My Trip to Middle Earth (#9,000,000)
by Artemis

I have decided to journey to Middle Earth. I figure, 8,999,999 other girls at ff.net have gone and it seems they've had a fairly good time. Who knows, I might even have a nice romance with Legolas! Like 8,999,899 other girls! The other 100 were Hobbits who had a romance with Frodo.

Let's see, how to get there? Well, I could fall into a portal at an opportune moment and find myself transformed into a gorgeous Elf, leaving my troubled past behind.... No, that would never work. I don't have a troubled past, and also I have no idea where to find a portal.

I could journey there in a dream, then wake up and find myself on a grassy knoll next to Legolas, who will be either pointing an arrow at my bare throat or sleeping with his shirt off. Nah, I don't know how to control my dreams. Besides, Elves sleep with their eyes open and I don't want to get shot anyway.

I could... oh dear, I'm running out of ideas. I know, I'll start to read The Fellowship of the Ring and see if I get sucked into the book. Oh darn, will have to remember my book of useful Sindarin phrases. I wonder if I'll be allowed to bring it? I hope so.

Well, here I am, sitting and reading, and also typing. I'm not quite certain, honestly, that this will work. Here goes... Ah! I mean Ai (like the Elves say)! It's workiiiiiiiiinnnnnnng......


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Well, here I am. Back, I mean. Funny, it's the same time as when I left this world- I'll have a job proving I really went. But really, there's no mistaking it! It was... well, I'll just tell the story of what happened to me there. Obviously I couldn't write my story while I was in Arda (yes, they generally call it Arda there- but it sounds different than it's spelled). You know, they had no computers or anything, and it turned out I couldn't bring either the Sindarin dictionary or my journal after all. So the story will just have to be in the past tense.

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First, I didn't end up on a grassy knoll. I didn't end up next to Legolas. I ended up at the Ford of some river, and there was some blonde guy chanting a spell or something. No, he wasn't Legolas, though he was fairly good-looking and an Elf. Well, there were also some creepy figures on black horses, dressed entirely in black- they must have been the Ringwraiths. Funny, they looked different in the movie. I guess the Elf was Glorfindel- Arwen in the movie was so much better... and I didn't even see Frodo! Not that I'm complaining, he was probably half-dead anyhow, then.


But those disappointments weren't even the worst! They forgot about me. Yes, it turned out Strider and the Hobbits were nearby and traveling with Glorfindel- was that in the book? And they just ran right past me. I had to follow them to Rivendell, which by the way is really called Imladris. It took half a day of staggering through the marshes before Aragorn-the-supposedly-keen-eyed-Ranger even noticed me. And then he was pretty suspicious- I don't suppose he had ever seen jeans or a t-shirt before. Which it was a very bad idea to wear, by the way. It was cold there! And I wasn't even turned into an Elf- I checked first thing, of course.

So then I met Aragorn. He was not attractive- he looked nothing like he had in the movie. I actually saw Frodo's point, saying he was foul looking. He was definitely not fair. I don't want to go into the details of the horrible walk to Imladris, but for one thing, no one spoke English! I couldn't understand a word. I used some Sindarin, but I'm not sure my pronunciation was correct. They all laughed at me except Pippin- I recognized him, he was the youngest.

When we got to Imladris they all forgot about me again in the general bustle about Frodo, which I guess was okay. He is the Ringbearer after all. But is some attention too much to ask? I should've gotten stabbed too. In the end, I hung around for a while- Imladris was pretty, I'll give you that. However, it smelled like unwashed Elves, which is a surprisingly foul odor. They don't wash often, apparently. It was really just like the Middle Ages there.

After a few days, Gandalf came. In the meantime, they (some random Elves- not Elrond or anyone famous) fed me, and the food was okay, I guess, and they gave me a dress, which was far too long, since I was shorter than any Elves, and also very itchy. And my feet hurt, because there were no shoes that fit me right then and I had to go barefoot.

Things got better when Gandalf came. For one thing, he did this spell so I could talk to them all- Westron I guess- and I was able to tell the Elf-servants who took care of me my story. I never really spoke with Pippin, Merry or Sam, and Frodo was asleep, but I did meet a very nice old Hobbit, who was also a writer. He had a big collection of books written out in his room, and he showed me some things he was translating from Elvish. Unfortunately I couldn't read them- Gandalf didn't know a spell to allow me to do so, and I wasn't going to ask. Gandalf was really very intimidating up close, and I didn't speak with him much.

It turned out there was quite a while to wait before the Council! Mainly I sat and talked to Bilbo- yes, he's the old Hobbit. He was quite nice, and we both wrote some poetry. He told me tales about all his adventures, and I told him I was a writer, too, though I hadn't gone on so many adventures. He was quite intrigued by our world. Also he was very lonely, since Frodo was avoiding him a bit- miffed about his leaving, and the whole issue of the the ring. The ring was very pretty- even better than in the movie. I wonder what powers it would have given me. I wondered then, too.

Well, finally Legolas came, and Boromir was there a few days later. I was quite disappointed actually; Legolas looked like any other Elf, and he wasn't even really blonde! He had sort of ginger-colored hair. He was very quiet and I got the sense the other Elves didn't think much of him. Boromir was also disappointing: no sneakiness, or anything really except a sort of vague, not-too-bright look in his eyes. Though he was pretty quick with a sword when I tried peering at him to see if he had an aura of death, or something like that. He didn't, by the way.

They all looked much older than I am, as well. Frodo was completely adult. Pippin looked young, and Merry too, but everyone else, even the Elves, looked around thirty. And when I say the Elves, I mean ALL the Elves looked thirty. None younger, none older. It was very weird. Only Bilbo seemed pretty normal, and for a few weeks I mostly stayed with him. He read to me a bit, and started to teach me to read Westron. I missed reading like I can't even tell you. I mean, I'm a Lord of the Rings fanatic, reading is my life! Who would've thought that in actually Middle Earth- I mean Arda- they would spend so little time with books?

So life was slightly smelly, itchy, bland and very unglamorous until the Council. I tried to find Merry and Pippin, who I knew were hiding about the Council somewhere, but I guess Hobbits are as good at being inscrutable as they are rumored to be, because I couldn't see a hair of them until they jumped out. I, luckily, wasn't found, because the Elves who had been taking care of me were so excited about the Council they forgot all about me! I would have been miffed, but it was a good opportunity to spy on the Council.

Actually, it was really boring. They talked for about five hours, and I went to sleep in the bushes for awhile. I missed the good parts, I think, but I managed to jump out and volunteer to join the company after Merry and Pippin.

Bilbo looked at me sort of knowingly, like he'd known I was there all along, and Gandalf gave me a stern glance. Elrond glared at me! He was far more intimidating in real life, I'll tell you. He said ten Walkers was definitely not right, and sort of nodded at Gandalf, who stepped forward with his staff raised.

I was pretty scared I would be turned into a toad or something, but then Bilbo yelled out that they should stop, and moved to stand next to me. I felt better then, but Gandalf raised his staff yet again, and the last I saw of Middle Earth was his eyes, staring straight out at me through a flash of brilliant white light.

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So here I am, sitting here and writing this. Bilbo is sitting on my bed, poring over a copy of The Hobbit. He picked up English pretty well, either that or Gandalf spelled him. Bilbo is going to stay here for awhile; he plans to set up a nice Hobbit-hole nearby. I'm trying to convince him to get an apartment, but he thinks he can hire a construction team to hollow out a hill.

Why is he staying? I asked him that myself. He wants to tell his adventures in my world, it seems, and he also said something about his time in Arda being done. He plans new adventures here, and has asked me to put down some of his stories on ff.net. I told him I would.


Disclaimer: None of the characters in this story, except myself, belong to me. None of the places or anything Tolkien ever mentioned belong to me. Even the stupid Elven dress doesn't belong to me anymore, because I tried putting it in the washing machine and it got bleached, so my mother threw it out. It was itchy anyway.