The Voldemort/Dumbledore Conversation
*This conversation between Albus Dumbledore and Lord Voldemort takes place "pre-Potter," as in before Voldemort lost his body.*
The Characters:
Albus Dumbledore: Headmaster of Hogwarts (AD)
Lord Voldemort: Wizard Gone Bad (LV)
AD. (sits at a small table and pours himself a cup of tea, checks the clock on the wall, then pours a second cup of tea which he sets on the opposite side of the table) Tea, a lovely muggle tradition.
LV. (appears, sitting in the chair opposite Dumbledore, prods the cup of tea cautiously with his wand) Tea? (laughs evilly) Dear Dumbledore, ever the muggle-lover.
AD. Good afternoon, Tom. Can I call you Tom? Or do you use that intriguing little confection of a name permanently now?
LV. (scowls at Dumbledore, Nagini the snake appears and curls herself around the table and semi-around Voldemort) Still the walking thesaurus?
AD. Still disrespectful of Hogwarts faculty?
LV. Some things, dear Dumbledore, cry out to be disrespected.
AD. Yes, I suppose they do. Muggle witch-burning practices are a prime example. Was the essay on muggle witch burning required back when you were a student? I really should remember. (scratches his head) Alas.
LV. (points wand at cup of tea) Chocolatum. (the tea transforms into a huge piece of chocolate cake on a fancy plate with a gold fork) I appreciate the thought, Albus, but I never have cared for muggle tea. (takes a bite of the cake, chews thoughtfully) Not bad, a bit dry.
AD. Of course. I did a little tinkering with edible transfiguration once. I concluded that you can produce much better results if the want is not used for certain other types of spells too often.
LV. (looks up from the cake) Certain types of spells?
AD. Such as-
LV. (interrupting) I am well aware of what you are hinting at.
AD. Excellent! Then we can move right along! (thinks for a moment) I am enjoying my position as headmaster. The school is doing better than ever. You should see the scores some of our students achieved on the O.W.L.S! Of course. no one is yet to surpass your score.
LV. (growing slightly annoyed) Is this what you invited me to tea to discuss, Hogwart's test scores?
AD. Actually, yes. I thought it would be good to keep in touch with Hogwart's most esteemed graduate. Why did you think I invited you?
LV. I assumed to chastise me for my formation of an army of evil wizards, for killing those who oppose my plans, and other generally evil behavior. (strokes Nagini lovingly)
AD. I was hoping you would agree to give an inspirational speech to the incoming first years.
LV. (eyes widening, slams fork down on table) What?!
AD. I have noticed a decline in student motivation. I think you are a prime example of what you can do if you commit yourself to something, even if that something is world conquest and muggle genocide.
LV. (rolls eyes, picks up fork, resumes eating cake) You're growing rather dotty in your old age, my dear Dumbledore.
AD. It is a wonderful story. Tom Riddle, up from the orphanage!
LV. Have you been watching muggle television again? That sounds like the name for one of their vile programs.
AD. Do we have to argue, Tom?
LV. You are the most powerful opposition to my cause, which means, to put it simply, we obviously disagree.
AD. So, asking you to teach the students to talk to snakes is out of the question?
LV. (glares evilly)
AD. You know, just because our fundamental philosophies aren't in harmony does not mean we have to harbor personal animosity.
LV. If you bear no personal animosity, than why have you cast a shield spell on yourself?
AD. It's for the very same reason you have 100 invisible death eaters packed into this room. (pulls out a package of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans) Would you care for some?
LV. Are those Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans?
AD. Yes. I've decided to take up eating them again. There's something about not knowing the flavor until it is too late that tickles my fancy.
LV. I despise those filthy things. If they truly are every flavor, then there is surely arsenic, acid, and various other things I will not mention in polite company.
AD. (pops one into his mouth) I doubt there are arsenic and acid ones. If you were somehow connected to the manufacture of sweets, then, perhaps, I would worry. (chews) Ah. spinach.
LV. I simply cannot stand being unaware of the general flavor of something I am about to eat. I only like the pecan ones anyway. I have Bertie fill jars of those for me.
AD. You special order Bertie Bott's every flavor beans? How?
LV. Oh, Bertie. (Bertie Botts, one of the invisible death eats, appears)
AD. (suddenly looking sick) I see. (throws the bag of candy away) Now, Tom, there has been something I have been meaning to ask you.
LV. What now?
AD. What do you think caused you to, for lack of a better phrase, go bad? Was it your childhood? Did your parents mistreat you? Did your dog get run over by a bus?
LV. Why the sudden interest in my personal affairs that are not connected to my plots against your pathetic little school?
AD. Pathetic? If we are pathetic, how have you become so powerful.
LV. Everything I ever need to know, I learned outside of Hogwarts.
AD. Such as?
LV. Oh. little things. How to balance a Gringott's account. how to drive a broom in muggle traffic. I have also made extensive studies of literature, modern muggle science, and mathematics.
AD. I'm afraid I do not understand.
LV. Has it never occurred to you how many wizards are forced to turn to the dark side due to debt? Perhaps if Hogwarts would teach a bit of practical living.
AD. (scratches chin) Practical living?
LV. Check the figures, man! You would be amazed at the number of needless deaths due to the ingestion of toxic muggle substances. The number one killer of witches and wizards is not spells gone wrong, broom accidents, or even annoying me and my Death Eaters. it's Pine Sol!
AD. What's Pine Sol?
LV. See, you are among the ignorant masses. Pine Sol is a muggle substance used for cleaning floors. Unfortunately it looks and smells much like the beverages they sell in Hogsmeade.
AD. You're saying?
LV. Other than that Hogwart's education is too specialized?
AD. I think I am confused.
LV. As usual.
AD. Back to why you went bad.
LV. You are interested because? Does this have something to do with reforming me? It won't work. Trust me, my last forty therapists have tried.
AD. Forty?
LV. For some reason I cannot seem to keep a therapist for very long. They all end up in little piles of ashes.
AD. Oh. Actually, I am well aware that you are beyond reform. The reason is that we are considering starting a new program here at Hogwarts.
LV. New program?
AD. Yes. McGonagall and I are thinking of calling it E.P.T.
LV. I believe those initials are taken.
AD. Not in the wizarding world!
LV. Very well. (rolls eyes) What does it stand for?
AD. Evilness Prevention Training!
LV. Evilness Prevention Training?
AD. It's a series of classes that will fully brainwash our students with anit-Death Eater rhetoric!
LV. And you're asking me to help you?
AD. Yes!
LV. Why, in the name of all that is dark and twisted, would I even consider such a thing?
AD. I assumed that even the vilest wizard living would want to save the children.
LV. (thinks for a moment) Fine. I'll help.
AD. That was easy! Why the sudden change of heart?
LV. These school programs never work. If you were aware of the muggle drug prevention programs, you would know that.
AD. What's drug prevention? And, on second thought, what exactly are drugs?
LV. You know how you zap yourself in the head with your wand sometimes?
AD. And I feel all happy afterwards?
LV. Drugs are like the muggle version of that. Speaking of drugs. (points wand at fancy plate where cake used to be before it was eaten) Cafaei. (a fancy latte appears) Ah. sweet caffeine. (notices that Dumbledore is staring) What?
AD. Oh. nothing. Anyhow, why are you evil.
LV. I am not evil. You are. Evil is all a matter of perspective. We tend to view those who stand against what we believe is right to be evil. Thus, to me, you are evil. I am quite good.
AD. How delightfully philosophical!
LV. Thank you! (realizing that he has just been polite and nice to Dumbledore, leers)
AD. I remember you as a student. Certainly you were a bit on the odd side, but I never expected the eventual black robes, red eyes, and army of Death Eaters.
LV. You didn't? Don't you remember the speech I gave at graduation? "I will return with my army of Death Eaters and you shall join us or perish!"
AD. I took that to be the 7th year class prank. I thought it was quite clever. Now, why are you evil?
LV. I told you. I am not evil.
AD. Why do you always have to be so difficult?
LV. I am not being difficult.
AD. Yes, you are!
LV. No, I'm not!
AD. Yes, you are!
LV. No, I'm not!
AD. This is not getting us anywhere.
LV. Why not get that new author. Lockart is his name, I believe. to write the E.P.T manual? He seems the simple sort, very black and white definitions of good an evil.
AD. Lockhart? You mean the author of "Dances with Werewolves?"
LV. Yes, pathetic piece of nearly unintelligible drivel that it was.
AD. I wouldn't say that. I've read it seven times. It really does get better the more you read it. Reread it sometime. you've practically conquered mortality, you have time. By the way, have you seen my new card in the packs of chocolate frogs?
LV. You think I would care about such things?
AD. Still angry that they won't include you.
LV. Very.
AD. I'll have to remember that Lockhart suggestion. I must admit, I'm a bit disappointed in you, Tom. I invite you here, I serve you tea, and you manage to weasel your way out of helping me.
LV. I have helped you. in ways you may never understand. (a clock chimes in the background) Curses!
AD. What now?
LV. I am afraid I must take my leave now, dear Dumbledore. I've muggles to torture.
AD. I won't keep you then. This has been enjoyable. We should have tea again sometime.
LV. (stares at Dumbledore) Once has been more than enough.
AD. Oh, Tom, one more question.
LV. What now?
AD. Are you happy?
LV. (rolls eyes. again, disappears)
Author's Notes:
First of all, thank you for reading. I felt the strange urge to write some kind of pointless conversation between Dumbledore and Lord Voldemort. for no reason other than I like the idea of those two trying to be civil with each other. (A much more difficult feat for Voldemort than for Dumbledore, I assure you!)
Please forgive any mistakes in spelling of anything Harry Potter related. I haven't read any Harry Potter since I finished the fourth book, around the time it came out. Therefore, I don't remember all the specific spellings and I don't have a Harry Potter book around to consult.
As you can probably tell, I'm a Voldemort fan. Maybe I've made DUMBledore come off a little DUMBer than usual. Oh well.
*This conversation between Albus Dumbledore and Lord Voldemort takes place "pre-Potter," as in before Voldemort lost his body.*
The Characters:
Albus Dumbledore: Headmaster of Hogwarts (AD)
Lord Voldemort: Wizard Gone Bad (LV)
AD. (sits at a small table and pours himself a cup of tea, checks the clock on the wall, then pours a second cup of tea which he sets on the opposite side of the table) Tea, a lovely muggle tradition.
LV. (appears, sitting in the chair opposite Dumbledore, prods the cup of tea cautiously with his wand) Tea? (laughs evilly) Dear Dumbledore, ever the muggle-lover.
AD. Good afternoon, Tom. Can I call you Tom? Or do you use that intriguing little confection of a name permanently now?
LV. (scowls at Dumbledore, Nagini the snake appears and curls herself around the table and semi-around Voldemort) Still the walking thesaurus?
AD. Still disrespectful of Hogwarts faculty?
LV. Some things, dear Dumbledore, cry out to be disrespected.
AD. Yes, I suppose they do. Muggle witch-burning practices are a prime example. Was the essay on muggle witch burning required back when you were a student? I really should remember. (scratches his head) Alas.
LV. (points wand at cup of tea) Chocolatum. (the tea transforms into a huge piece of chocolate cake on a fancy plate with a gold fork) I appreciate the thought, Albus, but I never have cared for muggle tea. (takes a bite of the cake, chews thoughtfully) Not bad, a bit dry.
AD. Of course. I did a little tinkering with edible transfiguration once. I concluded that you can produce much better results if the want is not used for certain other types of spells too often.
LV. (looks up from the cake) Certain types of spells?
AD. Such as-
LV. (interrupting) I am well aware of what you are hinting at.
AD. Excellent! Then we can move right along! (thinks for a moment) I am enjoying my position as headmaster. The school is doing better than ever. You should see the scores some of our students achieved on the O.W.L.S! Of course. no one is yet to surpass your score.
LV. (growing slightly annoyed) Is this what you invited me to tea to discuss, Hogwart's test scores?
AD. Actually, yes. I thought it would be good to keep in touch with Hogwart's most esteemed graduate. Why did you think I invited you?
LV. I assumed to chastise me for my formation of an army of evil wizards, for killing those who oppose my plans, and other generally evil behavior. (strokes Nagini lovingly)
AD. I was hoping you would agree to give an inspirational speech to the incoming first years.
LV. (eyes widening, slams fork down on table) What?!
AD. I have noticed a decline in student motivation. I think you are a prime example of what you can do if you commit yourself to something, even if that something is world conquest and muggle genocide.
LV. (rolls eyes, picks up fork, resumes eating cake) You're growing rather dotty in your old age, my dear Dumbledore.
AD. It is a wonderful story. Tom Riddle, up from the orphanage!
LV. Have you been watching muggle television again? That sounds like the name for one of their vile programs.
AD. Do we have to argue, Tom?
LV. You are the most powerful opposition to my cause, which means, to put it simply, we obviously disagree.
AD. So, asking you to teach the students to talk to snakes is out of the question?
LV. (glares evilly)
AD. You know, just because our fundamental philosophies aren't in harmony does not mean we have to harbor personal animosity.
LV. If you bear no personal animosity, than why have you cast a shield spell on yourself?
AD. It's for the very same reason you have 100 invisible death eaters packed into this room. (pulls out a package of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans) Would you care for some?
LV. Are those Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans?
AD. Yes. I've decided to take up eating them again. There's something about not knowing the flavor until it is too late that tickles my fancy.
LV. I despise those filthy things. If they truly are every flavor, then there is surely arsenic, acid, and various other things I will not mention in polite company.
AD. (pops one into his mouth) I doubt there are arsenic and acid ones. If you were somehow connected to the manufacture of sweets, then, perhaps, I would worry. (chews) Ah. spinach.
LV. I simply cannot stand being unaware of the general flavor of something I am about to eat. I only like the pecan ones anyway. I have Bertie fill jars of those for me.
AD. You special order Bertie Bott's every flavor beans? How?
LV. Oh, Bertie. (Bertie Botts, one of the invisible death eats, appears)
AD. (suddenly looking sick) I see. (throws the bag of candy away) Now, Tom, there has been something I have been meaning to ask you.
LV. What now?
AD. What do you think caused you to, for lack of a better phrase, go bad? Was it your childhood? Did your parents mistreat you? Did your dog get run over by a bus?
LV. Why the sudden interest in my personal affairs that are not connected to my plots against your pathetic little school?
AD. Pathetic? If we are pathetic, how have you become so powerful.
LV. Everything I ever need to know, I learned outside of Hogwarts.
AD. Such as?
LV. Oh. little things. How to balance a Gringott's account. how to drive a broom in muggle traffic. I have also made extensive studies of literature, modern muggle science, and mathematics.
AD. I'm afraid I do not understand.
LV. Has it never occurred to you how many wizards are forced to turn to the dark side due to debt? Perhaps if Hogwarts would teach a bit of practical living.
AD. (scratches chin) Practical living?
LV. Check the figures, man! You would be amazed at the number of needless deaths due to the ingestion of toxic muggle substances. The number one killer of witches and wizards is not spells gone wrong, broom accidents, or even annoying me and my Death Eaters. it's Pine Sol!
AD. What's Pine Sol?
LV. See, you are among the ignorant masses. Pine Sol is a muggle substance used for cleaning floors. Unfortunately it looks and smells much like the beverages they sell in Hogsmeade.
AD. You're saying?
LV. Other than that Hogwart's education is too specialized?
AD. I think I am confused.
LV. As usual.
AD. Back to why you went bad.
LV. You are interested because? Does this have something to do with reforming me? It won't work. Trust me, my last forty therapists have tried.
AD. Forty?
LV. For some reason I cannot seem to keep a therapist for very long. They all end up in little piles of ashes.
AD. Oh. Actually, I am well aware that you are beyond reform. The reason is that we are considering starting a new program here at Hogwarts.
LV. New program?
AD. Yes. McGonagall and I are thinking of calling it E.P.T.
LV. I believe those initials are taken.
AD. Not in the wizarding world!
LV. Very well. (rolls eyes) What does it stand for?
AD. Evilness Prevention Training!
LV. Evilness Prevention Training?
AD. It's a series of classes that will fully brainwash our students with anit-Death Eater rhetoric!
LV. And you're asking me to help you?
AD. Yes!
LV. Why, in the name of all that is dark and twisted, would I even consider such a thing?
AD. I assumed that even the vilest wizard living would want to save the children.
LV. (thinks for a moment) Fine. I'll help.
AD. That was easy! Why the sudden change of heart?
LV. These school programs never work. If you were aware of the muggle drug prevention programs, you would know that.
AD. What's drug prevention? And, on second thought, what exactly are drugs?
LV. You know how you zap yourself in the head with your wand sometimes?
AD. And I feel all happy afterwards?
LV. Drugs are like the muggle version of that. Speaking of drugs. (points wand at fancy plate where cake used to be before it was eaten) Cafaei. (a fancy latte appears) Ah. sweet caffeine. (notices that Dumbledore is staring) What?
AD. Oh. nothing. Anyhow, why are you evil.
LV. I am not evil. You are. Evil is all a matter of perspective. We tend to view those who stand against what we believe is right to be evil. Thus, to me, you are evil. I am quite good.
AD. How delightfully philosophical!
LV. Thank you! (realizing that he has just been polite and nice to Dumbledore, leers)
AD. I remember you as a student. Certainly you were a bit on the odd side, but I never expected the eventual black robes, red eyes, and army of Death Eaters.
LV. You didn't? Don't you remember the speech I gave at graduation? "I will return with my army of Death Eaters and you shall join us or perish!"
AD. I took that to be the 7th year class prank. I thought it was quite clever. Now, why are you evil?
LV. I told you. I am not evil.
AD. Why do you always have to be so difficult?
LV. I am not being difficult.
AD. Yes, you are!
LV. No, I'm not!
AD. Yes, you are!
LV. No, I'm not!
AD. This is not getting us anywhere.
LV. Why not get that new author. Lockart is his name, I believe. to write the E.P.T manual? He seems the simple sort, very black and white definitions of good an evil.
AD. Lockhart? You mean the author of "Dances with Werewolves?"
LV. Yes, pathetic piece of nearly unintelligible drivel that it was.
AD. I wouldn't say that. I've read it seven times. It really does get better the more you read it. Reread it sometime. you've practically conquered mortality, you have time. By the way, have you seen my new card in the packs of chocolate frogs?
LV. You think I would care about such things?
AD. Still angry that they won't include you.
LV. Very.
AD. I'll have to remember that Lockhart suggestion. I must admit, I'm a bit disappointed in you, Tom. I invite you here, I serve you tea, and you manage to weasel your way out of helping me.
LV. I have helped you. in ways you may never understand. (a clock chimes in the background) Curses!
AD. What now?
LV. I am afraid I must take my leave now, dear Dumbledore. I've muggles to torture.
AD. I won't keep you then. This has been enjoyable. We should have tea again sometime.
LV. (stares at Dumbledore) Once has been more than enough.
AD. Oh, Tom, one more question.
LV. What now?
AD. Are you happy?
LV. (rolls eyes. again, disappears)
Author's Notes:
First of all, thank you for reading. I felt the strange urge to write some kind of pointless conversation between Dumbledore and Lord Voldemort. for no reason other than I like the idea of those two trying to be civil with each other. (A much more difficult feat for Voldemort than for Dumbledore, I assure you!)
Please forgive any mistakes in spelling of anything Harry Potter related. I haven't read any Harry Potter since I finished the fourth book, around the time it came out. Therefore, I don't remember all the specific spellings and I don't have a Harry Potter book around to consult.
As you can probably tell, I'm a Voldemort fan. Maybe I've made DUMBledore come off a little DUMBer than usual. Oh well.