he said? Didn't Kanzeon just give him his end when she let him off the hook for that 'Sami-kun' thing? Oh well, she's way too happy to even think about that.
"Okay, shoot."
The stricken god thought about the situation. By agreeing to the old hag's conditions, he had condemned himself to the others' rage and daresay nagging, heaven knows he have had enough of those to last him multiple lifetimes, so he might as well get something out of this bet just so he could see the sly goddess squirm in her seat.
"HERE'S WHAT WE'LL DO, WHEN YOU WIN, I DO AS YOU SAY AND LET THEM BE, BUT IF YOU LOSE, NOT ONLY WILL YOU LEAVE THEM ALONE, I ALSO WANT YOU TO JOIN US…"
"Join you where?"
"NOTHING BIG REALLY, JUST A NUMBER OF US GODS IN A GET-TOGETHER…"
Kanzeon's eyes bugged a bit, "Good heaven's, you can't mean…"
"YES. IN THE 'HEAVENLY BODIES CLUB' YOU SHALL JOIN!!!"
Kami-sama took a lot of pleasure in watching Herma-chan's face pale gradually. It was common knowledge in Tenkai that Kanzeon hated the club, she attended once and she almost went loony with the endless book-reading and sing-a-song-for-each-other-sessions, she's not even gonna tell you about the hour-long pep-talks. Boy, who would have thought there was such torture in heaven?
She tried reasoning with him, "But, but, I let you go on your 'friend' thing! That's just unfair!!"
But of course, "WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL HAPPEN TO ME WHEN THE OTHERS LEARNED THAT I AGREED TO YOUR LITTLE WHIM? THEY WILL HAVE MY ASS, YOU AND I KNOW IT. THAT'S THE LEAST YOU COULD DO."
The goddess pouted in her chair. That was a tough one. Would she damn herself in that stupid club just for her nephew? Does she have that much care for him and his friends? Not to mention fate that they're really fated for each other? Well, yeah, but it's the Heavenly Bodies Club!!! Good lord, spring something atrocious why don'cha?
You so owe me for this, Konzen…big time.
"Fine, I agree, but only for a lifetime okay?"
"IT'S SETTLED THEN," Smokey-sama whirled a bit in what looked like looking-at-the-wrist-for-time movement and then said in a brisk administrator tone, "IT'S ABOUT TIME THAT I RAISE THE SUN. I WILL GO FOR A WHILE AND WHEN I RETURN WE SHALL START OUR LITTLE GAME, OH AND I WANT A HOT GREEN TEA READY WHEN I COME BACK… GOODBYE."
A gust of breeze went by and slammed the room's door shut. And then they were silent.
Kanzeon slapped and hand on her forehead. "Thank goodness he's gone… that wu—"
"I'M STILL HERE Y'KNOW."
"Kami-sama?!" yep, the white, fluffy twirly transcendental ruler of Tenkai was still hanging above the room. Wishy-washy time for one goddess. "B-but… I thought…" she looked back and pointed to the closed door, "that… t-that—"
"THAT WAS THE WIND." Flat tone, pissed off, just choking it? Definitely not good.
When in trouble, kiss ass, that's today's motto. "Eh-heh, kami-sama, has anyone ever told you how… eherm… silky and smoky you look today? Did you have a new hairstyle? Because you look totally ravi—"
"ONE DAY, KANZEON, ONE DAY… OR BETTER YET, I'M GOING TO WAIT UNTIL THIS WEEK, THEN WE'LL SEE…"
Outbreak of humid wind current again, accompanied by yes, the beat from 'She Bangs' and kami-sama's gone for real this time.
"Augh…" one lucky goddess sunk back to her chair in relief. Close call that one was. She was an inch away from getting her beautiful butt banished.
Jirou-chan who, the whole time had cowered in the corner of the room and has a suspicious-looking yellow patch of wetness on the crotch of his pants, went back shakily at the side of his master.
"D-do you think you were right in your decision, Bosatsu-sama?"
His master has once again placed her binoculars on her eyes as she answered, "If I'm wrong, we are going to spend a lifetime singing praises to each other."
Holy sushi, did he just hear her say 'we'? As in 'the both of them', together? Not just her alone? Oh goodie-goodie. He has landed himself the greatest job in all Tenkai, wouldn't you say?
And one week was not enough time for him to go searching for a less great career. All this greatness, he could just swear he's not meant for it.
Seven days.
*************************
Um, first off, I mean no form of Blasphemy when I portrayed Kami-sama as a well, big wuss so please don't hate me for that… secondly, about Jiroushin, (did I spelled that right?) about him, this will sound strange but, I have always associated him with that little green alien from FUTURAMA, y'know, Capt. Zap Braniggan's unwilling faithful right-hand alien who's name I forgot… that one. I don't know why, so again don't hate me if it got you offended. Lastly about the length of this chapter (not to mention my tirade) and yes, I can say LAME… so there. You can hate me for that, y'see I'm easily swayed by self-indulgence, I know where to stop but I can't. I'm a pushover when it comes to these things, I just realized… all of you are welcome to slap me in the face with my mistakes (which I know there are many)… I won't mind… that's all… bye-bye!!!