A/N: I just wanted to address the statement about my use of Psalm 23 in previous chapters. It's not meant to be evil- really. It's a memory Karalynn has that floats in and out of her consciousness. Throughout the story, the only evil that I've thrown in was the spider attack. If you read closely, nothing about Karalynn is evil. Her memories, her powers, her thoughts- if anything she's afraid of what she remembers b/c she doesn't understand what she sees. The reason for her physical illnesses comes about in the next chapter.
Psalm 23 is usually read during a funeral or a service in honor of someone who has passed away. I give many, many hints about why Psalm 23 keeps popping up in her mind and it has nothing to do with anything bad. Believe me. I've always thought of that particular verse as a comforting one- something to help people say goodbye to a loved one. Now... why would Karalynn remember that verse? And why would she only remember it in connection to a large grassy field? (refer back to Ch. 5) Hmm...
I apologize if I've offended anyone with my use of that verse. There is a reason why it's in this fic and evil has nothing to do with it. However, thank you (Mendy) for reading so closely and for bringing up your concerns! I should have written a disclaimer or an explanation beforehand.
And to everyone- thank you for reviewing! As for a happy ending, will you settle for a bittersweet one? Legolas does a lot of growing between now and the very end. Some of you may not like it but it fits the story the best.. and it leads up to the first book nicely. I should say now (and I should have stated so before) this is a semi-AU. Takes place before "The Fellowship of the Ring"- in fact the epilogue deals in that frame of time.
Whoosh! This was long.... and so is this chapter. But I think the length is worth it.
Chapter 17- One Night
( What is your name? )
Karalynn drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. She was trying to make herself smaller, trying to take up less space in the grand room that Nefernil had taken her to.
She wanted to disappear.
( What is your name? )
The question gnawed at her mind and the shadow that had loomed over her before now threatened to overshadow her thoughts completely. She had no protection against them. No wind to blow her thoughts away. No Kythe or Lohr to lighten her mood. There was nothing, no one that could help her.
( "He is not angry with you, young one. He is angry at himself." )
Karalynn shook her head and closed her eyes. Somehow the Lady Galadriel was wrong about that. Legolas would not help her anymore. She was left alone to fend off the fear inside of her. She was so alone.
( What is your name? )
She didn't know anymore. Karalynn? She had uttered it in a hasty moment, so many weeks ago and it had sounded right then. But now... now it didn't sound right anymore. It didn't feel quite so right anymore. Yes, it was familiar but was that because it was her name?
She didn't know.
Tristan.
Matthew.
Momma.
Daddy.
Who were these people and why did she feel such pain at the thought of them? She was struggling to keep herself from thinking too hard about those four words- those four names. Thinking about them made her...
They made her feel sad.
Unbearably sad and angry and torn and...
And so alone.
( What is it that you fear the most, young one?" )
The shadow.
That thing that was in her mind, fighting with her to gain control. It was strange and unknown and she was sure that the voices came from that place.
But the shadow was inside of her.
She was afraid of herself, of what lay in the farthest corners of her mind.
How could the Lady Galadriel have understood that?
Suddenly, a loud knock on the door broke through her thoughts and Karalynn's eyes flew open. She didn't even remember closing them in the first place! She waited, holding her breath and then jumped when another knock pierced her ears.
C-Come in. she said, lowering her legs back to the floor. She sat on the edge of her bed and wrung her hands nervously at the thought of who might want to speak to her at this hour. Nefernil? Lady Galadriel? Doláe? Tharuial?
What would she say to them? What would they say to her?
The door opened and Legolas walked inside. Karalynn exhaled loudly in relief as he closed the door behind him and looked at her.
His blue eyes were dark as they studied her and she suddenly felt shamed by her appearance. As usual, he was radiant and almost eerily beautiful. Though he still wore his traveling garments, he seemed to shimmer before her. His bow and quiver were gone but a sense of strength still emanated from him. He was ethereal and she was....
She lowered her eyes, feeling her cheeks burn as she stared at her dirty hands. Nefernil had made her change into a clean sleeping gown and Karalynn just now realized that the color was a ghastly shade of light yellow. On a golden haired elf, the dress would have looked enchanting but Karalynn knew how her black hair and gray eyes would look against the bright material.
Drab.
Ugly.
Nefernil had tried to get her to wash her face and bathe but Karalynn had refused, not wanting her body to be seen by a stranger- female or not. She knew how she looked now to Legolas, with his keen elf sight and senses. She was dusty and grimy and she turned her face away not wanting to be stared at so.
Hello, Karalynn. he said softly.
She nodded not trusting herself to speak. She was so ashamed of the way she looked- she should have listened to Nefernil! She felt tears sting her eyes as she reprimanded herself for being exactly what Legolas had called her before- a frightened child. She was frightened of the silliest things after all, of an elf seeing her body. What did elves care for appearance- she could not be perfect anyway so why would they think anything less of her?
Stupid, foolish child.
No wonder she had tested Legolas' patience.
Why do you turn your face from me? Legolas asked.
Though she did not hear him move towards her, she could feel his presence grow near.
She lowered her head and shrugged, hoping that he would remain at a distance.
Why do you hide your face?
Legolas stepped in front of her and she felt his fingers- his soft, clean fingers under her chin. He gently forced her to look up at him and she moved accordingly but kept her tear-filled eyes down.
What is wrong, dear one? Why do your eyes fill with such sadness?
I.. I'm just tired. she whispered. I guess I just need some sleep.
You have not bathed yet.
A tear escaped and slid down her cheek. She nodded violently and pulled her face away from his touch. It wasn't a lie after all, she was tired. So very, very tired. In fact, she felt as if she could sleep for days if given the chance.
She sniffled and wiped her face with the back of her hand.
I'll take a bath. I promise. she said. Right now.
She wrapped her arms around herself and stood up, moving away from Legolas and stepping towards another door. Nefernil had told her that her quarters had two adjoining rooms- one with a bath and one for dressing needs. Karalynn took a step towards the door that led to the bath and suddenly her head felt light.
Perhaps she had gotten up from the bed too quickly or maybe it was lack of food that had caused her to stumble for she suddenly found herself falling. She closed her eyes and expected to feel the painful sensation of the floor underneath her cheek when a pair of strong, sure arms reached around her and pulled her back onto her feet.
She opened her eyes and blinked in surprise. Legolas' scent enveloped her and she felt his chest press against her body and his warm hand on her face.
You have no strength left to make use of, Karalynn. he said. I should help you lest you collapse out of sheer exhaustion.
I'm fine, Legolas. Really. she said weakly. She struggled against his grasp but this time, he did not let her go. She looked up at him and frowned. Please. I'll clean myself up, I promise. Don't be mad at me anymore.
Was it her imagination or did an expression of sadness flit across his face? His fingers ran across her face tenderly and they lingered on her lips, tracing around them carefully.
I was never angry with you, my love. he said after a moment. I came here to apologize. I did not mean to hurt you- with my words or my actions. How I could act so harshly towards such a sweet and loving soul is unforgivable and I beg you to pardon me.
His eyes looked so earnest and so filled with... with intensity that Karalynn was at a loss for words. He was asking her to forgive him? But she was the one with fault.
Before she could form words, Legolas bent down and slid one arm underneath her knees while keeping the other behind her back. He lifted her up and carried her towards the bathing room with ease.
Her eyes opened wide as they entered into the room. She did not expect it to be so large nor so lavish. Two wide pools, one empty, one filled with water, had been carved in the floor and Legolas set her down beside the filled one. Karalynn reached down and touched the water tentatively and found, to her surprise that the water was still very warm. A small vanity table and chair was set in the corner of the room and in the other corner, a large basin of water sat atop a live fire.
Small lit candles flickered against the windowless white walls illuminating the room as if it were daytime.
Legolas moved away from her and picked up a small bar of soap and some lavender blossoms that had been beside the filled pool.
The blossoms are for your hair. he said, answering the question she had yet to ask. They will clean the strands thoroughly but gently. The scent lingers for days.
Karalynn's hand flew to the top of her dress, where the small pearl-like buttons lay and felt her cheeks burn for the second time that night.
Surely he would not watch her undress, would he?
I... You... I... Karalynn stammered.
Legolas smiled slightly and nodded, rising to his feet.
I shall prepare your clothes for when you are finished. he said. And call for Nefernil to bring a meal. If you need me, you need only whisper my name. I will hear you in the next room.
Karalynn sighed with relief and loosened her grip on the collar of her dress. Legolas' smile faltered as his eyes lowered down to her hand. Without warning he bent down and took her hand, examining the rapidly darkening bruises there.
I have done this. he whispered.
It doesn't hurt anymore. Karalynn said truthfully. As long as I don't try to move my wrist around, it's fine. Really, Legolas. It's nothing. It doesn't hurt.
But Legolas looked stricken despite her assurance. He bent his head and kissed her injuries lovingly. He closed his eyes and she could feel his soft, thick lashes brush against her knuckles.
My love. he whispered against her skin. My love. I am sorry. I am so very sorry.
Karalynn wiggled her fingers and he opened his eyes. She drew her hand back and smiled at him.
He looked so sad and so full of emotion that she wanted to cheer him up. He was her friend and to Karalynn the incident was forgotten as if it never happened.
I'm hungry! she said, forcing a tone of light playfulness enter her voice. Perhaps you should call Nefernil now and you can feed me as I lay in the water!
Legolas smiled, and his face lit up.
Ah, that way I will not have to clean up afterwards. he said, standing up again. For the crumbs will be easily washed away.
Karalynn said. Legolas chuckled and moved towards the door.
Only whisper and I shall come. he said, looking back at her before closing the door behind him.
Karalynn's smile vanished as soon as he did and she began to undress herself with heavy fingers. A long bath sounded nice, especially now that her head was beginning to throb.
She was so tired.
Her eyes began to close even as she slid into the warm water and after a few minutes, Karalynn was fast asleep.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Legolas ran his fingers along the edge of the white nightgown that he had taken from her dressing room and set it down on the bed. The material was softer and the color more suited for her coloring. He had gotten the feeling that she had been uncomfortable in the yellow gown and he wanted to set her at ease- even with such a simple thing.
He looked around her room, making sure that everything she would need was within reach and pleasing to the eye. He walked to the small tray that Nefernil had set out earlier and examined the food there. A plate of meat and vegetables, a thick soup and water. He smiled and touched the small plate of sweet honeyed bread that he had also requested Nefernil to bring. Karalynn had an affinity for such things. He imagined her laughing in delight at the taste and smiled.
A sense of fierce protectiveness towards her tightened itself around his heart.
She had looked so tired- even when she tried to jest with him, her eyes could not hide the shadows that lay underneath. She had forgiven him so easily. Too easily, he thought. He did not deserve such kindness, especially from her. Nevermind, he would strive to bring her joy for the rest of their lives together.
If they had that.
His simple joy faded along with his smile. Perhaps this would be the last night they would have together- ever again. Perhaps, after tomorrow when Galadriel revealed all, Karalynn would be gone from his life and from his arms for all time.
Perhaps this was the only night they had left.
Just this one night.
A crushing, helpless sadness crept into his heart and he staggered under the force of it. Legolas forced himself not to cry out.
No, it would not do to grieve for Karalynn now. Not when this night was so important. He would spend whatever time they had left together in joy, even though he knew pain was waiting at the door.
No, tonight would be peaceful; happy and tender. He wanted to talk to her, to share his dreams and hopes with her. He wanted to watch her fall asleep in his arms, to study the lines of her face in peaceful repose for the last time. He needed this night to remember for however long he had left.
He had already accepted it. The possibility of his death was no longer just a dream. It would be reality come morning if Galadriel's words rang true of his fears.
Legolas reached out and touched the soup.
He frowned.
It was getting cold.
How long had Karalynn been in the bath?
He walked towards the door, taking a thick piece of drying cloth with him.
he said loudly, opening the door slightly.
No answer.
Karalynn, have you finished bathing? Are you ready to have dinner?
Still no answer.
Worried, Legolas opened the door all the way and walked inside.
He blinked in surprise at the sight before him. Karalynn lay in the pool, her head rested against the surface of the floor. Her eyes were closed and her breathing was deep and steady. Her hair was fanned out on the floor, still dry and unwashed.
She had fallen asleep.
Legolas walked towards the edge and bent down. He touched the water and found that it was still warm but beginning to cool. He stood up, took a large container from the table and then walked towards the basin in the other corner. The water was hot as he dipped the container inside and he was careful not to burn himself as he moved back towards Karalynn. He slowly poured the hot water into the pool and the level rose slightly. Now the water was heated again.
Legolas sat down next to her sleeping body and cupped her cheek with his hand.
My love, wake up. he said. You have not finished bathing.
Mmm hmm. she muttered, frowning slightly at the intrusion of her sleep.
Legolas sighed but a faint smile lingered on his lips. She made a sweet, endearing vision after all with her rosy cheeks and lightly fluttering eyes. Legolas decided that he would clean her himself and then put her to bed. He had wanted to talk with her more but her needs came before his wants.
He quickly removed his outer tunic and boots, setting them aside as he worked on his shirt and leggings. When he was fully unclothed, he went into the water beside her.
He avoided looking at her naked form and kept his eyes on her face.
Legolas lifted her up against his chest and then dipped her hair into the water. She lay her cheek against his shoulder and murmured something unintelligible in his ear. He laughed softly and then began to rub the blossoms into her scalp, washing her hair. She made small sounds of contentment as his fingers moved through her hair and she nuzzled against him.
After he was done, he carefully set her back down and reached for the cloth he had brought with him. He rose out of the pool and wrapped it around his waist. He took some of the water from the pool with his container and poured it into the empty pool. He then poured more freshly warmed water into the bath.
Legolas went into the water again and took the bar of soap in his hand.
This time he hesitated.
Washing her hair was one matter, washing her body was another. Would she allow him to touch her in such an intimate way? Yes, they were both bare in the pool but Legolas' hands had not moved past her head and hair. Should he wake her and ask her permission?
After a moment, Legolas decided that it would be best to ask her permission though it would be a shame to wake her. Out of respect, he needed her consent to continue.
He shook her as gently as he could and moved his mouth towards her ear.
Karalynn, wake up. he said. Please, open your eyes.
He touched her closed eyelids with his damp fingers and she opened her eyes. She groaned and then frowned at him.
I am sorry for waking you. he said quietly. But I do not wish to touch your body unless you give me your consent.
she asked, blinking sleepily at him.
You have fallen asleep in the bath. he said. He held the bar of soap before her eyes. I have washed your hair and I will wash the rest of your body if you wish me to continue. My love, I ask for your permission.
She stared at him blankly as if she didn't understand. Legolas was suddenly aware of how close their bodies were and how little stood between them. He moved back hesitantly.
I will not take advantage of you. he said quietly. I would never...
Why do you call me that? she asked suddenly. Legolas blinked and his mind raced through his past words and endearments.
Call you what? he asked.
My love. she said. Why do you call me that?
Legolas stared at her, feeling a rush of emotion course through his body. Where would he start? Where could he start? What would he tell her? What should he tell her?
The answer was simple, really.
Legolas let the bar of soap float away and brought both of his hands to the sides of her face. Her gray eyes were wide and calm as she looked up at him and he felt himself being drawn into their depths. It was so easy to get lost inside of her gaze and Legolas was willing to let himself fall completely into her.
If only she would allow him to.
Because that is what you are to me. he whispered. That is what you will always be to me. My love. I will always love you.
He never expected her to move forward, could not believe it when her lips touched his. He closed his eyes and felt the warmth of her tongue slide against his lips. It was like a dream when he opened his mouth and their tongues met. A kiss... a simple kiss. But it was proof finally that he was bound for all his life to this one creature.
He had never kissed anyone like this before; he would never again kiss another.
She was soft and warm and everything he had imagined her to be. She was everything he needed her to be.
She was everything.
Her fingers tickled his chest as she pressed her palms against him and his hands clutched at her almost desperately as the kiss deepened.
One night, just one night- it was all he had left.
All of eternity paled when compared to this one night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Those blue eyes stared at her as if they could see into her very soul.
I take thee as my lawfully wedded wife.
Til death do us part.
I do.
Such wonderful, beautiful blue eyes. Bright and so filled with love that it made her heart ache and her head spin to look at him.
She loved him so much and she knew, she was certain that she would love him for all time.
Forever and ever.
Matthew.
The eternal love of her life, the only man she had ever loved and the only man she would ever love.
As he placed the cool, golden band on her finger, he smiled at her. Her entire body trembled with the vision of that smile. He loved her too- with as much passion and fervor as she loved him. There was no doubt in her mind that he did.
His eyes told her.
And then someone was shaking her lightly.
Someone was telling her to wake up.
No.
No!
She didn't want to leave him, didn't want to wake up from this comforting dream. As if from a distance, she felt her eyes open and- oh, the joy!
Blue eyes.
Bright, wonderful blue eyes were looking at her. Nothing else mattered- she did not have to look at anything else to know who those blue eyes belonged to.
My love.... my love....
Silly Matthew.
Why would he call her such a silly name and with such a serious voice. It sounded like something a prince would say in a fairytale.
Why do you call me that?" she asked him.
His answer was... it took her breath away. So she kissed him. She needed to breathe him, drink him in and feel connected to him. She needed his air, needed his essence to fill her. The kiss was strange but nice- he held her as if she were fragile, made out of crystal and porcelain and all breakable things. And then he was clutching her body, pressing her closer to him until she could no longer tell where she ended and he began.
His hands were soft, so soft and so strangely smooth.
Were Matthew's hands always that soft?
They were in water. She felt gentle waves lapping at her arms, at her back. And his body, lithe but solid, was in the water with her.
Nice, warm water.
She wanted this dream to last forever.
His lips on her neck, trailing soft tingling sensations down her body. Smell of soap and flowers in the air. Feel of his hands, so gentle and loving, on her waist, slowly moving down. Wet, warm tongue competed with the wet, warm water, against her skin as if worshiping her with his attention. It seemed to go on forever, each touch and caress. And then...
He was pressed against her leg, so patient and tender.
Ah... she loved him so much. This was the man she would spend the rest of her life with. This was the love she had been waiting for her entire life- pure and good and whole. This was the love she had forsaken everything else for- the love that she sacrificed so much in order to find.
Her Matthew.
He was hers.
She was his.